my soul mate & my lover died 4 weeks ago of lung cancer but he had no signs

by mikaela
(stockport)




I lost my best friend, soul mate & lover 4 weeks ago, he died of lung cancer but had no signs part from sore shoulder but we put it down to a strain, he started acting weird, like forgetting how to use his mobile phone & simple things how to unscrew a bottle top, walking into doors & sleeping a lot & I took him to doctors after much nagging but it was a good job I did, the doctor thought he had had a stroke as there was a slight droop on left side of his face but it was only very slightly, ambulance was called & be was taken to the hospital were they took him for a scan with devastating results he had a brain tumor, he was rushed to a different hospital ( hope) were he under went emergency brain surgery for 4 hours, he pulled through but I was told they never removed the the tumors as there were 3 but in fact these were secondary tumors & he also had one in his lung, my world fell apart fast, we were told he had 3 years to live, after a day of his operation he seemed more himself & came home 7 days later, we started to make plans to make most of our time together but unfortunately after 4 weeks of his brain surgery he collapsed with a headache so I rushed him back to the hospital were I was told the following morning he only had days to live, I started to fall apart but wanted him home so nurses got my sweetcheeks home the following day as they couldn't do anymore for my Allan as the brain tumors started to bleed into his brain, I was totally devastated, we got him home & he had 2 days were he was like there were nothing wrong with him but soon went bck to a poorly man, Allan lasted 2 weeks as myself & my children nursed him at home, he passed away Sunday 13th July 2014 at 11:15pm on the dot we were all with him as he passed away, he was so strong & loving, I miss him more everyday, I miss his smell, his touch, him in general, he has left a hole in my heart & I have lost over a stone & a half since be has passed as I can't eat, can't sleep, don't go out, I cry everyday, Allan was only 49yrs old & was an active healthy man whom was always on the go, up at 6 in the morning & always doing things if he wasn't at work, I find each day a fight & struggle from day to day without him he was my everything & don't think I can ever be happy again, people say it gets easier by the day but they don't, I have my family & friends who are amazing but they are not my Allan.

Comments for my soul mate & my lover died 4 weeks ago of lung cancer but he had no signs

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Sep 16, 2014
Still feeling it hard to move on.
by: Doreen UK

Michaela it has only been 10 weeks you lost your beloved Allan and much too soon to be feeling like going on in life. Most of us if not all of us were in the same place as you and felt the same way. Thinking we will never get through our loss of our spouse and we didn't want to go on in life. I could not function for full 6 months. I sat on the couch and bathed my sorrow with God TV. and did nothing. My body felt weak and all beat up with grief. I took ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I have gotten to 2yrs. 4months. I can only still take ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I am glad you are in counselling. It does help and slowly you will feel the benefits. Just don't give up counselling till you know you are feeling better. It may take us months to years to get over our loss. But we don't feel that early stage of raw grief pain you are going through now.
I made a beautiful garden in honour of my husband and put in his favourite flowers. I have put the usual graveside ornaments there and a bird on a pole that moves with the wind. Poems and anything that will make me feel better. This is a good idea. Start small since everything is expensive. and build up slowly over time. e.g. every anniversary or birthday you can put down a new plant, and replace this when you need to. If you have the space. Plant a small tree in honour of Allan and watch it grow. You will recover from grief in time. I think of my husband Steve every day. Married 44yrs. and glad he is not suffering that terrible cancer pain. I STILL MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!. I feel that God is holding me up. I feel my grief in small doses that is manageable.
Don't let anyone make you feel that you should be moving forward by now. You can write here often for support and understanding. No one can speak till they have walked in your shoes and felt your pain and sorrow. You are doing the best thing by getting counselling support. Don't share with people who don't understand. Choose your confidants carefully otherwise they can compound your grief. Life will get easier in time. Till then remember. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Sep 16, 2014
My Sweetcheeks Allan
by: Mikaela

Thank you all for your kind words, it's now 10 weeks since my Allan passed away & still seems like yesterday, I find every single day a struggle, I have wonderful family & friends but still seem so lonely & to be totally honest i don't want to carry on most days without him, I know I have to & believe me when I say I am breathing & that is a huge accomplishment because the pain in my heart without him is so intense I literally think it is going to break, I ask him every night & morning to come & get me, I have thrown myself into making a memory garden for him in our back garden, gosh never knew how expensive building materials were so I am limited to what I can get due to lack of funds,but it is giving me something to focus on at this present time, my 1st birthday without him is next week & to be honest I am so anxious about it, I will not be celebrating it this year, I am completely dreading it is an understatement, so many of you seem so strong & I just feel weak, I don't want to do anything & feel I maybe getting on some people's nerves now & Shaw they think I should just get on with life now but I can't, I miss Allan my Sweetcheeks more everyday & cry so much & think I can't cry any more but I do & they flow like a river, I am having counseling now as well & just had my 3rd session,even had the councilor crying, just don't know how much more pain I can take without him as I just need to be with him.

