My sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks go.

by Barbara Robins
(modesto, CA. U.S.A.)

We were married 48yrs. My Don, my husband, was told he had small cell lung cancer. He was give iyr. to live. with chemo.When the DR. took him off chemo, he seemed to go down hill. He was taken off because the chemo. had stopped the spreading if this horrible type of cancer. The DR. small it was a very lethal type cancer. Anyway, weeks later he couldn't even, so I called the ambulance. He was in there with pnmonia, can't spell it. When he came home, he was ok, for about 3 days. Then he started to go downhill very fast.I was disoriented and in much pain. All of his family took care of him, including me. I never left is side. He was in some much pain,the cancer had spread all over his body.I kept him heavily drugged so he wouldn't be in any pain. I called Hospice and they told me what to do. Well, he died 3 days later. His death was so shocking because he had been fine just in the last 3 weeks after he stopped chemo. Then when he went to the hospital and came home, he was lucid . We even sat outside like we always had. Then 3 days later he died. He was in horrible pain. We were all very shocked by his death. Now I am grieving so bad, so is my daughter and my son. I cry every night, I want him back. The grief is like someone has ripped my heart and soul out. We were together so long, I fell as if a part of me has gone. My daughter won't leave her bedroom.I feel very bad for her. My son just doesn't like talking about it.Everyone tells me I'll get better, sick of hearing that. How do they know I will get better. A part of me has gone and I miss him more than words can say. I grieve the worst at night. I just can't stop crying, I even hyper venilate. Which is something I have never done. I miss and love more than word could ever say. I miss my Don. He always called me his girl, well, he was and still is my guy. I am dying inside. How can I go on without my sweet and kind husband, I just don't know. Thank u for reading this. I am almost like a zombie from the grief and so is my daughter. If there is a hell, I am in it.

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Jun 14, 2014
my husband died
by: Anonymous

I understand what you are going through. Last saturday my soulmate and I were married and by 830 that night due to a fall he was pronounced brain dead. I was a bride and a widow on the same day. Now his sons have come here from Missouri demanding to take everything we have or Don had including his truck that he had given me and we were going to put in my name on monday. But that day I was busy signing papers to take my beloved Don off of life support. I havent had time to grieve or anything with all the crap going on. They dont seem to care what this is doing to me. Their father would be so ashamed of them. Treating me so badly. They dont care that their father had finally found his one true love and that he was happy and in love for the first time in his life. They couldnt even be bothered to come to the wedding and share in his joy and happiness. No as soon as they heard he was gone they were here. Even brought the ex wife along so she could see what she could get. Well I loved my husband dearly but i will not just give up everything to them.

Jun 05, 2014
I understand
by: Anonymous

I understand you pain, I lost the love of my life 5 months ago. There are no words to describe what we are dealing with, people try to help, but unless they have walked this journey they don't get it. they try but you can't unless you experience it. My love (David) & are one, he gave me all of him and I gave him all of me. We love with me with such pure love, and I miss him so much. I cry daily because I miss everything about him. I get tired of hearing people tell me it's going to get better, you're going to make it all the other stuff that comes out of peoples mouth when they are trying to help. Just know there's others that understand. Nothing or no one can take away the pain we are experiencing, but what I try to do, is remember how much we loved, laughed, acted silly and that I got to spend 29 yrs and experience unconditional love with a human being on this earth. Most people never get to say that.

May 27, 2014
struggling to cope
by: Anonymous

My darling husband died 6 weeks ago from lung cancer. We had been together for 53 years ever since I was 15 years of age. We would have celebrated our golden wedding anniversary on 13th June this year but he did not make it.
He was only diagnosed with cancer in January and did not become poorly until four weeks before he died. He wanted to come home from hospital and we managed to get him home just in time as he died 12 hours later but I know he knew he was home even though by then he could not speak to me.
I feel so lonely without him even though my daughter speaks to me every day I spend most of my time at home alone as I am retired from work.
Some days I feel I am coping but on others I feel I cannot go on without him. Nothing seems to be going right.

Unfortunately as well as missing my husband I have been left with lots of financial problems everyone seems to want a piece of you but no-one wants to help you.

Sometimes I feel so angry that he has left me to manage on my own and other times I want to cry all day.

Everyone tells me that I am strong person but I just want It all to go away I am so fed up having to be strong. I loved him so much.

Oct 17, 2013
sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

i am so sorry to hear about your loss. my mother also had small cell lung cancer. and when she stopped chemo it came back so quick. i wish i could have came to be with her sooner. i too took care of mamma until she went to heavan. i wish i could have breathed for her at the last 3 days or so. but please remember that he is in a better place and he is happy and in no pain now. god gave him a glorified body. i said at my moms service that she worked so hard and prayed so much that she deserves her rewards. and to heavan there is no limit on time it will be a twinkle until you see him again. we are the ones here on this earth that suffer. i know it helped me so much to know that one day my entire family will be together in glory. i hoped this helped a little bit. take care and god bless.
nancy

Jun 18, 2013
Melina
by: Liz/Lisa

Dear Melina,
Know I care and love you, and understand, that I Feel sorry that you were upset.
Love, you know me better, Lisa

Jun 18, 2013
to "T: - June 18, 2013
by: Lisa

Dear T,
Sorry about the work incident with the song Tommy loved.

I feel sick today-anxiety, nausea, etc., and very depressed.
I'll write again. My prayers are with you, I think of you often. It is a bad day for me today, very bad. Love, Lisa

Jun 18, 2013
Glad you're all still here
by: T

Good to hear from you guys and to hear good news that Lisa's biopsy came back ok. I know there is no comforting us right now. It's such a deep permanent sadness but I'm just thankful that you understand how I feel and without even being together in person, you all show more sensitivity than most people. Others don't have a clue as to what has happened to us emotionally. Insensitive and self absorbed or they just don't care.I don't know. Can't people see how much we're suffering. Lisa, Melina and I are living hard lives RIGHT NOW. No children, single older women who lost wonderful husbands that we loved dearly. Days ahead don't look good but we keep trudging along alone. Show us some mercy and compassion World!!!!

I spend some weekends at my sister's with my nieces because they are great and they give me my only purpose for living. If I decided to not go on living it would destroy them and I don't want anything to hurt them ever. Lisa, Melina, I know there are people that give you purpose too. You're both too special and there are people who would miss you dearly.I know I would miss you.

I had a little breakdown at work today. A girl walked by in the hallway and said to someone... "para donde vas?" which in Spanish means "where are you going? Simple question and in south Florida lots of people speak Spanish....but "para donde vas?" is also a song by one of Tommy's favorite New Orleans bands, the iguanas. I thought about it and tears began to stream down my face. I had to go outside and get some air, I couldn't stop crying. I just miss him so much. I loved him so much.

Thank you all for being so open and honest with your feelings. I don't know if we'll ever stop crying but I hope there is a little happiness left in our lives someday.

Jun 16, 2013
To T and all the ladies.....
by: Melina

Dear T and all the ladies,

I am glad you wrote again T. We have exchanged emails too so we have another avenue to stay in touch. Scroll back and you’ll find mine and Nirmala’s.

I spent most of the weekend stuck in my normal positon on the couch crying my eyes out. My eyes are almost purple. I keep asking for my beloved to come and get me. To not leave me behind.

I am not finding a way to get beyond the missing him part. I simply cannot see myself living without him. I have friends and one brother who keep wanting to pull me out of the hole I am in and all I want to do is keep my head below the rim. I do not want to be the person I will need to be without my beloved. It would be like living in the middle of Ethiopia or in the Siberian tundra. Life would be just too hard. I don’t want to live a hard life. Not one where I don’t have my husband to help me.

All the decisions that need to be made are huge. The stimuli around me is too overwhelming. I’m living a bare existence. Tomorrow will begin the 21st week since my beloved died and everyday is more painful than what I ever could have imagined getting to this point. I will not live like this. I cannot. I am tired of being a non functioning human being. I was so happy. So content. And then lightning struck. I know life is not peaches and cream but this is way over my head.

Sorry to be a downer. I struggle daily to try to get my intelligent head to find a place to take my emotional mental state for a rest and it never wins. Guess I’ll go to bed and try to find a reason tomorrow to work. Right now the only reason I can find is to keep this place afloat until I can sell it because of the love and labor we put into it. After that my plans are …….none.
Love,
Melina

Jun 16, 2013
To dear "T"
by: Lisa

Dear T,
No, I haven't stopped posting; I haven't been feeling well. The biopsy came back OK, but I have to repeat the sonogram this coming week.

I am confused because, my Lyme test (do you know what Lyme is: if not, it's from a tick bite, and we have lots of deer here right on my land, and I had been working outside 4 weeks ago, doing a lot of things I should have not been doing trying to keep up what Hugo did so well.

I had the typical rash, but with pain, burning.
The doctor's nurse had the test done--negative, but they come back negative if your body didn't make the antibody to Lyme yet. So, I don't know what I had. The breast surgeon put me on antibiotics which were brutal to my stomach, etc.
Now, I have had joint pain, and last night (Saturday night-June 15, I had a terrible pain behind my left shoulder toward the "wing" area on my right side. Could not sleep.

Without my Hugo, I was so lost, scared with all of this. I cry all the time. Went to the cemetery, even though I was exhausted, and it is a 3 hour trip going and coming. But I was determined to see him and my Dad who is buried there--and of my Mom and Aunt. Sad, miserable, and feeling lousy. I miss him so much that I often question how I will lasst much longer without him. There is a big hole in my heart, and emptiness in my life that will never change, never. I hate this whole thing; I'm still sad, angry, fearful, worried, and want him to come home.

I am sorry I'm of no help, but I can't lie to you.
I do not know what will turn us around--for me, I don't think anything in the future will turn my sorrow around or lessen it. He was me, I was him.
Too much to cry over.

I will pray for you. And I will try to write--I just felt so sick. Love, your friend forever,
Lisa

Jun 15, 2013
Lisa
by: T

Lisa,it's been a few days. I hope your health is improving. I think about you and pray for you to start feeling better. The loneliness sure doesn't help anything. Hopefully your family reached out to you this week.

Neither you, Melina or I have children so this weekend is just more sad days for us but for the rest of the ladies I'm sure Father's day is a heart wrenching time.I feel sad for them and their children. I hope they can focus on only happy times with their Dads.

In 2 weeks it will be 3 months since Tom passed away.Even though I feel more reassurance that our husbands are all happy, healthy and in a better place I still cry a lot, Fridays are still exceptionally terrible and I'm still afraid of the future.

Summer in South Florida in the evenings there is a sweet smell of flowers mixed in the balmy ocean breeze. The nights are moon lit and the seas are so calm like a lake. I think about wonderful times in the Keys , Naples or just sitting outside together here at home. My "life" is over I just exist now. I'm so lost without him. It is so horrible that we all feel this way. I hope that there is some happiness left for us someday.

Where is everyone? Has the group stopped posting here? I need you all. No one else fully understands what we're going through.

Jun 12, 2013
To "T" June 12, 2013
by: Lisa

Dear T, Your message is well intentioned, however, I am in a very bad place now because I have been ill, took antibiotics which I hate to do, and now I feel exhausted, sicker in my already sick stomach, and depressed because I am going through this without Hugo. He'd have comforted me, and he's gone. I asked him and God to help me, I have even asked both of them to let me come to them for I do not think I can cope with this knawing paing that I can't even describe any more. My family doesn't give a d---
about me--they don't understand, have no compassion, and quite frankly, it is very unkind because of all the people in the family, everyone looked up to my husband because he was so ethical, kind, generous in every way, and a gentleman. Why they are doing this is beyond belief. I seem to think perhaps they were very envious of our love story, and I hate to say this, but people are deceiving, and it is showing now.

I'm going through anger and disappointment in life as well--asking why us? Why now? Why him?
He loved me and life, and he really struggled with the cancer, but hid a lot of it until he could no longer hide it from me; he would put off taking his morphine, and that made it worse--timing is everything, but he tried to avoid it--it was so unlike him to take a drug like that because Hugo didn't drink--only maybe l or 2 drinks at a wedding or any other celebration.
If we went through a bottle of "gifted" wine in a month or two, that was a lot.

I hurt from him because even tough I am supposed to believe he is happy and well in Heaven, I still think that he misses me and his home and life here. I really do think that, and it depresses me more.

I will not go to therapy. Just talking to them on the phone to feel them out was annoying me--it was all about"I don't take insurance, but I'll submit your claim." I know I'm not doing well alone with all of this tremendous grief, lonelines, but I can't even get myself to go out unless I have to. I hate my life without him.
People say, it's going to lessen, no, not for me, they don't know me--I don't let go of anything in my life--as a child, I would re-wrap my gifts on Christmas night or on my birthday at the end of the day. This is my husband's life that is gone, so I can't let go at all.

I do appreciate your concerns and prayers. Love, Lisa

Jun 12, 2013
Years of Love
by: T

Lisa please take care of yourself. You know without a doubt that is what Hugo wants.He most certainly doesn't want you to suffer. I know that focusing on positive energy is easier said than done for most of us but please know that I'm sending some your way.

I keep putting the therapist appointment off but it might help with the guilt issues. I think we, who lost our husbands to cancer, all suffer from guilt, feeling that maybe we could have done more to try and eliminate the cancer. Nothing in the world, means more in life than the many years we loved and cared for our husbands. The courage we showed as we hid our fear. The deep compassion we felt when they were feeling sick. That is love and that is all that really matters in the end. Our husbands were truly loved by us. Try to stop the feelings of guilt and I'll try too.
Love,T

Jun 11, 2013
to: "T"
by: Lisa

Dear "T", So, Tom made the heart-shaped cloud for you--you see. He an get through to you and I'm happy for you. I have nothing from my husband, but I've been stressed with health issues, all caused by my crying, not eating at after he died, and probably compromised my immuned system letting in an overgrowth of candidiasis. Lots of doctors don't believein it, so I have been searching for a good holisitc dr. who can help me, in NY. I see so much on the internet, don't know what to believe. There are a lot of articles about this and that causes cancer, and how these "natural" remedies can cure cancer.
So then, I get so upset that I missed trying this for my husband. I get the guilt back even though I tried my best, and took him all over for possible surgery-no--and for opinions. I hated the fact that he went so soon, and that I could not do anything. The more I read, the more I blame myself because these people who write on the web pages say that even an infection could have caused cancer. Well, don't we all hve infections at one time or another--like strep. Even my friend had Hep B, and people say that causes cancers. This all makes me stressed even more. I miss him so much; and I am in the anger stage of my grief--angry he is gone and I can't get him back.

I'm glad about the heart. Good for you.

Love, Lisa

Jun 11, 2013
A real sign.
by: T

Thursday 6/6/13 driving across town after work during tropical storm Andrea. It was a downpour, scary weather but as I drove west to my sister's, the rain started to let up and I could see the sunset. Clouds were moving so very fast across the sky. I was sad, per usual, missing Tom, on the verge of tears. I looked up at the sky and remembered Lisa once saying to ask for a heart in the clouds, so I did.

Out loud I said "Come on Tommy please try to give me a heart in the sky so that I know you're happy, safe and in a better place, PLEASE! Make me a heart Tom! If anyone can do it, you can. Please do it for me!! I need to know!"

I drove for a few more miles periodically glancing up at the sky and started to get discouraged, of course. Then I looked at a patch of clouds directly in front of me and as the wind changed the shapes, I thought, is this it? Is this going to turn into a heart, Tommy? I looked up again and IT DID!! I looked and then I looked again. A heart was right in front of me! I looked closely just to make sure I wasn't imaging it. I felt happiness for the first time in months. I haven't told anyone about this, because they won't care or be as happy about it as all of you. A perfect V at the bottom and 2 half circles on the top and even though the wind was blowing the clouds around, the heart remained together, long enough for me to confirm what I was seeing. Other cloud formations fell apart but not the heart, it moved but remained a heart. When I got to my sisters house I looked up at the sky again but it was gone. I still felt happy because I know I saw it for sure! I then thought about how excited I would be to tell all of you about it. It felt like a confirmation that our husbands are safe, happy and healthy again.
I've received other signs but none as re-assuring as this one because Tom answered me.

Love,
T

Jun 07, 2013
To: anonyous, can't go...
by: Liz

I do not have any answers either; I am sorry to say that I have felt this way, and to some extent manyof us who write on here have. Whether it has been a week, a month, a year, or more, we will always suffer the same way--time doesn't exist when you have lost your spouse--it rumbles by, you watch from the inside looking out, but you don't want to participate in anything joyful, and I hate crowds. I just do what I have to, go home, and sometimes I write here, or use email, or I write letters to my husband.

I am not going to lecture you because then I'd be a hypocrite because I have many thoughts of just trying to figure how to go on, and how not to.

I'm sorry if I've failed you, but I am failing too. Love, Liz

Jun 07, 2013
To Nirmala
by: Liz/Lisa & all

Yes, Nirmala, it is true, the common denominator is loss and a feeling of not the same "security"--our hearts hurt, and we are faced with problems that were not a big deal before all of us lost our husbands. I never worried about so many things, but I am responsible for my home, just like the rest of everyone here, and today I'm dealing with a leaky kitchen sink faucet; a storm window that I cannot close, and gutters outside that need cleaning because this rain has no where to go.

Life was stressful because I had my ill Mom on my mind; but at least I still had my husband by my side. Now, even though I was stressed over her, and she is gone, I realize my life was actually good and I was always grateful.

However, I'm usually angry and sad, and worried.
That's my input for the day.
Love to all, Lisa

Jun 06, 2013
spelling
by: Melina

Anonymous,

Sorry wrong spelling on email address. Drop the "s" on treasures.

Melina

Jun 06, 2013
To anonymous~ because........
by: Melina

Anonymous,

I can hear your cries. I don’t think any of us have any particular answers. Each of us write on here hoping that someone else has done something or knows something that will help with the pain. Personally I am at five months and all I do is drag myself through a day. Your question is one that each of are asking ourselves every day. I get a few hours during a week where I can detach from the anguish and then I slump back into the hole and live there for the rest of the time.

My problem is that I have no children, don’t believe in any gods and so I struggle with how to explain why and what I am supposed to do with being left behind. I don’t want to be here. I want to leave too. Yet it takes as much courage to end it as it does to live it so I am conflicted as to which way is the best. The only people who understand the depth of the grief are those of us who are dealing with it. Everyone else whether they care or not can’t advise. Problem is sometimes neither can we.

Feel free to write outside this blog to my email address that is one I use for outside the norm emails Losttreasures4sale@gmail.com if you feel you want to write more of your pain. Some of us here communicate this way as well as the blog. Can’t say I can help as I am in your same position but maybe having another outlet will be of help.

I wish for you some kind of calm for at least the next few hours. It seems like at times that is all we get.

Love,
Melina

Jun 06, 2013
All the ladies
by: Nirmala

The common denominator is so true, looks like all of experience similar problems on a daily basis. My shower developed a leak and I cannot get myself to call the plumber and spend a few hundred dollars for a small problem. My husband would not have fixed it but he would have had no problem spending the money. It is such a scary world, so many expenses. I still have not gotten my lawn mowed. What a life, everything was perfect six months ago and I did not even realize it. A family of four is suddenly a family of three.

Jun 06, 2013
CAN'T GO ON, PLEASE HELP ME
by: Anonymous

i LOOK AROUND AND I SEE EVERYTHING THAT BELONGED TO BOTH OF US, AND ALL HIS THINGS, AND I AN'T GO ON ANY MORE. I AM AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING, DON'T WANT TO SIN AGAINST GOD AND MY HUSBAND WOULD THINK I GAVE UP, AND WOULD WANT TO BE STRONG, NOT LIKE THIS. BUT HOW DO I LAST ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER 5 OR 10 MORE IF I CAN'T EVEN LAST 9 MONTHS AND COUNTING?

I AM ACTUALLY RUNNING IN MY MIND HOW TO LEAVE. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. I AM SCARED, SICK, ALONE, MISS HIM TO THE POINT OF I WANT TO TAKE MY CHANCES AND FIND HIM. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM DESPERATE FOR ANSWERS. ANONYMOUS

Jun 05, 2013
To "T"
by: Liz/Lisa

Dear "T"

I haven't written for a few days because I've had health issues. First, I want to say, I, too, am so afraid, especially now with a lot going on and I don't have my one and only true friend and support system--my Hugo. He is gone, and this week, I have not only been very sad, as usual, but very, very angry.

My Hugo, like your Tom, was Mr. Fix It; even as you said when he was sick or too tired. If I had a problem in the house, I'd call him, and when he got home, instead of even changing from his suit, he'd go to the problem and analyze it, and then fix it without eating his supper first. He fixed my heart too when people were bad to me.

We are alone, I don't care how many family members, friends, etc., we have, when you lose your husband, you just can't replace that love with friendship or any kind of care.

I have none from my family anyway--long story, but the truth and nothing but the truth is that Hugo and I treated them very well; and because Hugo and I, my parents were able to stay in their home until each one passed away--due to our efforts--we lived the farthest, but I was there supervising the home care, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, some from our money. And if there was a leak and a bad toilet, or any other problem in their house, Hugo fixed it. All his life he did for me and them.

So, he is missed beyond explanation, and I do not like to go to those dark places and say I can't go on, but I really don't feel like it.

I will not discuss the health stuff here; but if you ever get my email through Nirmala, then I will tell you. My week has been sheer he--.

I pray for you too. Love, Lisa

Jun 05, 2013
Afraid of the future
by: T

This is our common denominator, being afraid of the future. Whether we have kids or not, we're facing life alone, without our beloved husbands. It's not just sadness beyond belief but it's frightening. I miss my Tommy because I loved him so very much but I also needed him. He was the man of the house who took care of everything. I could always count on him to resolve any issue even when he was feeling sick. A true Mr. Fix It and always calm and confident like a real man. The only thing he wasn't able to fix was the evil cancer but my sweetheart surely did try, for 3 years he fought it.

I didn't think he was going to die. Some call it denial, I call it hope and true love. Like most of you, some days I still consciously think he's just away temporarily and that he'll be home soon. I am alone and scared of the future and that's the truth. I pray every day for God to guide us and protect us all: Elisa, Melina, Nirmala, Jenny, Anonymous, myself and my Mom who is also a widow, 79 years old and a 7 year breast cancer survivor.


Jun 03, 2013
Melina - too much...
by: Liz

Dear Melina

I hope the truck can be fixed. I know you're tired. I can share my day with you 5 doctors, including a breast surgeon. Will talk about it in private. My husband was really missed during today's trauma. He'd have been holding my hand.
I cried all day. Was out from 7:45 am to 5:30pm.
Very tired, cried out, and worried.

Sell the house, as hard as it will be, but please don't give in, give up. Take it from me who has put those things in and out of my head for my husband--he tried to survive. He knows exactly what I mean because he saw and heard everything today

I'll write tomorrow. Love, Liz

Jun 01, 2013
too much....
by: Melina

I’ve had some tough going in the last week and today I almost took the step I have contemplated. After a week of pressure deadlines at work and working way beyond what my state of mind can handle I thought I would try to slow down and take most of Friday off. When I went out to my little truck Friday afternoon to go to the bank I found my evil neighbor who was a good part of the stress that made my husbands cancer worse had sliced three of my four tires. We’ve had ongoing issues with them for years as it is a rental and the landlord could care less. I am now $425 lighter and with no way to prove who did it. The reason? I had parked in front of their house on a city street because all the space in front of our house were full. Normally I would have pulled into our driveway but I was going to take the other car out the next day and many times they park their cars so I can’t get out of the driveway so I figured I’d park my truck so I didn’t have that problem. NEVER have I parked there before. They’ll get theirs. Guaranteed.

SO I had it towed and three new tires put on. Now the front end is shimmying when I go around corners. I took it back and they claim they did nothing other than change the tires. I’ll have to deal with this now.

Needless to say I am worn out. I am crying at every obstacle and can’t continue to get beat back like this. At least when my beloved was alive we would face the evil, disrespectful problems together. I just don’t have the energy to keep at this. It’s too much. Too overwhelming. I ended up having to bike the mile or so to get to the tire store because I couldn’t find a ride and they closed at 5. Not unusual in the past but today I can hardly pump the pedals.

I showed the house today and they have emailed they are ready to make an offer. I have one other person to show it to tomorrow and I had a person waiting in the wings that was waiting for his wife to come look at it. So it looks as though I am going to be dealing with a big blow soon. If I drop out of here ladies it will have become too much. Too much to do. Not saying I will but I have minimal energy.

Monday will be five months. Five months of being disconnected from what I wanted to live for the rest of my life. How will I go on? I’ve been asking that for months and still have no answer.

Jun 01, 2013
Jenny
by: Nirmala

Not a problem my kids are only two years apart, they went to the same schools till now. My daughter was interested in medicine but she changed her mind, now she wants to be a psychologist. My son is another story, I am not sure what he wants to do. He was talking about law a while back now he talks about sports journalism, so I have to wait and see. But at the very least he will get a decent education. He was a very good gymnast, he was a state champion a couple of years ago. If nothing else gymnastics has made him a better person.

Jun 01, 2013
To Jenny, Nirmala, Melina, T, and all...
by: Liz

Here I am again writing because even though every day is horrible and sad, today, Saturday, June 1 is the worst. I don't know why, but I am super depressed today, missing my husband, and not wanting him to be gone from this life here on earth. I am frustrated; I call my home a house of horrors because everywhere I turn I see horrors of this life without him.

To make it worse, it doesn't cross people in my family's minds that here I am alone, in this so different horrible life to bear with hardly any strength or reason.

Sorry I am so down, but sometimes it just can't get through my mind that he is gone. I hate it.

Love to all, and I hope this weekend for you isn't like mine. Liz

Jun 01, 2013
Nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear nirmala, I am sorry I misunderstood your post about the graduation, I thought it was your daughters, so congratulations to your boy, it's a huge effort for all of you. What is he going on to study, going to follow in his Dads career. I hope it is a good day for you
Love jenny

May 31, 2013
Liz nirmala T Melanie
by: Jenny

Dear Nirmala,, congratulations to you and your daughter on her graduation, you have every right to be so proud, of course it is sad that her Dad will be absent, but your faith is strong and I think you will feel his presence. Dads and daughters have a special connection. Thinking of you all. It's a good thought volunteering at the library often something can come of that.
Melina I hope you are a little better, have you decided to sell your house, mine has been on hold for a few weeks now but I think I will take it off the market, I think I jumped too soon and I panicked the day the for sale sign went up. Unfortunately I have to still pay the upfront fees, so think carefully..
Lisa, I hope the weekend is not too hot for you, be careful in the garden, don't overdo things,
The other side of the city is badly flooded, so much rain has fallen it caused chaos at the international airport, just hope it doesn't come this way, it is raining but not so heavy. I couldn't handle being flooded out again.
Love to all Jenny

May 31, 2013
Nirmala (re: Graduation, etc.)...
by: Lisa

Dear Nirmala, I already wrote my sentiments to you about your dear son's graduation day. My heart sends him and your daughter and you my sincere congratulations, and also I will be thinking about you that day knowing how you are feeling without your dear Sujit. If I drove, I would come to keep you company, but you know when I go to that area, I take the bus, etc. I hope you get to go to lunch with the family. As I told you, it is my belief your husband will be alongside all of you on that day.

I thought about fostering, but I am too old to do it and I really don't think a child would be comfortable with me now because of my sadness, and how I feel about my husband's passing.

I told you I would help you with a resume, or I will even try to ask anyone I know in that town I used to come from about a job. My friend works in the school system, in the office, and I will ask her.

I hope you received my messages I sent today (May 31.) I'm with you on that day and whenever you need me to write to, etc. Love, Lisa

May 31, 2013
Lisa, Jenny, T, Melina
by: Nirmala

I was very sad to read all your posts, I have been feeling down since some people do not even care to call or wonder what happened to us. I saw my husband's friend in a store the other day, he realizes I have lost substantial weight. After he mentioned this to his wife, she calls. She only calls if she needs something.
My son is graduating high school this Saturday, hopefully I will be a big mess. One saving fact is my husband was in india when my daughter graduated 2 years ago. At that time he had offered to change his ticket and I had told him not to bother since there were going to be many more graduations for her. My sister in law will be working, so she suggested I take my mother and her daughter for the graduation and then meet them somewhere for lunch. Not a bad idea. My Florida sister was planning to come but I told her not to come just for a weekend.
The three of us are truly alone, but like I keep telling myself I am very happy my husband was with me for 23 years. We fought but we also loved and like him I have no regrets as far as those 23 years are concerned.
It is true the kids are helping me move on in life, but for my Sujit's sake I have to move on with my regular life. I don't want another guy in my life. But live I have to till I die.
When I start feeling up to it, I would want to use my life for somebody or something that needs me.
Lisa, you had mentioned fostering a child, if you do not want the responsibility I am sure volunteering just for a couple of hours would make you feel a lot better. I am thinking of volunteering in my library, but for very selfish reasons. I need a job.
All of you please take care, there are going to be some good days ahead too.

May 30, 2013
May 30....
by: Melina

Dear T, I swallowed hard when I read your note just now. I come to this site hoping I am going to get some revelation, some answer to how. How is just such a big word. Why is another big one. I know there aren’t answers. Just empathy. But how can I live on empathy?
I am so torn up inside. I just cannot see the light. Just can’t. I am going on nineteen weeks since the death of my beloved and I am struggling every day. I too wake up in the morning and cannot believe that I am facing another day without him. It is indescribable what the feeling is. I just cannot see continuing to do this day in day out. Time is an anchor. It is dragging me along the bottom while the boat of life is going full steam ahead.
Like you my job is now meaningless. And mine used to feel like a really good job. It’s ridiculous that the intent of our lives is so wrapped up in such minutiae when we are in a happy place and then when it really counts we are just adrift with no intention left at all. I am too pragmatic and I know that I am not going to put up with this lack of connection to my beloved. Even reading Nirmala’s words which I think are extremely valuable I cannot bring myself to feeling any sense of obligation just an extreme sense of isolation from everything. I just can’t go to that philosophic place and help myself.
I go from one thing to another distracting myself. That way I don’t have to concentrate on what I am feeling. Problem is distraction is not living and I know that. Then when I have to put everything down and face what my reality is I crumble.
When I cry I keep saying “someone help me” but I know there is nothing that is going to help where I am. I am 61 years old with a family history of Alzheimers. I might live to be 90 in great health or 70 and lose my mind tomorrow. Either way I am going to be thinking of my husband every moment of every day and that in itself is too overwhelming for me to deal with. I see no reason to prolong what is going to be the inevitable at some point. I’ve lived the life I wanted to have and it all had to do with my beloved. I’ve had enough. Each day becomes an affirmation of that.
Death has beat me up and I don’t have any strength to fight back.
Melina

May 30, 2013
To: "T" - re 60 days
by: Lisa

Dear "T",

I hate the number 29, my Hugo died on July 29th, so that number is one that you and I hate.

Thanks for saying you'd have driven me to the cemetery. It is a long trip, lonely, many times I talk to myself (actually to Hugo and God to keep my feet going, as I'm afraid of dying on the way to see him (or just his stone). It's gray, with a heart, and inside the heart is a cross. On each side are flowers -- all engraved into the stone. At the bottom it says, "Two hearts are One." I hate seeing his name, etc. on that headstone, it's like I can't believe it. I also put a photo of him on the side. You can see him smiling as soon as you get to his grave. On top of the stone is a crystal cross. I, with help from my friend, made a garden, and everything is blooming. There's a little angel and big angel inside the garden.

It's only 12 noon, and there is too much of a day left to think, cry, wonder, ask, and feel alone, lonely, and frustrated, and yes, angry, I'm angry for losing him

So, may God give you and me strength to carry on one more day today, and for how long we can endure all of this pain and separation too.

Love, Lisa

May 30, 2013
60 days
by: T

Tommy passed 2 months ago today, the 29th of March on Good Friday at age 53. To me, it feels like the other night. I've read the same comments from most of you, probably because the pain and sadness is so raw and embedded in our hearts and souls. The first thing I think about every morning when I open my eyes is that Tommy is gone. I will never see him here on earth again. Every day is like an endurance test.

I miss him so much. I miss the love and happiness.
I am grateful to have you all here on this website because no one else truly understands what we are going through every single day. They just don't know!

Elisa. If I lived near you I would've definitely driven you to the cemetery on Memorial Day!
Melina. It's nice that your employer is sympathetic and understanding. I work in the corporate fashion industry. I'm surrounded by the young, shallow and beautiful. Not much compassion for this old, sad, tragic sole that I am. My situation is foreign to them, not relevant. I honestly don't know how I go to this stressful job everyday. Do I just keep working until I die too? My life is so meaningless.
Nirmala. Thank you for saying this: "Since all of us received such love in our lives we are obligated to spread it around. I will honor my husband." I am looking desperately for some purpose to my life and your comments rang true for me.

I pray every day for God to give us all the strength to go on living, especially those of us who do not have any children and are facing the future alone.
T

May 29, 2013
Anonymous
by: Lisa

Dear anon, Why haven't you written back to us. We worry about you because you are suffering as we are, and we know what it can do to our hearts, heads (minds). Please let us know you're OK.

May 28, 2013
To Praying For you..anonymous
by: Lisa

To the person who signed the name Praying for You, Anonymous,

We pray for you too. Sorry your husband passed away at work, without you by his side. Most of us have not had the experience we so would have wanted as bad as it is. My husband passed away in my arms after a battle with pancreatic cancer. He kept holding on until I said it was all right to go, I'd be OK (lie), and to go to God, the light, my parents, etc. waiting for him. He then took his last breath,but before it happened it was 5 hours of torture to watch him hang in there.

Your husband was young, but I don't look at age--mine was 64 and a very young-looking, energetic man until this crept into his body. I buried him looking old, thin, and worn out. But he had a peaceful look on his face, almost a smile like he always had for me.

This is our site for comfort, comradarie and to say what we feel, exactly the way we wish, even if we go deep and let out our inner feelings.

I used the name Liz, but then I said I will use me name Lisa. That's who I am. A lot of people use anonymous, and that's OK too. I understand their reason.

Please write again if you feel the need and if you find comfort, or just to speak up, it helps you and us too. At first, I didn't let all my emotions come out on this site, but then I decided to and that's how you find out you are not the only one thinking and feeling so despondent. After I wrote it out, others wrote similar things. It's therapy by internet. I won't go to the in-person ones.

So, we pray for you. Love, Lisa

May 28, 2013
To Nirmala & Melina
by: Lisa

Nirmala, I wrote to you yesterday. Good luck today. It is 3:45 a.m., getting ready for that trip to the cemetery. I read about your dream, that I interpret to mean that Sujit came in your dream to say that he said good-bye. Believe me.
Thank you for writing about the men and women who suffered for our country. Love, Lisa

Melina, we communicated, but I just saw your response to my tribute to my soldier, Hugo.
Thank you. Must go, will write later. Difficult trip, one I made with him by car to visit others there. Now, I visit him, leaving in the dark to enter the darkness of misery. Love, Lisa

Jennifer, I will write later, you know where I am.
Love, Lisa

May 27, 2013
to Anon "will read your notes...."
by: Melina

Dear Anon,

I know exactly what you are feeling. Exactly. Unbearable. I am now at four months three weeks and nothing has gotten better. Maybe a bit less crying but not by much. I can't manage to function outside of the sofa that I sit on at home and for the few hours at work I barely can make it through a couple hours before I have to break away because the anxiety gets so bad.

I don't have any answers. I keep trying to find any. I am eventually going to run out of energy to write here as I can only express my anguish so many ways so many times. In the meantime I am writing a will.

Take care the best you can.

Love,Melina

May 27, 2013
To: The Lord Is My Strength-Anon-my 2ndmessage today to you
by: Lisa

5/27/2013 12 afternoon,
Dear The Lord Is My Strength, Anonymous,

I forgot, because of my not feeling well, to acknowledge how proud I am of the great legacy your husband left behind--the love, assistance he gave and saved many lives doing it no doubt.
This web page isn't about me, thougt at times it may seem that way because I keep crying about how I feel; it's about our husbands, and that certainly includes your "Bubba." I wish he were alive now to counsel me, to help me, and to make me understand what my purpose is now. You are doing his work with his guidance and blessing.
Thank you. Don't think I am selfish and a whiner, I am not, I'm just jotting down my emotions, and I am not able to cope with Hugo's death and this separation after 46 years knowing him as teens. Please understand me and my heart.
I've made a lot of friends here, some I have gotten close with, this page is my comfort zone.
Love, Lisa

May 27, 2013
Memorial day wishes Hugo and others
by: Nirmala

A salute to all the men and women that fight for our country without thinking about their payback. Very few professionals sacrifice knowing the dangers that they are to bound to confront.
I had a dream last night, my husband was getting ready with a suitcase and when I asked him where he was going, he told me that he did not know where he was going but he was leaving, but then he was feeling tired so he was going to take a nap for 15 minutes and then leave. If there is a god I hate him, my husband left me without even telling a goodbye. Poor thing probably thought he was just falling asleep. I need to go to the court first thing in the morning tomorrow, I have a hearing for all the violations from the buildings department. Tomorrow I also need to decide when i will be able to take my kids to visit my sister's family in Florida. My brother in law offered to buy our tickets, thankfully I have very nice people around me. I will never make use of anybody's generosity but is is nice to see people do care.

May 27, 2013
Memorial day
by: Melina

Lisa,

Beautiful. Stunning. An heartfelt honorarium to a man who now must speak to you from behind the veil of reality.

You two were so in love, so deeply in love. That was the most breathtaking memorial to the man of your dreams that I have ever read on this day, a day of memories for soldiers.

I am speechless.

Take care this day and all days.

Love,
Melina




May 27, 2013
Memorial Day to my Husband, Hugo, my Babe, Soldier
by: Lisa

Dearest Hugo, Today, I honor you, as I do every day because I am so proud to call you my husband. It is Your day today because as a very young boy, you bravely answered the command of duty when the United States Army drafted you, and then sent you off to a war we knew nothing about. Obediently, like the good American you were, proud of your country, you went and served, and thank God came home safe, after a year plus of battle, monsoons where you remained soaking wet in your combat boots and camouflage uniform for months on end. You missed me, and I worried about you so much. Apart we were, so young, and we somehow got through it.

Now, we are apart, and you are not coming home by plane back to me (I remember that reunion like it was yesterday). We hugged for a long time at the airport in New York. You were quiet, because of the war and all that you had to endure and witness, and we got to "know each other again."
Then we got married, stayed married for almost 44 years until you passed away from a vicious cancer called pancreatic cancer that spread to your liver; and I had to let you go, and you held on for me until you couldn't any longer. It must have been more painful than the war, fighting that insidious disease. You did it bravely, as you faced everything in your life.

At your grave, where many others should be too, I am, honoring you, and crying. Others are too busy at bargeques and clapping fake claps as they watch the parade of veterans--like they care about the veterans--maybe some people do, but not most of the bystanders there beginning their day of festivities. So you and I alone in the cemetary, quietyly speaking to each other.

I love you so much, I will miss you until the day I meet you again in God's Heaven. God bless you, my soldier boy, my babe, my great husband.
Elisa (Lisa) forever yours til....

May 27, 2013
Praying for you
by: Anonymous

Im sorry for your loss. I too just lost my husband. I've never felt such pain. He died of a sudden heart attack while at work. No goodbyes or last words. 50 years young. Surround yourself with friends and family. Stay busy and strong. I pray for peace in your heart that only God can give through his grace. We have no choice, we need to find the strength. Feeling your pain.

May 26, 2013
I WILL READ YOUR NOTES, BUT I STILL CAN'T
by: Anonymous

Thank you for trying to set me straight.
I can't do it, and I won't. If I can figure how to get lost from this unbearable trauma of death of my hubby, I would. Please don't feel like you failed; I just can't continue like this. I'm stressed so much that evey bone in my body hurts.
My heart is on fire with pain. Won't God understand my state of mind (depressed to the max), and my reasons? anon

May 26, 2013
To Melina - Staying Or Going
by: Lisa

Dear Melina,

I read your response to T, and I feel the same way. I have the logical reasons to sell like the high taxes, especially the school tax--we had no children, but for 25 years here we paid that high tax. Then there are the high heating bills each winter--last 4 years of high prices for oil have been brutal on the budget. Then, in summer, the electric bill skyrockets if the central a/c is put on. Last Summer, it wasn't too hot, and Hugo was home and feeling cold anyway from the chemo, etc.

Then there is the emotional side. We used to walk around this place in the spring and admire all the trees and things we put in ourselves many years ago, they were tiny then, and are full grown and beautiful now. All the statuary, and all the beauty he created inside with his molding, woodwork. I look at it and look away because it is too painful. Nothing means anything to me anymore without him here to share it, to discuss plans for our future. We would have been packing up this house together, and probably having a few spats about what gets trashed and what doesn't. I'm sentimental about a lot of things and can't part with them. I still have some things I have from my parents' home that should be looked through but I can't.

And, then, where do I go? Where do I run to? Where he is buried is where I grew up, but that place is so changed, crowded, no overcrowded, noisey and somewhat filled with insanely rude people. Yes, it's closer to him and easy to visit, instead of my 3 hour trip.

Alone, nothing is the same, and sometimes it paralyzes me regarding making any decision.
Just to disappear would be perfect.

So, I'm no help because I am in the same situation, and my home is very big to keep up inside--how long can I continue to clean it, and pray nothing breaks down. And the outside landscaping is costly from April to early October.
Life is never going to be the same again. Even with our problems, at least it was 2 of us facing them. Love, Lisa

May 25, 2013
Staying or going....
by: Melina

Dear T,

I suppose I could stay in our home if I wanted to do several things. One is I have to keep working to support it. Now that might not be such a bad move except that working is so hard anymore. I have really fine employers who have been extremely understanding of my situation. I get into the office some days by 10 or 11 or 12. I leave for an hour lunch which depending on what sleep I’ve had can stretch to 2 hours or maybe not go back in at all. Some days I work from home. Problem is while I work all I can do is think about my beloveds death. Especially when I am trying to get something really complex done and then the pressure inside me builds and I wonder why the heck am I doing any of this. It is so pointless.

Besides that, the taxes and wind insurance are just ridiculous anymore much less add in homeowners and then all the other expenses to just keep running this home for just me. The pool, the landscaping, the repairs etc. I just cannot see a good reason to stay and try to keep this going. Anymore than I can see a reason to keep me going.

Plus though it is a refuge on one hand it is a prison on the other. I am grateful to have such comfort that I am used to but the memories it holds are sometimes like smashing into a brick wall……over and over. The other night when it was pouring outside I went to the window to watch it and with the street lights glow and the force of the wind and the rain I just lost it. I knew how alone I was behind the glass. I actually went outside then and sat close to the edge of the porch hoping the lightning would find me. I just am not sure how I am going to continue this insanity.

I have places to go, people who care about me, but I am really conflicted about whether it is worth pursuing. I miss my husband soo much and with no children I kind of feel like there is no real reason to struggle against the wind. I question how much life is needing to be lived. Before my beloved’s death I would never have thought otherwise.

Another day, another missive. Where is the something that makes me live again?

Love, Melina

May 25, 2013
AO Claim News Update
by: Lisa

To all who cared about the denial from VA on my claim about agent orange: An update--lawyer who knew about my claim and denial is willing to take on the case, without me paying unless they win, and then they get the $ from the case, not me.
I doubt it will win because this has been tried by so many wives whose husbands died from pancreatic cancer and who served in Vietnam the same year as my husband did. But, the army did concede that my husband was indeed in the war zone, and exposed, so that's why the lawyer says he has a 50-50 chance of winning. The compensation will be very little, and the case may take 3 or more years, but I'm not doing it for the money; I am doing it to get justice for anyone who was exposed and is now dead maybe due to the chemicals that are very lethal and toxic. Didn't we lose enough men and women in that war in battle from battle-related deaths? On top of it our own soldiers, marines, navy, and airforce guys and gals were harmed by a chemical used just to clear out the woods to get to the enemy. All it accomplished was: our military killed during and now dead after the war, and even some dying now. So, I will let the lawyers fight on for all the Hugo's who took in that toxic waste while serving their country--most of them only 18, 19 or 20 years of age. A d--- shame.
Some legacy they ended up with.

Lisa

May 25, 2013
To: Anon, Melina, "T" 5/25/2013, Saturday 4:30 pm
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Anon, Like Melina said on this page, you have us here who have been to the darkest part of this tunnel of loss and separation from our beloved, devoted, cherished husbands, and most of us have not found any light, or maybe a flicker here and there, and then the darkness overshadows us, and the rain from our eyes falls, and the thunder in our hearts sounds off competing with the screams and crying we do. You are not alone, ever, as long as you keep visiting this page for us for support and comfort. Love, Lisa et al

Dear Melina, You gave anon good advice, honest words from your heart, and you admitted to her that you've been there, as I have too.
Love, Lisa P.S. I hope anon writes to your email address. Hope the moving process doesn't stress you out as much as you know it probably will, but once it's done, maybe you'll be able to cope with change little by little.

Dear T, Memorial Day last year, Hugo was alive and sitting in a chair inside the garage watching me wash our car. He was smiling, and I looked at him and said to myself, "I hope he's here for next Memorial Day." Well, he is not, just like your Tom isn't; and I, too, am alone. It's not Monday yet, and today, in NY where I live it feels like a day in November. The wind is blowing as though a hurricane is coming. I don't care, I'm not doing anything except trying to keep myself distracted, but every so often I look at Hugo's picture on my computer home page, and I tell him to get back home. Then, the tears fall, the heart starts hurting, the hollow feeling runs through my head, and I get drained from this terrible separation, change, and sadness.

I am not selling my house for a year or two. I can pay the bills, the upkeep of the property is expensive, but I'll get by; it's the property and school taxes that bother me a lot. But once my mortgage is done, I'll put that money aside each month, pretend it isn't there, and save it to pay the taxes.

I still have Hugo's last bottle of water on his night table. I can't throw it out.
So, I am definitely not ready to part with anything of his except old wood pieces in the basement and maybe some junk, but nothing personal, none of his tools, not now and maybe not for a long time.

I live very differently than we lived when he was working--not that we splurged--we always, for some reason, maybe our childhoods, lived below our means. Yes, we had nice cars, but we could afford them and never carried one cent of debt. Now I must watch my expenses because I hate going into the savings account which I have to do for the taxes. Also, I decided to go to an attorney just to get my estate planning done--I think that's important, however, he charged me a lot.

It is so frustrating at times to deal with this reality. And it is too bad we are all in different parts of the US. At least we have the internet.

Take care. Love, Lisa

May 25, 2013
Too hard on us..
by: Melina

Anon,

You sound much too much like me giving yourself some sort of timeline. I have a goal. Sell my house and make sure a will is written. At that point I am going to have to decide what next because without the home we shared the thought of starting over somewhere is just so overwhelming. I can’t think about it though until it happens.

Like you I am giving myself some sort of timeline but then I don’t know what/where my mind will be when that other change (selling our home) happens. I will say that getting ”out of here” is not as simple as it sounds. It also takes doing “something” that is hard to do. I’m sure you’ve thought about it as we who write here have but as long as you are still writing on here I want to believe that like me you might still have a thread of hope that somehow your husband will pull you back from a too early too soon exit. Or maybe like me you are trying both angles. Conflicted as he** and not wanting to do anything to help myself but not able to hurt myself either.

Do you have anyone besides those of us who are in your mental state that might be encouraging you to stay? It sounds as though you are taking care of business but not taking care of yourself. I know this because I am doing the same thing. Maybe an email address would help. I am now writing ouside this website to others and maybe it would give you a secondary channel to use if you wanted. Losttreasure4sale@gmail.com. This writing has been my lifeline for the moment. I have no one close by that understands the depth of what losing the one thing in life that meant everything to me so I try to understand where others are to help me understand where I am.

Otherwise know that each of us are suffering the same kinds of pain that you are and only by venting does it keep us halfway sane. Please use the email if it would help. I can’t blame you for feeling how you do because I would have to blame myself too. It’s just hard. Really really hard. The hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life. You too huh?

May 25, 2013
Homes
by: T

It makes me sad to read about any one of us selling and leaving the homes we shared with our wonderful husbands. For whatever reason, financial, emotional or too much work to maintain, it must be an incredibly difficult decision. Some of you may want to sell and I really hope the transaction goes as smooth as possible and is profitable for you. I am struggling to get rid of anything. A few weeks after Tom passed away I washed our clothes in the hamper, including my husband's, and then folded it and put it all away in his dresser. There is a box of nose strips on his nightstand and I pick it up every weekend and set it back down. I CAN NOT through it away. In my head I say to myself "he needs those to sleep!" I need help.

If any of you do decide to sell your home, I pray with all of my heart that God gives you the emotional strength to make it through this.I don't know but maybe a change might be good.

Since Tom's birthday is May 22, we always took vacations the week of Memorial Day. Now I'm alone with nothing to do. I miss my sweetheart so much I can't stand it. T

May 25, 2013
Done
by: Anonymous

After I finish up legal things, I'm out of here, and don't know how, but I can't stand all of this that we both loved:our house, everting in it, clothes, belongings, everything. I live here like a mechanical walking, talking, crying nothing. I hope that God forgives me and lets me into whereve he is and my husband. Anon.

May 24, 2013
To one and all that is grieving
by: Nirmala

Looks like when you are down, you are given more problems to deal with. What a scary world we live in, it is like you pick yourself and move with the world or you are left way behind. I for now am scared half the time not having my husband to take certain decisions for me. I am trying my best not to think too much so that I can still live. My little niece was mentioning to my daughter that everything will be better after 13 months, I don't know where she got that from, but I am willing to listen to anybody and everybody at this point in my life.
Since the kids are on their summer break, it is more depressing. We don't have anything particular to do. My sister was telling me I should check out some of the programs offered by the local library, maybe that will be a nice place to meet some decent people to talk to. Unfortunately I have not been able to make friends around my neighborhood.

May 24, 2013
To "T"
by: Lisa

Dear T,

Your message to Hugo overwhelmed me; thank you for thanking him for his service.

Did you read my mind today? I am like a piece of glass broken, smashed, not only by the one true, loyal person who loved me unconditionally with no excused--just from the heart, but by other people, some in my so-called. It seems I have to leave messaged, emails, and still they do not respond. When I ask why, they say, "I'm so busy at work." Lame excuse, and I tell them it hurts me that I am so alone, hurting, and need a familiar voice from them to comfort me. My love draws me to calling people in need; it seems their love is not there, had it been from inide their heart, I'd be called all the time without begging in reminders for a call.

I feel alone, and they are pushing me to the end of the edge with this disrespect, not showing love, and I should not have to beg or look for it.
I treated them so good; and now in my darkest hours they can't figure it out. They are not kids--in their late 20's.

This desperation is pushing me; but I can't discourage Hugo who would tell me to carry on, because he knew what I was in for...selfish, uncaring people who don't have our hearts--his and mine. Why did he have to die? Everything turned upside down, and I am alone, and feel so sad from that. I will try my best to carry on
for him because he tried so hard to fight that cancer and live to his last breath for me, he died worried about me because he knew I would not be able to count on anyone in this family he got to know as selfish, and non-caring only for each other, not us. It's not because we did a lot for them, it's the love we gave. But, it goes unrequited. I am more than torn to pieces.

What should I do? I think I know--take a hint, cut ties as much as I want some sort of family, or us keep taking this? I can't go on like this, I know that for sure. To feel unloved (they say I'm wrong) but they prove otherwise with their lack of calling, action. They appease me--I guess that's it. Until I die, and they figure they will get everything I own--what Hugo mostly and I worked hard for.

What do I do? God help me. Someone help me. My head tells me what to do, but I am afraid of making the final cut, and regretting. Do I take they the way they are? Or just take no one and be alone, but not disappointed and longing for what I will never get?

Thanks, T. Love, Lisa
PS If I had my own kids, they the others wouldn't be doing this to me, and I wouldnt care.
Hugo is grieving for me and angry with them, I know it. If I get to him, I'll find love again from him and my parents too.

May 23, 2013
Honor
by: T

Elisa Being denied the claim from the government is a painful injustice but please know that it does not take away any of the honor and respect with having served in the armed forces of the United States of America. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Hugo, for your service.

All of us are made of glass and we live with constant anxiety. We can't handle much more and feel that the next thing will break us into a million little pieces.I know I'm often afraid, afraid of my future alone, afraid of the never ending sadness but then I realize that the worst has already happened! Our beloved husbands & best friends are no longer with us.

I am so tired. Please God help us all, show us some of your mercy.

