My rock.

by Ashley
(New Orleans)


I am 26. I lost my dad two weeks ago right before Hurricane Isaac. It was extremely sudden. He wasn't even sick. He died in 24 hours.

I haven't graduated college yet. I haven't gotten married yet. We were extremely close, and similar. He left behind me and my two brothers, and my mom whom he was married to for 32 years. My mother is devastated, and she is holding on to me for support. Some days I feel ok, days like today I feel completely alone, and very angry. I try never to show my mom this, I am trying to be strong for her, because she worries a lot, and I never want her to have to worry about me. I don't know if this is right, but I can't care. I just want her to be ok.

My apartment flooded in the hurricane a few days ago, and my ovarian cyst has flared up, because of stress no doubt. I feel like I am drowning in my own tears every day. I just want to be happy, I want my family to be happy, but they aren't, and I'm not.

I feel like I'm 13 years old all over again. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at everything. Today is my first day with my bar tending promotion (I was a server), something my father was very excited for me to do...and now he'll never see me again.

My father was my rock. He was so smart and compassionate and loving, and I have so many questions I still wanted to ask him.

When will I be happy? I feel like no one understands. Does everyone grieve this much? I never stop thinking about him, everything reminds me of him....EVERYTHING. Is it always like that? Am I taking it harder than most people? I feel like I am.

Comments for My rock.

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Sep 23, 2012
I feel like you
by: Anonymous

My dad just died in April 2012. He too was my rock. My husband left me in August 2009 and hit me with divorce papers out of the blue. My father promised and told me not to worry because I would always have my daddy. I feel like the only man in this world who truly loved me has been taken from me. I'm supposed to graduate in May from college and he wont be there. When I get excited about graduation my heart stops and the excitement fades because the pain of knowing he wont be there kills me. Part of me is so mad at him for dying now. I know that sounds soooo selfish. i feel stupid for feeling like that. I too feel numb and sad and wonder how long I will feel this way. I had to move in with my mom and it is hard to live with her cause I am trying to be strong. I feel like a little child and im not. Im a 32 year old woman. What hurts the most is how people expect you too feel. They think oh 5 months have gone by you should be feeling better. Time does ease the pain a little but it still hurts like hell. I heard some where that losing someone is like living with an amputation. I cant imagine ever losing my arm but if I did I would always feel that loss of something missing. I would learn to cope and live my life without it but I would always miss it and probably mourn the times I had it. I dont think we ever truly heal from loss but time does ease the pain and we do learn to cope with it.

Sep 04, 2012
My rock
by: Doreen U.K.

Ashley I am sorry for your loss of your dad so suddenly. Ashley you are not grieving more than anyone else because everyone grieves differently. Don't compare yourself with others. You are an individual. You have been hurt deeply by the loss of your dad. A sudden death is harder to understand and cope with. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 4 months ago and I have really bad days with grief. Grief is so very painfull and draining. It wears people out. You would benefit from seeing a grief counsellor for support. It will be easier with support and you will be able to move forward from where you are at because some people get stuck in grief and can't move forward. Your mom could benefit from this support. It is a very hard place for us to be. If a father was just the best the grief will be harder to bear and cope with. You can only take one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead or you will be consumed by your grief rather like it is swallowing you up. Part of our grief is to cry and cry and search for our lost loved one. You may even feel numb. You will feel that you can't go on in life. Grief makes me feel as if my body has been beaten up and I am tired all the time. I was very angry with God. I didn't want to be. But I was. This is also part of grief. Oh how my husband wanted to live. I know it hurts when your father won't be around to see you graduate, get married, have children, or just be part of your life. All the questions you can't have answered. For me it is the sadness not cooking Steve's favourite foods. Looking in some notebooks and seeing Steve's handwriting and notes he left for builders. Seeing his recipes written down. His photo coming up on Skype. All the decisions I have to make now without Steve's support. It is a very hard place to be. I have some outfits that Steve never saw me in. I didn't get to wear them when going out with him. There are so many daily things that happen and I will feel sad Steve is not here to be part of them. You will be happy again, but it will take a lot of grieving first. Grief is a process and it takes time. I hope the days ahead will allow you to feel less alone with your grief. Knowing you are not alone. Grief is a lonely road we take all by ourselves as each persons grief is personal to them. No one else can share this pain but your immediate family. don't look too far ahead. I hope you have peace in the midst of your pain.

