My Son

by David
(SC)

Four weeks ago, my wife and I buried our 17 year old son. He died on Easter Sunday and our lives have been shattered by this loss. It happened so suddenly - on Good Friday, he was sick -throwing up & fever. We all thought it was the flu. On Saturday, he complained about shortness of breath - we went to the ER - they found pneumonia. After moving to ICU, my son crashed - CPR was done to get his heart started. It turns out that my son had sepsis - caused by strep throat. On Easter Sunday, my son passed away.

Our son was brillant - he had been accepted to Duke University and was an Eagle Scout. He had his whole life ahead of him and for this to happen, is just simply uncomprehendable. My wife and I are devastated and we have a huge empty space. We are a very private family and do not want to go to counseling. We have a 12 year old son and he is doing the best of the three of us. This is the worst possible feeling and we just do not understand. I do not want to hear about "God's will" or "God's Plan" because this is simply not right. We taught our son morals, ethics, and character so that he would be a successful young man.

We cry. We hurt. And we are having such a difficult time. We know that we need to be strong for our 12 year old. Going to work is hard - when I am driving, I think about my son. We could not stand the thought of putting our son in the cold dark ground, so he is in a crypt. We visit him almost every day and bring him fresh cut flowers. This is so hard. Easter no longer has a rejoiceful meaning in our lives.

Comments for My Son

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Feb 04, 2014
loss of my 16 yr old son
by: michelle

I am sorry for your loss I lost my 16 YR OLD 9 days after his birthday four weeks ago he was on his bike and was struck by a vehicle hit and run I rushed to the hospital to be with him they tried everything they could but he suffered brain death and more trauma along with it I do not know how to live without him the pain is unbearable I have questions anger and sadness all at the same time everyday I wake up without him and think the person that did this is going on w their life I can't wait till the day they catch him or her the only thing keeping me alive is my other two boys 18 and 9 and the faith that my son is in a beautiful place and I long to see him again.

Oct 02, 2013
Our son
by: Cindy and Doron

We are so sorry for the loss of your son. We lost our 17 yr old son, Ethan, on Aug. 28, 2013, 5 weeks ago today. He came home from school on Thursday Aug 22 with a fever but no other symptoms. He felt fine Friday and went to school. Over the weekend the fever went up and down so I took him to the doctor on Monday. She sent us home, suspecting mono, but he started feeling weak with shortness of breath. We went to the ER Monday afternoon, he was admitted to ICU and he was gone by Wednesday. Diagnosis was sepsis from a staph infection secondary to immunodeficiency secondary to leukemia, which was first diagnosed 5 hours before he died. We are devastated and do not how to do this, how to live our lives without our Ethan. He has a 21 yr old sister who is devastated as well and needs her parents. Can you please tell us how we are supposed to do this? Ethan was a wonderful son, brother and friend. We are lost.

Jun 27, 2013
Jane mother of Travis
by: Doreen U.K.

Jane I am sorry for your loss of your son. The most painful experience a mom will ever go through. Just like you feel ANGRY WITH GOD. I did also. God can absorb our anger against Him because of our humanity. The ache in the heart and the pain of loss is indescribable. We all know here on this site how bad it is. There is no medication for this pain. My sister lost her son 7 yrs. ago and would always say to me. Jesus died but God got him back after 3 days when He rose again but I won't get my son back. He is gone forever. This was the level of her pain. I had a strong faith which got me through a tough life and how this was tested to breaking point. I prayed for a miracle I didn't get for my husband to be healed from cancer. I watched over him waiting for him to rise up like all the books on healing I read. But he drew his last breath 14 months ago. I feel so crushed and ambivalent towards healing. But I can't cancel God out of my life because He is all I have got. He got me through this miserable life and I will see my Faith through to the end. I also felt that I would have my husband forever. I felt Blessed then let down by God. Grief feels like an eternity of suffering without our loved one. I often feel so hurt and let down. My husband had to work all over our country and the world for 47yrs. I could have given up but got on with rearing our 3 children and taking them to church and giving them good morals. I missed my husband and we didn't have the quality of time together. This was to come. He gets to retirement and then dies of a painful deadly cancer. A long slow painful death. I put up with the lonely days of a man working for 47yrs. for his family. Now I have to do this retirement on my own. I still feel let down. Can't help it. It is part of my grief and I am not fighting against it. Life is so unfair. I can't do the "it was God's Will?" " God took him it was his time to Go?" etc. says Who? How do these people know it was his time to go? They must have a hotline to God. Forgive me being cynical. I have these days every now and then. Just thought I would like to let you know you are not alone here. But yet we are all ALONE with our own LOSS FOREVER. Don't give up Hope. This is all we Have.