May 23, 2013
BAD NEWS..... TO ALL, I AM UPSET WORSE THAN EVER
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Friends to whom I write on here and who write back to comfort me, as I try to comfort you:

I just received my mail. I'm not sure if some of you know that my husband was in Vietnam and exposed to agent orange a poisonos toxin he was exposed to and more than likely caused his pancreatic liver cancer. However, the list of ailments they say are everything, except for pancreatic cancer. Many wives of veterans have placed claims with them, and have been denied.
I placed a claim, and today received a BIG DENIAL LETTER. SO, NO JUSTICE FOR HUGO.

I'm having a bad day missing him, and I worked so hard to put in this claim. I didn't want anything, just for them to admit that their lousy toxic chemicals killed so many veterans who have died from so many different types of cancer.

Love, Lisa

May 23, 2013
Jenny
by: Lisa

Dear Jenny, I'm not going to rely on this page during the weekend. I hope you will reply to my mail. Love to you and Kacey. Lisa

May 23, 2013
To Jenny and "T"
by: Lisa

Jenny, I think you aren't getting my emails . I didn't know about our son, I hope he remains very healthy for a very long time. Glad your friend apologized, but you're right, the ultimate stress is what we all have experienced. People who pick on petty little things like slow drivers, waiting in line at the supermarket, etc., are meaningless people who don't have a clue what is behind the corner so suddenly. Love to you and Kacey.

"T" I pictured you sitting in Tom's truck; I've done the same in my husband's car, in his basement full of tools, machines, nails and screws that could fill a small hardware store, and I very rarely can look at his jewelry box, his clothes. I run into the closet, get my things for the day, and run out. These things make me cry, and make me angry. I don't think the anger and the unacceptance that he is gone will ever go away. Yes, I'd love Naples, I was the first one to mention it as our next place to live. I've been to Italy, and a lot of Naples reminds me of my Dad's southern town and my Mom's southern town in Italy. Naples just seemed right for me and Hugo.

I'm glad in NY it will rain for the weekend because I will be home trying to make the time go by quickly.

The sadness, the reminders never cease. I used to think that Hugo would avoid cancer because he had no signs, didn't smoke, drink, or take anything, except maybe too much acetaminophen (tylenol with the aspirin and caffeine in it). I can't answer that, but I am supposed that all of it will be revealed to me in the afterlife.

Maybe what all of us need is to get our faith built up, keep mentioning our reunions in Heaven, and hold on to that. It won't take away the sting of loss and separation, but it may give us more hope that their bodies are gone, but they are with us. I have to be kept hearing that.

Tuesday will be better. I can't wait until then.
In fact, I wish I would wake up at age 70 or whatever age God has planned for me, and just fall asleep and then see Hugo again.
Love to all, Lisa

May 23, 2013
To Melina, 5/23/2013 Thursday morning
by: Lisa/Liz

Dear Melina,

I already wrote to you on your address, but I saw your additional note to all here on this page.

I said what I had to say. I know you are all cried out, and it will continue, as it does for all of us. The 25th of June and 4th of July, your husband's birthday, and your anniversary respectively, will be very difficult. I got through a lot of those: anniversary, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, My birthday right after Hugo's death. All painful, as every day is; it doesn't have to be a holiday or an occassion.

I don't know what your cryptic message here is supposed to mean by you know now what you have to do, but I already told you my feelings about it all.

I have been told to get help by people who I don't know well, and they have backed off from me. In fact, they probably did not like it when I asked them for help the other morning--so early, and I think Hugo would have told me not to call people so early, but I knew they were up for work, still I had no right. I think Hugo's death has made me want to nip every problem before it gets worse, and I get impatient--not good, people don;t like it. So, I am telling you, some people will gravitate away from you if you continue to say these things that are phrases we have to read in between the lines. you are an intelligent woman, and I am too, we all are. However, we are not thinking with our heads, only with our hearts.

My main problem is the anger about his death, and I think most of us here have that too.

I'll write later. Was out cutting more branches--never realized how much Hugo had to do and how much was on his mind trying to take care of our place. I miss him for everything he did, everything he meant to me and even this world, even if they didn't know him. I'm proud of him.
Love, Lisa

May 23, 2013
Lisa nirmala Melina & T
by: Jenny

Hi Lisa, reading about your sister is so sad, what is it with people, you think you know them, but you don't. I of course was the first one to try and resolve this so called problem with my girl friend, she did text back and apologised saying she was under stress, she doesn't know the meaning of the word, to my mind we have suffered the ultimate stress. Anyway we will see, I feel like just taking Kacey and disappearing.
Dear T. I just realised your Tom and my middle boy shared the same birthday, my boy at 31 had serious heart problems, diagnosed with cardiomyopathy, he was in hospital for weeks, had all the work up tests in case he needed a heart transplant. Luckily he didn't, we nearly lost him several times, he is doing ok now, but he is so previous to me. He is so like his dad he is so special, has that beautiful personality, just like all these men we fell in love with.
Melanie, I too found that eventually the uncontrollable frequent crying does slow down. Those special days wll be hard, you will probably find days before it is so heartbreaking, wish I had an answer to help. Please don't rush into any decisions about everything yet, maybe sometime with your girlfriend would be good, she sounds pretty special.
I wish I did live closer, maybe one day all you ladies will get the opportunity to meet.
Liz, Kacey is fine, sends a woof to you, I tell him he gets messages from this lovely lady in the USA.

It's 8.30pm Thursday here, this site still seems to be slow to me.

Lots of love
Jenny

May 23, 2013
Next day
by: T

Thank you so much for remembering my Tommy's birthday. It meant a lot to me today. I just don't want the world to forget about my sweetheart.

Today I drove his truck, put gas in it and had it washed. First time in months.He would be happy I took care of it. I remember the last time he drove it. He was sad, I could see it in his eyes that he was thinking about how long it had been since he had driven because he hadn't been feeling well. Cancer - the ugliest word in the world to me. I sat at the gas station crying, looking around the inside of the truck, at his things in the center console, remembering the day we bought it and how much he liked it, thinking about the road trips we took and how happy we always were to hit the road and go exploring. It was heart breaking to sit in his truck alone remembering how happy we were together.

Came home and then spent a beautiful, sunny,warm, breezy afternoon at the beach with one of my few friends who happens to live down the street from me. I don't see her often but I'm grateful to have her.

Elisa, I wish we lived in Naples, we just keep our boat there, it's a kinder, gentler place to relax. I live on the east coast of Fla in a small town called Surfside, just north of wild and crazy as can be, Miami Beach.

Tomorrow is another day without my Tommy.
God, help us all to go on living.

May 22, 2013
Another day and here I am
by: Melina

To all those who have lost their beloved husbands,

I don’ t know quite what to write anymore. I think I’ve covered it all. I miss my husband teribbly, I hate life, I want to die. Guess that about sums it up.

I’m not sure if I am numb or just all cried out but this is the first day I haven’t shed a tear ……..yet. I’ve got about five hours left. I think I know why. One is I have cried for four and half months straight. The more recent crying has been extremely intense so I think my body is trying to protect itself because the afterwards depletes me so thoroughly. Two, is I have become more certain of what I need to do. The first three months I was immobilized. Couldn’t see or do anything. Now I see what the future holds. I have actually been able to think through some things that I need to deal with and before I couldn’t form a thought. House, cars, furniture, antiques, art, cat and other things were holding me down because I just didn’t know what to do with them. I think I am finally coming around to being able to figure out the best way to handle all of it.

Tonight I am tired. I spent a long time on the phone last night with my soul sister and she is such a gift. She tries so hard to lift me up. I know the burden that I project to others and she has been the one that no matter how hard I push her away she comes back over and over. My husband knew and loved her as one of his best friends too. I wish I could start again. If I could I would go to where she is and live. I just can’t see myself making that kind of change to my life. My world has been rocked already with the worst change possible. I just don’t think I have it in me to try again. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish my beloved could remove the spell he put on me with his love just so I could live without this pain. At least until I can be in his warm embrace again with his love surrounding me.

Can you die of a broken heart? Yes. Absolutely. Am I dying of a broken heart? I think so. His birthday is coming up June 25th and then our anniversary right after on July 4th. I am already starting to prepare myself for those days as we always did something special because of how close the dates were together. Last year we went up to New Smyrna Beach for a vacation and I am not looking forward to reliving what was our last time together that wasn’t just everyday routine. We had so much fun just doing nothing. By then it will be 5 months plus and I am not sure how I will be able to stand up to the pressure. I’m still so fixated on what was I just don’t know if I’ll be able to take the feelings of what I cannot have anymore.

I think I better quit here. I’m getting too anxious at the moment. More of that happening lately with intense hot flashes and it’s very distressing.

Love,
Melina

May 22, 2013
To Jenny, P.S
by: Lisa (Liz)

Jenny, forgot this in my last message: Happy Birthday to your middle son. Love, Lisa

May 22, 2013
2ND MESSAGE TO T--THIS IS A P.S. TO MY LONG 5/22 MESSAGE TO YOU ON TOM'S BIRTHDAY
by: Lisa (Liz)

p.s. TO "T" I forgot to mention, and ran out of space on here, maybe some day (not now--I can barely go food shopping--I did today and broke down in the store, and broke down in front of my washing machine repairman--maybe I will get to Naples and see you. I will stay in a hotel, or we can stay in a hotel together--I'll pay.
We're gonna meet either on earth, or in Heaven because for some reason our 2 husbands put us together, just like Kenny put Jen and me together. I wish she weren't so far--but who knows what our futures will be. Nirmala is not far from me, and hopefully, she and I will meet on LI one day. Melina is in Florida--not sure where, but if she's up to it and changes her mind about her plans that I don't agree with, then she ought to come along too. (Long P.S.) Sorry.
Love, Lisa By the way, Hugo likes any kind of fish you catch, Tom.

May 22, 2013
To "T" with love...
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear T, I hope you saw my birthday blessings to Tom that I wrote a few days ago. I remembered the day because you had told us it would be coming up. You have a great idea about taking
Tom's ipod, with your favorite music you both loved, and going to the water--peaceful. Yes, if we interpret the scriptures, and other books I have read, Tom is fishing on any boat he wants.
Maybe Hugo is with him. The connection is this:
Hugo and I downloaded so many houses in Naples next to the water. We were going to sell our house this year--in June or July, and move to Naples. Never happended, and my heart aches (no, that's not a word--I must make up a word that describes the worst pain and sorrow in the world to feel. That's what I and you and we all are experiencing, with memories that we can't go to at times, photos we can't look at at certain times. And the pain of separation, shock, anger, and frustration. I am so frustrated--this is one thing Hugo couldn't fix. I hate that cancer, and I hate the fact that they don't know what causes it for sure, and how to detect it ahead of time.

So, "T" & "T" - how cute. You remember those first dating days, and so do I--for some reason, Hugo and I called each other "Babe" and hardly used our real names. In the 60's a lot of couples referred to each other as Babe. Maybe from Sonny & Cher--their song, "I Got You Babe."
Those were great days, nothing to be scared about, except when Hugo had to go off to that nasty war. But really, I cherish them the most.
After 25 years, things started to change---more stresses of life, older parents, illnesses, worries. No more carefree, smiling days.

So Heaven better be where they're at, and waiting for "T", me, and Jenny, Nirmala, Melina, and all the wonderful women who write here. By the way, I think I told you, I called my sister --the one who is 2 years younger than me--"Tee, and she called me Lee." We're separated now over stupidity and meanness of another sister. But that's another story I already told and it hurts.

Blessings again to Tom. If you see Hugo, Tom, tell him that I love and miss him and that I made friends with your wife. Thanks.
Love to all, Lisa

May 22, 2013
Jenny, 5/22, Wednesday 1:07 afternoon
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny, You are asleep and going into Thursday, and I'm at the afternoon on Wednesday.

I am so sorry that your girlfriend did that to you. I relate to that incident quite well because as I may have told you, my own sister screamed at me at Hugo's burial--as his coffin was being lowered to the ground. The cemetery personnel made us leave, and I didn't want to see such a sad sight of Hugo going below ground. So we went to our parents' grave which is about 100 feet or more from Hugo's. I got down on my hands knees crying, saying, "Hugo is gone, Mom and Dad." And the I pulled out some over rooted grass--like I always did with Hugo when we went to visit our parents' grave. My sister siad, "You are disrespecting our parents' grave, and on and on." Can you imagine--at my husband's burial.
After that, on August 9th, I went back because it was to be our 44th anniversary which he missed by 10 days. I visited Hugo, cried my eyes out, and then I went to visit my parents' grave. There, sticking out was a plastic-wrapped note for me: Don't you dare disrespect this grave again, Lisa.
Dated August 5, 2012 - 4 days before SHE KNEW I WOULD BE THERE ON THE 9TH. wHEN i saw that note, I almost passed out. I was with a friend. We wanted to call the police. I thought I had a heart attack. She has done things like that her entire life, and this is why I think my niece and nephew are sometimes close to me, and when their mother (my sister) acts up or makes up stories, they pull back. I lose either way. I have been tormented by this. You see, she knows tht I know a lot of things she has done, and I never told her children; but I made the big mistake to tell a friend of mine. My sister never liked this friend, but when Hugo died, I gave her the task to call her. It seems since then they talk, and maybe this friend who is miserable all the time--3 divorces, etc., maybe she told my sister things tht I said to her when I was angry. Usually, it takes my sister time, but she coughs it up to my face, and badgers me til I cry, and almost faint.
If Hugo were here, he'd give it to her good. He never interfered for my sake, but I don't know how he held in his temper when she harmed me so many years. We spent so much money of her kids, and they will inherit my home, etc., if and when I pass. But that's not enough. So, now for 5 days, no call from her--she is again punishing me for something. You would think that she should concentrate on her husband's illness now, and not get into petty, mean nonsense, but she does. She holds grudges like no one I know.
It hurts.
I'll write again after you reply. Love to you and Kacey who is snoring away. Love, Lisa

May 22, 2013
Lisa nirmala Melanie
by: Jenny

Hi Liz, haircut went ok, but other than that a miserable day,I went with my girl friend, and had the worse day. For some reason she was in a bitchy mood, and threw something up at me that supposedly happened years and years ago,, I thought I had a pretty good memory but I didn't have a clue what she was on about. I'm not hurt I'm beyond being hurt over petty things. I've had the biggest hurt in my life than I could ever have, losing Ken.
My middle boys birthday today, didn't see him because he is interstate, but we chatted for awhile on the phone, he was very close to his dad.
Nirmala good to hear you are getting on better, you seem to have a deep faith, something I don't seem to be able to regain, so that's good, keeps the children on course too.
Melanie, I hope you are rethinking things, we all go through that terrible feeling of utter despair, just keep eating and drinking, even a little is good, when Ken died I lost a lot of weight too, I never put it back on.
It's 9pm Wednesday, the last couple of days it hasn't rained, it has been nice and sunny, but who knows how long it will last.
Liz, Kacey is fine, is sleeping at the moment, he has a belly full so he's in doggy dream world, as usual hogging the electric blanket.
Love to all
Jenny

May 22, 2013
My husband's first birthday after his death.
by: T

It's 12:57 am. It officially my Tommy's birthday, May 22nd, he would've been 54. Yes we were T&T! This week last year we were cruising over the beautiful, pristine waters of 10,000 islands near Naples, FL on our boat. Tommy was feeling great, launched the boat no problem, loaded all the gear, filled the cooler with ice and drinks, got up early to buy bait and had more energy to spend the whole day fishing than I did. I took many pictures that week and I cherish them. I never thought that it would be his last birthday.

On Monday I cried, wailed, screamed so much on the way home from work. I felt like I did the day he died, 53 days ago. Only you here on this site really understand how deeply sad,scared,lonely and lost I feel.

Tomorrow, if it's not too windy or raining I'm going to take my chair, umbrella, Tommy's old ipod with some of his music, pack a lunch and spend the day the beach. Since I can't handle the boat alone, at least I'll be near the water which is where he always liked to be. Truly wish one of you were here to spend the day with me.
God bless all of you.

May 22, 2013
May 22
by: Melina

Dear T,

I think Lisa gave wise counsel that we are all sending strength to you today (May22). I think we all believe his energy will be especially strong for you so that you know he is safe and he wants you to be the same.

I hope that you get through the day remembering the good birthdays and the best times that we have all had because our husbands loved us so much.

Maybe he will be indulging in fresh fish he caught from the sea in the sky. Wouldn't it be nice to know that all he has to do now is fish?

Love,
Melina

May 21, 2013
To: Jenny, Nirmala, Melina, 5:10 pm on Tuesday, 5/21
by: Lisa (Liz)

Hello to all. Jenny: How did the haircut come out? Kisses to Kacey.

Nirmala, I wrote you e-mails today, so I guess you are up to date on me and my on-going house calamaties, and my same old crying about trying to understand and grasp that Hugo is no longer with me, and I am not dealing with that well, but I am trying my best, and that's all I can do. He is too much a part of my entire heart, soul, body, brain, etc. Regards to you the kids and Rocky and Lucky.

Melina, we cannot stop you; we can only say that we hurt too, but we don't want you to hurt yourself physically. Do you want to really be alone??? If you end up in a hospital, they will hydrate you, keep you there, watch you, and who will take care of the house, etc., and the stray little cat? Your husband does not want this.
No man wants their wife to become so entangled in the grief to do something regretful.
I don't like living without Hugo here; and I really would like to know for sure that he is in a place called Heaven waiting for me, looking out for me. So, if I do something wrong, I think he will be very disappointed because he is watching over me and probably praying for me. Your husband is also. My despair comes and goes, and when it comes on strong, I cry it out; it doesn't help, but it lets me know that I understand the reason I am crying. YOu feel alone? Well, what about me? I am alone, period. I have to worry why my sister isn't calling me back; is she blaming me for something--she likes to gossip, and when she does, other people like to do the same. Perhaps a mutual friend who is jealous about me giving so much to her kids, is gossiping about me and lying, and so my sister is just seething again. Who cares. I used to worry. I always had to stick up for myself and tell her things are lies, but she is relentless. Why? Maybe she doesn't like things about me--that I have this love for her kids, or whatever. So, because of her, I am alone. It is a long, drawn out story, but she is an instigator, a button pusher, and I've suffered because of her. I lost my husband, isn't that enough for her, NO, SHE HEAPS ON MORE GRIEF. SHE LOVES TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GUILTY. So, if I end up with no family, well, better no family than the way they are toward me. I am not lying, Hugo andI treated her kids like our own. Who can figure out anyone?
Anyway, I can't wait for tonight, so I sleep a few hours and don't feel so alone, in despair, and I don't cry. We're all so far apart, except Nirmala and I. Maybe one day when I get to LI, I'll meet up with her.

Melina, it's your life, do as you feel you need to, but it is not right, and I cannot condone it.
Love, Lisa

May 21, 2013
Jenny Tuesday, 12:51 USA TIME-AFTERNOON, 5/21
by: Lisa

Dear Jenny,
Hope you and Kacey are keeping warm. Love, Lisa

May 21, 2013
Liz Melina nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear Melina, we all worry about you, we are all in the same position, feel the horrible sense of despair, hopefully you will somehow learn to cope, please rethink everything. At one stage since Ken died I thought if I had known I would suffer so much over the loss of Ken would I have married him, then I thought of course I would have, look at the joy I had in my life, Nirmala is right, we enjoyed such deep love some people never experience, we were the lucky ones.
Liz, I hope you are ok, I will write you an email tomorrow, I have to get my hair cut so when I get home I will do it.
Nirmala, you said you had been married for 23 years, I was almost 50 years, but you know whatever the figure it's never enough, sometimes I tell myself to stop being greedy. Kens mum and dad only 19 years when the dad died of cancer, like you she was left with two teenages to bring up. Ken was very close to his mum, she was a beautiful lady too.
Until tomorrow
It's Wednesday morning 1,30am here.
Love to all
Jenny

May 21, 2013
alone and hurting
by: Melina

Dear ladies, I don’t take any of your kind words of enouragement as lecturing. If there is anyone in the world that knows what I am feeling it is all of you. I am just not strong anymore. I know that the only thing society as a rule accepts for death is a physical impediment that strikes us down. I am merely using what is at my disposal to hasten it. The dehyration is moderate not severe. I’ve read about it to know that I am not into final phases. I would have to stop all water intake for that and I am still drinking fluids. (Mainly apple juice and water mixed or an herbal tea) I don’t drink a lot but I can’t seem to stop altogether anyhow. I am simply pushing the limits.

Eating is still ongoing as well. I eat small amounts probably like most of you twice a day at least. I am cooking (somewhat) and do some takeout here and there. A chicken wrap will last me three meals so it is a good break from what I can devise on my own. My beloved did all the cooking so my skill level is pretty elementary.

I know it isn’t healthy but that’s the point. I don’t know how else to reach my beloved anymore. After a tiny lull in my despair I am back to outbursts of deep defeat. This is not a game is it? This is major problematic inability to function. I am intellectually smart enough to know the ramifications of what I am doing. I have chosen it. Deliberately. I too Lisa have been visited by the local law enforcement as a “friend” was so distresed after viviting me she brought back the police. I answered questions that they asked to check my mental stability and I answered ok so they couldn’t haul me off. They just don’t understand the magnitutde of what some people are visited by grief. Heck, it’s beyond my conprehension I could feel like this and yet I do.

So here is another day. It is uncanny but almost 5 out of 7 days a week I wake up, look at the clock and it is the exact time he died. 8:48am. Or today it was 8:49. That is kind of surreal.

Please not to worry so much about my state of disrepair. I know that I am not well but I am doing all that I can to balance my grief with what is considered reality. I am too alone. I will never find or have the kind of companionship, love, caring and nurturing that my beloved gave to me. I am truly trying to find my way through this morass and I know what I should do. It’s doing it that is the issue.

I’m not gone yet so lets’ consider that some sort of victory.

Love, Melina

May 21, 2013
Lisa, Melina, Jenny
by: Nirmala

Melina, first of all you need to start eating and drinking. None of us will find it pleasant to stay in a hospital. All of us have come here with some timeline, if you punish yourself you are only complicating everything. In your life you received love and grace, now also you have to live with the same. Your husband will be very disappointed in you if you carry on like this. Think about it, many people do not get what we had in our lives. Our marriage was by no means perfect, but I am damn sure I would have rather have lived with my Sujit for the 23 years than anybody else for longer, I can't even tell a number. In the beginning I used to tell at least he could have stayed till our 25 th anniversary.
Now it is my duty to carry on. My Sujit would not expect me to give up for a second. I will never give his place to anybody but as long as I am alive I will try my best to be useful to somebody be it a dog or a human that needs me.
Since all of us received that love in our lives we are obligated to spread it around.
I have a very tough time living without my husband particularly with the problems that I have, but I will honor my husband.
I will not preach to anyone but I have started looking into Vedanta for answers, gives me some peace.
Wishing all of usnwill be kind to ourselves, I was particularly scared after reading Melina's post. Please take care.

May 21, 2013
Melina
by: Jenny

Dear Melina, I too was very sad to read your post, but I do fully understand you and your thoughts, it's a strange feeling to read it, thinking is that the answer, but when we read posts like yours it makes us distressed because we feel like we know and admire you so much. I had the same thought, didn't eat but I wasn't hungry but I did drink, I lived on Pepsi and water.dehydration is an awful illness, please at least drink,your brain needs water.
Melanie we are all here for you, we are no longer strangers but friends.
Love to you
Jenny

May 20, 2013
Melina - May 20 2013 5:17 pm Monday night
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina, I just read your last post written this morning before you left for work. How can you work when you are so ill--dehydrated, the burning (that's from anxiety and dehydration), and the skin change, and indents from your nightgown. Please Melina, on one hand, you say you will meet up if you could with Nirmala if she goes to Florida, but it turns out she will be furtehr away, and on the other hand you are not eating or drinking any water or anything. Do you think I want to continue going on? NO, I DON'T.
Hugo's picture is on my HOME PAGE ON MY COMPUTER, I LOOK AT EVERY DAY AND I TELL HIM I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH LONGER. but, I know it saddens him wherever he is. I said I don't have strong faith, but I am going to go with my Christian beliefs--God forgives us all, but I really do not think that you will get to your husband right away--I think you will go through a lot of pain, and I believe there is some kind of in-between time after we die if we commit this. You are saddening me even though these thoughts, and even plans have crossed my mind. Then I remember HOW STRONG WILLED MY HUSBAND WAS, HOW HE FOUGHT TO STAY ALIVE, TO LIVE, AND HE WOULD REALLY BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME. That is what's stops me.
It hurts to carry on, and maybe some day somethng or someone will "push me way too far over the edge I'm already close to," but I must not keep this up.

You see people at work, what do they say? Don't they worry about how you look? Today, I cried and cried, then I changed my clothes, and started pulling out weeds, shoveling dirt, and that makes me feel like it makes Hugo happy.

Hugo used to fish off a little creek near his house as a kid, but life got in the way, and he did not fish on those big fishing boats for a long time. His rod is in the basement, and when I look at it, I touch it and cry. Lost, everything from his past is lost forever because he will not use them, will not eat my food, will not drive the car, dress in his fine clothes.
That makes me sick, too, but we were given the gift of life, and should we take it away?
I'm no saint, as I said, I get so upset that I ask God to make me not wake up, but I really do not think I will be pushed to doing something like what I wanted to. Please don't be angry with me, I am not lecturing, but I cannot stand by and read this, and not get scared.

Love, Lisa

May 20, 2013
Memorial Day for our Husbands (and Wives)
by: Lis (Liz)

To all who write here about their grief:

Memorial Day is almost here, and though we do not need a special day on the calendar to remember our spouses, on Memorial Day we say this:
You are our heroes, you took care of us and unwilling had to leave us which we cannot understand and we cannot cope with you not being here where you belong and you are so missed.

You are our heroes and our angels in Heaven; and we know you will keep us safe though we will live with pain in our hearts until we see you again.
Love, from all the wives who miss you, (and if any husbands write here, from your husbands who miss you.)

By Liz (Lisa) and all of us here.

May 20, 2013
To T's Husband - Blessed birthday wishes in Heaven...
by: Lisa (Liz) and all of us

To "T" On behalf of all the woman who care about each other, we send our blessings to your husband on his 1st birthday in Heaven, without you to celebrate with him. But he knows you are saying "Happy Birthday" to him with your love from the bottom of your broken heart. He knows...
He was only 54, my husband was 64--he missed his birthday by 2 months. What more can I say, except the GOOD DIE YOUNG.

Love, from Lisa (Liz), and all of us on this site.

May 20, 2013
To Melina: I'll try the address again...
by: Lisa

Dear Melina, it is Monday 11:12 in the morning.
I will try the address that Nirmala forwarded to me. Hope it goes through. Sometimes, I think its better to write my personal private emotions to an email than to the entire web page. Besides, that page is becoming too slow and unreliable.

We need reliable, and stability because all of it has been taken from us, snatched like a thief in the night. I too feel bi=polar, nuts, etc., since he died.

I am glad you didn't sell. They say to wait a year before making major decisions like that.
I DO, HOWEVER, DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED TO SELL DUE TO FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS. IT IS GOING TO REALLY BE DIFFICULT, IF NOT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO DISMANTLE YOUR LOVE LIVES -- ALL YOU MADE TOGETHER IN THAT HOME. I FEEL SO SAD ABOUT THIS FOR YOU, AND FOR ALL OF US WHEN WE HAVE TO DO IT.

I also worry about when I die. I'll write on the e-mail in private.
Love, Lisa

May 20, 2013
To "T"
by: Lisa

Dear "T"

Yes, I have to find stronger faith and believe that this life is not all there is. I keep trying to figure out why Hugo doesn't come to me in some way - a dream, a sign. I also feel sad that he was so extremely worried from the time of his diagnosis (very dire), up until his death. He told anyone he spoke to, "What about Lisa?"
He kind of taught me a lot, we learned together--met at 17 (me) and he was 18. So we spent our lives together with each other. Grew up, and then stresses of older parents (mine) came about, etc.

Now he is gone, and I just don't believe it. He was like a super human to me, I thought he'd live on at least to 80 if not 90. He always was moving--working, doing things here, etc. Not a couch potato, and always thinking up what to build, do, create. I just can't believe how the life was taken from this man.

I don't know what I feel--sometimes numb.

I'll write again, and thanks for writing.
Love, Lisa

May 20, 2013
To all ~ May 20 11:00am
by: Melina

To Lisa and T,

I think it is a very interesting visual to think that our husbands have somehow found each other and are kibbitzing about fishing and how to help us here. I know my husband could never get enough of fishing so I do hope he has found a good place to fish. Right after his surgery he was making plans to take a trip of a lifetime to AK or British Columbia to catch salmon. I encouraged him to make the plans. By a week later he realized it was not going to be. It all just fell to the wayside as he fought to maintain any semblance of physical life. It pains me to think he never took that trip. I have always had a picture of him in black and white when he was young (probably about 12) with his brother fishing off a wall somewhere and I have had that picture up for years and years. I knew his heart. Fishing was the one place he always felt content. He never was able to do enough it as life kept interfering. Just thinking about it brings me to my knees again.
I can’t do this ladies. I am now so dehydrated in general that I have no water for tears. When I do cry it burns. My skin is weird looking and this morning I noticed that my nightgown had made indentations in my legs. I have a faint smell of burning wires in my nostrils now periodically that used to only happen when I would cry and blow my nose. I know that my beloved never ever wanted me to suffer like this and I am punishing myself for what I don’t know but I keep hoping that it works. I can barely stomach food now. I am all alone and I refuse to call or talk to my family. Up until now they want to help but it is more like when they can fit me in. They have no idea I need a nursemaid 24/7. I have one really good girlfriend who wants to come and help me by visiting again but I have told her not to as well. Besides, what are they going to do? Seriously, what can they do to help me other than prolong my physical life so I can miss my beloved for longer? I know what I am doing I just didn’t anticipate that it would take so long or be so miserable.
In the meantime I am going through the motions as though I mean to accomplish something. My beloved would not be happy with me but I just cannot pull out of this. I know what’s right and what’s wrong and I am fighting it tooth and nail. I cannot bear the burden.
So now I must go put on my mask and go to work. I will leave our little cat Spooky sleeping peacefully on the couch and go to the office for a while until lunchtime and try to focus on making some more little green markers. This is life? It was before, why can’t it be now. I think we all know the answer to that question.
Love, Melina

May 20, 2013
your visit to FL
by: Melina

NIrmala,

Too bad, you will be on the other side of the state from me. I was hoping maybe closer but it's fine. Maybe someday we'll all meet. For you, I'm glad that your sister will be closer. It sounds as though that will be more of a comfort to you than other family members.
I hope all your financial and medical insurance issues have been worked out. Stuff like that seems to drag and on and in the meantime we are all waiting for that help that is so necessary.
I applaud your desire to get out and start to make friends. I would think if you can find a job in "books" you'll at least have a fighting chance to make friends who have a glimmer of understanding to start with.

Love,
Melina

May 20, 2013
Liz nirmala Melina &T
by: Jenny


Dear Melina I can absolutely sympathise with you and your house and the decision you are trying to make. I am going through the same things, the day I watched them put the for sale sign up, I had the biggest meltdown, I cried for a week, at present I have it on hold, it's been that way for weeks, I think at present I won't sell, I think all I did was get an account for upfront costs. When I start thinking of packing and moving I think I'm not capable, anyway I believe that no matter where I live I will never be happy.
It started when my middle son wants me to move interstate in a unit near him and his family, I think I jumped into it without giving it a lot of thought. They say don't make a decision like selling your house in the first year, it's a huge decision. As you know it was 3years for me and I still couldn't decide.
Dear liz, I sent you an email today, hope you received. It's a good idea having email addresses, we all seemed to get upset when we lost contact with one another because we didn't know what was happening.
Nirmala, I hope you and the children are ok, it will be nice to have some of your family closer to you.
Has anyone heard from Rhonda, I haven't seen any posts from her.
T. You are having all the emotions we all have, somehow we were all drawn to this site, I know it helps me because I thought I was going crazy, I had met other ladies who had lost their husbands and I thought they were doing so much better than I was, but then I realised it is all affront, and I was doing the same thing. It was only on this site that we could discuss and say what we really felt.
With love to all
Jenny

May 20, 2013
Melina-E MAIL DIDN'T WORK
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina, I wrote 2 other messages on here for you, and I tried the email address you left on your message--IT DID NOT WORK--MY EMAIL TO YOU CAME BACK BY MY MAILER. I WROTE SOME PRIVATE THINGS IN IT. ANYWAY, WANTED YOU TO KNOW.
I WRITE TO JENNY, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I GOT HER ADDRESS FROM SOMEONE ELSE, AND WE ALL WON'T PUT OUR EMAILS ON HERE. TRY TO GET NIRMALA'S E MAIL--I'M SURE SHE WILL GIVE IT TO YOU, AND SHE WILL WRITE BACK WITH MINE. SORRY IT DIDN'T GET THROUGH. LOVE, LIZ

May 20, 2013
Melina, Lisa, jenny
by: Nirmala

My sister lives near Tampa, St.Petersberg. She is getting ready to move back to Boston, We were supposed to visit them in December. My husband was in the process of getting our tickets to Florida and one for India for himself. He just dropped dead on the 11th.
My brother's family could not be bothered, they live 3 miles from our house. When my sisters were leaving after the funeral, my brother and his wife had promised them to support us. My sister in law would invite us to her house every weekend, now she thinks her problems are similar to mine so I do not need sympathy.
Thankfully my sister is moving closer, now it will be a 3 hour drive. We will be able to visit them once a month at least and also holidays will not be spent all alone. Yesterday my daughter was feeling hurt that my brother's family have not visited us in over 3 months. I need to get back to work and start making friends.

May 20, 2013
To Melina-PART 2 mAY 20, 2013 4:51 a.m.
by: Lisa

Melina, I'm continuing=this is part 2.

Today will be awful. More rain, and I ache--I was stubborn anddid more weeding. My hands are numb, my knee hurts, my back too. I've been doing too much outside just to keep it nice likehe liked it, but to get out instead ofcrying and screaming all day.

I ask God to help me in the way of maybe I will diefrom a heart attack. I'm just not able to go through these motions like it will be OK some day, and "easier"like everyone tries to convince us. Let them see what it is like. Maybe they don't understand our love, our attachment, our entwinement, and I was content it being just him and me. And we have no children, not that they always help. I have a niece and nephew who I speak to (I have others who just disappeared), and they are OK, but for days they don't even call. My husband was loyal to me, and me to him, and he's gone, and I count on no one the way I counted on and trusted in him.

I hope I find some kind of answer, but I'm not getting one now. Day to day, and I hate it.
I have to buy stamps and mail bills, so I'll put on a cap and go out. Other than that, it will be a long, crying day of what ifs, whys, where is he? What the hell should I do?

Melina, you will not be lectured by me, but I do hope you don't get sick and suffer. It will be worse for you. I worry about that. Who will take care of my house, my mail, etc. No one.

I asked Hugo why he left--poor thing, he couldn't help it, but sometimes I remember him saying he would fight and not leave me. How awful he must have felt. How weak and how unable to do a damn thing to continue on. That hurts me too, I cry for him. I cry for how he felt.

Until the nest post. Love, Lisa

May 20, 2013
To Melina, May 20, 2013, 4:35 a.m.
by: Lisa

Dear Melina,


I write to everyone, whether I see a message or not. I rely on this bit of solace and safe place to cry out and scream out my emotions about Hugo missing in my life. I, too, cry out to him to come back, or to get me. Many nights, before I go to sleep, I hold out my hand and beg him or God to pull me out of here and to where they are.
I literally beg them. This happens especially when I am very down (which is every day, but some days worse), and when I feel very physically sick.

What is the point? I ask that--I have no idea how to continue coping and I don't know how Jenny has done it for 3 years. I do not stay in my bed because I can't-I get achey, and then my mind wanders to too many things, the sorrow, and also the problems of running this house alone.

I dig myself deeper and deeper into the why questions; and when I find myself thinking of all the gruesome treatments my Hugo went through, all the hospital stays, all the symptoms from the chemo, morphine, then other things that happened to his body, and what he turned out looking like, I want to just die. I cannot get out that last night from my head. It was a horrow scene to watch him suffer, and the hospice nurse was there for the first time, I hadn't known her. So to watch my husband dying with a complete stranger with us in our room, well, I can't explain it.

I am very unhappy with this reality that I never thought would happen to us. Old age was fleetingly discussed, but Hugo and I did't dwell on it. We both figured we had 20 more years to go. So, shock set it and is still here.

How did I go into the hospital? I don't know. I had a book my niece made of photos that I wanted them to see. I only stayed in the lobby; to walk the halls that he walked up on Floor 1 where he stayed for so many days at a time (5 visits with average time of 7 days, and also ICU for 6 or 7 days)--to go near there, I could never do. In fact, when I drive by the hospital I turn the other way. But I went, saw them, and that's my last time.

I tried to starve myself in the beginning. I made the mistake of when I had to call our investment guy to tell him to send me the beneficiary documents because Hugo had passed, he would call back a few times to see how I was. I made the mistake to tell him I wasn't eating. He called the local social services place here, and they came knocking at the door and told me I needed help. They wanted to take me away. I kicked them out and said, "What do you expect from me, I just lost my husband of 44 years." I told them I had rights.

Running out....next post Love,Lisa

May 20, 2013
Melina
by: Jennt

Dear melina, you sound so much like me, I don't live anymore, I merely exist, Ken and I had a plan that we would leave this world together, I've often thought were we punished by a higher power.
Ken and I met as teens, love at first sight, we loved and liked each other, he was perfect, loving kind gentle, everyone loved him, women were so attracted to him, but our marriage was solid, we were married 49 years 6 months.
Never sick in his life I think you know he died within ten days of pancreatic cancer, when he found out he made me promise not to do anything stupid as we would never find each other again, he believed in that kind of thinking, but I doubt it very much.
I struggle through each day, most days I know I have to feed Kacey so I know I have to get up. I'm not interested in anything, I think up excuses why I don't want to see anyone, I do banking and shopping online. I don't see the world as beautiful as I once did, it's all grey and black.
I find that people just don't understand, but one day they will,
Kacey and I do spend a lot of time in the bedroom, it's my retreat, the rest of the house stays tidy and clean, also it's winter here so not a bad place to be.
I can't see myself ever feeling any better, I do have three grown up boys and four grandchildren, but two are interstate so I don't see a lot of them I see my youngest once a fortnight, but I understand they have their own lives to lead.
I sleep badly, I don't cook anymore, I warm up food when I feel like it, I know my life is a mess but I can't help it, I have no answers.
With love
Jenny

May 20, 2013
Friends in Heaven
by: T

Lisa. It's very nice of you to think about all of our husbands finding each other in heaven like we have all found each other here. Maybe they're even talking about fishing in Naples and how they plan to help us though this incredible grief until we're re-united with them again. I need constant reassurance of this after life. I need desperately to know that our husband's spirits are all living on in a beautiful and peaceful place for all eternity where they safe, happy and healthy again. I pray everyday that all of us find this deep faith to give us comfort. It's a struggle for me but I'm trying.Life here on earth can not be all there is.

Thank you God for putting all of these sensitive, caring,wonderful women on this site in my life. Please remember me in your thoughts this Wednesday May 22 when it's my husbands first birthday since he passed away. He would've been 54.
Love, T




May 19, 2013
Selling creating terrible separation~ May 19 10:15pm
by: Melina

Dear ladies, As you know I put my house on the market for sale by owner about two weeks ago. On Monday this week I had an email from a real estate agent and she was really interested in viewing the property. I was not interested in listing it so I was a bit put back because she kept insisting. As it turned out she was looking for her sister and brother in law from DC. On Tuesday I got a note from her brother in law requesting me to allow her to see it on their behalf. So Wednesday I had her come to look. By the time she left it was arranged that they would fly down personally to see it as it had passed her muster with flying colors. They were going to pay cash and assume her fees.

Wednesday night was horrendous. I got tied into a ball of nerves and lost it. Didn’t get to sleep until 3:30am. Woke up at 8:00 and didn’t think I was going to sign papers because all I could think about was how I was going to have to tackle the largest job of my life. Disassembling my home. Taking apart the memories of 35 years and deciding where and what to do with all of it. As lifes twists and turns have their way with us all it turns out that the husband has wanted to move down here for years but they had never found a house in my neighborhood that exactly suited them. Now that they had they realized that they weren’t really ready. I was relieved but I also became more scared of how this is all going to play out when it does happen.

I know we have all talked about this and I am the closest one to having to do it soon, I guess, and I am just really dreading what this will do to me. The effect of getting rid of or packing up or just finding a new place for everything is making the idea in my mind of separation even worse. This is not where I want to be but I have no choice. I can’t rent our carriage house to someone. I just can’t have someone else on the property. I can’t handle it. Actually I can’t seem to be able to handle much of anything.

I can’t recover. I’ve never felt so helpless. I am writing to people I’ve never met spilling my guts and hoping that I’ll find reason. What has happened to me? I feel like I am bipolar, schizophrenic and tormented all rolled into one. Crying comes at any time and there is no way to stop it at times. All I can do is beg my husband to come get me. Help me. Not leave me behind. It’s all I can do.

Love to all, Melina

May 19, 2013
to Nirmala
by: Melina

Nirmala,

I live in Florida. What region is your sister? Maybe if you are close we could say hello to each other.

Love,
Melina

May 19, 2013
how? how to do it? May 19 12:45
by: Melina

(Part 2) There is so much to catch up on.
Jenny, I can’t believe you have had to go through another close call flood in such a short period of time given your state of mind. I am so sorry that this has happened to you again. I’m sure the adrenaline was rushing through your body. It was probably as weakening to you because of the anxiety as it would have been had it actually risen high enough to do material damage and you would have had to redo things. I wonder sometimes about how much chaos seems to be in the world. With todays information availibility we know what is happenig around the world right away not like when I was a child. I wonder if it was as chaotic then but we just didn’t know about it. Or maybe we lived a kinder, gentler life.
Jenny, I really feel desparate at times when I hear you say you are three years beyond the loss of Ken and yet you still spend a lot of time in your bedroom and though not crying all the time you still have the despondency we all are suffering. I just can’t see myself doing and feeling like that for long. I know you have children and I don’t, I know you have Kacey and I have Spooky but other than that we are both beyond reach when it comes to resolving the grief. Maybe good days start appearing but in the last 18 weeks I haven’t really seen much to hope for. Time has become an albatross around my neck. I move around because I have to (work and supermarket) and other than that I am too fatigued and want to stay in bed myself. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I am not alive but I am not dead. I can’t live like this. I used to be a very pragmatic, get-it-done kind of person. Very organized, good at conceptual thinking and found joy in doing it. Now I force myself to work because I have to keep the money coming in and am dong as little as possible to feed myself so I can lose more weight. I am on a personal path of destruction. I know it. I accept it. I have chosen it. I’m really ok with it. What I can’t figure out is how you have managed to deal with the trauma and loss like you have. What has kept you going? If it is belief in an aspect of diefication then I am doomed to my path because I just can’t go there. Just me. Nothing against anyone who can and does. If it is anything else that also doesn’t include the connection to children as I am not able to link up there either cause I have none. I am just curious as I am trying to find any answers that might help me but I seem to be running into a lot of dead ends. (No pun intended).
Hopefully life has calmed a bit again after your flood scare. Anxiety certainly does seem to take a quick and forceful toll doesn’t it?
Love, Melina (on to part 3)

May 19, 2013
Thank goodness..finally...May 19th 12:00noon
by: Melina

Thank goodness…..I was really getting depressed. I can’t believe how dependent I have become on each of you for your words. It was such a relief to see posts again. That was not good.

Lisa, Were you seeing your posts everyday? It seemed as though you were. I couldn’t see anything for days. You certainly had a lot of strong inside stuff to go to the hospital again. I think it was so sweet of you to think of the nurses and pastor and what they might like to have known about Hugo. I avoid it like the plague. I got near the hospital last night and all I could think about was how I was running back and forth and how I spent days there trying to relieve my husbands terror of dying and pain he was enduring. Even now thinking about it brings me down again to a level of “so what am I supposed to do now?” I had about two days about ten days ago that were halfway reasonable interspersed with a few mediocre days. Since then I have fallen way way down again and cannot stop thinking about him being gone. I don’t wish for him to come back I wish for me to be able to join him. I know he’s not coming back. That is impossible. In my darkest times I beg with him and plead and cry and scream for him to listen to me and come and get me. I keep asking him please come get me. I know it is possible to do myself. I thought as time passed the urge to do that would diminish. It actually has turned out to be the opposite.
I am finding myself convinced that the only way to stop this bomb going off in my head all day long is to find a way to deal with this. My thinking is chopping me down. I cannot go through one second without thinking about my beloved. Not one. And I do believe that will never go away. If that never goes away then I am sentenced to a life of ongoing grief. Of not being happy. Of not seeing things ever again in the bright light that his love gave to me. Oh, I could live. Physically. But to go through the rest of life and not be happy? I just don’t see that as being very feasible and what a burden on others. I have always been very independent and to see myself being a burden to others because of my constant unhappiness just doesn’t ring any bells for me. I think “T” hit the nail on the head with each of her descriptions of our feelings. All together those are just too much for me to bear. I come to the same conclusion “anonymous” does. I’ve had it.
I have an email address that I have used when I’ve sold antiques online that I am going to post here. If any of you want to email outside of the blog here it is. Losttreasure4sale@gmail ( You know) .com. I don’t know if this blog wants us to put emails on here so that is why I inserted (you know). After this last dry spell of not seeing any posts I think I need to have something out there where if someone wanted could use.
Love to all,Melina (End of part 1)

May 19, 2013
Nirmala
by: Lisa

Nirmala, I just read your posting on this page to everyone.

I wish there were some way you could get medical insurance for you. Did you read when I wrote to call the SS office 800 #. If you want it, I have it. They may help you. There has to be something they can do. It's true, your husband passed young, and wasn't ready for SS, or you could have collected on that. Life is not fair.
I just spoke to my friend who lost her husband (she worked with my husband), and she said she always wanted them to go together. I and Hugo wanted the same. I can't figure out why I'm still around. I'm the weaker of us and he was taken. I'll write later, and I hope your plans to go to Florida come true. Love, Lisa

May 19, 2013
Pat, Lisa, Jenny, Melina, T and everybody
by: Nirmala

Another Sunday, feels so lonely. My sister is insisting I should visit her in Florida for a few days. For the first time I am actually considering it. I know my husband would want me to go. I am thinking of applying for a job after this summer. Hopefully I will be lucky enough to land at least a temp job in a library, but again with all the budget cuts it will not be easy. What a mess our country is in, so many unemployed people.
I never thought I would be forced to go back to work. Last year when my husband had called me a designated driver I had mentioned to him by 2013 November I will be working as a librarian, I did not realize he would be gone and that is why I had to get back to work. I would have happily stayed home and let him take care of the financial side. Looks like even wishful thinking leads to disaster. After having a doctor at my beck and call now the kids and I have no medical insurance, my husband's partners cancelled it soon after my husband died, without even informing me. These are the wonderful people that live while decent caring young people die suddenly. What a shame.

May 19, 2013
To Pat Green, Jenny, Nirmala, Melina, T, Rhonda, Anonymous, etc.
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Everyone,

Thank goodness I heard from all of you. All your words mimic mine, but still they comfort me in the way that I don't feel like I am crazy and helpless because I miss Hugo too much. He knew this would be my life--he knew it, and he fought to live.

Melina--I said it before--the way you describe what we are going through, through grief, you are very eloquent in writing, and should write a book.
All of us should compile this into a book.
I can't figure out what my future will be, now I can't get through this separation-I want things back the way they were. I beg God for it. And I am constantly asking my husband to come to me in a dream, or a sign because I do not know where he is, really. My faith is not strong now. God will not like that.

Jenny, you and I were so worried about this site, but we've been in touch, thank goodness.

All of us lean on these messages--so what? My family thinks it will get me no where. They get me nowhere with their mis-understanding or lack of understanding what I am going through. Even though definitely know what my and Hugo's relationship was, for 46 years. The y are no help to me.

I will grieve the rest of my life, and like Melina says, I hope God takes me naturally because the other way will never work out--I feel too guilty and still have belief in punishment, and that would mean banishment from Heaven where Hugo is. So, if it's true and can happen, I will die from a broken heart.
Nirmala, I'm happy you are surrounded by your son and daughter and your dogs.

I have no kids, for those of you here who didn't know that. It's very hard.

I'm afraid of losing space here, so I'll say that I am relieved we can correspond here again.
I thank all of you for your concern, for us sticking together. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 18, 2013
Trying again
by: Jenny

How are you ladies. Love jenny

May 18, 2013
To all of us who depend on this for comfort
by: Liz

Dear Friends-All,

I do not know it, only my own experience, I've been trying to write to all the woman I correspond with on here because we reach out about our pain and feelings regarding the loss of our husbands. I have not seen a post from anyone, and I get worried. None of us want to be on this site for the reasons we found ourselves here, we'd rather it be we still had our husbands alive, well, and with us to resume our lives as we had planned. But, here, we did find each other to talk freely about our raw emotional state of being, without anyone saying we should move on, or it gets better--this is supposed to be a "go-to" place for us. Well, it hasn't been since last week, and I'm speaking for me, it has been difficult not seeing any at all.



Anyway, none of us are the type to abandon each other, so I hope all of you will know I'm still here, just unable to get through. Love, Liz (Lisa)_

May 17, 2013
"T"
by: Liz

Dear T, I answered your last posting from 2 days ago, but have you noticed no postings from the usual women who write. I'm wondering what is going on. I think that since I lost my husband, I right away think everyone, even people on the web page, will abandon me. If you get this, I hope you'll write, so I'll know it's just the woman not writing for a couple of days. Thanks, Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 17, 2013
Jenny & Melina
by: Liz



Are you quitting writing? Ok, if you think this writing is not helping, then it's OK, however, I wish you would let me know. That is why I used the email for Jenny -- but maybe you recognize it as spam.

Please let me know. Love, Liz

May 16, 2013
To Nirmala, Jenny, Melina, Rhonda, and every one of you who wait to resume the dream...
by: Lisa (Liz) May 16, 2013, 10:25pm

Dear Ladies,

Dreams come true it seems for many like tonight, I put on the TV to distract me from my ENDED DREAM, AND I SAW THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL.

We all had dreams that came true when we were younger and we didn't think about loss, sorrow, pain, anger, fear of losing our husbands. They were there, and it never occurred to us they'd be gone, not because of a divorce, or out of love, but out of life, unable to live anymore.
So...
Our dreams ended when they left "our world" here for their world in Heaven.
But...
Our dreams will start over when we join them.

Love, Lisa (Liz)
P.S. Where are Jenny and Melina--no word from both of you all day. Are you home; are you all right? Please write. You know me, Jenny, you call me the worrier; yes, I am. I hope the problem is just with the web page and that both of you have been writing. Lisa

May 16, 2013
Lisa, you're grief stricken
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Lisa,
My husband Red, will be gone two years on June 27th. I will never really get over his death. I've accepted it, but don't like it that he died, while others who are mirely existing live on. Life isn't fair. I hate being a widow; I want to be his wife, not his widow, but that is now what I am.
Friends tell me I look happier than last year at this time. I"m not really happier; don't think I will ever be really happy again. It just comes down to acceptance. Get easier or better, never. I will live everyday; always thinking about him and still loving him. Death didn't change that.
We truly will grieve for the rest of our lives. It is our grief and there isn't a time limit on our grief.
I miss everything about Red, just as you do about Hugo. That's just the way it is. Our love and relationships meant something to us. They always will, death didn't change that either.
I look back at the almost two years and think, how and the hell did I make it this far. I always ask my God to lead me and show me the way. I thank him for everyday. I cherish everything so much more now. I don't take anything for granted. It can be taken away from us in an instant as my husband was-massive heart attack. One minute talking, the next minute head down and forever gone.
I keep myself busy, with friends, children and grandchildren and his siblings are very good to me. It doesn't change the fact that Red is forever gone. They will one day realize what I am going through when it happens to them. I am still ryinmg on the otside, while looking fine on the outside. Friends tell me I look happier than I did last year at this time. I don't know if I will ever really be happy again. That life is gone. I am just learning to live without Red. He's not coming back. I am alive, we all are and we just cherish their memory and go on.

May 16, 2013
Jenny & Melina
by: Lisa (Liz)

Jenny & Melina,
No posts from either one of you are coming in. I wrote long 2 part letter to Melina, and long messages to Jenny. Hope you saw them, hope you are not ill.
Nirmala and I write on here, but we also write to each other my email.

Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 16, 2013
Anonymous
by: Jenny

Dear anonymous, you are not really so different we all feel the
Same things, the hopelessness of it all, tonight even after 3 years I am so low, my home was almost flooded again, last year I lost everything, I actually thought I was at last feeling a little better but this has set me right back again, it's 4am here and I'm so upset, I've had so much sadness in my life I have had enough, maybe the morning will be better. Im
going to cuddle my little dog and try and sleep.
Love
Jenny

May 16, 2013
To "T"
by: Lisa (Liz)

Hello T, and I will not ask that dumb question if I may call it that. How the heck do they think someone like you and I are? YOU NAMED EVERY SINGLE FEELING; I CAN ADD--CONFUSED, ASKING GOD TO LET HIM RETURN, ASKING HIM TO COME HOME, WONDERING IF HE SEES, FEELS MY EMOTIONS AND HOW MUCH I MISS HIM, AND A ZILLION THINGS INCLUDING WORRYING ABOUT THIS HOUSE THAT'S NOT A HOME ANYMORE WITHOUT HIM.

AN EARLY HAPPY, BLESSED BIRTHDAY TO YOUR HUSBAND FROM ME, AND I TOLD MY HUSBAND TO FIND HIM, AND WISH HIM THE SAME. T--THEY SAY THAT IF WE--YOU AND I MAKE THIS CONNECTION THAT SOMEHOW OUR HUSBANDS WILL TOO. I BELIEVE THAT. AND IF IT IS SO, THEN GOOD, THEY KNOW WE ARE LETTING OUT OUR GRIEF TOGETHER.

I went food shopping, then finally went to the hospital where he spent many days, weeks, and I visited the pastoral care friend of ours, and some of the nurses who took care of him. One didn't know that he passed away, and that was very hard to tell her so. I hated being anywhere he was once was, but I have been putting off seeing them, so I finally went.

Another day, night, alone, and just walkingaround this big house asking why it is this way. No answer.

I'll try to eat. No one else has written, I worry about no message from Melina because she is as bad as I am, and she writes things that I write because I get so depressed.

Take care, and it's OK to be angry with those who don't get it--my own family doesn't get it sometimes. It's too difficult to explain to others who haven't been in this place you and I are in. tHEY DON'T KNOW HOW FORTUNATE THEY ARE.

Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 16, 2013
How we all feel~~May 16 12:15pm
by: Melina

I just read the three latest posts to our blog from Lisa, T, and Anonymous and I can’t tell you how devastated I am to see how devastated we all are. We are all on this endless carousel not able to get off and the G-D music is playing so loud in our heads our brains are about to explode. I seriously have no idea how any of us are “destined” to “go on”. I do know that only those of us who have experienced this kind of trauma understand the depth of the emotion we are feeling. For everyone else the carousel is just a ride they get on and get off. Then they go off to another happy place. Our carousel ride on the other hand has turned into the twilight zone Rod Sterling style nightmare.
There are definitely recurring thoughts that we all have and depending on the day the level of intensity varies. What eludes each of us is what tool we are supposed to use that makes the brain think differently about our loss. I am good to analyze it up to that point but much further I am in the same boat rowing like you. Rowing in circles. Waves build, crash over the boat, I bail water and then end up rowing in circles again.
No one ever told me that one person could affect my life like this. Not that I would have protected myself from it. I loved him too much. But I just can’t disconnect from what the physical mainfestation of him did to the part of my brain that won’t let me stop thinking of what life means to me now. WE don’t want/can’t carry on. It takes too much energy. It requires starting again. Everything is a reminder. The brain is locked on the meaning of life as the unification of two into one. The key is lost.
I have no answers except to ask myself what living without my beloved means. Then the answers I do come up with are not very encouraging. I go through stages of how brave I would need to be to end it all. I know each of you have done the same. I don’t have anything religiously that would stop me but I know there still is a lot that would be required to make it not be a horror show . I keep hoping natural selection will kick in.
More later, Love to all, Lisa, T, Anonymous, Nirmala, Jenny and where is Rhonda? Melina

May 16, 2013
Midnight Friday
by: Jenny

Hello ladies, dear liz, no matter what you write we will not stop writing to you, so don't think that way, we know we are in the same position and how you feel and think. There are no answers, we just have to cope as best as we can. I too thought of sharing my house with a friend but in the end I decided against it, after Ken I don't think I could live with anyone else.
I have had an almost disastrous day, I was around the plaza with a girl friend when her husband rushed in saying my house was about to be flooded again, the whole area flooded and the drains in the street didn't cope with all the water and it started flooding the houses again, our local council won't do anything about it, it's just over a year since I lost everything. It stopped just in time but it was enough to cause a panic attack again,, I just couldn't go through that again. I wonder if my life can get any worse.
Dear T, all your feelings are normal we all say the same thing, feel the same way, these days after 3years I spend most of my time in the spare bedroom, miserable all the time. Maybe not crying for hours on end anymore, I try and control that.
Dear nirmala, your boy sounds nice, I think you will find that he is just being like his peers, nothing against your cooking, kids love that kind of junk food, one of my boys went mad on McDonalds when he was about that age, much to my horror.
The ladies who blame themselves for their husbands death, you can't think like that, it is out of our hands, we trust that the so called experts know what they are doing, but in Kens case they didn't have a clue. We received no answers at all. I have no faith in the medical profession at all. As they say doctors bury their mistakes.

Another lonely cold wet weekend coming up, think the best place to be is to stay in bed.

Love to all
Jenny

May 16, 2013
I've had it, my husband was my life
by: Anonymous

To everyone who is also grieving:
perhaps I'm very different because I've had it. It's almost 1 year, and I can't get over the fact that my husband is dead. I hate that word, but what else do I say, gone=could mean divorced.
At least hten he' be alive still, but he is dead, and I cannot manage it any more. I'v been through lonely holidays, where family wanted me to forget for a day, just to appease them; I've been through crying spells, sleepless nights, loss of weight, pains in my heart, all over, and I've had it. He should not have died, and I blame the doctors for not checking him out better, etc. I can't go on any more with missing him so much that I can't take it. I've had it.

May 16, 2013
Back to square one...
by: T

Ladies,
I'm trying, I really am...I'm going to work everyday,kind of socializing with people, going on vendor dinners, walking on the beach, grocery shopping, taking care of my Mom...I'm trying!!! BUT what stops me dead in my tracks everyday is the question "HOW ARE YOU DOING, T?"
Someone tell me what is the answer. What are your answers? Am I just stupid because I don't know how to answer? I can't say "I'm taking it one day at a time" a-n-y-m-o-r-e!!!
You all know what I want to say.
I feel:
AWFUL
LIKE I WANT TO DIE TOO
TERRIFIED OF THE FUTURE
SO DEPRESSED IT'S KILLING ME SLOWLY
DEVASTATED
MISERABLE
SCARED
INSANE LONELINESS
ANGRY
Next Wednesday, May 22, is my sweetheart's birthday. I am not going to work because if someone ask me the question that day I might punch them in face. I know I sound crazy, I don't care. I have no one to say this to buy you guys.

May 15, 2013
Melina - Part 2 of my response to you on 5/15/13
by: Lisa

So, I continue about our houses: just like that we are alone to "get rid" of not only a space, our shelter, but our HOME WE MADE TOGETHER.
Just like that, move out, move on. Well, I don't know if that is my plan. Maybe I will just die and leave it as it is and let someone else deal with it, so I don't tear down everything that his and my heart went into--25 years in this place, our dream home, and it was built afer we had built our first home. We completely changed our styles--the first house was smaller, and contemporary, this one is traditional, french provincial, and decorated completely opposite from our "younger tastes." The oher day, I was even foolishly thinking of taking in a foster child as an excuse to fill up a bedroom, and a reason to stay. But I am in no condition to take in a child, or even a pet for that matter. And I have no love in me to give. I even hate myself because I lost my love, and I keep thinking I could have offered a doctor to do some damn thing to give him more time--maybe take every cent we had and given it to some doctor. I know I sound crazy, but that is how frustrated I am.

If there is a heaven I want to go there, see Hugo again, and start our lives over. But doing myself in will surely give me a quick ticket to hell. God forgives but I don't think he forgives suicide. Sorry, I know I am talking badly, but tonight is getting to me. I don't know how to manage the next day no less the next week, and surely I can't go through another holiday without him. And my family--well I feel no real feeling for any of them to keep me around. And they'll be just fine getting rid of worrying about me and what to do with my grief. And friends--well, one of them goes on vacation every 3 weeks, and she always wants me to go wth her --she talks about this summer. Sure, like I really want to go away and leave the comfort of my home, and leave what I feel is still his place. No.

So, my husband always said, "Timing is everything in this world." Well, I'll make my own time and not wait until it is convenient for anyone else.
I wish I had a really close friend, one I could trust, to leave her place and move in here, just for a while or forever. work out life some way, and then be there to say goodbye to me so I don't die alone. But we all die alone in the end.
Where do we do, I'm not sure. But I hope that the first person I see after God is Hugo, then my parents, then all my loved ones. Only at death will I know for sure, but I am suposed to believe it now, so, Hugo, if you are in Heaven and have these heavenly powers, then tell me what the answer is because I have not been able to believe enough to go on, and I do believe that God is angry with me of so little faith, that I will rot in hell for eternity.

I am not helping you, and when the other ladies read this I am sure they will stop writing to me .
Well, I can't stop my words that come from my heart and head. lOVE lISA

May 15, 2013
Melina may 15th and counting...
by: Lisa

Dear Melina,

I tried to sleep but got up and checked this site and was glad to read your comforting, yet candid post. I did go to a gastroenterologist last November--had endoscopy and colonoscopy done. All came back negative. Tonight, even with my pill, I cannot sleep. It travels from stomach to abdomen. Also, tonight I had an ephiphany:
I don't know if you remember how I described Hugo's last breath before he died: He tried to turn to me, but just glanced with his right eye (I was lying next to him at his right side), and I released him saying, "Go to God, to the light, go to Mom & Dad (my parents), and he did. Well, tonight, walking up the stairs it came to me clear as anything, he was taking one last look at me, too weak to turn all the way, but he looked with his eye that spoke a million words, and now I know he was saying goodbye to me and that he didn't want leave and he loves me. I believe that now. Tonight, I cried, held his pillow, and begged him to try to come home. Then I cursed my lawyer for not getting even a draft to me yet about my legal matters. I have from the day he died been putting papers together, everything in place, except for trying to sell this house. I'll let my family deal with it. I will be leaving a lot for them to take care of everything.
How I'll go, I don't know, but there is nothing for me here without Hugo, nothing. And for sure, none of them will comfort me enough, or get me through years of grief. I can't face years. l0 months is coming up and that's been too much time away from him. He wasn't supposed to die, I can't accept it. I don't even care that I have so much mental and physical pain. I hope it kills me.

I will run out of space, so if I do, I'll continue in part 2.

About your house sale, it would really make me fall to pieces to pack up this home, so I fully understand with my heart what you are going through--agony is not even a word to describe it. I will curse now, and not mince words here:
All of this we have to forcefully do under duress and anger (I have anger) really just SUCKS -- OH SO UNLADYLIKE. Well, what is death, it is a horrow, so I'll act like the horror who hates the fact that Hugo is separated from me too soon, and so is your husband. So, it stinks big time.

I have so much, too, in this house, built for us with our plans, our input, our own money, nothing from anybody, and our dreams went into each corner of this place--outside and inside and all around. Each lamp, chandelier, rug, tile, floor, wall, designs, fixtures, furniture, pictures, china, etc, in the dining room. And so much more, most of all sweat, worry, work andLOVE. We were supposed to sell it together and celebrate just like you two, but no, OTHER PLANS BROKE UP THE PLAN AND CRUSHED THE FUTURE. LIKE NOTHING MATTERED, LIKE WE DIDN'T DESERVE TO HAVE HAPPINESS ANY MORE, JUST LIKE THAT.


pART 2 HAS TO COME, RUNNING OUT...

May 15, 2013
Stress is dangerous~ May 15 8:00pm
by: Melina

Dear Lisa,
Sounds as though the stress of your grief is really doing a number on your digestion. I am convinced most of our ailments (cancer included) are as a result of the stress we endure. Have you had intestinal issues ever before? My employer had pain where you are talking just recently and he ended up having diverticulitis. Same place. He had a cat scan done and that’s how they found it. You might want to get the doctor to check into that. Could also be what we all find we are suffering from. A broken heart. No fix for that. Hopefully you have some kind of med care. Maybe a gastroenterologist would be a good start. We are here for you to tell us how you feel and we will try to comfort you in a different way. I undertand how that won’t be the same as Hugo but we can try.
I feel like I am contributing to your sadness. I can’t seem to get beyond my own sadness and despair and when I write about it and reread it I see I am not doing much to pick anyone up. I can’t believe we all seem to get up every day and rinse and repeat what the day before was and keep doing it. I am able to do a few things that I am forcing myself to accomplish because of the desire to keep this house afloat until I can sell it but if it sells I am no longer tied to that responsibility to “do”. In a way that is extremely liberating. It means I can then feel I have completed something my husband and I had decided to do…..together. It was because we had struggled our entire lives to have some equity in a home. I am so sad that he will not be here to celebrate the sale because it would have meant we were going on to do other things. And at the same time it’s debilitating knowing I am going to be ripping apart the comforts of what we built. This whole notion of having to make decisions by myself and then act upon them is paralyzing when all I really want to do is crawl in a hole. I think when/if the house sells I will feel that my duty has been discharged. Then I can stop doing and collapse. Where the state of my mind will be at that point we will see. I do know though that I don’t know how much more of the having to “do” I can take. It’s sapping me dry.
Love, Melina

May 15, 2013
To Jenny & Nirmala
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny,

I just read your posting, and I wrote an email or two to you but am still awaiting a reply.
I don't know what is wrong with my stomach, it's really on my left side from my stomach down to my intestines. I am beginning to think it is nerve--a main nerve doing all of this because sometimes my chest hurts too. I have too much heartache, pain and today is the worst. I hope you'll see my emails. Love, Lisa

Dear Nirmala,

You didn't mention the lab doing that in your email to me. It is probably that the dog is sensing presence of your husband in the house. Believe me, when I had a dog, he sensed everything all the time. They have a keen way of knowing what is going on.
Sent you an e-mail. Wish your bright doctor husband was here, he'd be able to diagnose me and help me. Bye for now. Love, Lisa

May 15, 2013
All the ladies
by: Nirmala

Something very strange happened last night, my daughter and I were in bed I was watching tv and she was doing her college work suddenly my chocolate lab started barking looking at my husband's closet. I did not want to freak out my daughter telling her maybe her dad was around. As far as I could see nothing moved so why did my dog get excited I do not know. I showed him a shopping bag from the closet and told him look there is nothing in the closet, he then went to sleep. I am convinced my husband is watching out for us. He might even be pushing my sister to move closer to us since that is only way I will have some peace. She understands me quite nicely and I will be able to see her and kids at least once a month and holidays.

May 15, 2013
To Jenny & Melina, Nirmala
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny, We finally saw your post; it does take too long. Glad that you're a little better, like me you caught a chill, my neck has been bothering me on top of my stomach. Must get to another specialist because with this and my pain for Hugo, I am really depressed. Good that Kacey wears his little yellow coat. Maybe Ken is staring through Kacey's eyes. It's OK if Kenny speaks up a storm, so will Hugo if they get going on a subject they like and know about. I'm grieving terribly, and am angrier than ever. I still say his life was taken too soon. Will write later. Love, Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina, I responded to the "vagus" message, and I don't want you to ever blame yourself. It happened for what reason, I do not know, but I don't know what the doctors did or planned.
About the house sale, I didn't put mine up just for the reasons you said: can't depart with things, can't even look or move them around yet.
Don't want to ever, but I know I will some day.
It's going to be very stressful, sad for you, but you will get it done if you really can't stay.
I'm trying to do a lot, but I will stay until next year at least. This house is way too big for me alone, and without Hugo, too much to handle, and too much to pay the idiots who come here and don't do a good job. I feel how you do:
one day clear and maybe willing to go on; the next day, wanting to never go on anymore. It is frustrating. I also think that I can't keep writing on here forever, but who else do we have?
Where are you going? Staying in Florida?
I have no advice because I am too lost in this going back and forth with disbelief, sorrow, and anger about his death. Will write soon. Love, Lisa

Dear Nirmala, I wrote to you on email, so you and I are up to date. You seem to be getting much stronger now than you were the first day you wrote on this page. I'm happy you can do it, I believe your children and dogs make the difference. I am too alone, too sensitive, and too much in a kind of denial that all this happened to Hugo. He just looked too well before all of the things took place--quickly, like a shock or a dream. I am very frustrated that I lost him, when others who have lousy men still have them. I'll write later. Love, Lisa

May 15, 2013
Liz. M
by: Jenny

Dear. Melina, your last blog could have been written by me, I had all those emotions when I decided to sell the house. I had the biggest panic attack when I realised what I had done, even the enormous task of dealing with so much in the house, I made myself physically ill. The for sale sign is still out the front but I have put it on hold, all it has done is cost mr
money. The property market is good here and the agent already had a buyer, I think I've pretty well decided to stay here.
Dear Liz, do you know what is wrong with your stomach, are you eating ok, I knew I was either not eating or just eating the wrong food, I changed that around a bit and also eat yoghurt every day. I also take a good vitamin tab each day, I don't know if that helps.
Melina when you say you Iive in the tropics where are you. If you do sell will you stay in the same area. I guess you want to downsize. We downsized a few years back to asmaller property, but this house has a lot of things in it. One of the first things I did after Ken died I shredded a lot of private papers. Ken was a hoarder and the garage is a nightmare , it was full of guys trash and treasure, with the three boys at least they do help and I give them the tools etc that ken loved so much. I am happy about that as Ken looked after his things, some of the tools actually belonged to his dad.
I hope you both manage to have a reasonable day today, I don't really know what's a reasonable day anymore, but I think you understand what I mean.
Be back tomorrow
Love to you all
Jenny

May 15, 2013
Melina
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina, I just read your May 14th post to all, and especially your message to Jenny about your husband's illness, the unknown source of his cancer, and the vagus episode. I cannot understand why the hospital "kicked" him out, and why they did not set up any kind of plan for chemo, where to target the cancer, further tests like mri's, cat scans. Didn't they say chemo would be an option? This upsets me because when Hugo was diagnosed, they knew it had spread, but after sending him to a NYC hospital for another very special scan, and second opinion of the cancer surgeons, and after he was told he had 2 weeks to live, he was sent home with tpn (a nutritional drip from the bag and pole), but Hugo woke up the next morning very sick, and his local doctor here decided to put him into ICU. There after stabilizing his many bad symptoms, his oncologist started chemo, to at least alleviate the pain. After so many situations, I don't want to repeat, he continued the chemo, went to Baltimore, Md, to see if a specialist could operate-NO, BUT WE WENT ON WITH THE PLAN AND PRAYED FOR A MIRACLE. HE LASTED 10 MONTHS. THEN HE COULDN'T LAST ANY MORE, NOTHING COULD HELP, HE DIED IN MY ARMS. AND IT WAS A HORRIBLE DEATH.

you cannot blame yourself, apparently your husband was sicker than the doctors thought or did anything about. You could not know he was going to have that vagus event, which usually is not very severe, only usually causes unconsciousness, or fainting. He must have been so sick that his heart was affected. Don't blame yourself.

Just because my husband lasted, each day, I said to myself, is this the day? I watched him constantly. Do you think I didn't feel helpless that night when he was dying? I think maybe it would have been easier on him to have died in his sleep, but no, he suffered. We don't know why things occur the way they do.

Right now, I am trying to figure out which doctor to see about my stomach which is constantly in disruption. I'm scared because Hugo is not here to tell this to, and to take me to the doctor and to comfort me. On top of crying for him, I have this which makes me just want to die.

So, I understand how you feel. We are really left with so much grief that we cannot help ourselves. I'll write later, feel too sick now.
Love, Lisa

May 15, 2013
Liz nirmala Melina
by: Jenny

Hello Liz, Wednesday 4pm, freezing cold, doesn't help my dark moods. Liz you need to grieve in your own way, other people have no right to tell you how you should feel. I don't care about those kind of people in my life anymore, one day they will find out, or maybe not, maybe they didn't have the capacity to love like we all did. They say the deeper the love the deeper the hurt.kacey and I have spent the last couple of days in bed, I've been really off colour, I think I told you I was chilled cutting down a tree. Tomorrow I hope to get to the plaza to do a couple of things.
Melina you put into words exactly as I feel, this feeling of loss is unbearable, I know this might sound strange but I can't imagine my life without Kacey, he was Kens little buddy, at times I catch him just sitting there staring at me and I think is that ken looking at me through his eyes or is it just wishful thinking. Sometimes I think just one more cuddle with Ken would make me feel a little better.
Our husbands all sound so much alike, even down to little things, there was nothing I didn't like about Ken. Ken was in the army for awhile years ago, he loved it but would have preferred the Air Force.
Nirmala you have such faith which I admire, I've lost all that, I have no parents or siblings, my only brother died suddenly just before Christmas. I'm grateful I have my three boys, but two of them live interstate so I don't see them very often.
Liz I hope you are ok, I have figured out that the weekends are the worst for our posts being so slow and sometimes not appearing. A nice thought Hugo and Ken in heaven, once wound up Ken would talk for ages, he was interested in so many things. Wish I was capable of travelling I would love to spend time with you ladies.
I hope to write again later
P.S. Liz, Kacey is warm, when he goes for a walk he wears his little yellow coat, looks so cute, it makes people smile.
Love to all
Jenny

May 14, 2013
What happens if I sell? ~~ 11:00pm May 14
by: Melina

Days are becoming a little more harrowing. I have been working on getting our property spruced up like we would do every spring. I have also spent time trying to declutter the inside as it became a mass of piles of different things. Some of them hospital oriented and then paperwork that has accumulated over the years that I knew I needed to tackle. Lots of different stuff. I had the intention getting as much as I could somewhat organized so that I could put the house up for sale. I have managed to do that. The place is really what we always called it……”home”. Problem is I just cannot keep it. There is so much work to do landscaping which my beloved would do every Monday for the truck to pick up. Living in the tropics requires major maintenance because everything grows like mad. The bills to carry it for just me are tasking me with having to work constantly. I’ve done a thorough clean now and it was ready.
I had put a For Sale by Owner sign up three weeks ago and realized it was too tiny and I stuck a larger one up last weekend. I am getting responses and I am worried that the house may sell. The first real positive sign I got that might congeal into a purchase I broke into small little pieces and my work mate listened to me crack. I realized that if the house sells then I am going to have to do something about all the “things”. Clothes, shoes, furniture, cat, cars, tools, garden equipment, but most terrifying is that my husbands studio will need to be dismantled. I am scared. I am more than scared. I am not going to be able to do this myself and I don’t know who to ask to help me. There are family members again who have offered but it is one of those situations where they are more interested in what I can give them than my emotions. I am trying to decide how and what I am going to do with all of it.
Then after the sale then I need to decide about living. I am really thinking long and hard about that right now. I thought I would have a little more time to get my affairs in order and I may still. Nothing is signed yet. But I am feeling an ongoing rush of foreboding. A sort of omnipresent signal that this is a time of major decision for me. Will I manage to reorder my life or will I cave to my disordered instincts?
I get moments of clarity like I am able to continue on and then when I crack and crash I am just clear as a bell that I will not put myself through this pain anymore. I remember how alone I am and that asking for people to recognize my hurt for the rest of my life is insane. No one is going to do that. I cannot see myself writing on this blog forever explaining how badly I feel damaged by the loss I have sustained . I am seeking answers and there are none.
I cannot grasp the value of living without my beloved to share life with me. My thoughts are barely clicking in my brain and I am going to have to deal with moving at some point. This is hell. Right here. Right now.
Love, to all, Melina

May 14, 2013
To all of us ladies who grieve for their great husbands
by: Lisa (Liz)

Today, it seems that only Melina and I wrote and got our messages through. Anyway, it's evening in NY, and I'm going to settle in for the night. My prayer is that we have a visit from our spouses in our dreams tonight. It's been a usual day of tears, pain in my heart for me and for all of you.
Love, Lisa (Somebody, please write tomorrow).

May 14, 2013
Jenny, Tuesday, May 14, 2013 12:45 US time
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny, As you sleep now, it's lunchtime, or so. Not going out today, maybe tomorrow.
Your posts take long I know; I'm not worried.
Thinking about Kacey and his haircut. Hope he isn't cold with less hair. I can't believe how time just passes, and nothing changes for us.
Sometimes I wish Jesus would return, make it the end for us all so we can be resurrected and together. That is what I get from the scriptures of the Bible. You don't have to be religious to have some kind of faith--which I better get more of so that I can believe that Hugo is gone in the flesh, but waits for me in the spirit. What is the body, just a place to keep your spirit, until it gives out. I pray to God I'm right in my thinking, and that we will enjoy a great life again together.

They say that kindred spirits meet up--those who have so many similar likes, etc., will end up being buddies in heaven. So, when we get there, you'll see Kenny and Hugo together. Wouldn't that be great. I believe both of them made us go on this web page and meet.

Sleep well, write when you can. By the way,
Hugo made me get that Kitchenaid electric professional mixer 25 years ago. It was used 3 times--not by me, but by him. I don't bake. So, it sits on the kitchen counter and all I do with it is dust it every day! My life is such a bore, I'll just clean the house all day, and try to avoid trouble. I hung up the American Flag to have it up for Memorial Day the end of May. I honor my soldier, Hugo, and all the vets. My husband always put out the flag, as did my Dad for all the patriotic holidays. I'm proud of Hugo and his service to our country in a dangerous, uncalled for war for young boys who died so young, for what? But, it's over, however the sting of that Vietnam war will never leave this country--it is a bad legacy; had I known things then, I'd have told Hugo not to go, but I doubt it would have stopped him--he was a proud American, and did what he was asked to do. Maybe that's why he is gone now--being poisoned with tht Agent Orange, that slowly killed a lot of vets from that war.
Bye for now, Love, Lisa who is trying hard not to cry all day.

May 14, 2013
All the ladies
by: Nirmala

A couple of months ago, when my pain was more raw and unbearable a good friend of mine told me let's not talk depressing thoughts about Sujit, we need to talk nice thoughts. I was thinking i am the one that lost her husband let me do the talking and you listen, that seems to be a foreign concept for all these people that give us advice to move on. One suggestion that really hurt me was when another friend told me it could have been worse, meaning losing a kid is worse than the spouse. How can it be worse, I will give my life for my kids but imagine if something happens to a child if you have a suppose next to you to cry with you and whatever else. Anyway grieving is just a horrible place I wish I could have visited much later in life. I am convinced there is a devil taking care of things up above otherwise why should there be so many horrendous people walking around and good decent people are taken away.

May 14, 2013
Going to a bad place again~ May 14 10:30am
by: Melina

Dear all,

The last couple days have been excruitating. Jenny you said your husband died ten days after his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer. My husband was in the ER on the day before Xmas, operated on the day after and told that he had terminal cancer the origin not identifiable for sure at the time. He was kicked out of the hospital on Jan 11th and died Jan 21st. Lasted one day shy of a month. We really never had time to absorb the severity and shock of what had occurred. He was too busy fighting for his life thinking there would be some sort of time to recover. He died in our home after falling off the toilet. I was told he had a vagus episode. I was getting ready to take him for his first doctor appt that morning. I found him on the bathroom floor about ten minutes of when he might have fallen. Too late. He had already stopped breathing. I called 911 but to no avail. No matter what anyone can say I wasn’t there in time. I don’t hear well and if he had called out to me I coulnd’t here because I was in the other bathroom. I can’t go on like this. Writing this I want to crawl into a ball and cry myself to death. I seriously cannot keep living what is a nightmare. I cannot live this and call it life. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to work right now and pretend that somehow life goes on. My life stopped the minute I found my husband. I am guilty of not being there when he needed me the most. I am a shambles because I cannot get over the hurt. I realize now how much of my life was based on his caring for me. I am rambling and I can’t figure out how many times and ways I have to repeat how I feel until the pain subsides. It is raging again and I am digging deeper into that damn abyss. I have had maybe one good day out of the last four and a half months. This cannot continue. At times I am rational and most of the time I am just lost. Need to go and get my act together. No help just misery. Would like to have a way out. The dread of living is overwhelming me again. Sorry. Just need to write it out. I keep hoping it will help.
Melina

May 14, 2013
To Melina - Continuation of my lst post on 5/14,
by: Lisa

Melina,

Anyway, I know for sure, my husband died with the feeling he left me behind, worried, and he left things undone, and worried how I would manage with things in this house.

Also, he knew my selfish family, and that the would not be there for me, only for our money when I die. Do you think they will take care of me. My lawyer suggested to me that he should write up that I don't want to go to a nursing home, so some of my money should be put into the trust to take care of me at home.

My heart hurts a lot because of missing him, and not liking anything about life any more. I love looking at what he did in the house, but I hate it overall because he's not here.

I can't explain a lot of my inner feelings and day to day reason for crying at everything and anything. that is why I stay home unless I have to go out. Maybe that's my problem, but for now, I'd rather stay home where I can cry if I want to.

I ask God to return him--like that will happen. Why should God chose my request over a zillion requests he gets from people who have the same request about their beloved departed? Besides, God won't do anything like that with this world the way it is--a media circus. Then, I say, if he returned, how would we explain his life now?
How would he get identification. He'd probably arrested for impersonating a dead man. I still ask and I tell God that I think my husband deserved to live longer.

So, for now, I'll end this, and write later.
I will spend the day trying to keep busy. I used to keep busy cooking, but now I just cook plain stuff for me to eat if I'm hungry. No enjoyment. Just to stop the stomach pains, etc, and to have something my stomach so I can take a pill if I have to. Pills of all sorts bother me, always have.

Bye for now. Thanks for addressing my problems with "her." Love, Lisa

May 14, 2013
Reply to Melina, 5/14/13 9:30 a.m., Tuesday
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina,
I read your long, helpful post; but as you and I know, our writing to each other helps validate that we are not "abnormal" in our deep emotions and feelings because we definitely have been through the worst thing that can happen to us. The finality of Physical Death of our husbands is something so difficult to describe. We feel the same things, but we all have our personal memories, difficulties, and inner things that we just don't share--at least not yet.

You're right about taking people who are selfish and don't care about me in small doses. My husband, (if and when)he happened to hear my end of a phone conversation with my "mean" sister, would give me the signal to cut it off. He said I used to let her go on too much.
My day today will be to stay home; I have no where to go, why waste gas? Also, it's cold today for Spring, so I'll just hang out here and cry, and think, and think too much. I have a list of things that need to be looked after, and of course it worries me. All I needed to do in the past was call my husband at work and tell him. As soon as he got home, he would fix it or at least assess the situation. That's over for good; not that those things mattered, what mattered is just "having him" and the security of being a great couple, in love, in harmony, and having the same outlook on life, the same values, etc...ALL GONE. I'M ALONE TO THINK ALONE, FIGURE THINGS OUT ALONE. I HATE IT. When he was sick, I kept a long journal type of paper that has attachments to it about his long journey in the darkness of that horrible cancer--it started with a welcome home sign from his initial visit, and then I added each day's regimen, chemo, labs, hospital visits, stays, scan results. Also, I added personal notes, like "I love you, we'll get through this." I just looked at it the other day for the first time since he died, and it hurt to see the past, gone. I can remember moving it from the kitchen door to behind a door in a spare bedroom after he died. PAST. GONE. JUST WRITTEN NOTES THAT MEAN NOTHING NOW. NO MIRACLE, AND A HORRIBLE SCENE WHEN HE DIED, RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD.

My family's solution: move out of there. I love this place (our place), and I can't think about packing up so many things and leaving this house that he loved and showed his love with a lot of work he did even though he had such little time after work and on the days he had off to do them. He used to cram things in, and we never got to go out so many weekends because he was tied to this house. He was a perfectionist, and he believed in preserving things and not letting thing go.

I have days I want to just end it; then I say, he saved for me to be able to stay at least 2 or 3 years comfortably, and not rush because before he died I had told him I didn't want to put the house up for sale. He understood finally, and he told me we won't. Space run-out. Continue later, Love, Lisa

May 14, 2013
Can we stop the hurt?~~ part 2
by: Melina

That’s another time when I just close down and refuse to deal with the reality of what has happened to me. I think you are doing the same thing. Personally I am resigned to the fact that I am never going to get over my husbands death. This is what is real for me. I can’t accept living alone. I guess that is a choice. I am unwilling to do the work necessary that would allow me to cope in a more positive manner. Is it right? Only I can answer that. You must answer for yourself. Nothing I can say will give you the aswer you seek. Each of us is looking for that answer. I guess some of what I look at to evaluate where I am is balancing the past with a future. How do we look at life now? What makes the present valuable?
Talk to us about Hugo , Lisa. Tell us about him. We listen. We know where you are. I think you answerd your own question that you asked about your sister. “She always has gotten to me, she is not of the same heart as I am. Sometimes she is downright cruel, and she tends to influence her daughter against me”. If you know that about her then you musn’t let her use your emotions as a means of hurting you. If she cannot hear you cry or talk about your feelings then you need to step away from that hurt. Don’t put yourself in that position. I have the same problems with some of my family. I find they hurt rather than help sometimes so I contact them in small doses.
It hurts me to think they can’t understand where I am but I’d rather not hurt myself more by getting too close too often. At least that’s the way I handle my family that doesn’t get it.
Time to get to bed. It’s midnight and I never used to stay up later than 10:00pm Now I’m all over the lot. Normally not falling asleep until 1 or 2.
Good night. Breathe deep. At least once.
Love to you,
Melina

May 14, 2013
A way to stop the hurt?~~ part 1
by: Melina

Lisa, You are a very kind person. I can tell through your writing. You care about how others feel and yet you don’t understand why they can’t feel for you. I have the same problems with my own family.
How could your sister feel like you? The worst thing she has probably ever lost was her purse. No one except us can get to the place where your mind is now. You can even explain it to people and when you are done they return to their happy place and leave you in the dust. You and the rest of us are living a surreal existence. We have no more connection to the reality of where everyone else lives. Their lives are going on like nothing ever happened because it hasn’t. We never would know it either had it not happened to us.
Bottom line though, this is about you. You have nothing to apologize for. To anyone. None of us do. We have lost the most precious person in our lives. Our lives have been destroyed. The older we are the more difficult it will be to start over again. That’s saying we need to want to. Finding the reason to start over is the hard part.
Those who think we must move on are deeply terrified of emotion. They try to get us to fit our behavior into their own dsyfunctional frame of reference. Your emotion is pure. It is authentic. It is a place of your truth. I can’t remember a time when I have felt so deeply scarred. Yet nothing shows on the outside. No one can see the damage. They simply cannot appreciate the wounds we have sustained.
Don’t let it get to you. That’s why this blog is good. It allows us to express our feelings and be understood. Those who canot understand us I think feel their own vulnerability to death and the hurt they see. They protect themselves against it by dismissing it. Unfortunately they too will have a day when they will have to deal with the pain. I’m not sure if I would know the right things to say to them even having been through it myself. Trying to imagine how death feels is like having to imagine how being a person of a different color would be treated. We cannot know until we walk that path.
I too am having a really hard time touching, seeing my husbands favorite things. I guess so much of who they were is reflected in the items they enjoyed that our own joy is intimately affected by the experience of still having them around us. The things they cared about we care about. I don’t know how to turn it around though. I haven’t been able to move anything. I too have these horrible feelings as I look at what is left. It’s like all my dreams sit there with no possibility of being realized.

May 13, 2013
For Melina, 3rd post of the day
by: Lisa (Liz) 5:50 pm 5/14

Dear Melina,

I've written 2 posts, but they haven't come up yet. I just thought about this: you are one of the most eloquent writers whose words grab our heartstrings and visualize you, your husband, your life past and present. It's like a painting your husband painted and you transformed it into this series of postings on this web site.

You ought to seriously think about writing a book. I started one--in draft form, however, I'm struggling through it because this is a difficult subject. We can take so much from what all the woman are saying about their grief, and put it into a book to help others. Maybe that would be cathartic for you. Love, Lisa

May 13, 2013
If I hear "move on" again...
by: Anonymous

Dear Bonded Woman Joined by Grief,
A "selfish dope" just told my friend who just lost his wife to "move on, it's been a year."
The "dope" was a psychiatrist recommended by a friend who goes to him for other reasons.

I don't know about any of you, only what I read on these posts, but I will not move on now, and maybe, no, not maybe, SURELY, never. My husband is still connected to me spiritually, and I will re-connect with him when I pass away.

No wonder I didn't go for counseling.

Pain, loss, grief, heartbreak, those "dopes" only know about the junk they study and read, and go back to your childhood to blame everything. I guess grieve so deeply because I had such a bad childhood, I didn't get 10 barbie dolls for my birthday, or a $1,000 prom dress.

Help! Another grieving wife, Anonymous
p.s. MY WORD TO TYPE IN IS septic, and that's where the Move on quote belongs.

May 13, 2013
A P.S. to Melina
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina,

I already responded to both you and Jenny on the same posting.

I'm writing to you again about Skype. After I stopped writing, I looked for a microphone I used to have; can't find it.

One thing I didn't say to you that hurts me:
Whenever I look into the cabinet in my husband's favorite room (media room) with his hi-def TV, I see all his dvds, cds, equipment, the woodwork wall he built to fit his TV into--very special and artistic, then I see his headphones, etc., then I look into the living room credenza where he kept a lot of bottles of liquor and liquers he received, never drank them--he didn't drink and only smoked at a teen into his early 20s; he quit after Vietnam. When I see all the things he and I accummulated over 44 years, I get so sad. How will I ever part with things he watched, listened to. I even have all his reading glasses, things from 44 years ago, a lot of stereo equipment, wires in the basement, tools, all REMIND ME HE IS GONE, WILL NEVER USE THEM, TOUCH THEM, ENJOY THEM. IT GIVES ME A FEELING I CAN'T EXPLAIN. BUT IT'S HORRIBLE. HOW DO I TURN THAT AROUND?
how do I deal with? AND IS MY SISTER RIGHT TO SAY I SHOULD NOT BOTHER HER NOW ABOUT CRYING AND MISSINGMY HUSBAND WHO HAD A TERRIBLE CANCER, AND HER HUSBAND WHO WAS JUST DIAGNOSED HAS A CANCER THAT IS TREATABLE AND HE HAS BEEN DOING WELL.

Melina, maybe I need an outsider's point of view?
She always has gotten to me, she is not of the same heart as I am. Sometimes she is downright cruel, and she tends to influence herdaughter against me, I believe so.

What do you say?
I have unlimited calling U.S. and can call here, but not Australia, but I have to figure out about this skype stuff from my neighbor or a friend.
I can call you, but I will not put my phone number on this web page. Maybe there is way we can put our numbers through some kind of code system????

Will write later, have to eat something.
Thanks for any answer you can help me with about if I did anything wrong just sayingI miss my husband, after I tell her her husband will be more than better when he finishes his treatment.
Should I just shut up to my own family about Hugo. I reall all over that family is supposed to comfort you. I DO NOT EQUATE HUGO'S LETHAL ILLNESS TO HER HUSBAND'S, BUT CANCER IS CANCER. I DIDN'T INTEND TO UPSET HER, THAT IS FOR CERTAIN.

Love,Lisa

May 13, 2013
To Jenny & Melina
by: Lisa (Liz)

Jenny, I can't really write a lot, my head is so foggy and my sister upset me. I'm sorry you caught a chill taking down a tree with your son.
Sounds like your psychologist and other things are helping you. Maybe when I get to 3 years' time, I'll be somewhat better. I doubt it.
My sister just informed me that because her husband is going through chemo (still works and is fine), that I should shut up about crying over Hugo.) What do you think about that? She told me off. I should hide the fact that I feel sad. I tell her her husband will better than all right, but she says she wants to hear positive things, not things like death and I cry. I'm sick and tired of my family. Also, glad yo told me about the bread machine; Hugo wanted one too!
I'll write later. Love, Lisa

Dear Melina, I know you can read what I just wrote to jenny so I won't repeat the stuff about my sister, etc. What do you think?
I'm really shocked, but maybe I did the wrong thing to expect comfort from them. They didn't even go to the cemetery yesterday. I was right, they didn't bother with me because I cried to her daughter that morning. They are crazy, I think.
Whom should I tell? Should I just pretend he didn't die and I'm fine.

You're going better, at least you're eating. I understand about the house. I wrote down all the instructions about my house, I went to my lawyer, I have a list of things they have to do, I have a funeral, mass, burial arrangements written out, etc. I feel it's necessary because no one will have to scramble around doing it all in a hurry and wrong. I'm alone, and I must do this--I am a very efficient person who doesn't put things off and I don't want to leave a mixup about what to do.
I'll write later, ran out of space. The phone call is better, I know nothing about skype, and can't realy bother with it now. Love, Lisa

May 13, 2013
Liz&melina
by: Jenny

It's just gone midnight Monday here and I'm in bed but not sleeping. Melina you say exactly the feelings I have it's been 3 years since Ken died, I'm not sure if you know but like Lizs Hugo he died of pancreatic cancer, ten days after he was diagnosed. It has been overwhelming, I have terrible panic attacks, for a long time I couldn't even go out, I would break down and cry and rush home. It would rush over me like a tide I would try and control it, it's getting a little better.
I have three adult sons, all married, the middle one has my 4grandchildren. Two live interstate and the youngest about 40 minutes away.
Like you I have been thinking of selling the house and moving interstate with my middle son, but I am having second thoughts about it, so at the moment it is on hold for awhile, I may have decided wrongly, I'm not sure. It's such a big decision.
I don't know much about Skype, Ken was the computer expert and I relied on him, I barely manage by myself. My son set my ipad up for me, so if I have a problem I have to ring him
I have a notebook computer too, my email is on that but mostly I use the ipad, because of the convenience of being easy to use in bed.
Dear liz, I hope you are doing ok, don't let your relatives get to you, they will never understand how you feel until it happens to them. I have figured out that if I can get someone to mow the lawns I can manage to stay here. The house is only 15 years old and because of the flood everything in it is new, so I have nothing to replace or worry about. I know that no matter where I live I will never find happiness again.
My little fella is gently snoring, I wonder if all dogs do that.
Our other dog would watch Tv but Kacey doesn't.
Will be back tomorrow,
Love to all
Jenny

May 13, 2013
Liz, Jenny Melina
by: Nirmala

Melina, I was surprised you liked Indian food. I too lived in south India, I grew up in Madras. My son is a very picket eater, I attribute it to a little bite of a messed up childhood. In the sense I had to leave him with my mom at one month old and work. I complicated by starting solid food too soon and so when the time came for solid food he would not eat. He lived on milk for a while, at that point he was really iron deficient. I ended up giving him liquid iron, I guess he has a psychological problem associated with food. But he is getting better. The other day he was telling me he needs to grow a few inches at least, so I have been trying to get him to eat healthy food. My daughter enjoys most of the food I cook, spicier the better for her. I have enjoyed cooking all these years, especially my husband's friends loved my food. They all but disappeared. I need to make new friends.
My brother's family lives 10 minutes away from home but they have not visited me since my husband's birthday Feb 3 rd. They did not even invite us for mother's day. But I am learning to live

May 13, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I hope you have a better day today, I am constantly surprised by the way Hugo and Ken were similar, Ken couldn't cook, actually I think he didn't want to, but for some reason he wanted a bread machine, I told him I didn't want anything to do with it, told him I wasn't go to wash it etc, well he cooked bread for awhile but them gave that idea away. Ken was also artistic loved oil painting, he was going to get back into it but never did. He was also a non drinker, we both were, when he was younger he smoked for awhile but gave it uo a long time ago
I had an awful night last night, my youngest boy and I were outside in the rain cutting a tree down and I was so chilled. And so depressed , sounds like a bad night all round
Today I went to the psychologist, I don't know if it does any good, but she did agree that people don't talk about it enough, also that other people just don't understand, doesn't matter if they are friends or relatives. I don't let them get to me anymore, but you can't help remembering how we were there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on.
My girl friend says to me don't let them change you, but it did hurt at the beginning. Ken and I never said no to anybody
It's 6pm Monday at present, I going to get a sandwich and will write again tonight.
Please look after yourself liz, hopefully things will eventually get a bit easier soon, we can at least hope.
Live to you Jenny

May 12, 2013
I do see all your posts and appreciate all your writing.......
by: Melina

Liz,

I see all your posts and read them through tender eyes. I know you are feeling really bad. Would it ever help you if we were to talk on the phone? I am not sure if that works as writing is still keeping a distance but maybe? I don't know....maybe.
Skype works internationally too so if you have it set up on your computer and Jenny does the calls are free. It''s really easy to set up. I use it for work. It also has video so if you wanted you could use that option too while talking.

Anyhow, Just wanted to add this so you might feel better. Good night.......

Love to you,
Melina

May 12, 2013
A wifes' story...Part 2
by: Melina

(Part 2)
I think I am in a holding pattern right now because everything I had to do in order to get the house in some sort of order to be able to market it I have done and now I am waiting. I am not sure how when the day comes to sell it I am going to react. Right now I can’t think about it.
I do know that I am alone though. As much as what family or friends want or try to be there nothing is going to replace/give comfort like the presence of my husband. I am adrift and rowing alone. The question foremost in my mind is how long can I do this? I have been determined to change my circumstances. I am still pretty determined I just feel it will come at the correct time.
My goal in selling the house myself is to not have the place be just some burden for someone in my family to have to deal with casually. We worked so hard to put this place together. I need to honor our hard work. I am going to take the job of getting it sold on my own. Once I sell it and I can then either take the money and use it myself or give the money away. Right now I don’t know which decision will be made. I think it will be made based on how I feel then.
Things are so static. I watch my physics videos hoping that somehow what they say about what they already know about the origin of life and the universe will somehow spark a feeling that even though he is gone that I am still somehow connected. I just can’t give up the hope that we are still connected. I guess that’s why I am so distressed. I just feel no connection anymore. All the bs about how the memories sustain you is just that…..bs. I have no connection now and before he died I had connection every day. 24/7. And it was the most beautiful connection. How is someone supposed to understand how they give that up? That it just goes away and there is no connection anymore.
I’m going to go crawl in bed now. Getting tired and need to rest my body. It gets so tired so easily nowadays. I’ll watch more of my videos until I fall out. I hate that I have to use a laptop in my bed to help me get to sleep. I am using crutches to get through each day and night and I am really tired of living like this. Wish one of us had an answer as to how we get over it.
Love to you, Melina


May 12, 2013
A wifes' story.....part 1
by: Melina

Dear Liz,
I feel really bad that you are having such a rough time. I wish I could help. I don’t really know what to say to myself at times so I am not sure I say the right things even on here. I just keep writing how I feel.
At home all I do is keep distracting myself. I move from the tv to the computer to trying to eat or shower. Weekends are really tough. During the week I am “forced” to have to try and put in enough hours at work so I can keep paying the bills at the house until I can hopefully sell it. My employers have been really understanding since January and yet I feel a certain obligation to them. So i keep my mask on so that they think I am still able to contribute to their success. Making it look like I am still capable of doing the job. I need to do that as I need to keep the money coming in. It has gotten a bit better at work although they won’t be in the office for the next two months which allows me to not have to feel so compelled to go into the office and just work from home. The last time they were gone through February I did a lot more from home but either way it makes me have to do something. Maybe that is good. I don’t know. Most of the time I just want to crawl in bed.
I just can’t get over the emptiness. I sit here as I write and look at my beloveds pictures and I just can’t get it through my head that I can no longer talk with him. I can’t hold him. That there is nothing that will change this situation. The pictures show him in such a beautiful living moment I cant figure out how to translate that into death. How can he be so gone? That’s when I get depressed.
I’m not crying as frequently but last night was one of the worst in the last two weeks or so. Horrendous. Then today after lots of sleeping I have fed myself twice and actually made some devils food cupcakes. That was the one thing I used to make for us. I listen to each of you and try to relate the amount of time you have been dealing with your loss and I hear how you are still having such a hard time after months and months and I just fear my own future.
Is it possible to chart a different course? I am scared to death of when/if I sell our house. The ripping apart of the memories is not something I can contemplate right now. I will face it if/when I have to. My beloved had his studio set up in the cottage and I avoid having to go in there as his life’s work is there. All his equipment and tools. His art is everywhere and so the beauty of his hands and his heart’s work I am surrounded by. This is comforting on one hand and killing me on another. (part one…..please look for part 2,

May 12, 2013
To Jenny, Sunday night, May 12
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny,

You're asleep. I just read your post. Sorry you wiped it out before -=- it happens.

Had a terrible weekend, feel fuzzy in my head, and I feel sick. Family let downs again, and I'm not angry with my friend. She stopped by and I gave her some gifts. She understands, she lost her first husband. She knows why I speak the way I do, she knows me and knew Hugo from the hospital--she's a head dietician there. She saw the agony I went through at the hospital watching my husband so sick. Her husband had chemo with my husband--he is in remission-thank God. But she knew that Hugo was going to die; she told me the entire hospital knew, and she knew that I knew it.

I am going to bed now, and will write again in the morning. Hope you get this. Hope you and Kacey are OK. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 12, 2013
Melina, Sunday night 8pm
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina,
Even though you did not address your postings to me, I am sending this message.

I had a meltdown (or maybe a breakdown) last night and this morning. My head doesn't feel right, like I'm not here. It started because not one person in my family called me last night, and my niece called me today, and when I told her I can't take it, she said I'm being ridiculous.
I also told her that she could have met me on Friday when I went to the cemetery and I could have gone home with her instead of being alone all weekend and on mother's day. I'm not a mother, but I am her godmother; I told her I come last, and I'm sad, depressed, and done with life.
She said her mom was beeping through, she'd call me and never called me back.

Between losing Hugo, feeling sick, my head feeling funny, I think I have had a delayed post traumatic syndrome state happening now. I look around the bedroom from the bed when I am lying down, and think the same thing: did this really happen, I can't believe he's gone, I'm alone, and my life is so changed that I can't think straight any more. The dark side has taken over my entire being, and I feel that I am getting closer to ending it all. I am too grief-stricken without him, and my family has poured more grief on me by leaving me alone, when I was so good to all of them. I feel abandoned by God, because I keep asking him for help, and I get worse.

I feel sick, tired, and troubled. Mostly, I keep thinking that my husband was not supposed to die and I was not supposed to be left alone. God sees what I am going through, and how I've been--I took care of my parents with no help from anyone except my husband.

By the way, Hugo hunted and fished when he was younger, but then, after getting home from the war, and being a responsible worker, husband, etc., he never really did much of it again. His fishing rod is up against a wall in our basement, and I cry when I look at it, and when I see his childhood sled. He was also a very grounded man, never went out with the guys, never played cards, pool, or had nights out--he didn't drink--only at family occassions and celebrations with me.
He didn't cook, but I think if he had to he could. He had this inner talent for a lot of things. He went to art school for a while, but really as a hobby. Yes, I agree, our men were stubborn, thinking they had to go on no matter what pain they had -- my husband just kept going with a lot of headaches and back trouble, never complaining and doing a lot of yard work that a man twice his size couldn't do. He pushed himself to the limit sometimes. I could not stop him once he was set on doing something, especially any project for our house.

Well, I need some sleep or to get into the safety of my bed because I don't feel right.

See, I, too, do not know how to get on with life, and I have been thinking crazy things about my future. I hope I stay somewhat sane.
Love, Lisa (Liz) Hope you saw my posts to you.

