by M Mack
July 22, 2010 was a very hot and hazy morning. This was the last time we were together....he'd died on July 23rd. We were down a car the day before he died so I drove him to work that morning then back home to get ready for my 20 hour shift. When we arrived at his work place he jumped out of the car and came around to the drivers side. I was glad that he didn't just reach over the car console to give me a kiss goodbye. Instead I opened the window, he put his arms around me and we kissed goodbye. This kiss wasn't your everyday goodbye kiss, it had passion and that "I really love you" way he made our parting so special. It was almost dramatic for just a normal goodbye. I felt so lucky to finally have someone so thoughtful in my life. As he turned to walk into the building, I distinctly remember thinking.....I could never be without him. I rode off, and yes there was an eerie feeling in my stomach as though I knew I'd never be kissed like that again.
Why did I feel funny about leaving him? Was our love too good to be true after all this time? I figured it was because I was working a double, and we wouldn't see each other until tomorrow mid morning. We were very close as a couple. We spoke later that night a few times on the phone.
The next morning I saw a missed call and he sounded rushed or hurried? Not his normal calm. He said his phone was acting up, not getting a signal. The Next call he made went to my voicemail and the last words on the voicemail were I love you. Very definite when I heard this message I knew he wasn't himself. I tried calling back-it again and my call went to his voicemail.
I raced home to find him laying on the floor, on his back, still warm, looking very peaceful. I called an ambulance, cried, screamed, held him in my arms, shaking uncontrollably. My mind raced with crazy thoughts...what time did I get that voice message, why didn't I hear the phone, what happened, did he suffer? The love of my life gone!
We never knew he had a bad heart. It happened so fast and I remember it like yesterday, every feeling rolled into that exact moment. As I sit here with a heavy heart reflecting on what I lost, how much I miss him and why everything happened that early morning, the pain gets unbearable. I have so much regret and sadness and lack the closure. I need to overcome this deep sadness. Yes, I am surviving, trying not to blame anyone and working on finding the right perspective to deal with it.
So for me, its one breath, one step, support and prayers. My heart goes out to all experiencing the lost love. It is a very difficult struggle but I know we will all survive it somehow.