I lost my boyfriend Christian to suicide. He took his life a week after I broke up with him, out of fear that he might take his life. IT is extremely scary to think about him. he was the only man I ever knew who told me he wanted to make me a wife and a mother. Whe i met him, i instantly knew i loved him and wanted him to be mine. He was a brilliant man and it kills me to know that his talent went wasted. He could have saved the world if he wanted. I felt like my life had come to a complete place, a place where i no longer had to search for anything. Its been a while now, and I dont know how i will ever love a man or let a man love me again. My father similarly took his own life 5 years ago, and sometimes it feels as though the men i loved the most made the most ultimate decision to be away from me, without my feelings being considered.
I am having a hard time making decisions. I cant go back home because i feel trapped in the presence of my mother. I cant stay here because his memory is here and i suffer with my feelings of disconnection and sedation to the world outside. I want so badly to move on with my life, and i hate when i hear that its going to take time. I fear my life will never be normal again.
I miss him and every day he is dead i grow more and more in love with him. Ive come to a place where his memories make me laugh, and he no longer haunts me in my dreams. I have dove into my Christian faith and that has helped immensely. I know i am blessed by God, and being watched over, and that my future is in place. What is hard is waiting.