My son Jerry 8/7/1974

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My son Jerry 8/7/1974 - 9/20/2010

by Patricia Foster
(Florida)

My son was 36 yrs old, he died of suicide. The pain I feel is beyond anything I can describe. It's feels like my heart has been wrenched out of me. I don't think anything else could hurt more than this. I miss him so much. He had a troubled life this past year, seems like everything went wrong for him and he just could not handle any more. He told me one time that he talked to me about his problems because I was mom and mom's can fix things. I just couldn't fix it for him. I pray he has found the peace he so longed for. I'm not sure if I'll ever have peace again. The one thing I know for sure, his death has changed me forever, I will never be the same, a big part of me went with him. Pat

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My son Jerry 8/7/1974 - 9/20/2010

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a mother's grief understood
by: gloria

To lose an adult child through suicide, drug overdose..............is a sadness all mothers have shared as words fail and time doesn't necessarily heal. I wanted things to be so different for Jay and it seems we didn't get to say goodbye. Life is short and I still can't get the pictures out or even look at the many kind cards sent by caring friends. I know God knows my grief and count his presence never absent in my life. I cast myself in his unfailing love through Jesus our Lord.

Mel 29/3/1974-16/4/2010
by: Moira

Hi Patricia
My daughter and only child was 36 and died from an overdose on 16th April 2010. She was born in 1974 the same year as your son, Jerry.

My life cannot be the same, because time stopped still that day and I went into a huge fog that took months to come out of. I work, I talk, I do my job, sometimes to the point of exhaustion so I don't have to go home to an empty home, but then I find when I'm at home that I want to curl up in a ball, go to sleep and shut the world out. Sometimes I even laugh, but inside my heart is empty.

We were like red rag to a bull a lot of the time, argued, boy we had some fights! stupid arguments really but we were both stubborn as bulls and had to have the last word! We laughed, teased, and loved each other despite our differences. She lived a life filled with pain and depression due to many factors and from which my family and I could never quite lift her back up to a sense of balance. I found it difficult to imagine, she went into areas that I don't dare think about.

I hope she's found peace, I pray that those of my family that have passed over have taken her into their arms and are loving her. We know at the end she realised she had gone too far and tried to get help, but heartbreakingly, it was too late. I'd give anything to have her back. We loved Christmas, especially Xmas Eve when we watched "Love Actually", in our jammies and opened one present - "just one, Mum". She was a kid in so many ways.

I have put up a small Xmas tree in her honour because I know that is what she would want - not for me to grieve and feel sad, but to go on as best I can, so that's what I'm going to do, with the love and support of my family and friends.

I hope, Patricia, you find some comfort over the next few weeks in what has to be one of those "firsts" we all have to go through and with time I pray it will get easier.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself cry, grieve, and remember. Talk about Jerry, don't allow his name to be spoken in a whisper, he was your son, he was your world, and he still is, just in a different dimension.

God Bless. Moira

Feeling Empty
by: Anonymous

Dear Kim,
I believe as a woman & a mom we feel a different pain than the dad's. My husband has yet to cry, he is still in denial but spends more worrying about me. He has made a similar comment to me & I also told him I will never be the same. Thanksgiving is in a few days, Christmas is around the corner these days will never be the same because part of my family is missing. I hate the thought that I will be putting a potted Christmas on my sons grave this year & every year from now on, he belongs here with me, his 3 boys & brother & sisters. I'm suppose to racking my brains to figure out what to buy him for Christmas. For the friends & family waiting for us to be back to our selves, it's not going to happen; this is the new us, like it or not. God Bless you & all the rest of us that lost a child.

Sons
by: Kim

I too lost my son to suicide on 3/17/10. His birthday was 3/10/10 and he had just turned 28 years old. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I think of him and wonder why. I often ask myself why couldn't I save him this time. My life and world has changed since the lost of my son. I cry a lot and just can't seem to get things together, especially at home. My husband said to me last night "you have changed in the last few months, I want the old you back" I don't think the old me will ever come back, there is no pain like losing a child. I am so sorry for your loss and understand what you are going through.

Grief is hard work
by: Anonymous

Dear Pat,

I am so sorry that you lost your wonderful son to suicide. It is horrible pain, the worst. I, too, know of this pain. My son ended his life 5 years ago and I still ache. I always will. Grief is hard work, but we must let it come and go within us. Let the tears pour out and God saves them all. I didn't think I could live one more day and only by God's grace, am I alive today. He knows your pain, Pat. He provides the comfort we seek. I would like to share more openly with you on my email if you would like to contact me at "impossiblejoy@yahoo.com. God gave mothers hearts to love deeply and we have common grief. I can share with you what it has been like over the past years. Blessings, Gracie.

Day by day
by: Ms Mack

Pat,

I lost the love of my life to an accidental type suicide and I know your pain is very deep. The world is upside down and this type of death is confusing, overwhelming sadness, and leaves those behind marked for life. Some days I don't think I can make it one more step but I keep trying.
Why did this happen, all the questions still unanswered. We blame ourselves because we were blinded by this mysterious illness, sadness beyond our control.

One day, we may understand, but for now, hold on to your prayers and the loved ones around you. Give your heart a chance to recuperate from inside out. Be patient, cry, grieve and try your damndest to gain strength. Continue to write, we hear you and know you are not alone. One day, you will understand but for now, just do your very best and we will be here for you.

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My son Jerry 8/7/1974 - 9/20/2010

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My son Jerry 8/7/1974 - 9/20/2010