by Brenda Richison
(Bowie, Tx. U.S.)
The phone woke me up at 4 a.m. It was my Mom telling me that my 26 yr. old son had been shot. I ran out the door, got in the car with my sister. That's when she told me "Your son is dead!" I cried "NO!", but when I ran in the house and saw my Mom crying uncontrollably I knew it was true! I didn't sleep, eat, or talk. I listened to everyone talk about it, but I didn't say anything. I tried to get anyone to take me to him, but they said he was already in Dallas getting an autopsy done.
I never got to see him till the viewing. We went to the funeral chapel and I remember thinking why can't I go first instead of the wife? As I looked down on my son's young face, I tried to kiss his lips, but he was up too high. I tried to put my hand under his head to turn him towards me, but his body was stiff! I kissed my fingers and touched his lips over and over. I wanted to go with him! God take me instead! But I knew my Mom and boys couldn't handle both of us being gone, so I decided I'd do it another time.
I had no tears left to cry. I was in shock. Denial. It's been 6 yrs. this July 8th, since that day my son died. A 9mm. pistol of his took his life! This small Texan town's cops say it was suicide, but deep inside I feel he was murdered! All his friends think so, too. His wife and two children hardly ever come over and now she moved them far away from me. She said she'd bring them back to see us, but I don't know.
I wanted to reopen the case, but my family said to leave it alone. Now I wish I hadn't of listened to them. Nights are the longest. I cry to myself, so no one will know. I visit his grave often and cry uncontrollably also. I curse God for taking him! Then beg for forgiveness. I am a shell that exists on earth.
My boys say "Mom you have two more sons!"I put on a smile and greet them with arms wide open! I go through each day with a fake smile and laugh. I wish I could be me just for one day and cry till I can't cry any more! Then maybe I can get by till it's my time! And I'll go gracefully! Oh! Lord! Take me now! Let me find my boy! Let me give him that kiss! Hold him in my arms! Please Lord! Take care of my boy till I get there!