my roy is gone.

by gloria h. mattocks
(lexington, north carolina)

roy worked all day at trinity furniture on dec.15th 2011. he was diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized on the 16th of december 2011. he died of cancer in the morning of december 27th 2011.that's 11 days from start to finish. we've been married for 40 years. there wasn't any time to get our thought together, much less our emotions. how do you come to terms with these things in just 11 days? i'm completely lost without him. we shared everything everythought. it's been over 5 months now. it seems like yesterday. the pain of loss and the fear of going on without him is unbearable. my life seems so surreal. i'm going through the motions of living, but i'm not really here. my heart is with him. they say it gets easier but it hasn't for me. i don't know where to go from here on. i pray everyday. life is just so empty now. there's no money to pay the bills with. bills that we had no problem paying before because my roy made decent money. i'm just a housewife and he gave me an allowance. this wouldn't work for alot of women, i know that...but for us, it was a great way of life. i was happy and it made him feel good to know he could take care of me. the cancer was in his brain (it was all over him). this caused him to do some odd things..sow that i look back on last fall. he cancelled all(over 300,000.00) of our life insurance that we had had for so long. it was term ins. and he said, since it was about to need to be re-done, that he'd do it. he didn't even remember cancelling it. he was so devastated when he found out what he'd done he cried. that's all water under the bridge (as they say) now. when the cancer presented itself, it hit him hard and he didn't stand a chance. we were going to the hospice house to stay on the day he died. everything went so fast, there was no time to think. no time to act. there is so much time now. i sit here and listen to the quiet. to my breathing. to my broken heart. and i pray. i'm 61 and to think of possibly another 20 years without his kind and gentle voice and touch is unbearable to me. i've had to put our home up for sell (i can't make the large payments)..i'm in an apt now. they say god won't put more on a person than they can stand. i'm wondering just where i'll break. he was always so wise, i, on the other hand am so ignorant of how things are paid and handled. i'm so lost. my phone rings all the time. but it's not friends's bill collectors. this is all new to me and i don't know how to answer their demands. so, i've turned off the sound on my phone. i tried to tell them (at first) that i've never worked and there wasn't any money but they don't believe me. i guess roy may have been the first person in history to cancell all the insurances..from the way the creditors act.i don't know what will become of me and to tell you the truth..i don't care. without my roy, there's nothing anyway. gloria mattocks

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Jun 28, 2012
the last to go
by: gloria h mattocks

tomorrow i will sign the papers on the sale of our home...this is one of the hardest things i'll ever have to do. we made that home a part of us. our sprits, our hard work, our hopes and dreams were in that house and in every tree, bush and bulb we planted. every saturday and most of sunday was spent digging, raking, hauling, and planting. then we'd have cold drinks and crackers while sitting in our swing or in our rockers..just admiring our hard work and efforts. such a wonderful way to live. we pulled together and worked till dark on just a little over an acre of land that was just a blackberry field in the beginning. when roy died on dec.27th we had it looking so very neat and tidy. so very full of beautiful things. we have three little dog headstones out there in the back yard that i will for-ever wish i could've kept close. i hope the new owners won't disturb them..but i know they will. there's no money to be made off this sell. roy's cancer bills will be paid instead. that's the way it should be. the right thng to do. lord, i'm going to miss that house (our home). all i'll have from here on out are our memories together there. i wanted to keep it so bad. but i couldn't pay for it. i did keep it for as long as i could..till wells fargo started into foreclosure. my hope, my prayer is that my roy knows i tried to stay there for him. i tried but it wasn't enough. lord have mercy on my soul and give me strength to go on. gloria h. mattocks

Jun 20, 2012
My dearest hubby died
by: Anonymous

My husband passed away 10 months ago. He had a abdominal aortic anurism. We never knew about this. When they diagnosed this it was already to late as the anurism was 10cm - unheard of as normally the anurism tears before it gets so big. The dr decided to operate and but in a stent. It was a very long operation - lasted about 5 hours. The dr did not think that my husband would make it but he did. After a couple of days in hospital we brought him home and he never really fully recovered. After about three weeks we went back to the specialist and he went back into hospital. He died three days later. This was a huge shock to me as I thought they would be able to repair whatever went wrong. Since then I have been falling down a long dark tunnel with no hope of ever being normal again

