my son, I am so sorry.

by Tracy
(Bradford, uk)

My 17 year old son took his own life on Thursday 19th January 2012. I was informed by my partner after leaving work that my son had hung himself.
Its been just over 4 weeks and everyone appears to have gone back to their normal lives although still grieving. i keep hearing
" crying wont bring him back" I have sat for 4 weeks praying minute by minute and hour by hour that my son will find a way to contact me however find nothing. I feel pain like no other and feel like my heart and life has been blown apart. Life has changed for me and life will never be the same.
I feel pain that my son lived with his dad and not me, and keep thinking about the pain he must have been going through in the final hours.
I cant wait for people to leave the house so I can cry and allow the emotion out, I feel that I should be strong as I have 3 other children of 5,13,14 and a partner who has most likely had enough of seeing me in such a state: my children lost their brother too.
I will say thoughts of suicide have ravaged me and the only reason I have not completed the act is because I know the pain of loosing a loved one and my kids could not handle or deserve it.
Its something I never expected and my son was always full of life and did not appear depressed. I keep thinking about my conversation 2 days earlier with him, I should have known something was wrong as he called me as soon as he woke! I didn't ask him if he was ok? he asked me what I was doing and I said "working shortly", I was always working!!! he did not ask to come on and I did not invite him on... why? we had a general chat about what he was up to all seemed fine.... I regret that day from the very depths of my soul: I know if I'd have seen him I would have known something was wrong.
I feel numb today, or sort of numb, I am dreaming in the past tense as I dreamt last night of him at the mortuary. this is not right. I am scared that at some point i'm going to crack! and I will not be able to cope. ravaged by guilt. I miss you so much...I feel I did not appreciate you enough when I had you to cuddle, I would give anything to change this... I believed he was 17 and enjoying being a teenager... 400-600 friends came to his funeral just proving he was the most loveable kind hearted lad ever... why babe why x mum. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

Comments for my son, I am so sorry.

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Feb 14, 2014
my son, i am so sorry
by: Cathy

I am so sorry for your loss and i am feeling the exact same way-my 27 year old son hung himself dec 18, 2013 leaving behind his father who he lived with, myself and 3 beautiful sisters. I was the last one to speak to him. You are right when you say people have gone back to their lives but for us we will never be the same. I cry, i scream, i pray and i try to remember each day to live my life the way he would have wanted me to. My heart cries with you and please know that you are not alone. xo

Apr 04, 2012
god bless you

Hi Tracy this is Brandons mom, i lost my angel on 18th October 2011, worst day of my life had a massive heart attack, i didnt know he had any problem and every day i used to torture myselflike you and wonder was there some way i could have saved my baby but we are nothing and i guess we have to go on with life which is difficult but be gentle on yourself

Mar 10, 2012
god suffered when his son died
by: Anonymous

a minister who always dedicated himself to his parishioners
lost his son by an accident! he was in so much pain and so angry that he almost gave up his church, he did not care for anything anymore. Shortly offer this he spoke to God in his private area and in anger he said, God I did everything for others I love people I help why did you do this to me! why why you have forsaken me and took my son. God where were you when he needed you! deep in his heart he heard the answer
"I was in the same place when mine died" that shook him to the bottom of his soul and he was sorry for the lack of love he showed God, yes we lose our loved ones, but it's just a short while, our life years are not long compared to eternity.....
and God received them with open arms,so we should remember our savior knows our pain and if we turn to him he will heal our heart., he said I will be with you always....
I will never leave you or forsake you...Jesus was not a man who lied he is the truth for ever and ever.
I am praying that you will receive the peace and comfort you need to go on till you meet again.

Feb 23, 2012

Its been another day, 36 days of agony.
The shadow that lies over me from morning till night and onto my dreams is immense, this excruciating weight of the constant ramblings of my thoughts and the constant sickness is the worst pain ever imaginable.
I sit with my thoughts, at times having a conversation with my son only to wake from it with the bitter reality that its just me and my own mind making things up to comfort myself.
I never imagined Jordan not being here... and I never ever imagined that one day my two younger sons or my daughter would grow to be older than Jordan. I certainly never ever imagined this.
For some reason I find it hard to look at my sons photo's and I am just not able to even speak about him for a few minutes to anyone I know. I swear its still not gone in... like recover from grief mentions... grief only gives you what you can handle! well I cant handle that much because some days I swear I cant take much more.
I have started to feel compelled to know everything about my sons death and am only recently thinking of his injuries, these have now started to haunt my dreams, his injuries never bothered me at the time, my son is my son and he looked beautiful to me: I felt peaceful whilst at his side in the mortuary.
I visited my son at the morgue daily, sometimes twice daily then everyday at the chapel.. I cut a lock of my hair and placed it under his clothing directly onto his chest so that some part of me would always be with him, I stroked his face and kissed his head, hands and face, I so wanted to pick him up and take him home with me.
One thing that really bothers me is that my son could be in limbo, Its something I never thought about however due to the nature in which Jordan took his own life I now fear that greatly.. I pray that if God truly exists he allows any sin to fall onto me as Jordan was only a child of 17 and cannot be held accountable.
I constantly look forward to bed and darkness hoping I may see my son appear, I feel selfish at times even fearful of taking his energy.
There are days I feel life is " Dust to dust, Ashes to ashes, the dead are not thinking nor feeling just dead" that thought strangely has comforted me at times.
Our children are not meant to die before us, I feared death now I feel comfort in the fact that one day I will die too.
I am sure after 5 weeks today I should feel more pain than I sometimes do, although this is unbearable I still feel like I should feel more pain.
People say think of the good times and how happy he was.I really do try to be positive about my thoughts of my son but my thoughts only seem to fleet with happiness before being shattered by grief.
The world outside still goes on whilst I walk alone on slithers of broken glass and searing coals burning up through my soul... I hate every single part of grief. I just want my precious beautiful son Jordan back.

