(Grant Park, Atlanta)
Renee and I were together for 12 years. They were the happiest years of my life. I knew the minute I met her that she was the most special human being I had ever met. I almost immediately dropped everything to be with her; I knew if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Our life together wasn't easy at times, but I could never wait to get home- my feelings for her became stronger as the years went by. I told her I loved her every day and more than once most days. Renee had a health condition when I met her, ut it never was an issue and certainly not the type of thing you die from. During the last year she became ill and passed away on December 3, 2013. In my arms. I will never ever be the same.
It is now eight months later. I live here in our house alone. I haven't removed any of her things. Her slippers are still on the rug by the bed. I talk to her when I am home as if she is still her. Most times it is a comfort and I feel like she is still here. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I go to work every day but at any given time I feel like I am going to burst into tears. Oh, by the way, I am a 300-lb. strength athlete with a shaved head. I feel like a sad child. I have spoken to a few women but it makes me feel strange and I just want to run home to Renee but she is not here. The pain is not as searing as it was at first, just a dull throb. I wonder if I can maybe meet someone who has been through this and can relate to me. I wouldn't say I feel desparate, just lost and lonely. God comforts me a lot but I am human and I am alone. I wish this were all a dream but it is obviously not. I know she is in a better place but I am not. I have no regrets; I loved her every minute of every day. We thought we would grow old together; she talked about us sitting on the front porch when we were old and loving each other even though we would be wrinkly. She was the best fiend I ever had and my lover. She was a tiny thing but she had the heart of a lion and the smile of an angel. She was funny. We used to finish each other's sentences. She called us twins. Now my twin is gone and half of me is gone. I am not looking forward to aching like this the rest of my life; I love to think of her and our lives together but I always end up sad because once I start thinking of her I can't stop. I wish I could just heal. I am fine mostly at work- I have a great career and lots of friends but always want to get home so I can be alone with Renee. She is not here though- I am just alone with myself. I loved her with all I am and what do I do now?