Jun 18, 2012
Torn in half
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Trish J
I am sorry for the loss of your Joe and also your sister last week. It is hard going to funerals now and places where we had the support of our spouse with us.
I felt all alone on Saturday going to a memorial service for our sister-in-law and Steve was not with me to also mingle with the children he grew up with and hadn't seen for some 55 years. The sad fact is that the children he grew up lived within a few miles of us and we didn't know. ( 10 minute car journey).
Trish you say your mother's sisters all lived to their 90's. I used to think Steve would live long because his parents lived into their late 80's and his 2 older brother's are almost in their 80's. Steve was the youngest and lived to only 65yrs. He was the youngest. My father is 91.
If God gave me another 20 years I would feel he was cruel to let me live this long without my husband. This is how I feel.
In the Bible I think it was Orpah who was a widow for 50 years and she was supported by Ruth and Naomi. I feel blessed to not have been a widow this long and for all our children to have reached in years 43.40,31 yrs. I did bring my children up alone as Steve travelled all over the world as an exhibition carpenter and so he missed out on so much life because he was always working as husbands do.
Trish thank you for sharing that statement quoted to you " we spend all our married life living as one" and then in death "we are torn in half" this expresses it perfectly. I feel blessed by you sharing this Thank You. God be with you always!

Jun 17, 2012
my roy is gone
by: Carmen

i know it is hard, and i know that feeling of fear of going on without him. my husband passed away dec 30, 2011 he went into the hospital on dec 14 was diagnosed with lung cancer and it had went into stage 4 all over his body except his brain he was taken into icu on dec 25. we have twin 15 yr ol daughters together, I feel so loss with out him at times. He took care of everything and now I have to do it. But I know he would want me to go on and take care of myself and our girls. you were together much longer then us but i miss him and love him very much. May God be with you, this is a great site too the book back to life is a good source to start healing. Prayers going up for yo.

Jun 17, 2012
Lost my Roy and now my heart is broken
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Gloria
I am sorry for the loss of your husband Roy of 40 years. You speak so well of how we are all feeling having lost the love of our lives and how we don't know how we are going to go on without our spouse. You are in a more difficult place with the lack of money. It is difficult as we lose out as widows trying to live and the money will never be enough and we wonder how we are going to cope. I feel as if I have been hit by a bus and I can't get up. I was married to husband Steve for 44 years and he ended up with lung cancer caused by working with asbestos and he died on 5th May 2012 and was buried on 25th May 2012 which is now 6 weeks. There is so much paperwork to sort out and running all over the place closing bank accounts, paying for the funeral, and all the other administration of the household. Gloria it can feel as if you are being swallowed up by it all. I have always dealt with the house and its running all the administration and so I am not thrown in at the deep end but nevertheless I am still finding it all a bit too much at the moment. There is so much to life with all the bills that come in and it is very worrying. My husband Steve had a life insurance policy which he had paid for 40 years and had to run for another 36 years and all my husband got was enough to pay for half a funeral. Insurance has always worked against us because there is always so many exclusion clauses and we have lost on insurances for years but this policy was good even if it paid for half a funeral. Steve took out a low premium with a no profits policy which was a pity. It is horrible having money problems on top of a death. The government has taken half of Steve's pension back and so it will be a struggle living now from day to day. I will have to sell the house. I have a ton of stuff to clear out of Steve's garage. He was going to do this when he retired and 11 months into retirement he was too ill to do it and now I have to clear out 46 years of belongings. Otherwise we won't be able to sell the house. Steve worked 40 years to build up his pension and the governement took half of it back. Gloria do you have support to help you with the sorting out the house and its bills? You need to get this put in place so you are able to cope better and it doesn't swallow you up. You are 61. I am going to be 64 and thank God closer to the grave otherwise I couldn't cope with many years without my husband. I said to God OH! Please don't give me 20 more years to live otherwise this would be cruel. This is how I feel. It is going to be a lonely hard long road to travel. I want him back. I like my old life I don't want things to change. I echo everything you say that you are experiencing. It is a very hard place to be right now. I hope everything works out for the best for you in the coming days and that you will get the support you need to cope. Best wishes

Jun 17, 2012
Torn In Half
by: TrishJ

I was 58 when my husband passed away 18 months ago. My mother's sisters have all lived into their 90's. The thought of spending that many years without him sent me into absolute panic attacks. I had to learn to just take things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have days where I really don't want to get out of bed and face the world still ~ they are getting less and less. I had to face the death of my sister last week and without Joe here those things are more than a challenge. Without him to comfort me it's been really hard.
I read something the other day where a man said, "In our marriage we spend all the years growing as one and suddenly we are torn in half." That's how I feel ~ torn in half. I'm sure you do to.
I do hope you find somethig to smile about today. I hope you make it to peace eventually. The one thing that keeps me going is that I know I will see my husband again. The problem is I want to see him now ~ not in 20 or 30 years. I'm still working on that. It's a daily work in progress.
God bless.

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