My second mother and my best friend

by Mercy

My grandmother passed away in October of 2012. She'd had cancer (lung cancer that had spread the lymph nodes) and was in an unresponsive state for days at our home (where she passed away). She refused to go to a hospital, and had hospice called in. I was 22 and she was the first person I have ever lost. I had lived with her for practically my whole life. She was the keeper of my secrets, the person I could go to when I was afraid to tell my mom, and she was the person that never judged me.

It's been a year and half, yet I'm still trying to wade through the grief. Her death made me realize we are not going to live forever. Her death made me realize I was aging and would die. It's something that twists itself around in my mind and makes me panic. I've tried reading what others say, not thinking about it, being happy that you're alive now, and yet it still pops up. This is just another step I have to overcome and not worry about, but it sure is taking a long time. ):

I love her and miss her so much that my chest aches from the pain. I helped care for right out of high school: chemo appointments, radiation treatment, doctor appointments- I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean. It was neverending, I was constantly busy, constantly moving, and then she passed and there was nothing to do. I enjoyed helping her, it wasn't a chore to me, it wasn't something I 'had' to do, but wanted because I love her.

I guess I just didn't expect to still cry or worry about future events and things that haven't happened yet. I know she wouldn't want me to obsessively focus on my mortality or to cry whenever I think about her. I know she would want me to be happy and smile. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be.

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Jun 23, 2014
My second mother and my best friend
by: Doreen UK

Mercy I am sorry for your loss of your grandmother. Being your first experience will feel like nothing you have ever felt before. The grief experience is so very painful and the healing is so slow. Losing a close loved one will put life events into place and change our whole perspective on life.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer 2yrs ago. His cancer grew inside his lungs for 40yrs. due to inhaling the fibres of asbestos in the workplace. His cancer was inoperable, incurable, and terminal. I nursed him for 3yrs. 39days before he died. The cancer care is very intensive and at times invasive. My husband developed pneumonia, and got blood clots from his last Chemo and had to have daily injections in his abdomen. Back and forth to hospital appointments and for Chemo and Radiotherapy, then to have injections of warfarin for the blood clots. he vomited blood a lot and the suffering was great. He was in a lot of pain. I can't get some images out of my head. I keep seeing his face and how he looked. My heart is breaking in two when this happens. My heart aches for him so much. The only way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. If I didn't believe in God I would not be able to get through life. He comforts me when I am feeling unhappy, and he carries my sorrow when I it becomes too much to bear.
When someone close dies it forces us to think of our own mortality and helps us evaluate what is important in life. I suddenly had all these possessions of my husbands that I had to dispose of and I suddenly wondered why we spend so much time accumulating so many possessions and then to get rid of them. I am trying to live with less now and passing everything on to my children setting up home so that I can now live a simple life. God gave us life to live well, but to remember that we will all die one day. If you know where you will go after death we don't have to fear. I know I will see my husband again. God is preparing a place for those who love and believe in him and He is coming back for us to live with Him forever. There will be no more sorrow, no more death, no more pain. No more tears All these things will pass away. Now this is something to plan and hope for.

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