My story is not unique

by dorian
(wash dc, USA)

My wife of 44 years died unexpectedly, 9 months ago. I miss her deeply. I think of her constantly. The only easy moments are when I am with family or with a "Date". How weird is the word "date" after 44 years. But it calms me down. When alone, I cry. How long will this last? I can't seem to be alone without deep sadness. I am trying to embrace "speed grief" by dating and staying active with the things I have always liked to do. It seems to work when I am pre-occupied, but when alone, I feel that the dating and the activities are shelving the pain I should be having and really want to have. Yes, I want to embrace and feel the pain of my loss. I want to cry. I want to hurt. I want to understand why this has happened. And the memories haunt me all the time. Random memories pop into my head all the time whether I am alone or not. 44 years of past memories, some of which I thought I have forgotten. Why....

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May 28, 2013
my story is not unique
by: silver

Dear Dorian:I have been where you are.Tomorrow,May 29,2013 the love of my life has been gone for 2 yrs.I still cry often but not every day.I don't cry as hard as I used to.Some days are harder than others.May is a hard month for me.Mothers day(mom left us in June,2010),my anniversary on the 22nd,my dearest friend died May 29,10 and my husband May 29,2011.We were married for 33 yrs.We both had been married before and married in our late 20's.I admire you for going out.It took me over a yr to start going out except to the dr,church or the store.I'm retired.I am just getting to the point I want to get out.I'm soon going to be 64 and it's hard to start seeing people.I agree with Lawrence and Doreen,you can't stop the progress of grief.Please allow nature to take it's course or you might end up where I did. At the 15 month mark @ my birthday It hit me that he was gone and wasn't coming back. I cried so hard and all day for two weeks.I ended up in an ambulance and in the E.R. because I made my lungs raw.I have asthma and almost put myself in the hospital.It's different for everyone.The way we grieve and the time we grieve before we can go on easier.My love used to say,"you never get over it but it does get easier".I keep telling myself that because it's right and it's something I can remember about him.I have found this site to be my greatest help.To know that others feel as I do.To know I'm not alone.You aren't either.We all support each other. We go on because we know that by doing so we honor their memories.He's also right.It does get easier.I also found out that the average grief span is 18 months to 3 yrs,esp.if you love deeply.Keep coming here as often as you need.There are some beautiful people here and they know where we are which helps.GOD send you strength and peace.Read some of the poetry on this site.It will help you know that others feel as we do.We are not alone.Allow yourself to grieve.It's natural and necessary to go on.I keep you in my prayers.

May 28, 2013
Rushing Grief
by: Lawrence

Hi Dorian,
Believe me you can’t rush grief, it’s against nature, or you will become ill. You have to go through the process that we all do on this website, read all our stories and realize you are not alone. Everybody feels the loss of their beloved spouse, the pain, anguish and incredible sadness seems never ending, the lack of motivation and exhaustion is all part of the grieving process.
Don’t try to understand why it happened, it just did and we call it fate, it is one thing in life we can’t fight against and remember in every loving relationship one of you will die sooner or later but unfortunately we are never prepared.
My wife and I often talked one of us dying but always laughed and said “But not today “well that day came for me at Christmas, the Turkey was in the oven, tabled laid for the family annual party and she just died, no warning, one minute she was there the next gone, and although we were both in our eighties and had been together for nearly seventy years and should have been prepared it was totally unexpected and now five months later I still cry daily and miss her incredibly, however the pain does get less as the months pass but perhaps you are trying too hard to get back to normality, believe me life for you and me will never be normal again, the person we loved more than life itself has gone and can never be replaced.
There is a saying I keep repeating “GRIEF IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR HAPPINESS” and it is a price well worth paying..
Look after yourself and everyone on this wonderful site will be thinking and praying for you.
Lawrence

May 28, 2013
My story is not unique
by: Doreen U.K.

Dorian I am sorry for your loss of your wife of 44yrs. 9 months ago.
My husband of 44yrs. died 1yr. ago. I am in the same place as you in your grief. I know how you feel and why you need to "speed grief" by dating. much in the same way as some will try to block out the pain with alcohol.
But my friend be careful about becoming so busy that you avoid your grief. It will just be compounded and feel twice as hard. Grief happens automatically whether we like it or not. It is not something we force ourselves to do. Memories can speed up the process of grief in much the same way that something can also trigger off grief. e.g. a song. A certain type of food. A memory. An anniversary. A birthday. etc.
It is however good that you are structuring you day and doing things to help yourself. This is good and positive and never a bad thing. There has to be a balance. I also feel better when I am doing some project or the normal duties of living. As Widows/Widowers we are thrust into a new world we have to build for ourselves. Starting life over again is never easy. God created Woman for Man so I guess it may be harder for a man to be ALONE. I don't know? One question I want to ask God. WHY? also "Why does grief hurt so much?"
44yrs. of memories are hard to recover from. Days you will feel O.K. and days you will want to scream WHY?????. Crying and searching for our loved one and answers is the first stage of grief. I was stuck in this stage for over 9 months. None of us can rush grief. I didn't grieve for my mom for 10yrs. till now since I lost my husband. Often one death not grieved can be triggered off from another loss. Which is what happened to me. None of us will ever know if we have grieved fully. I guess we will always have memories resurface and we don't know how we will react or deal with them. Some memories just pass and we can feel positive and O.K. with them. Once these memories are out of our system they can't bother us anymore. Many unresolved conflicts will also surface when someone dies and so we have more to deal with. There are no magic solutions to dealing with grief. You will find as you go along in life that when you feel like crying then CRY. This is you expressing grief and one day closer to HEALING from your loss. I hope you have good support and someone to walk with you in your down times and need. May you be comforted in you grief.

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