My Scarred Heart

by Unhappy

I fell in love with him the first night I met him. That was 11 years ago. He had everything that was important to me: intelligence, great sense of humor, humility, on and on and on. We dated for almost a year exactly. Once when we went out of town for the weekend, he tried to tell me about depression because he said he thought he had clinical depression. I went into complete denial. It didn't seem possible. He was so much fun, and we got along so well--no fights or disagreements. Then one day he said he was leaving. Out of the blue. I thought he was kidding and meant he had to leave town for some reason. He was leaving ME. I thought I was going to die. I had never experienced that kind of grief before. And I never forgot him. Six years later, almost to the day, he texted me. I had done a lot of growing, had done a lot of dating, although I never forgot him, and I was ready to learn about depression and accept it as part of him. We dated for nearly 4 years. Seven weeks ago he called me out of the blue and said, "I'm saying goodbye...again."

I've been in denial for the last seven weeks, and now I realize that I have to accept that I will never see him again. The last 4 years were the happiest of my life. He never got on medication for his depression, and I stupidly never pushed it because he was functioning so well.

I have been crying for hours and am so terribly miserable. But this time I'm not going to run from the grief. Even if it takes a year, I need to finally move on with my life...eventually. But tonight I can surely say that if he called me right now, I would be so very, very happy. Why is love so hard?

Comments for My Scarred Heart

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Sep 07, 2012
Depression is a relationship serial killer
by: Anonymous

I am undergoing the same phase as you are now.. My ex with a major depression left me 2 weeks ago.. For the 4th time. I caught him cheating too, it was very painful. I was lucky to have a psychiatrist friend that was following our relationship from the start. I decided i needed a therapist for myself too because being with someone who has depression needs a strong will power. For example when i caught him cheating, i couldnt really express my feelings or he will feel 10 x worse.. And the guilt is on you not them. Because we cannot see our love ones hurt. So i accepted. Being depressed is no joke, as of my ex he takes strong medications that is also for bipolar.

This is the longest break up we had, for the first 4 days i was in shocked.. He was really a nice guy but being depressed mean they are apathetic whether we like it or not.. Sometimes they try to fake their feelings too to make us happy..

To be honest i want him back too, but part of me doesnt. Because its hard to trust them about how they truly feel towards us,. The hard part for me is that he is a family friend so its hard to ignore that he exists. Even though he is avoiding me... His driver is always on my neighborhood so it hurts knowing he is near ... Yet so far.. :)

Anyway my point is we can never really ask them back when they say goodbye.. Because their mentality is usually black or white.. But like my therapist told me.. Their illness is not an excuse to keep hurting us. Unless they are schizophrenic..

Ask this to yourself (cause at this moment its what i ask myself too) are you willing to go through another shot.. With no stability? Its true that probably they are messing with someone else too, cause my ex explained me why.. They dont feel so much emotions.. And its like a drug for them to seek for the high ... To feel something...

You know.. If you wanna let go... Just cry keep crying and feel the pain.. If you miss him... Just cry your heart out.. And if you feel so lonely and empty now... Pray... Cause no one hears you better than the Lord. And be glad it happened and it will mold you to a stronger person.. And tell yourself that you need a man that will take care of you too...

P.s. we want them back because it feels good to be needed.. But in reality it feels good to be taken care of too...

Goodluck love

Jun 04, 2011
by: Sherry

I'm sorry that you felt that I was unkind to you in my last comment. I did not mean to cause you any hurt by what I said, but it angers me to see that you are so injured by his coming and going. You're sorry that you didn't push him to get help. I'm astonished that after all that time, he didn't get help for himself. What is stopping him. If he really was that depressed, he surely would have sought out something or someone by now, a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, medication, etc. People who are sick, go to the doctor.

I learned that you cannot fix someone, they have to want to change and help themselves. If they don't want to get the help they need then you have to let them go, for your own good. It's like an alcoholic, if they don't want to stop drinking, they won't and no one can make them stop.

What I'm saying is that you should have told him that if he did not address this issue, he should not contact you, as it is too painful for you to keep losing him when he "goes". It is very selfish of him, not doing nothing to help himself, and then coming back into your life to turn it all upside down again because it affects you so hard!!

I just think it is awful that you are suffering so much because of his actions and non-actions.


Jun 04, 2011
To Sherry
by: Unhappy

I can tell that you have been horribly hurt. Your comments to me could have been so very hurtful (and they were inaccurate!), except that I feel the pain in your words. We are all working through our losses and I send you the hope that you work through yours so you can be more kind and gentle to others in pain, in the future.

Jun 04, 2011
How the Depressed React?
by: S.

Thanks so much for answering. I completely understand. I know they say people with depression do have lasting relationships, but truly, when he's on "lock down"...when he wont answer, wont respond, shuts out the world (or at least just me)...maybe that's depression, or maybe not? I just don't know. I sent him a letter, saying I understood, and time apart was a good thing, but that I still had my feelings for him and I miss him. Was that a mistake? Will that have no effect? Or the wrong effect and make him shut down from me even more? "Unhappy"...did you just leave him alone the first time, and he came back to you? Is that what will happen again, for you and for me?

