My rock...my GRANDMA
by Wake your Dreams
In January 2012 I lost my Grandmother, my support, my family. She was always the rock of the family. She put together all family dinners, kept everyone together. She would tell you she loves you all the time even if you were doing something she didn't like. Her only goal in life was to keep her family happy. Her along with my Grandpa helped raise me while my mom was going to school after my parents divorced. I have so many great memories that make me smile right now just thinking about it. I know those memories will never go away, but to just have a few more with her would be amazing. Although I know that can't happen the thought is hard to get out of my head.
In early 2009 she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She came out cancer free last year which was awesome. We were all so relieved to know she wouldn't have to go through that pain anymore and she could continue her life with her loved one, her husband my Grandpa. In December 2011 I had lost my Grandfather (on the opposite side) who had been sick for years. Of course it was very sad to everyone we knew eventually he would pass due to all his complications with his health. I was able to better deal with his death. On Christmas Day I can remember my Grandma and having her hug me while saying how sorry she was for my Grandpas’ loss even though she has not seen him in about 15 years since my parents divorced. Always a huge heart my Grandma.
To everyone in my family, even my Grandma she was healthy and felt good. On one horrible day she was at home about to get ready to take a shower and go to the grocery store, when she had a massive heart attack which is also called the Widow Maker. She got to the hospital within minutes of becoming ill, and the doctors thought it was going to be okay. I was able to go into her room and talk to her for a brief time. She told me she was sorry to do this to me again considering I just lost my Grandpa. I told her not to worry she is going to be okay. We began talking about her and my Grandpa staying in their house and building a large garage for my Grandpa to work on his cars. I remember the last thing I said to her while she was awake “I will see you soon Grandma, I love you.” And she replied with “I love you too.”
My Grandma decided to take a nap for a couple hours, and when she woke up my Mom and Grandpa went into her room to check on her. Everything seemed okay, next thing I knew she had a second heart attack, and had to be rushed into surgery to have balloon pump placed in her artery. I was sick to my stomach filled with anxiety. Not sure how much time later because it felt like time stopped doctors came out saying they weren’t sure how she would do. They needed to get her to a bigger hospital that had the tools needed to help her. The only way to get her there was flight for life. The only problem was she was not stable enough to fly. Doctors continued to try and get my Grandma stable, and when they thought she was okay…she flat lined again. Another blow to the stomach, and the anxiety continued on. I sat there wanting to scream “Why is this happening?” Finally the doctors thought she would be okay to fly so flight for life was called. As flight for life walked into the ICU part of the hospital my Grandma flat lined yet again. Doctors, nurses were pumping her heart themselves to keep her alive that’s when the doctor walked out. He told my Grandpa she was not going to be able to fly, and her heart was not healthy enough to keep pumping, and the only thing keeping her alive was the nurse pumping it. It was then my Grandpa had to make the decision to stop. As my Grandpa made the hard decision to let my Grandma go my heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe, think, and feel. I was just numb and I think I still am. Minutes later my Grandma had passed away, gone forever. I walked into her room and saw her lifeless body, still not believing it was true. Filled with hurt and anger I could do was stand there and look at her. Thinking this is not my Grandma, she doesn’t look like this.
The next day going to my Grandparents house I kept waiting for her to walk downstairs, and hear her voice. I know that won’t happen again, I know I won’t see her, hug her, hear her voice.
Then came the funeral, which you would think I could say goodbye, cry it out, but no I was numb still. Sure I cried some but not like I thought. When I saw her, it made me mad, as I thought that she should not be there. All I wanted to do was shake her and wake her up.
It’s been a little over a month now. The feelings have not changed. I am still so mad, and I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I wish I could be like some and just cry, and express how I feel to my family and friends, but I can’t. I feel like a part of me is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.