May 12, 2013
Looking for.......
by: Melina

Yesterday (sat) I tried to get some things done. Supermarket shopping took hours and then I came home and made some tabouli and applesauce. What’s crazy is in the 35 years of our lives together my husband did all the cooking. I mean all of it. Down to making bread.
He was such a natural man. I loved that about him. He loved to garden. When we used to live in the Pacific Northwest he did a lot of fishing. As a youngster he used to hunt. I adored those things about him. His link to the natural world. He really did know what was important. The simple pleasures of life. An honest respect for the world that provides us with the basics of life. Not much of a party person. Mainly his connection to nature and his art. He kept me very grounded which was very important for me. Which is why now I am so lost. I know what I am missing and it is the better part of me. It is the me that he helped shape. Even with my stubborness of wanting to do things myself he allowed me the room to be me but to keep the real value of love at the front end of our relationship.
I had a major meltdown last night. I went into a hperventilation state that I had a hell of a time stopping. I had a phone conversation with a person who was a friend to both of us and it was too overwhelming. The crying and breathing made me so tired that I slept from midnight to noon and then went lights out for another hour shortly after. I am still groggy. I can’t fathom how I am going to make this stop. I am trying but it seems every corner I round there is something else that knocks me down.
Anonymous asked whether my head or stomach or we just felt physically ill at times? Yes, all of the above. One of the things I find debilitating is the anxiety. I will be trying to work and slowly creeping into my body is this sense of dread. The knowledge that what I am doing is absolutely ridiculously futile in the scope of what is important in life. For example it happens when I am at work. I am sitting making litte green markers (money) so I can pay bills. That in itself is remarkably atupid and yet essentially that is what life is. Then I ask myself…..for what? So I can sit at home by myself and enjoy what? Or I get into bed and I look at the room and I say to myself……….this is it? This is what I have to look forward to? It’s the lack of purpose. I used to have a reason to do. A reason to love what I did because I shared that with a man who gave me purpose. Now I have none. And when my brain starts to remind me of that I go into a spin. Last night was horrendous. So I tried to have decent day and it turned into another monster.
Will writing on this blog bring me around? I don’t know. Right now it gives me a place to go and not be judged. To just write and write my heart on paper. Thanks for listening as I am trying hard to hear too what others offer as solace and advice.
Love, Melina

May 12, 2013
Indian food
by: Melina

Dear Nirmala,
I wanted to write and tell you how much I love Indian food. Right now I am not eating much spice because of my stomach but in the past I thought Indian food and spices were just yummy. I guess I was surprised your son preferrred pizza over good Indian cooking especially since you probably make delicious dishes. I wanted to tell you too that one of my siblings (the oldest girl, now the matriarch of the family) spent two years living in India. It was a little town in the Trivandrum district in Kerala in South India called Mitraniketan. Her Grandfather-in-law who was a great believer in community development through education was instrumental in its dvelopment. My sister and her husband lived and worked in the community establishing a printing press and other programs. The stories of her experiences there I have always felt gave me a special connection to that part of of the world. I actually decorated their home in a rural indan theme. It’s what I used to do for a living.
I never did know about the Hindu belief of being married to the same person for seven births. A concept that I wish would be true. Especially since I don’t remember six prior births but wouldn’t that give me a little more compunction to get this one over with and start again? That way I’d only have to wait the requisite 16-25 years before I could wrap my arms around my beloved again. In all seriousness, daily I debate my ability to bring closure to my own life even with the sadness that permeates my being. But at the same time it has not deterred me from continuing a semi fasting regimen. Less food, less calories means fewer essential aminos. People diet every day. The only way I could come close to death now is to get pneumonia or some other bacterial incursion. Unfortunately I have lived a pretty clean life for the majority of it and I don’t think I am a candidate for much unless stress takes me down. Although I must say I think that is a HUGE contributory factor in how we die. I think my own husbands death was caused by stress added to an already compromised medical condition. It sounds as though your husband also had a lot of stress in his work. I think men internalize it more than women. Women try to find outlets. Men think they need to soldier on and prove they can handle all things. My beloved was like that anyhow. He was so strong which is probably now why I feel so weak. No matter how intellectual I can be about it all I end up in a puddle on the floor when I am not distracting myself from the loss of this very important person in my life. Even with the crap that we put up with when you blend two individuals lives some of us are lucky enough to have truly found a soulmate. I know I was that lucky and now my luck has run out.
Love to you, Melina

May 12, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I wrote to you hours ago but somehow I managed to wipe it off so I will start again, I was so mad.
Don't be angry with your friend, she is concerned for you , she isn't nuts. You will deal with Hugo's belongings when you are ready. I told you that it was 2 years before I could deal with it, my middle son and I did it, I could not have coped by myself.i realise now it was the right time I used to get upset seeing his clothes waiting for him, when I knew it just would not happen.i did keep his winter coat though, he always looked so handsome in it.
It's 3.30 am Monday here and it is raining, the last week has been like summer, but winter is on the way, I hate winter.
Liz you seem to be getting things in order, I hope so. I miss having someone to discuss every day things with, no one cares about every day to day problems. I manage somehow, not that so far I've had any major problems
It's been a bad night, I am so depressed I missed ken so much today, I hate special days. I get really bad and have awful meltdowns. I can hardly believe I have survived the last 3years without him, I'm so glad I have Kacey to look after and love, I would be lost without the little fella.
Today I see the psychologist, I don't know if it does any good, but I can try, something has to work some day, at the moment I just want to stay in bed.
Love to you
Jenny

May 12, 2013
Lisa
by: Rhonda

My mom and Mother in law already had me clear out my husbands things, it happened quite awhile ago. I find out through reading grieving books that you shouldn't do that until a year later, or when you're able to. I was numb helping my mom go through my husbands clothes, socks and underwear. This to me didn't make sense at all. It was like I was throwing him away.I felt like I betrayed him. I just hate getting the wrong advice. I know that they mean well but I'm not a child but sometimes they treat me like one.
My 13 year old son wanted to look at his dads pics, when he was handsome and muscular before the alcohol destroyed him. God, how I miss him. Now my son hates God and doesn't believe in him anymore. He thinks that God could have healed him. I felt that too but I don't know Gods ways and my husband may have had many chances in the past but didn't take them.Now I'm left with memories and a lot of questions. I have to try to guide my son in the right direction but he's stubborn, got that from his dad.
My husband was taken from us at an early age which I have a very hard time accepting. I don't know what to believe anymore, if the hospital could have done more or not. I feel my life is destroyed. I don't ever see anything in my life getting better.

May 12, 2013
To Jenny
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Jenny, Just read your post, glad that your son and daughterinlaw made it a nice day.

No, I don't think I have any guardian angels, and no, I do not feel Hugo's prence.

It has been a terrible weekend alone. My niece called, and when I cried and told her I'm alone and didn't know how to go on, she just said it's ridiculous. I called my Sister and her voicemail was on--I left a happy mother's day message, she hasn't called back. They are not coming, usual crap.

My girlfriend called to calm me down. Now, I have to take another shower from crying so much, my face is a mess, my hair dried, and I don't even know why I care--I'm not going anywhere, and I don't want my neighbors to see me alone on Mother's Day.

I'll write again tomorrow if I feel better.
Love to you and Kacey. Lisa

May 12, 2013
All the ladies
by: Nirmala

Another mile stone, a mother's day without my husband. 11th was worse since my husband died on the that day. Fortunately my sister and two of my friends called. Actually those are the only 2 friends that have stood by me. They came to me the day my husband passed away. Both were at work and they came as soon as they could, the one lady that lost her husband more than 3 years ago stayed with me that night. That lady still believes in god, I wonder why her husband died further down on her own street while she was waiting for him at home. Mine died at home and we still could not help him. Both husbands were doctors and after helping thousands of people could not help themselves.
Jenny, I am happy your son visited you. I try not to think too much after night fall, that is the only reason I have been sleeping decently. I deal with problems in the morning but in the night I literally push my thoughts aside. Even when I talk to people on the phone I do not talk scary things in the night, that has really helped me. Some meaningless tv also is a good idea, I still cannot watch news or any serious programs.
Wishing everybody a wonderful day.

May 12, 2013
Sunday evening
by: Jenny

Mother's Day, my son and his wife made it a nice day for me, but when they left I was upset, I really don't cope with special days. As usual Kacey and I have come to bed.
Ever since I was young, I had this total belief in angels, especially guardian angels, I read a lot about them and read that they were always present for you, all you had to do was ask, well it just isn't true.
For months before Ken died I had this reoccurring dream that no matter where we were, I was separated from him, forever searching everywhere for him but never finding him, I had a similar dream too about my dad. One night I dreamt that our other dog drowned, and I woke Ken up screaming what are we going to do now, I became scared to sleep, I feel it still causes me problems. Or maybe I just put too much thought into it.
For weeks after my dad died I felt his presence but with Ken nothing, I thought because we were so close I would, my girlfriend said it was be cause he felt free to do so. Surely he
would miss me. Has anyone felt their husbands presence?
I hope you are all ok,love to all
Jenny

May 12, 2013
To Rhonda, May 12th, Sunday
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Rhonda,
I know how you feel because I am getting worse with my grief, pain, sorrow, and I am so frightend without him. I have this big house, with just me in it; I wake up alone, eat alone, go to bed alone. I need things done outside that I don't let the lawn guy do because he charges for every little thing. My husband started doing the lawn himself on his ride-on mower, now I'm back to paying $80 a week to have the lawn cut; and if I ask them to cut all the many shrubs, etc., the bill will go to thousands of dollars.
So, that's my one problem.

But my sadness is getting worse that I can't cope.
I asked God to take me last night. I don't have everything tied up, but who cares. All tha my husband worked for will go no where. Eventually, people in my family will get it all. That bothers me because that's not what he intended; but he died, I'm left here, what am I to do. Yesterday, no one in the family called, and they wont call today--I'm not a mother--so the heck with me. My friend stopped by on Saturday the 11th because she was worried about how I was talking--she suggested maybe starting to clear out his things. I WILL NOT, AND I WAS ANGRY, BUT I DIDN'T TELL HER I WAS ANGRY WITH HER. WHAT IS SHE NUTS? i can't even touch the things in the basement that he was working on--all his tools are laying there, and sitting there, I can't stand to look at his things. His Hi-Def TV hasn't been turned on since he died.
I miss him too much, and I do not see how I am going to continue this existance without him. I have been overwhelmed with grief, worries about this place, the future, and I went to a lawyer lastweek and paid him a lot of money. The taxes will be due in September, so I have to keep taking it out of the bank.

My husband didn't expect to die at this age, and he knew I'd be left behind alone. I am alone, lost, and wanting to just die.

It's mother's day, I have to call my sister, but no one will bother to call me. I went to the cemetery on Friday to see him, my parents and aunt, and no one in my family called me to see if I got home safe, etc. How do they think I feel left with no one to bother with me, and no husband anymore? Lousy, and wanting to die.

Rhonda, I don't know what to say because I feel the same way. Love Lisa (Liz)

May 12, 2013
Can't get in...To Melina, Sunday l:50 am
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina,

I'm up in the middle of the night (morning) Sunday because on Saturday night, I went to bed at 5:30 pm--no one called me or came, and I was upset, the weather was bad, and I felt ill with heartache and stomach trouble.

YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW IS 110% CORRECT--I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THESE THINGS, I'VE READ IT IN WELL-KNOWN BOOKS BY LEGITMATE WRITERS--THE REASON I BELIEVE IT IS THIS: whenever I tell people close to me, or even if I should discuss my sorrow with a complete stranger (I do that sometimes when I breakdown in public and a nice person asks what's wrong), they all tell me when I tell them I get no signs from him, no dreams, that I am crying, tense, angry, and very "closed" too much, and he can't get in, he can't reach me and it is frustrating him. So, one night, I was up because I heard a sound, and I lay there in bed stiff, and I think I felt a presence in the room, and I asked, "Is that you Babe?" No answer, but I felt someone walk into our bedroom.
It hasn't occurred again.

So, because I don't "feel" his energy,etc., I start saying, "he forgot about me, he's gone somewhere else, is happy, and is done with me,m the house, etc." I communicate with him by asking him to please try to ask God to return him to earth; I also blink a bedroom light 3 times before I go to bed, and when I get up. It means "I love you." I often look out a certain window at the stars, and sometimes, I'm not kidding, I see a certain star that I dwell on since he passed, and it seems to be writing something like I love you in a crazy motion, very fast. Maybe it's my binoculars, but I see it, not all the time, but it happens.

That's when I cling to some kind of hope, But lately, I've been horrible--telling him and God, I won't go on, as soon as I'm done with legal things, I'm out of here because I SIMPLY CAN'T. IT SOUNDS COWARDLY, AND MY HUSBAND WOULD SAY IT MAKES HIM ANGRY WITH ME. BUT I HAVE REPEATED THAT ALL WEEK.

In my much spare time, I search for answers to death, heaven, God, how one feels when dying, and all sorts of things. Some web sites are helpful, some are off the wall, and I don't go back. I also write letters to my husband and place them inside the book where I have his eulogy I wrote and read. So, 80% of the people I spoke to about afterlife agree there is one, the Bible version, and NO REINCARNATION. ONE LIFE, ONE DEATH, ONE REUNION.

Back to bed. I hope to sleep some more. Love, Lisa
(Liz)=--I got that name from people teasing me calling me Liza, but I don't like it. My name is Elisa and Lisa for short.

May 11, 2013
Ptss
by: Anonymous

My friends tell me I suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome, and now i am beginning to believe them. The death of husband/wife is the worst experience (sadness) in my life in my opinion. I hate life without him.
Anon.

May 11, 2013
Physically ill
by: Anonymous

Does anyone on this page feel symptoms other than the grief? I feel physically ill in my head and my digestion too. It makes me scared because my husband is gone, and I have no one to take care of me if I get worse.

I have felt like this before, but it's worse now. Some days, I'm OK, others, I'm spaced out, and my left side of my stomach, intestines feel lousy.

Anxiety must be why.

I hate this life so much. Why bother going on?

Anonymous

May 11, 2013
Can't get in
by: Melina


I just got off the phone with one of my beloveds sisters and she said something that I think is worth repeating. Let me see if I can get this right.

I was explaining to her how impossible it is to function. To see the world go round and round with all the other people doing their daily affairs and how I can’t go there anymore. How hard it is to participate. How much I hated living without my beloved. She is a pretty empathatic person and understanding the best she could she said that my husbands energy is still here with me. That, yes, his body is gone but his energy remains. The problem is I am locked up. Tighter than a drum. I won’t/can’t open the door to let him in. He is trying to give me the energy to go on with him but I won’t let him in.

Could that be possible? Am I locking him out of my energy field? Am I so locked up that I can’t open the door for him? Is my energy so low that I’ve misplaced the key and don’t want to/can’t find it? If so, have I locked him out of the house?

Love to all, Melina

May 11, 2013
To anonymous "what I miss..."
by: Lisa (Liz)

Anonymous,

We all miss everything you wrote, and a million things more--not enough space for you or any of us to list them, but that is why this group who writes on here is so sad and grieves so much: we miss, we long, we are separated, and we are also to a point angry that the life we had is over. We may not all say we are angry, but we are. I know I am and I realize I am not the only "w" (I can't write the entire title that has been forced upon me and all of us). But I do know that not all woman grieve this way perhaps because of many reasons, 2 being: A) they didn't love their husbands so much; or B) they have this outrageously strong faith and belief in the afterlife that they look at this as temporary, and will resume in Heaven.

There are so many people for whatever motives who have written books about their "near death experiences" - seeing "the light, God, angels, etc." I hope they are not exploiting us for money and giving us false hope. There are gullable people who believe things, hold on to too much hope and are disappointed, and that causes more grief. So, if they are not lying, then OK, but if they are to get money from all of us who are looking for any answers, then they should all rot.

God is God, and He exists in my heart, and maybe because I have raw feelings about my husband's untimely death, I got lost along the way. God, if so, I hope You will forgive me.

Love to all Lisa (Liz)

May 11, 2013
Lost
by: Rhonda

I want to bring up my husband to my mom but am afraid of being judged. She usually says that once I get out of this house we lived in I would feel better. I know I won't. I don't think anything will make me feel better but having my husband back. I believe in God and pray every night to help me through this but why can't I at least get sight of my husband if I can't have him back in a physical form. I know I would feel better if he would just tell me he's okay and loves me and our son.Or even if he would come in a dream I think I would feel a little better. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
No one in my family understands how bad I feel and how much I wish that I could die too. Yes, I have a 13 year old son that needs me. The pain's so overwhelming that I just don't feel I can take much more.I'm really trying hard to not think about the past but nothing helps at all. This really scares me. I was hoping that when he quit drinking in January that we could put this behind us. But no, he still had to die of that stupid Liver problem that the alcohol caused.I'm really **ssed off and hate myself for being blind. I should have known that it was just a dream.

May 11, 2013
For Melina, Saturday, May 11th, 2013 l0 a.m.
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Melina,

Thank you for saying in your recent post that my writing inspired you to start writing on this blog. I also want you to know, I broke away from the Catholic Church a long time ago. I do not judge, and who am I to really know if we miss out on our "reward" in Heaven if we disobey by taking life that was given to us. I want to believe it, and months ago, I told God I did believe so; but I cannot find my faith.

Your posts are written so eloquently; no doubt in my mind that you are a born writer, and an intelligent woman. You and your husband made a perfect pair. We did too.

I, too, had a nervous breakdown when my Mom passed away. My husband was taking me for MRI's, etc., and now I realize perhaps his cancer was lurking inside him, but we didn't know it. I keep questioning this death of his at 64 years old, and he was a young, energetic, workaholic, type A personality. Why? You're right, why do some live by a miracle and others do not???????
I get confused, so I stop reading and trying to interpret the Bible or what I read on the internet.

I don't see my husband, like T did; I wish I could, at least in a dream. Last night I had a stupid dream, and he was in it, but it made no sense; must have been because I had to get up and take a tylenol and ate a piece of bread.

My eyes are black and yesterday, I walked through the cemetery with black mascara all over my face and I went home that way. People stare, and I don't give a darn.

Sometimes I think about all that I miss as a couple with Hugo, but then I block it all out. It's too hard.

I have taken care of legal things too; I even have what inscription will go on the headstone (I will have it put on Hugo's headstone--I made it that way with room for mine). I have my obit written, and a lot of instructions, and a list of people to call. It's this big house that I can't sell now--our market is low, and I will not give this house that Hugo and I worked on so much away for nothing. He deserves that much from me; he'd be waiting for the market to get better, so I go by what he'd do.

The feral cat realizes your husband is missing. Animals have sharp instincts and feel things.
I read that in one of my "Heaven" books that I was reading when Hugo first passed away--I guess I wanted some kind of thing to ease my pain and answer my unending questions.

Well, tomorrow is Mother's day, mine is gone, and really even when she was alive, her last 5 years she didn't know me--she had demential alzheimer's for 12 years--broke my heart, and stressed me and Hugo out over it. He loved her like his own mother; his real mom left the kids behind when they were young--big mess, but my husband grew up great, and didn't need the army to straighten him out, but he went in and went "Nam. I was and still am proud of all he was. It's not who you are in life--it's how you are.

Take care; I will not preach. Wish you were in New York. Keep writing. Love, Lisa (liz).

May 11, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda Melina & T
by: Jenny

It's 11pmsaturday here I have just read all your posts, Melina you are such a lovely intelligent lady but you do make me cry please don't do anything, deyhdration is not an answer, that will cause you to have terrible headaches etc. I know how you feel we all do, after 3years, yes I know a long time, I think I cry a little less, I've stopped asking Ken why we left me, I know it was not his choice. Then I decide to stop eating the wrong food, to eat sensibly, sleep is hard to come by, sometimes I feel like I'm living in a fog, I don't even feel like myself.
Yes Kacey is my connection with Ken, he's a white toy poodle, since Ken died he suffers by really bad separation anxiety, he was really Kens , Ken would say he had never had a dog that loved him as much as Kacey did. Kacey sleeps with me, and at times he snores gently
I bet your cat will love you, we had a stray one, a ginger cat we called NIcky, she wasn't ferrel but certainly lost, she turned out to be the most gorgeous cat, it was if she appreciated us.
My girlfriend has a black cat that she has called spooks, it's very skittish, doesn't show much affection.
Hi liz, sounds like your day was tough, wish there was someway we could help, but you know we are all here for you.
I had a really bad day, I lost my purse with everything in it, spent hours almost wrecking the house looking for it,I was frantic,all my cards etc in it. I eventually found it in a coat pocket, my brain just doesn't want to work lately.
I have decided though to make a list of card numbers etc, because I would not have known who or where to contact for replacement cards.
I think we have all learned over time that the one we can rely on is ourselves, forget friends and relatives for any continued support, it used to upset me but I have learnt to deal with it. I was lonely at the beginning but now I don't care, I know it sounds mean but I think one day they will be in a similar position to me. My one true friend is my girlfriend, she lives in the same street to me and she is very supportiveu. The four of us had been friends for years, Ken and her husband where good mates.
I wish that we all lived nearby, it would probably do us all good, but I guess it is just not meant to be. Considering we started out as complete strangers with such a sad connection I feel close to you all, your posts do help me, I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore, still sad and lonely though.
Love to you all
Jenny

May 11, 2013
why we miss them, part 2
by: Anonymous

JUST THEM NOT BEING AROUND ANY MORE, AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS LEAVE, OR ARE SCARED BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED AND THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU SO THEY JUST DISAPPEAR. HOW DO GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT NOTICING EVERYTHNG I SAID IN MY FIRST POST ABOUT WHAT WE MISS? hide?
anymous

May 11, 2013
WHy WE MISS THEM
by: Anonymous

NO MORE PLANS TO MAKE TOGETHER, SMALL OR BIG

TV COMMERCIALS WITH COUPLES TRAVELING
TV COMMERCIALS WITH COUPLES BUYING FURNITURE
TV COMMERCIALS WITH COUPLES FIXING THEIR HOMES
TV COMMERCIALS WITH COUPLES MEETING AND FALLING LOVE
TV COMMERCIALS WITH ANYTHING TO DO WITH MARRIAGE
TV SHOWS WITH ANYTHING TO DO WITH COUPLES

WE MISS EVERYTHING WE HAD, AND DON'T HAVE NOW.
SO, NO ONE BUT US WILL UNDERSTAND THIS HORRIBLE WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN, ALONE, OUR BEST FRIENDS GONE, AND WE HAVE NO REASON TO LIKE ALL OF THE ABOVE AND MORE THAT LIFE WAS WITHOUT THEM.

I HATE IT ALL.

ANONYMOUS

May 11, 2013
Jenny, Nirmala, Melina,T
by: Liz (Lisa)

Jenny, I saw your Friday, midnight post. It's 4:30 a.m. here-I'm going back to bed, my stomach is acting up again, and I had a lousy day at the cemetery. I called a friend from the bus on my cell, and I got her worried the way I was talking about being alone, can't go on, etc. She wants to stop by today, but I feel so lousy, I hope she calls and I'll tell her I'm in bed sick.
I have thoughts all the time, but like you, my religion stops me and so does not wanting to upset Hugo. Of course, God, would not be pleased.

Nirmala, you gave good advice to Melina. In fact all of us are trying to help one another, but we are too sad to be like true therapists. I don't know what the answer is. I miss my husband too much.

Melina & T, We all know how you feel, but, Melina, the dehydration will only wreck your thinking, and you will get bad symptoms and end up in the ER. With cancer, many patients get dehydrated--my husband did toward the end, and he had to be hydrated with an I.V. He became disoriented, etc., and it was frightening to watch and to see him like that--he could not focus, etc., and this is a man who was alert, sharp, and energetic.

T, you seem to be strong, and that's what will get you through this. I think you know that.
I don't know about myself, I can't see my future, but I know I hate my present.

Love to all, Liz (Lisa)

May 10, 2013
Kacey must be very sweet
by: Melina

Dear Jenny,

I have been reading about your little bundle of fur, Kacey, in these posts and I need to shed a little grief. I have a little bundle of fur called Spooky which began her journey with us as a feral cat who came to our door one morning and my beloved in his nurturing way fed the poor waif some chicken. Of course they bonded and she never left. Along with that though, because she was feral too long, she never warmed to people much except my husband. (I wonder why!) She would curl up with him and let him pet her and jump into his lap (not always for long periods) but at least there was a bond. Never has she come to my lap and it hasn’t been for lack of love, coaxing or bribing.

Now, this bundle will come for food but not much else. It makes for a whole other responsibility that has me crying for the love that he gave to her and I can’t seem to provide. I am not looking for answers I just wanted to shed a little bit of what life with a pet who I might be able to care for and love and hang onto as a reason for caring would be like like you have with Kacey. It’s a little bit of your husband that keeps you tied to the ether. In my case I love the little one but the response is so sparse and dry. I am really scared of what I can do with her because this place is the only place she has ever felt protected and safe and as a former feral she really needs that. So it’s just one more thing that has me totally conflicted.

Just keep talking about your little one though. It helps to hear there is a love that binds.

Love to you,
Melina

BTW, I too was brought up Catholic but pretty much left it behind a little after I found out Santa didn’t exist. Not to be funny but you know the drill. I now believe in the natural laws of the universe and the off chance that I might miss out on redemption is highly unlikely as I’ve lived a pretty accepting life. It’s kind of like the woman that was found in the rubble of the Bangladesh collapse the other day. Everyone called it a miracle and all I could think of was why the other 1000 who didn’t make it weren’t worthy of a miracle too. It’s just that dichotomy that led me to seek other answers beyond religion and why faith in a diety just doesn’t figure as boldly in my quest for answers.

May 10, 2013
Coral anniversary
by: Melina

Dear T, I am enthralled that you were able to visualize a form that reminded you so much of your husband. It is something I long to have happen to me. I have had two events shortly after my husbands death that could be interpreted as comfort sent to me by him but nothing now in months. I beg and plead for any kind of intervention. I’m sure you do the same. You were probably wise to keep going. At least that way you can feel a bit of hope.
I don’t know how long you’ve been in the grief abyss but I am heading into 17 weeks on Monday and I can only say the crying has lessened a bit from all day for the first 12-14 weeks to the last week maybe two to three times a day but the pleas for it to stop that I utter as I sob have become much more primal. It is pretty much why I am resigned to figure a way out. I cannot live with this loneliness. Just writing this is making me admit what loneliness will mean for me and I cannot deal with it. I had what could have been easily diagnosed as a nervous breakdown (never went to a doctor)a long time ago before I met my husband and I know what precipitated it then. Loneliness. Lack of structure. Feelings of needing to be loved. No one to nurture my heart. Then I met him. Now I am right back to where I was then only about a billion times worse. And this time I know I will never have the motivation to start over. Too old and too little energy.

If you are afraid it will get worse I see you are into holistic healing I could suggest more meditation (say yoga) or just some breathing. I had been doing yoga for the last 23 years every day. I no longer do it since my beloveds death and hospitalization but it might be something that you could do to help relieve some of the stress. I just mention it because the note you wrote that the 35th anniversary was coral and that I was surrounded by it brought me to tears this morning when I read that. Coral has a very significant meaning for me and I was taken aback when I read that. It was painful but well received. I just thought I might send something you might consider back to you.

Unfortunately you’re right. This is permanent and each of us is stumbling along trying to find a way out of the forest. This is the best place I have found though to spill my tears. At least I am not judged for my inability to function. Love to you, Melina

May 10, 2013
A hard day of remembrance
by: Melina

Dear liz, I think it is quite brave of you to go visit your husbands grave as often as you do especially because it is such a long trip. It seems to me you have made supreme efforts to try and bring some light into the darkness of what we are all experiencing. Your messages were the ones that finally had me write my own after reading this blog for months before contributing. You seem to be a real compassionate person. Very embracing. It is no wonder your heart breaks for your Hugo. I bet you were his everything which is why he waited till you let him go by saying it was ok.
There’s no easy way to say goodbye. I know I don’t feel that I had closure. I still am unable to detach myself from the journey I was on with my beloved. I can’t believe it is over and yet I know intellectually that it is. Which is why my reaction is this concerted effort I am now making to get sick. I don’t have the strength to carry on. I literally don’t. The more weight I lose the less I can eat and then I get a stomachache. My face is drawn and my eyes are becoming dark pockets. I used to care how I looked. Now it’s just whatever covers my skin and bones. Though I know others advise from a viewpoint of belief that unnatural death won’t let us be with our husbands or that I have some purpose here which is why I am still here, I am just too tired of the grief to care. I figure its going to be through some luck and less food that I can be done with my charges here quicker.
I also know how you feel about no one calling or getting in touch. Family calls maybe once a week but it’s seems like it’s more of an obligation or when it is convenient for them. Because of that I have pushed them away so now they wait for me to contact them. Waiting for me to let them know I need help is just too much work. I know they mean well but they see our problems through their eyes and that is not where we are. It’s not easier but the only solution is to manage my grief alone. No one can be with me 24/7 like my beloved. I probably wouldn’t want them around all the time anyway so I guess I’m stuck with the outcome I have.
Today was ok until later when I got out to my car to come home. The thoughts of our mystical reunion 35 years ago today came flooding back and then I went into freefall. I just want to get this house sold and finish up some other business that needs to be arranged. At least it is the weekend and I don’t have to push (force) myself to put on my mask and go perform life for two days.
I hope your trip to Hugo was at least a release of some love into the universe by just being near the man who loved you so much. I think some of what we do to remember them is good for us and I keep hoping someone else can overcome the hurt. I hope I don’t add to your burden of hurt and I do thank you for all your kind words and sharing of your feelings. I just can’t write anything other than how I feel and feelings are really raw. Love to you, Melina


May 10, 2013
To: Nirmala, T, Jenny, Melina, Friday, 5/10/13
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Kindred Ladies, I just returned from the long trip to the city cemetery, and I immediately came up here first to answer all of you.

First, Nirmala, I wrote to you on the email, so you will get that.

T: I wish I'd see my husband, I was at crowded Port of Authority in NYC -- that's my first stop off my bus from home to get to my husband's cemetery resting place. I saw so many people, and I purposely looked for a glimpse of a shadow of him--NONE. Needless to say, I cried going, while there, and all the way home. "All by Myself" - the song rang in my ears all the day through. I am devastated today, feel super depressed, and I am getting into that dark corner of giving up on living. I lecture Melina, but I feel like her a lot of days. I'm alone without my best and truest, honest friend, Hugo.
Blessed Mother's Day to you. Where we're mothers or not, it's our day because we took care of our husbands, and good care too.

Jenny, your posts take a while from "down under."
So, I'll just repeat, blessings to you and Kacey, and I hope you received my emails. Today was a very bad day at the cemetery. Will write after I see your posts.

Melina, You see, I go into that dark place when I just want to give up. It's not only the cemetery visit, it's everything, people not calling, people not caring, AND BEING TOTALLY ALONE NOW THAT HUGO IS GONE. I have no parents, and my family isn't the caringest (if that's a word).
I'll write later, must wash off my black eye makeup that dripped all over my face today.
Missing is not a good word, it doesn't begin to describe the ache in my entire body, heart, soul, mind for my Hugo. I know you understand.
Blessings for Mother'sDay to all of us who cared for our husbands, and if any have children. I don't, but I feel I respected my Mom b y visiting her grave today too. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 10, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda T & Melina
by: Jenny

It's almost midnight Friday here I just read all of your posts it's comforting in a way because we all share the same thoughts and feelings, I don't doubt my sanity like I did for a long time, I would cry almost all day for weeks and weeks, have panic attacks when I had to go out, I still sleep badly, rarely cook a sensible meal , I just generally warm up snacks, and make toasted sandwiches. I miss the things I did for Ken
Liz please be careful on your trip to visit Hugo, I wish I could visit Ken more often, but it's just not possible. When someone takes me I take Kacey too, I prefer just the two of us to be there.
Nirmala I admire your faith, something which I have lost, I have never had a prayer answered, I am a catholic and at a younger age quite religious, catholic education etc, but now I think I have lost my beliefs, I try to believe that Ken was so perfect that god needed him , but then I think, no I needed him more, I'm so lonely, if it wasn't for Kacey I don't know what I would do. I promised Ken I would look after him and I do I love the little fella, he's 4kg of pure love.
Melina please don't do anything drastic, possibly we have all thought like that, maybe we lack the courage, I don't know, there is always the fear that it could go wrong. Give yourself time. I've cried a million or more tears in the last 3 years, but nothing helps.
Liz travel safely
Love to all Jenny
,
,

May 10, 2013
Liz, Jenny, Rhonda, Melina, T
by: Nirmala

All of us are really hurting, I never knew how I would make it this far. Talking and writing helps, I have a widow friend that is alone at home most of the time, so I call her a few times every day. Both of us are ok with the other one calling. That has been the therapy I needed along with the writing on this site, just seeing people in similar situation helps to realize we are not totally crazy. Melina it was nice to read your background story. You need to do whatever helps you, dying is just not an option, as hindus we believe we are married to the same person for 7 births. I studied chemistry I do not believe things blindly, but there is a purpose in all this madness. My husband bought this current house we live in last year, I am sure he did not know he would die at age 50, but he was preparing things for us. Financially he has taken care of everything even after leaving this world, I am in no state to go back to work yet. I will start working on my resume and applying for jobs soon. Sometimes I do panic about lack of medical insurance for the kids and I, the stupid partner from he'll cancelled our insurance the very month my husband died without any warning. I hope his god Allah takes care of him the way he took care of us.

May 10, 2013
To Jenny - Friday, May 10th
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,
This will be quick - it's not even 3:30 am, Im up early to get an early bus to the cemetery far away to see Hugo, my parents and my aunt.

I'm sure you will miss Kenny on Mother's Day. At least your son and daughter-in-law will come.
I'll be alone--I'm not a mother, but still, I'm a Godmother. My niece called me and they are not (again) coming Saturday. I went to bed angry again. Yesterday, I cried a lot, everything got to me about missing Hugo. I'm very depressed.

I'll write later when I get back.
Glad Kacey got his hair done. Have a blessed Mother's Day in case this doesn't get to you in time. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 10, 2013
Melina - Friday, 5/10 3:17 morning
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Melina,
I am up early to go to the cemetery to visit my husband-it is the most difficult, unreal visit I make each 10 days-he's buried at the same place my parents are--far from my home, but I get there.I can't believe he's there and not here.

Your love story is so beautiful; and he was an artist-how romantic. Your pain is so immense, I can feel on the pages you write on this web page.
People called our story a love story too, but we too had a lousy ending, too soon, too quick, and I am alone. I have no children, and the rest of the family is too selfish to keep in constant contact with me.

I understand how you want to go. What holds me back is the little bit of scriptures I do believe from The Bible, and my heart is stopping me. I too wish I could die from a broken heart. I feel that the rest of my life will be robotic, unfulfilled, and totally sad and lonely without my Hugo.

I will write later, as I must get a 5 a.m. bus for a long trip. He could have been buried here in the Veterans' cemetery (for free no less--big deal), but I wanted him next to my parents, where I knew I'd be going to see them anyway. And the hell with the military and anything from them. Their agent orange must have played a part in my husband's death and demise.

I will write to you again. Love, Liz (Lisa is my real name)

May 10, 2013
The minds way of coping?
by: T

I saw my husband sitting at an outdoor cafe as I stopped at a red light. He was wearing his white fishing shirt with the sleeves rolled up, tan shorts with his sunglasses hanging around his neck on the leather strap. My heart started racing, turn the car around, go to him, he's back. Oh God yes!.....No, don't turn around T, just keep going, don't be stupid or crazy, it can not be.

I wish I could run away but there's no getting away from this, it's permanent and the sadness will follow where ever I go. As bad as things are, I'm afraid it might even get worse. I miss him so much.

Melina, 35th wedding anniversary is traditionally the coral anniversary. According my holistic medicine book, coral is an emotional healer and brings peace. In Florida you're surrounded by coral :) Like Liz said, I hope you believe how much we care for each other here.

Jenny, Friday's are the hardest days for me too. A reminder that there is no more happiness.

Liz. I do believe our husbands live on in spirit, naybe through us and everyone's lives they touched.Stay strong as you visit the cemetery. Thank you for all of your kind words and support.


May 09, 2013
35 year anniversary~May 10
by: Melina

May 10 1978……35 years ago today the love of my life walked back into my life and we never stopped loving each other until death came knocking. As children we grew up together going to the same schools in a small little town in western Pennsylvania. I came to know later that even in 8th grade he was watching me and being young and awkward never said anything to me back then. No asking me to dance at the CYO, nothing. No real mushy stuff written in my yearbook. Then in my senior year (he had graduated one year earlier) he came calling. I was smitten as he was a really good looking blonde preppy boy who drove a great car. Ah, the juvenile priorities of teenage years. After a fall winter and spring into summer courtship I was headed off to college and he was beginning what would be his career as an artist. He asked me to marry him that summer and I didn’t know and couldn’t have known that this was the man for me forever and I said no. I went off to college and 8 months later he rebounded to another which I also found out later was because he was so devastated by my refusal.

Nine years goes by and I am back in my hometown to regroup after my own travels and as I am doing my laundry in the local laundromat I turn and there he was. His marriage was over and he was doing his laundry too. We never looked back. The heat of our previous love had apparently just been on hold because the fire just reignited. We have been together every day since. I’ll never forget how my heart was racing. How I was so taken by the intensity of it all. So much had happened in the interim but so much was like the days of our youth. And now it is all gone. It is a day that has lived in my heart as the day my life began again after years of trying to find someone to love me. I mean really love me. I was granted a second chance at love. I never took it for granted. I just loved and adored this man. Now I have nothing.

Memories just aren’t enough. I sit surrounded by frames full of his pictures and no matter how hard I try I can’t move to do anything that helps me get out of this funk. All I can think about is how to make my body progressively weaker so I can get sick. I’m trying not to have a stroke but hope that my heart or my internal organs decide they’ve had enough of the dehydration and lack of any nutritious food. I really am determined to find a way out of this because I know I cannot go on without my beloved. I’m old enough to say I’ve had enough. And truly I have.

Anonymous, I know exactly what you feel. I can’t hear it, feel it or know my husbands love anymore either. The connection was too visceral. He’s dead. So now I wait to die alone? I think not. Liz, I know our husbands loved us more than anything and I too hate seeing all the other couples. It’s why I hate going places, even the supermarket. All I can think about is how alone I am and how there is no one that can help me. It’s a sad ending to a fairy tale of love.

May 09, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda T Molina
by: Jenny

It's Friday morning, heading for another weekend, it's Mother's Day here too on Sunday and my youngest son and wife are coming, for the last 3 years I have spent by myself, I guess my choice, Ken would always give me a present and write lovely poems in a card.
Have you noticed that we all describe our husbands in the same way, they were all so special, we certainly met the love of our lives, why when there are so many horrible people out there that the love of our lives are taken. Melina my Ken died 3years ago and nothing gets better, please don't do anything drastic, my KEn believed that we will never find each other again if we do that, I promised him I would not do it, what if it doomed you to eternity, it would be worse than a few years here on earth.
Liz, hope you are managing all your problems, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, Hugo would be proud of you.
I'm still spending most of my day in my bedroom, the sadness will never end.
I am convinced in the scheme of things that we are just like lab rats in the medical profession, you can understand why people turn to other methods to find a cure, if pancreatic cancer is so prevalent why isn't there more research done. Questions all the time but sadly no answers.
Liz I did get Kacey there to get his haircut, it's fairly short but hopefully will get him through winter.
Nirmala I hope you are the children are ok, try and enjoy them on Mother's Day, I have no other relatives, just my boys, both sides of our families are all gone , I'm the last one left of this generation, my only sibling, a brother died just before last Christmas, he died suddenly. It's awful being the last one left.
Love to all jenny

May 09, 2013
For Melina, 5/9/13 4:39 pm afternoon
by: Liz

Dear Melina, and I say dear because I am that way; affectionate especially to those who are hurting. Did you read my 2 long posts to you that I stayed up late to write? I hope somehow I helped.

I agree, no clue from the drs. Hugo was not diagnosed, and his pc even said, maybe it wasn't his usual backache. So why not do blood tests?
Maybe we would have caught it sooner, maybe not.
Yes, my husband definitely was sprayed with Agent Orange--he was only 20 going to that lousy war for what? But he never complained about the war or going. He came home, looked every day for a job, and got one, and worked his way up.

His death was scary because he was hanging on, but suffering with purging himself, he was nauseous and kept vomiting. The hospice nurse was great, I would have not been able to watch it alone. I finally told him to go, and he stopped breathing on my command. I worry that he died worrying about me, and knowing how I'd be once he was gone.

My thoughts, actions, crying are all like yours.
Sometimes, especially this past winter, I stayed in bed all day, only got up to get water and a little to eat.

I started reading books about Heaven, etc., and they helped for a while. But what do we know?
I am ashamed of my little faith. I should be believing that my husband is with God, my parents, his father and sister (she died at 34).
I want to believe he is painless now, happy, and yet, I want him HERE WITH ME. I HATE THIS EXISTANCE--THAT IS WHAT IT IS. LIKE YOU SAID A JAIL WITH NO KEY TO GET OUT.

I write steady to Jenny; but she is far away. If she weren't so far, I'd be with her visiting, and we'd help each other get through the day better than doing it alone. Today was a bad day for me--the neighbors were working outside, like we used to, and that got to me. Sometimes, it's the littlest, unimportant every day things that get me crying and angry andfrustrated.

If you had read my post from last night (5/8), you'd know I used to think the same way--how to exit quickly and join him. Really, I made a lot of plans in my head. You are not abnormal, or crazy. That is why I write here--no therapist or doctor to give me pills and tell me to snap out of it. My heart hurts, and that's it. No cure, and I'll do it my way.

I hope you believe how much we care for each other. None of us want to be writing on this, never did we think about this before the deaths we have dealt with. But here we are, stuck, sad, depressed, lonely, and ticked off that our guys are not with us where they belong.

So, before Irun out of space, I'll end this hoping you will continue to write at this safe haven for us who cry and write about it.
Love, Lisa (Liz) Cry all you want, Melina.

May 09, 2013
Why am I so sad?
by: Anonymous

Why am I so sad?

It's not only that I miss you each second, after over 30 years of marriage, but it's these things:

Springtime: couples out and about holding hands, having an ice cream cone (you loved them), going shopping, to the movies, even the drive-in, kissing, laughing, smiling at each other, and just feeling secure together.

That's why I am so sad because all of that ended when your life ended. You are somewhere, and I am left here, and if you can see things going on around me, then you know I am left alone, to cry for you, to be jealous of others who are together, to want to just get you back.

But this is not a divorce, this is death, your death, and I hate it. Maybe you are better, at peace, but I am sick, tormented, lonely, and at times very angry that I lost you, my one true love. Till I can be with you again, I'll be sad at Spring, Winter (holidays), Summer, Fall. Every season will bring me closer to who knows where or what. I am sad, I love you, you love me but I can't hear it, feel it, know it any more since you died. Where are you? Your wife, who will turn into nothing soon.

May 09, 2013
35 years tomorrow ~part 2
by: Melina

I miss my husband. I miss holding him. I miss his gentle way of looking at me. I miss how he would use my full name to let me know how he needed me to compromise about something. I miss his walk. I miss his fragrance. I miss his penetrating eyes. His smile. His humor. I can’t live again for years and not have that.
Time drags along. I count hours, sometimes minutes because I do nothing that gives me any joy. I force myself to work, cook for myself and other than that I sit and do nothing. I hate being like this. I hate that I cannot pull myself out of it. I am sad that there are others who are feeling the same. It’s like our own personal prison and we don’t have a key to get out. I think of each of you now, your own pain and I am glad I finally got up the willingness to write my feelings here.

My head hurts so that means I am dehydrating again so I guess I’ll go drink some gatorade and go crawl in bed and listen to one of my physics videos, The Elegant Universe. Maybe I’ll figure out where my husband has gone.
Love to all, Melina

May 09, 2013
Thursday May 9 one day away from 35 years
by: Melina

I am in 100% agreeement with Jenny in believing that the drs have no clue a lot of the time as to what is going on in our bodies. Because my husband ended up so sick over the Xmas holiday season it was almost impossible to get any docs to even come in to check on him. I took up immediate residence by his side 24/7 on a cot in the room. It was a good thing too as the nurses are overwhelmed as it seems they are the ones having to do all the work. I spent days and nights hovering over my beloved and trying to make him more comfortable. Water, ice, massages, changing bed linens and I still couldn’t do enough to save him. There is a sense of futility when the diseases our husbands died from sneak up and cripple them. I’ll never be able to understand how we are supposed to face death.
Liz, I’m sure your husband tried valiantly to spend as many moments as he could with you. Wth the love you shared it was natural. It couldn’t have been easy for him or you and the ugliness of cancer is a brutal ending. I am not sure whether what the doctors and medicine does to try and prolong life once cancer enters the body is smart or caring. But I do think that the disease is growing for a longer time than the doctors can relate a symptom to. Like your husband and mine and anonymously grieving and Jenny and others, I think medicine is still quite primitive and experimental and our husbands diseases are too complex for them to do much more than make guesses. You said Hugo had been exposed to Agent Orange. Our government will never admit it but I believe all the men who had that exposure came back compromised. Sad. Very sad. How do we do more than just love them for as long as we can? Then what?
I realized on my way home last night that I am on here spilling my tears because I want some kind of “permission” to feel that what I want to do is not so unusual given the circumstances. I don’t mean that I want someone to say it’s ok I just need to know that no matter what happens I am not crazy or abnormal or that not being able to handle this pain and trying to go on for years just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I have had several offers to renew a life with people who would give me comfort and caring and I simply cannot come to terms with doing it because I know what that would mean. I am not afraid of death anymore. I welcome it. Maybe that is the way our husbands were when they knew their bodies could not hold out any longer. I know mine is not going to hold out much longer either. The mememories in my mind are killing my ability to live without his physical presence. I know that my husband would not want me hurt but he can no longer comfort me. I am unable to bring enough comfort to myself to overcome his absence. I know he is not coming back and that means I need to decide what I am willing to live with. I find that it is all just too unimportant even

May 09, 2013
To "T"
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear "T" I love the way you described your husband in your last post. He was everything, and you were proud of him.

I, too, had a handsome, smart, creative husband who protected me, was my true friend, lover, and everything in between. Everyething he did, he did for me, my parents, our house, and he strived so hard to get ahead. He came from a divorced family, but never let that bother him--he moved on, forward, always forward, after any let down, he believed in not looking back but ahead. He made his life and ours great.

So, that is what I miss. I am very envious (or not envious) but I feel sad when I see my neighbors together, alive. My husband was older than them by a few years, but looked younger than all of them put together. They don't even bother with me--only one couple. I guess, we lived our lives, and now why should they bother with me.

I wish a happy birthday to your husband, which he will have in Heaven, but also with you. I must believe they are with us. I read yesterday (I do a lot of reading on line about the afterlife, etc.), and I read that the mind is the spirit and the body dies, but not the mind, the spirit. So, I try to believe he lives elsewhere--still a mystery to me until I die--and he watches over me even if I can't feel him close, or I can't dream about him. I have to think that because he loved me and was so worried about leaving me that he too misses me and wishes he could let me know somehow. Tomorrow, I make the long trip to the cemetery to see him, my Mom for mother's day, and my Dad, and Aunt. They're all there, and I'm ALONE HERE. sOMETIMES, I feel like the woman Melina who started writinghere. My life is nothing without Hugo.

Stay well, write again, please. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 09, 2013
Liz, Jenny, Rhonda, Melina and others
by: Nirmala

Mothers day is almost here, last mothers day my husband was here, it is 5 months since he is gone. Life is very unfair, but as long as we are alive we have no right to think about doing anything drastic. I know for a fact my husband will want me to be happy whatever time I have left here. Unfortunately being 49 I still might have quite a few years left. I will honor my husband and live, I know for a fact I will never give his place to anybody but I need to make friends and live. All the friends we made are long gone. The day my husband died my brother and his wife drove me to my son's school and then my daughter's college to pick them up. When we came back my driveway was full, today nobody gives a damn. My husband's close friends would always make an announcement at the bowling place they frequented that it was Dr.Sujit's birthday, but when his birthday came on Feb 3 after he died the same guys never called me to ask how I was holding up. They think I am bitter. So now I need to make new friends. Three different families came home last mother's day I want to see if they remember I am still alive.

May 09, 2013
Malina - Rethink it
by: Anonymous

This is to Malina,

i have read your postings here and i am sorry about what pain you are understandably going through and that you now don't feel like going on. whatever you mean by your selling your house and then what takes place is a bit disconcerting to me and probably many of us who have been going through this tragic trauma of loss. All I can say without a lecture is don't do it, rethink what you are saying. will you be able to reunite with your husband if you go that way? I say no.
Please just rethink this. He loved you so much, he would not want you to honor his love with this.
Anonymous

May 08, 2013
Not enough time
by: T

We all had strong, responsible, loving men in our lives that we could trust and lean on. It took me a long time to find mine and I was so grateful, I really was God and you know it! We met at a friends "going away party" and we hit it off immediately. What's not to like about this man, I thought to myself. tall, handsome, maritime engineer who loves boating & fishing... and we live in Florida. He turned out to be sweet, sensitive, loving, loyal and a wonderful cook to boot. I loved him so much and I was so proud of him. Sometimes we would be in the grocery store and from afar I would think to myself, yep that tall, tan, stud with the great blond hair is mine, I'm so lucky to have him. It was worth the wait.

The day he was diagnosed was one of the worst days of my life but in the next 3 years we shared some of the most precious times of my life, that I will remember forever. He kept bouncing back from chemo, surgery, etc to the point that no one knew he was sick. That is why I kept on thinking that he was going to make it. He wanted to live so badly, he fought so hard,. Every time I say this or type this, tears just stream down my face. I've cried so much my tears are thicker and saltier.

I miss him so much. His birthday is May 22. Oh God what I wouldn't give to spend the day out on the water with him.

Would this all be easier if we were married to schmucks who did care about us? God have mercy on all of us suffering so very much.It's too much sadness.

May 08, 2013
Melina, part 2 to my message 5/8/13
by: Lisa (Liz)

Melina, I'm continuing from my part l, I ran out of space--I hate that. I had to delete words until I got to the right amount.

I am and always will be forever sad, and maybe something will push me over the edge. It almost happened when my family stopped calling me, and thought that I should "celebrate" Thanksgiving, the first holiday after Hugo passed away. They wanted to have a "normal" Thanksgiving, and I was left ALONE IN THIS HOUSE. I STAYED IN MY PAJAMAS AND ATE ALONE AND CRIED. I NEVER SPENT A HOLIDAY ALONE--ALWAYS WAS WITH MY PARENTS AND SISTERS AND BROTHER, THEN WITH MY HUSBAND WHO MADE HOLIDAYS SPECIAL, ESPECIALLY CHRISTMAS. i WAS SO DISTRAUGHT, I WAS LOOKING UP WAYS TO JUST GO IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I have no idea how I've gotten this far because many times I told my husband and God, "I can't do this, I'm sorry, Babe, but I can't go on without you. cHANGE NEVER WENT WELL FOR ME.

He was my life; you see, I knew he was the only true person in my life except for my Mom and Dad. My family, the siblings, are selfish, and I kind of just stayed with my husband except for holidays or occassions. But we did everything for them, and they paid us back by leaving us alone when he got sick. Nice. I used to cry, but now I don't give a damn about them.

My husband is on my mind, as I write this, and every second. I don't sleep through the night, and I'm up about 20 times. I keep saying where are you, Babe? I really wonder where he is. I look back at some wasted time, only due to my personality--I got very stressed over my Mom's dementia, and I would always get upset over everyone else's problems. They don't give a damn about mine. But that's me. So, that's what I dwell on, NOT GOOD.

I am fully understanding your "plan" because I had so many, and I looked up which would work best. I am not brave enough to carry out any plan, and I believe it would really keep me from seeing my husband again. What do I know? her. I change my mind often, depending how bad my day is. I can't and don't do anything, not even listen to music or watch tv. I shut off the radio in the car when a dumb song comes on.

I have no children, I guess you know that, so where do I go? What is my future? Who will take care of me--the selfish bunch? No. I'm scared, but yet, I have to be brave because my husband didn't want to leave me and he worried, so I have to let him know I'm OK, like I told him the night he died, as soon as I said, "Go, honey, go to God and my parents, I'll be OK (I lied), he stopped breathing. Like I gave him permission to go, and maybe it was my last gift to him.

I wish you were in NY, then I'd say, come here, and if we don't get along and it doesn't work out, at least for a few days we can talk a lot about our husbands, try to put our lives on a better course, still knowing nothing will be the same ever.

May 08, 2013
To: Melina, Wednesday night, 5/8/13, 10pm
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Melina, I do not where to begin. I read your entire post(s). I want to say so much, , so my message to you will most likely be in 2 parts.

First, you have to believe me because I speak from my heart, not my head: you and I have had the same emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, and it is as though perhaps for lack of a better word, Melina and Lisa are like 2 clones who have similar sensitivities, hearts, and we do a lot of research. I can tell that you read a lot about death, the afterlife, immortality, being, etc., because I recognize a lot of the referrals you make in your messages. Vibrations, I read, have to be on equal levels for us to "reach" our departed husbands, and for them to be able to let us feel their presence and dream about them.
People (who know nothing of my pain) say that I cry too much, get too emotional, and that chases away my husband's spirit from getting through to me. What do they know? Maybe they are right, maybe not. But, how do I stop the tears from coming, how do you mend a broken heart (one of my favorite songs that my Mom played on the piano when she was well).