Jun 26, 2013
I have the same WHY in my heart as you
by: Jane Travis's Mom

Dear David,
I know you have alot of people writing to you and believe me it is a big help. My son has only been gone for 4 weeks, he too had good morals and he he was raised to have manners respect for others and he had wonderful qualities within himself. I was a person with a strong faith and I believed God existed up until the day or actually even the second before my son died, after that, noooo wayyyy, how could God allow such a tragedy to occur, in my mind I always felt my family was exempt from this sort of horrific loss, and how parents always say how "kids think they are invincible" we too tend to think that somewhat. I know your sons death wasn't a motorocycle or car accident and your questioning on WHY this happened is never ending. Here you are, you take your son to the hospital, your doing the right thing, doctors are seeing after him, your doing the right thing, medicine is being given and everything is being done that can be done, and still your doing the right thing...... Your son passes and why?? You were doing everything you could do for him, why did he go? That question will never go away, and I totally understand how you feel about not wanting to hear "it was gods will" or "it was your sons time and god needed another angel up in heaven" pardon me for saying this but "that's just selfish of GOD and He doesn't belong to you, atleast NOT YET!!" That's exactly how I felt and I was angry and I'm still angry!! I also dreaded having to put my son into the ground, it makes me sick to even think about that. To sum it all up in 1 sentence is "We as parents are NOT supposed to survive our children, they are supposed to survive us!!" Nothing will ever make me see that differently and I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and like I said on my 1st post to another grieving parent, I do pray even though my faith has been tested to its extreme, mainly because if my maker is listening he will help bring me some sort of comfort 1 day, I know we all deserve that and it's the least he could do for taking from me what was my life, my son.

Take care and I'm thinking of you and your family and hoping for better days ahead for you
Jane Travis's Mom

May 06, 2013
loss of a son
by: Anonymous

I too am a private person. I lost my 39 year old son and best friend a year and half ago. I couldn't function for months but still went to work like a zombie. I finally went to a grief counselor who has helped a lot. We will never be the same and no one will understand unless they have gone thru it. The pain will be there forever.

May 05, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I completely understand your feelings. I lost my oldest son 5 months ago and do not know how I have endured thus far .i was shattered devastated sorrow ridden and in pain. Shocked and not accepting that this could be. I am only better at the grief that is all. Daily I felt tortured by the feelings,now they are not as strong as the start but they are still alive. I struggle each day. I go on for my other children who sorrow his loss too. Take one day at a time.They will not be easy days and the why why why will come forth often,it is not understandable. This site has helped me cry,speak,sorrow and find others who know what I feel do to being on the same mourning bench.i am so very sorry for your loss. No one can understand it unless they have had it happen. It is something you wish for no one.
My heart goes out to you in this writing. The grief overwhelms everything in the beginning. Each day we awake with the loss and somehow go on.

May 05, 2013
Your son
by: Lynne

David, I am crying after reading your post. The same thing that happened to your son happened to my 29 year old daughter almost a year and a half ago.
I know the shock, disbelief and horror that you and your wife are going through right now. It should never have happened to you or to me or to any parent. The heartbreak is that it did.

I understand how private grief is and how alone you feel. It is a terrible walk that you must make, but I encourage you to reach out and find support somewhere..either through friends, family, a bereaved parents group or a counselor.

Also, please don't assume that your 12 year old is okay, because believe me, he is NOT. If nothing else encourage him to talk to someone even if he's not ready yet.

My heart breaks for you because I know the path your life has unexpectedly taken. Please let me know if you would like to email by posting here. All the parents on this site grieve with you and understand your anger and heartbreak.