Feb 22, 2012
my son
by: Kersasp

Hello Tracy

I know any amount of condoling words cannot bring peace to heart as I am experiencing the same. Please don't blame yourself for the incident it will only compel you to thing of the incident over and again. As you keep yourself occupied with work it would be only better to load yourself with some more to keep your mind occupied. I lost my son of 11 yr on Dec 22, 2011, the environment at home is very sad. People around me want me to keep praying - but I don't know why should I pray now. Will prayers get me my son back? We all need to be strong and think straight.

Feb 22, 2012

I feel truly sorry for us all! battered and broken by this terrible pain, the love and feeling that comes from strangers who also know this pain is overwhelming... god bless us all and I pray we find the strength one day to feel life again.

yours truly

Tracy (Jordan's mum)

Feb 21, 2012
my son,
by: sendy

Oh dear friend
Grief has no set time nor set place to be it is your right to cry and mourne your child. It is not your limitation it is not a sign of weakeness, it is a painful process that one must endure.Rememeber Jesus cried when Lazarus died and how could it be possible for us not to grief over the loss of our most precious gift, our child. Do not wait for any one, do not hide, seek help, talk to someone who can sit with you and listen w/o feeling vulnerable or threatened. I too lost my son and it was difficult to find that person, but trust me this is a tome when you know a friend.
May you find peace and comfort and be free to express your pain

Feb 21, 2012
by: rayolife

I know you are devastated. I felt like someone had shot a canon though my chest and abdomen, leaving a huge gaping hole. My entire future totally disintegrated in a moment in time. I was so numb, I had to take a 6 months leave of absence from work. Get counseling, medication, read books, journal, sleep, cry, scream into your pillow. When you're taking a shower is a great time to cry....whatever helps. It is a VERY LONG and lonely journey. David has been in heaven 3 1/2 years and I still cry. This loss will change your life forever, and EVERYBODY else can just GET OVER IT, because you never will. Your true friends will learn to accept you as you are now, but that will only be a few, close friends. Just remember your other children are hurting and their futures are forever changed, but I think it is the VERY hardest experience a mother can ever endure. I thought I could never live through another day, but somehow with baby steps, I'm still existing not though not happily. I'm still outraged!God help us all.

Feb 21, 2012
Oh, the Pain
by: Judith

Tracy, I normally don't respond to anyone who has lost a child to suicide or murder because I haven't ever experienced that horrible pain. please don't wait until someone is out of the house for you to grieve. Your grief must wait on no one. Grieve as you must for to hold back is cheating yourself out of your true feelings. The others will just have to understand.
I feel so sad for your loss and fear my son one day will do the same. He is so unstable and lost as I see him meandering through life with no purpose. He is 47 and still lives inertly thinking everyone should help him. I've done all I can do and to talking to him is like talking to air. He wants none of what I have to offer up for counsel but will take all my money if I let him.

I pray you will one day find the peace needed to move past this horrible death.

Feb 21, 2012
So Sorry
by: carol,seans mom

Tracy, I lost my son Sean on November 15th,2011. Well it was November 13th that he did not wake up. We still do not know why Sean died. All we know is about a blood clot that landed on his heart. I know your pain and it is the worst possibe pain. We need to be there for our other children. Sean left behind two younger sisters. My older daughter is graduating college in May and she struggles now so bad. She always thought he would be there. We all did. I wish I got to tell him how much I love him, I know he knew he would tell me he had everything. Now my hansome boy is gone and has nothing. His youngest sister turned 16 two weeks after he died. She struggles with anxiety. They were close. She was the last one to spend time with him . She created a blog and continues to write how she feels. Life is different now and it will take a real real long time for any of us to accept this. He was my first born and only son. It has been over three months and most days I dont believe it still. Stay strong for your other children. They are your lifeline now. Peace to you.

Feb 21, 2012
dear Traci
by: Vicky

Hi Traci, our son died nearly 3 month ago now, he was in a motor bike accident, he lived for 8 day on life support then he pasted away.He was an organ donor and saved five mens lives just before christmas, life for us seem so lonely and the world is different, you need to make a new normal for your family, it is not easy and some days I have panic attack and just want it all to end, but would our sons want that for us , my son rang me just before his accident as if he knew, you need to have faith that they are near you, they don't leave you you just can't see the body anymore, earth is hell where they are is heaven, they has no worries and will never have to feel the pain that we are all going through now, each day is different some are ok and some are just not worth living for, but the ok days slowly become more than the other and you will go on you have no choice, you sound like a strong woman, look for the signs that your son is around you.
Our fridge plays a tune when the door is left open, it started to do that every two minutes for no reason our son mate was a fridge mechanic he said the button was stuck for no reason they are there keep going Mother of Brendon

Feb 20, 2012
I send you my thoughts
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. I feel your love for your son. Love is enough. He felt and feels your love. You love him, your love is his legacy from his Mom.

Be patient, be easy, allow yourself to be sad, to be angry and to question. Do this with a good friend or trusted family member. Then seek out a counsellor if you can.

All my best,

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