My story

by M Mack

July 22, 2010 was a very hot and hazy morning. This was the last time we were together....he'd died on July 23rd. We were down a car the day before he died so I drove him to work that morning then back home to get ready for my 20 hour shift. When we arrived at his work place he jumped out of the car and came around to the drivers side. I was glad that he didn't just reach over the car console to give me a kiss goodbye. Instead I opened the window, he put his arms around me and we kissed goodbye. This kiss wasn't your everyday goodbye kiss, it had passion and that "I really love you" way he made our parting so special. It was almost dramatic for just a normal goodbye. I felt so lucky to finally have someone so thoughtful in my life. As he turned to walk into the building, I distinctly remember thinking.....I could never be without him. I rode off, and yes there was an eerie feeling in my stomach as though I knew I'd never be kissed like that again.

Why did I feel funny about leaving him? Was our love too good to be true after all this time? I figured it was because I was working a double, and we wouldn't see each other until tomorrow mid morning. We were very close as a couple. We spoke later that night a few times on the phone.

The next morning I saw a missed call and he sounded rushed or hurried? Not his normal calm. He said his phone was acting up, not getting a signal. The Next call he made went to my voicemail and the last words on the voicemail were I love you. Very definite when I heard this message I knew he wasn't himself. I tried calling back-it again and my call went to his voicemail.

I raced home to find him laying on the floor, on his back, still warm, looking very peaceful. I called an ambulance, cried, screamed, held him in my arms, shaking uncontrollably. My mind raced with crazy thoughts...what time did I get that voice message, why didn't I hear the phone, what happened, did he suffer? The love of my life gone!

We never knew he had a bad heart. It happened so fast and I remember it like yesterday, every feeling rolled into that exact moment. As I sit here with a heavy heart reflecting on what I lost, how much I miss him and why everything happened that early morning, the pain gets unbearable. I have so much regret and sadness and lack the closure. I need to overcome this deep sadness. Yes, I am surviving, trying not to blame anyone and working on finding the right perspective to deal with it.

So for me, its one breath, one step, support and prayers. My heart goes out to all experiencing the lost love. It is a very difficult struggle but I know we will all survive it somehow.

Comments for My story

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Feb 20, 2011
The courage to survive...

M. Mack,

I am sure that you have played that message many a time to both torture/soothe yourself. Hubbys voice is still on voice mail when the line is busy. I know what it says but I have not heard it yet. It is before he had the stroke and just hearing what was so very long ago can still bring me to my knees.

Things do get a little easier as time passes, I promise. Going out to the garage to clear out the clutter was not a complete disaster. I did not get that let me the hell outta here kind of feeling. I looked around for things that were junk things that could be tossed so that I could perhaps find some tools and paintbrushes for spring painting.

6 months ago I sobbed as I came out with a racing heart and a sick at my stomach feeling.

This weekend my brothers and I got rid of 4 truckloads of stuff! As my sister puts it I was ruthless. Use/Don't use. I did well till I pulled his ashes out. I could go no further.

We all have boundaries of what we can and cannot do at this moment, at this time. I tried to force it, Force grief to hurry along. After 14 months I finally get that grief is the driver for now. I am the passenger of grief it will lead me not me it.

It is an awful ride but later much later we will have a strength that others will never attain. They have not been through this and cannot ever comprehend the courage that we force to get through the day and eventually our lives. I wish you well and know how it is to relive that awful day. I did for a very long time myself. Its not that I do not think of it, it's just a little easier to push it out of the way. I will never forget the love we shared or the sorrow that I was left to survive. One step, One breath...

Feb 20, 2011
Love Being in Love
by: TrishJ

I miss my husband so much. I lost him to heart disease. We were married for 35 years. The last time I kissed my husband goodbye I never thought it would be the last. I too am so glad it was "goodbye~I love you." Unlike your situation with the sudden unforeseen death my husband was ill for a very long time. I am basically in financial ruins right now but I don't have any regrets about what we went through trying to save Joe's life. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

When we have that kind of love in our life ~ will we ever find it again? Do we deserve it or even want it a second time? Some people never have that true authentic love. At this time (3 months) I can't even imagine having another love. I will be "in love" with Joe until I die no matter where my life leads me. I just miss his smile and sense of humor so much. He didn't want to leave us and that's what really breaks my heart.

Bless you Mary Mack. I know you live in Chicago~I live in the burbs. We're all going through the same grief. Sometimes life really sucks doesn't it?

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