May 03, 2013
my son
by: may perez

I AM SO SORRY ,BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU HAVE HAPPENED
TO ME UNTIMELY DEATH OF MY SON WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE TO
ME UP TO THIS DAY. HE WAS FORTY,AND LEFT A WIFE AND FOUR
CHILDREN. I ALSO CRY EVERY DAY UP TILL NOW AND I FELT THIS ANGER WHY MY SON GOD, HE WAS HEALTHY AND A BODY BUILDER
I VISIT MY SON EVERY TILL DAY TILL THIS DAY AND I PRAY FOR
HIM AND TALK TO HIM OR I'LL LOSE MY SANITY. SO PLEASE YOU CAN CRY EVERY DAY OR MINUTE IT'S OK, PLEASE DON'T HOLD IN YOUR FEELINGS, YOU CAN GET ANGRY TOO, IT'S OK, IF ONLY I COULD HOLD YOUR HAND AND TELL YOU TO GRIEVE EVERY DAY
BECAUSE UP TILL NOW I MYSELF I AM STILL GRIEVING, BUT I FEEL
BETTER WHEN I LET OUT MY SAD FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS..I TRULY SHARE YOUR PAIN, I FELT LIKE I DIED WITH MY THE DAY
HE WAS PRONOUNCE DEAD. SO PLEASE TRY TO BE STRONG FOR NOW AND DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT TO DO TO EASE YOUR PAIN
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

May 03, 2013
My Son
by: Doreen U.K.

David I am so sorry for you and your wife's loss of a young son to a sudden death. I am sorry for your other son's loss of a brother.
I respect your right to not want counselling when you are such a close knit and private family. It can feel intimidating.
I understand the family dynamics of how counselling can benefit a family when in grief. For me it was the BEST investment I made in getting my life back. I wanted to be a grief counsellor and then went into hospital and missed the training.
I lost my husband 1yr. ago on Sunday 5th May. Didn't think that one day I may need to use this service. Like you I am trying not to use a counsellor. I have done this. Been Healed. Moved forward. But life has dealt me such a cruel blow by taking my husband of 44yrs. Life throws us such tragedies and we never know how to get through this. Counselling is not for everyone. But just to let you know that Counsellors have to go through rigid counselling themselves and have to be supervised regularly otherwise they could not work with their clients.
My suggestion to you would be to TALK and not keep your grief locked up. Talk openly within your close knit family. This is what is going to get you all through this loss. Keep a journal. Write out all your feelings and thoughts about your loss of your son and what this has done to your family. Write letter's to your son in this journal. It is your Private thoughts. This is a very private and therapeutic way of coping with the loss of a loved one. Your wife and son can also keep their own journals. As each of you can express your own thoughts and pain of your loss. To lose a Child is very CRUSHING/UNBEARABLE. I feel your sorrow.
I know that we are all going to die one day. But I do feel some people die prematurely. I don't know why? I am a Christian. But I still question God Why? was my husband not healed from his deadly cancer? I feel crushed. I am told by my family that it was my husband's time to die? says Who? Do they really know? Do they really know it was God's Will? I feel hurt by my loss.
I want you to know that only TIME will HEAL our BROKEN HEARTS. Some people will offer nice trite comments and remarks that won't help you. Just ignore them. They mean well. Many people will want to support you, but don't know what to say to you. They may avoid you and your family at a time when you need them. You may feel they don't care.
The best remark I had was from my sister. She said. "I don't really know what it feels like to be where you are." "But I want you to know that I am here for you" This I find very healing, kind and supportive. Your family has been hurt by Death in the worst way possible. May God reach out and bring you all the Comfort, Strength, and Hope to get you through your deep Pain, Sorrow, and Grief from the loss of your son.

May 03, 2013
My son
by: Sheryl

I am so sorry for loss and I completely understand the emotions you have. It is not Gods will and he is not in a better place. He should be with you, I know! My husband and I have the same emotions. We lost our beautiful 22 year old daughter suddenly on July 5. 4th of July was her last day alive. She had graduated college 2 months earlier, got a job and moved to a new location. She was so happy. She had spent the 4th with her friends just hanging out. She was fine. She went to bed and never woke up the next day. Autopsy, toxicology tests and tissue samples revealed nothing. No cause. We are still hurting so bad, but we find diversions to help us get through each day. It's difficult to read, watch tv, listen to music, shop. Everything reminds me of of my baby. (The Mother's Day commercials are the worst right now) She was cheated. she worked so hard to achieve what she did and wasnt able to see the rewards. We are close to a year since and I can't believe I made it this far and it sometimes doesnt seem real. What has truly helped is letting friends be there for you. Talk about your son. It's hard, but it does help. We are lucky that we have some very good friends. We didn't realize how good they were until this happened. You are in my thoughts.

May 03, 2013
My prayers are with you
by: Grieving daughter

Dear David, I wept when I read your post for your beloved son David.

