my son, I am so sorry.
My 17 year old son took his own life on Thursday 19th January 2012. I was informed by my partner after leaving work that my son had hung himself.
Its been just over 4 weeks and everyone appears to have gone back to their normal lives although still grieving. i keep hearing
" crying wont bring him back" I have sat for 4 weeks praying minute by minute and hour by hour that my son will find a way to contact me however find nothing. I feel pain like no other and feel like my heart and life has been blown apart. Life has changed for me and life will never be the same.
I feel pain that my son lived with his dad and not me, and keep thinking about the pain he must have been going through in the final hours.
I cant wait for people to leave the house so I can cry and allow the emotion out, I feel that I should be strong as I have 3 other children of 5,13,14 and a partner who has most likely had enough of seeing me in such a state: my children lost their brother too.
I will say thoughts of suicide have ravaged me and the only reason I have not completed the act is because I know the pain of loosing a loved one and my kids could not handle or deserve it.
Its something I never expected and my son was always full of life and did not appear depressed. I keep thinking about my conversation 2 days earlier with him, I should have known something was wrong as he called me as soon as he woke! I didn't ask him if he was ok? he asked me what I was doing and I said "working shortly", I was always working!!! he did not ask to come on and I did not invite him on... why? we had a general chat about what he was up to all seemed fine.... I regret that day from the very depths of my soul: I know if I'd have seen him I would have known something was wrong.
I feel numb today, or sort of numb, I am dreaming in the past tense as I dreamt last night of him at the mortuary. this is not right. I am scared that at some point i'm going to crack! and I will not be able to cope. ravaged by guilt. I miss you so much...I feel I did not appreciate you enough when I had you to cuddle, I would give anything to change this... I believed he was 17 and enjoying being a teenager... 400-600 friends came to his funeral just proving he was the most loveable kind hearted lad ever... why babe why x mum. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!