My Son, my friend, my life in pieces.

by Trudi
(Bordeaux, France)


On November 13th my 29 year old son Joshua, who would have been 30 on Christmas Eve, had a fatal motorbike accident. He was a gentle and loving young man with a heart of gold and a oneness with nature and plants.

My life is broken, in pieces, he was my soulmate and friend as well as being my first born child.
He said goodbye mum on Saturday 12th November and the next time I saw him was on the Sunday 13. His body was cold, his face expressionless, his lips white. I held his hand and tried to make it warm, I whispered to him, I kissed him and held him.
I remember that image so strongly. I want to remember him alive, but I just seem to keep reliving those last few seconds when he knew he was going to die, what went on in his mind - what fear could he have experienced. I couldn't have done anything if I had been there, yet I feel I let him down. A mother's job is to protect her children.

It is a terrible end to a year, and the New Year I do not want, I want the clocks to go back to when my family was together, whole and happy.
Trudi

Comments for My Son, my friend, my life in pieces.

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Jan 06, 2012
A quote
by: Anonymous

Holley Gerth, author writes: When I asked a friend how she was doing four years after the sudden death of her husband, she said, "I feel I am healing. Tears tend to burn my eyes rather than pour down my face. To me, that is a measure of healing." Grief is a process that takes a lifetime. God has promised that He will wipe away all tears in heaven (Rev. 7:17), but until then the healing will be incomplete.

Jan 05, 2012
A Mother's Grief
by: Anonymous

Dear Friends,

I feel like I know you, but we've never met. Each time I visit, there is a new name to add to my list of friends, but I wish it weren't so. I, too, would turn back time to smiling, jelly-covered faces without a care in the world. Time has changed all that. Grown-up smiles hid pain of which I knew nothing, but at times suspected something. If I could turn back time, I would do more, say more, hug more, never speak crossly and never get tired! We all worry about our kids. We love them into adulthood, but we can't live their lives and we can't keep them alive. Mine died by his choice. Horrible pain! I hated seeing him in a casket! Hated it! I wanted him awake, alive! Hugs and kisses would serve me little now and he would know nothing of them. I would have looked foolish if I had tried to crawl in beside him and hold him. Why, oh why? I tear up just writing these words and it has been 6 years; a lifetime ago. For you, maybe just days or months. No matter. We will carry our beloved, lost child inside our hearts until they stop beating. Perhaps I can share moments with you and talk about getting from here to there. Others move on. Traffic moves about us and we wonder how they cannot know our suffering! I get that. Been there. Even if you don't feel like it, come and sit awhile on my front porch and let's talk. We have many words that others are tired of listening to or don't want to hear at all. Been there. Live there. God has given me new friends to replace those who have moved on. He's given me words to write and publish. But it doesn't happen in a day. It takes time. Be good to yourself. Pray for peace. Pray for comfort. It's all there for the taking. Blessings. GT You may write me at impossiblejoy@yahoo.com. Joy IS possible again!

Jan 03, 2012
No Tears
by: Trudi

Thank you Carol and Cynthia - both hurting as much as me - I can't believe the pain ever going away - like you say I think we learn to live with it that's all. Driving to work listening to James Blunt - "No tears for Me", I hear the voice of my son saying those words, but he would have cried for me. Sometimes when I see the whole world 'just carrying on' I want to scream and say "Don't you know I have just lost my son?" I sometimes think the whole world should stop turning
Hurting, crying, but learning every day.
Trudi

Jan 02, 2012
I know your pain
by: Cynthia

I lost my son suddenly without warning 8 months ago. He was my best friend, my baby, the best hugger ever. I miss him every minute of everyday. I was able to spend a few hours with him after he passed, I layed by his side and rubbed his forehead and stroked his hair and just could not believe he was gone from my life.
I cry everyday for him losing his life and for me losing my son. I have lost my parents and some close friends but nothing even comes close to the grief a mother has when we lose one of our children. We will never get over the loss or get better as some put it. We have to struggle to get through each day and learn to evolve into a new way of living. I can now function and go out and do what I need to do and put on the happy face for whomever I have to face, but behind closed doors I let out me pain and devastation and try to figure out how to get through each day. I have been told by other moms who have lost a child that in time you will have good moments and be able to remember the good moments with your child. I hope to find some peace within myself and to accept what we cannot change. Take care of yourself and just get through one day at a time. Cynthia

Jan 02, 2012
November 13th
by: carol,seans mom

Trudi,I am so sorry for your loss. My first born,Sean went to sleep sunday november 13th in the afternoon because he was working the overnight shift that night. I had talked to him in the morning. He was excited about going to New England Tech the next day to be tested for class placement in January. Sean could not be woken up. Our worst nightmare began. He was the oldest of three children and our only son. Techniclly he died november 15th but I say the thirteenth because I never talked to him again after that morning. I know your pain and I wish there was a way to go back in time. I think like that often. I use to feel so lucky and I love being a mom to each of my children. My heart is broken and has a huge hole in it. Some how they say we will get threw this,only time will tell. I wish you the best and for the new year I am only looking for peace.

Jan 02, 2012
Thanks
by: Trudi

Thank you TrishJ for your tender words, and yes life must go on but it's just so hard

Jan 02, 2012
Life in Pieces
by: TrishJ

Trudi~
Unfortunately, we can't turn back the days. Life moves forward. I'm still a bit stuck since the death of my husband 13 months ago. I'm too young to be a widow but I must live with the hand I've been dealt. I too kept reliving that horrible last day. The last hour, the last few minutes before all the life went out of his body. I miss him so.

I know you miss your son. Of course you feel like there is something you should have or could have done. Don't be hard on yourself. There was nothing you could do. Your son knows that you love him. Keep his memory alive and make him proud of his mother. It hurts but it does get better. Actually I believe it gets easier to remember the good times without experiencing that soul wrenching pain.
God bless. I hope you find some joy in your day.

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