My spouse and best friend of 33 years

I lost my husband of 33years on November 17, 2013, the grief knocks the wind out of you. I cannot see how it's going to get better, it just seems the longer time passes that it's that much longer I haven't seen him. I go to a support group as well as a grief counselor every couple of weeks. I don't know what else to do. He was long term dialysis patient. 25+ years, a medical miracle , along with pulmonary hypertension, there was some negligence at the hospital, he went in for simple gall bladder surgery, the surgeon did not do all his homework and he nearly bled to death, he survived that, but then was throwing up bile nonstop, they had him in a regular room where his sugar dropped down to 36, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest, and at that point they brought him back into ICU, where he should have been all along, and he passed the next day, It's impossible to get some of those visions out of my head. The grief is devastating and impossible. I don't know how to go on.

Comments for My spouse and best friend of 33 years

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Mar 09, 2014
I too lost the love of my life
by: Anonymous

I lost my dear husband on May 20,2014, which was his birthday. He was not sick, he didn't have a disease, he just didn't wake up one morning. He was to go fishing with his friend at 7:00 in the morning. When I got up at 6:45, I could tell he was not up, he hadn't gotten coffee or let our lab outside. I knew instantly something was wrong. I thought maybe he was sick and hadn't gotten up. I walked downstairs, where he slept sometimes. When I stepped off the bottom step, I heard his alarm, the hair stood up on my arms. I said Oh God, somethings not right. I called out "you better get up ---- will be here soon. No answer, I turned on the light and I knew he was gone. He was cold as ice. No warning - no sickness - nothing. I was in shock for over a week, I couldn't grasp anything. After 9 months I still cannot believe my Tom will never walk up he stairs again, or back his boat in the driveway again. I miss him soooo very deeply still everyday. I hate handling everything, he handled everything. Some days I feel so alone, this is not what life should be like, we had plans to travel, to spend our retirement years on our boat exploring little creeks and harbors. Now I am alone, I hate it.

Feb 05, 2014
Lost my husband
by: Doreen UK

Nan I am sorry for your loss of your husband 2 months ago. You are in the early days of raw grief and it is common for many people to feel so numb with grief. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 21 months ago to lung cancer, from working with asbestos. I nursed him for over 3yrs. It was a very tough, painful cancer journey. He really suffered. My husband was in denial and thought he would be healed by God and recover. He didn't want to die and he was sad all the time. Just like you I feel guilty for being here with my 2 grandchildren whilst he misses out on so much. He worked so very hard for over 47yrs. and was due to retire and died before he could have any quality time he deserved. It just doesn't seem fair. A man works so hard for his family all his working life and then dies.
I now have to do retirement alone. It is so difficult living now having to restructure one's life. I am having to deal with tradesmen to do the house repairs. My husband was a carpenter and now I have to find one to do all my jobs around the house. I am preparing our home with new doors and locks and renting out a room to start with so I have company in the house and not feel so alone, and isolated. I could also do with making some money to fix up the house repairs. I will try and also rent out our large garage so money is coming in. This is the only start I can make to rebuilding my life. But I miss my husband so much still after 21 months. Take one day at a time and you will find the days pass quickly and you will move better through the months this way. I really understand how you feel and where you are at in the early days of grief. Life will get easier in time and you will have less bad days in between the good ones. You will not feel the way you do now. When I was at this stage the pain was unbearable and I thought I would be this way forever. I couldn't try to change the way I felt even with positive thinking. Grief is not something one can make better by positive thinking. But FOCUS does help. A woman would put the needs of her family first and then after losing her spouse and children grown up she is suddenly faced with "What do I do with me?" This is a daunting thought at the time. But later on you will see this as positive. Just as we don't think of our FREEDOM within the family unit. Now we have so much freedom it can be overwhelming. Now I see my freedom as a gift left from my loss and will try to use this wisely. Look for the little nuggets of gold that come your way. I believe God sends them to us as a comfort. WE didn't want life to end this way for us. But now we have to work with what we have been left with. Just take your time planning your future. Spoil yourself a lot it will build up your self esteem. May God comfort you in your grief.

Feb 04, 2014
Lost My Husband
by: Nan

I lost my husband December of 2013. He and I were together for almost forty years. I knew him since I was eighteen. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in July 2013. He had the Whipple Procedure in September, and felt really good two weeks after. He was optimistic and thought he was on his way to better health. Of course, he was in denial. I was in denial as well.Two weeks after surgery he started to go down hill very quickly. He went into hospice and lasted only four days there. The suffering he went through, especially in Hospice was heart wrenching. It's all that comes to my mind. Noone deserves to go through the pain he endured.
I feel guilty for being here and waking up every day,and be able to be with my children and grandchild, and he cannot. I am also losing my home and moving out of state. All this at the same time is too much to take but I feel numb most of the time. I don't know if this is what happens when someone you love so dearly passes away. I am very strong and optimistic when my family is around, but I am truly scared of living the rest of my life without him. I hope in time I will feel differently but right now I am just heartbroken.