I'm exhausted from missing him....but I am so grateful to read your stories and feel like there are others out there who might understand how I feel. Jules, thank you so much for your words too.

Jun 03, 2011
Responding to 2 Questions
by: Unhappy

When I first met him, we both had been divorced and had kids from our first marriages. We were in our fifties and past the age of having kids together. I'm 63 now and wondering if I will ever have the kind of love I would like to have.

I think a big lesson for anyone seeing someone with depression is that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's not "crazy." And it can and must be treated with medication. If one is seeing someone suffering with depression, have a discussion about medication. Many people who have depression also lead happy and satisfying lives with partners. Without any treatment, there is a big risk of real suffering. My heart aches for him and for me.

Jun 02, 2011
my scarred heart
by: jules

Uhappy and S - you are both feeling grief, the grief of losing a loved one - so unfortunately you must go through the same process that those of us who have lost a loved one to death must go through.
So, nurture yourselves, think lovingly of the past, but don't try and live in it - these events change you forever, you are not the same person any more - you can't be, because of your loss.
Talk to a professional if you feel the need, come to this site, here you will find understanding and compassion.
Here you can say the things that are so difficult to say to your friends and family about your lost relationship, it is not your friends or family's fault that they can't understand, this didn't happen to them.
Live your life, enjoy your life, remember the good times, don't dwell on the bad times, understand this is not your fault.
Take care

Jun 02, 2011
by: Sherry

He has no empathy. Depression is an excuse for him to come and go when he wants to. Whenever things get too boring for him, or something else comes up, he takes off, doing who knows what, IT'S HIS WAY OF LIFE and then comes back to the fall girl, YOU, leaving you in a state of grief, where now you have to go through the process again. Tell him if he needs to escape, he better stay escaped!!! Do you want him to keep coming in and out of your life forever to mess you up each time, and then take off, leaving you a stupid TEXT MESSAGE, saying I'm going away again!!! He is taking you for a fool!! What a jerk? As long as you keep taking him back, is as long as he will continue to play this, until you finally get it!!! Don't waste anymore of your precious time on him!!! Stop putting your life on hold for him. He is playing you like a violin!!

Stop yearning for him. Anyone who can do that to you is not worth the suffering you do when he is gone. He isn't suffering. He has found another who he is feeding the same BS diet to for awhile.

While you are suffering, he is with someone else, whining about his "depression" and he probably has a lot of someone elses all over the country that are falling for that BS. I'll bet he goes from one woman to another, using the hell out of each one, and breaking hearts everywhere, using the excuse that he is depressed AND MUST GO NOW, BYE, BYE SEE YOU WHEN THE WIND BLOWS ME BACK, OR SOMEONE KICKS ME TO THE CURB. He will come back (for awhile), and then text you goodybye again. Get off the BS diet, and get tough with him. No, get him out of your blood!!! Can't you see that he has you hooked!!! A good guy would NEVER do that to you, no matter the reason. You gave him too much credit. He is an illusion!!!

Get rid of him, once and for all. To text you that message tells a lot about a guy. What a lazy way to communicate. What a coward! And there you are, poor you, where is your self-worth, did he take that with him too? Get off that couch and stop crying about that unavaiable AZZCLOWN!!!

Go to the Baggage Reclaim site, which will help you immensely. GO NOW!!


Jun 02, 2011
We Are Walking a Similar Path.....
by: S.

Dear Unhappy,

I can't tell you how moved I was when I read your story. I can't stop thinking about it. In a way, its like looking into my future. You are not alone, we are walking a similar path.

I loved him the minute we met. He is funny and intelligent and travelled...he is everything I was looking for, and I couldn't believe how well we fit together. We were together for 4 months. I met his family, we talked about a future, moving somewhere else, it was the most serious relationship I've ever had. About 3 months in, he told me that depression ran in his family, and he sometimes struggled with it. I was in denial, that it wasn't so bad, because he was so amazing. Long story short, one day he just said he didn't have feelings for us anymore. It had just changed. I was devastated. That was 6 weeks ago. Sometimes I want to die (not really) the pain is so intense.

Three days ago, I mailed him a letter. Maybe I needed closure? (really I hoped it might be an opener). Was the letter a mistake? I don't know. But after reading your story, I see I may not hear from him for YEARS if ever again. I don't know how you did it. But you did. And you had the happiest 4 years of your life! You must remember that. That is important. I will always be grateful for the happiest 4 months of my life.

Can I ask you 2 questions? How old are you? (because I'm afraid that I don't have 6 years to wait for him to remember me!) And did you ever want kids with him? Why didn't you do that?

I am functioning, going to work, out with friends, but this grief goes with me everywhere. I talk to friends, but they don't fully understand. But I understand what you are going through. And I would love to hear more from you, about how you're doing.....

Take care and hang in there.....we are all out here rooting for you.....


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