My mother died unexpectantly, of a hospital aquired sepsis. I am walking around shocked, and grieving - she was all I had.

I am a private person too so understand your reluctance you have in seeing a counsellor. I do hope there is somebody however that you can share your grief with - a religious minister, friend, or perhaps a support group for bereaved parents, where every person can truly empathise with your loss and the huge shock you and your family have to endure.

You must have been devoted parents to have raised such a wonderful boy. I hope your cherished memories will in time give you some strengh.

Thinking of you. Grieving daughter

May 03, 2013
I get it
by: Molly

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of another wonderful, brilliant, and caring child. I too loss my son, he was just 16 and went to basketball camp he just collapsed and died. He was far away from me and I had to wait for his body to be flown back to me. That was almost 2 years ago now my son Quinn was wonderful, loving, smart and had a heart of gold. I am also fed up of hearing about Gods plan etc and the list goes on...people just have no clue about this type of pain. Really there are no words that can ever explain this loss, everyday we get up and the big show begins and we try to be strong and capable for everyone and yet we are just so shattered inside it's simply unbelievable the pain we are feeling. I am private too but I have tried groups that are just for parents that have loss their child, it will never be the cure but at least when you go there you don't feel so alone in this pain, you realize that others have been through this and also that they speak your language of pain. I know it's not a group anyone wants to be a part of but it does serve the purpose of not completely falling apart. Yes life does go on even if we don't want it to and we have changed so much and others can't see it, they won't ever see it but we know how we have changed. This will be forever and nothing anyone can tell me well change my view on this. I know that in time the pain will not be as intense but I know it will never leave and this is so hard to think that for the rest of my life I will have this loss and this pain. Why did this happen to such wonderful children, we will never know and we have no choice but to accept it or leave this world. All I can say to you is to accept your grief and talk to anyone good enough to listen and support you. I like to write, maybe you can do that too, read books, poetry and keep busy because there is no cure for this pain that I don't even believe that will heal it time all there is, is acceptance and coping. I wish you anything you need to cope and you can email me if you want to chat via email meme_68@hotmail.com.

May 03, 2013
Dear David,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so very sorry for your loss. My fiance' (Frank) also died of sepsis. I have since read that this is often a hospital born infection. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia in June and went back in July with sepsis. He died 10 weeks later. Had your son been ill prior to entering the hospital? Sepsis can be caused by an infection in almost any part of the body, even a small scratch. Did the doctors find a source for your son's infection? In Frank's case, they determined it came from his lungs. That's why I think he got it in the hospital. By the time he left the hospital in June, he was doing much better, but he had a lingering cough and never really seemed to regain his strength. Hospitalized patients are more prone to getting sepsis because of any tubes in the body, such as IV's or catheters. Diabetics are also more prone. Patients taking too many antibiotics are also more prone. After awhile, there is no antibiotic that will kill the infections the body contracts. The body becomes ammune to all of them.

I know none of this helps, but educating myself about sepsis has helped me. Prior to Frank's illness, I had never heard of it.

I can tell you are in extreme pain with your grief. I can also understand not wanting to see a counselor. Remember, however, that counselors are required by law to keep everything you talk about confidential, unless you sign a release. Grief support groups are also very helpful. Everyone in the group is going through the same thing. You can just sit and listen and when you are comfortable, you can talk. All emotions are acceptable. I went to such a group and found it very helpful. The group members were very supportive. Since you are all dealing with the pain of this loss, your entire family could go to the group together. It could be a way of healing for all of you.

You are still in a state of shock, denial, and anger. Grief should not be tackled alone. You must share it and face it to get it out or it will eat you alive. It can lead to serious depression. I also suggest reading about grief. Helping you understand it will help you decide how to deal with it.

Local hospice agencies, churches, and hospitals all have grief support groups and good resources too. You have experienced a horrible tragedy. I hope you will seek help soon. Your mention of needing to be strong for younger son has me concerned. Grief is not about being strong. It is about facing your loss and figuring out how to live with it. There are also a few internet websites that will allow you to connect (by Skype or webcam) with a grief counselor or coach. Just search by googling.

I hope you and your family will get help soon. Trying to be strong is like not dealing with your pain. To move forward, you must work THROUGH the pain, just like recovering from an illness, injury, or broken bone. After the injury heals, you start to regain your strength. God bless you all. Please write and let me know how you are doing. Pat

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