My Renee

by Mark
(Grant Park, Atlanta)

Renee and I were together for 12 years. They were the happiest years of my life. I knew the minute I met her that she was the most special human being I had ever met. I almost immediately dropped everything to be with her; I knew if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Our life together wasn't easy at times, but I could never wait to get home- my feelings for her became stronger as the years went by. I told her I loved her every day and more than once most days. Renee had a health condition when I met her, ut it never was an issue and certainly not the type of thing you die from. During the last year she became ill and passed away on December 3, 2013. In my arms. I will never ever be the same.

It is now eight months later. I live here in our house alone. I haven't removed any of her things. Her slippers are still on the rug by the bed. I talk to her when I am home as if she is still her. Most times it is a comfort and I feel like she is still here. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I go to work every day but at any given time I feel like I am going to burst into tears. Oh, by the way, I am a 300-lb. strength athlete with a shaved head. I feel like a sad child. I have spoken to a few women but it makes me feel strange and I just want to run home to Renee but she is not here. The pain is not as searing as it was at first, just a dull throb. I wonder if I can maybe meet someone who has been through this and can relate to me. I wouldn't say I feel desparate, just lost and lonely. God comforts me a lot but I am human and I am alone. I wish this were all a dream but it is obviously not. I know she is in a better place but I am not. I have no regrets; I loved her every minute of every day. We thought we would grow old together; she talked about us sitting on the front porch when we were old and loving each other even though we would be wrinkly. She was the best fiend I ever had and my lover. She was a tiny thing but she had the heart of a lion and the smile of an angel. She was funny. We used to finish each other's sentences. She called us twins. Now my twin is gone and half of me is gone. I am not looking forward to aching like this the rest of my life; I love to think of her and our lives together but I always end up sad because once I start thinking of her I can't stop. I wish I could just heal. I am fine mostly at work- I have a great career and lots of friends but always want to get home so I can be alone with Renee. She is not here though- I am just alone with myself. I loved her with all I am and what do I do now?

Comments for My Renee

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Aug 10, 2014
by: Lawrence

HI, Mark,
You ask “What do I do now?” after losing your precious Renee, well Mark you weep and wail and walk around the lonely house looking for her.
In fact, do what we all did after losing our beloved partner, cry, scream at the world, but mainly cry and cry, until you feel you have no more tears, but believe me more will come
Seeing a couple kissing will be enough for your eyes to fill with tears.
Everybody on this web site has been through the anguish you are going through now, and it is without doubt the worse experience of our lives, never again will you feel in so much pain as you do now.
BUT, and this is a big “BUT”, it does get better, your body and spirit can only take so much grief before it starts to heal itself.
Believe me I know, I was standing in your shoes nineteen months ago when my own beloved wife died after being together for nearly seventy years, and truthfully I couldn't imagine living alone without her, and yet here I am writing this comment to you, to show that very slowly you will come to realize that she has gone and take the first faltering steps to start your new life.
I never believed it would happen, I still miss her incredibly and always will, but I have filled my days with so many activities, including learning to play bridge, restarting my violin playing, writing many books and much more, leaving myself little time to grieve, although walking up the stairs to an empty lonely bedroom every night still makes my heart ache.
You are a comparative young man and you mustn't be expected to face the rest of your life alone, but give your heart time to heal, as it will in time.
Being a widower is without doubt horrible, but it has happened, it’s just LIFE and there is no answer to it.
With deepest sympathy.

Aug 09, 2014
My Renee
by: Doreen UK

Mark Have you thought of going to see a grief counsellor for a few sessions to help you through this difficult part of your grief. You may become stuck and unable to move past rushing home to the comfort of Renee who is with you in spirit but not physically.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he died and I could not function in any way for 6 months. I did nothing. I thought this pain would last forever and I didn't want to live like this. In those 6 months I nurtured myself back by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME. It hurts less, But it still hurts to not have my husband with me. It is so difficult to have to restructure one's life again. I haven't started and just let the days pass as if they weren't important. God does comfort me and hold me up. But as you say it is not enough. God created woman for man because God did not want man to be alone, so this says it all. We cannot survive well in isolation. We need people in our life. If you jumped into another relationship to take away the loneliness you may become disappointed. You need to deal with your grief otherwise it would become baggage taken into another relationship and would not be fair on the person you meet. You could go to a grief sharing group if you have one near to you which I hear is very worthwhile going to, and helped many people. I still feel numb after 2yrs. Perhaps God's way of helping me move slowly through grief so I don't fall apart. I can't explain my calmness. I took some of my husbands personal items out of his closet including his leather waistcoat and I felt nothing. But yet I have many dreams about my husband and I can feel is presence with me. I visualise him talking and having a conversation with me. I don't ever want to not feel his presence or his face in my mind. After death it is common to forget what your loved one looked like or how they talked. As the months go by it all comes back. Almost as if grief is programmed like this. It is only by sharing on this site that I have learned of similarities that other's have experienced also. Hold on to God and seek his comfort and strength as this is all we have. God is our creator and He alone knows what we are going through. I am sorry for your loss.

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