My son is gone

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My son is gone

by Marie
(Omaha, NE USA)

It happened on 12/26/10...we were going to go shopping for some after Christmas things....my son was living with me due to having been out of work (he was a union electrician). He rented out his house and since I was alone, moved in. We were not only mother and son, we were friends. He was 37 years old..He had a hard time sleeping and took too much medication..he also had sleep apnea...slowed his breathing down too much...what is worse is that I was up for 3 hours before I bothered to wake him. I will always wonder "if" I had only woke him earlier whether it would have been different.

I am working, but distant from everyone. I have two daughters and four grandchildren...my children's father passed away April of 2009, and now this... it is extremely difficult to maintain. I do not want to be here...I want to be with my son...but I do not have a choice. I do not see it ever getting easier. This is a place where I have just heard about, and never wanted to be here.

I am somewhere between shock/reality....I still cannot believe this has happened...I know my job well which is the only saving grace I have...I can do it by reflex!..my daughter and her kids and sometimes my son in law spend Fridays and Saturdays with me..which is a blessing...I hate Sunday's (which is the day of the week he passed away), and am always watching the clock for the hour...

I have read quite a few posts here and can relate to most of them. I still feel that losing a child is the worst possible pain that can happen...especially after you have known them as adults....

I am looking for a group of like individuals dealing with loss, cause it does help to talk...although sometimes there are no words to say...

My faith has been badly bruised, and I have anger not only with myself, but with God!...I understand that this is natural, but then again, nothing about this situation is natural...would appreciate any help anyone can be.

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My son is gone

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Sadness
by: Anonymous

On July 15, 2011 my 22 year old son kissed his pregnant wife and 2 year old daughter good bye, reassuring his toddler that it would be alright Daddy would be back. He got on his motorcycle, left with his friend for a weekend road trip and never returned...
Nothing has been the same since. I am not who I was. Everything in life is referenced by that date.."before the accident" or "since my son died".
I have never been a sad person, I've never understood depression or people who get depressed. Now even in my happiest moments I am sad. It is not something visible necessarily, but it is part of who I am now deep inside.
Aside from the grief of loosing a child, the sadness of missing him, there is a deep hurt. I can't believe God allowed this to happen. I trusted Him with this reckless, adventurous child of mine.
His son was born 2 months after his death. His baby girl still waits for her daddy to come home. It all seems so senseless...
I am homesick for my boy, exhausted by the mess left behind. I feel angry at God and angrier at myself .... mostly I feel abandoned and alone.
I want my boy. I want someone to explain this all to me.

The nightmare that keeps on
by: Ludy

My son passed away on 9/4/09. It's been 2 yrs now, but it feels like it just happened. I still wait for him to walk through the doors and here him say mom I am home. I want to hear his laughter, his silly jokes, and hear him say "ma, ma, mami, and with a loud voice I say what and he says "hi". We would start laughing because once again he got me with it. He was born a healthy baby, but got sick at a very young age. The road was long and with alot of pain. Even through all that the Lord blessed me with 30 yrs of his life. The start of 2009 I started to get a bad feeling and could not sleep at night. I told my husband one day that our son would not live past 2009. He said I was wrong, but he was in denial. You see my son Jose lived with us all of his life. My world revolved around him. His illness was taking a toll on him. He knew the Lord was calling him and he only had one wish and that was for us to let him die when the time came. It's what I did. But I tell you it was the hardest thing I have had to do. No matter how much I wanted to keep my son with me, I had to let him go. Deep down I feel like I killed him because I let him go the way he wanted to. There is not a day that I don't cry. I scream till I can't scream no more. I want to wake up from this nightmare and walk into his room and see him playing x-box or something. I have no purpose in my life any more.

The loss of my wonderful son.
by: Anonymous

I too lost my son in December 2010. I lost him on the 11th. He was 33, nearly 34. We talked regularly, but I did not see this coming. He was so strong, and so intelligent that I did not think this was possible. He took his life because he was depressed. I miss one of my best friends, because that is what he was to me.

It has been nearly nine months, and sometimes I feel like I will be okay and then something will happen and I will go right back to that difficult place.

I have another son that helps me through the difficult times, and I thank God for him.

I have a strong faith that I will see him again in Heaven along with my other family members (my parents and a child that died a few days after birth-due to hospital negligence).

