My rock-my mom

by Lisa

All I know is it is a process that I am still going through, almost two years later.
My mom died suddenly from small cell lung cancer. We were shopping one day and 15 days later she was gone.
From the moment she was admitted to the hospital, I just knew it was bad. The moment and events that occurred days before, at the hospital and after, stay with me like still photographs in my mind. I could write a book about the unbelievable events and actions that occurred. I will never forget. It just changes you forever. Some how, I know it will be a change for the better in time. That is the "journey" I am still on.
I am the only daughter of 5. I lost my oldest brother, probably my closest brother in 1994 to a house fire. I now realize after grieving mom's death, I really never grieved over his death. I just got so angry.
My father never got over it and died after a 7 year decline from diabetes and strokes. We cared for him mostly at home and it took its toll on mom. Mom always said she would not want to linger on and put us through it again. Always thinking of everyone else first.
Not only did mom get diagnosed with cancer but that same week, two of my brother’s wives received devastating news about their own mothers having cancer. Mom died 9 days after being diagnosed and their moms - one within days, one within weeks. Just days after mom’s funeral my father-in-law of 30 years was diagnosed with Liver cancer. Just non-stop devastation.
My husband and best friend helped hold me up through it all even though he was faced with the decline of his own father. My grief was misunderstood my many and even used against me. My sadness only deepened. Thank God for his understanding,endless comfort and true love .
I never read or even looked up anything about grief until my mother in law called and was sad and missing her husband the other day. She was a little angry at him. I composed this letter to her:as I understood.
I somehow knew every aspect of my grief was important for me to experience and I accepted
It and almost relished it because I knew it was what I needed to do. I wanted to cry about my mom, she was so much to me. I never once felt bad about anything I was feeling or doing. I just knew it was what I needed to do. The sadness and tears just were. There was no stopping it. It just had to be and that in itself, comforted me.
Almost like the chapters in a book, each stage was so obvious. I wrote often in my journals to help me through. It was so profound and I knew it. I experienced it all too. From shock to the most APATHY I ever want to experience in life.
I have now accepted my mother’s death and know for sure, because of whom she was, somewhere ahead is forgiveness for me. This I know is what I’m working through now. It too will come with time.
I will always be sad about how quickly she was taken from us and how much I miss her. I knew from the moment we found out how sick she was, it was the beginning of my most profound life journey. I knew there where life lessons to understand and so many question to be asked and answered. I knew I was forever changed.
In mom’s way, she is helping me buy all her examples, strength and the person she was. To know and trust that “she’s ok” and I will be too, and that the answers are within me. Like I said yesterday: I feel so grateful, blessed and lucky each and every day, that mom was my “TREE”. If somehow in this life, I manage not to roll to far from it- I’ll be OK.
I had not read anything about grief until today because I was sooo sure my feelings where true and real, what others said made no difference to me. I still gladly cry about mom. Sometimes with a smile because she’s so obvious to me. She is with me always and has let me know many times. I have not missed one message. She is all around me, everywhere I look and that connection is why I loved her so much.

SO: be soo glad you have something and someone so wonderful to grieve, so many beautiful memories, so much to be thankful for, relish it as you and Joe relished life. Cry when you need to, be sad when your sad and know its ok. We are the "Lucky ones". You have suffered a great loss and the family lost the “Captain of the ship” when Joe passed. Everyone is feeling it. Much like the loss of my mom, her sisters, brothers and all of us feel as though we lost the matriarch of our family.
I have found, we are never alone, so many have traveled this road and understand the journey of grief. They too, know all too well what you are going through. I’ve received more compassion and understanding from complete strangers and acquaintances than I have from my closest friends. I just think you need to experience it yourself before you can judge or begin to understand someone’s grief. Everyone expresses it differently, but it is still grief. I understand so much more now.
Joe has not left you, he is all around you everywhere, as I’m sure you can see. Don’t be too hard on him. He did not fail you or leave you- his body failed him and had journeyed as far as it could.
You and I both know what we are feeling is real- I’m just glad I feel. Love Lisa

That is when I found this blog.
I have always been strong willed, born with boxing gloves on- with 3 older brothers! So suret of my biggest life decisions. I was the 4th child, but the first to leave and I never once looked back. This strength comes from my mom and the foundation my parent gave me, I know. She was so kind, giving and forgiving. She never "put -on- errs, thought better or worst of people and just did not hate-ever. She was private, spiritual and did the right thing always. She had every good friend she ever made and kept them for life. She was my best friend and confidant, my rock and I miss her each and every day. That is the person I came from and the kind of person I strive to be.
My boxing gloves are retired- as I too learn the journey of forgiveness. Love and Thank you mom - I know!

Comments for My rock-my mom

Click here to add your own comments

May 09, 2012
Thank you my new friend
by: Shirley

Thank you so much for your sweet comforting words. As we two share our thoughts and grief, perhaps it will help someone else when they have to go through what you and I are now. As a Christian Counselor, I have heard many stories that truly break my heart when it hits home, it is certainly different. I want to be angry and know that I will go through the grief processes once again and I am not looking forward to the unpleasant emotions. Please tell me more about yourself,..where you live,.how old you are and how old was your mom if I am not prying too much. I like to know a little about my friends in order to get a closer relationship. How do you deal with your grief and the pain it brings upon you mentally and physically? This Sunday being Mother's Day must be terribly hard for you to bare. I know it is for me also. If you would like, I will send you my email so you can write more. I pray you have a blessed day tomorrow and find peace as your angel is beside you protecting you and loving you in the way that you so deserve.

May 09, 2012
to a friend
by: Anonymous

Thank you
I am too, so sorry for the monumental amount of suffering you yourself have had and are still going through with your husband. I hope and pray his suffering is comforted in some way and you continue to find strength and faith.. It's so hard. I hope you have an angle by your side too helping you through.
My husband is my better half and makes me a better person. I have been sooo blessed in this life and have had the best love.
The journey of grief has affirmed so much of my life and all that I was taught by the good example my mom was.I still question so much but know for sure now. Thanks to mom and her simple little ways. The answers came like ray's of reverent light. I know it was my angel showing me the way. I Loved her so much and know she is right by my side.
I hope you always have your angel by your side and good friends to help you through. Thank you.
You have know idea (or maybe you do)how I need a friend that understands. Your friend Lisa

May 09, 2012
You are not alone.
by: Shirley

My dear friend Lisa. I am so sorry for your loss and I have empathy for you for I too once shared the same thoughts that you spoke of. I lost my only daughter to breast cancer, my very best friend since childhood to lung cancer and now my beloved husband has the no small cell lung cancer. I am watching once again as he slowly fades away. If it were not for my faith, I could not have the strength to go through this again. I am a cancer survivor and I know of grief and sadness. I would like to be your friend if you would allow it so we may chat again. I need a friend, about you? Do you need a friend too?

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!