My sibling committed suicide
On what we think it was, November 20th 2011 my older brother Tim, who was 25. Committed suicide. I was meeting up with him at the air port three days later. He was living in a different state at the time and he had just moved out of my mothers house where we both lived. We were really close and i leaned on him when i was having rough times. We were so happy to meet up finally and spend thanks giving eve together. I got a fake i.d and everything so we could party. I hadn't spoken to my brother in two days. My sister calls me the day i was leaving (while I'm in class) saying she received an email on Facebook saying 'I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.' my sister was puzzled and called me. I called my brother and he didn't answer. But, i knew i was meeting up with him that night so i figured he was just at work. I got on the plane and my step-mom picked me up. i didn't see my brother. My dad told me everything was fine. Until i got back to my father's house and my 11 year old little brother asked me where he was ? I said yeah can you tell me whats going on?
My father looked at my step-mother and told us to sit down. and i knew something bad had happened. That's when he told me he was gone. but he told me he got into a car accident. He didn't want to tell me the truth nor my little brother who looked up to him. I went on with life in a shock. Wishing i was dead instead of him. Everyday. Still.
This past summer i had found out through my family's 'talking' that my older sister who is eight years older than i am. And i'm 20 years old now. That my brother had left a suicide note. It took forensics a long time to close my brother's case. It was open for an entire year and a month. When i found this out about my brother 9 months later my heart tore into pieces. More than finding out he was dead but not knowing the true story of why. My dad continued to tell me he didn't know. i knew that he over dosed after speaking to his room mates that found him dead on his apartment floor. They went away for the weekend and they returned to find him. They told me he left a note but i thought it was just his journal entries because i like to write a lot. I didn't know what to believe about my brother because everyone wanted to shelter me from the truth since they knew we were the closest.
My brother Tim, suffered from depression. He had admitted to me before that he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists in his bathtub but he passed out from bleeding so much and that attempt failed. After finding out my brother committed suicide and my father had lied to me about it. I tried to kill myself by drinking and taking a punch on xanax. Me and my father didn't speak to each other after that fight for 4 months. My friend that night came over and saved me. I have been checked into the psych ward for a second attempt of suicide. The pain of losing my brother never subsides. The whole situation was so bad. It wasn't like he just died and we had a funeral for him. It took us an entire month to get his body back from living in a different state. And almost over a year letter to know how he even died.
i can honestly say. Sitting in front of his grave and looking at his name on his tombstone is the hardest thing to do. And i sit here and ask myself why. Why? i wish i could have saved you that night you did this to yourself. I wish i called you. i wish i gave you a reason to look forward to something. But honestly. The worst part is i understand why you did it. Because all the time i just wake up and i can't even breathe. I just want to be with you so badly. You are the only other person on this earth that understood the pain. And in the blind of the eye your gone. And i just constantly want to join you. I just want the suffering to stop. I try to think about my family and how much that would kill them. I love you so much and the only thing i ever wanted for you was to be happy. And now you finally are. Rest peacefully my brother.