My soulmate is gone

by Pam
(Tampa, FL)

John died 14 weeks ago, just 9 days after his 56th birthday. He only had one thing on his bucket list. We were supposed to have time to take a chemo break and go to the Grand Canyon. Instead the lung cancer spread quickly, and just a couple of months into chemo, we were told it was time for Hospice. The previous day we were told it was in his spine. The following day we were told it was now in his brain.
Luckily I asked the right questions and listened to the doctor. I was able to round up the troops and both daughters and all 4 sisters came to see John while he was still in the hospital. He was sent home the day before his birthday. All of the above and his mom were able to come to our home for his birthday party. John really wanted no part of it, but allowed us to sing Happy Birthday to him once the pain pills he had been rejecting finally took effect.
The brain being affected meant he was a very difficult patient, and the day after his birthday we moved John to a Hospice in care facility. I moved in also. I went home during the day while his daughters were with him, as I was still completing some work I had previously taken on. The last couple weeks went so very quickly, no time for any planning.
Everyone went home and I stayed with John at the most amazing Hospice House. He wasn’t eating already for about a month before going to Hospice. It was so very impossible to watch him waste away. He was skin and bones, literally. I had made plans for a friend to bring our dog to see us that Friday. John passed overnight before that could happen. I was able to climb in bed with him his last night and hold him and cry quietly. He did not like to be held while awake. All of his senses were heightened, and touch was not comfortable. I held him for a long time, until I started crying too loudly, and I feared bothering him.
I sent an email to a friend that night before going to bed entitled “not long now”. How right I was. The nurse woke me at 11:30 to see if she should give John oxygen. For comfort only. He fought it tho, so we did not push it. At 1 the nursing assistant woke me to tell me the nurse was checking on my husband. They called time of death 12:47. I was able to climb in bed one more time, this time with my husband’s shell. He was already gone.
The next weeks are a total blur. Hard to believe it has been 14 weeks already. A day has not gone by without tears. I cannot imagine taking all the steps needed to ever look at John’s pictures and not cry my eyes out. So many triggers. Daily, hourly.
I know he would want me to laugh and love life again. Right now I can’t imagine finding joy again. I did get a glimpse when my grandchildren came for a week last month. They helped me spread his ashes, and when we went by one of the places where he is, the 6 year old called out “Hi Grandpa John!!!!” in total joy. It helped me put some perspective on the matter. Spreading his ashes helped to bring me some peace, as I was returning him to the places he loved the most.
I am grateful to be able to give myself fully to the grieving process this next year or so. I sold my accounting practice to be able to spend John’s last years which turned into months with him more completely. I’m open to what I will do when I recover. I had both of my hips replaced at once 10 years ago and listened continuously to the song I hope you dance. And I did again. Though I can’t right now, I do plan on dancing again.

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Jun 09, 2013
My soulmate is gone
by: Pam

I feel your pain. I can tell you that although the pain is still with me daily, it does recede some into the background. When I first heard that I will be able to look at John's pictures and smile, I did not think that possible, nor did I even want that to happen. Actually made me angry. Now, just over 14 months into my journey as a widow, I can tell you that it has happened. I can smile when I look at John's pictures, tho I then cry.
I am learning to "move on" as they say. We really have no choice. I find a lot of comfort from my 2 precious grandchildren. I have bought a 2 family home near them, and am spending the summer there. They spent the night last night. We are about to make banana bread together.I am grateful that I can keep John's and my home also, and will go back and forth.
I still hate the word death and cancer and widow, but I have been able to smile and laugh and have a good time sometimes.
(btw, April 30 is my daughter's birthday)
Be well

Jun 08, 2013
i know just how you feel
by: cindy

I lost my soulmate on April 30th 2013 barely seen weeks ago. My husband was only 56 years old after 29 years of marriage. I was only 21 years old when we were married. I am now 50 years old and have too start my life over. I just wait for the day when it is my time to go.and join him. Everyone tells me it will get better but I find that so hard to believe. My husband died of prostate cancer and he also ended up in hospice and he died in my arms and I feel like I have nothing to live for now. How can anyone live through such loneliness such deep deep despair. I guess reading some of these letters makes me feel so not alone. No one can really understand how this feels until they go through one should ever have to feel like this. I hope it helps to
Know so many of us are suffering together. My god have mercy on all of us.

Jul 14, 2012
My sympathy - I share your grief
by: Anthony

Dear Pam - thanks for posting - your story is very similar to mine with my dearest hunnie bunnie Constance - not eating, having it spread, and holding on to her as her life ebbed away.

We had only a couple of things on the list and she wanted so much to go to Jerusalem. Did not make it.

With all the pain and anguish I am very grateful to Jesus for the various after death communications I have received from her in so many various ways. I know that she is around with me all the time and it helps me in my grieving.

I pray that you will always sense your hubby's presence with you all the time and that this will help you too in your grief.

blessings. anthony

Jul 11, 2012
My soulmate is gone
by: Pam

I am so sorry for your loss as well. Things should not have gone as they did. That was quite disrespectful toward your husband's body. Not OK.
John's dad died of asbestos related disease when he was only 42, John was 20. What a cruel way to go.
I hope you find peace soon.

Jul 11, 2012
My soulmate is gone
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Pam I am sorry for the loss of your husband John. My husband Steve died 8 weeks ago of lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. Steve's cancer was aggressive, inoperable, incurable, Steve knew he was going to die. He didn't want to die. He had retired. Spent his 44year working for his pension and then he dies. He didn't get to have any quality time. He didn't get to enjoy retirement. This is a cruelty to a MAN. Like your husband. Steve stopped eating. Due to the Chemo his food was always bitter so couldn't enjoy eating when he could. He lost a lot of weight and was skin and bone. This made me cry when I looked at this body. He was very emaciated. He was very irritable. Angry a lot of the time due to the Chemo and Radiotherapy. Only put in place to buy him time. .3yrs.39days exactly. Cancer is a very cruel disease in what it does to the human body.
Pam one does feel as if all the joy has gone in life. This is raw grief and what it does. It robs us of joy, and peace, and happiness. We just go through the motions till it changes. I guess. Wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But life happens and who knows who will be next in the jaws of death. It is almost like a conveyer belt. What is worse for me is that the Funeral Director I used is the biggest in my country of England. they were exposed on TV. Getting the wrong body delivered and causing the families more grief. They didn't respect the body whilst in their care. Bodies were mishandled. When we went to view Steve we noticed bruising on his face. His clothing was all messed up. We tidied this up. WE FEEL ANGRY. When Steve's body was taken out of our home after he passed. His body was picked up one end and dropped so it made a thud. I FELT ANGRY. Even though he wouldn't have felt this. I did. It was disrespectful. Who knows what happens.
I am glad you are sensible and giving yourself time to grieve. It will take time for all of us to get to where we want to be. I hope you get to dance. Enjoy your life. Be Happy. Best wishes.

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