My sibling committed suicide

by Anonymous
(New York)

On what we think it was, November 20th 2011 my older brother Tim, who was 25. Committed suicide. I was meeting up with him at the air port three days later. He was living in a different state at the time and he had just moved out of my mothers house where we both lived. We were really close and i leaned on him when i was having rough times. We were so happy to meet up finally and spend thanks giving eve together. I got a fake i.d and everything so we could party. I hadn't spoken to my brother in two days. My sister calls me the day i was leaving (while I'm in class) saying she received an email on Facebook saying 'I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.' my sister was puzzled and called me. I called my brother and he didn't answer. But, i knew i was meeting up with him that night so i figured he was just at work. I got on the plane and my step-mom picked me up. i didn't see my brother. My dad told me everything was fine. Until i got back to my father's house and my 11 year old little brother asked me where he was ? I said yeah can you tell me whats going on?
My father looked at my step-mother and told us to sit down. and i knew something bad had happened. That's when he told me he was gone. but he told me he got into a car accident. He didn't want to tell me the truth nor my little brother who looked up to him. I went on with life in a shock. Wishing i was dead instead of him. Everyday. Still.
This past summer i had found out through my family's 'talking' that my older sister who is eight years older than i am. And i'm 20 years old now. That my brother had left a suicide note. It took forensics a long time to close my brother's case. It was open for an entire year and a month. When i found this out about my brother 9 months later my heart tore into pieces. More than finding out he was dead but not knowing the true story of why. My dad continued to tell me he didn't know. i knew that he over dosed after speaking to his room mates that found him dead on his apartment floor. They went away for the weekend and they returned to find him. They told me he left a note but i thought it was just his journal entries because i like to write a lot. I didn't know what to believe about my brother because everyone wanted to shelter me from the truth since they knew we were the closest.
My brother Tim, suffered from depression. He had admitted to me before that he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists in his bathtub but he passed out from bleeding so much and that attempt failed. After finding out my brother committed suicide and my father had lied to me about it. I tried to kill myself by drinking and taking a punch on xanax. Me and my father didn't speak to each other after that fight for 4 months. My friend that night came over and saved me. I have been checked into the psych ward for a second attempt of suicide. The pain of losing my brother never subsides. The whole situation was so bad. It wasn't like he just died and we had a funeral for him. It took us an entire month to get his body back from living in a different state. And almost over a year letter to know how he even died.
i can honestly say. Sitting in front of his grave and looking at his name on his tombstone is the hardest thing to do. And i sit here and ask myself why. Why? i wish i could have saved you that night you did this to yourself. I wish i called you. i wish i gave you a reason to look forward to something. But honestly. The worst part is i understand why you did it. Because all the time i just wake up and i can't even breathe. I just want to be with you so badly. You are the only other person on this earth that understood the pain. And in the blind of the eye your gone. And i just constantly want to join you. I just want the suffering to stop. I try to think about my family and how much that would kill them. I love you so much and the only thing i ever wanted for you was to be happy. And now you finally are. Rest peacefully my brother.

Comments for My sibling committed suicide

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Feb 17, 2014
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
I completely understand my brother was 9 year older than me. My dad left when i was 6 and my brother pretty much brought me up. I have a sister to but we didn't have the same bond. My brother was the only person who understood me and the same with him. He was depressed and did mention it to me but i didn't think would do what he did. He jumped off a cliff at a quarry (not a water quarry. Rock) :( im 21 now he did it when i was 19 and he was 27. IM in a mess still. Cant face living without him. i know its the same for every 1 but when you have that "special bond"it makes it so much worse. So sorry for you though. Please stay strong what you have to think is would they like to see us like this??

Mar 22, 2013
by: Anonymous

Also Thank you for sharing your stories too.

Mar 21, 2013
Dear Anonymous in New York,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so glad you wrote back. Sounds like you do have a great therapist. Give the Zoloft a couple of months and if you think it is still not working, be sure to tell your therapist. Getting the right medication and doseage can be a long trial and error thing, but you have to stick with it. I am also glad to hear you are planning to go to a support group. There are 1000's of people out there who have lost loved ones to suicide. I know it doesn't help for me to tell you that, but hearing from others, who are dealing with the same loss, will help. You will find compassionate friends there.