Aug 21, 2014
thoughts with you..
by: maureen

So sorry for your grief ....I struggle with my own after my partner of 20 years died of lung cancer 10 weeks ago ! Take slow steps to grieve and don,t be scared to cry... I watched my loved one loose so much weight and have to live off pills and loose his self respect. I still cry every day... and night . Take care.

Aug 17, 2014
Your Husband
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know even though people do not know you, there are lots of prayers going up for you and your family.
We truly do not understand much about loss and it's a horrible thing to go through but if you can trust God to help you through your grief, you will find purpose in all of this. God can and will use you to help someone else that will be going through the very same thing you have gone through. It doesn't make it easier knowing that you lost your best friend, but you will find the peace and comfort knowing God has everything in control.
God Bless

Aug 15, 2014
thoughts with you..
by: maureen

So sorry for your loss.....I lost my partner from lung cancer six weeks ago....to see the decline of body and soul was heartbreaking ! To hug my man was scary because he was so skinny in that you feel you would break him. I miss him so much ! I hope you have help ....




Aug 13, 2014
Losing my Wife
by: Doreen UK

Mick Durkin I am so sorry for your loss of your wife to cancer. She was so young to die and leave 2 sons who still need a mother's nurturing. The best way forward is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. You asked the question "Does things get better?" YES THEY DO! but you need to process your grief each day and the healing is such a slow process that one can think they will be in this such pain forever. This is how I felt. None of us knew what grief felt like from losing a spouse. It is different to other losses.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a rare and deadly cancer caused from working with asbestos in the workplace. He cut asbestos and the fibres lodged in is lung where it takes 40yrs. to develop. It is an incurable, inoperable, aggressive, terminal cancer. He still had 6 Chemotherapy sessions followed by 10 Radiotherapy sessions and a further 6 Chemo's and then sent home to die. I cared for him for 3yrs.39days and lost him 2yrs. 3months ago. It was a horrendous cancer journey. I had to watch my husband die slowly. A man who didn't want to die! Wondering all the time what he was thinking and how he felt knowing he was going to die. I thought I would feel the pain forever. But taking one day at a time I have gotten through my grief. I am healing, but I still feel my loss of him deeply. The retirement I do on my own. It is a lonely life.
You are Young so will in time be able to restructure your life and find love again. It may not be what you want. Your feelings will change with time. But for now enjoy your son's. Before you know it they will be all grown up, and living their own independent lives. My 3 Adult children are all grown and living their own lives so life for me is more Lonely. Not easy to structure one's life in their 60's. Just keep Hope alive and enjoy your children while you have them with you. You will in time be able to restructure your life and move forward. Something we didn't want, but had no choice from losing our partners. Sadly tragedies happen all the time in life and let us Hope that we will be spared any more pain from losing loved one's for a long time.

Aug 12, 2014
loss of your husband
by: Anonymous---MI

I am sad for you; this is a time of sorrow and I know how you are feeling in the death of your dear husband. It has been nearly 21 months since my husband died of sudden cardiac arrest. Time has passed but my grief is still with me every day. I miss him so much. I can say that I am stronger in ways of doing things I never thought I could do. I take care of my home and do everything that I possibly can. When I am unable to do some things I seek help from others. I try to keep busy. All this takes time; it is a process that we have to deal with one step and one day at a time. My heart is broken; I will never be the same and I am so looking forward to heaven where I will see Jesus and my beloved husband. I wish for you peace and God's guidance on this journey.

Aug 12, 2014
Losing my wife
by: Mick Durkin

I lost my wife on the 28th April 2014 to cervical cancer she was just 37 years old,with two young son aged 11 and 15 we are broken without her I think about her every minute of every day,does things get better

Aug 11, 2014
To Mikaela
by: Rick

Mikaela,
My heart goes out to you dear. Please accept my sincere condolences over the loss of your loving husband Allan.
God knows, it's so hard going on after losing the love of our life. I know too. I lost my wife Sandy suddenly and unexpectedly on January 13th 2014. My story is entitled "My Dear Sweet Sandy"...it's a fair ways below yours in the list if you're inclined to read it. Even though it's been 7 months now, I'm still struggling with the heartache. I still cry every day...sometimes very hard.
The circumstances of our lives with our dear ones and the events surrounding their passing varies...as does the duration of our pain. What I gather from most others who've been through this, is that the grieving never really goes completely away. It may get less difficult over time, but there are "triggers" (a song, something said, stress, our own thoughts, etc.) that can bring the tears right back...as if it happened just yesterday. I know two elderly gentlemen who lost their wives years ago, yet they teared up as we spoke of our shared loss. I knew a woman in her 90s who's health was failing. One of her main subjects of discussion was the fact that she "Had to live 15 years" after the death of her husband...and she'd cry.
I've heard it said from those who've experienced such loss, to "Go with your feelings as they come...don't deny them." It seems to me to be reasonable advice. It's early in your grief, Mikaela. Allow yourself time, and be understanding with yourself.
Tears for you, dear. God bless you. God bless your sweet husband. God bless us all. May we all be together again in heaven one day. Love and peace to you.
As my Sandy would always say, "Praise and thanks to God...no matter what."
- Rick

