My Son

by Brenda Richison
(Bowie, Tx. U.S.)

The phone woke me up at 4 a.m. It was my Mom telling me that my 26 yr. old son had been shot. I ran out the door, got in the car with my sister. That's when she told me "Your son is dead!" I cried "NO!", but when I ran in the house and saw my Mom crying uncontrollably I knew it was true! I didn't sleep, eat, or talk. I listened to everyone talk about it, but I didn't say anything. I tried to get anyone to take me to him, but they said he was already in Dallas getting an autopsy done.

I never got to see him till the viewing. We went to the funeral chapel and I remember thinking why can't I go first instead of the wife? As I looked down on my son's young face, I tried to kiss his lips, but he was up too high. I tried to put my hand under his head to turn him towards me, but his body was stiff! I kissed my fingers and touched his lips over and over. I wanted to go with him! God take me instead! But I knew my Mom and boys couldn't handle both of us being gone, so I decided I'd do it another time.

I had no tears left to cry. I was in shock. Denial. It's been 6 yrs. this July 8th, since that day my son died. A 9mm. pistol of his took his life! This small Texan town's cops say it was suicide, but deep inside I feel he was murdered! All his friends think so, too. His wife and two children hardly ever come over and now she moved them far away from me. She said she'd bring them back to see us, but I don't know.

I wanted to reopen the case, but my family said to leave it alone. Now I wish I hadn't of listened to them. Nights are the longest. I cry to myself, so no one will know. I visit his grave often and cry uncontrollably also. I curse God for taking him! Then beg for forgiveness. I am a shell that exists on earth.

My boys say "Mom you have two more sons!"I put on a smile and greet them with arms wide open! I go through each day with a fake smile and laugh. I wish I could be me just for one day and cry till I can't cry any more! Then maybe I can get by till it's my time! And I'll go gracefully! Oh! Lord! Take me now! Let me find my boy! Let me give him that kiss! Hold him in my arms! Please Lord! Take care of my boy till I get there!

Comments for My Son

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Sep 18, 2011
i will miss you tony
by: brenda swanson Anonymous

son was 21 years old when he went to prison he did 14 years and i always had hope that he would come someday but all my hopes and dreams waiting for my baby my only begotten son have all been taken away from me he passed away in his jail cell sat.sept

10.2011 he died on his favorite aunties birthday she also passed away me and his big sister teresa buried him on his 36 birthday sept.16 2011 yes my baby did get out of prison its really sad it had to be in a box but he is free now for ever i cant really question it all i can is try to live with it the best i can so all i can say is god please care of baby for me and i hope iwill see him agan

Dec 06, 2010
I lost my son
by: Kathy

I lost my adult son, Todd, in November of 2009 so about 13 months ago. I can't believe he is gone and can't say out loud that he is dead, or has died. He was killed in a car accident. Thanks for sharing your stories because I thought there was something wrong with me because I don't believe he's gone. Everyone thinks I should be doing better than I am, so I pretend that things are okay and i have no one to talk to.

My husband, his father, has never been supportive and still isn't. I have 3 other children and 2 of them aren't doing well either one is Todd's twin. But no one wants to talk about Todd and they get angry with me if I even ask them how they are doing. It still hurts so bad and I just want to die too. I guess I'm somewhat normal after all.

Sep 02, 2010
Adam Crouch
by: Anonymous

Today is my nephews 22nd Birthday. He would have been celebrating it with us here, instead we have his ashes. He was only 21 years old, shot in the back of the head. Still an unsolved murder, but we don't even think anyone's looking for the person responsible for it.

I did get to see Adam before he was cremated. He was cold and his skin was darker. You could see the bullet wound in the back of his head that had slightly been stitched so his family could say goodbye. His father has worn a tee shirt every day since December 15, 2009 with Adam's picture on it. Asking for people to remember him.

I understand your pain, he was just like my own son. Never would you ever hang up a phone call or leave his sight without him saying "I Love You". I hope your grieving gets easier as the years go by and pray for you that you know he's in a better place.

God Bless
Becky in Indiana

Jul 19, 2010
Our Sons
by: Rick

Thank you Brenda for your comment on my son.. That was very thoughtful of you.. I too wish you Gods speed to recovery... I am having a very hard time with this as I am sure you are.. This is not something that one gets over anytime soon. So, we just have to keep good thoughts of our sons and cry when you need to..

Jul 12, 2010
I know
by: valerie o

Thank you for sharing your experience and decisions. I was told that we don't make mistakes in our grieving. We made choices about burial, cremation, viewings, memorials that just are. Be kind to yourself.

My son was shot and killed last year by a stranger. The story was he attacked someone who happened to have a loaded, holstered gun on him. The man shot my son twice. I'll never know what happened. I guess I really hold onto the belief that either it doesn't matter or I will have answers one day. I can be patient for death.

In my wait, I just act as if I am okay. I smile and keep my feelings to myself. I have a few friends I can talk with. Not many people say his name. That breaks my heart.

It's comforting to know I am not the only one to make decisions like letting it go for now. Obviously, we are survivors. I think it will be revealed to us and our souls will be soothed.

Thank you for sharing. I needed it.

Jun 27, 2010
Thank You
by: Brenda Richison

Thank you for sharing your story with me and feeling my grief. May God make it easier for both of us. Thanks again. Brenda Richison

Jun 12, 2010
I am so sorry.
by: Anonymous

My prayers are with you. I, too, have trouble coming to terms with my daughter's death almost five years ago. I thought I could not want to see my 24-year-old Annie dead, so I didn't. I buried her ashes without every holding her hands, kissing her forehead, or stroking her hair. I wish I had flown her body back home and held her--regardless of her condition. I think others contributed to Annie's death. But knowing that God is the Judge, I decided not to insist on an investigation.

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