My story

I lost my boyfriend Christian to suicide. He took his life a week after I broke up with him, out of fear that he might take his life. IT is extremely scary to think about him. he was the only man I ever knew who told me he wanted to make me a wife and a mother. Whe i met him, i instantly knew i loved him and wanted him to be mine. He was a brilliant man and it kills me to know that his talent went wasted. He could have saved the world if he wanted. I felt like my life had come to a complete place, a place where i no longer had to search for anything. Its been a while now, and I dont know how i will ever love a man or let a man love me again. My father similarly took his own life 5 years ago, and sometimes it feels as though the men i loved the most made the most ultimate decision to be away from me, without my feelings being considered.
I am having a hard time making decisions. I cant go back home because i feel trapped in the presence of my mother. I cant stay here because his memory is here and i suffer with my feelings of disconnection and sedation to the world outside. I want so badly to move on with my life, and i hate when i hear that its going to take time. I fear my life will never be normal again.
I miss him and every day he is dead i grow more and more in love with him. Ive come to a place where his memories make me laugh, and he no longer haunts me in my dreams. I have dove into my Christian faith and that has helped immensely. I know i am blessed by God, and being watched over, and that my future is in place. What is hard is waiting.

Comments for My story

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Jul 23, 2012
by: Daniel

Indeed my comment was meant for the author of 'my story' which in my haste I took to be 'Doreen' I apologize for any confusion caused. No, I don't have all the answers..just trying to make sense out of an often confusing and painful world and le others - like the Author -know she is not alone in her pain. Many of us have been gifted with deep empathic abilities...perhaps due in part to our own suffering or loss. In January I lost a sister to chronic alcoholism. Hmmm, a sort of slow suicide in some ways as she could have / should have died several times prior to her January episode. For all my family knows, it 'was' suicide. Heaven knows and Heaven is, perhaps, where our questions will be answered. Daniel

Jul 21, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Daniel, I was a bit confused from your reply TO ME. The title of this post is called MY STORY.
The person did not give their name.
This is however not MY STORY it is someone elses story and I attempted to reply in as gentle a manner as possible.
I still appreciate your input and reply. I Know that even in Suicide. It is a CHOICE. WE are all given a CHOICE. Some of us make unwise choices and some wise. In the case of Suicide. Although it is an unwise Choice it is nevertheless made when one is not in their right mind. They have become out of balance to make an informed choice. This comment is made under the context of the writer expressing the thought and statement. "The men I loved made the ultimate decision to be away from me without my feelings being considered." Perhaps my reply will make better sense. I am sure my reply did not in any way question in a finite way the ways of an Infinite God. His ways are not our ways. Perish the thought that any of us who Know God would question his ways or his judgements. God is "SOVEREIGN" We may not understand why He does what he does. But we can understand "What he says" and "Why He says it" We will be judged purely by the CHOICES we made in life. I am sure God whilst not condoning Suicide. Will have MERCY when He judges. Perhaps you will read my reply again and it will make better sense.
Thank you once again for your kind reply for the person who posted MY STORY.

Jul 20, 2012
Remember Doreen.....
by: Daniel

As a Christian, you know...more than most...that we live in a fallen world. The Author of the song AMazing Grace once said something profound. 'Whatever is 'allowed' by God is necessary....whatever is not, is unnecessary'. Now that takes some time to sink in but ultimately it says -to me anyway -that like Job, I have to be careful anytime I with my finite human mind and understanding dare to question the workings of an infinite God. God did not take these men from you, I believe you know this. They made a choice and choices have consequences. Hard as it is, try not to look at their acts as thoughtless where your feelings are concerned or as selfish. Just know that they, for whatever the reason....reasons you won't likely know this side of eternity...were in extremen pain and chose a very unfortunate way to deal with it. They are human. Humans are frail and imperfect. They are not the first to make such a choice and I dare say will not be the last. Draw near to God during your grief and He promises to draw near to you. Seek comfort under his wing. Ask Him genuinely to fill you with His Holy Spirit and He will. 'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you"....scripture tells us this is so. You CAN believe it

Jul 19, 2012
My story
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend to suicide. My nephew was 30years of age when he threw himself in front of an express train. You broke up with your boyfriend because you feared he would kill himself and HE DID. Your father took his own life and you feel both men in your life didn't consider your feelings before they took their own life. When people are hurting and they are broken and feel as if they can't go on in life. They are in a frame of mind that is all consuming and the last thing they can think of is who they are leaving behind. They just want their pain to end. Hence Suicide. The only way they see as OUT of their suffering.
You say you want to move on with your life but you don't like the wait. You only move on in life when you are ready to. You would greatly benefit from grief counselling. Especially where you have experienced 2 men in your life end their life through suicide. You will then be able to move on in a more healthier way and not attract men who perhaps will end their life. Because you mention God in your life and have a spiritual life. See your pastor for support and spiritual counselling. WAITING is the hardest part in life. It feels like waiting forever. God asks of us to WAIT on HIM and sometimes this feels like forever. God might be trying to teach you patience. If you go into counselling you will break any pattern repeats in your life. This needs to be explored. You then won't be afraid of having another relationship or be scared of it. You will have moved forward in a healthier way. You need to let grief run its course. Concentrate on going through your grief first and not seek a relationship in order to cope with your grief. It won't work. It is just more hard work. You don't need this. things will get better in time. But you will have to WAIT. Don't concentrate on the WAIT. Concentrate on the journey to get to where you want to be.

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