Jan 30, 2014
Sympathy by Lawrence
by: CIndy

Your comments really gave me some comfort. I work a fulltime job so I am out of the house, in fact I like to get out and be with friends. Two nights ago I dreamt he was alive, I had such anxiety, a terrible night, the next morning I called in sick and stayed in bed and slept from morning until night. Today I went to work and it was a lot better for me. It comes and goes, and its only been two months. I am seeing a grief counselor every few weeks working on trying to get certain visions out of my head along with some of the last words he spoke to me. It's a living nightmare. Thank you for sharing your situations as well

Jan 30, 2014
Doreen UK
by: Cindy

thank you for your tremendous words of comfort. I'ts just so lonely, I have friends and family, family is far, my only son and his wife live in PA, but they'll all be here for the memorial in March. I work, so that gets me out of the house, and my support group meets every Sunday, plus I have a grief counselor I started seeing every couple of weeks, money of course is an issue, but coming home after work and nighttime, is an impossibility, I see no end in sight of the grieving. I'ts just so sad that he was on dialysis for half his life, which is a medical miracle, along with other ailments, and kept on going, not once complaining

Jan 30, 2014
by: Lawrence

You have joined a web site where all of us have been, or are still going through, the **ll you are in, so believe me we know how you are suffering, the pain and overwhelming grief at losing the man you adored.
I know it it's no consolation, for there is none to be had, but reading all the contributions you will see you are not alone, what you are experiencing is so completely normal, how it could be otherwise.
There is no easy way to get through it except to cry and cry and let nature do the rest, you will find that as the weeks and months pass the pain of your loss will lessen, although it must be so hard for you to believe me at present.
Just over a year ago on Christmas Day I lost my beautiful wife so suddenly and like you was totally distraught, when you say that you can’t get the vision out of your head, I am the same, my wife died in mid-sentence and the sight of the medics doing CPR on our bed will stay with me for life.
Yet, here I am offering you solace and sympathy just to show that it does get better and the pain and anguish you are going through now, although will never go completely, will become livable with as it has with me.
May I make one suggestion, “get out of the house”, don’t stay in and grieve, it is not what your husband would have wanted.
The house will still be there when you get back, empty and lonely, this is something we all have to live with and that part never gets better.
I’m so sorry you have had to join this horrible club but now you are here write in and let us know how you are coping.
With deepest sympathy

Jan 30, 2014
best friend of 33 yrs
by: Anonymous----MI

I wish for you strength and courage as you face the next days and months. I am very sorry about the death of your dear husband. I too lost my husband 14 months ago to SCA. The devastation is unreal; our minds cannot process just what has happened. Let me say that I am still so hurting and in sorrow and missing my husband; the only love of my life. We were married over 43 amazing years. Like so many of you I will never be the same person that I once was. Grief takes our confidence away and leaves us very vulnerable. But, in these months I have found that to keep busy is helpful. Working in your home and taking care of tasks such as cleaning out drawers and closets and throwing 'stuff' away that we no longer need or care about. Some of the 'stuff' will be difficult to purge but do it anyway and after a time you will feel a cleansing--for me, it was like preparing my home and myself to join my husband in heaven. Lately, that has changed in this way; I want to live for my children and grandkids and thus, I have disposed of 'stuff' so they won't have to when I leave this earth. Of course, there are many times that I don't feel like doing anything but I try to keep in mind that I must keep moving on this road of grief. When you are able, gather special items of your husband's together in one place and give away or dispose of his things that no longer have a place in your life. Every person has to do this task in his or her own time; try not to make impulse decisions. I lean on God to help me through each and every day. He is my only source of going through the valley of darkness into sunlight again. God Bless you and all on this site.

Jan 30, 2014
My spouse and best friend of 33years
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your husband. It is hard enough coping with one's loss despite knowing there was negligence.
My husband's cancer was a 3yrs battle and he was not offered good care due to the lack of resources and funding. He was left in pain because the syringe driver couldn't be given without the say so of the provider and whether they could afford this.
This is what life has come down to now in our Health Care Services. I had 44yrs. with my husband but they weren't quality years due to his punishing work schedule over 47yrs. He was looking forward to his retirement and planning for this and then he was cut down 2yrs. before this and had to deal with a terminal deadly cancer growing inside him for 40yrs. when he cut asbestos not known then as a killer substance. I guess many would be saying to me I should be thankful I had him for 44yrs. I AM. But it is still very hurtful to have to go through life alone without him. There is a reward for working hard in life and many lose their reward. Cut short through illness and then death. There is no easy way to go through grief but one day at a time. It is the early days of grief pain that are the worst. Taking time out and often doing nothing is what most of us feel like doing and few can due to work commitments and bringing up children. I am retired. I have a grown up family. I don't want Life as it is but I have no CHOICE in this. I rise each day and say "This is the day the Lord has given. I will be glad and rejoice in it." This is the blessing I start my day with and then take this day as it comes. With all it's stresses and trials. I can't bring my husband back. I have to try and put one foot in front of the other and at least enjoy the freedom I have to CHOOSE what I do. This is just the little nugget I was left through my loss. I guess you will find some nuggets also. Cling on to these and enjoy them. A small compensation for our loss and pain. There will be rough days in between some good days. But you will in time like all of us. Learn to go on and build a life for those we have left and who we need, and who need us.

Jan 29, 2014
response to my best friend and husband
by: Cindy

Thank you for your comforting words. I know I cannot go on feeling like this day after day, it's taking it's toll, it's only been 2 months. The pain will never go away, at this point I don't think the grieving will ever go away either.

Jan 29, 2014
Your Loss
by: Judith in California

I'm so sorry for your loss and the devastating events that led up to that most heartbreaking day. It's still so very early for you and as time passes things will become more bearable but certainly not less painful. We learn to cope as we move forward daily but we will always have the memories and have that deeply sad empty spot in our hearts for them.

Please know Time is your best friend right now. WE take it one minute, one hour one day at a time.
I pray you will eventually be at peace .

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