My son comitted suicide

by Peggy J. LaRace
(Ludlow MA U.S.A.)

My name is Peggy, I lost my son Glenn Jr. at the young age of 24 years old this year, 2013. He jumped off a bridge in the town of Ludlow, MA,I never knew what a broken heart felt like until that day. My other son Chris and GlennJr. were best of friends,close in age, but to see everyone so devastated was the hardest part, and most important was how long was Glenn suffering in silence in his depression. I know you will never forget such a tragic death. You weren't there, so you have flashes in your mind, was he drowning, did he freeze??? I pray to God but it just seems one thing after another. I ask for prayers from everyone, I appreciate it. Take care, Peggy

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Jan 23, 2014
my dear friend
by: Anonymous

Good morning my friend, you are in my heart. You are right, (not that you had to hear you are right) but there is a new person now, we still are the kind soul they know and love. But as you said, which I love your writing & meaning, is we are being made a tapestry :) My son Chris, like your child, now is a only child. He has always been close to me, & his Dad. Me more so. We go to dinner at least once a week, he works here , we instant message each other every day, I cook a big meal on Sunday's when he comes by :)Chris is starting to talk more about Glennie,as the good times they had,it makes me happy to see him smile. If people say I want the old you back, I explain to them, that I am trying to figure out where I am at in this new life, I need time I tell them for myself, but yet there are times I like to have someone over for coffee, or go out for dinner, go to church. So they understand or they don't. I just pray for them. thank you to for understanding about God, I love him, I believe in him, but can't quite understand sometimes, not all the time. Friend here is my e-mail address, peggylarace@gmail.com, as always, I look forward to hearing from you, you are a dear friend, God bless you, be well. Love Peggy

Jan 22, 2014
Peggy,
by: Anonymous

It has stuck with me. There is another picture which I will share with you when you write me at my email address I gave you earlier, that is if you choose to do so. It's all about timing. There were days when I did not want to read anything or talk to anyone. A close family member told another family member that "she missed me". She wanted the old me back. I confronted her and she admitted saying that. I told her that person was no more. She would not be coming back. Perhaps I said it with intensity,I will admit that. But in my way of looking at it, it is truth. She's gone. But over time, God is recreating her, brick by brick. I sense his presence. Like you, I am a believer. I view him differently than I did before loss. I see him as my lover; he loves me. I am his daughter as are you. He loves all his kids. We are his treasure, hard fought for. The battle still rages. Many continue to die from all causes. He cares for each one. Over time he has helped me see the bigger picture which helps me with acceptance. I don't want the old me back. This me, being stitched together to make a beautiful tapestry, has greater understanding and a deep desire to be in love with him and to reach out to others in their pain. I come here to see if there are those who share with me a broken heart from suicide. This is how we met, Peggy. Please continue to write or meet me elsewhere. I want to be available to listen to your story and to hear more about your remaining son. Is he an only child like mine now? I don't want to pry. It's whatever your heart needs to share for some emotional relief. Does that make sense? Until later...blessings.

Jan 22, 2014
My friend, Peggy
by: Anonymous

It is so refreshing to have heart to heart conversations through cyberspace. Who knew? I appreciate your words. I hear your heart. Grief is hard work! I attempt to make them God-centered. It is a pleasure to be able to reach out in this method to touch the heart of another. We have been given a horrific and yet unique opportunity to "get real" about suicide with those who weep right along with us. I am sure this is not for everyone, but I felt impressed to express understanding to other hurting hearts. It is different to have someone you talk to say, "I know how you feel" when they haven't a clue! It takes an actual loss to suicide Of one's own children to "get it". Does that make sense? I am years ahead of you, but I can drop back in this journey and take you by the hand and we can walk together. Picture this: I am carrying one suitcase of sorrow while you are carrying two. What if I offer to carry one of yours for a spell, to lighten your load and by doing so, I balance my own. This picture was painted for me by another mother whose son came home for the holidays, went into the woods and ended his life. Her story resonated with me, especially this picture. Blessings...

