My Shining Star

by Allison

I lost my mom May 2, 2013 from stage 4 triple negative breast cancer, which means it was the worse type. She was only 50 and I'm 19. I feel like my life has turned into a whirlwind of guilt, resentment, heartbreak, and wanting to die. Me and my Dad never had the best relationship, so me and my Mom were tight. She recieved breast cancer for the first time when I was 8. She got her left breast removed and recieved radiation and chemo for 1 year after and things were looking great for about 8 years until she recieved it again in her right breast.This time I was older and saw more of what she was really going thru. My mom was always good at hiding pain, but this time she was tired. They removed her right breast, went through the same process again, but this time it came back the next year, but was in her lung and nodes. I went through a deep depression my senior year of highschool, skipping school, doing drugs, I was trying to numb this feeling of "is she going to die?" She always told me that she was going to fight, but towards the end of my first year in college it turned into "you have to be there for your brother when I leave" I was in denial, I just knew she would get thru it. Even after her last hospital visit when they said it had spread to her brain, I just knew she was going to be ok. I feel like in her last weeks I was to busy trying to make her sickness just go away I didn't get to thank her for the amazing years she gave me, the love, the help. I keep asking Why me? One minute she was talking the next she had a stroke due to massive bleeding from the tumor in her brain. It spread so fast. I'm so hurt and angry. Idk what to do?

Comments for My Shining Star

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Oct 11, 2013
My Shining Star
by: Sob

Dear Allison,

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a mother is like no other pain. Nothing can fill the gap created by the loss of a mother. I lost my mother on 11th of July last year, one week after my 24th birthday. 15 months have gone by now. And I ask myself "Do I feel any better?". The answer is no. It still hurts immensely when I wake up in the morning and don't find my mother beside me. I cry myself to sleep everyday thinking about all those things that I could have shared with her, had she been alive. The pain is unbearable. I miss her each moment of my day. Yet I am alive. And I have to stay alive for my brother who has suffered the same loss.

My mom died of cancer just like yours. And I know exactly what state you must be in. Ofcourse you would have wanted her to be ok. The thought of losing her would have been unbearable and unimaginable to you. You may have not have thanked her since you never imagined losing her. But I am sure she would have known how much you loved her. You don't always have to use words to convey your feelings. A mother always knows her child and she would have known how much she meant to you.

Nothing can prepare us for such a loss. No matter what the doctor or anyone says, we'd always want our mothers to be with us. But some of us are just not so lucky. But life goes on. Days will turn into weeks and weeks into months. And with time one learns to live with pain. The pain will never subside. We will just learn to live with it. Her absence will always be felt. She will always be there in your thoughts. Life can never be the same. It is ok to be sad since you suffered a major loss. But don't let that sadness turn you into someone that you are not. Talk to someone who is ready to listen. Seek counselling if possible. Do things that your mother would have wanted you to do. That is the best way to cherish her life her, living it the way she would have wanted you to live. I know, better than a lot of people, that its not easy. But you will have to take baby steps. Don't rush. Take one day at a time and give yourself time too.

Feel free to write back if you feel like sharing more. Lots of love and hugs.

Sep 28, 2013
My Shining Star
by: Doreen UK

Alison I am sorry for your loss of your mother to cancer. I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago and know how hard this disease and cancer journey is on the person suffering and the whole family.
You are young and not mature enough to take on this whole distress. You might benefit from seeing a grief counsellor to help you cope with your loss and the family commitments you now have to take on caring for the rest of your family. Know that we all have our limitations so don't try to take on too much or to try and rush grief. The secret is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I have coped so far and continue to find that this does help immensely.
Just hearing the diagnosis is scary enough. Cancer is a disease that is hard to keep fighting. One can fight so long and in the end the cancer is stronger than the fight. the suffering from this disease is so disabling. Hard on all families and even when our loved one dies we have to try and pick up the pieces of our lives and learn one day at a time how to go on without our loved one at our side. We become less secure and feel as if our world has crashed. It does get better in time. But learning to live again is a huge challenge. I was much older when I lost my mother so this was easier to cope with. You will recover from grief.
It is a process and takes time to heal from.

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