My son is gone and I want to be with him

My son Brian took his life 12/1/2011 and I am beyond broken hearted. he was a chef and a wonderful person. He never wanted to hurt anyone but he did when he left his wife 5 years ago.I know they were bitter(ex wife and daughter) and he hated that. He was engaged to a wonderful young woman, but actually his ex wife and daughter were very nice too. He was very well known but had been diagnosed bi polar and just was having trouble coping.He had a series of bad luck and grew more depressed.It was very public as he was very well known. There was a two page article in the paper immediately saying he died of a self inflicted gunshot.
I am having a hard time and some of it comes from a friend who keeps saying "suicide is a very selfish" act. How can people be so mean? I had someone tell me that for him "the pain to stay was greater than the pain to go".
I miss him terribly and I am unsure if I can make it.I pray everyday not to wake up.

Comments for My son is gone and I want to be with him

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Feb 22, 2013
My Mikee
by: Jenn

My husband and I were woken up by the telephone on New Year's Day 2013 at 7:00 a.m. My son's friend's mother was calling to tell me my son was in the hospital and that his heart had stopped. He was 29.By my son's Iphone I see that N called him at 9:00 p.m. to invite him to a New Year's Eve party in 2 hotel rooms N had rented. My son's answer was that he planned to stay home and watch movies with a few friends.I texted my son around 10:30 saying Happy New Year, he texted back "U 2 Mom". The was our last communication.It seems that my son ended up at the party. He did a bit of cocaine and then snorted some heroine, and maybe a bit more. I'm told he started vomiting, and when his breathing got terrible, the others put him in a cold bath. The police were called - 5 minutes later or an hour later, nobody will talk. He was pronounced dead - found in a fetal position on a bed. Paramedics came after the police left that they revived my son.They brought him to a hospital. For 3 days, he was on life support but was pronounced brain dead on the 3rd day and so we let them disconnect him.We had a beautiful wake for Mikee and I couldnt believe the people that came - kids from elementary school, a mother representing her son that was out west, neighbors I had never met from where I used to live, people from where he used to work - all with wonderful comments, grown men crying, beautiful stories - one about how my son stopped a friend from committing suicide and other appreciated stories. I always knew my son was gentle and kind, and it seems other people noted him for it.My 32 year old daughter was pregnant full term when all this was happening. I had to get a special medication in order to be able to sleep. Last night was the first night since it happened that I slept right through. My husband is not the father of my child, although he helped raise him for the last 22 years, and even though he is loving and there for me every step of the way, he does not feel the same pain and maybe I am glad he doesn't. My son and I were very close and 2 years ago he helped build the place we are in. He lived with us for a year during that time. We did something together every night. I remember saying to him that it was good we are having this time together, because you never know what can happen. I was referring to him losing me but certainly not me losing him!And I am glad this Christmas we had my husband's daughter, my daughter and Mikee all together for a wonderful holiday. It was the last time we saw him. Mike did drugs occasionally. His worst problem was binge drinking from time to time. When I go out,I cry in my car - most of the time the crying escalates into screams and I can't stop. I am told that I will feel better in a year. That I will never forget but will be able to focus less on this one event. I have his ashes on a table in my living room. Every morning I say "Hey, Mike...its a nice day today" Clare

Feb 13, 2012
I share in your grief

I can understand your pain, i too lost my son on October 18th 2011, and it is terrible. My son was diagonised with pancreatitis and he died within a day of a massive heart attack within 12 hours after the diagnosis, i never thought in my wildest dreams that i will live to see this day. Sometimes i wish god had taken me instead of hi , he was only 21 and had so many dreams. No matter what the reason of dying the pain is simply unbearable and even though i have three more kids sometimes i just wish i could hug him one last time, i would never let him go if the decision was in my hands , anyway the only comfort is that he is in heaven with jesus and he wont suffer anymore. Our angels are in heaven and they know how much we love them and miss them.

Feb 02, 2012
My loving son Steven
by: Gina

I too lost my son. Steven sadly passed away when he was 26 in November 2008. There are no words which can express the feeling of despair, loss, guilt, anger. I have been through them all. Now 3 years on I am much better. I think of my lovely son every day and I miss him terribly. I am a Christian and so was my son, he is in very safe hands now, as are the other sons and daughters of the people on the site who have passed. Our God is a good loving caring God and if you ask him for help to get through, he will help. Just put your trust in him and believe that one day you will be re-united with your loved one.