When my husband died, I stayed in bed, then got up, went down to the kitchen to drink water, then back to bed. But I did not sleep, no, I just would lay there not even able to think about anything good. I couldn't even go to a place of memories, I would not let them in--too painful because they are just memories, and none of the things we shared, did, discussed, etc., will ever be alive again in this museum of an empty house I live alone, like an orphan. My family will let days go by without checking in on me--I guess I'm supposed to be OK, or they can't take it. I have gotten to the point that I'm afraid to discuss my pain with them. Well, I discuss it with myself. My husband's photo and obituary is on my computer home page, so I talk to him, I beg him to ask God to send him home, that he wasn't supposed to leave me alone. I beg God, but I have to admit I don't really have enough faith to believe He will answer me.

I told you before, I just get through the day by doing this: get up, eat something because for 2 months I existed on water, toast, or cookies. Then, I'll shower, just to get the tears off my face because every morning the second I awake and remember he is gone, I cry for about l0 straight minutes. Then, if there is nothing to do, I'll try to scrub the floors, clean, anything to keep me from doing what I used to do: stay in bed, not shower, and hide in the house unless I had to go out to mail a bill, or to the bank or grocery store. And in the car I'd cry, and even scream; . I was, and still am a mess because the separation anxiety from my Hugo has hit me too hard, and sometimes I feel like I'm not all together--my head doesn't feel like I'm here--if you know what I mean. uSED UP TOO MANY WORDS. PLEASE GO TO MY PART 2

May 08, 2013
WHere can I rest - continued
by: Melina

Each of us has to make a decision as to what we are capable of doing and what we will live with. Would my husband think differently. Yes, probably. Except he isn’t the one here trying to manage a daily life. His love for me was so deep. I’m sure he would rather I find a way to go on but I just can’t see it. The mornings are too tough to get out of bed, the days are only moving around air with no purpose and no one to share and the evenings are just raw brutal anguish after trying to distract myself long enough to have to face going in to an empty bed. As strong as everyone says I am (was) I am no longer. I am an empty shell.

I have told others that I woke up one day and someone amputated my arms and my legs, made me go blind and then told me to go to the supermarket. I just am too old (61) tired and spent to begin another life. Others think I want to live another 10 to 20 years. I ask, for what? So I can move more air around? I had a full life. I loved my husband and he loved me back. Did we have our problems through the years? Yes, who doesn’t. Were they insurmountable? No, never. Ours was a little bit of a fairy tale and now the closing chapter has been written.
I have no regrets, very little guilt if any and I certainly know that I had all that I ever would have wanted because I was loved deeply and adoringly by the man who gave my life meaning. Who could argue with that?
I am now attempting to sell our house here on the East coast of Florida and once I do I will proceed with the decision I am working towards. We had been wating for the market to improve as we had plans to return to a former place of residence. Unfortunately death beat the market to our door. The sooner I can stop paying for the expenses and upkeep of this property the sooner I can change what I need to do.
No fear, no real concerns just acceptance of what comes full circle.
love to all, Melina

May 08, 2013
Where can I rest?
by: Melina

Dear all, I am thankful that there are at least responses to my posts since most of what I get from family and friends is silence or worse yet patronizing suggestions that I “get help”. I respond by saying the only help I want is for someone to give me the exit keys. Of course in the moral universe they must decline. It has not changed my desire or determination to find a way. It only postpones it.
You see, I am like each of you. I hate my life. It is no longer life. It is a living hell. At first I barely managed to get out of bed and take a shower. I spent most of my time then looking up ways to commit suicide. Trying to find a certain, final way. Flawless. I tried to go to work and I could go about twenty minutes and then I would go into freefall. I have somewhat flexible employers but this kind of inability to function normally will eventually wear thin even with them and they have been extremely good to me. Crying has been unbelievable. I shed waterfalls all day into the night and that has only started subsiding in the last week. So for four months I have been a total train wreck. Total. Now the crying is a bit less and when I do I simply beg my husband to hear me and come and get me. I am at my minds end as to why he isn’t listening to me and hearing my energy vibration. I believe that is how we are made up (vibrational strands of energy) and so if my vibrational frequency is at the right pitch it should bring calamity my way. I am possessed and obsessed now with making that happen. Along with dehydrating and starving myself I am determined to take my leave.

I cannot stand living without my darling husband. Just can’t do it. No amount of drugs or therapy could make this be different. He is dead. I understand that. Now I want to be dead. It’s very simple but very complicated because we don’t allow people to die of broken hearts. Only cardiac arrests or something else like cancer. Nope. I want out. I have nothing to live for. He was my life force. He held me tight and solved my problems whether large or small.

I am so sorry Liz that you had to suffer through your husbands long complicated sickness. At times I wish my beloved would have had more time but then as sick as he was I know that he would have been like your Hugo and been trying to fight for life even while he was deteriorating. Nothing can console us no matter how we see our husbands die. Whether they die quickly or it is drawn out the void that emerges engulfs us. And no one who hasn’t lost their beloved can understand or accept the depths of the depair we feel. Which is why we cling to any thread that gives us a place to get across the “feelings” that are standing in the way of a normal life. My problem is I do not see normality ever returning. I don’t see my beloved returning thus I am now making plans for a different future. Only Liz, Jenny, Nirmala, T and Rhonda and possibly others who are where we are get it.

May 08, 2013
To "T" - May 8, 20213 ll:30 afternoon
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear "T"
I just read your May 8th post about how you feel, about Melina, me, etc. I'll take you up on that trip in Naples. That's what my husband wanted to do and we should not have waited, but I had an obligation to my Mother who had dementia; she had home care, but took over everything even though I lived 3 hours from her--I went with cooked food, did the shopping, etc. So, Hugo and I put off Naples, Florida. After she died, we discussed it, were ready to downsize and look for a little ranch there. No, instead, he was robbed of his life suddenly, even though they say that pancreatic cancer sits inside you without warning until it is too late. Damn them and their research for a detection and cure. They take money, that's it.

I exist, too, and I know I can't go on like this. They say you can die of a broken heart, well, maybe that is what I hope for--I know I cannot take my life, it is wrong, and not right to do that to God who gave us life.

Your husband is resting, and when you pass by, look for him, in a wave, in a sunbeam, that is him for sure.

No, we can't help each other, we each have our own individual past lives, memories, etc., but we can at least continue to write and console one another, and by reading similar thoughts, we will stay sane. Sometimes, my head feels funny, maybe stress. It's raining today, so I can't go outside and work on our property. I'm doing things he used to do, and it makes me sad not to see him out there, even though today he would have been at work. It's silent here, and I don't know what to do with myself. There's nothing to look forward to; and if there were, I'm not willing to do it or experience anything withoout him. We get married, and we become one, isn't that the way it is. So, why isn't the plan for us to die together at an old age? Why leave one behind, especially me, the weaker one. He knew what to do, how to do it. He could drive anywhere, for me driving is a chore, and I'm scared to drive outside of my comfort zone--depended on him for the long-distance driving.
So, once one is gone, the other is left behind to cry, grieve, and not live right any more. I hate this house, we both loved it; I hate the car, I hate cooking (I used to love to cook for him), and I hate pretty days. I have to find peace somehow, but I will miss him the rest of my life, whch I hope is not long.

I'm not a mother, but I'll visit my Mom at the cemetery, and my Dad, and Aunt, and of course, the first person I'll visit is Hugo--when I get into the cemetery his grave is first. I go by bus, I'll not drive there--too far, too scary for me.

Write again soon. Wish you were in NY, but Florida is much better. Wish we had met by chance years ago, and didn't have to meet here on this sad website.

Love, Lisa (Liz--I used this name when I first started writing here--just because I didn't want to identify myself until I trusted it. Hope you can understand that.)

May 08, 2013
Liz & everyone
by: Rhonda

I went for the first time to a grieving class with my daughter(Ben,s step-daughter). My son chooses not to talk about his dad anymore. It went ok but the woman given it only had me and another guy there. I was hoping there would be more people. I felt awkward because I never went to anything like this and more to tell my story. I have so much to tell but there's too much.
My story is different from everyone else'. I loved him so much but I wonder if we were meant to be together.I really thought he was my soul mate but to be taken from me and my son seems so unfair. I wonder a lot if I'll ever see him again and if he even remembers us. I sure hope so. I would just love to be able to talk to him and tell him how much this has hurt me, how I really don't want to go on living. Feeling this everyday all day long is tormenting me.
I know my husband had a bad childhood, having different stepfathers, the last one according to him, was abusive.I was there to listen and felt compassion and didn't have to go through that.I was wondering many times "Is this why he drinks so much and why he won't quit"? Why do I have to sit back and see him get drunker and drunker? I chose that because I did love him and I knew he wasn't happy. I hope that I brought some happiness in his life. I hated the drinking though and said it to him many times.
I feel like a failure. If I could have done something, just to get it through his head, how much I loved and needed him here for us, maybe he would have changed. I don't know.I'll wonder this for the rest of my life and hopefully I won't live much longer. I hate saying this but I feel so low all the time, I just hate life.

May 08, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda T & Molina,
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I wish you would please stop blaming yourself for Hugh's death, you were not to blame, none of us are. I won't say it was god because I don't know if I believe anymore. I go over and over the circumstances leading up to Kens death and the night he died, I believe that none of the drs had a clue , and then to find out he had only days to live was like an awful nightmare, they didn't even wait until I was there when they told him, he was alone, I was just leaving home to visit him when he rang and told me, he said Jen I don't have weeks or months I only have a few days. It was a nightmare. I guess we can all blame ourselves with thoughts of what we could have,
should have done, but really we were all helpless.
It's so sad that we have this in common, it's a very sad club we now share, but we can read and try to support each other. It's an awful feeling the depression the absolute knowledge that there is nothing we can do, nothing can help or cure it, that somehow we will learn to survive I hope.
It's just gone midnight Thursday so I am going to try and sleep.
Live to all jenny

May 08, 2013
to: All: Nirmala, Jenny, Rhonda, T, Melina
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Everyone, I already got up early this Wednesday, May 8th, 2013 because I didn't sleep all night. I wrote a long reply to Melina, and I hope you received it Melina.

Now, Ladies, I am writing you this: I am very angry and upset today. I'm back to my feelings that my husband wasn't supposed to die, that the doctors should have done tests when he had his back surgery, that his PC should have done bloodwork back 6 months before all of this. He was robbed of life, he didn't want to leave me, and he suffered that last night he died, sad, scared of leaving me.

I feel guilty having this house to live in, his beautiful car he had leased not knowing he was going to die so soon, and everything else. He should be here with me at home enjoying life, not dead. I can't stand it, it's getting worse, this feeling of him not coming back is killing me slowly. I woudl give him so much love, not be stressed, do what he'd want to, not make excuses that I'm too tired, etc. He deserved to live, he loved life, he worked hard to make life good for me, and he's gone. It's not fair, and today I feel lousy. I want him to come home, and I have been beggin God to let him come back. If God is mad at me, I don't want him to take it out on Hugo. He was so alive, so good, and he was always doing something, mostly trying to please me. I hate this life, I don't know how I'm going to last without him. Some days, it just hits me more. I hate this house without him, he made it so nice, and I get to be here, and not him. It's unfair. Doesn't God hear me, feel my heart? I am so alone, so sad, so depressed. I want my husband back. Where is he? Does he know how much I am missing him, how sorry I am that he died, and I didn't. Did I miss something I could have done? I just can't stand it any more. It was always the 2 of us; I don't know how to live alone; he protected me, worked hard for me, bought me clothes, made things nice, and he loved me so much. He didn't deserve to have all that pain from his cancer, and to die in the pain he died in. I will never forget his face that night, and how he hung on until I told him to go. I don't know how I made it through that night after the funeral director took his body out of our house for the last time. Going out the door in a black bag. Disgusting, heartbreaking. Why didn't I just die that night with him?

Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 08, 2013
MELINA - CONTINUATION TO MY LONG POST
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Melina, This is a continuation to my long reply to your posting.

Anyway, there is a lot more gruesome things to my husband's suffering. He and I had plans, he had things left undone (he always finished things, and so perfectly), most of all he didn't want to leave me--he told everyone he was worried about me and what would happen to me.

He was 165 pounds before this horror hit him, and I buried him at 110 pounds, pale, no hair, and very sick. His death was very difficult for him, and he was suffering trying to hold on.
I live with that sight and memory, and will forever. I too have thought about how to die.
I don't want to do it because I am afraid it will not work and I'll end up in an institution with machines hooked up to me. My husband doesn't want that for me. But I miss him, he can't come back and I feel I must get to him, wherever that is, I want tobelieve there is a Heaven where I will be with him and my parents again. But I want him home in our house here with me. To love, to cherish and to continue our lives.
We learn too late.

I hope you read the first part of this message.
So, for you, I made 2 pages.

I hope you read both.

Write soon. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 08, 2013
For: Melina 5/8/13 5:35 a.m. Wednesday
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Melina,
I didn't sleep well, as usual, and was up most of the night, and I am up now at 5:35 a.m., came here to look at my husband's picture on my computer home page, and then saw your posted message. First, I want to say, it is horrible the way he passed and the image will not leave you for a long time, maybe never. I am sure it was diabetes, and MRI'S should have been done.
I believe my husband was sick a long time, his liver enzymes were not checked, and he went through a horror story, that when he was diagnosed it was a shock. He had a backache most of his adult life. In 2006, he finally had a minor disectomy (to remove the bad disc). He bounced back. Then in 2010-2011, the ache started over, it was decided by his original surgeon to do the same operation. To make a long story short, the surgery was done, the nurses in that hospital were mean and it was a nightmare. Afte surgery, something was totally wrong, my husband did not bounce back. He kept saying in the hospital that his stomach felt twisted. Anyway, I demanded liver enzyme blood tests, mri's etc. They refused, so I took him out of there and home. We were told all for 4 weeks it was the meds, the anesthesia, etc. He couldn't eat well, lost weight. I finally called a local gastrointestinal dr, and he had blood work done.
An hour later, the dr called and said he's admitting my husband--his bloodwork was bad. He was admitted to our local hospital, they did mri's, etc. I went home that night thinking it was just a gall bladder problem. The next morning I called my husband and told him I was on my after but I would just stop to mail some bills. He said, "NO, COME QUICKLY, NOW." "THERE ARE 2 ONCOLOGISTS IN MY ROOM." With that info, my heart sunk. I got there, and the doctors nastily, with no feeling, said, "Your husband is dying, he has pancreatic cancer that has spread to his liver already. We will do a biopsy." I SCREAMED, THE ENTIRE HOSPITAL HEARD ME. MY HUSBAND AND I CRIED, WERE IN SHOCK. i BLAMED the other hospital for not catching it when they could have. They said it didn't matter. So, then he ended up in ICU in October, hiccupping 24/7, delusional, sick, and I was facing a dying man. He started chemo, went through all of that, morphine, labs, hospital visits for weeks. After 10 months, not the 2 weeks they said he had left, he died in my arms. He tried to hold on that night for 5 hours. The hospice nurse (who came for the first time) told me to give him permission to die because he was continuously spitting up blood, etc. I told my husband to go to God, to my parents, and then he stopped breathing. I wanted to kill myself.
So, here I am wondering what did I miss, what did the doctors miss? I am angry, sad, confused, bitter, but mostly missing him that makes me cry, scream day after day. I have begged God to let him come back; I was almost believing that could happen. Dumb me. continued...I ran out of space here.
Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 08, 2013
Melina
by: T

I read Melina's post too, Liz. It was strange to read my exact horrible thoughts, fears and feelings coming from another person during this nightmare that I'm living. I think we all wish we could say something to help comfort each other but there is nothing anyone can say. Nothing will stop the pain or lessen the sadness.I am not living, I am just existing in the place called earth. Everyday is a struggle. I have a stressful job. I've only been back for 3 weeks and everyday I drive in to work in silence and cry.(the drive home is even worse) I think about how every single morning he would say, as I walked out the door "put your seat belt on sweetie, I love you". As I drive over Biscayne Bay every day I look out at the sun glistening on the water and try really, really hard to find some tiny bit of comfort in knowing that his final resting place is so beautiful.

I don't know what to say to Melina or anyone going through this. There is just so much sadness and anger. I also have been reading posts here for 3 weeks and it has given me a place to go to and know I am not alone in my suffering. The few of us that don't have children to help us focus on the future. What do we have other than just memories.

Liz, we keep our boat in Naples. We were going to spend a week fishing and hanging Naples like usual for his birthday, May 22nd. Let's take a second to share a little dream of you, me and our husband cruising out over the over the Gulf to the best fishing spot and then cooking our fresh caught dinner that evening with a nice bottle of Chardonnay. Never again to be for me... please pray for me that day. I'm dreading it so badly, I'm afraid.

May 07, 2013
To Liz and all those who are suffering this pain of loss
by: Melina

Dear Liz, I do know that you feel the same way I do because our circumstances have many similarities. I lost my husband to a very short struggle with cancer. On top of the fact that he has been a diabetic and was just transitioning to being on a insulin pump in Nov of 2012 because we had no health insurance and we were spending money on the diabetes we didn’t have the opportunity to have tests run for why else he wasn’t feeling well through 2012. The day before Xmas he was so bad that we ended up taking him to the ER. The day after Xmas he was operated on and that’s when they found a tumor on his appendix which had metastisized into his intestine. They also found a mass on his pancreas, a mass on his lungs and two spots one on each lung. They took out 5 ft of his intestine and the tumor. Their prognosis was terminal cancer and gave him 5 months to a year and half. They kicked him out on January 11th and January 21st he died in our home. I found him on the floor of the bathroom apparently having had a vagus epsiode. I will never be able to remove the image of him lying dead from my mind.
He was not overweight and otherwise very healthy. He did lots of exercise around the house and cooked for us every night very healthy meals. The shock of this has torn me limb from limb. Not to mention that they never really did give me the final pathology results as to where the origin of the cancer was. Even after multiple tests they were unable to narrow it down but because of his battle with diabetes and the masses and tumor I believe it was the pancreas because that is where diabetes has its fight with the body.
My husband and I were together for 35 years come May 10th. We also had no children. I have lost over 25 pounds and am now about 110 at 5’8”. My intention has become to make my own body as weak as possible naturally so that if I manage to catch some sort of infection I will allow it to take its normal course. I have a medical directive for there to be no medical intervention including antibiotics. Just pain medication to keep me distress free.
I have no faith in a diety that allows the kinds of frightful, insane tragedys to occur day in and day out as they do in this universe. For my own personal trauma the only outlet I have been using to help answer the unanswerable is you tube videos on quantam physics. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility that there is someplace, some energy that scientifically exists that will give me a rock to stand on. I would do anything to turn back the clock but at this point I will find a way to bring my own end closer and faster no matter what I think happens next.
I’ve been writing reams since my dearly beloved went into the hospital. It’s tapered off somewhat because I can only write about how horrible this is so many times. But I have been reading your posts for several months and I can only say that it has given me a place to go to and know I am not alone. Thank you.

May 07, 2013
To Rhonda, 5/7/13 7:20 pm
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Rhonda,
I just saw your message on this site addressed to me. First, Thanks for appreciating my husband's service to our country--look where it got us now.
About your marriage; you are among many women who have had to go through any kind of addictive spouses. I have a family member who met her husband in re-hab; I thought things would work out--they hid a lot from me about this person's marriage, but I found out so many things that made me cry for her; but she never let on. Many times she, too, had the police come to their home; and many times she had comlained too much, and had to bail him out. They have 5 children, and I feel so sorry for the kids. I don't think they are together--she went through a pattern--move out, move back in. She was addicted also, so the 2 of them had short fuses. My husband and I kept away from the situation because she didn't want us to know. I knew, I sensed it. I didn't tell my husband about this couple because he was super strict, conservative, hard-working, and never drank. He felt bad for them, but he had such a hard life and could have turned to anything, but he didn't; he worked, and didn't complain about anything--if he had bad times, he just picked himself up. But, the 2 of us always understood that addiction IS AN ILLNESS, AND WE NEVER PUT DOWN ANY ONE WHO HAS THAT ILLNESS.

I say this to you, do not blame yourself, the past fights, etc., for anything because there are many people who keep secrets who can't tell them not to hurt the one they really love. They get stuck in a dilemma, don't have a way out, and if addiction is on top of all of that, they just quit life. You didn't do it; he chose to do it, and maybe in the end he was sorry, but it was too late. He, right now, is hurting, suffering with guilt. But, I promise you this: He is in heaven, God understood his pain, and he understood why he did what he did, and Jesus died for our sins, and so your husband's troubles were truly understood by a loving, forgiving God. In fact, I know God held out his hand, and gave him love. Rhonda, this is the same God that I was so angry with, sometimes I still get angry, because I kept asking him to return my husband, that I needed to have more time with him. That there was too much yet to tell him, to make him more happy than I did. We all blame ourselves for one thing or the other--that's what happens when our loved ones die, we blame ourselves for one thing or the other. Because my Mom was ill I never wanted to go out, and I cried a lot. This caused my husband to feel sad too, and sad for me. So I have that regret, but he would not want it any other way, he stood by me. But for many years we didn't really laugh or enjoy life because of me always worrying about my Mom.

Rhonda, I hope this was a help. Please don't stop writing. I'm here, even though I am so sad myself.
Love, Lisa (liz)

May 07, 2013
To "T"
by: Liz (Lisa)

T, I forgot to mention in my last message to you:
that lovely idea of your husband's ashes on Biscayne Bay, Florida, was wonderful. My husband went to Key Biscayne many years ago and loved it.
We were going to retire to Naples, Florida, but that did not happen, we never even got close because he was diagnosed, and then it was all downhill, and sorrow, loss, pain, and all our dreams stolen, like that. I am angry, but where will that get me, not him back. How I wish that could be true for all of us.

Please continue to write to me, Jenny and Nirmala. We all hate that we belong to this "group", would rather it be a cooking group, but it is what it is--life, harsh, cruel and we are suffering more than anyone can imagine if they haven't been through it.

Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 07, 2013
To: Jenny, Nirmala Tuesday, 5/7/13 1pm
by: lLiz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,
I saw the one post from you, I am sure the other one will follow. I just arrived home from lawyer--I felt I had to get legal things in order since I have no children. It will cost me a lot for his fee--but better to get it done now and be sorry later if it's not in place. Don't like lawyers, but it's necessary.
I hope you and Kacey are all right. The weather is nice, but we expect 2 or 3 days of rain. I have to get to the cemetery Thursday or Friday to see Hugo, and for Mother's Day for my Mom.
I cried in the attorney's office. I was supposed to be there with Hugo, we were discussing that before he was diagnosed. But, there I was alone, getting things settled. He's not coming back, and I am having trouble facing it. No day is good for me. I see we have someone named Melina who is having a hard time. I wrote to her and asked her to keep writing to us. She is really having a rough time, as we all were and still are.

Nirmala, hope all is well, I didn't check my email yet, just arrived back from lawyer, put things away, etc. He is charging me plenty, but this has to be done, it's off my mind now.

I will write later, I didn't eat any lunch let.

Stay well. Love, Lisa (Liz)

Rhonda: Glad you're back writing. My heart is with you always.

Liz (Lisa)

May 07, 2013
To I Can't Do It... Melina
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Melina,

I just read your long post. Believe me, Melina, when I tell you that I feel and have felt the same exact way as you do. You explained yourself exactly as I have been trying to explain myself, but before I got on this web page, no one understood me or cared to because only we WHO WRITE ON HERE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE MOST TRAGIC AND HORRIBLE SORROW WE WILL EVER FACE AGAIN.
WE LOST OUR HUSBANDS--SOME TO SUDDEN HEART ATTACKS, SOME TO VERY BAD CANCERS--I MYSELF LOST MY DEAR HUGO TO PANCREATIC/LIVER CANCER SUDDENTLY, WITHOUT ANY INKLING HE HAD IT. IT WAS DIAGNOSED AT STAGE 4 WHEN IT WAS TOO LATE FOR ANYTHING. BUT WE DID IT ALL-CHEMO, ETC, TO SAVE HIM. PANCREATIC CANCER IS USUALLY FATAL.

So, Melina, I must tell you that from the evening he passed away, July 29, 2012, I wanted to die too. I was in a fog, and then all the mess started, crying, screaming, feeling like I would go crazy from the separation. Anxiety, not eeating-- I lost 25 pounds in 2 months. Then my head feeling funny; the depression, being alone, and being left alone too much--not even getting daily calls from family. I will also tell you that I thought so many times about how to go: wishing I would fall asleep and not get up.
We had no children, so I didn't care about anything, and I was angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, mixed up, and questining God, faith, etc. I also thought of ways that I would be able to die, without making a mistake and ending up in an institution. Would my husband want that for me?
No. Would your husband want that, NO. How do we go on, I do not know. I am like a robot, going through the daily motions, I merely exist. He was my life. My parents passed away, and he helped me take care of them--long distance. Now, I visit him at the same cemetery they are buried in--he and I went there together, now he's there too. I hate life, I feel no purpose. Most of all I'm sorry that I have no words for you except to say I understand you, I care, I've been through it all, I know what your heart feels like.
I'm physically sick and my heart is broken forever. We had plans that will never come true.
We were married 44 years and knew each other 46 years. People expect us to "move on" and the next person who says that will probably get it from me.

All I can recommend to you is to continue to write to us. Write to your husband and put it in a book. I do that.
We will suffer until we are reunited. For me, I want him back NOW, HERE IN OUR HOME THAT HE LOVED SO MUCH. I have lots of questions about death, the afterlife, they haunt me.

Everything I do now is in his honor. I try to keep up the house. It's hard, but I manage. Life is not the same, it's over. We face life alone, without the love of our lives. I will pray for you. Write here to me, Lisa. I always check this page, and I write back. I'm in the U.S. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 07, 2013
Liz
by: Rhonda

Hi! I would love to be part of this group. I have to wake up everyday with that same dread like every morning. My husband and I have had our problems. I didn't know how to deal with his addiction. He could be the sweetest guy but when he drank he changed. I was married 2 times before and have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and he would call me s**t when he was drunk. Only because I was married before. I went through a lot, would call the cops on him many times because he would get mean.I didn't know what he would do. Every time I called I would have to be the one to leave. I relive the past all the time. I hear this all the time, quit thinking about the past and start making a new life. It's not easy. To go through all this and for him to leave me in the end, when we could have had many more years together, in so hard.Now I have to worry about my 13 year old son growing up and hoping he won't go down that same road.
So sorry about your husband. He fought for our country only to get that terrible cancer later. My heart goes out to you and all the women going through the same hell.God Bless

May 07, 2013
Nirmala
by: Liz

Nirmala, I just wrote an e-mail, then saw your post on this web page.

Don't buy the heavy carpet cleaner. Maybe it would be cheaper to call S. Steemer, and see what they want to clean it for you.

Or some day, get rid of the carpet, and the wood floors can be sanded, but that makes a mess, however, there are floor people who do it now without any sand. The sanding makes a mess.

I'm off now, will write later here on on email.
Love, Liz

May 06, 2013
I can't do it
by: Melina

How do I explain how I feel right now? There are no words to use that bring into focus what going forward without my husband looks like to me. I am told and know in my intellectual brain self that yes, we are supposed to put one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time and feel the grief. From the outside it all seems the most normal way to proceed. Isn’t that the way this is supposed to be?

What doesn't compute is the disarray, the complete and utter lack of desire to do anything. To eat, to work, to breathe, to talk, to do anything . I am simply going through the motions. My brain is unable to sort it out and I am unwilling to make the effort to care. I had a full life until Monday January 21, 2013 and I don't feel I need to have any more experiences for what my life could offer. My experiences are only worthwhile because we did them together. the good the bad and the ugly.......but we did them together.

Could I find a reason to make a different life without my husband that would include doing something we have talked about in the past. Somehow it made some sense while we talked about goals and ways and time to make a different life when WE decided that was going to be our journey…..together. Now that same life we talked about has become a solitary journey. The sense of emptiness, of aloneness, of struggling again to make something out of nothing just doesn't matter. Matter has disappeared. It is now removed from all my senses. I cannot touch, smell, see, taste or touch the essence of my existence.

Is this depressing? Yes, it is. It is the place where I now exist. It is a place where my intellectual and emotional self knows what it wants to do but cannot find to the means to do it. If it was easy I would barely be writing why there are so many obstacles to achieving that end. I would have done it already.

If my feeling at the end of a rope is a burden to others then I need to keep it to myself. Everyone is busy with trying to live life and mine has been essentially destroyed and my only wish is that somehow I could find a way to bring an end to my emotional suffering in a way that my husbands body brought an end to his physical suffering. Quick, painless and now. I am not meant to be here. I am meant to be where he is now.

I know it doesn't seem right. I know I sound like I am talking without thinking. But I am ready. I have no place to rest my spirit now. It is restless. It needs to be unleashed for the next dimension. Now what I need the most is help in finding the way.

May 06, 2013
Liz, Jenny, Rhanda and everybody here
by: Nirmala

Hello everyone, unfortunately no words seem to help us ladies in our pain. Rhonda, I know your pain. My husband used to drink excessively but for him his blood test came out good and then he died, he drank the 4 days before he died due to stress from work. But I know the drinking is not really the reason somebody dies, we believe the time of death and place and all that is already set. So whatever we do or don't, does not make a difference, when the time comes you cannot prevent it. My sister in law died at age 45, her husband died 3 weeks later, my husband died at 50.
I hate my life and also the way people around me think I should be able to move on.

May 06, 2013
Liz nirmala & Rhonda
by: Jenny

Hi, I'm glad everyone is still writing. Dear liz if only I did live closer it would be wonderful, but we will stay in contact. Dear T,We know how you feel, we all have the same feelings and thoughts, the depression, the panic attacks, the realisation that they are gone forever. liz and I may have loved our husbands longer than anyone else here but the depth of our love is not measured by time, as far as we are concerned a hundred year. would not have been enough. Rhonda so glad to hear from you, we do share the same feelings, your husband did have an illness, just as devastating as it is for us all. Maybe he was trying to hide that something else was wrong, but please don't blame yourself. Your feelings are so normal, it took me a long time to realise that, at times I feared for my sanity, I was so devastated.
It's Tuesday morning at 10am, I did write last night but that hasn't appeared yet. Liz don't worry I guess they will eventually appear.
Will be back later, love to all Jenny

May 06, 2013
my husband's life was STOLEN
by: Anonymously grieving

My heart is broken, my love was "stolen" from me by an ugly cancer, and I don't want to go on.
We were supposed to retire in Florida, have orange trees, and he'd have a little boat and go fishing and I'd cook the fish. No retirement, nothing; just sickness, chemo, doctors visits, hospital stays, icu stays, blood transfusions,
lab work, more chemo, no appetite, sick, tired, and changing every day. Not the boy and man I was married to for so long. He was uncomfortable, but didn't complain; he must have been humiliated when icu nurse made him wear a diaper. But he didn't complain. No more eating, just water to drink. His life cut short, he was so vibrant, strong, energized. Why?

He's gone, that's all I know, and I'm torn up inside that I think my guts will spill out from the pain and torture of this separation. I hate life without him, and I would rather be dead too.

Don't lecture me to get help or not to cry because I will not listen. I want him to come home tonight. Maybe he will.

It hurts to go on any more, and it hurts to write on here--I never thought I would writing this blog.
It's usually "the other guy." But it hit us hard, and he was absolutely "stolen."

Anonymously grieving for the rest of my life, which I hope is cut short soon.

May 06, 2013
To Jenny: again, no posts, page is slow..
by: From: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I know you wrote, so I'll wait for your post.

Just wanted to repeat: Wish you were in USA, you're so far. If you were in USA, I'd pay for your flight to come here with Kacey. Maybe a closer place would get you to get on a plane.
Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 06, 2013
To "T"
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear "T" That is a nickname we used for my sister. Anyway, I and many of us who write here understand your pain; we are all grieving so intensely. It will be difficult to face your husband's birthday withouthim; I had to face my husband's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and my birthday, so far. I can't stand the thought of another year next year of holidays.
It was awful, sad, depressing, and lonely, and completely different than the 46 we spent together.

Hope you will continue to write on here. We write back and forth--it seems there are 3 of us who write steadily, and I hope that keeps up, it helps, we help each other.

Take care, love, Lisa

May 06, 2013
To Rhonda, 5/6/13
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Rhonda,

I was glad to see a reply from you. I feel your pain; no, maybe you don't have in common how your husband died, but still we all lost our husbands in different ways, the pain is the same, very intense. For myself, I will say that I am not doing well, and never will be without him. We knew each other 46 years, were married 44 before he died of that lousy pancreatic cancer--which he was told just like that: "You have 2 weeks to live, it already has spread to your liver." We went through all the chemo, etc.,, but what for.
I am angry, angry at the doctors, the hospitals, angry at the Army. My husband was in Vietnam where they sprayed Agent Orange, and now I believe that is why he got that illness. Agent Orange has killed many soldiers, etc., who were in that war. I went on line and I found 200 woman who lost their husband around the same time I did, to pancreatic cancer, and they too are saying it is from Agent Orange. You see, pancreatic cancer can be growing in your body for 10 20 or even 40 years. The Veterans Dept. says that this cancer is not on their list of illnesses they say were caused by AO. So, I fight with them by writing letters, etc. No use.
I lost my husband because he had to go and fight an unnecessary war when he was only a boy of 19. I hate everything. I'm lonely, sick, and I don't know what to do with the rest of my lousy life.

You have your own choice not to write here, or to do so. I was just worried, and so is Nirmala, and Jenny. You see, Rhonda, we 3 formed a group of 3, and we write back and forth. Jenny is so far, and I wish she were in the U.S. She and I have a lot in common, her husband also passed from pancreatic cancer.

So, you have a place here. I pray for all of us, and I hope it does some kind of good for our sake.
The 4 of us are lost; we also have questions left unanswered, etc. I hope you will join our club; and if you are in the U.S., let us know.

Love, Lisa (Liz), but my real name and the one I prefer is Lisa from my name: Elisa. Lisa for short. Hugo, my husband, called me "Babe."

May 06, 2013
Hi
by: Rhonda

I'm doing, I guess, ok. I feel alone and scared in this world. I keep myself medicated so I don't feel anything, which helps a little. I'm angry about the situation. I really don't have much in common with anyone because my husband didn't have to die. We may all feel grief but I have so many mixed feelings about him.I think he knew something since last July but chose to withhold everything concerning his health. I feel betrayed. If I had something wrong with me, whether it was something I did to myself or not, he would have been the first to know.
My family and his have gone on with their lives though they forgot. It happened almost 2 months ago but no one asks me how I'm doing. They probably try to avoid what I'll have to say.Believe me, I really try to keep myself happy but I feel I'm failing big time. I love my husband so much and wish I could bring him back. I know that's impossible.

May 06, 2013
To Anybody on Here
by: R

What do you believe: will we see our loved ones in Heaven when we too die? That question has so many different answers on the internet, and in intepretation of the Bible. I'm not seeking a religious belief, just what you personally think or believe. I am so upset ove the loss of my husband that I think I won't see him again. He can't come back to me here, but will I get to him?
Please somebody on this posting answer me, please.
I am in so much agony over his death.

May 06, 2013
To: Rhonda
by: Liz

Dear Rhonda,

We have not seen a post from you in a long time; maybe you don't remember the web page? Hope you're well and we know you are hurting a lot like we are for ourselves and for you.

Love, Liz

May 06, 2013
Can't believe it
by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can't believe that my husband passed away; we were supposed to "grow old" together, sell our big house, move to a smaller one, and take care of each other. Now, he is gone, and sometimes I wake up forgetting he died. Weekdays are bad (but I pretend he's at work), nd weekends are really bad, he's not around. Everythng is miserable and I don't want to go on.

Crying doesn't help, nothing helps. I wonder where he really is because I have been praying for a stronger faith to believe in a better place with God.

Am I crazy?

Anonymous

May 06, 2013
Can't believe it
by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can't believe that my husband passed away; we were supposed to "grow old" together, sell our big house, move to a smaller one, and take care of each other. Now, he is gone, and sometimes I wake up forgetting he died. Weekdays are bad (but I pretend he's at work), nd weekends are really bad, he's not around. Everythng is miserable and I don't want to go on.

Crying doesn't help, nothing helps. I wonder where he really is because I have been praying for a stronger faith to believe in a better place with God.

Am I crazy?

Anonymous

May 05, 2013
Not enough time
by: T

Liz
Today May 5th 2013, a pretty, sunny, warm day in South Florida, we laid my sweetheart's ashes to rest in beautiful waters of Biscayne Bay. The ocean was always a huge part of my husband's career, hobbies and life. Everyone has said that a ceremony at sea for him could not be more fitting. I feel some comfort knowing that these beautiful waters are my sweetie's resting place. However, the sadness today and loneliness ahead of me is crippling. I miss my schmoopy, I will always miss him until the day I die. I am having either panic attacks or fits of hysterical crying daily.

Today I thought to myself "ok, let's say I live to be 80, that's another 31 years.Oh my God we only had 14 years together and know I have to face 31 years without him!" We talked about growing old and how we would spend our time on the boat,fishing, traveling around the US. We would have NEVER left each other - we were each other's best friend, soul mates.

Why didn't God respect our love?!! Why doesn't God want me to be happy?
I know you don't feel lucky Liz, but you had over 40 years together with your husband. I know that doesn't make you feel any less sad or lonely but I wish God had granted us more time.

Life feels like just some place where I'm just here going through the motions. My only hope for tomorrow is to not have another panic attack or long periods of immobilizing fear and despair.

My husbands birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. He would've been 54. God help me.

May 05, 2013
To: Jenny, Sunday 5/5/13 10:48 a.m.
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I was glad to see your post. I just wrote back to Nirmala on e-mail; she wrote to me this morning.

Those memories about where you and Kenny went are great. I have so many too, but I sometimes can't think about them. I miss going for rides--Hugo knew how to go all over. I don't remember, so I will never see those places again.

The guy didn't show up this morning, so my fence will not come down. He called and said he had to go to his regular job; I don't believe him because he called way after 10 when he was supposed to be here. He said he'd come tomorrow, and I told him to be here by 10 that I don't like people being late. I rushed home from the supermarket to be here, and I even made lunch for him for later, and he's not coming. People.

Every day for me is a sad, lonely, depressing day.
I don't even care if friends and family would call--which they don't--because Hugo is not here.
I cannot believe this life, it seems like everything just changed so quickly.

I don't know what I'll do to keep busy. Maybe I will go to the store and buy mulch and mulch some areas around the house.

Well, your day has just about ended--it's evening there. I can't wait for my day to end, sometimes I wish my day would end for good. I hate this life.

By the way, Hugo had a bad back for around 20 years--he took acetominophen (tyelonol). He tried physical therapy, and even one time a chiropractor, nothing really helped. So when he got the worse back ache, we thought it was just his spine again, and so he had the discectomy. Then, he came home, couldn't eat, and the rest is lousy history: pancreatic cancer already in his liver too. He was doomed from the beginning. I knew I could do nothing, but I held on to hope. He suffered a lot, and his last night alive was the worst thing that I can't even describe it.
Why? Why God? I am so upset for Hugo and what he went through. Well, enough of my sorrow.

Kisses to Kacey, Love, Lisa

May 05, 2013
Liz, Jenny Rhonda and all others like us
by: Nirmala

Thankfully I slept decently last night. Jenny, I am buying the pizza for my son today, he thinks for every special game he watches he should have outside food, he is a very picky eater he pretty much hates most Indian food. I would give in every time but then my daughter holds me to task, she thinks I have spoilt him rotten. Being a mother it is not easy to see your child go hungry, on Friday night I had made this deep fried bread and potatoes he refused to eat and slept. But in all my husband and I have done a good job raising the kids. Even my husband's partners acknowledged that, more surprisingly my husband's sister, she lives in Canada was mentioning during my husband's funeral that we have done a good job.
It is very lonely, both kids are still fast asleep. My daughter has a lot of papers to complete before the 16th after that we will do things together.
Liz, I try to clean the house as much as possible, I still am not sure what I will do with the carpet, ideally I would like to get rid of the carpet on the first floor, but I am not sure if there is wood floor underneath it. I am not comfortable spending $500 for a carpet cleaning machine. My brother in law in Chicago bought it and uses it all the time, I am a small person, I doubt I would be using a big machine very often. But again it does not make sense to spend money for the carpet cleaner. I do not want to get overwhelmed, I will do nothing now. I can't believe my husband left me alone and is gone. All these fools that promised to take of us in front of him are nowhere. Today is the baby shower of his so called friend's wife, he sent me an einvite on my husband's email address, I do not want to go particularly since his partners' wives and all the extended family that did my husband wrong will be there. I hate them all, I would like to write a book and expose them all

May 05, 2013
Liz nirmala & Rhonda
by: Jenny

Hi , Sunday 3pm' nothing happening, no visitors, no phone calls, another lonely weekend, so opposite to how we used to spend it. Usually spent one day at home and the other we always went somewhere. We loved buying fish & chips and watching the ferry dock at the pier, always taking kacey withus, then we would bring him home and go out for a meal. I miss all of that, I think of all the places we went and the places I won't see again because I don't drive and no one ever thinks I would like to go for a drive. It's so depressing.
Liz how is the gardening going, hope you managed ok, be careful lifting because it is so easy to hurt your back, just do it in small amounts. I think I told you ken had a bad back for years, sometimes really pretty bad, he tried most of the time to avoid tablets etc, had physio now and then.
Nirmala, hope your legal troubles are getting somewhere, lawyers are renouned for taking their time and charging huge amounts, no wonder they have a bad name. How are your children doing, they must be a lot of comfort to you.
Rhonda hope you and your boy are doing ok, let us know sometime how you are.
Liz please take it easy, there's always tomorrow.
Lots of love jenny & kacey

May 04, 2013
Jenny: a P.S. to my 3 notes to you 5/4/13
by: Liz (Hugo's Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I hope you scroll through all my messages, I think I left 3 for you. I forgot to reply to your question regarding putting your email address on here. I won't, but you can if you wish. If not, write to Nirmala, and she will respond through her email and no one will know. Nirmala and I write on the e-mail all the time.

Once I went on another web page, and I got a note from a guy who said, "How old was your husband, how old are you, and what did he die from?"
I TOLD HIM OFF, AND I THINK HE GOT THE MESSAGE AND NEVER WENT ON THAT PAGE.

LOVE, LISA - HUGO'S BABE

May 04, 2013
To: Jenny & Nirmala - Saturday afternoon
by: Liz (Lisa)

Jenny, yes, some days, I can go without screaming and crying all day, and other days I am always crying no matter what. Hugo had a lot of beautiful cufflinks--I only parted with one pair which I gave to my niece's husband. I gave a watch to our nephew. I had that lady from the hospital's son over and he did the fertilizing for me, and tomorrow (Sunday)he will take down the deer fencing since my family is not coming.
I get so frustrated at all these projects, and I am angry that Hugo isn't here to do them because he loved to work in the yard, and he did it well.
I want him back so badly, I can't figure out what I will do; I only hope I do not live long, I want to join him. I wish you weren't so far.
It is Kentucky Derby Day again, and last year we watched it together on Hugo's Hi-def TV that he loved. He put on the surround sound. I recall saying to myself--looking at him: "I wonder where he will be next year during the Kentucky Derby?" Now I know, not with me. I won't watch it. We watched it for many years and he always picked the right horse, but he never bet.

Nirmala, your husband sounded like mine, never being able to sit down. Whenever he did have to hire someone to help, he gave them instructions, but if they didn't do well, he let them know.
It was nice that you volunteered during Sandy.
About neighbors, mine keep to themselves. One neighbor will stop by if I call for something, but I hate to bother them. You see, we all didn't socialize when Hugo was alive, so now to start it, it's like I'm in the way. Some neighbors will be nice for a while, but then, they don't care. The woman in front of me used to come by, now, NOT EVEN A CALL. Her husband is worse. I went there today to ask him something because I saw him outside. He is so much younger than my husband was, but he looks like he is around 72 years old. My husband looked so young for his age, and he was handsome. Nirmala, sometimes I just can't believe he is gone, and I get very angry.

Well, I can't wait for this weekend to end. But the week is the same. Lousy, without him.

Love to everyone, even all the dogs both of you have. Lisa (Liz)

May 04, 2013
Liz, Jenny Rhonda and others
by: Nirmala

Another weekend, it is so very quiet. My husband could not sit still even for a moment. The last saturday before he died, I doubt the weather was even that good, he started raking the leaves before his coffee, I had to go out and call him in. For most part he did not do much of that work by himself, he would hire people every weekend for various projects. Sometimes he would make them work on days that he went to work a little late, he would start his day very early instruct them as to what he wanted done for the day and then go to work, he would ask me to pick up some lunch for them and then drop them off in a bus stop in the evening. What a hard working person he was, he did not want to waste a day if he had his way. The day after Sandy he made us all go volunteer, we were a group of 10 people.
Jenny, you can write to me at nbhattacharya@yahoo.com. I wish I had neighbors I could talk to, although I can easily make friends I have not been lucky with friendly neighbors not even in my old house, I stayed there almost 10 years. I really need to make friends here if not it is a very lonely place.
I needed to plant the rest of the bulbs my husband had bought, today might be a bad day for that. Hopefully it will not be as windy in the afternoon.

May 04, 2013
Liz nirmala & Rhonda
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain,at times I think you are managing and seem so motivated to do everything and then I know you are not doing so well. The same thing happens to me, I think I'm doing ok and then I have this total meltdown, sometimes I feel like belting myself over the head, but all that would do is give me a headache. I think maybe I have got it through my head that ken is not coming home, why do I keep on asking him why did he leave me when I know so well it was not his choice. The same for Hugo, it's not what he wanted, you know that.
Today I found all of kens cuff links and tie pins etc, he loved watches and had several, I gave the boys one each but for some reason I kept the best one, he loved it so, some things are difficult to part with. I have thought about giving it to my eldest grandson, he is 15, kids aren't as sentimental as we are. I have put all the other items away and will look at them later.
Liz people mean well saying they will ring or visit, but they get caught up in their own daily goings on and don't stop to think of the hurt they are causing, I don't care anymore, it used to upset me but now I think, I can manage by myself, I don't want to become bitter and angry and be lousy like them. Liz you are stronger than you think. I. Think you are an amazing lady.
Nirmala, it's good to read your post, we were getting concerned for you, I hope all those legal problems will all be solved for you soon. It's such a shame you and your boy had an upset, but he would understand how things are for you. One day instead of cooking a meal why not share a pizza with him, I just bet he would love that. We can all look back and think of what we should have could have done, but we are not perfect, we make those decisions at the time because that's the way we felt and that's ok.
Rhonda hope you are ok, let us know would you.
It's almost midnight Saturday night here, be back in the morning.
Love to all jenny

May 04, 2013
To Jenny Saturday 5/4/13 7:30 a.m.
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

There will be about 3 posts from me to you.
I had to write again this morning--I'm having a bad 3 days. I can't stand this any more.
And not getting calls, which I feel, my family should be doing is killing me. I can't hear my husband's voice, but at least a family's voice would somewhat calm me. What do you say about this? What am I supposed to do. I can't stand constantly, every second, being in so much pain about Hugo not being with me any more.

Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 04, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I admireyou working so hard to make things nice the way Hugo would do it. But don't overdo it, there is always tomorrow. Wish somehow I could get motivated, I can't even be bothered keeping up with the day to day chores. I make sure kacey is well looked after and play with him. We seem to spend more time in the bedroom, the rest of the house is not used much. I have my ipad, tv, radio etc here, sometimes we even eat our meal in bed.
You were right about the perfume ken always bought it for me. He knew exactly what I liked. He also bought me lockets. i. Love them, the other day i wore his favourite one for the first time since he died. I don't do the things I always did anymore, no lipstick, ear rings etc. how do I get back to somewhere normal.
It is 3pm Saturday, the weather is really nice again, considering we are only 3weeks from winter, I live within walking distance of the beach, quite a nice beach to take kacey for a walk.
Liz what do you think has happened to nirmala and Rhonda, I hope they are ok. Do you think it is not a good idea to put an email address on this site. Is it a silly thing to do? I had nirmalas address but I lost it, I had a feeling she had yours.
Can you let me know what you think.
Don't let your relatives get you down, you are strong enough withouy them, they just don't get it do they. I switch off now, I just think one day your turn will come and them they may understand. When is Memorial Day, is that a holiday there? We don't have a day similar to that here.
Will write again later tonight
Keep well liz, lots of love jenny & kacey

May 03, 2013
Liz, Jenny, Rhonda and all others here
by: Nirmala

It is so depressing, nobody coming home for dinner, I picked my son at 3:00pm and that is it I locked the door because my husband will never come home. I would be watching out for him after 7:00 pm. I can't believe I used to complain to him about all the parties we had to attend since most people that invited us would eat only meat and even when they did have something vegetarian I would not trust that they would make it without mixing in some meat and also people would use the same serving spoon. I wish he was here I would not even mind going to those stupid parties if he was here. My son was acting up today, he wanted me to buy him pizza and I refused. I have to keep my expenses down, I am getting nervous, the court has not given me the executorship for my husband's estate yet. I need that piece of paper and claim his business account and then I have to make sure the billing company will collect the money due to my husband, after which the billing company wants a big cut of that money. They are thinking I am a fool, I am actually very tempted to write a book describing my husband's struggles in this country due to some very nasty people all from our part of the world.

May 03, 2013
To Jenny, Friday evening 5:29 pm, 5/3/13
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Good that you got out and went to the Plaza and had coffee and a donut, and then bought perfume.
I wish Kenny were there buying it for you.

I do not think I will ever get over anything; today a guy in the hardware store said, "It gets better." I'm sick of that saying.

I bought some turf builder/fertilizer/weed control; good thing my neighbors were walking by when I had to unload the 50 pound bag, they helped me get it out of my trunk. Tomorrow, I will attempt to fertilize the lawn. I'm teaching myself, and I remember a little from Hugo. I do all this because he tried to keep it nice, and I want to do it for him, as a gift to him.

You and I have so much in common with what we went through. Hugo died in my arms, he would not take a last breath until I told him to go to God, etc., and that was it--8:40 pm, Sunday night, July 29th. I shall never forget that scene; I don't know how I got through it. The hospice nurse was there and she told me to give him pemission to let go. My heart hurts today as it did that lousy, horrid night.

Tomorrow, the son of one of the girls who works as the front desk receptionist at the hospital Hugo was always in, is coming over. I may hire him to paint the trellis outside, and some other things. I hope he knows what to do. Lucy is a good person and reliable so maybe her son is.

Have not heard from Nirmala here, or in my e-mail. I wrote her 2 emails and messages here. Hope she is OK. She has a lot to deal with.

My stomach was OK for a few days, but I have pain again--I should not have eaten an orange, I can't digest them.

So, my niece will probably read the email I sent about how I feel left out, and no one can give me a definite yes or no any time I ask them to come up here for a little help. She is good to me, but I can't figure out why for a whole 5 or 6 days she doesn't call at all. In fact, my sister didn't call for 2 days. Probably because I used the wrong word when I spoke with her, and she picks on me for everything. I always tell her positive things about her husband's illness--how he will get better and be healthy again. I can't take this psychological analysis I have to do about them.

I'm going to eat some pastina (little pasta), and then watch TV and go to bed early, I got no sleep last night. I miss Hugo, and I can't take this separation much longer. I wish I could just disappear. He and Kenny suffered with that pancreatic cancer, and I hate that illness.

Take are of yourself and Kacey. Stay warm.
Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 03, 2013
To Jenny, May 3, at 12:18 afternoon
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

You really went through a lot which I read in your recent post, with Kenny's brother's illness, your dog Kelli dying, your eye operation, then Ken. I kind of went through a lot; the last thing I ever thought was that Hugo, too, would be going too. After my mother passed, it should have been our turn to live in peace. Then, my best friend, my rescuer in every way died. I'm lost.

I'm glad you'll get another doctor, and I'm glad your good friend will visit and comfort you.

I got angry last night, and shot off an email to my niece about always plans being changed on me, like I'm last on the list. I had a bad day yesterday and this morning.

I love keeping up the property because he loved it and he worked at it and I feel I can't disrespect it by letting it go to looking rundown.
That's just me. I hope he sees it and is happy.

My sister hasn't called in 2 days--probably I said the wrong word; she picks on anything. I have been so positive when I speak to her abouther husband's cancer and she knows it.
But 3 days ago, she told me a friend called her and didn't know about her husband being diagnosed with cancer. So, I said (perhaps the wrong word, but I didn't mean anything) --- I said, "I'm glad she gave you condolences about feeling bad about his illness...." I guess she figured I was saying her husband was going to die; the word "condolence" is used to say your sorry about any circumsance, not just death. But I always use the wrong word with her, and she is not too smart, and probably that little mistake ticked her off--she's like that--now she will punish me by not calling. I don't care. I'm tired of the game that I am not worth a phone call each day from her or her kids. I also told my niece, "Have you been to Uncle Hugo's grave since my friends and I made a garden for him?" No, I know none of them have been there.