Hang in there. Keep us appraised of how you are doing. I think you are on the right track. I send you more hugs and blessings. Pat

Mar 21, 2013
Thank you.
by: Anonymous

thank you everyone for the feed back (i wrote this page). It helps honestly. I have been in therapy for about 3 years, even before any of this happened with my brother. I seriously couldn't ask for a better therapist she is awesome. I recently went to seek professional help a month ago in a psych-ward after i attempted suicide , where i was evaluated by a psychiatrist and now prescribed Zoloft. Its sort of helping me but i still have days where i am going to grieve or feel like i do want to die/ hopelessness. But, in the end it is up to me to create my own happiness and this is a getting used to and a long process of continuing to stick. I hope soon i can come to terms to realize life is worth living and i have my whole life to live still. My next step is going to grieving counseling with other people who's family members have committed suicide. It would be nice to hear other people talk about their stories and how they are coping.

Mar 21, 2013
Dear Anonymous in New York,
by: Pat in Missouri

There are things in this life that we will never understand. It might help to look at this way: your brother was tormented by the demons of depression. He is now at peace. But you are the one struggling. You need professional help and you need to stick with it for the rest of your life. You need to identify yourself as a worthwhile and important person. Your brother will always be in your heart, but you cannot live with a physical presence that is no longer here. His spirit will hold you up.

What you can do for your brother is to honor him by getting the help he did not get and finding the happiness he never found. Dying will not help. It will just leave your family with more pain. In fact, I think your entire family needs professional help. By hiding the truth about your brother's death, all they did was create more pain for you and themselves. They couldn't deal with what happened either.

You should know that depression is usually brought on within the family structure. Everyone in your family is probably hurting in 1 way or another. Since you seem to have been unsuccessful with treatment in the past, you might need to find another hospital. Check with your local mental health agency. Depression is an illness just like diabetes or pneumonia. It has to be treated with medication and counseling. Sometimes, it takes several different medications before the doctor and patient find the right one that works and you have to stick with it forever just like a diabetic takes insulin every single day.

I read a quote recently that really touched me, as I journey through my own grief. Giving a gift to someone who cannot reciprocate it is the greatest gift of all and the greatest honor. Your brother cannot return your gift, but you can give him the gift of finding happiness yourself. Seek out help in every direction you can. Get involved in a support group where others have lost loved ones too. You are not alone. People die everyday. For everyone who hurts because he lost a brother, sister, father, or whoever, there is someone else going through the same thing. You need to find help through sharing with others who are grieving too. I lost my own brother in 2011. I also lost my father and my fiance'. I have found that helping other people helps me too. I am doing some volunteer work. I am also trying to write a cookbook for grievers. I have noticed that even my taste buds are different, since I have been grieving.

Please get help right away and honor your brother by getting well and finding the happiness he never did. You will feel him smiling at you and his spirit will comfort you. I send you many hugs. I wish you well. It can get better, but it is totally up to you. Pat

Mar 20, 2013
by: nina

I'm so sorry for your loss and i know that you are probably sick of hearing that because I'm.. i lost my dad 3 months ago in a car accident in a blink of an eye i won't tell you how much it kills because I'm pretty sure you know because it doesn't matter if it's a mom,dad,sister,or a brother the only thing that makes it hard to wake up everyday that you loved them so much and you still do and you can't see a purpose of breathing anymore after they are gone it's the fact that you need them now more than ever,
i just pray every single day for them to be happy because for me daddy never failed to make me the happiest girl in the world my life was so perfect and now it's not sometimes i think it's not fair but then i remember how many people in the world that maybe suffer much more's god's plane ,he has a reason for all of this and one day hopefully everything will make sense.

Mar 20, 2013
My sibling committed suicide
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your brother to suicide. Depression is a very difficult disease to live with. I suffered all my life with depression and in my 40's I was forced to go into counselling otherwise I would have ended my life. Not because I wanted to, but because of depression and being in a pit I couldn't climb out of. I had a lovely husband and 3 children and as much as I wouldn't have wanted to do this to them. I may have done this without thought. When someone is depressed they cannot think of how their death would affect their family or what it would do to them. They simply cannot think at all about anything else than ending their misery. You are LUCID and articulate and could make a very wise and conscious decision to go into counselling. Even if you spent years there like I did. You would emerge with such a mind set that you would start to feel better and be able to go on in life and be successful. Don't choose the wrong way out. Choose the right way UP! You can climb out of your pit of despair and pain over your loss of your brother. I do understand how you feel.
My nephew 6 years ago threw himself in front of an express train. Our lives changed forever. He was a young 30yrs. old man with no job, no home, and depression. His medications caused suicidal tendencies. He called out often for help and no one came. Don't end your life. the way you feel now is the way your parents will feel if you ended your life. Don't do this to them. Get counselling. You will feel so great. Then give your life to something better that will cause you to be successful. Make your brother proud of you. don't fill your life with guilt about how you could have helped him. Often a family member cannot help their loved one out of depression. they need specialist care. Your life will get better in time. Give it a chance. Your family needs you. The world needs you.

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