my story

My girlfriend of 13 years left me a month ago. We've been a couple since she was 18 years old and got engaged 3 years ago. We moved in with each other almost immediately 13 years ago. Her reason for leaving was that over the past 2 years she's had doubts about our long term future together. She says she doesn't think she still loves me romantically and that I've become a best friend / family member to her. We rarely argued and I do feel like we were in a rut, Our life together became so routine and we started to neglect one another. I wish she had communicated before deciding to leave, I wish we could have come together as a couple to work through our problems. I've become very depressed, I'm not eating or sleeping properly and I feel so alone in our old apartment. She told me she feels like she needs to be independent for awhile and that she no longer knows what she likes or wants in her life. She's taken on many of my interest and doesn't feel like she knows herself. She told me that she feels like she needs to learn to love herself before she can love me. A week after she left I begged her to come home and I found out that since leaving she had a one night stand with a guy she met at a bar. I cut communication with her, I deleted her phone number, deleted old texts, deleted her as a facebook friend. I couldn't handle seeing her move on through facebook and I drove myself crazy trying to analyze each new post and tagged picture. She e-mailed me about a week ago to give me something I had asked for and she decided to come over the following week to get her mail. I started driving myself crazy about our planned meet-up and when I rationalized that the meet-up was to strictly get her mail and maybe talk as friends I decided to cancel because I wasn't emotionally ready to see her so soon. I forwarded the mail to her then wrote her an e-mail claiming I was o.k. with her decision to separate and that it had given me some clarity about the rut our relationship was in. I'm finding it so hard to let go of the long term dreams we had planned. I'm finding it really hard to accept that our separation is likely forever. I'm too focused on what she's doing and how I can possibly get her back again. We have financial ties, personal belongings and shared household items that we need to talk about. We have a dog that we both adore that one of us needs to let go of. I have the dog for now but I'm concerned I'm holding on to her for the wrong reasons. My ex is looking for an apartment and once she finds one we will need to get together to sort out our ties. I'm terrified of how permanent this will become if she finds her own apartment. I want to make plans to see her and somehow try to convince her that we should give it another shot, that things can be different. I fear making plans with her will push her further away since I'm not giving her the space she needs and I worry I'll have another emotional breakdown if I find out she's sleeping or dating someone else. I want to fight for our 13 years together but she's not giving me any indication she wants to try. I fear I missed an opportunity by not having her over to get her mail. I know had we seen each other we would have hugged, laughed, cried and maybe grown close over the situation. I don't think she'll reach out again until she's ready to move into her apartment since I expressed that it was easier to not see her for the time being. I want that closeness again and I feel it's the only way that she can be convinced to come back. I'm scared over time she and I will find love again with someone else, and our time together will fade into history and our friendship will end. Have I done enough to show her I'm still here and willing to work things out? Should I try to get her back before it's too late? Do I wait for her to reach out for reconciliation? Do I need to forget about her move on, work on myself and trust that if it was meant to be that we will eventually get back together?

Comments for my story

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Jan 02, 2012
similar situation
by: Anonymous

WOW! that sounds eerily like my situation but we were together for 10 years and got together when she was 19. Moved in together right away, she said she loves me but like a best friend and left to explore life. Dating people and I am left here alone. We too share a lot of things and i gave them all up and moved in with a friend. The hard issue is we are in a music band together and we have to play with each other....that will be nearly impossible for me. But i hope she will come back to me after exploring other relationships. I think our girls were too young when we got them and we maybe took them for granted. I cry daily, but maybe we can get over this. I dont want to let her go, and i am forced to. i get scared she will be happy if we are just friends so she still can know me her whole life. I love her and want her back. if there help for us?

Nov 26, 2011
You are not alone
by: Alegria

Hi there! I just want to let you know that you're not by yourself. I too just got out from 10 years relationship. My ex got someone pregnant! I know how you feel, it's really hard and confusing... I've done everything that I could possibly think but in the end I realized I was fighting by myself. He told Me that he loved me but how can someone hurt their love one so bad?! It's gonna be hard and you to go through the different stages of grief. My advice is talk it out with your best friend, family member and don't hold your emotions by yourself. Be surrounded by positive people... Take it day by day. Live in the moment... Your past be a learning experience... It's really gonna be tough I too live with him for 10 years... But always remember you are not by yourself. I'll pray for you and may god give you strength to fight it! Take care :)

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