Sep 04, 2012
rock
by: silver

It's ironic that you should call your dad your rock. When my husband died I went through the shock,and the grieving. I thought I was beginning to handle it when my birthday came in August. I really lost it then. I have cried almost everyday since then. If you are interested I am posting a poem I wrote at the 13 month mark for him called MY ROCK I wrote this partly because of missing him and because he was my rock from an earlier abusive husband.It also could be my father because he saved me from that abusive situation before I married my dearest love.Look on the poetry page. GOD be with you and yours

Sep 04, 2012
Condolences
by: Bereaved Daughter

Dear Ashley
Firstly may I send my condolences to you on the sad loss of your father.

My mum passed suddenly and unexpectantly weeks ago so I know how the shock makes you feel numb and sick.
She like your father was very proud of my accomplishments so it does feel like any empty void.

At this time we all seem to be vulnerable to illness as our immune system is very low. I ended up in casualty with a long term problem that came back viciously after the shock of losing mum. Please see a doctor about your ovarian cyst problem. Keeping to a routine is not easy but even eating little and regularly will sustain you over this traumatic time.

I am sure your mum appreciates your support but please seek help for yourself too and remember those using this site understand your pain.
With kindest regards

Sep 04, 2012
My Rock
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Ashley,
What you are feeling is GRIEF. It hurts like hell right now and the ache in your heart is awful. You feel like you lost a part of yourself and you don't think you will ever stop crying. I can tell you that from my experience, with the loss of my husband to a massive heart attack 13 months ago. You need to express your grief; please don't bottle it up. You can cry right along with your mother; that's exactly what my children did and we still do. There in't any time limit on grief.
The early days we feel like we are in a fog; this can't be happeneing to me, but it did. Acceptance is the hardest.
I was married to my husband for 46 years and he died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary, on June 27,2011. I felt a part of me died still. My children still tell me our life will never be the same with their dad gone and they are right. Our life is forever changed. Your dad will always live in your heart. Cherish your memories, talk about him. In time the memories will bring a smile to your face, instead of the tears right now.
Our grief is like a roller coaster ride; alot of ups and downs. Just when you think you have a handle on things a thought or something that reminds you of your dad will bring you down. That is normal, you loved your dad, and losing someone we love hurts. Knowing I will never see my husband or feel his touch or hear his voice still brings tears as I write this.
Your mother will need you; but express your grief together. SHARE YOUR GRIEF WITH YOUR FAMILY, ALL YOU WILL BE EXPERIENCING IS NORMAL AND TO HOLD IT INSIDE WILL DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD. IT HAS TO COME OUT TO HEAL.
I still have a long way to go with my grief. I take it one day at a time. Yes, my life is forever changed. I joined a grief support group through my church and developed a friendship with four other widows. We have a bond. If there are grief support groups available, I encourage you and your family to attend them. If you feel it isn't right for you, you don't have to return. One of my daughter came to the first meeting with me. She told me it was too sad for her. She didn't return. I shed tears, alot of them, but so did everyone else and later on in the weeks as we talked more, we even had laughter. Something I never thought I would do again in my life-LAUGH.
One day at a time, sometimes just a minute at a time. Don't look too far ahead, just take each day, one day at a time. God will give you strength and your father will be giving you signs-watch,for them-he's watching over all of you. I feel my husbands presence. He died here at home in our bedroom and that is the room I feel the closest to him. I feel like he is just in another room.
Oh, how I miss him, but, I realize I will always miss him, as you will always miss your dad.
I am sending you my love;so sorry, you also had to lose your dad, as my children did. Death is something we are never prepared for.

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