My second mother and my best friend
My grandmother passed away in October of 2012. She'd had cancer (lung cancer that had spread the lymph nodes) and was in an unresponsive state for days at our home (where she passed away). She refused to go to a hospital, and had hospice called in. I was 22 and she was the first person I have ever lost. I had lived with her for practically my whole life. She was the keeper of my secrets, the person I could go to when I was afraid to tell my mom, and she was the person that never judged me.
It's been a year and half, yet I'm still trying to wade through the grief. Her death made me realize we are not going to live forever. Her death made me realize I was aging and would die. It's something that twists itself around in my mind and makes me panic. I've tried reading what others say, not thinking about it, being happy that you're alive now, and yet it still pops up. This is just another step I have to overcome and not worry about, but it sure is taking a long time. ):
I love her and miss her so much that my chest aches from the pain. I helped care for right out of high school: chemo appointments, radiation treatment, doctor appointments- I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean. It was neverending, I was constantly busy, constantly moving, and then she passed and there was nothing to do. I enjoyed helping her, it wasn't a chore to me, it wasn't something I 'had' to do, but wanted because I love her.
I guess I just didn't expect to still cry or worry about future events and things that haven't happened yet. I know she wouldn't want me to obsessively focus on my mortality or to cry whenever I think about her. I know she would want me to be happy and smile. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be.