Jan 21, 2014
My friend always
by: Anonymous

Hello my friend, you are an inspiration to me. As I also have birthed my to sons Glennie and Chris.in the beginning Chris couldn't talk much about it, and me seeing him upset, I would cry. I tried hard not to cry in front of him, and to be his strength, it was hard at first. But as time went on friend, I would say things to Chris, when you want to talk, I am always here, don't matter what time of day or night, I will be hear to love you my son and listen. As the year went by he would call me and just start talking about Glennie, then we go to a different subject, and it was okay to do that, and smile. Our heart's will hurt forever, until we see Jesus in heaven. I said to Chris, we all will be with Glennie one day, we must remember how much he was hurting, as much as we miss him, he has been made whole again. Friend, I will tell you I pray, I believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but I can't understand my life right now, I want to but I feel a little empty, if that make any sense? Take care friend, I will be waiting to hear from you, God bless you, be well,my dear friend, Love Peggy

Jan 21, 2014
To my friend, Peggy
by: Anonymous

Another day. Seems odd they can pass. It's been years for me now, but still it seems less. I feel your sorrow. I can't feel the sibling loss, however. I have an "only" son now. He never speaks of his brother, not to me anyway. I've often wondered, worried actually, whether he is grieving some of the pain out. Guys are different. It's hard to read their feelings if they are a closed book, but I know he misses his bro so much. Since I birthed them both, this much I know and the rest I leave up to God. Please keep writing. It's beneficial to the heart. Writing during the first few years helped me a great deal to release some of the pressure that builds with sorrow. You know what I mean? I didn't have a job to go to when it happened and now, I am "retired" but having no distractions has made it harder. But some who do work say that they can hardly focus. Hopefully that gets better over time. It's all about time. But time does not heal this wound, not in my book. It is a wound I will carry to my grave. But after the grave there is eternity and no one will have scars there, just Jesus. In him we hope. Blessings

Jan 20, 2014
my friend
by: Anonymous

Dear Friend, thank you again for keeping in touch with me, you are so true to writing as you did, sometimes we need to vent, it is not contagious, and yes it is a certain strength. People tell me I don't know how you get through it, I say I pray, I have great friends and family. I also have my son Chris, who has lost his brother, his best friend, it isn't all about my strength, it is being there for my son Chris. What about Glennie? He suffered in silence, how hard is that? So people don't realize, when you have children, it is not about us, it become what about them, they are a blessing. I believe when you have children, it isn't about us, "selfish" is a word in the dictionary. I am bless my dear friend to have you in my life, be well, I am praying for you, and your family, this morning as I was praying I said to myself, Lord, I don't understand you, you are very complex. thank you again friend for listening and being here for me. Love Peggy

Jan 19, 2014
Sharing with Peggy
by: Anonymous

I am so glad you made it through the first year. We don't realize what we are capable of and how we can go on, survive the lives of our children. Mine died in his birth month just two weeks before his BD. We have that in common and probable many more things. I have accumulated friends like you,friends I have yet to meet. Surprisingly, they have come along to replace those who walked away, or that is what I call it. Those who have not taken a hit like we have don't think they could and it bothers them to be around us, I think. What they do not know is that we have been given the strength to cope. Not needing these coping skills, they assume they would be too weak to manage a tragedy like ours. It's not contagious. There.is no pain like it in the universe, but I would not go back. Maybe it takes a few years to get to the place Job did where he said no matter what happened he would not lose his faith.

Know that I was asked if I would reach out to others in similar pain and I promised that I would. Doing so has been an adventure meeting others with tragic stories and I love to listen. We can talk in greater depth when you are ready. Blessings.