I don't care if she's mad at me. Yes, they were here for Easter and my birthday and had a cake, but then I don't hear from them, no calls, and they know I am alone, sad, etc. So, if she's mad, I will deal with it--they will not call me for weeks. Why did I ever think that just because I lost Hugo, they would be any different and pay more attention to me? I'm stupid.

Well, another weekend is approaching--I hate it because none of my friends call--they are too busy with their weekend plans. Well, that's how it goes.

Stay well, and try to remember that Ken and Hugo are somewhere, just not here, but they surround us with love and guide us.
Love, Liz and kisses to Kacey.

May 03, 2013
Liz
by: Jenn

Dear liz , I have made moves to change drs. Picked up an application form today to another dr. It's a hard decision to downsize our other house was a lovely old house on a big block of land but it was getting beyond us, started needing alot of work. This house was supposed to be the start of our wonderful new life, we covered everything even down to towels and linen to see us through and guess what I ended up giving a lot away. We changed our luck when we moved here, kens younger brother got cancer and we looked after him, visiting doing his laundry etc, it was hard.
Then our beautiful dog died with pancreatic cancer too, she was the next size up from kacey, she was my girl, I loved her dearly, she was called Kellii . Then I got sick. Had an eye operation, the list goes on. And of course ken, then after ken, the house flooded and last Christmas my only brother died.makes my head spin, why did I ever buy lotto tickets.
I am so negative today I don't drink, maybe I should
You are right liz friends and relations just don't get it, but one day they will, maybe then they will think how negative they were.
Anonymous, we know you feel so alone but we are here for you, please remember that, you can say whatever you like here we will understand, it can help to get those bottled up
emotions out a bit.
My best friend is returning from interstate tonight it will be good to see her, we have known each other for years, but she does realise she really can't help me but she is always there for me,
On my worst days she will come down and try to help.
Liz I love the way you describe your property and your determination to keep it nice for Hugo,he would be very pleased with you.
Love to you all jenny

May 03, 2013
ToJenny: May 3, Friday morning
by: Liz

Dear Jenny, Here it is Friday, May 3rd already, and soon it will be Memorial Day and everyone celebrating. Not me. I'm sorry you couldn't sleep. I didn't either because yesterday I was angry and frustrated all day that Hugo is dead.
There's nothing I can do, but I keep thinking that if I pray enough, God will listen. So I had a very sad, quiet day which made it worse. The entire week, no one except one friend called; my family, forget about it. That makes it worse for me. I get angry that Hugo is gone and I am treated this way--if he were alive I wouldn't care about anything like no call, etc. I miss him, and when I get this frustrated it's because I feel eveyone has someone and I don't have him, the best thing that happened to me. Really, my sisters and brother were not exactly wonderful or sensitive but Hugo was my best friend and kind of rescued me from a family that I didn't feel love from, ONLY FROM MY MOM AND DAD, BUT NOT THEM--MY SISTERS AND BROTHER ARE COLD.

I won't give away his things now and if I ever do it will have to be to some kind of private clothing drive -- maybe for men who need suits, etc. for jobs. Some of his things, no, most of his things look brand new--that's how he kept them. There are things in the drawers and on the closet shelf that are new---when he got sick, he kept losing weight and we had to buy a lot of slacks, shirts, etc. He only got to wear them a few months. And only to the chemo sessions, etc.
Life really is unfair.

Yes, I worked hard, and I'm mad at my nephew and niece. They were supposed to come (her with her husband) to take down the deer fencing. Now, last night my nephew called to say they are coming next week--they keep putting it off. I never ask for a thing, but they do this to me each time, they never pin down the date, I call, I ask, and I get no yes or no until the last minute. So I went to bed angry at them both. I write her an e-mail saying how I feel let down, etc. I don't care if they get mad and say it's untrue.

So, today, my neighbor will try to help get some screws and bolts into the outdoor hose holder, it's coming off the side of the house. I hate asking for help. Hugo never asked anyone for help. I miss him so much, and I'm in my very bad mood again today thatI am not wanting to go on.

I have to end here, the tears are coming.

Love, Liz

May 03, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda
by: Jenny

It's afternoon here 4pm Friday, very strong wind at present, looks overcast probably rain. I walked to my appointment for blood test and it was wind in my face all the way. Went to the plaza, on the verge of wanting to leave but I didn't, but glad to get home all the same. Sat there by myself and had a coffee and donut, then I don't know why but I went and bough perfume I didn't need and a top I didn't need, maybe that is depression I haven't done that for ages, or maybe I got some comfort out of it.
Dear liz your property sounds lovely, but I guess a lot of work, Hugo would be proud of you for doing so much to it. .its awful the ups and downs of this grief, some days I think, Jen you are getting stronger and next thing I fall in a mess again.
You said you were with Hugo when he died, ken died holding my hand, I noticed his breathing changed, then he gave one last breath and he was gone, the clock on the wall showed 7 minutes past 9 of a night, I realised that was the date of his birthday, 7th September, two of our boys were with me the third had just left. Why is it that the bad memories are so dominant, why can't my mind be full of the happy times we had.is it possible we will never recover from this.
Dear liz we will just all hang in there together,share our thoughts and feelings, maybe we will help one another.
Rhonda and nirmala, hope you are ok, Rhonda are you and your boy ok, I haven't seen anything from you lately.
Kacey and I have come to bed, I'm tired from all that walking.
Love to you all jenny

May 02, 2013
Let Down
by: Anonymous, alone

Do any of you feel frustrated that you can't get a miracle to happen and get our husbands back or am i the only one thinking that way? I feel so helpless, hopeless without him, and I am angry that he died, not at him, just angry. It's like you can't get anyone to understand how much you miss everything so much.

I have a nephew who is a selfish brat and he is 27 years old, still immature. He has a job and all except he makes promises and goes back on his word. He never comes over to help me, and yet, stupid me i told him i was going to leave him my money. that was a dumb thing to do because he figures he has it all rapped up. Well, i am so angry with him for not calling me or coming when he wuld not do that if my husband his uncle were alive. my husband would tell him off good. he didn't stand for disrespect.

so, he makes me wait until he is good and ready to come over. he calls maybe once a month.

i don't know what any of you ladies and/men on this site think, but my opinion is this: when you lose someone isn't family supposed to comfort, help and support. I dont ask for much, but I have to ASK! mY FRIEND told me to just spend all my money and not leave him or any one of the others a penny. Now i feel better writing that.

does anyone go through this same thing? Death of a husband or wife hurts a lot, and yet sometimes your own family leaves you alone thinking it's ok not to even see if you are still alive. they add to my depressed mood. I wish my husband could come back, he would have a lot to tell them all.
I miss him so much, and i am as i said above, frustrated that he is gone and i can't do anything to get him back. God, it's up to Him, and apparently there aren't any miracles like raising the dead any more. I'm not being sarcastic, I love God, but I feel He doesn't feel my pain. I need help with this.

Anonymous all alone with no one who cares

May 02, 2013
Jenny, Nirmala, Rhonda - Thursday afternoon, US, 3:20 pm
by: Liz

Hope everyone is all right health-wise; heart-wise, I know that none of us are doing well and what is well?

Nirmala, I hope you took my advice about the trees and asking the village or town to help out.
Maybe they will have some compassion and do something nice for you.

Jenny, I wrote to you before, but I just saw another post from you saying that Kenny had a Ford, but you sold it. You sound like me, I used to take the bus and train when we lived in the city 38 years ago. Then when we came up here I had to drive, or it was walk miles, or hitch a ride (which I never did). There were no taxis then, and I won't take one now. We have dial-a-bus for seniors, and when I had to stay at my parents house overnight, I would not leave my car, so they picked me up and took me to the bus; when I returned, they picked me up. It only cost $2 round trip. Now, when I go to the City to see Hugo and my parents, I drive, leave my car because I come home the same day.

We were going to down-size; we planned it all just before he got that lousy diagnosis. Then, life came to a quick halt--our lives were in turmoil with chemo, hospital stays, etc., and hanging over our heads was he was going to die.
He never talked about it; but I did to others, not to him. I told him he'd beat it and I knew I was lying.

It's a nice Spring day, and it hurts not to have him here to look around the yard at all the trees he and I planted together, They were small, but are so large now. We have cherry trees, weeping whillows, a lot of spruces, vines, etc. Hugo made it a little "paradise." Now he can't enjoy it any more. That always makes me angry and sad at the same time.

Jenny, get rid of that doctor, you don't have to go there feeling intimidated or anxious because of him; you have enough. He should know better.
It's bad enough when others don't understand us, but this doctor should know better.

Rhonda, I hope you are trying to cope with your very difficult, sad time. I can't find any words of comfort because I don't even know how to find any kind of sense or peace from my loss. Please continue to write on here; we 3 will always answer you. Take care.

My heart is with all 3 of you, Liz (Lisa)







Rhonda, I hope

May 02, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, you sound like you are really getting quite serious about trimming those trees, be careful dont over do it, getting sore hands like that is not good, you sound so motivated.
Today, it's Friday 3.30 am and as usual I'm restless and can't sleep, I just made a cup of coffee, guess that doesn't help much. Anyway today I have to have a blood test, dr thinks I look a bit washed out, what does he expect should I look a picture of health when I feel so lousy, I'm still deciding if I will do it.
I told you my middle boy and I donated kens clothes etc to charity about a year ago, it was hard but I thought there are so many people needing clothes and they were so nice it seemed the right thing to do. Difficult to do but I have come to terms with it now. You will find you will do it in your own time, or maybe you will never want to do it, just make sure it's your decision whatever you do. I guess it's actually admitting that it is so final that they won't come back to us.
I haven't seen anything from Rhonda for some time now I hope she is ok.
Kacey is wide awake and he has decided he wants to have a run around the back yard, he's a funny little guy, trouble is I have to stand there and wait for him to stretch his legs and go to the toilet, I'm glad it's not raining.

It's almost 4am so I will try to sleep, will be back tomorrow.
Love to all jenny

May 02, 2013
To Jenny (and Kacey)
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I just got back from getting my hair trimmed; my husband used to cut it for me for many years, but now I have to get it cut, so I went very short-which he'd like because he always wanted me to wear it short.

I'm sorry you are having a bad night (Thursday); and I too am having a bad Thursday so far. I keep thinking, why did I learn too late how to want to enjoy life, and now Hugo is not here, and I would have not been "too tired" or not in the mood for going out, or whatever. Now, I feel terrible because the two of us really never had good times together during his 10months of chemo, etc. He tried, but he wasn't feeling well most of the time. Neither was I, so down, angry at his illness and I got so sad when he got thinner and thinner and when he lost his beautiful hair.

I'm sorry, too, that you are so far. I have 2 spare bedrooms, but I know the flight is too much for both of us. Maybe some day I'll win the lotto and hire a private jet for either me to come or for you. Sure! I never get even 1 number. Money doesn't matter, nothing does without our husbands. It's a nice day, and my heart hurts more on sunny days. He's missing the blossoms, etc. I am sad about that. I hope Heaven is as wonderful as they write about it.

I'm going to make lunch, then later I'll have to watch the lawn guy because I'm not that happy with his guys' work in some areas.

Our hearts are broken, our hearts will never mend, however we'll lean on each other to get through this tremendous loss and pain. Deal.

Love to you and little Kacey, Liz (Lisa)
Kenny and Hugo are flying a silver plan, Kenny's teaching Hugo how to fly. IF ONLY THEY COULD FLY HOME TO US.

May 02, 2013
Liz nirmala & Rhonda
by: Jenny

Dear liz nirmala Rhonda, hoping you are all doing ok, it's 8.30pm Thursday, and as usual kacey and I have come to

, been terribly miserable today, tv is on but not watching it, more for company a bit of noise to break the silence. Should be doing something like ironing which is just mounting uo and up, guess it will get done when I need clothes
Liz I wish one of us had the courage to visit, you are so welcome here I have a lovely spare bedroom, it would be so good. Guess we will have to just dream what might have been.
When my dad died I felt that for a long time he was still present for me, but I'm disappointed that I have never felt ken around me, I felt that because we were so close that I would, but I guess it's just not to be. I ask him sometimes to make the right decision but I think he doesn't hear me.
Hope I hear from you all soon, I figure mine take about 12 hours to appear.
Love to all jenny

May 02, 2013
Nirmala -= Thursday, 5/2
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Don't worry about the trees. This is what I would do, really: I would call the town - the Department of Public Works, and tell them your situation, about losing your husband, etc., and that you can't afford to have a professional company take the trees, and could they make a recommendation as to who would want to remove them. Many people want them for firewood, and I am sure the town will help you. I hope so.

My hand hurts from cutting dead branches, and from clearing up the mess. Today, I'm not doing any more work. My hand is also numb.

I'm going back to sleep, I didn't sleep well--fell asleep crying for my husband.

Will write later. Love, Liz

May 02, 2013
To: Jenny, Thursday, 5/2
by: From Liz

Dear Jenny,
Sorry you and Kacey were so cold. It's getting warm here, and that makes me sad because Hugo loved Springtime the best. He was starting to dread Winters and all the snow, etc.

My friend and I are OK; she doesn't hold grudges and certainly understood.

I am staying here, at least until next Summer.
I just found out that the house for sale up the road, which has been for sale for 16 months, is getting such low offers. She already dropped her price 4 times. I won't give my house away for little money because we put a lot of work into it, and people are just taking advantage of the sellers now. I'll live with the wonderful memories--I feel close to him here, and I can't picture myself tearing apart his tv and sound equipment from the beautiful woodwork he built for them. I also will not be giving away his clothes for a long time, if ever. It's too hard now. I still wait for him to return home. I could sware I heard him breathing just a few minutes ago.

He, too, snored very loudly; but after he got the cancer, he completely stopped and slepts so quietly that at times I had to check and make sure he was OK. I think the chemo, and the morphine he took for the pain stopped the snoring. I too would give anything to hear it again, to wake him up for work, to make breakfast, pack his lunch, make dinner, open the door when he called me that he was near home, and everything else. All gone forever. I can't believe it sometimes that he passed away. I don't want to believe. He was so full of life, and his illness just came as a shock.

Another day, and I will not do any work. My hand hurts from trimming too many trees. I'll just settle in and think about him, even if I cry all day. I keep thinking that if I cry and suffer enough he will come back.

Well, I'm going back to bed--it's 4:40 a.m.

Will write soon. Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 01, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda
by: Jenny

I wonder how you are all doing, nirmala & liz are your places so big, you must have to put alot of effort into managing them thankfully my place is small because we downsized, has three bedrooms open plan living room and kitchen, the land is not so big, I used to love gardening but now I can't be bothered, it's just shrubs lawn and a couple of apple trees.
I dont have a car liz, ken had a nice ford but I had to sell that because I don't drive, just walk, bus or train. Bus service is lousy here sometimes 1 1/2 between services. If in a hurry I get a taxi.
Today Thursday 2pm I think I have been hit with a double dose of depression, every time I see that dr I get like it, he is abrupt and no bedside manner, I miss my other dr who was just the opposite. This one treats people like he is so much better than anyone else, he is so pompous.
It's a really nice day today but won't be long before winter sets in, not that it's so bad, no snow thank heavens.
My mum came out from England when she was a little girl but she still remembered how cold it was there. Anyway she met and married my dad when she was 18 so she was happy.
Nirmala, is your mum still with your brother, and how are your children, are they in college now, I guess our school systems are quite different. Let us know how they are.
Rhonda, hope things are doing a bit better for you, I haven't seen anything from you for awhile, please keep in touch, we all need each other.
I was talking to a lady today whose husband died at 40and she had three young children, she also said no one understands how you feel unless you have lost your spouse, she is still on antidepressants over 10 years later. She said I shouldn't isolate myself, which I do, I guess I just can't pretend I'm happy and managing this grief.
Yes liz I think about if only we had met under happy circumstances, but I guess we at least have each other to chat with because we feel we understand each other and I think we do.
Will be back tonight love to all jenny

May 01, 2013
Liz, Jenny and Rhonda
by: Nirmala

Today is such beautiful day and I have nobody to share it with, my husband would have called for people to come do the yard work, not to forget the trees that came down due to Sandy. I am scared to think about it. A couple of months ago a gentleman had asked me if he could taken the fallen branches for fire wood, I had let him do it. I don't know if he got sick he has not been back. I would rather not spend thousands of dollars to get it cleared out. Many huge trees came down that day and my poor husband was trying his best to get people to clear it out. If there was a god I would not be in this horrible situation. I cannot cheat the kids off a healthy life, so I have to get better soon.

May 01, 2013
To Jenny: Wednesday 9:40 a.m. USA TIME
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,
I was so glad to get your 2 posts--one to me and the other one included with Nirmala and Rhonda.

First, I understand it is difficult to fly all the way here. But it was a wishful thought.

Second, Hugo always preferred black shoes; once in a while he wore brown, with a brown suit.
I did not ever pick out his ties--only for Christmas, and he wasn't excited about them, but made believe he was. He bought all his ties, and I'd say in his life he must have had around 1,000--I'm not kidding. Many of them hang on the tie rack in our closet, still looking new. He kept his things in great shape.

He would not get tired hearing about planes and flying--he knew a lot about planes, and also about cars. His favorite was the BMW -- FOR ITS ENGINE, ETC. Also, his grandfather worked for them in Germany, building them back in the 50's.
When Hugo retired from his executive position with a major newspaper in NYC, he worked for BMW. hE knew every model inside out--he loved engines.

They say that people do meet in heaven, especially if someone here has a connection, somehow they make the connection. I hope that is true. They can discuss us and how desperately sad we both are. I keep asking him and God over and over--why can't Hugo come home????? I don't care if it's nuts.

Glad you didn't go out in the rain. The haircut can wait, and both of you would have caught a cold. Do you have a car? I guess maybe not, or you wouldn't have to walk. I drive only because I have to around here, but I don't drive to the City. I take the buses, subways, and then I walk.
I used to do that anyway before I met Hugo--I walked to school, then took public transportation to work, etc.

Well, you're into Wednesday night, and it's morning here. Time is flying by, it still seems like it was yesterday that he left me. Do you ever wonder where they really are????????

Hope to hear from you soon. Kisses to Kacey. He missess Kenny but he can't tell you how much.

Love, Liz (Lisa) forever your friend in the bond we have. Wish it were a bond made by meeting when our husbands were alive.

May 01, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz , you are certainly a worrier, you know I will not lose contact with you, as you know sometimes mine take a long time to appear. About your friend of course she will forgive you she knows how stressed you are, she absolutely will understand. So please don't worry.
Today was a miserable day here, rained for sometime and overcast, that kind of weather makes me more depressed, I hate winter. Kacey and I spent a lot of time in bed with the electric blanket on. He cuddled up to get his share of warmth, you know liz the little guy gently snores, such a cute sound. Ken snored too, he was so loud though, never thought the day would come when I said I missed that, but I would love to hear it
It is nearly midnight Wednesday here and getting cold.
Liz I hope things are a bit better for you, you know liz I think I have finally decided to not sell the house and stay here, I will just have to deal with the memories, and maybe learn to live with them.
About a year ago my middle son and I decided to donate kens clothes etc to charity, heartbreaking it was so hard, but I couldn't part with his good overcat, do you think that is a strange thing to do? He always looked so lovely in it and I have it in my wardrobe
Will write again in the morning liz
Lots of love jenny

May 01, 2013
To Jenny & Kacey
by: Liz

Glad you're OK. I worry because I know how I get at times that I don't want to speak, write or do anything because it's one of those times when "it" hits me so hard that I get too upset and angry. In fact, I was angry with my family for changing around the upcoming weekend to help me here that I took it out on my best friend because she didn't call me. I apologized, but I still feel badly and I'm afraid she won't really forget it. She's been better to me than them, and I should not have lashed out at her. Hugo knows why I did--because of my family--the let downers who always did it to me.
Glad you're OK; and sorry, but I'm a worrier.
Love, Liz

May 01, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, today when I read your last post in a way it made me sad, you are such a lovely lady, so honest and the way you write is straight from the heart, a heart like mine that is shattered. While we don't know each other personally, but in a way we do, we understand each other. What a lovely thought about visiting, but unfortunately I don't think it is possible.
Ken too was a lovely dresser always went to work looking so gorgeous, he worked for a government depart in the city, the thing we disagreed on was the colour of his shoes, I loved dark brown with grey pants but he loved black. I also talked him into getting away from the white shirts and into some lighter shades and I had the fun of picking his ties, I miss all that, it's the little simple things that occur that make me sad.
You have your hands full with that property, it's sounds so big, I hope you get help with it soon.
Will write again tonight, at present it is 2pm Wednesday.
Love jenny

Apr 30, 2013
Liz nirmala Rhonda
by: Jenny

It's 9.30amwednesday morning, I'm supposed to take kacey for his haircut, but it is raining so heavily and because I have to walk for about 1/2hour I've had to cancel until next Monday morning. Dear liz I hope you are ok, wish there was something I could do or say to help us all.
In a way I think I am better off staying home today, it's been a stressful couple of days. My youngest son and his wife came on Sunday and we cleaned out the garage, like Hugo ken had so much in the way of different tools etc,he had not long ago bought a trailer, I think it's a man thing, but he loved it, anyway I was glad my middle boy loved it too so I gave it to him. Luckily with the boys at least they can use some of his tools.
A nice thought Hugo and ken in heaven together, so much in common, I would like ken to have company like Hugo, once ken started talking about flying, Hugo would have sore ears, ken was so passionate about flying, and Hugo could tell him of
his helicopter experiences.
Nirmala and Rhonda hope you are ok, I will write again tonight, I'm going back to bed for awhile, today is not good.
Love to all jenny


Apr 30, 2013
To: Anonymous "MY friend"
by: Liz

Dear Anonymous,

This is Liz writing back to you. Thank you very much for your kind words of sympathy for me and for your friend as well.

It hurts every second of every day and night. I wish I could help more, but I can't even get it through my heart and my mind that my husband of 44 years is gone (knew him 46 years). It was a shock, and some days I wait for him to really come back. Grief comes in so many forms; mine comes in crying, screaming, depression, sadness all the time, a sense of separation anxiety, and asking God to send him back. (Not crazy, just my heart hoping it could happen.)

My love to you and your friend. Our loss is the most difficult thing in life we will go through.

Thank you. Liz

Apr 30, 2013
Liz
by: Jenny

Dear liz, please don't worry, I am ok. Kacey is ok, yes his haircut tomorrow, it is 11.30 pm Tuesday here at present.
Will write tomorrow when I get back with kacey. Love jenny

Apr 30, 2013
For Jenny, April 30, 2013 9:30 a.m. Tuesday
by: Liz

Dear Jenny, I'm glad you made it out to the doctor and back OK. I won't go to a pyschologist--one has been "pushed" on me, but I said no. However, maybe he/she can help you. I hope so.
No one can help me: my heart is so broken; I just keep thinking I can keep believing God will let him come back.

Yes, Kenny and Hugo were alike. I don't know about Kenny, but Hugo had to dress up every day of his life for work--suit, shirt, tie, and he always re-shined his shoes before leaving--he'd take them to the basement and give them a quick shine with special leather cleaner, never shoe polish. Now his clothes hang there, even the smaller ones we had to buy when he lost so much weight. I wish I had gone instead of him.

I've worked every day for 4 days outside. I am teaching myself how to use some hand tools, trimming dead branches, raking, etc., but I can't use the mower--I wish I could it would save me $75 a week to pay a guy to mow each week. I did accomplish a lot and I think Hugo gave me the strength and incentive to do it. I felt that I got energy from him. Is that possible? I hope he is proud. I keep getting scared he has forgotten about me, our home, and our love. It scares me so much that I'm afraid he won't be there for me when I die.

I asked my nephew and my niece's husband to make it on Sunday, and so far no answer. The deer fencing has to come down so that the lawn guys can get into that area and weed-whack the rest of the stuff. You can't work with the fencing up.
I can't take it down, or I would. I also have to worry, I need a trellis painted, but it has to be scraped first, then painted, and if the vines start to grow in it will be too late.

I meant it about coming here--you will get away from Winter in Australia, and be in summer here.
You can bring kacey, won't they allow him in a little carry-on, so he doesn't have to be alone on a long flight? I'm fussy about allowing any big dogs in my home, but your little poodle will be fine. It would help the two of us. You won't have to buy food, I'll buy it, do the cooking.
We'll help each other. I know you don't know me, and I don't know you, but finally in life, I am open to taking a chance. Hugo is gone, I'm reall y so angry because I feel he is now at the age where he could have retired and we would have been able to start "living" again. Why is it always too late? I ask God each day to ask Hugo if he wants to go home. Why can't there be miracles like in bible times? I'm not nuts, just trying to figure out how to get him back.

Hope you write soon. Love, Liz

Apr 30, 2013
Liz. Nirmala Rhonda
by: Jenny

Dear liz nirmala & Rhonda, I managed to cope the last couple of days having to go out, went to the drs. Blood pressure is up I'm not surprised, saw the psychologist
That went ok and managed to get home in one piece. Tomorrow kaceys hair cut and shampoo, grooming is expensive here too nirmala, $60 and he's only a little guy.
Dear liz you are having a rough time, don't let them get you down, it's amazing when you do so much for people and when you need a bit of help, love and sympathy they are not there for you, it's pretty damm sad and wrong. Wouldn't I just love to accept your kind invitation, it is so sweet of you, but like you it's a long way to travel alone, think I'm lacking confidence.
I read up about Zoloft and I'm not increasing the dose will stay on 50mg for a while and then get off it, I'm not sure that it does anything for me anyway.
It's strange how much Hugo and ken were alike, same lovely personalities, loving caring ways, even their interests very much alike. I always felt ken was perfect, wish I had told him that, maybe what they say about god only taking the best is true.
Nirmala, sounds like at last you are getting the time to be alone with your children , that's really what you all need. You need time all of you to grieve how you want to . Your dogs sound great, they are good company, always there to love you no matter what.
Rhonda your husband died differently to ours but it was still an illness, an addiction is so hard to fight, he was so young, so sad, at times you feel like you are going mad, but those feelings are so normal, I was convinced I had totally lost any reasonable thoughts. You are lucky to have your boy, sometimes I wish one of mine was still at home, but. They are much older than your son.
I hope this goes through ok this time.
Love to all jenny

Apr 30, 2013
To Jenny: 4/30/13
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Your small post to Nirmala, Rhonda and me came up on Tuesday (here at 2 a.m.--I'm up as usual to get an aspirin for my aches from working).
What's the mattter? Are you OK? Is it the pill?
I'm worried.

Hope you can write soon. Is Kacey OK -- don't you have to take him to get groomed? I think maybe you are busy out with him, or having a panic attack. If Zoloft bothers you, try to switch to Klonopin -- small dose--0.5 mg, and I cut them in half -- one half in the day and l whole one in nighttime to help me sleep a little.

I AM VERY SENSITIVE TO PILLS EVEN ASPIRIN OR TYLENOL, SO I HESITATED WITH THIS KLONOPIN. BUT AFTER THE DOCTORS TRIED ZOLOFT, LEXEPRO, ZANAX, ETC., I FOUND THIS ONE THE ONE I COULD TAKE WITHOUT BAD SIDE EFFECTS. YES, SOMETIMES THEY WOULD MAKE ME FEEL FUNNY, BUT THE OTHERS WERE LIKE MAKING ME LIKE A ZOMBIE, AND I HATED THEM.

So, I'll write later and hope that you're OK. iT'S EARLY EVENING WHERE YOU ARE, I THINK, ON TUESDAY. RIGHT?

Love, Liz

Apr 30, 2013
my friend
by: Anonymous

HI Liz
I just want to write you and let you know your words are very helpful to my best friend who has lost the "love of her life", she relates to you as she to only had him and no kids... they had each other.... for over 35 years...

If in some way, you could know that there are others who feel what you are feeling, and your words mean so much...

I just wanted to extend my deepest sympathy for your loss and my best friends loss.


Apr 29, 2013
Nirmala
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I wrote to you separately on e-mail. I hope you find a cheaper groomer. I'm glad your day wasn't as bad as mine. I worked outside the entire weekend to keep my mind off my pain, and the fact that my family has no damn time to call me.

Life is unfair; I hope you and your kids get time off alone to grieve properly. Why your husband passed away at 50, I cannot answer; I dont even know why my husband suddenly was hit with that lousy, bad cancer with no signs at all. In July 2011 he was working at work, working outside here, as usual, and then in September 2011, he's told he will die. I hate everything. I lost my hope in my family too. They don't get it, and I feel I would always call them if they were the ones who had a death of their husband or wife.

I'll write later. Hope to hear from you soon.
This page takes too much time to hear from Jenny, too.

It's raining, but I will still go outdoors and work, until maybe I will drop dead. Good.

Love, Liz

Apr 29, 2013
To Jenny:
by: Liz (Lisa)

Monday, 29th April, 2013

Dear Jenny: Today marks the 9th month anniversary of my husband's passing--it was a Summer night, July 29th, at 8:40pm that he took his last breath. My life went with him.

The messages from you aren't coming, so I thought I'd write again. Had a weekend of doing too much outdoors work--back breaking, can hardly move without pain. But I did it for him. He liked our property looking neat, so I tried my best. I dont know how to drive the mower or I'd do it.
My family informed me last night they (my nephew and my niece's husband are NOT COMING UP MAY 4TH SATURDAY TO TAKE DOWN THE DEER FENCING. I DON'T GET WHO'S TELLING THE TRUTH--ONE SAYS HE'S BUSY AND ANYONE THE OTHER HAS TO WORK, BUT MY NIECE SAYS HER HUSBAND CAN TAKE OFF. I COME LAST.
THEY CELEBRATED 2 BIRTHDAYS ON SAT. AND SUNDAY--THEY WERE DRIVING HERE AND THERE. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY STUFF IT'S THE LAST TO DO. I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH, AND I AND MY HUSBAND GAVE THEM EVERYTHING; I ALSO MADE THE BIG MISTAKE TO TELL THEM THEY WOULD INHERIT WHAT I HAVE WHEN I DIE.
WELL, I AM NOT SO SURE NOW BECAUSE I AM TREATED WITH FAKE LOVE YOU, ETC, BUT ALWAYS THE LAST ONE TO GET VISITED. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO HIS GRAVE IN MONTHS AND THEY LIVE VERY CLOSE BY.
I GET THERE ALL THE TIME, WITH A LONG TRIP,.
I AM RE-THINKING PEOPLE.


I did not sleep last night because I believe that I cannot trust anyone. I better learn to live alone, never depend on them, and in the end they will be surprised that I changed things around.

I am sick of this b.s. When they do come to help, it's never done right anyway. And I feed themn, etc. I am angry now, so I better quit.

I hope you're OK, I know you have to go out this week. It's beautiful here--everything is blooming, and Hugo would love to see his land look so nice--he loved Spring. Started hating winter 3 years ago. The snow, etc. makes everything look ugly.

I'm sorry for the venting, but I've lost hope in people's word.

Love, Liz (Lisa) forever missing my love and being too upset over him being gone to tell eveyone to go to he--.

Love, Lisa

Apr 29, 2013
Monday 29/4 8pm
by: Jenny

Dear liz, nirmala & Rhonda, .i won't write a lot at the moment but thinking of you all. Love jenny xxx

Apr 27, 2013
Liz, Jenny and Rhonda
by: Nirmala

I am feeling a lot better today, my son had to go to school for a couple of hours so I decided to stay in the neighborhood. I met up with a friend of mine, she had dropped everything and came the day my husband died. She was also the person I was talking to via text the night before my husband died. We went to a coffee shop and spent some time before I had to pick up my son. She is almost my mother's age but we get along quite nice. If my brother does not misbehave we will probably go to their house tomorrow and maybe my mother will stay there for a month or so. I would love the break. There is a lot of issues the kids and I have address, to carry on with our lives. I feel I am not doing justice to the kids, they lost a parent at such an awkward age.
Jenny, my golden needs a haircut too. I am dreading the trip since my husband helped me to take her to the groomers last summer. And also they will charge me $100, that is not something I am looking forward to, maybe I will check online and see if there is a cheaper place, actually grooming schools might not be expensive. The water that comes out of the garden hose is still very cold otherwise I could have given them a bath today. I still have to plant a lot of bulbs that my husband bought. I still can't believe a healthy 50 year old just dropped dead on me. So much unfinished things to take care of. Hopefully I do not have too many years before I join him.

Apr 27, 2013
To: Jenny, Saturday, 4/27/13
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I am so sorry Kenny is so far away; is it because he's where his family is? That is so hard for you. For me, all I have left is the cemetery to go to. Today, I'm bad. I tried to figure out when to fertilize, kill weeds--Hugo had so many things--it is like a hardward store.

Kenny was so smart, and he had a pilots license--Hugo wanted to get one, I said no. But he did fly in many helicopters in Vietnam.

Hugo, too, felt he had to take care of me and be nice and help people. Why are they gone; they would have been good friends, they had so much in common. Maybe, because of us, they have met in Heaven. I don't know if I'll get there because God will punish me for thinking about how I would wish I could just die.

Hugo loved ties, he bought them sometimes every week. What do I do with all of them? What do I do with everything he left behind. This is what gets me so down--he left me, the house, and all his favorite things behind. He loved clothes, watches, tools, gardening, etc. It is so unfair.
I really hope that he is in a place where he doesn't miss this world and what he left behind; but I hope he remembers me and still loves me.

I am so lonely. I wish you weren't away so far.
I know you'll never come to America, but if you change your mind, you can stay with me. This is the best time of the year--Spring and Summer. I hate Wintertime.

My heart is sick, I don't know what to do without him, and I hate that I don't know how to use all his tools and machines. They just sit there, like me--a nothing, nobody. No one will love me like he did.

I wish the world would end so we can all rejoin our husbands. I'm supposed to embrace life and find a purpose--well, my purpose was my husband; and I want him back.

I will write again later or tomorrow. Please don't forget to write back; I await word from you because you understand what I say and know what I mean. Love, Liz (Lisa -- Hugo called me "Babe" from the day we met). WHERE IS HE??????????

Apr 27, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

Liz, So sorry you feel so bad. I feel the same too. I woke up this morning with that same dread I get every morning,that my husband's gone and will never come back.I sometimes don't think I will manage to go on without him. I keep hearing that time will help but I haven't seen that. I feel worse it seems everyday. I can't see myself feeling like this forever and wanting to go on with life.The world now is a very scary place to me. I know my family especially my mom, means well when they're giving me advice but they don't know what it feels like to lose a husband. My husband didn't have cancer, he had something that could have been treated but didn't. He was an alcoholic and died of Alcoholic Cirrhosis. I've known him since 98 and we've had a lot of problems. The cops were called quite often because of it. He could get pretty cruel when he was drunk. He could be the sweetest guy in the world too. But he left me with a lot of anger too. He had his family and mine and me trying to help him with his addiction. The whole time he thought we were trying to hurt him instead of helping him.He always stuck up for the booze like it was a person instead of just a thing.I don't miss the alcohol, I miss my husband. I wish I could have told him more when he was alive. I always wonder if there was something else I could have done to save him. I ponder so much all day long. Try to hang in there and I understand how you feel and wish that we weren't feeling this at all. Love, Rhonda

Apr 26, 2013
Saturday 1pm 27/4
by: Jenny

Dear liz, what a long trip you have to visit your hugo, I don't drive and where ken is it is impossible to get there by public transport, I have taken a taxi on special dates but it costs over $200, and I can't do that very often. My youngest son wont take me, he doesn't want to go near there. Funny attitude, but that is the way he is. I thought he may have come today, but looks like it is not going to happen.
You know liz, no matter what we think, feel, do, nothing in this world will ever be the same again, it's all grey and black. I know what you mean when you say you want to be with Hugo,ken made me promise not to do anything stupid because we would never find each other again, he believed in that, I'm not so sure.
Like hugo, ken was a handsome man, he was so nice, women loved him he had this really caring attitude about him, always ready to help anyone, I was proud to say he was mine. He would always say to me, it's my job to look after you and that's what I'm going to do and he did it so well.
He was smart too, loved computers, he built his own years ago, loved photography,read a lot, had his private pilots licence, that was the second loved in his life.
I was surprised to read that you and nirmala lived maybe in the same area, I had you in different states, wouldn't it be nice to try and meet up, would possibly be good for you both. Wish it was possible for me.
Dear Rhonda, everything you feel and say is exactly what we are all feeling, you are perfectly normal, just wish I could tell you how to deal with it. I get waves of depression just sweep over me and I start sobbing. At times I feel so weak acting like that. Love your son, he is special to you, boys always love their mums.
I have to go out a couple of times this week and I'm already thinking up reasons why I can't go, I'm frightened how I will handle it. I was never like this before because I was always with ken, I felt secure.
We all hate mornings, I think that first thought that they are not here is heart breaking.
Dear liz,Rhonda and nirmala, our lives have changed for the worse,,at least we do understand each other and we try to support each other, doesn't matter what we say or how we feel we understand each other.
With my love to you all jenny.

Apr 26, 2013
Rhonda (4/26/13)
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Rhonda,

You are normal; you had a wonderful husband as I did, and we miss them too much to stand it. It is separation anxiety, and I have it worst when I first wake up--a panic--oh, no, he is gone; every single morning. At night, I scream for him to come home, and I cry til I fall asleep. We, on this site grieve as all others do--I read many sites after typing in many things on Google, and the woman all say what you and I say. We hate life, we wish we had gone too. Some days, I plan how I can go, I am ashamed to say, and God will punish me, but that's how I feel without my husband. It is the worst thing I've gone through in my life, and it will never stop hurting for me.
I miss everything about him, and everything we did together. I hate this house, I hate the car, I hate everything because he is not here to share it. Most of all I hate cancer, especially pancreatic cancer--you have to chance with that cancer, none. I often wonder if he remembers me, if he sees me, if he knows how much I cry and miss him. That aches me to the core of my being.
Life is never going to be the same; and also, I can't believe he is gone, I just can't get myself to comprehend the enormous loss and emptiness in my life now. It sucks (sorry if that offends you--my husband didn't like to speak unladylike and I usually don't, but I AM ANGRY TOO.

I hurt for you because I hurt the same way, exactly the same way you do. Love, Liz (Lisa)

Apr 26, 2013
To: Jenny April 26 2013 Friday afternoon
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Jenny,

I just got back from the long trip back and forth to the cemetery to visit Hugo, my parents and my aunt Mary. I changed my clothes, put my things away, and then ran to the computer.

I was so glad to see a message from you, but I am so sad you are as sad as me. It is a beautiful Spring day-everyone is out eating ice cream, laughing--I had to pass all of this, plus the beautiful trees, etc., at the cemetery. I cried inside, holding back tears in public. I hated everything and everybody I saw. Anyone can see that I am a lonely woman who is lost, and sadder than sad. I got up at 3 a.m., got on a 4:30 a.m. bus, and I could not believe that I have to do this--he and I used to drive to the cemetery to visit others, now I go there alone to see him.
On the way home, Islept for 20 minutes on the bus, when I woke up, everything in my body hurt from my head to my toes. I'm wondering if I have some kind of thing going on; I better tell my doctor on 4/30 when I go back.

I also am ashamed to tell you this, still thoughts of just dying cross my mind, and I try to figure out what to do. I can't stand this any more, it is not living; he is gone, I'm left alone, I hate life this way. What will God do to me?

Jenny, I hope you are not feeling like me. It is terrible.

Hope Kacey gets a nice hair cut--he must look so adorable. At least you have him.

I will write later or tomorrow. Another weekend of crying, being angry, upset, and wanting to just give up. I pray God will take me soon.
Love, Liz (Lisa)

Apr 26, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

Mornings are the worst for me. I have to get up early to get my son ready for school but instead I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to face the day without my husband.Anywhere I go or anything I do, I can't escape the feelings I have.Is there something wrong with me or is this just normal? I've been told that this is normal but I can't function anymore. I wish I would have died with my husband.I know I shouldn't say this but I don't feel any hope for the future. Everyday, I feel that same dread. That's no way to live everyday

Apr 25, 2013
Another sad day
by: Jenny

Dear liz, it's Friday 8am and I'm so miserable, again I can't stop crying, yesterday I I thou.ght I was starting to come out of the fog, but no, when is it going to get better. Mornings I think are the worst, I think another long day without him. I cry until I'm exhausted and then hope I can sleep and escape this sadness. I make kacey sad too, and I feel bad about that, his brown eyes are sad and like nirmalas dog he tries to lick my tears away..
This week I have to go out a couple of times I'm dreading that, I have a drs appointment, and I have to take kacey to the groomers, usually he stays there for about 4 hours and I hate being without him. Being a poodle he needs a hair cut about every 10 weeks.
My best girl friend has gone interstate for a week for a wedding, I will miss her too.
The week end will be lonely, but I don't know what I want. Maybe my youngest son and his wife may come, but I don't know. I have so much washing and ironing to do, when ken was alive I was never behind with that. But know I don't care,just an endless stream of my clothes, I miss ironing his shirts, I had a thing about ties, I loved buying ties for him, he always looked so handsome
.i didn't get to sleep until 4am this morning, so maybe I can sleep awhile this morning.
Hopefully the mood will be better tonight and I will write again.
Love jenny

Apr 25, 2013
P.S. To Jenny from my 4/25/13 post
by: Liz

Jenny, the time difference is 13 or 14 ours right?
We have daylight savings time. When it's 4 pm here on Thursday, you are already at Friday, 8 in the morning, I think. Love, Liz

Apr 25, 2013
Dear Nirmala & Jenny, April 25, 2013 2:15pm
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,
It seems like you are going to do what I do--fight for your husband's hard work. I am fighting the army because after reading 200 posts, these widows on the VA agent orange post said their husbands were there when mine was and they all died from pancreatic cancer. So, I will fight to the end. My stomach hurts all the time, and today, drying the shower/tub I pulled a muscle-that is because I don't move around like I used to. I will be way gone by the time you are there to pick up your son. I get to the cemetery around 8:30 in the a.m., and I leave after my visits, around 9:45, and I get the 11:30 bus back home. Some day, we will meet. I hope the partners get their act together. your husband knows you are doing your best. Love Liz

Dear Jenny,
I am so sick of this stomach, but I live with it.
I never had this everyday when Hugo was ill.
I like the name Kenny. It's cute, and I bet he was very handsome.

Mornings are worst, but some days, all day is bad--I cry and I cry and I don't know what to do. I go up and down-from kitchen to computer and check to see if anyone wrote. I will not leave here until maybe next year. I will see what my lawyer says to do. I will see him soon to go over my life and what to do with guarding my home, my assets, etc. I don't need the gov't taking it, so I must set up a will or something. Life has changed so much for all of us. We were so happy, things were going well (except my parents' sickness and my constant worry), but we were basically doing OK. I was one of the luckiest girls in the world--my husband adored me, and I felt secure. Now, I am alone, scared, and have no more of that security and love. Just memories.
I miss him so much, more each day. So, tomorrow I will visit him--I hate the cemetery, never thought I'd be going alone to see him there too.
Life is strange, and unpredictable.
wATCH the side effects if you have any from the Z stuff.
I will write tomorrow night.
Love, Liz


Apr 25, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

This week is almost over, Liz I don't know how you do all that traveling. It has been a long time since I took public transportation. I hope the probate process will be fair and we can get what my husband worked and died for, only then can I start putting my life together. After more than a month my lawyer heard that the partners were compiling the paperwork requested by the court. I do not know if I should consult with a criminal lawyer. I do feel overwhelmed many times but I have to take care of business. I need to make sure we get all the money he worked for. I need to make sure the kids and I are taken care of. It is not going to be very easy to get a job. I have to fight for my husbands honor and work ethic, he worked very hard till the very end.
Liz, tomorrow maybe we will cross paths, my son plays basketball at the park not far from where you will be. But then I pick him up quite late, almost when the sun is setting. Make sure you take care of yourself, you should not traveling that distance without eating. I am doing a lot better with my food intake of course my iron level has not improved much, I am still working on it. I would rather not take the iron pills, I have bad memories from my pregnancy days.
Jenny, my husband was planning to immigrate to Australia some 25 years ago, but then we met almost 24 years ago and since I was already coming here to the States, this is where we came. I always wanted to visit Australia and for me traveling has been a problem because of my dogs. My chocolate will growl at people if he is scared of them, so I cannot leave him with anybody. He is not really an aggressive dog but he pretends to be one and people get scared. For a few years we thought he could hurt my son, that was till he called his bluff, he went closer to him when he was growling and he did not even attempt to bite. I love this guy a lot, he literally licks my tears off. My golden is a little insensitive but then I have noticed she follows me around when I am feeling sick, particularly when I cough she is always around. I am wondering what they were thinking when my husband died. I used to tell them daddy is coming and they would behave, now when I say that they don't show any reaction. In the old house they would hear his car and behave. I wish I could go back to 5 months ago. Life was perfect and I did not even know it.

Apr 25, 2013
Rhonda
by: Nirmala

It broke my heart to read your message, my husband was fond of drinking. But my husband died after he quit drinking, on Thanksgiving night he woke me up in the middle of the night to help him get rid of the alcohol. He tried, my kids think he could never quit for good. But my problem is his blodd report came out very good this was less than a month before he died, he again started drinking when he had to go to court and defend the technicians that worked for him related to the partner. This time it was only 4 days. He wanted to fire them they would not let him.
My husband died even with the blood work showing no problems, the medical examiner also mentioned to me that his lever did not have much damage, looked like a normal person's. So the poor thing was trying to do the best. My son turned 17, 16 days after his father died. My husband had asked me if I wanted to have a big party for the two kids like we had done last year, I had decided against it since my kids were only celebrating their 17 and 19. We had a very nice sweet 16 for my daughter and for my son since he did not want a party we included my daughter so he would not mind. Thank heavens I did that now I have these beautiful pictures of the family, or there would have been very few. Please write to me I am sure I can help you since I am in the same situation

Apr 24, 2013
Liz nirmala rhonda
by: Jenny

Dear liz thanks for the info about the Zoloft, I really do have my doubts about it. Today is Anzac Day here, I think like your Veterans Day, I thought my youngest son was coming but he's not, I haven't seen him for 3weeks, and I am pretty upset. I don't ask a lot from them I try and manage everything myself liz like you I think about selling the house, it's still on hold, but I think I am leaning towards staying here, I think no
matter where I live I won't ever be happy. I had a smile when you called ken, Kenny, it was my favourite name for him. I hope your health problems are a bit better.
It is sad that we live so far apart, and the sad circumstances under which we met, like you I would be unable to travel ken was always the one who organised things, I'm not confident enough. It was a nice idea.nirmala, how are things with you, I know I still haven't written that email yet, but I will. I use an ipad for my posts, usually do them in bed, but my email is set up on another computer, do you think you are feeling and dealing with things better or things still not too good. People say time heals but I doubt that.
Dear Rhonda, I think your panic attacks are probably about normal, it's an awful feeling though, I woke this morning having one, because it hits me that ken isn't here, I hate mornings.
I get terribly lonely, but at the same time I think i just want to be by myself. Don't think that your husband loved alcohol more than you, it is just like other illnesses, just hard to understand.dont be hard on yourself. Your young son must be a great joy to you, we had three sons and we enjoyed them so much, biggest problem was educating them.
You were right liz, our Christmases are hot, our summer is December, jan and feb, so we are now heading for winter, cold but not too bad, and no snow.
Liz what is the time difference between us and do you have daylight saving, it is midday Thursday here at present. The other day when I wrote it only was about five hours before it appeared, isn't that strange.

Love to all. Jenny


Apr 24, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

I had a terrible day.I was driving and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I started getting this bad feeling, thinking about my husband and feeling this huge sadness and dread that I've never had before. I called my mom when I got home because I was so scared. She said that it was normal though I'm not convinced at all. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and hope he can help. Right now, I'm taking Lorazepam and taking more than I should. I'm hoping that I'll feel numb from all this. It helps a little but that's it. I have questions for this doctor too. Last year, July, I talked my husband into going because this is when I started noticing the swelling he had in his ankles and legs. I went with him to his first visit,they had blood work done. The second visit I didn't go and my husband signed this paper stating no one including me was to know what was said in the doctors office. Now that he's gone I want to know what was kept from me. I know it's not going to bring him back. But, I thought that his Alcoholic Cirrhosis death was sudden at his age, 40.. It was wrong for my husband not to tell me and wrong for the doc to me. I think if I was better prepared maybe I wouldn't feelso rotten now MAYBE.. My son's 13 Jenny. His dad won't see him grow up cuz he loved the drinking more I'm afraid:/

Apr 24, 2013
To Jenny, 4/24/13-SECOND MESSAGE,CONTINUATION OF FIRST
by: Liz

Jenny, I ran out of space (it said only 3,000 letters) so I'M SENDING THIS ADDITIONAL NOTE--I HOPE YOU READ THE FIRST LONG ONE TOO.

I am sorry you are so far away from the U.S., or you and I could get together. I will never get on a plane to go away again without my husband, it would hurt too much; and where you are is too long a trip for me alone.

If you were ever to change your entire moving plans and come to the U.S. you can stay with me.
But I doubt you will go so far from Kenny, and I don't blame you. I can't leave NY, my husband is buried here. It's bad enough I can't go to visit him each week, but I do get there every 2 weeks.

I hope we can keep in touch all the time.
I won't put my email on this site, and I don't recommend you doing it either. It's not a good idea. Anyone will get it, and in this world, I don't trust doing it. Liz

Apr 24, 2013
Jenny - April 24, 2013 Wednesday 12:50 pm
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Just finally received your message. The Zoloft 150 mg, in my opinion, will be too high. But if you go on the web page--look up zoloft side effects, etc. The fuzzy head is from stress plus the zoloft. Sometimes my klonopin bothers me, sometimes not. I have all kinds of symptoms from a broken heart and anxiety over being separated to my husband.

I am not going to put the house for sale yet because then all the realty people (who are pushy here) will be on my back. They will also tell me to take down all the things I put up regarding my husband, and I won't do it.
I look from time to time for a house next my niece' house on Long Island, NY, but they are so old and different from my house, and they are on top of each other. I have no one really too close because of all my property.

We, too, must pay a license for a cat or dog, and we have a strict leash law for dogs. I'm glad because when we first came here, there were loose dogs all over, one scratched a brand new car I had.

Today I wrote to my husband; I usually write a letter to him every 4 or 6 days. Today I wrote I was the luckiest girl in the world, because he was such a guy in every way--wonderful. I miss that, I miss him, I hate it, and I don't know what I can do about it--nothing. I cry too. This separation from him is sinking in more now than before. It doesn't get better, at least not for me. I don't think I'll ever really smile (for real smile) again until I die and hopefully be with him again. I can't explain it--I look for him, I miss his phone calls, eating with him, talking to him (when he's watching a good tv show and I used to always interrupt him.) I miss seeing him go to work, come home, change, relax. I miss putting things out for him to snack on, and getting his towel, etc. ready for his shower in the mornings. It's all over. I hate it, I can't cope with it.

I started writing a book, but it's hard to get through it all--it conjures up memories.

To answer your question as to where I will move to. I will stay in New York, but not here. I hate going back to the city--it's crowded, with tons of cars, people pushing, crowded buses, streets, etc., and too noisey for me. We both loved it here, but now this place is not a home without Hugo.

I will take the long trip to the cemetery on Friday to check out his garden we put in 3 weeks ago. I hope it's OK. I'll go by bus, train, and then another bus and then walk through the cemetery, then head back and do it, just going in the opposite direction back home. It's a 6 hour plus round trip. I take a 4:30 a.m. bus out of here. I usually don't sleep the night before for fear of not waking up on time--3:30 a.m. to get ready.

Take care, and don't forget, if Zoloft bothers you, let the doctor know. I wish we were on another site talking about clothes, shoes, anything but this sorrow.

Love, Liz

Apr 24, 2013
Liz, Jenny Rhonda
by: Nirmala

Zoloft or whatever pill scares me, my husband used to take naproxen, but that led to blood in stool, so he panicked and quit that but again that was the downfall. If I had known I would have done things to help but again he was the doctor, so there was nothing I could tell him that he did not know. He was a perfect doctor to everybody but himself. He started taking a tiny amount of Xanax and that might have contributed in the end. Poor thing did not realize, I did not check till after the fact. Although I did ask him repeatedly what are you taking you look like a zombie and that is when he told he was not doing anything drastic and I was his best friend, otherwise I was on a mission to make sure he was ok, but his partners killed him with the stupid inefficient relatives. Today they are walking around like nothing is wrong, I hate them all. I hope their god Allah makes sure there will be justice. As far as I am concerned I was born a Hindu now I know there is no god or there would not be such injustice in this world. I have never harmed anybody why should I be suffering every step of the way. But I will pick myself up, make sure everything my husband worked for will not be be in vain.