Feb 01, 2012
My Son Luke
by: Heidi

I sit here and I am so thankful to be able to go to a place where I can relate to people. Never in my most horrible thoughts did I ever think this would be a place where I would find comfort. My son, Luke, 22 years old, shot himself a little over 3 years ago. I was on my way to taking him to Crisis Response, trying to get him help and he shot himself after he had moved his car out of my way to take him there. The pain I still feel is so overwhelming that I sometimes don't even know what to do with it. I am so sorry for all of your losses and I understand where all of you are at. Luke was full of life and had a wife and daughter. I still have problems comprehending how this all happened. My heart is broken and I am realizing that this is something that I will feel for a heart breaks for all of you also.......

Jan 31, 2012
Reply to My Son is Gone
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. It is horrific and tragic beyond comprehension unless you have lived through it yourself and I have. My son killed himself just before his 31st birthday. He had his whole life ahead of him, but all he could apparently see was that the woman he was interested in dumped him. Depression came easy and no doubt took him to the brink. It makes no sense until - no matter how long it takes - to finally make some sense. We did not have a note, but perhaps those who have notes to read don't make sense of them. I believe that those who are at the brink and in a place of utter darkness and pain just want to pain to end. They don't want to hurt others. If they could comprehend the pain their death will cause, they maybe would not do it. It is a vicious place to be and even if surrounded by loving people, it is apparently not enough. Those who say (carelessly) that it is a selfish act are repeating what others say; it's even said in published books. But I prefer to think of it as a self-less act. We are born to live. We pull away from a hot stove. We learn to play safely in the yard. At what point in our lives do we cease to care whether we live or not? It seems to creep upon the unsuspecting who are down on themselves, bullyed by others, feel they are unloveable the way they want to be loved and on and on. It has been 6 years for us now. It took 3 of those years before I could step back from my pain and begin to see the bigger picture. I have learned much and would be willing to share it with you. It may help you in your journey. Please keep writing here. We all care and please write me at " Real joy is possible! Gracie

Jan 29, 2012
by: Anonymous

I have been reading the posts here with tears streaming down my face - my grandson took his own life 18 months ago aged 23 I loved him more than I knew. He had no mental disorder history or any other reason than his relationship with his partner had broken down and he left two little children. My life ended that day and I just get through each day as best I can. My ex husband has since hung himself and my daughter has been diagnosed with bi polar and won;t speak to me. We had no history of anything similar before. Most of the posts are so full of empathy.

Jan 29, 2012
So sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry about your son. My daughter was murdered July 2010. I thought that was the worst thing a Mother could go through. Now I see that alot of other people are grieving like we are.

I can't give you any words that will make things better, but I would if I could. Grief is an extension of love. Just keep loving him and look for the little messages he sends. I have gotten several from my daughter just to let me know she's ok. My prayers go out to you. Try not to blame yourself or him. It is what it is and he just could not find an answer.

Jan 28, 2012
Forever in our hearts
by: Anonymous I

My son also died recently.He was 30 yrs old. He was also bipolar. He died in a personal car accident.The papers said speeding.Why ? He never had a ticket for anything.He was taking meds for his illness and also for ADHD (which I doubt he had) He hid his illness well - always making others smile and doing deeds for them.Mostly only family knew.Inside himself he was angry and depressed a lot.He had been in psychiatric hospital twice.Your "friend is maybe ignorant" of silent illnesses.Only they know the pain they are feeling.I liked what Virginia said about "God knows" and the "Creator who loves them ". You might want to write a journal for your granddaughter.When you write from the heart the heart does not lie.Hopefully when she is older and reads it she will understand her father was ill.Don't be ashamed about the papers or what others say.Someday "they " might have to "Walk in our shoes ".Let's pray for "those" who don't understand.Let's remember all the best of our children until God brings us with them again.

Jan 28, 2012
From a Dad
by: Anonymous

My wife and I recently lost our young son, who by coincidence was also named Brian. I know all too well the pain and grief you are experiencing. I wish there were magic words to share that would help ease the pain but unfortunately they do not exist.
Grief is the price of love. As a result, the price loving parents pay when their child dies is incalculable. Anyone who has lost a child understands this, those who haven’t can’t.
My wife and I are trying to work through our grief, and are having to deal with friends and family who think they know what they are talking about, but really don’t - you friend is not mean, just ignorant.
I dread waking up in the morning as well, but there are others in my life that depend on me, so I do.
I often think of how sorry my son would feel if he knew how much his premature death was affecting me and my wife. My goal is to work to make peace with his death so that he can be at peace as well.