Jan 18, 2014
Sharing with my friend
by: Peggy

Dear Friend, thank you for your writing to me, I made it thru my son Glennie's first anniversary, I couldn't believe a year had gone by. His birthday was 6 days after he left us, I was okay, I cried, but today I sobbed, I am again okay. The pain is still around, but I continue praying to God for peace in my heart, and my son Chris, and their Dad. I know my friend, one day at a time, even if we can't do that, one moment at a time. Life is a journey, as my Dad use to say, "Peg we are just passing thru" I so believe that, my prayers are with you and your family, with the grace of God we will get by, good memories will come back to us, and sometimes, our closes family and friends, don't know what to say to us, one of my sister's, changes the subject, then the other one says I know Peg, then the other sister I talk to about how I miss Glennie, by the time I am done talking, it sounds like it was her son not mine:) Well my dear friend, please write me soon, it will never be all right it will be okay. I will tell you of what happened to me this week, I asked God and the angels and my son Glennie, please show me a sign you are around me, so I prayed that prayer at lunch time at work, and came back to my desk, I sat down, and for some reason looked in back of me,there was a piece of folded paper on the floor, so I picked it up, to see if it was something important, it was, it was a picture of a T Rex dinosaur, my son Glennie loved T Rex, it was his favorite! So please remember, your son is around you, I know this, just ask God,the angels, and your son to show you a sign! I know the next time I hear from you my friend, you will tell me you heard from your son. God bless you, Love your friend Peggy

Jan 18, 2014
Sharing with my friend
by: Anonymous



We are rounding another calendar year and heading for that horrible milestone. Dear Lord, why is it still so hard? For days now, I find myself dreading the approaching date I am a basket of tears, becoming emotional even with totally unrelated topics. No one would dare mention our loss now . . . and they rarely do any other time of the year.

Do I sound bitter? Perhaps I am . . . just a little, or a lot, I'm not sure. But the awful memories come up and choke me this month more than any other in the year. Perhaps I let them, more than any other time too. The loss of our son was so horrible and we miss him so much, even though we have come to accept his death better now than we did.

I try to have good memories about him and his dad and I talk about those a lot. It helps. But the family members who fell away from us over his death never speak of him to us. I can't seem to find good memories to erase those ugly ones. My mind understands that each of Your children is Your responsibility, but my heart still hurts for all the things said and done during those few, awful days we were together.

Lord, do those memories ever cross their minds? Do they look at the calendar, realizing that the anniversary date of our son's death is approaching and feel sadness or remorse? I don't doubt that they loved him and miss him, but do they feel any sorrow for the way they treated us? Is it guilt, Lord, that keeps them silent? There are no answers to these questions. Perhaps I am not supposed to wonder, but I can't help it. I do wonder.

I dread the day, but dreading won't keep it from coming. I will try to occupy myself with other things and with You by my side, I will get through it. We will get through it. That's my goal. Simple and yet loaded. You are the only one I can count on that day, right? You have been with me all the days . . . before and after . . . even though I must admit that there are many times when I have felt all alone. Please remind me that I am not.

Please remind me that you will carry me through this anniversary like You carried me through the others. And please remind me that You won't forget to return. Please remind me that it will be soon. I have nothing else I can count on but Your return. And then, any lingering memories will vaporize when I first see Your face and then see my son's face . . . together. Now won't that be a scene to commit to memory and savor for all eternity?"

Please write, Peggy. Blessings to you!