God Bless you that you will be healed of this pain and know that you will be with your son one day in Heaven for eternity.

disappeared and suicidal
by: Anonymous

on april 10,2011 my 22 yr.old son who had been suicidal left home and has only been heard from by leaving a message on his cell phone saying it couldnt have happened any other way its just life. for every waking moment i have been crying and pleading to whatever power there may be to find him and keep hitting dead end after dead end. I feel insane dead myself not having him to love and cherish and not knowing but having a strong feeling that he has killed himself .our family has many problems and he had taken a hallucinogenic drug a month before(march 13 and was hospitalized at that time but did not remain on the prescribed medication. missing him and feeling that i have failed him so miserably makes me want to die my loving and selfless son cared deeply for everyone but himself and i have such hostile feelings toward his father for being so demanding on my son during his adolescence.i am frantic and sobbing day and night with no relief in sight.

My beloved Aaron
by: Rhonda

Like you, I too lost my oldest son Aaron on 11/17/2010 to a ruptured aortic aneurysm while he was on the way to pick up his son from school. He was 37 yrs old. In October 2010 he had found out his wife had an affair and that his 2yr old 3rd child was not his at all. He was devastated. He was a devoted father and this tore him to pieces. Aaron was always a devoted son and called me all the time.

This also shocked my husband and me. But he decided to reconcile with his wife. The very day he died he met with her and said "I love you and can't live without you" he died 2 hours later. I can not move forward. Part of me died with him. His wife and his kids live 10 hours from here but I can't bring myself to see her, thus I can't see the grandkids either. This will be a long life without him.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS LIKE WE DO
by: beth

To Marie and all of you who have written,
My son Ryan died on 2-11-11 and reading your words gives me a tiny bit of comfort. I am not alone in my grief because you all truly do understand how I am feeling. When I read my son's obituary and I see the date of his birth and then next to that, the date he died, I can not believe I am living. I shouldn't be here if he is dead, it is a nightmare but I can not awake from it. Last night at 1 am, I drove to my sister's house (a mile away) and I literally fell into my sister's arms and I started screaming and keening. I never understood it when I heard the words "Your child should bury you, not the other way around." Now I have joined the "club" no one can imagine becoming a member of. Do you wonder if you can stand the pain for even another second? No matter how much I cry, there are more tears.

He was my heart
by: Anonymous

I lost my Son 30 days ago after a car accident. He was 9 days away from being 23 years old. He was my best friend. I think about him every second of every day and cry at any given moment. He lived with me and I still keep a light on in his room. I haven't had a good nights sleep since the day the police came to my door. He was 1 mile from home when he hit a tree. I miss him more than anyone in my life could know.

My lovely Dan
by: Anonymous

My Beautiful son Dan died 5 weeks ago aged 32. He was diagnosed with diabetes less than 2 years ago but it was the brittle kind and he veered quickly from one extreme to the other. I went to stay with him for the weekend and there was no answer when I knocked at the door and of course he was dead inside.

The shocking realisation that my lovely boy was dead sent me into an almost Old Testament depiction of extreme pain and sorrow, I rocked and keened and howled. I was taken to a police van and told the awful news by a policewoman, as the door to his flat had to be forced and I was made to stay outside whilst they checked that no crime had been committed.

I feel totally bereft, I look at his photos which are so familiar to me and then I am hit by a force and the shock of the fact he is no longer alive and that I will never see him again hits me.

At this moment I can't imagine ever recovering, he was my first born and we grew up together. I just feel a sense of desperation, a guilt that I am not being there for my younger children and the sense that I am betraying him if I focus on anything else.

I feel angry that he had to inherit diabetes from his father who died at 47, angry at the condition impotent and helpless that I couldn't save him from it-a failure as a mother because he is dead.

We will love our children forever
by: Anonymous

I too lost my son.He was my first born & only son, he was 36yrs. old & completed suicide on 9/20/2010. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There is no pain like the pain of losing a child at any age. What keeps me going is his 3 boys ages 16yrs. 12yrs. & 10yrs. I couldn't bear to put those boys through any more pain. I have a good idea why my son decided to end his life but truly only him & God know the entire reason. I have found my faith again although I still have days I question God & don't want to talk to him but I believe I need to keep my faith so I do not lose my eternal life, I believe I will see my son again.

