My Son, my friend, my life in pieces.
On November 13th my 29 year old son Joshua, who would have been 30 on Christmas Eve, had a fatal motorbike accident. He was a gentle and loving young man with a heart of gold and a oneness with nature and plants.
My life is broken, in pieces, he was my soulmate and friend as well as being my first born child.
He said goodbye mum on Saturday 12th November and the next time I saw him was on the Sunday 13. His body was cold, his face expressionless, his lips white. I held his hand and tried to make it warm, I whispered to him, I kissed him and held him.
I remember that image so strongly. I want to remember him alive, but I just seem to keep reliving those last few seconds when he knew he was going to die, what went on in his mind - what fear could he have experienced. I couldn't have done anything if I had been there, yet I feel I let him down. A mother's job is to protect her children.
It is a terrible end to a year, and the New Year I do not want, I want the clocks to go back to when my family was together, whole and happy.