Jan 11, 2014
a blessing
by: Anonymous

Good morning Gracie, thank you so much for your message of hope. You couldn't have put it any better, I pray for you and your son for peace within your heart, as it seems you have received it. I know one day when I go to heaven to meet our God, my son will be there also, with his big smile :) Well I made it thru his first year anniversary, which was January 8, I never knew what a broken heart felt like until that day. But I pray for continuing peace to God. I am blessed with my younger son, who was Glennie's best friend. Life is one heck of a journey. God bless you Gracie, please keep in touch. much blessing to you my friend. Love Peggy

Jan 10, 2014
To my friend, Peggy
by: Anonymous

It is a blessing to connect heart to heart across cyberspace. I have no idea how it works but I accept that it does. Just as these fiber connections are invisible, so are the invisible arms of God, but he is there. It took me quite a while to understand this truth. I had always known it in my head, but the connection between head and heart had to be mended. Suicide shatters us into a pile of broken glass. It takes time for the fine hands of a Carpenter to put us back together very gently for only he knows how much we hurt. This journey we are on is lifelong. At least I believe I will carry the pain of loss as well as the memory of my son in my heart until I draw my final breath. But there is hope. Heaven is my hope. When I see my son again, he will be all brand new! Perfect! And delighted to be with his family again. I look forward to his beaming grin from ear to ear. Perhaps you imagine something like this too? There is a text that puts "anchor" and "hope" in the same sentence. I like that. It's solid, reliable. Blessings, Gracie

Jan 02, 2014
thank you Gracie
by: Peggy

Dear Gracie, thank you so much for writing to me, the words are peace to my soul. And what you say is so true. I pray for peace, for my son who is still with me to have joy in his heart. He loved his brother so much, that was my prayer, that my sons would love one another, and be there for each other. And they were. Thank you again Gracie, God be with you my friend. Love Peggy

Jan 02, 2014
You are a survivor
by: Gracie

The holidays have passed and they were hard, weren't they? I have a few years on you so I have grown use to the feelings. I am so sorry for your loss! Your mommy heart is shattered as was mine 8 years ago. One son left behind, a younger brother. They were close like yours. It is hard to find others willing to walk with you in your journey. Most relatives and friends grow weary and fade away, at least that has been my experience. But others have joined me. We have never met other than here or there are grief sites. There is understanding of our pain, a common bond. You know, I wondered to if my son was in pain before he died, but I doubt it from what others have shared. He would have asphyxiated which happens quickly. May I suggest that death came quickly for your son. I doubt that any pain upon death could compare to the pain they had in life. My son suffered a long time with depression - I know that now. So he is at peace. Yours is at peace also. May you feel the loving arms of God around your shoulders since he promises to never leave. Others do. He does not. Be blessed, my friend.

Dec 31, 2013
Dianne,Jean & Anonymous
by: Peggy

I thank you all for your words, and prayers. My prayers are with you all, God be with you, Love Peggy

Dec 31, 2013
thank you Kate
by: Peggy

Dear Kate, thank you for your words and prayers. My prayers go out to you today and forever. God bless you & your family.

Dec 27, 2013
Death
by: Kate

Death is so hard!! Losing our child is the hardest ever. I lost my wonderful son Nov 2012 I don't know how I survived my heart hurts so much. I'm sure it's the same for you. No words to describe the pain. My heart goes out to you in prayer!

Dec 27, 2013
Love him still
by: Dianne

Don,t allow anyone to tell you that you don,t have the right to grieve for you darling son for as long as you want. Their will be rage their will be guilt their will be the sense of failure. BUT most of all their will be your love for him. Hold it close, e.mail. him text his number stay in touch with your heart. You will go on. How and why is a mystery, my son died 1year ago he was the love of my life. Near Ludlow England

Dec 27, 2013
My son comitted suicide mom
by: Jean Benson

I also lost a son thru suicide because he could no longer take the botched surgeries that made pain his constant companion and now his brother on Nov. of 2013 to cancer. 2 sons in 2 yrs. and too much to bear but I suffer for the survivors and have my own times of unbelievable pain that comes from the loneliness of life without them.
Whatever your son suffered was taken away by a good and loving God the instant he hit the water. No need to spend time worrying as he is safe now in God's heaven and has had his first Christmas with Jesus. Remember these things, dear friend. I am praying for you.

Dec 27, 2013
Your son
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your lost. I know how you feel, I lost my son as well. Such sadness...

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