Thank you
by: Marie

So much for all your input...I am in such a lost place and reaching out to others at least help me know that other parents feel the same way as I do. The unbelief, the sorrow, the helplessness of losing your child. Mom always knows best and can fix things....but not THIS!...I hope to chat more with anyone such as I who is not sure how they can handle what has happened. Every day I awake I curse God for my breath, and that he took my son's away.....this is definitely a road I never expected to take...thanks again for all the well wishes...dmp1954@cox.net

same sad club
by: Shirley

Yes, I too am in this sad club. My son, Dimitri, died from leukemia almost 7 months ago. He was only 23. Several things have been helpful. One, Compassionate Friends. The first meeting was brutal but now I've attended six and I feel so welcomed and safe there. Two, my journal. I can write anything and everything I feel and "get it out of my system". Three, my other children and grandchildren. They keep me going. I don't know how I'd manage without them. Four, this site. It reminds me that my pain is not unique and that what I'm going through is normal grief. I don't want to be here either. I just want this to end but I know I have to keep going. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I don't even recognize the person I am because it is not the person I used to be. All we can do is just take one step, one breath at a time.

My Son Is Gone
by: Brenda Richison

I, too, like you, lost my middle son at age 26 due to suicide July 8,2004. I also was mad at God due to taking MY SON away! I'd go to the cemetary, raise my fist at Him and curse like a sailor. It'll be 7 yrs. this July since I buried him. Why did he do it? Only him and God knows. The "not knowing" in itself is self-torture! I've experienced every emotion known to man-kind. Now I don't cry as much. Don't spend every single moment at the cemetary. I have come a long way, because of this website and all the people who wrote in. I have a sort of "peace" in my heart now.

Oh! Don't get me wrong! It's a long hard battle! I've got a good group meeting for therapy, a good psychiatrist, and medication. I also had to realize all I was doing was hurting him, by being like I was. Someone told me, "Don't keep him earthbound! Let him go!" I thought long and hard about that and realized that I may be doing that. He wouldn't have wanted to see me in the shape I was in. So, I threw him a kiss and told him I'd see him again someday. I let go...Thanks for listening to my comment. I wrote in here also- Clayton "CHUNK" Richison.May the Lord look down onto you and ease your pain...brichison1@yahoo.com Thank you, Brenda Richison

our children
by: Rhonda

Our children are in heaven now. I still struggle with the fact my 24 year old daughter is gone... I ache for her every day, as I know you do for your son.. I secretly beg'd god to take me home to be with her at the time.. But I could not bear the thought of my son losing me as well.. I was a single parent and had a great relationship with my daughter, for that I am so grateful... She always told me 'mom have faith, everything happens just the way god had planned' I try to remember all her strength, and wisdom for such a young woman... She was a gift from god to me.. And for that I was eternally blessed... Its been 1 year and 2 months.. I will always miss her and share your pain..

understand
by: kay

I too lost my son last year and feel what you feel. I have a daughter and grand children who come to stay overnight sometimes. Those times when I am alone I am so sad and in so much pain I miss my son so terribly. You have been through such a lot. I am thinking of you and sending you my deepest love. We share a pain so shocking and so real I believe it will forever be with us. I adored my son as did you adore your son, we can only go on from day to day. At times I think I am still in denial because when I look at my sons photos I cant believe what has happened. Just know I am thinking of you .xxxxxxxxxx

We Must Go On
by: TrishJ

It's hard, it's next to impossible. You drag yourself out of bed every day feeling as if your soul has been turned inside out. Your heart feels bruised. My son is the constant force in my life right now helping me through grieving for my husband (December 3, 2010). My daughter is having such a difficult time she won't discuss her dad with anyone.

You have really been given more grief than the average person ever experiences in such a short time frame. I think, after losing my husband, if I were to lose one of my children or grandchildren I would probably not recover from that. Some of us are stronger than others.

My husband's friend lost his son in Iraq 4 years ago. When he called me to offer his condolences he told me he belongs to a group called "Compassionate Friends." They are nationwide and deal with the loss of a child of all ages. He told me this group has saved his life and allowed him to go on living.

Thirty seven is so young. My son just turned 36. He too is an electrician.
You can't (and shouldn't) do this alone. There is a lot of wonderful help available.
I will pray for your son and mine. I will especially pray for you. You need God to help you through his. Blessings to you.

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My son is gone

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My son is gone