Aug 10, 2014
Sympathy
by: Lawrence

Hi Mikaela,
My deepest sympathy on losing your beloved Alan, the anguish you are feeling screams out from your story..
It is such early days for you, four weeks is nothing in this grieving process and every one of us on this web site, knows and remembers exactly the pain and misery you are in.
All you can do is to cry and cry to let your body and spirit release some of the intense grief you are feeling, its nature’s way, so don’t deny or fight against it..
You will have to force yourself to do things as lethargy is one of the main symptoms of grief, but most importantly you must eat for Alan’s and your children’s sake, if you become seriously ill who will look after them.?.
I lost a deeply cherished wife nineteen months ago after a wonderful seventy years together but the fact I am able to send you this comment will perhaps show that there is light at the end of this tunnel of grief and although I don’t expect you to believe me now, it will happen.
It’s when you can look at his photograph without your eyes filling with tears then you will know the healing has started..
With deepest sympathy.
Lawrence

Aug 10, 2014
my soul mate & my lover died 4 weeks ago of lung cancer but he had no signs
by: Doreen UK

Mikaela I am so sorry for your loss of husband Allan at such a young age to a devastating disease of Cancer.
The way you describe you are unable to do anything is normal. You will lose your motivation off and on for some time. You will bounce back and forth with turbulent emotions and won't want to go out. This is normal grief.
My husband was made redundant in December 2008 so decided he would go to the doctor as he had a cough. This was not like my husband to go to the doctors. He was sent to the hospital for a chest Xray where they found shadows on his lungs. It happened all so quickly the Xray led to a fast Biopsy and the most devastating news ever on March 28th 2009. (appt. brought forward). My husband Steve had an incurable, inoperable, aggressive, and rare cancer. He needed to start Chemotherapy immediately. My world fell apart and my grief started that day. I then had to break the news to our 3 Adult Children all anxious, and all our extended family. I soon got on with the job of organising and supporting my husband with all his appts for 6 Chemotherapy sessions and then 10 Radiotherapy, and another 6 Chemotherapy then sent home to die. My husband had MESOTHELIOMA (Lung cancer caused by working with asbestos) My husband got his cancer from his environment in the workplace where he cut asbestos and the fibres lodged in the lining of the lung. It takes 40-60yrs. to develop and my husband was spot on for 40yrs. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died 2yrs. ago on May 5th 2012. It was a horrendous cancer journey and my husband died in severe cancer pain. This was not a normal run of the mill cancer. There are days I can't believe he has gone and never coming back. I have moved forward, but not in a way that I have restructured my life. At 66yrs. of age I cannot do anything but TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. My husband missed out on his retirement. It is so unfortunate that lung cancer is the one cancer that does not give symptoms or early warning signals till it is too late. Life will never be the same again, despite how one moves forward. Families go on with their own lives and you are very much aware of how ALONE you are and feel. There is a VOID in your life that can't be filled ever with anyone else. But some are fortunate to find love again and live a fulfilling life. Nothing wrong with this as life goes on and it can be successful for those who find love again. But it will be different. Your best way forward is by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. I learned on this site and has worked. You will recover from grief in time even if it be years from now. Life feels so hollow, and artificial.
Honour how you feel and ignore any insensitive comments which will only compound your grief. I never thought I would recover. I could not function for 6 months. My world then started changing and I was able to do one or two jobs a day till I was able to cope. Days I did nothing and that was O.K. and days I could cope with more. I honoured how I felt and worked with this. I also built myself up so was able to heal from my sorrow. I have a strong Faith in God and aware He is holding me up and allowing me a slow grief so I don't fall apart. I also know I will see my husband again. This gives me Hope. Hold on, and don't give up. Live life ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't look too far forward. You will soon start to Heal.

Aug 10, 2014
Heart broken
by: Anne Anonymous

I lost my husband to lung cancer on June 22nd . He was diagnosed with brain cancer in April we were told he would gp into full remission, we ere happy. However that was the secondary cancer, he had 10 radiation treatments came home gained weight but then lost it again as he could not eat. He was scheduled for chemo on June 23rd but he got weaker & weaker had to go back in hospital. The cancer was aggressive & just took him away. My heart is broken & I am finding it difficult to coop. he was only 58

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