Jan 28, 2012
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry about your son, I know that doesn't mean much and is pretty lame, I lost my grandson (he would be 3 on FEb 2) two weeks ago and I can understand your pain, It is the worst pain ever, and all the whys what ifs and should ofs come into play. I can not imagine the pain your son must of been in to take his life or the pain you are feeling as a mom not able to help comfort him. I have no words except if you need someone to talk to, cry to, or yell you can write me anytime. I may not know what to say but, Im a good listener. I just want my nightmare to go away and my grandson to come through the door with his daddy...

Jan 28, 2012
I know your pain
by: CT

I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my son last year and the pain is still so raw. We will never get over the painful loss of a child. The so called friends that are making hurtful comments should be removed from your life. As you go on people will say stupid and hurtful things. When friends of mine would say something that bothered me I would let them know as soon as it came out of their mouth that I did not agree and did not want to hear such certain comments. Unless they have lost a child they do not have a clue of what we are going through and how badly we suffer every minute of every day.
In the first months all I wanted to do was die so that I would no longer feel the pain of missing my son and all the wonderful things to come in his life. He died unexpectedly, medical issue. I do have other people who I need to be here for so I try to get through each day. Some days are harder than others. Some days you will be numb and some days you will cry your eyes out. I am told the pain will ease, still hard to believe. You need to just take it one moment at a time and surround yourself with friends and family who will support you and not judge the situation. You will find out who will be there for you and the ones you will need to let go. I pray that you try to stay as strong as you can and don't give up.

Jan 28, 2012
Understand your situation.
by: Ruth from Wilmington,DE

First please let me offer my condolences for the loss of you son. I too lost my adult son who was bipolar. Unless you have someone like that you love very much who suffers this awful disease/condition you will never understand. They say that there are 3 places a bipolar will end up, mental institution, jail or dead. My son was in the 1st 2 and is now the 3rd. I have personally known 5 people with this condition and only one of them is alive.

My son committed a "passive" suicide, just stopped caring for himself which caused a whole lot of other problems. He died of a heart condition, totally brought on by how he cared for himself. You may feel that I am lucky that my sons death was so quiet, well the result is the same. He is gone,,,,,,forever and I am here for the rest of my life without him.

I want you to know that I understand how your son suffered and I do not judge what he did. He really must have been in constant torment. I feel so bad for these people and there does not seem to be much help aside from taking medicine that makes them feel not like themselves and in some cases is dangerous as well.

Most people mock and mimick the things that they hear about situations and what your friend is saying is one of those sayings. It must be very difficult to hear her/him say it. You may want to just put yourself in a situation of space between you and them, at least for a while. You have to take care of yourself. I will pray for you.

Jan 28, 2012
I am so sorry....
by: Virginia

I just lost my 48 year-old daughter in December, 2011 also, so I know the pain of losing a child. My daughter did not commit suicide, but she did accidently take too much Tylenol for her chronic pain which caused liver failure.
You know, God looks at the heart and your son was hurting beyond his coping levels and God knew that and he received your son in His arms and he did not see selfishness, rather, he saw hurt and God had and has compassion for His children who hurt. So, just remember that people, in their effort to help, sometimes say things that hurt more than help. Just know that your son was received by his Creator who loves him.

Jan 28, 2012
so sorry for your loss
by: Jen

I lost my son on 10/25/11 to a heroin overdose he was 23yrs old. I was and am beyond heartbroken - my son was in the experimental stages of his use which is ultimately what killed him because he didn't know his doses. I feel your pain and am so sorry for the mean things people say...they are ignorant really - I really believe that people who are suicidal are in so much pain - it's not that they really want to die it's the only was they see freedom from that type or depth of pain. My biggest challenge is figuring out how to live my life without my son my best friend - I miss him so much somedays it's unbearable but I have to go on for my other children too. I will be praying for you!! stay strong.

Jan 28, 2012
Chose to Live
by: Anonymous

Suicide is a terrible thing. The survivors carry such tremendous guilt often feeling "what if".....I had done more.....had said something....had noticed something was wrong. If somebody intends on taking their life they will be successful at it.
Suicide may seem selfish but the truth is the person could not take the horrendous pain this life had to offer. I do believe that people who commit suicide go to heaven. God is merciful and after their problems are worked on they eventually make it to paradise.
I know you miss your son terribly. I wouldn't worry about what people say. What the haters of the world have to say isn't worth our consideration. You know in your heart you love your son and he loves you. He chose to leave this world and it's heartbreaking for you. Please don't take the path to be with him. Life is worth living.
God bless. Try to find some comfort and peace today.

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