My superwoman

by S
(Singapore)

It's been almost 2 weeks since she i last saw her smile. My parents were divorced when i was 3 years old and since then i lived w my grandmother. I dont really remember those memories when i was still a baby but i remembered how she would say she carried me and hold my sister hand last time when we was young.

My childhood was really awesome thanks to the freedom she gave us, how i would run home to get a $2 note from her and run downstairs to play again. Even w much freedom, she would punish us if we ever go home late not w a cane but a pail of water of my hands. She had never lay a finger on us before.

When i was young, i was a mischievous kid, thats why nobody dote on me. And she once said to my aunt : " If you gonna buy things for her sister, make sure you get her one too " And due to the fact that no ones dotes on me, she took over this role. I didn't know how to cherish her till i actually become sensible. I defy her all the time and most of the time we were in cold wars.

When i'm sick, she would take care of me like how a mother does. We shared so much memories together, i use to accompany her to work at my aunt's coffeeshop. She would always give me money to buy snacks.

When i got sensible, i started to give in to her, i would joke around w her whenever she flare up and we didn't have any cold wars since then, something i'm proud of. I started to cherish her, how i would always think of her whenver i'm out and make sure i get smth back for her. I always look forward to goig home because i know she will be waiting for me. How only i in the family knows how to apprecaite her homecook dishes.

I shared so much memories w her, she was like the happy pill of my life.

She's really adorable, her actions and everything. It keeps me going. I miss her cheeky smile. I never bear to go overseas even if it's free due to the reason that i dont want to leave her alone at home because i know she won't be able to sleep soundly w/o me.

I'm so use to having her that now that she's gone it's like i've got nothing left. It just feels so empty in here. Like i lost a meaning in life and i'm just forcing myself to pass through everyday. I cant help but to cry every night because when i close my eyes, the memories just keeps coming back.

I miss her so much that i still bring myself to admit the fact that shes gone and alone w/o me taking care of her.

During chinese new year this year, her health started to deteriorate. She started getting weaker and moody and wasn't her cheerful self anymore. I know she needs me the most so i make a effort to go home early everyday. Then problems start to arise one by one. I took care of her everyday, from her urination to bathing to getting up bed and getting around. Till one day she couldn't take it anymore and had to be admitted. She was in a normal ward for the first week and i was really scared even tho it was just a normal ward because she's never been admitted into the hospital before and i just don't know how to handle. I stayed with her every single day in the hospital. I took care of her and make sure she don't feel lonely. i just want to be there for her. One day the doctor told me a bad news that there are abnormal stuff in her lungs, i couldn't stand still, i almost fainted. I started crying when i told her about it. Then her condition deteriorate and had to be put into ICU w a pipe connected. The moment i saw that scene, my heart broke. I wished i was the one there instead. I could feel her discomfort and scared. I stayed by her side everyday till one day we had to let her go. I told myself i need to be strong so that she doesn't worries. I didn't cry when i was at the funeral, i just didn't know how to feel. This house seems so empty w/o her. I just want to know how she is right now? Leading a happy life there ? Did you eat your meal on time ? Are you alone ?

Grandma, you are my superwomen.

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