Apr 23, 2013
Wednesday 1pm
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I read your info on Zoloft, much the same as I had heard, I am already on 50mg of a night, but they are suggesting 150mg. Sometimes I do feel fuzzy headed but I don't know if is stress, lack of sleep, or the Zoloft. I am doubtful about it all but like you I hate taking meds like that. I have been taking a good vitamin pill though because I'm a lousy eater.

Your taxes sound so high, I thought we were the most overtaxed country in the world, we pay either tax or have a licence for everything. We even pay for a licence for a cat and dog.

I'm still undecided about my house, it's still on hold, every couple of days the real estate agent calls in, he's ok, he's not pushy. Would you move locally or to some other state.? These decisions we may have to make is so difficult to deal with.

Today I'm still in bed, I know it's not good, but I don't care, I am trying my best to try not to cry all the time. I'm so lonely and depressed.

Dear Rhonda, there isn't a time limit on grief, ken died over three years ago and I still can't deal with it, guess we all deal with it in our own way. You said that you had a son, how old is he? Hope things get a bit better for you.

Dear nirmala, how are you? I hope you are ok, are your children in college? I guess by their ages they still are, it's a long struggle getting them through these days, so expensive.
Wondering how things are going with you mum, hope things have settled down a bit for you.

Hopefully I will write again later tonight, love to all jenny.

Apr 23, 2013
To Jenny: april 23, 2013 Tuesday ll:18 a.m.
by: Liz

Dear Jenny, I just read your messages to me, Nirmala and Rhonda--whom I feel sorry for too.

Many of my friends have taken zoloft--I was going to get on it but my friend said it will keep me up at night, and I'm up enough as it is. I heard it's good, but all of them are the same--side effects, and when you try to get off, the withdrawal is horrid. In my entire life until all of this, I never took anything like it, but now I take Klonopin--I get about 3 hours of sleep with it, but during the day I take 1/2 and some days I think it creates problems with my headbeing foggy or fuzzy.

I'm told that the natural way, with counseling will work better; but who and what will break my broken heart and sad, sorry, lonely being, and my mixed up, worried head--NO ONE, NOTHING.

Some doctors love to prescribe xanax--I had it, and I hated it. I'll stick to Klonopin, but I want to get off all of it, and just feel right.
The anxiety can cause about hundreds of symptoms, and I sware there are days I have about 10 or 20 things going on in my body that scare me.

I hadto go to the bank, and get some money to take my trip by bus to the cemetery on Friday, the first sunny day we will get this week. I hope my husband's garden is OK, and still looks nice as when we put it in 2 weeks ago.

I spoke with my friend who works in the bank, and as usual, I cried and had to leave a mess. People see me in the street, and they stare at me and my tear-filled eyes.

I will sell my house (hate to) in a year or two--I'd stay, but I told you about the taxes and upkeep--too much. I hate to leave it because Hugo put a lot into this place, and he wanted both of us to pack it up and leave together. Now, I can't think about it, but it's too big and impractical for me.

Nirmal writes to me here and on e-mail, which I will not post on here. She posted hers, and I remembered, so I found it and wrote to her, but I would not want anyone else but you andher having it, so I kept it off this site.

Well, it is almost around 3 a.m. Wednesday for you already. Hope you're sleeping now.

Love, sharing, caring, hurting for you and me and Nirmala and all of us. Liza (Lisa)

Apr 23, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

I don't know how long this is going to take. There's no time limit to grief. I thought I had a good support system but I don't. My mom and dad loved my husband but they don't understand. I don't feel like doing anything and my mom asked me if I would like to go to a christian bookstore. She had to say this " Do you want to go with us or stay and mope"? I couldn't believe it. My mom always seemed to have compassion for people's pain, then to ask that of me.I'm her daughter too. It was like a slap in the face. It's not like my husband left me and we're getting a divorce. He's gone forever, buried 6 feet under. I'll never receive text messages or phone calls from him. Never lay beside him feeling secure again.So, I feel alone and totally lost in this world. Unless a person goes through this, I don't think they have a right to judge any of us. People keep telling me just to keep busy which I'm sick of hearing. If I manage to go to the store I feel like a zombie. I used to enjoy shopping but now it's the hardest thing for me to do.Everything's really hard, I just want to give up.

Apr 23, 2013
Liz nirmala rhonda
by: Jenny

Dear liz nirmalaf & Rhonda, it's 5.30 pm Tuesday and my friends have just left for home, and as usual kacey and I went to my room and I just sobbed, in a way it was a release I could feel waves of depression going over me but I had to pretend I was doing ok. Liz your property sounds so big, thankfully I only have a small back and front garden , mostly shrubs and grass, but like you I will have to hire someone to mow it for me. Are you considering moving from there?

I hate mornings too, ken was always up first and always got our breakfast, now I can't even eat breakfast, it makes me physically ill.

I have spoken to a clinical nurse and because of this lousy depression I am seeing a dr regarding an anti depressant, have you heard of Zoloft, they say that it's pretty good, but I don't want to be like a zombie.

Dear liz I wish I knew the answers for us all but honestly I don't think there is one.

Dear nirmala, I will write that email soon, hopefully tomorrow and then if you are in contact with liz would you forward my email address to her. I hope you and your children are ok, and things are improving at least a little.

Dear Rhonda, we all feel so sorry for you, your hubby's problem is also an illness, so never blame yourself, it's so sad.i hope you stay in contact with us, maybe in some small way we can help and support each other.
Love to all jenny

Apr 22, 2013
To Nirmala - Mondy, 4/21.13
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala, Just read your long post to me, Jenny and Rhonda.

I am isolated too; a couple from behind me drops by if they see me in my driveway; other than that I see no one. I hope you rent the cottage or at least get a caretaker for the basement and he can do a lot for you. I'm in the same mess; my husband did a lot of work, now I hired someone who came across honest and said he'd call with a price on something, and never called back yet.
Liars.

I have a security system--my husband had that built into this house 25 years ago when it was built for us, but I upgraded it 6 months ago.

My property will never look as beautiful as it did when he was living. That upsets me.

I, too, came from a strict family, where the girls stayed with their parents until they were married, no one lived on their own. Now girls move out when they are 18, with friends, or even with boyfriends. My husband, if we had had kids, would not have allowed that. If we had had a daughter, she would not be allowed to move in with a guy.

So, I was never, ever alone, Now I am, and I regret not having any children and I would even have grandchildren by now. The days are so long.

I go out, don't look at anyone, do my shopping for food, etc., and go home. I hate that expression that we only get what we can handle--well, I can't handle my husband being gone, so I don't get that expression at all. Life is horrible now, very horrible, and, yes, people are mean; they don't give a damn until it happens to them. I never thought it would happen to me. My husband had good health, was very conservative, ate well, didn't smoke, drink, or anything. Then, he gets that bad illness out of nowhere.
I am angry too, and will be for a long time--he was taken away from me too soon, and it's unfair.

I wrote you an e-mail. I hope you don't get sick of hearing from me. If so, let me know, and I'll only write on this page.

I pray your husband is totally at peace, and that he realizes how much burden you feel which I know he feels sorry for you. Remember, he loves you.

Love, Liz

Apr 22, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

I think I feel much worse than I did when I heard the bad news. I'm very scared. I have to be there for my son but it's hard every single day for me.I don't know what to do.Everyday, I get this sick lonely feeling that won't go away. I don't know who to turn to for help so I pretty much feel alone. If anyone has any suggestions for me please HELP!! I miss my husband so much and I want this ache I'm feeling to go away

Apr 22, 2013
Anonymous
by: Nirmala

I know how you are feeling, I know a thing or two about addiction, my husband was addicted too, in the end he was able to quit alcohol, but could not stay away from it because of the trouble he had to face from his partners, my son thinks he could never quit, but I saw it in his eyes, he took measures to give it up and he did for a while unfortunately he was too much of a perfectionist, did not want anybody pointing fingers at him as far his medical license was concerned.
Email me at nbhattacharya@yahoo.com

Apr 22, 2013
To: Jenny (I sent you 2 posts today)
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I hope you have seen my previous post that I wrote on Monday morning. This is my 2nd one because I'm having a very bad morning. It is hitting me hard today that my husband is gone, I'm alone to face everything that we faced together. I feel so depressed, it's getting worse. I don't think this pain in my heart will ever go away. I keep reading or hearing, "It will ease, and get better." Maybe I'm different from everyone, but it's getting worse each day.
I miss him, and I feel so alone against the world.
Love, Liz

Apr 22, 2013
To: Jenny/Monday morning, 4/22
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I'm up at 4:30 a.m., Monday, but it's around 8:30pm in the evening for you.

I know how hard it was to see your friends; and I cry whenever I even talk on the phone to people who call and I discuss my husband. I too feel I am losing it a lot especially that I don't know what my day will be like. I hate mornings when I get up, realize he's gone, and deal with it badly. Then I think how will my stomach, etc. be all day. I suffer so much.

I have a lot to do tomorrow--like get gift cards for my niece and nephew for their birthdays and mail them. I don't go to the mall to shop, so I have to send them cards. Then, for my friend, I have to do the same. Little things are hard for me to do.

I also will wait for a call from my lawyer for an appointment. I'm scared to go because I never really went to his new office, and I am afraid I will get mixed up and go into the wrong lane, and get hit by another car. I hate driving and changing lanes where I don't know where I am going. I'll have to just stay calm, and if I miss the turn, just go straight and backtrack.

I hate the deer: because of them we can't have flowers, also we have to put up fencing that costs a lot and takes time--it goes up in October and comes down in May. My husband did it, now I depend on others to do it. If there's no fencing around our shrubs, the deer would eat every shrub and tree, especially if it snows and there is no grass to eat--our land would be destroyed. My husband constantly worried about that every year and he literally worked so hard to put up that fencing.

If it were not for all the property to spend money on now that he can't do the work, and the huge taxes, I'd stay, but I must face facts that I will have to leave here by next year.

you were smart to downsize; we were going to, then he got sick. I'm sorry you didn't get to live out your dreams just like the two of us.
Nothing. I can't even think about it all, it is a tragedy.

I will write later or tomorrow.
Love, Liz (by the way, people call me Liz, Lee, but my real name is Elisa (after my grandma, Elisabetha). My husband called me Lisa or Babe.
You can call me Lisa if you wish.

Apr 21, 2013
Liz, Jenny and Rhonda
by: Nirmala

We are all part of this club we don't want to be part of. Life is just horrible for us with the thoughts if only this or that had happened we would not be in this mess. Don't you all hate the statement God knows what he is doing and he does not give you what you cannot deal with. I just hate this unjust world, if you are a mean person doing all the wrong things you could thrive in this world.
Having the dogs is working out very good for me, we live on this hill I can hardly see any neighbors, I have not made any friends here. My brother's family lives close by but this weekend they did not want to see us. It is quite dark and isolated out here. I had the electrician put in some motion detector lights. I have decided stay in this house at least for the next few years. I have not had any luck renting out my cottage, I am also hoping I can give the basement for a caretaker so that I can get some help with the property. I do not have a lawn care guy, hopefully I don't get into trouble with the village people for that. It is scary to be the only adult in the house. Coming from an Indian family I was never on my own at least for our generation girls usually stay with the parents till marriage and so I never lived on my own. Now once the kids leave I will be all alone. I used to argue with my husband that men did not have to do anything different after getting married, they don't change their names or home. Wheras the girls have to change their names, now it feels strange, once you lose your husband you are not even considered married.

Apr 21, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, so good to read your posts, guess we must just trust each other when the site is a bit slow, I think none of us would deliberately lose contact. It's 4.15am Monday morning here and I am writing this while my friends are sleeping. As usual I started crying when I saw them, I felt like an idiot, but the tears just flowed.
Liz, it's so good that you have deers on your property, I love animals, but I was wondering if they are a nuisance, your property sounds big. My house is on a small suburban block, we had a large house, but downsized when ken retired, we moved here thinking it would be the fun time of our lives, down near the beach, which we both loved, but I think we changed our luck because everything went wrong.
It's so hard liz, I just wish things would get better for us, I know I'm suffering major depression, my friends have arranged for me to see someone about it, at times I'm frightened I will go crazy, like you I cry uncontrobably.
Dear nirmala, I said I would email you and I will as soon as my friends leave here. It's a bit hard at present. I hope things are going at least a little better for you. Hope you and your children are managing ok.
Dear Rhonda, my heart goes out to you too, hope you keep in contact with us, we know how you feel and understand, liz & nirmala are lovely caring ladies even through their own grief, I get some comfort having contact with them, because they truly understand.
Love to you all. Jenny

Apr 21, 2013
To: Jenny, saw your posts finally
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Was so glad to see your posts from 4/20/13. No, we did not think you forgot about us, we were just worried. I'm worried because I know what is going through my mind: I often think of not going on. I think about many things because I miss my husband too damn much, and it hurts together with not feeling well.

I'm glad Ken's friends are coming for a few days.
I hope they can comfort you a little. I know with me, no matter who I am with or talking on the phone with, my mind are always with my husband, and it will be that way forever.

It's around 7 Monday morning for you, and about 2 Sunday afternoon for me here in US. Boy, I have to get used to the time difference. And you are going into Winter, we are approaching Spring and Summer. Our Christmas is snowy, while your Christmas season is probably still warm enough just to wear a light jacket. How different.
We are so far apart, yet, now so close in our sorrow and what we share. I wish we had met on another web about something else and we were writing about our husbands working outside, or something. No, it's this lousy site for us who cry, miss them, and don't know what to do.

My anxiety is getting to me, with weird feelings in my head, etc. I'm so alone and scared without him. I must go to my lawyer and get things done that I have put off. It's me alone, and I must do what I have to do, but I hate lawyers.

So, I hope you are having a good two days. I'm glad you and I were able to read each other's posts; I am lost without writing to you and Nirmala. The days are long, lonely, and miserable.
Why can't they come back to us?

Love, Liz

Apr 21, 2013
My husband
by: Anonymous

Thanks Liz! My mom keeps telling me to stay busy but she doesn't know how bad I feel. Everywhere I look reminds me of my husband. Even when he was in Hospice I still had hope. All I feel is empty and don't feel that I'll ever get better. That scares me a great deal.I hate being in the house we once shared together. I have to come here and have to force myself to come back.I miss him so much and wish I could have said more things to him when he was alive.I have so many regrets and feel guilty because maybe I could have done something to help him through his addiction though I don't know what that could have been. I do get angry though. It seemed that he loved the alcohol more than he loved me or my son. Sometimes I want to die because I feel that's the only way out of my pain

Apr 20, 2013
To: Rhonda (My Husband) post
by: Liz

Dear Rhonda,

I am so sorry that you have now joined us who don't want to be here writing on this kind of web site because we are in so much pain about the death of our husbands that we cannot believe or deal with.

I'm sorry about the circumstances of your dear husband's death. You have our support, our hearts, etc. Write on here when you want to, we are here for each other. If you read the previous messages, you will know the pain we have gone through. For me, Liz, I am just sick, sad, depressed, and do not know what to do.

Take care, and don't forget, I care even though I am really very sad myself, I can still write to you.

Love, Liz

Apr 20, 2013
To: Jenny: so worried about you
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Finally, we saw your posts. Nirmala & I were worried; I didn't see any writing from you for 3 or 4 days. I got so worried. Didn't you see my posts that we didn't forget about you, but our posts didn't appear either. I wrote to the administrator, something may have been wrong with this site. Thank God, I saw your new post that you went to the Plaza with a friend. I can't go anywhere without crying.
The guy who came gave me some good prices--but he didn't start yet, and he will start next week, but it's supposed to rain. I am waiting for my nephew and my nieces son to take down the deer fencing. Every year my husband put it up for 23 years, but when he got sick, they took it over for him. He called from the hospital the first time and supervised it over the phone. The 2nd time, he was gone already, and they did an OK job, but sloppy.

I stayed in for 3 days--now I have this nervous thing--where it affects me like pressure on both sides of my neck--not pain, but pressure. This grief will kill me in the end.

It makes sense to me because I don't want to see anyone; they are happy, together, and don't have a clue why I have tears in my eyes.

Yes, our husbands were perfect in what they did. I am a pretty tidy and good house cleaner, but he was too--he was always cleaning up even when he was sick. I cry when I think of that.

I hope we can read your reply soon. Take care.
By the way, I didn't see Nirmala's posts either, so I wrote to her email address, and now we write back and forth.

Love, Liz

Apr 20, 2013
Liz& nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, at last I have received your posts, I have been so worried, nothing was appearing from anyone, mine included. It's 4.30am here Sunday morning and at last I have read them all. I'm so relieved. Please don't ever think I would purposely lose contact with you. Today I have a couple of friends coming for two days, we have been friends for years, ken and he worked together , he was kens best friend. It's the first time the have stayed since ken died.
I actually told them that I was lousy company at present and we may be better off postponing , but they thought some company would be good for me, they are a caring couple maybe they are right.

I send you my love and I will write again tonight, I will never forget you, I was so upset at not seeing your posts, that's why I checked at this time, hopefully I can get some sleep now. Jenny'

Apr 20, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz and nirmala, I hope this post is seen by you , I wrote to you both two days ago nirmala I am going to look back see if I can find your email address. Love to you both jenny

Apr 19, 2013
To Jenny, again.....
by: Liz again

Dear Jenny,

We have forgotten about you, but we think this web site is down, or something. I must have written you about 3 or 4 messages, with no answer. I don't even see my messages thatI wrote to you and Nirmala. I got in touch with her by scrolling down from months ago, when she let you know her e-mail address.

Hope this web site gets fixed so we can write. If not, please write to Nirmala to let her know you're OK, and she will write to me.

Love, Liz

Apr 19, 2013
My husband
by: Rhonda

My husband passed away March 15 and today I feel just as bad, if not worse, since the day it happened. I don't enjoy life and wish that I could die as well. The pain is too much to handle. We have a 13 year old son together so I have to go on. My family's being pretty supportive but they're not helping me in any way. They don't know how I feel. My mom thinks if I just keep busy it will help. I've tried that but it really doesn't.To let everyone know what happened. My husband was 40 and had Alcoholic Cirrhosis. We had a lot of problems because of his addiction. 3 years ago his family and mine had an intervention for him. It didn't work. If it did he would probably be here today. I'm mad at the selfishness of this too. For me, getting up in the morning and facing the day is a chore.

Apr 18, 2013
Jenny, Australia: are you OK?
by: Liz

Jenny,

Wrote 3 times; have not seen a post from you for 3 days??? Are you OK? Liz

Apr 18, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

This is becoming a habit with me, writing to you while I'm in bed, I seem to be spending more time in my room. I managed to survive going to the plaza with a girlfriend today without crying, I told myself this is my life now and nothing on earth will help, so came to the conclusion that I have to cope and calm down, I'm starting to think that I would rather be alone than try and act happy when I'm with others, does that make sense to you?



Dear liz, I hope you manage to get the work done around your house properly, guess we had our husbands on high pedestals, ken was a perfectionist, I always told him he was a better homemaker than me. I'm not the tidiest person, but they say opposites attract don't they.

It is starting to get much cooler here now we have finished summer, and it's autumn now and heading for winter and I really dislike it.

Dear nirmala, I hope things are starting to feel a little better for you, you have a lot to put up with. I think life will never be as content as it was, life is strange we lose the love of our lives and others divorce early in their marriage, doesn't make sense.

I enjoy reading your posts we are kindred spirits, we truly understand each other, where others don't, maybe in some small way we do help one another.

Love jenny

Apr 18, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Thankfully I have been sleeping decently, I guess I am so exhausted I just fall asleep. I need to take care of so many things, today I have to meet a contractor at my other house to get rid of my violations. The city has gone crazy issuing tickets for everything, like I needed more headache at this point in my life. My husband never asked me for help, hw took care of all these issues by himself, but luckily he did tell me what was happening, so I have been able to take over. I am supposed to be this strong person capable of doing everything that is why he left me. I wish I was very weak probably then I would not be alone
Jenny I am happy Kacey helps you, you have to see mine, my chocolate lab particularly is very close, he follows me around the house all the time, he sleeps in my room also along with my daughter. The only reason he does not get on my bed is because it seems to be too high for him, Rocky is a 5 year old big guy. My other one is a golden retriever. Lucky is a 6 years old and she still chews up all my pillows. I am already scared thinking about when they get sick and die, hopefully by then I will be working and I will not be so paranoid about my finances and everything else. What a life, unfortunately I don't have too many people calling me and supporting me

Apr 17, 2013
Barbara R., Modesto, CA
by: Liz

Dear Barbara,

I wrote to you before; I'm checking in again.
I know your pain, and the words you wrote broke my heart that is already broken by my husband's death. Yes, you will always be his girl and he'll always be your guy. It is a miserable, tragedy what we have gone through. My husband had pancreatic/liver cancer suddenly, with no warning, and was told he had 2 weeks to live.
He lasted 10 months, but in pain (I too gave him pain killers which he hated to take.) It is very sad to watch our guys go through it all; their bodies become so different, and their dignity is taken away if you know what I mean. I hate that c word, and I hate everything, even the medications, his doctors, etc.

My friend's husband had the same thing as your husband, and the exact same scenarios: taken off chemo, lucid, then downhill, and he also had 2 bouts with pneumonia. He died after 5 months of pain and agony.

Why? Why this sorrow for you and me and so many people, young, not so old, old, and in between. Some survive cancer, others don't. When it's detected early, there is some hope, but we had none from the beginning because it was Stage 4 from the start.

I pray for you; I hurt for you.

Love, Liz

Apr 17, 2013
Jenny:I left you 2 messages-4/17/2013...
by: Liz

Jenny, I left a long message for you, and I'm adding this one as a P.S. to the last message I sent: now I know: Australia is 14 hours ahead of us in time. So, you are already into Thursday, 4:40 a.m. Wow! Liz

Apr 17, 2013
To Jenny
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

It's odd, I know the time difference is unbelievable between US and Australia; also the weather--is it warm or cold now?

Seems as though Ken had the same problems as my husband, Hugo. He had gone in for a disc bulge surgery, and we both thought it would be like the other one 5 years prior, but no. He came home, expected to go back to work until he started to get this distended stomach from the bottom up to his chest. That's when I called the local dr., and the rest is miserable history: pancreatic cancer with mets to liver, just like that. Why didn't the surgeon who operated on his spine see anything unusual--the pancreas hits the part of the spine they operated on. Well, nothing will bring him back, so I can't dwell on the what ifs and the whys.

Kacey sounds so cute. We had a shephard--too big for me; but when I was a kid I had a black french poodle (Gigi). She was so loving, and spoiled. We had to put her to sleep at age 13. That's why I won't get another dog because Jason, the shephard had to be put to sleep at 13 also.

I had to spend an hour with a lawn guy whose prices are better than the guy I use now -- who, by the way, is sloppy. So, we went over the property, and all along I was saying to myself: I can't believe my husband is gone and can't do this any more. I started to cry in front of him.
I don't like to cry in front of guys, they can't take it, but he was OK.

I may start doing my shopping on-line because I can't stand the oldies music in the supermarket--it makes me cry. We loved the oldies.

I'm not selling this place until I'm ready, even though I am far from the cemetery, my husband loved and took gentle care of our house. I can't for now.

Hope you find some peaceful sleep soon. I only sleep 3 hours a night.
Love to you and Kacey - boy! Liz

Apr 17, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, it's midnight here and although I'm in bed it will be another sleepless night, I know you both have nights like this. Kacey sleeps with me, by the way liz, kacey is a little boy, but most people think he is a girl, he's a very pretty little thing, I think I told you he is a little toy poodle, he's white and weighs only 4kg. He was really kens little buddy, ken always said he had never had a dog that loved him like kacey did,.
Liz at least you do sum up the courage to go out and shop, I do my shopping online from the local supermarket and pay my bills all online too. Tomorrow a girlfriend has asked me go and have coffee at the local plaza, last time I tried to do this I sat there crying, I was remembering all the times ken and I sat there having coffee and donuts, so many memories here, sometimes I think I should move, but then I think I would leave the state ken is at if I moved interstate, I don't like that idea.

Ken had a bad back too, he had a collapsed disc, it gave him a lot of pain, he had that for years, when he first went to hospital I think they thought that he had lung problems and drained his lungs. One thing I did notice with him that his stomach had become quite distended.. They didn't diagnose him until about 10days before he died. I think they didn't have a clue.

I agree liz, would be nice if we lived near each other, at least we could support and help one another, because the three of us know exactly how we feel and think, we know we all understand the overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness.

Dear nirmala, you sound like you really need some alone time to grieve the way you want to, it is hard to see other people leading their lives so normally, something we once had and now it's gone. I even get hurt when I see other couples together and I think that should be ken and I. What did we do wrong to deserve this. You are lucky to have your children at home with you, they still need you.

Goodnight to you both, love jenny

Apr 17, 2013
My sweet husband.
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Barbara,
How are you doing? Crazy question, really. You lost your husband, how would you be feeling? You feel like your heart has been ripped out and you feel in-complete.
My husband will be gone 22 months, the 27th. We were married for 46 years, his death being the day after our anniversary. I still feel in-complete and lost without him. I still am crying on the inside and always will. Life does go on, but for us it is forever changed. I still kiss Red's picture every morning and night and I still talk to him.
Another man in my life; don't think so. I don't miss another man, I miss Red. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine, the love of my life.
I hope you have a support system, we really need that. Only one who has loved and lost a spouse can really understand what we are feeling and going through.
This is not an easy journey. Be good to yourself and don't feel guilty about laughing and enjoying life again. No, it will never be the same. I am finding that out everyday. My life has changed forever.
I would not choose this life, but this is the life God has given. There is a reason. I have done alot of things, I would never do if Red was still here, but he isn't here and keeping busy helps me.
Take Care and God Bless. One Day At A Time! Often faking it until we make it.

Apr 17, 2013
For Jenny: April 17, Wednesday
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Maybe you are having trouble posting. Nirmala and I haven't seen a post from you.

Another day, and I feel lost because I lost the greatest person in my life; other than my parents who are gone, he was the greatest person in my life ever. He is gone, so I have no one to count on, really, I do not count on anyone in my family--they could never have his heart and soul. I can't get him back, he is lost, and I can't find him. I will forever be depressed that he died at 64 and not 84 or 94 with me.

Sometimes, my friends think I'm OK., No,I am not OK, and this house is too empty without him. I ask myself how long I can live without him. I keep hearing, "Have faith." What is that?
I tried to have faith andprayed for a miracle to get rid of his cancer; and it didn't happen.
I keepthinking a miracle will happen and hewill come home. NO, my life is over without him, Over.

I hope you're OK; I know your heart hurts, but I hope physically you are all right.

Love, Liz

Apr 17, 2013
Nirmala: April 17, 2013
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I get your posts a day later. I'm up early as usual. Every morning I ask my husband why he doesn't come to me in my sleep. It hurts a lot.

I'm sure you cook very good. I don't watch much TV--I used to watching cooking years ago, but no more--who have I to cook for>just myself.
I lost my husband; I feel like I lost something so precious and can't find him. I cannot and do not want to believe he is gone.

I could not stand anyone in my house laughing -- because I am a serious person. I do not know what to say about your problems with your Mom because I had a different, loving relationship with my Mom. I traveled 3 hours to her house every week-2 times a week, to look after her care--she had 2 woman-home care in her house, but I was there to supervise them, take care of the house, bills, and make sure my Mother was taken care the best way. She lived to 97, but it was sad--she had demential/alzheimer's and did not know me for many years. My love for her made me devoted and very committed.

Dont be angry with your husband; he didn't want to leave you.

I haven't seen a post for Jenny; she said she has trouble sometimes with this posting site.

Well, today I have to interview a man to take care of the property which My Husband did quite well, now I must pay a jerk to do work for me that will be sloppy, not neat like my husband did.

I lost him; I should have tried to keep him alive, but I could not fight that lousy cancer he had--a very bad one from the beginning to the end.
I hope my husband knows I tried, with love.

Stay calm. Maybe your brother can send your Mom away on a trip for a while.

Liz

Apr 16, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Hi Ladies,
My mom thinks she is very helpful, I learnt some of the cooking from her when I was very young. She would not stay home even then, so my immediate sister and I had to cook and clean regularly. She is still the same, I do not care much for her cooking, I love to cook and I guess I am pretty good at it, of course the kids like my cooking. My mom cooks her own rice, she thinks mine is not soft enough for her and she makes her own flat bread, she is very particular. I can eat whatever is there, for my mom every few hours she needs something else, I feel if she is living here at least remember my husband just died, food is not so important, she starts laughing even while reading a book, very insensitive and self centered. I can look at a persons face and know that there are upset. I am also getting scared my brother is not doing his part, they all are taking me for granted, she offered me money but I would rather not take it, then she will never leave. I will take on the role of her mother, her mother lived till past 100 and her youngest daughter got stuck taking care of her. I would rather not do the same. But right now I really want to grieve I want to be able to look at my husband's picture and shout at him, for leaving me here alone to take care of the kids, dogs and two houses.
My friend lives in Boston and her daughter works minutes away from the blast, she is ok. I cannot still watch the news, for that matter I do not watch any regular programming. I watch food tv, hgtv and a couple of Indian channels. But of course the worst has already happened so what is the big deal.

Apr 16, 2013
To: Jenny
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I went out early to the supermarket to avoid too many people who can see tears in my eyes. I cry driving there, in there, and driving home.

I know that pancreatic cancer is usually diagnosed in its late stage, and it makes me angry that they don't know how to catch it early like other cancers. I should not blame myself, and my husband wouldn't like it. But, I do because I should have demanded that we at least could have known when he had his back surgery; he was complaining about his stomach feeling twisted, and they would not do the tests. I had them done by our local g.i. specialist when I couldn't take it any more.

Crying--I will cry the rest of my life. I always see my friend, the manager at our local ShopRite supermarket, and she understands me. She now, just found out she has a tumor in her brain--she's waiting results. I pray it's benign.

If you didn't live in Australia, so far, we could get together at least once a month. Hugo (that's my husband's name--different--I used to call him Babe, or just before he died for some reason I called him Huggie. He wondered why.

I wander around my house, talking to him, reminding him to ask God to let him come back. I tell him when I get home if I go out for food, etc., and I often stare at his photo on my homepage.

We know one thing for certain: our lives will never be the same; I don't care if a billionaire, with the best looks in the world would want to go out with me(doubt it--I'm all drawn in my face from this sadness), but I WOULD NEVER GO WITH ANYONE ELSE. They would never have my love from my heart, and they would try and try, but my love is only for my husband.

Kacey is good company; she feels your pain, and she understands. (Oh, is the dog a she or a he?) Sorry if I got the gender wrong.

So, now the big deal is to make lunch, then something for tonight, and then bedtime, crying time, talking to him and to God, and begging time: to God to take me and send Hugo home where he was cheated out of what he loved and lived for--me and his home.

Take care; I love writing to you. You are kind, and you deserved Ken.

Love, Liz

Apr 16, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, I read your posts and I realise we must be oh so normal in the way we feel and say , the things you say and the way you describe different things about your husbands , they are so alike they were all such loving, caring, honest men. Ken and I met when we were in our teens and it was a case of love at first sight. Dear liz you have to stop blaming yourself all the time, as you know ken also had pancreatic cancer and there is absolutely nothing you or I could do about it, so please do stop thinking about what you could have done because really there was nothing.


Pancreatic cancer is becoming so common, you have to wonder what is the cause. I think I told you that it claimed my father several years ago too. The little poodle dog we had before kacey also died of it and it broke our hearts when we had to have her put to sleep.

Dear nirmala, I really hope you are able to grieve the way you want to, don't get so angry, we are all so stressed and we all probably know somehow we have to learn to cope. Easy to say I know and not easy to do. I think liz and I are terribly lonely, sometimes I don't hear another human voice, so I talk to kacey all the time, guess that's why he's so smart.
I was thinking today that I have been crying for over three years now, ken would not like that, it doesn't help, it gets me nowhere, just usually end up with a bad headache. I spend a lot of time in bed, because I'm not interested in anything. Is it ever going to get better? People who have not lost their spouse just don't understand, they just look at you like you are weird and the attitude as if they are thinking shouldn't you be over it. Well I'm starting to think I never will be, but can any of us learn to live with it. Love to you both jenny

Apr 15, 2013
To: Nirmala April 15th 6:21pm
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I just read your recent post about your mom and your troubles. You must calm down, I don't want anything to happen to you. I wish I had my mom and dad here--but they were just plain people who did not care about doing this and that. They would have cried a lot with me, and it seems like you are just getting more upset from her. What do your children say? Does she speak with them about school, etc? Nirmala, you cannot be angry like this because when my husband died, a lot of people made me angry which I did not speak abouthere. I had so much trouble when he first died that I wanted to just die myself. But I never got angry with my husband. Your husband didn't want to leave you like this.

I was left alone after my husband died. Sometimes my own family didn't call for days. I would never do that, never. It hurt me, it almost killed me. Someone in my own family was very mean to me; I spent Thanksgiving alone because I told them I didn't want to celebrate, but I didn't want to be alone. They used what I said as an excuse and on the 1st holiday after my husband died, I WAS ALONE IN MY HOUSE ON THANKSGIVING CRYING, ALONE, NO CALLS, NO ONE, NOTHING. My entire life, I spent holidays with my parents, family, and then my husband and all of us together. Last year, I spent it alone in my pajamas, with a big turkey that I dropped on the kitchen floor, cleaned up the mess, and cried all day. Sometimes family is worse than friends.

Does your mom help you with cooking, cleaning, and money? She should. You have too much on top of you and she has to realize that.

I am sorry for you. We are all miserable. I'm sitting here watching the news about those troubles in Boston. At 8:30 I will go to bed because I have nothing to do, and maybe if I sleep I can forget my misery for a few hours.
I too HATE MY LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS NO LIFE ANY MORE.

Try to keep calm. Maybe she will go home soon.

Liz

Apr 15, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Hi Ladies,
Life is just too much, I was hoping to get some time off from my mother, it is not happening. Nobody understands I want to scream, cry and do my own thing, but no I cannot. I am stuck , in the beginning I was in real shock it was ok if I was not alone, now I am getting paranoid. My mother does not want to leave my place, my house is really big so she gets to do whatever she wants, but of course she was ok with my small house also since it was close to her temple, she is over 70 but acts like she is much younger. My brother is older than me but he still does not want to keep her because she is not a calm person that would help out with his kids. I am doomed if my family thinks I will have a breakdown but again I am doomed since nobody wants to help out. My sister is talking about what others will think if my mother is not with me after I lost my husband, this stupid same society did not give a damn if I had money to feed my kids after my husband died. I hate everything, my husband included he put me in this mess. I lost him and I cannot even grieve.

Apr 15, 2013
To Jenny: April 15th, 2013
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I'm glad you went to your son's. I'm sure you're tired and maybe tonight you will get some peaceful sleep with dreams of your husband.

I went to the cemetery with my 2 friends: 1 of them is good at gardening, so she helped me put in a garden at my husband's resting place (I try to call it that now, and not grave.) She did a beautiful job. We put in a border of about 9-10 inches, then the fabric cover to keep out weeds, then she planted dark purple and also yellow pansies which will spread. Then I placed an angel in the front of the garden. Then we covered it all with red mulch, and we watered it good. I hope it rains each week until I get back or else it will dry up. I HATED TO VISIT HIM THERE, AND DO THIS GARDEN; HE AND I USED TO DRIVE THERE TO TEND TO MY PARENTS' PLACES IN THE CEMETERY, NOW I GO THERE WITHOUT HIM TO VISIT HIM.
SOMETIMES I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS GONE.

We are hurting so badly because our husbands were our lives. (We had no children, so it was just he and I against the world, stress, etc.) We were one person really, and now I feel like a big part of my heart, body, soul is missing forever.

I have some news that may give you some faith, because my faith is broken,too: I decided to wash my car in my driveway. My neighbors stopped by. I never knew this story. My neighbor Amy told me that she went to Heaven and came back: when she was 11 she drown in the ocean and she recalls a peaceful feeling after her initial panic when she realized she was drowning and would die. Then she saw people engulfed in a bright light--she didn't know them, they were not relatives who had passed. I told her they were "guides" or angels. They said to her, "Go back, it is not your time to be here." She never told this story to her husband--for 20 years--they are married 42 years. She doesn't tell it, but I had told them yesterday that I am struggling with missing my husband and about his afterlife--where is he, etc. That's when she told me, and she firmly believes he is there, and he is with me knowing and feeling what I feel.
I hope I can truly believe that some day.

I keep thinking God took him from me as a punishment, but God isn't like that. Every day, I ask, "why is he dead?" I just can't stand it.

We are strong women, but we are sensitive, and regarding my husband's death, we really were hit with his diagnosis out of the blue. With what he had, there was no miracle for him, it was too lethal. I lost him, and that is it. I will never know why until I die and maybe get answers from God.
But, I blame myself for not getting other tests done after his back surgery. I begged them, but they said there was no reason to. I hate that hospital.

gLAD YOU PUt the sale of your house on hold. I keep getting told to sell mine, the taxes are too high, but the thought of packing up or giving away even one item of ours and of his kills me.

Stay well. Love, Liz

Apr 15, 2013
To liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, I have just arrived back home from interstate with my son, I have put my house on hold for present because I am not sure what to do. Reading your posts from over the last couple of days I feel that none of us seem to be getting any better handling this overwhelming grief. Surely there is some answer somewhere by someone. I think we aren't particularly weak women normally, we just have nevefaced this ordeal before and we are all so shattered by it. Our love for our precious husbands is so strong.
I have decided to try and change my ways, at least try and eat sensibly again and start walking kacey again,maybe it will help, I've tried everything else. So who knows maybe it will have a good effect on my brain.
Dear liz, I hope health wise with your stomach problems you are getting some relief.
Nirmala enjoy your. Time with your children you can all support each other, I'm sure they will always be there for you.
By the way I was having trouble with my posts they weren't appearing, I wouldn't just leave without telling you both.
I'm tired from all the travelling so hopefully I can sleep tonight.
Love to you both.

Apr 13, 2013
To: Nirmala: I understand..2nd continuation
by: Liz

April 13th continued to Nirmala,

I ran out of space before, so I continue...

No one understands that it's hard to think of that some day I will have to make up my mind about all my husband's things, all my furniture, everything we accumulated in 44 years of marriage, from our first apartments, to our lst house and then this house we had built for us--our dream home. We really have a lot, and we never enjoyed it fully--he worked all the time, only taking 2 weeks a year off--sometimes we went away, sometimes he preferred to stay home and fix the outside--always projects to do, big projects. He even built a patio, 2 trellises, fences, by himself, with some of my help.
What do I do with it. I only live in 3 rooms now: the kitchen, my bedroom, and the computer room. The rest is like an empty museum. I don't go into his tv room where he had a big tv, and a lot of stereo equipment--he loved electronics.
What a waste. And I pay taxes for this place; and I have to pay people this spring and summer to do everything for me that my husband did.
That is more anger for me. Alone, like an idiot in this big house. But I can't seem to think about moving, getting rid of anything. He had so much, even a lot of paint, tools, nails, brushes, cutting tools, saws. What do I do? It all reminds me of him.

Where are they? I don't really know. I am told to have faith and to think he watches over me; well, how come I get into little messes all the time?

Well, today I go to the cemetery to visit him and plant flowers. It will be cloudy and cold, but I must do it. It's all I have left.

Nirmala, I have no answers -- I wish for you and me that we could have our husbands back with us.

Love, Liz

Apr 13, 2013
To Nirmala: I understand you, everything...
by: Liz

April 13, 2013

Dear Nirmala,

Everything you wrote on the 12th, I understand. You have been trying to grieve, with your kids, and your mother is there--no space to leave you to crying or screaming or even cursing. Don't you think that I scream to God. Last week, I asked him, "Why did you need my husband when you knew he was worried about leaving me alone, with no kids, partially selfish no-good family, and the other part of the family only go half-way with me. I have had to listen to all the nonsense of them going shopping to Home Goods store, buying for their homes, etc.
When my husband was very ill, my sister first called and asked about him, his chemo, etc., then I had to politely listen to her shopping outings, her neighbors' and junk stuff. I was polite and shut up; instead I should have hung up and stayed with my husband for those 10 minutes on the dumb phone. Now that her husband is sick, recently diagnosed, I call her or she calls me, and I do not mention a damn thing except HIM AND THAT I PRAY FOR HIM, ETC. The other day I made a "mistake" of say I have to take my car to service, and my computer doesn't play sound on You Tube, and she had a fit: She said, I have to worry about my husband. Well, excuse me, when my husband was worse sick she had a voice mail on with happy music, she gossiped about everything.
Now, I'm being so good about only saying positive things. Also for 2 months after my husband passed, she didn't call me for her selfish, foolish reasons. So I understand. About your husband's partners, my husband's co-workers came to his funeral, told me they'd keep in touch with me, etc., NOT ONE PHONE CALL IN 8 1/2 MONTHS!
People don't mean what they say.

Yes, I lost a lot of weight. I must find a better doctor who will go through this entire thin with and not blame my crying. I must find a way because I don't want to do anything with this lousy stomach problem.

It is spring, and usually the 2 of us start discussing what needs to be repaired from winter.
But he is gone. I am angry because he, I know, misses this house, the propety, and me a lot. they say, (whoever they are--the experts who read an interpret the Bible) they say, they are happy in Heaven and don't worry about us or their things on earth. I don't know if I believe it.

This panic, sick feeling of pain and sorrow will never leave me, and I am scared of my ending in this life. If I don't get some kind of strength from God, I am scared I will die of a broken heart, or I will think of how I can end it all.
I do not want to do anything stupid, but I feel alone, useless, and I do not count on anyone in my family--they have let me down too much.
I will continue again, on another post because I am running out of words that they allow--only 3,000.

Love, Liz

Apr 12, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Nobody really understands what we go through when your husband dies in front of your eyes. Both my sisters had a few choice words they think they are helping, but nothing can help unless one has been in our situation. I have not even been able to cry and scream even when I want to I have to watch what I do all the time. My mother was even using my bathroom, I had to stop that, with my children it is different. I really hope she does go to my brother's place this weekend. I feel cornered nobody really helps me except for the negative aspects my mom can't help me, I end up doing more than I need to, having her here. I also resent the fact that she takes care of herself and my husband did not, I do not want to extend my life I would be quite happy to leave this world as soon as the kids can take care of themselves, I hope my husband is waiting for me wherever he is. In Hinduism we believe we stay married for more than one birth, of course now I do not believe in any religion or god, how can there be a god with so many bad things happening.
Liz, I would have lost a lot more weight if I had not started drinking milk with horlicks, since you are lactose intolerant, even that is not possible for you. I do not eat much, summer might be better that is if I do not feel guilty spending money on fruits for myself. What a life, I completely hate it

Apr 12, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Liz, I thought my weight was bad but you are worse, you need to take care of yourself. You do not want to be in more pain tha you are already in. I too absolutely hate my life, I keep thinking the first time my husband met these guys he worked for he had decided against working with them but ended up going back to them after a few years since the other people he worked for cheated him. What an ugly world we live in, he used to constantly mention that nobody will let you come up in life, they hold you back so that one does not become too successful. If only he had opened his own clinic I could have helped him and everything would have been ok. Another dreary day, my daughter is home today so hopefully it will get better. I feel strange nobody in my extended family really understands where we are, I hear them talk about food shopping and other mundane things, I keep wondering if I would have done that if one of my brothers in law had died instead of my husband.

Apr 12, 2013
To: Jenny & Nirmala
by: Liz

Dear Jenny & Nirmala,

I'm sorry Jenny you had trouble posting. I was thinking that you and Nirmala may have decided to stop writing because the sorrow is too much.
Jenny, selling your house was brave; my family about 2 hours away wants me to do it, but what for? They all work, are never home, and really they don't understand all my crying and the things I go through missing him. I had a very, very bad weak, feeling so much pain, sick, and worrying about what to do. My affairs aren't all settled, and I cry so much that my husband worked so hard for this house, for the little money he saved thinking we could use it until we were 80 years old--he had it all planned out; now it will go to people when I die, and I want to die now.
I am at the point that I know it is not right to just leave this house, money, his clothes, all 44 years' worth of stuff to eveyone, but I just don't know how to cope with him missing and not alive any more. Can you understand me?

Nirmala, I'm glad you will have some alone time with your Mom visiting your brother for a few months. I hate being alone here, but then again, I can cry, or eat when I want or go to my bed in the middle of the day. Or do as I wish. I am alone, and I don't know what will become of me.
I feel sick, my stomach gets worse, and the Prilosec I took seemed to make me feel spaced out.
They say anxiety causes a lot of brain fog, pains, funny feelings. My heart is full of anxiety, worry, and I just cannot believe that my husband is dead. He will be angry if I do something bad to die, and so will God. I am caught in living for him, and dying to see him again. It is a mess.

My clothes don't fit--I lost 20-25 pounds, my face is drawn, and I feel weak. I eat only certain things, but even they bother me.
He died, and a died a little each day since he has been gone.

Pancreatic cancer is deadly as Jenny said. Why he got it, I don't know. I hate it, I hate everything. I can't give anything away now, probably never. So I will die with a full house.

I will write later. Today it will rain, I feel like staying in bed.

Love to both of you,
Elisa

Apr 11, 2013
To: Nirmala & Jenny
by: Liz

Ladies, I left messsages 2 days ago for both of you, so I am assuming that you went away. I hope that is the case, and that you are not under the weather.

I'll hope to read some posts soon.
Love, Liz (Very sad & lonely, as every day)

Apr 11, 2013
Liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, I seem to be having trouble with sending and receiving posts, I am wondering if you are having a problem too. Thinking of you, hope you are doing a little better. Love jenny.

Apr 11, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Liz, I hope you are feeling a little better. But for the kids and dogs I am sure I will not be doing this good, I have been trying to pick myself up. I had to go to the library to pick up a book for my son, I felt very strange walking in to the library. I was staring at a shelf for five minutes without recognizing the words, I had luckily called and had them put the book on reserve. The lady must have thought I can't read and I have to take more effort to dress better, clothes have become loose and I had to pin my skirt up so that it would not fall off, I wanted to lose a few pounds four months ago but not at my husband's expense, today is exactly four months since he died and I hate it. Everybody keeps telling that I should get married again, I will never be able to give my husband's place to anybody else. My mother will be staying with my brother for a few months I am hoping, I was able to convince her that we need to have a good relationship with everybody and also help out my sister in law, since she works two jobs. I needed some time alone to cry and grieve which I am not able to since she is here all the time, she is under the assumption I have already picked myself up sufficiently. I really wish my husband was here and this four months was just a nightmare. What a horrible life, the one person I could share everything with is gone. I still have not done anything with his belongings, my son will take most of his dress shirts, shoes and belts and of course he has this huge tie collection, I will keep them all for now. I do hate my life

Apr 10, 2013
To liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I feel so sorry that we cannot help each other, we can just be here for each other. We all feel the same I don't get hungry and can barely eat, I'm so cried out I hate myself. For being so weak.
Don't blame yourself for his death, pancreatic cancer is the worse to diagnose. We only found out 10 days before ken died. I think the doctors didn't even know what was the matter with him. They say no one survives it. It can get anyone no matter their age
I a little late today because my son has arrived from interstate.
I have decided to sell this house and buy a small unit close to him. The house has been put up for sale from today. He is here until Friday and I will go back with him for a few days. Maybe I can't be happy anywhere anymore, I was so bad the other morning I rang him at 2.30 am.crying almost hysterical.i hope nirmala you and your children are copeing. I will be writing to you both later tonight. Love to you all.

Apr 09, 2013
REply to Nirmala 4/9/13
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

My stomach was bothering me since I was 18, but I was able to deal with it. After my Mom passed away, and then my husband got sick and died, I lost 25 pounds. I only weigh around 92 pounds.
I went for a colonoscopy and endoscopy in November of 2012, nothing serious found, just a small hiatal hernia.

I can't eat yogurt or have any dairy, lactose intolerant. My nerves are making me this bad.
Every day, as I said, I can't deal with the idea that my husband is gone, not alive. He was constantly moving-doing things, so alive, and now, not here. You understand.

I know now you are a single parent (I don't like that term), just like "widow" I hate that name.
Your children will be fine; they worry about you, and they respect you, and they will not give you any more heartaches.

I went out early to buy food, mail bills, and pick up the pansies for the cemetery planting I will do on Saturday with my 2 friends. Big deal--I used to go to the cemetery with my husband to visit my parents (they lived long, good lives); but now I go to visit my husband, 64 years old and he looked only 50. It is a tragedy what you and I have faced, and there is no other word for it. We have been robbed of a happy future. I am angry again today, sad, and everything else that a "widow" goes through.

Stay well. Love, Liz

Apr 09, 2013
ADDITION TO MY 4/8/13 TO NIRMALA AND JENNY
by: Liz

Dear Kindred Ladies,

It is April 9th, 2013, and I have to tell you that every day is getting worse for me. I feel so sick to my stomach each time (all day and night) when I think that my husband is not alive any more. I keep thinking deep thoughts like he is buried underground, is that it? I cannot accept this fact; and I am going to become very desperate in my grief.

I don't think these thoughts will end. I blame myself for not knowing that maybe he needed special tests, instead of back surgery. The back pain was similar to his pain 4 years ago when he had his first minor disectomy; but this one was worse. Maybe, I should have known that pancreatic cancer causes back pain, BUT I DID NOT.
I BLAME MYSELF FOR HIS DEATH, AND I FEEL GOD HAS PUNISHED ME AND LEFT ME BEHIND HERE TO SUFFER ABOUT MY HUSBAND'S DEATH.

I need help, but I just won't go to a psychiatrist.

I cannot get over this shock of him dying, he was everything to me--just us 2. I just don't know how much longer I can think and feel likethis.

Liz

Apr 09, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Liz, I feel bad for your stomach problems. Did anybody suggest yogurt? I don't know if being a vegetarian would help. I could not eat properly for the first few weeks, now I eat two small meals and a snack sometimes. Eating snacks was a big problem for me, now I eat a little something in the evening. I have been very lucky although I lost some weight, it was not very drastic. If I don't lose anymore I will be fine. I keep my portions small so I do not put on too much weight, my daughter thinks there is no way I can ever become too heavy, but with slowing metabolism I worry. I particularly worry since I am the only parent left and since we sent the kids to catholic schools all along, they are smart but not street smart, now I have to teach them to go out into the real world and deal with the not too nice people.
That was probably why my husband wanted the kids to go away for college. Now I have all this extra time to worry about all the things that I did not have time for. I wish my husband was here just for a few more years.

Apr 08, 2013
To Nirmala, reply 4/8/2013
by: Liz

Nirmala, I just read about your property tax. That is very high; I thought mine at $13,000 plus was high, but $20,000-terrible. I never had kids so I never used the school system, they get my money for nothing.

You should write a book about your husband, he left behind a legacy of his intelligence, generousity, etc. Why did God take him? He had so much to offer, just like my husband, why?????
I feel sick again today--my stomach--my whole life the doctors told me I had irritable bowel syndrome, but now it is worse--I cannot go and all they do is tell me to take Mirilax. I can't live on that. I also was told recently I have a small hiatal hernia (I guess that is in the stomach?) Anyway, living like this with so much heartache, no husband, and now feeling sick, I get scared. If something happens to me, what will I do?

Life cannot get any worse.

I'm not going to eat, and pray this pain goes away. I will write tomorrow.

Regards, Liz

Apr 08, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

My property tax is almost 20,000 per year and it is a shame I particularly resent it since my children never went to public school, I could not even get the city or state to pay for their school bus, so I have always dropped them off and picked them up.
Jenny, you should definitely go with your son, kids and dogs are so special they always make you happy. I love all my nephews and nieces, actually my husband died just before his niece had a baby, her baby was born a day after his birthday, wish it was the same day. So far I have not even bothered to call her, I did not want to inflict my pain on her.
Liz, the book was a good idea. I had infect requested some of my husband's friends in India, to write a little something about their thoughts on my husband so the kids are exposed to that side of him, he was so clever it was incredible. He knew about everything in this world, I am the librarian and he was the walking encyclopedia. I miss him so bad

Apr 08, 2013
To Jenny & Nirmala, April 8th, lost...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny & Nirmala,

First, Jenny, I can't look at that book any more, and I too have a photo on my nighttable next to our bed--our wedding photo. Where did that special, happy day go? Now, days are sadder than sad, no word in the dictionary. I cried outside this morning as I cleaned up our patio in back.
I heard one bird, and it was like speaking to me--maybe my husband. Go to stay with the little ones--you will still be sad, but it's somewhat of a distraction. I had no kids, so I have no little ones. Taxes are high because where I live there is no industry, offices, etc., so our school taxes are around 8900 a year, and for my property tax around $3000. I have my own well for water, and my own septic, so I get nothing for the tax money. New York is the ripoff state.
No, we will never be happy unless we see our husbands again. I'm so confused about Heaven immediately, or only after the 2nd coming of Jesus. I'd rather he could just come back.
Stay well, Jenny. Love, someone who understands,Liz

Dear Nirmala, I wonder how long you and I and Jenny are going to "hate" life; I think I will forever until I die. As I keep saying, your children, and Jenny's children and grandkids are at least a support for both of you and comfort.
I am alone in this mess, sadness, and that is why I get so scared. Everything is up to me. My husband counted on no one; and so, he's telling me don't because I will be disappointed. My neighbor hasn't returned my call?????Who knows???

