My Scarred Heart
I fell in love with him the first night I met him. That was 11 years ago. He had everything that was important to me: intelligence, great sense of humor, humility, on and on and on. We dated for almost a year exactly. Once when we went out of town for the weekend, he tried to tell me about depression because he said he thought he had clinical depression. I went into complete denial. It didn't seem possible. He was so much fun, and we got along so well--no fights or disagreements. Then one day he said he was leaving. Out of the blue. I thought he was kidding and meant he had to leave town for some reason. He was leaving ME. I thought I was going to die. I had never experienced that kind of grief before. And I never forgot him. Six years later, almost to the day, he texted me. I had done a lot of growing, had done a lot of dating, although I never forgot him, and I was ready to learn about depression and accept it as part of him. We dated for nearly 4 years. Seven weeks ago he called me out of the blue and said, "I'm saying goodbye...again."
I've been in denial for the last seven weeks, and now I realize that I have to accept that I will never see him again. The last 4 years were the happiest of my life. He never got on medication for his depression, and I stupidly never pushed it because he was functioning so well.
I have been crying for hours and am so terribly miserable. But this time I'm not going to run from the grief. Even if it takes a year, I need to finally move on with my life...eventually. But tonight I can surely say that if he called me right now, I would be so very, very happy. Why is love so hard?