Stay well, blessings, Liz

Apr 08, 2013
Support is so important!
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Jenny Liz, Nirmala,
Having a good support system is so important in dealing with our grief.
I felt I had a good suport system with my family; yet, I always had this feeling; they don't really understand what I am going through.
I lost my husband, he was my life. I felt and still feel a part of me died the day he died. Going on without him isn't easy. I miss him every damn day. People say things will get easier and better. It doesn't happen, we just learn to go on living without them. That is in itself isn't easy.
On June 27th, Red will be gone 2 years. I don't know where the time went, because it feels like yesterday. I have become a much stronger woman, yet, Red always told me I was s strong woman.
I joined a grief support group through my church and the friendship I developed with three other widows has really helped me. We did thing often together, otherwise we would have spent our time at home alone. We all have children, but they are all adults with lives of their own. Our children will always be there for us, but it is oh so different for us widows, and only other widows really understand.
Even with my "Widow Friends", I still find myself coming to this site everyday. I call my "Widow Friends", we go out to eat together now only once a month, where before we did things together almost weekly. We are learning to accept our new life. We would rather have our old life and our husbands back, but we want them back healthy. We know in our hearts, our husbands would not want to live their unhealthy life. I know for sure, Red would not want to live with his disabilities. He was such an energetic man and so proud. I know God knew that and spared him. I know he is with God now and the loved ones who went before him.
I feel all your grief and I understand it so well. A friend asked me, "Pat, do you want to be a survivor or a victim?." I choose to be a survivor. Our husbands want us to be happy. It will be a new happy. Our old life, as much as we liked it and want it back, it's gone. Our life, is, forever changed.
I purchased another book, called "Waking Up In Heaven". I read it in two days. I read, "Embraced By The Light", "90 Minutes In Heaven" and "Heaven Is For Real". I do have to admit, I was envious because my husband died, he didn't come back, after dying, but those books have helped me deal with Reds' death, really convincing me, he is where he really would rather be. Here on earth there is pain and suffering; in heaven there is only peace and joy and beauty. Don't get me wrong, I miss Red every day and I still get tears, but I want so much better for him and I love him enough to let him go. I will never tell him good-bye,NEVER. I will always love him. I am getting tears writing this, but this is how I feel. My love for him did not die with his death and yours didn't either for your husbands.
We are all important to each other; we have loved and lost our loves.

Apr 08, 2013
No answers
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, I wish I could somehow help us all by coming up with an answer for us all. Each day you think it can't get any worse but somehow it does and you feel so lost and helpless, I've barely been able to get through the day. Dear liz why are your taxes so high , is that tax for owning a house there. We have what we call rates, house rates and water rates, mine total approx. $1,200.
Nirmala,you are lucky you still have your children at home because they still need you and will give you much joy. My boys are totally independent,in fact my eldest is not much younger than you. My eldest grandchild, a girl, is 16, I think much the same age as one of your children. My youngest, a boy is just three. They all live interstate with my middle boy.
My middle boy rang today and said he is driving here tomorrow and would I return with him for a week, I said I would be really bad company, he's the one that knows I'm a mess, said the kiddies might cheer me up, what do both think?
Dear liz it was really a sweet idea the book/album, but I know how you feel, I find it painful to look at the picture of ken at my bedside, at times I think maybe I should move it. Who knows if its ever the right time to look at things like that. Dear nirmala thank you for your email address I would like to keep in touch with you both..
Love jenny

Apr 08, 2013
To liz & nirmala
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, it's Monday and another bad day , no good day anymore, I've been in bed crying all morning only got up to feed kacey. How do other people survive, are we so different that we can't, we can't let go of the love of our lives. I read your posts and when you talk about your husbands I see that they are so similar the things they did. I have so many cards from ken and he used to write these beautiful verses of how much he lioved ne. I still have a message on my mobile phone that he sent me six months before he died, which read 'I love you'. It's not fair. Liz and nirmala I will write again soon, I'm too upset at the moment.

Apr 07, 2013
Jenny: I'm writing again on Sunday, April 7
by: Liz

Jenny,

I don't how to cope any more. Saturday and today, Sunday, have been the worst days. I think because I listened to some music we both loved from the 60's and because my niece made me a book/album (just like a real book) with photos of him, her, her brother and me--on our trips/cruises together, when they were kids, etc.
Then the last pictures of the book showed my husband and what the lousy cancer did to him.
He had been so handsome, vibrant, energetic; and in the last pictures of Christmas 2011, he looked so different. I cried for an hour straight. She meant well, and it was a wondeful gift of memories for me; but to see what that illness did to my husband makes me angry, sad, and more depressed.

How do I stop this idiotic idea that God will return him to me. I think that is why you and I don't really get ourselves to believe--WHY WERE THERE SO MANY MIRACLES IN THE BIBLE, and not now?
I know it sounds ridiculous to some, but I trust you that you will not laugh at me and you will know what I mean. I want my husband to walk into the side door of our house from the garage where he always came in because he parked his car and then came thrugh the kitchen door. There I waited for him all the time. No more.

Death makes me physical sick, and my heart really hurts.

Yesterday, I started putting legal things together for my niece to know--I have no kids.
I put directions as to whom to call; directions for my funeral, mass, etc., and what to do with the house things, selling it, etc. I made of list of what to shut off-phone, cell, etc., what bills to pay, what not to pay, and a lot of things.
I even wrote my obituary. Maybe it's cause I want to go where my husband and my parents are--supposedly Heaven. I want so much to enter Christ's life, have God believe me that I am trying to strengthen my faith, but on the other hand, I am so confused and upset about this entire thing. I think I am still in shock even after 8 months. Alone. That's me. No more a couple with the man I was so proud of.

What should I do Jenny?

Liz

Apr 07, 2013
Nirmala: re: cottage, bulbs, friend, kids...
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I'm glad that you didn't have it bad with the snow. It was smart to throw down the ice. My husband would snow-blow it with his machine the past few years before he passed. Before that, we had it plowed. But now with no paycheck from him, one storm costs me $90 with the tax. He is a ripoff because he knows I lost my husband.

My husband, like yours, seemed to be making sure I drove carefully--each time I took him to his chemo, or lab, or anywhere, he watched my driving.He knew I hated to drive, I am not a great driver because I never went far places to learn. So, now, without him, I am scared. He could drive anywhere, even in other countries.

I hope you rent the cottage for help with the taxes and to have people around. Good that you can provide for your children; they need to know that things are still secure--I am sure they worry about you and money. Idon't know how long I can stay here. I can afford my bills unless something major breaks, but it is the taxes - over $13,000 per year that is hurting me. If I had 1/2 of those taxes, I could stay forever even though it is a big house that requires a lot of cleaning and the ouside needs a lot of work each week--cutting grass, etc. I miss my husband for his love, and I miss his talent for taking care of everything here.

Yesterday, I cried a lot and stayed in bed a lot.
Today, I went out early, raked leaves, took off the blue tarp from my a/c units, and I took off all the covers I put on the statues, benches, etc.
I'm tired, but at least it's done. Now I have to hire a decent man to do work, and he will ripp me off for a lousy job--that is why my husband did a lot himself--he had the money to hire them, but they always disappointed him.

Your friend is a good person, she will be blessed, and you are fortunate to have her. I have a good friend too, but she is not too close by. My neighbors, in the beginning came by, but now they ignore me. Maybe because I cry, and they think that death is catchy. Who cares. They make me laugh--they go to church, then they don't help me out or even ask me if I am OK. My 2 friends and I will go to the cemetery to plant pansies and put mulch and a border at my husband's grave site in the City.
I cannot get used to the fact that my husband will never return, he is gone, and still I can't believe it, don't want to believe it, and I hate it. You, Jenny and I are miserable. It seems the other women on this site don't write much--the 3 of us seem to write back and forth. I hope it doesnt end.
Blessings, Li

Apr 07, 2013
To: Jenny: Yes, we should have met years ago...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

So, you made to the U.S., I'm glad. Yes, we all should have met years ago on a blog about, let's say: a hobby, instead of this kind of blog about our sorrow, and our losses. Why do we meet people whom we could bond with together now, instead of as a twosome?

I understand your panic attack at the mall; I keep away. For Christmas past, I shopped, reluctantly on - line. For me, I wanted no Christmas, but my niece insisted I come to their first Christmas in their first house. So, I went, and I cried all the way there-I had to take a bus and train on Christmas Eve. Who does that?
I never did, or had to do that in my life. I felt like a sub-human, alone, nobody with no one.

Yes, you almost made it to yours and Ken's 50 year anniversary, and we almost made it to our 44th. People say the same to me--you're lucky you had him that long. Lucky? Death at 64 is not lucky. He had so much to do, to live for, and he was so horribly annoyed to leave me alone. At least you and Nirmala have children; I've none and really no one except a niece, nephew, sister and her husband (now also battling cancer as of 3 weeks ago). I have another sister and brother with married kids and granddhildren, but after my Mom passed and the house was sold, they seemed to turn their back on me and my good husband for a dumb selfish reason: they were mad at the other sister I talk to. She decided to claim my parents' bedroom furniture and my mom's piano, and it created a lot of anger. Even I was angry, but when my husband got ill, she and her family stood by us. Families--what a waste of time--life is too short. I feel sad over tht too, and I often wonder what my husband would think now--forgive them? Forget? Where is he? In Heaven?
Heaven's meaning is so controverial, that I ask some Bible scholars to help me interpret things like where we go immediately after death, etc.

I got up early, and went straight out in my PJ's and big boots, hat and my husband's jacket. I raked leaves, took off the tarp from the a/c units, etc., and I'm exhausted. I could hear my husband telling me to stop working so hard. I must decide about the Spring and who will take on the tasks he did. It hurts, I trust no one to do it like he did.

I'm staying in the house today, and I hope it's not like yesterday--very bad depression--I started writing my legal stuff, funeral plans, etc. because I am alone and I had to leave a lot of instructions for my niece--like what to pay, what to shut off, selling the house, etc. We had planned to do this together just before he was declared sick and incurable. We should have done it in our 40's. That's my advice now to anyone young--do it now. Now, the mess is up to me.

Well, Jenny, I will pray for you to find some comfort. I don't know where, because I find none.

Love,Liz

Apr 07, 2013
Liz, Jenny
by: Nirmala

I have also been feeling very alone. On Saturdays I have this feeling my husband is around, particularly last Saturday even the dogs felt somebody was at the kitchen door, my husband can never come back, my son and I pulled the switch for the cremation. My son was still 16 when he died on the 11th, he turned 17 on Dec 27th. My kids are confident I will take care of them. I do feel very sad for them, my father died when he was 71 and that time we thought our life was going to end. Now I wish my husband also lived till 71. My son had mentioned I should not pay my life insurance, if I die who will take care of them, it must be much harder for them. My kids are 19 and 17, they need me for the next 10 years.
The realtor that sold us this house last year is helping me rent out the cottage on my property, renting that place will help me with the property tax and having people walk around would also help, we are a little isolated.
Liz, I kind of got lucky with the snow, one day I spent $150 to get it it done, but the rest of the times I was able to manage with my son. My driveway is long and windy, I used to worry about the drive up to the house in snow with my husband, there was only a dusting when he was alive and that day he was fast asleep and I had a panic attack taking my kids to school and college, I remember emptying a full bag of salt before driving down. The weekend before he died he seemed to be kind of checking things off in his head regarding my driving and things like that. Sometimes I just want to curl up and die, but I do not have the luxury to do that. My kids and the dogs are my responsibility. Thankfully the weather is getting better, I have a few more bulbs that I need to plant today. My husband would have done it in December but I could not do it till my friend helped me. My husband had helped this friend of mine with prescriptions and taking her to a doctors appointment, it is like he had paid ahead. This friend, a medical doctor from India helps people in her every day life without expecting a payback. I guess there is still things that we can do to make us happy. I know I will not be volunteering any time soon but that is an option somewhere down the road.
Jenny, you can email me nbhattacharya@yahoo.com if you would like.

Apr 07, 2013
So lonely still
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala I thought you were in the states, a couple of years ago ken & I were in the states, I guess at least we did get to do that. It was the first good holiday we ever had. I sort of think if we had met years ago we would have been wonderful friends , our husbands sound so similar kind, honest and loving, maybe it's true god only takes the best. I've always believed in angels, that if you acknowledge their presence they will grant you what you want. Believe me it doesn't work, I didn't ask the impossible, just some sanity in my life, to feel a little normal.
I think anything we say on this blog is o.k. We are talking from our hearts, how we feel, hopefully we at least realise that we are not crazy, reading yours helps me.
Today my youngest son and daughter in law came this afternoon and we went to the plaza and again I had a panic attack and started to cry, it was something I tried to avoid. Trouble is I see all these couples young and old and I do think why us, I miss ken holding my hand, he was always fun to be with. He loved driving and he would always come up with some reason why we should go out. I tell myself that I was
Lucky I had him for nearly 50 years, kens parents were married only 19 years when his dad died and I tell myself just stop it,you had it good compared to some people, but it doesn't help.
You are all in my thoughts, I feel close to you because you understand and I can say how I feel without being embarrassed, love to you all
N

Apr 06, 2013
Jenny...2nd reply, so lonely in the USA
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

So, you are in Australia--another place my husband wanted to visit some day--another dream not fulfilled, instead he' gone. It was part of his plan, move out of here to Florida, then travel our entire retirement. He had no retirement--just sickness, and a bad one.

I am in the USA-New York; and we've had a bad winter, and because my husband is gone, I had to hire an expensive snow plow man. My husband would have done it all.

I would love to see you, however, I can barely make my long trip to the cemetery--I am too afraid to drive to the city, so I take the bus here, then a subway train, then another bus--3 hours commuting. I have relatives in Italy who beg me to come, but I tell them I will not get on a plane ever again without my husband; and I can't go there alone--too many of my relatives in Italy are gone also, and it's too depressing for me.

Today is a bad day again. I will still be crying like you after 3 years. For me, it's 8 months on the 29th of April, and it feels like 8 days ago that I watched him go.

I was told to get this book called, "Heaven" by Randy alcorn; I will see if I can pick it locally or order it. I already read a book about Heaven, and they are all the same. How do these people know? What about mediums? Do you believe they talk to the dead? I'm skeptical.

I don't know how you lasted 3 years, I don't think I'll make it one year. I keep asking, no begging, God to take me. I hate it here without my husband.

Hope your family keeps you somewhat busy. Don't worry about the house. I clean mine just to do something, or else I'd be pacing the floor all day and night.

Blessings, Liz

Apr 06, 2013
To: Nirmala, 4/6/13 reply to you
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I am still paranoid too about going out. I don't remember how to get to this road my husband took whenever the other main road had traffic. It was a pretty, scenic road surrounded by water.

I only go to the grocery store, post office and drug store, and also to the doctor alone (he used to always make me have an appointment on his day off so he could take me, now I go alone and sit in the waiting room and cry.)

Yesterday and today are bad days; I find myself wondering how I am going to get past today alone.
I look for him everywhere. I hate it.

Your dogs know he is missing; maybe in the beginning they figured he was away and would return; but they understand so much and they feel so much; I am positive they are grieving.
My sister just called and told me to get a little dog. I have another reason I can't--the nearest vet is far, and I am afraid to drive there. Also, really, my mind is so unfocused and messed up now, my heart hurts every second. Last night I asked god to take me.

My friend's father died yesterday; I can't go to the wake because it is too far for me, but I sent a card and flowers. It seems that since 3 weeks ago, I have had to deal with 3 deaths in 3 weeks.
My husband's was bad enough for me; and all these other ones remind me of his. I tried so hard to take care of him; but his illness was bad from the beginning, hardly anyone who gets pancreatic/liver cancer survives. It is the worst one; and why did he get it? That is what I ask God all day long, why, why, why?????

I am of no use to you; I should be helping you with your sorrow, but I can't help that I write how I am feeling. If it bothers you, please let me know, I am sorry, nd I will stop.

I wish you and your husband had made your 25th anniversary--the silver one. We were married 44 years when he died. Thetime went by so fast, and now it's over, until I see him again. I must get my faith stronger and believe that we will be together again.

Stay well. I wish I wasn't so alone here. I can't even talk to my mother and father--they are both gone, too.
Regards and blessings,
Liz

Apr 06, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

I meant to say when we are not so scared to venture out then dinner sounds like an option sometime down the road

Apr 06, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Liz, that sounds like a plan meeting up for a dinner or something when we are scared to go into the outside world. I already took my kids to a restaurant for lunch one day with my friend's help, that place I had been to with my husband a few times, so I was very scared to go in, I was sure I was going to cry but luckily I had warned my friend not to talk about my husband and the kids and I enjoyed our lunch with my friend. Now I am getting more paranoid that I am not even grieving like I want to, so I will never be able to get out of this mess ever.
Jenny, I am sure your dog tries to help you, my chocolate lab watches me constantly, he realizes when I am upset and if I shed any tears he is all over me. My husband loved these guys so much he would always spend time with them and give them treats, they seem to realize he is gone. They would recognize his car sound and wait for him. Now when I ask them where is daddy they don't respond they seem to know something is wrong. We were married for only 23 years and my husband was supposed to be here for our 25 th wedding anniversary, he had promised me a party. I will turn 50 in November of this year and I had warned him that I did not want a surprise party for that so he was going to have a big party for the anniversary November 2014 instead. I am so angry with him he did not bother to live till then at least. His sister died at 45, she was also very healthy and a very good human being and then he dies at 50. Now at age 49 what am I supposed to do, wait for death to come my way? I really hate my life

Apr 06, 2013
TO: JENNY AND NIRMALA
by: From Liz at 4 a.m. 4/6

Dear Ladies, Jenny & Nirmala:

First, I think the messages take a long time to print, I kept looking for your messages on Friday, and they didn't show up on my computer until 4/6-Saturday.

Anyway, Jenny, I too woke up this morning and almost every morning since my husband died in shock. As soon as I awaken from what little sleep I get, I remember immediately--I'm alone.
See, it's only 4 a.m. and I'm up. I read your message and Nirmala's now.

Last night I went to bed crying. I held out my right hand and told God and my husband to take it and take me to them. I asked God to give me a sudden heart attack and let me leave this life.
I can't stand it any more. I proscrastinate about what to do with my future--I'm like at a standstill, thinking my husband will be back. He can't come back--why should God choose him for a miracle. No God won't do that because then it would be revealed to the world. God does things according to his plan.

mY PLAN IS TO ONLY LIVE THE MOST 5 MORE YEARS WITHOUT HIM. I TOOK 10 YEARS TIME FROM 44 YEARS WE WERE MARRIED, AND I CAME UP WITH SOME CALCULATION. THE TEN YEARS WAS FOR PERHAPS SOME AVERAGE TIME WE ALL THINK WE WASTED FROM WORK, OR OTHER THINGS.

So, then I multiplied the average of 10 years times 365 days then divided up the days by 24 hours, and came up with I have 5 years more to live before I can join. It sounds crazy, but I hope it is true. I do not want to live to 80 any more--I did with him, but not now. It is too long, and who will take care of me?

When I do think of some days all of us have just gone through everyday thiings in life, our husbands would come home and watch tv, we'd watch our tv if we didn't like their programs; or I'd talk on the phone with my Mom (way back when I was in my 20's), or he'd work late, or have to travel for his job, I say, that's how 44 uyears passed so quickly; and if I had known then that I was going to lose him at 64 years old, would we have done things differently? YES. I WANTED HIM TO RETIRE, AND LOOK--NO RETIREMENT--HE SPENT HIS LAST 10 MONTHS, UNABLE TO WORK, TAKING CHEMO, IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITALS, SICK, GETTING THIN, AND SICKER BY THE DAY. HE WAS ROBBED OF HIS PLANS TO LIVE IN FLORIDA, GO FISHING, AND FINALLY RELAX.
So, Nirmala, like you and Jenny, I am totally angry about this. My friends who preach the gospel to me, try7 to tell me it's God's plan.
What plan? So many of us are living with tears, pain, sorrow and I am so lonely and upset. All I remember now is the sickness and his death.
Saturday--it will be nice--and we'd have gone for a ride. I don't even remember all the backroads he used to drive on, so I can't evengo there.
I hate life without him. lOVE, lIZ

Apr 06, 2013
Lonely
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I liked your idea of meeting, we are kindred spirits, we understand each other,I used to be very sociable but these days I don't even make an effort, I know that's not right but I don't care, I don't care to even eat, food makes me feel worse.i have a feeling all you ladies are in the USA, could I be right. I'm in melbourne, Australia .
Tomorrow my youngest son and his wife are coming, I have no idea how I can pull myself together for a few hours. I have no interest in the house so I have to make an effort to tidy it up. I have been in bed up all morning just crying, hoping I can somehow get control of my feelings,after 3 years you would think it would at least be a liitle easier but its not.
When clearing the garage a lot of photos were found, ken was photography mad, but seeing them didn't help, I just felt sadder.
Love to all,

Apr 05, 2013
THE PAST, THE GOOD OLD DAYS>>>
by: Anonymous

Since my husband died, I have not been able to listen to any music and he had over 1,000 cd's. I loved the oldies--we grew up with that music in the late 50's and 60's when words in the songs meant something. Tonight on pbs, I came across a doo-wop show and all the groups were one. They are older, much older, but still sing great. The words alone are what matter and i didn't care if anyone was out of tune or sounded hoarse. The songs brought back memories of when I met my husband. We went to a lot of the oldies shows, and I danced in the isles of the theatre while he sat there. Every song had such heartfelt meaning, and they can really make you cry. I am crying now because I remember us singing to them, playing them on our transistor radio or record player -- no cd players then, no i phones, or dvd's just plain old record players where you put on a bunch of 45's. I have to shut this off now because I am crying for my husband to come back. I sometimes wish the end of the world would come so that I could just be dead and join him. I hate it here alone without him. Why doesn't anyone understand us?
Oldies, forever, I hope we can hear them in Heaven together again some day...soon, very soon.
Anonymous

Apr 05, 2013
So alone
by: Jenny

Hello everyone, this morning when I woke for a moment I felt like my old self, then an overwhelming feeling hit me when I realised nothing was normal, a nd I fell back into a very dark place, crying uncontrollably. I look at the world so differently, there is no joy anymore. Dear anonymous we all know how you feel, we just wish we had answers. I too have lost my faith, I've never nad a prayer answered
Dear liz, I have three sons, two live interstate, the other lives about 45 minutes away. I rarely see the two eldest and see the youngest usually once a fortnight. I also have 4 grandchildren but they live interstate. I have no other relatives.
Nirmala, my little poodle is called kacey, we got him when ken retired, we were going to have this wonderful life together, but it wasn't to be, ken and I had been married 49years and four months, we were so excited about reaching 50 years, that wasn't to be either.
Yesterday a friend came and helped clean out the garage, it was heartbreaking, I know it had to be done but it was heart breaking. My love to you all.

Apr 05, 2013
I hate my life
by: Nirmala

I cannot even grieve my husband's death since my mom has been with me all this 4 months I have three siblings one lives in the same town, but nobody will keep her even temporarily. I am very frustrated. I wish she would just go away even for at least a month. I feel like screaming, crying cursing but I cannot do anything I want in my own house. I hate my life, I don't even have the luxury of dropping dead like my husband. I cannot leave my kids alone and go.

Apr 05, 2013
ANOTHER MESSAGE TO NIRMALA, JENNY
by: Liz

Ladies,

I do not know when, or if this day will ever come because all I do is only go out to shop for food, mail bills, go to doctor appointments, and pretty much keep to myself in this house; but some day, maybe when we all think we can do it without hesitation or guilt, maybe the 3 of us any other of the ladies who write on this blog, would meet somewhere for a day or two. I am not even ready to eat dinner out with friends who ask; I usually have them come here to eat. I just cannot be in public places where people (families and/or husbands and wives) laughing, together. It hurts.

But, I'm just saying maybe some day we can meet, bring photos with us, and just bond about what we have in common. I wish it were a meeting of joy--like a sewing club, or craft club; but we are in this life now and to me, I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all be over and back to the way it was.

So, that's just another thought for the day.

REgards to all, Liz

Apr 05, 2013
ALL WIDOWS
by: Anonymous

i used to believe all the things in books about death like afterlife in heaven or hell, and so i figured my spouse is in heaven and watches over me, etc. well, i'm not sure, i lost my faith because it is unfair he died so young. I am mad at God at times because i prayed for a miracle and he didn't make one. so, whatever you believe, tell me because i cannot take it any more. it is too hard being here and he is somewhere else. first we're one, now, it's just me one and alone. he was my entire life, my life is over. why can't i just go and join him where ever that is?

anonymous forever

Apr 04, 2013
Jenny and Liz
by: Nirmala

Hi ladies,
Life is really unfair, I see good guys are taken away very soon. What is the logic I don't understand. God did not want them to suffer on this earth. Of the two of us my husband was kinder to others I would be more selfish for my family. He was so kind to all the kids always giving away $100 bills to our kids and all their cousins. He would take all the kids to 6 flags theme park every year. Yesterday I planted some of the bulbs my husband had bought with the help of my friend, I would not have been able to do it on my own. He would have enjoyed spring so much watching everything grow, can you believe he bought 30 trees two days before he died, they were all planted on Monday and he died on Tuesday, he might not have seen them planted, I don't even know if it was too dark on Monday when he came back home. I really hate my life

Apr 04, 2013
To: Jenny, I too question things...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I'm going through the same thing, my husband has a whole entire "store" of things in our basement--from every size nail, screw driver, about 5 hammers, saws, tools (5 sets) electrical tools like power drivers, etc. I just can't get rid of anything yet. My brother-in-law wanted to borrow a saw, but that saw was the last one he used to keep his mind off his cancer--and his goggles, etc. are still in the same place he left them on top. So, I told Pete, no, not yet.

Sanity: I question mine every day. I had to go to the hardware store (his favorite Sunday morning hang-out) to buy some things for when I go back to visit him. Two of my girlfriends and I will plant flowers, put in weed-cover, mulch, and a border. I want it to look nice. I'm bringing a bird-cage my friend bought for him, and an angel to sit in the little garden we will make. That's my life--we used to go there together to tend to my parents' grave, but now I go alone to see him. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I THOUGHT THAT HE AND I WOULD LEAVE HERE AND GO TO A RETIREMENT COMPLEX IN OUR 70'S OR 80'S.

About your moving: Everyone told me to wait a year to make major decisions; but I don't need to be told that because I will not leave here. I will first have the outside fixed the way it was before he couldn't tend to it; then maybe I will sell this house. It's so hard because we built this house, he put in a big patio, did a lot of work outside--we were always digging, planting big trees, and we decorated the inside too.
I will cry my eyes out when I say my last good-bye to this place. However, without him, even this house holds no joy for me.

What's the poodle's name? When I was a kid, we had a french poodle named "Gigi." My husband and I also had a dog, a shephard, Jason P. The p stands for polpetta (meatball) because when he was a baby he was so round.

I will do the next "big" event of the day: make some lunch. Then what? Cry. Cry, Cry.

Whatever you decide to do, take your time. I didn't know you had a son. I have no children, and that is why this is so bad. We would have had grandchildren by now--we were married about 44 years when he passed away.

It will rain tomorrow--good. I now hate sunny days.

Love, Liz

Apr 04, 2013
Vivien..hope you're all right there in the U.K.
by: Lisa

Dear Vivien,

I am wondering about you and how you spent the holiday.

Our husbands' non-presence is overbearing, and I know you felt as I did--miserable, empty and missing him. There was no big chocolate bunny for him (he loved chocolate); and no cards exchanged. The day after, my birthday, no card, no flowers, gifts (he was so generous and thoughtful). I didn't care about missing the flowers, cards, and gifts--he knew I would just settle for a little card--BUT WHAT I DID CARE AND CRY ABOUT IS THAT HE WASN'T THERE, AND JUST LIKE EVERY HOLIDAY THAT HAS PASSED SINCE HE LEFT WILL NOT BE A HOLIDAY OR BIRTHDAY FOR ME. NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME. His non-presence leaves such an ache inside my heart, and my mind is filled with memories that I chase out because they can no longer be made without him.

How are you doing? Is it cold there. For April, we are still having cold weather. I don't care because the Spring will make me sadder--he loved Spring--he couldn't wait to fix the outside, etc.
I used to love to watch him, now I watch an empty piece of property that I once loved because he cultivated it, beautified it. Everything to me is sunless, dark, and painful which isn't even a good word to describe my moods...I go through sorrow, anger, longing, and then more anger.
Then, the whys? Then, the I can't believe he is not here.

I hope you are feeling a little better, and especially better than I am.

Blessings, Lisa

Apr 04, 2013
We are alone
by: Jenny

Hello liz & nirmala, we all keep asking questions but I think we all realise there are no answers. I get so mad at myself because never in my life have I been so defeated, I question my sanity. I know it can't be fixed. Ken was a hoarder, we all teased him but it has left me a garage full of everything you can think of. A friend came today and has started clearing it out.im just grateful to him. I have pretty well decided to sell up and move interstate with my son. Have no idea if I am doing the right thing. I'm know I'm just so lonely in this house, I'm cried out. Liz and nirmala do you have any idea if you are copeing at all? Yes I have a little dog he's an 8 year old toy poodle, ken was the love of his life he went everywhere with us, he has fretted for him, the vet said that pets do grieve. Surely we will begin to feel better. I hated Easter and I hated feeling like that . I remember all the ladies here and know we support each other, my love to you liz & nirmala.
Q

?


Apr 03, 2013
Jenny
by: Nirmala

I was happy to read you have a dog, I have two bigs guys a golden retriever and a chocolate lab, the lab is more close to me particularly since my husband died. He watches out for me, the first few days he would not even let my sister come close to me, he would growl at her. I don't know how I would have lived in this house without them, my house would be too big and lonely without them. My life is so horrible I don't know if I will ever be able to get better. Today my friend helped me plant some bulbs that my husband bought.

Apr 03, 2013
Jenny: so lonely, etc.
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

You're right, my family is trying to understand, but can't like we do.

I am sorry you had a miserable time Easter and after. The day after Easter, my birthday, I was alone, crying, and for the most part, stayed in bed on and off. I don't sleep at night more than 3 or 4 hours, so I'm tired, but I can't sleep during the day.

As Nirmala said in her last post to me, "Life is not perfect..." No, it never will be. We didn't have a perfect life before my husband died--no one does--there are always problems, stresses, life situations, loved ones ill, etc., but at least HE was alive with me. Now, life without him is not becoming bearable.

I feel deeply he was not supposed to get that illness and die at that time and leave me. I am angry. I question it every day and night--Why?
Heaven could have waited for him; God could have waited for him. I need him. I'm alone, and sometimes I don't know where to get the will to go on. I'm scared; I don't have him to go to for advice, be it a problem, a mistake I made, something I can't fix or do in this house, something I break (already broke a ceiling light, a good vase, and other things.) My mind is not focused. I need him, but God has him, and I can't get him back. So, I have to go on?

I wish this were a long, long nightmare and I would wake up beside him.

Take care. Love, Liz

Apr 03, 2013
Nirmala: No more perfect life...
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I'm glad your friend came to stay with you. It was fate that you met her at a bus stop 15 years ago; see, now she can help you, and back neither one of you knew this would be.

Try to be patient with your mother. I wish mine were still alive for me to take care of like I used to. She was very affectionate, and I would do anything for her.

I am so alone because I do not have my husband to ask questions about things I need to know, fixing things, or even his advice if I have a problem I don't know how to deal with. What would he tell me now? Would he tell me the same thing he used to, or does all that change now, are they different, and would only give the righteous advice. He used to caution me about not telling people my problems, not to trust them for advice, and to trust his advice. But I do not know now what he would tell me.

I hate this life--it is not and never will be perfect again. Even though we had our stresses of living, and the stress of him watching me cry for my parents' illnesses, etc., and all I had to be responsible for regarding them, STILL LIFE WAS PERFECT BECAUSE HE WAS ALIVE.

NOW, LIFE IS FOR ME, NOTHING BUT EXISTANCE. I KEEP SAYING HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE AT THAT AGE AND LEAVE ME. WHY DID GOD TAKE HIM WHEN HE KNEW I NEEDED HIM?

lonely, confused, and no one understands except us.

Regards, Liz

Apr 03, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

I am happy, your family brought you a birthday cake. My husband bought a beautiful bamboo arrangement for my birthday in November, we did not have power due to Sandy. He gave me a surprise party, I am dreading to live through my next birthday. My friend will be with me till Friday, she is very good company we were talking about our husbands till past mid night. Life is just so unfair, this lady happens to have the same name as me and similar life. Of all the places I had met her in a bus stop some 15 years ago.
Like Pat said I am trying to fake it till I make it, once the financial situation is taken care of I should visit my sister, but I feel I should not leave this place for at least one year. I was supposed to send my kids to my sister this summer, I do not want live without them for now. Four months ago my life was perfect, at least whatever problems I had was not so final and evil. Now I live in this very dark place, seeing people outside feels so foriegn. Even my mother is getting on my nerves she is always planning on what she will be eating, how she will go to the temple and she exercises for a few hours, nothing seems to affect her. My husband would have been here if he was just a bit like my mom. What an unfair world

Apr 03, 2013
Lonely
by: Jenny

Dear liz & nirmala, oh liz you are so sad and like you we have no answers. Your relatives do sound like they are trying,but understand I feel that they just don't and is it possible that they could, we feel so lonely, so deserted, the pain is too deep. My refuge is my bed, each night I take my little dog with me and just cry and cry, no nothing has eased even after three years. My middle son wants me to move interstate with him, but I don't know if I have the energy to do it, but I wander aimlessly in this house. Ken was forever buying little ornaments and was always coming home with fluffy teddy bears, and now I look at them and feel so sad. I had a really sad and lonely Easter, Monday I only got up to feed my little dog, I didn't even eat, it was really bad. I hope liz that gradually we will find some peace and some understanding to this.horrible loss. I pray for us all, but feel like I've never had one prayer answered. Love to all.

Apr 02, 2013
To Everyone, another note since my 4/1/13 messages
by: Liz

Dear Everyone,

I wrote to several of you on 4/1, after a sad day on Sunday. Some family came, I made the best of the day; they did too, and they even had a birthday cake for me for my (April l) birthday.

Who was missing? My husband, his love, his presence at the table, his smile, his bouquet of flowers, his toast he always made at dinner, and I was so miserable on the inside, and tried my best to hide it.

Today, I'm angry again. I go through stages. Do all of you? I'm angry he is dead (that horrible terminal word--I hate it.) I'm angry he doesn't get to be with me, and I have to entertain without him--he was always so accommodating to company. He opened the wine, he poured it, and he took pictures, played music, and was the bright presence in the room. Gone, just like that.
Yes, I'm angry, and having panic attacks and no desire to eat or cook. It's freezing here--no Spring weather. I don't really care--I don't have to hear the birds, smell any grass, and get more sad when the warm weather comes. Last year at this time, it was warmer, and I recall he sat outside under the sun and enjoyed it.

Where is my faith? I still wonder is he or isn't he in a place called Heaven. Why am I doubting it, and other days I believe in this and that, and I pray, and now today, I am in a bad mood and don't want to believe anything.

I hope you read my individual messages to whom I wrote to you; I always respond to you when you write, so please scroll down to 4/1 or 3/31 where I wrote to some of you.

Hope all of you are doing better than I am.
Love, Liz

Apr 01, 2013
To Jenny: Lonely on Easter, etc....
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I know how much you cried; I cried in church, outside of church, after church, and then I had to hold it together because a few family members came. I cooked dinner, BUT WITH NO JOY AT ALL--MY HUSBAND WAS NOT AT THE TABLE TO ENJOY THE EASTER DINNER--THINGS HE LOVED TO EAT THAT I COOKED, AND NEVER ATE AFTER HE WAS DIAGNOSED.
I FELT LOUSY, AND ANGRY HE WAS NOT THERE.

Of course you miss Ken so much. I know, everyday I blame myself for losing my husband that I should have caught something along the way. I thought it was his back acting up again--he had that surgery 4 years prior, and we were told he needed another similar one to correct the bulging disc again. That back pain was from the pancreatic cancer; I demanded liver enzymes tests, and the hospital did not do them. Even if they had, I am thinking it was too late any way.

I should not have gone to church; the sermon made me cry about death, resurrection, and then the priest spoke about caregivers, and those who are mourning a recent lost one. I wanted to walk out.
I left when Mass ended, and then could not find my car. I had to finally ask an elderly man to help me find it. The parking lot was full of people leaving from one Mass and more coming in for the next Mass. I was so confused, crying and feeling stupid not to find my car. I was in no condition to go there, not knowing how packed and confusing that parking lot it.

Anyway, the older man, said wait for him, he'd get his car, after we found mine, and show me the way out because there are so many exits. I backed out to wait for him so I could follow him. I should have had him back up, because a car double parked--he parked in the church's driving road way--the cars are parked in spaces and he parked in front of 2 cars like he was on the street parking. I backed up slowly, and I was not expecting that car to be there; I felt a little bump, got out (upset and crying thinking oh no, I dented my car), but I saw no dent or anything on my car. I didn't really notice anything on his, nor did I look., at any minute that man was going to drive by and let me follow him. So I got back in my car. When I got home, I said to myself, what if I did make a little dent that I didn't notice on that double parked car? What will I do? I was so upset. you see, Jenny, in our state of mind, anything can go wrong. I don't focus 100% on anything any more. My heart and head are on my husband, and missing him too much to think right.

Anyway, I am hoping that if anyone saw me get out of my car to check, and said something, they will think I'm a bad person. Whatever it is, eventually this person who should not have parked that way will have his insurance company come up with something. Yes, he was parked wrong, but whoever is driving is at fault. I am too honest and caring, and I don't know what to expect, but I am ready for anything. Nothing goes right for me since my husband died.

Stay well, love, Liz

Apr 01, 2013
To Nirmala: Carpet, cottage, chocolates, etc.
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I totally understand about religion. It was a good choice about catholic school for your children; I believe they get a better education, more attention, and solid instruction, etc.

About the carpet, the steamer companies usually will do a good job; if not, don't pay until it looks good. Yes, that's why I won't have a dog.
I have all nice wood floors and they will scratch them. My niece's dog scratched her wood floors in her apartment before she bought this house, and she will not allow the dogs on her new wood floors.

I would rent the cottage, but it is hard to trust people; every state has laws about evicting people who damage places or who do not pay rent (then court has to decide and that costs you money and time and aggravation). It takes a long time to evict a bad tenant from a place. So be careful; try to get someone from a family or friend who has a decent person who needs a place to live and has a job and reference. But of course, you know all this, you're very smart.

The chocolates are good and your husband just like to see yourself enjoy them. I love them, but I know I cannot eat chocolate or else my stomach hurts more.

I hope the resume helps out: put in that you are good organizer and that you are responsible, etc.

Stay well. Love, Liz

Apr 01, 2013
Liz, Jenny and others
by: Nirmala

I do not celebrate Easter nor do I celebrate any other festival since I am done believing in God, I was born a Hindu both my husband and I were not very religious, if you do your duty and do good to others that is all the religion I need to follow. One of my sisters is a staunch Hindu and she tries to preach, for me it is very shallow. My husband as a doctor helped everybody he could with his skills and also with material things. I don't want to be part of any religion, we sent our kids to catholic schools for all their schooling, more for the discipline than anything else. They are turning out quite ok, I have noticed my son checks on the two of us before we sleep most days. My husband was complaining I am spending too much time with the kids, it seems like a good investment. Thanks for your advice about the resume, I will do it one of these days when I am relatively free, today my friend is coming back home, she works in NY. She will stay with me for a few days and go back to Boston. She helps me around the house a lot, I need to maintain this house the best I can if I need to sell it. In the meantime I am trying to rent out this cottage kind of building that I have on the property, at least that will offset my property tax to an extent. But I do not want to panic and make mistakes. Thankfully my family is trying their best to help me make these decisions. My carpet is a mess I don't know if it is worth buying the rug doctor and taking care of the carpets myself, with my husband around I would call the cleaner quite a few times because of the dogs. Now I don't know what is the right thing to do. My husband's cousin was telling me I am capable of being smarter with the money than my husband but everything is scary especially when you are in such grief. Liz your life was already upside down during Sandy, mine started at that time, we lost power, my daughter's best friend had a brain aneurism that was bad enough I thought, I had given up eating sweets and my poor husband would offer me sweets almost everyday and I would refuse. Now after he is gone I wish I had taken what he had offered. For some reason even though he knew my daughter's friend he did not even inquire about her much, makes me wonder if he knew something bigger was going to happen. In all what a miserable life

Apr 01, 2013
Lonely
by: Jenny

Dear liz, I am so pleased you went to mass, so brave, I know you became upset but you did so well. I feel betrayed, I feel it is so useless for me. I don't understand how people say their prayers were answered,mine never are. I have only seen my eldest son once since his dad died, but today he rang, possibly coming to see me, if and when remains to be seen. Today is so bad, crying while I'm writing, I'm a mess, no light at the end of the tunnel. I try to tell myself ken was needed in heaven, but I needed him here more. Thank you liz for keeping in contact, I appreciate it, I don't feel quite alone because you understand.love Jenny.

Mar 31, 2013
TO NIRMALA, FROM LIZ...EASTER--SAD
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

I don't think you celebrate Easter because you had sair you're Indian. I respect all beliefs, and anyway, no day is a holiday for us no matter the religion. I hate every holiday without my husband.

I'm sorry for the troubles you have with those partners of your husband's. people with me sometimes treat me bad. I was never a trusting person; andnow I am worse--I can't trust myself, people, or anything. If something can go wrong it will. I don't take time to think things through. I don't take time to do things, and then there is a mishap.

I am not in a good mood. The family was supposed to be here at 1, it is 2 and no one is here yet.
Would they do it in a restaurant. I keep warming up the food--if it tastes lousy, it's not my fault.

I miss my husband too much, and I think that is why I am confused, my head isn't totally focused, and I makemistakes, and then I blame myself.

I even blame myself that I could have kept looking for more doctors, and more medicine to get rid of his cancer. I keep thinking maybe he had it a long time -- it is the type that stays in you without warning--and I don't know.

I just am going to pray that my husband knows that I did all I could, I love him, and I would have made a miracle if I could. I hope he believes that now.

Life is a mess, not the same, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

your resume: start off with your last job, then put things in between: maybe you can say you assisted your husband in his job as a doctor?
Just try to make it that you are a very conscientious person, with good work ethics, and very willing to learn and grow in the job.

Let's stay as strong as we can.

Blessings,
Liz

Mar 31, 2013
To Jenny, Easter afternoon here...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I liked your memories of Easters with your husband and the chocolate. My husband loved chocolate; I am not supposed to eat it, but I did too. I always ate the ones with the pecans or any kind of nut inside. He used to say, "For someone who can'teat chocolate, you sure picked away at this box that was supposed to be for me."

I am sorry you were alone. I stayed alone Thanksgiving, crying, in my pajamas. I cooked a big turkey, don't ask me why, and because it was so heavy, I dropped it on the floor when I was taking it out of the oven. It took 2 hours to clean up my kitchen floor, etc. I ate a piece of turkey, a sweet potato, in front of the TV, alone, crying. Horrible.

Today, because I asked them 3 weeks ago, and told themI will not travel any more on a holiday, some family members are coming. I specifically said
1:00, and it is almost 2 pm, and no one. That's it.

I got brave and went to Mass--and I should have stayed home. first, I cried at Mass, then I could not find my car in the parking lot. I asked an elderly man to help. We walked around, and finally found it. He asked me to back up, wait for him in the lane, and hewould get me back to a street I know. I was so upset, confused, and crying. I told him I was sorry, but he was so willing to help me. Other things happened, but I'll keep it for another time.

Life is horrible now, and I will not ever be the same. I am going through: did I do the right thing; should I have done this, that, should I have had my husband tested many years ago when he was feeling tired--30 years ago. I feel guilty about everything, even though I did all I could.
I hope my husband remembers that and that I love and miss him.

Love to you,
Liz

Mar 31, 2013
So lonely
by: Jenny

Dear liz and all the ladies here, so glad Easter is over, Easter Sunday was always a lovely day for us, we always shared a box of chocolates in bed, carrying on like a pair of kids arguing who didn't want the dark chocolate ones and sneaking the soft centred ones, then the race to the fridge for that drink of cold milk, laughing all the time. Stupidly I bought a box of chocolates, why did I do that? Anyway I gave them away. So sorry liz to hear your trouble with flooding, I feel for you. I hope your Easter was a little easier for you. I was so upset all my neighbours had family and friends to share their days, I sat alone just crying and remembering, I guess I dwell on everything too much. There is no doubt at all when you say we cannot mend a broken heart. I am starting on antidepressants,has anyone here tried that? I hope I am doing the right thing, anyone's view would be appreciated. Thank you liz for your kind word. Love to all.

Mar 30, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

My property tax is extremely high too, that is one of the reasons my family was telling me to sell this house and go to my other smaller house which my husband was going to sell soon, I was persuading him to keep it as an investment property. Unfortunately our both kids went to private schools, so never really made use of the high property tax towards schooling. One last semi annual fees I did not have to pay for my son's high school since it was covered by insurance through school. Now my son will be going to a State University of New York college in Long Island, since my husband is not here to yak care of the tuition. Although we have a college fund, we did not save enough, always under the impression my husband's big pay check would take care of college. But I am not very worried, my husband has been taking care of the finances even after leaving this ugly world. My husband's partners made a promise in front of my dead husband to take of Dr.Sujit's family like he was here, I am sure my husband will make sure his hard work will not go to waste. All this after using my husband's signed check for his own funeral. My brother had offered to pay for the funeral, but the partners insisted they would pay for it. I am so disappointed my husband was associated with these kind of people. My life is changed forever. I need to get a job at least for the medical insurance, but I cannot even get my resume together. It is over 6 years since I worked last.

Mar 30, 2013
to aNONYMOUS - REGARDING TRUE FRIENDS
by: Anonymous

aNONYMOUS:

if you would like to know from my point of view where real friends have gone --- to ex-friend land.

\True friends stay for as long as you are grieving, and don't run away.

So, call them ex-friends, and make new ones, or keep a few that you have. Fakes, are useless and only want to see if they can get something out of a vulnerable person.

Hope this helps.

Anonymous

Mar 30, 2013
TO JENNY SO LONELY...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I am sorry that your had so much flooding and problems in your home on top of your sadness losing your husband.

About your doctor: he needs help because he doesn't get it--you endured a great loss, then you had to go through the trauma and problems of your house being flooded, etc., and the insurance situations, etc. It's too much. I know.

After my husband died, my washer (after the power came back on after Hurricane Sandy), overflowed, I could not stop it. Our Brazilian cherry wood flood was totally damaged, warped. I tried to wipe up the water, it was over an inch deep.
I wrung out the wet towels, etc., and then took 6 loads of heavy wet wash to the local laundromat (I was never in one before.) I said to myself, crying in the parking lot: "What am I doing here. look, Babe, what has happened since you died." Everything seemed to go wrong. I scraped my newly leased car on the garage door (in a hurry and crying); my credit card was stolen, I had dropped it on the floor at the gas station, thinking I put it in my coat pocket. One thing after another. And no husband to calm me down and make it better.

We will get stronger from all of this, but we will never get rid of our broken hearts.

I cry for you, because I know how much it hurts.
\Liz

Mar 30, 2013
Nirmala: 3/30/13 from Liz
by: Liz

To Nirmala,

First, I have to say that I am so sorry that your husband's partners are doing this now when you are already so down; don't they have respect and understand and sympathize with the death of a loved one, especially a husband whom they knew and gained from. Your husband was kind, like mine, and helped many. He has his reward in his afterlife, trust me.

I, to, have to straighten out my situation as I am no living with my husband's good paycheck. He was an executive, worked his way up after serving in the Army in Vietnam. He never asked anything of anybody, he was a self-made man from the time he was very young. It was a necessity for him to work at a young age.

You are fortunate that you can rely on your children and other family members. I hope that continues. I know that Indians are very college conscious and studious. I am sure you can find a job soon. I am not even looking because I have to much to do to give my house (mostly the outside) looking good in case I decide to sell it.
I want to stay here, but my property taxes are very high.

I hope we all can find some comfort somewhere but for me, the fact remains that every second my husband is on my mind and in my heart, and I can cry any time of the day, whether I am home, in my car, out in the store.

Life is and never will be the same without our husbands.

Love, Liz

Mar 30, 2013
Liz and others
by: Nirmala

Another lonely weekend, I am wishing my life away. I need to change for my children's sake, they lost one parent already. My husbands partners are making it very difficult, they were supposed to hand over the paperwork to my lawyer they have not bothered. They will be held in contempt of court, I don't understand what they are up to. Everything is a mess, but I have noticed my husband has been guiding me. Last Saturday I could feel his presence. He loved this property so much, he would walk around constantly. Financially even after he died he has been taking care I have not had to borrow one dollar from anybody, I cannot even remember how much he has helped others. He gave two cars one to his sister and another to her daughter recently, thankfully my immediate family has been with me every step of the way, my sister in law a medical doctor if she is too busy to pick up my call during the week, will always return my call within minutes knowing that I must be feeling down. In the next year if I can set my finances straight and manage to get a job in a library, I might then be able to pick myself up. Never will I be able to go out with another guy, my husband has spoilt me, he knew what I wanted even when I did not. I will dedicate my life to taking care of the grand kids when the time comes if I am needed, if not I have to think of spending my time with my dogs, they will probably live for another 10 years. I hate the word widow, but of course that word takes on a very dirty meaning in India. I am so happy I am a New Yorker. Widows were treated very poorly in India, these days it is different with people that are educated. Indians are for most part highly educated, college is a must not an option for most part. I need to attend a friends daughter's wedding, when this girl got engaged my husband was here, now he is not. Life is just so unfair

Mar 30, 2013
So lonely
by: Jenny

Dear liz & all the ladies here,we have all lost the most wonderful men in our lives, how we survive it and if we. Really want to I don't know. All I do know is that after 3 years its worse for me, we retired to this house for a new beginning, our time,a fun time,but it wasn't to be, anything that could go wrong, did. 2years after he died the house was flooded, I lost nearly everything, furniture, drapes, all the flooring covers,clothes, shoes even the dishwasher.thankfully insurance covered a lot. It has taken almost a year to restore it. I was already not copeing, my so called doctor said I had behaviour problems, since when do you describe grief like that. Since coming on this blog I have realised that I'm not crazy but my sanity is wavering, I think. My husband asked me not to do anything stupid, he believed in the after life and told me if I did anything lIke that we would never find each other again. I'm not sure.

Mar 29, 2013
my heart goes out to you
by: anne

I am very sad to read your story I cant. Start to believe the pain u are in my heart goes out to you and your family.

I watch my partner sleep so sound. And think soon he won't be here I will be alone as my partner has. Got COPD and he. Dieing before my eyes I'm so helpless all. I can do is be there for peter he my rock my world my hopes and dreams how do I carry on alone I cant I want to die. Too this is true not made up anne bate

Mar 29, 2013
FRIENDS IN GOOD TIMES ONLY, PLEASE ADVISE ME WHAT TO THINK
by: Anonymous

PLEASE LADIES WHO WRITE ON HERE, HELP ME OUT WITH WHAT TO THINK:
HAVE ANY OF YOU WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO ARE GRIEVING FOUND OUT WHO YOUR REAL, TRUE FRIENDS ARE?

I HAVE RECENTLY HAD A RUDE AWAKENING. IT STARTED SLOWLY, BUT NOW I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

REAL FRIENDS CALL YOU WHEN THEY KNOW YOU ARE ALONE, SAD, AND LOST YOUR SPOUSE. THEY DON'T CALL ONCE A WEEK OR MONTH, THEY CALL ALMOST EVERY DAY TO JUST CHEER YOU UP IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.

LITTLE BY LITTLE, MY SO-CALLED FRIEND, WHO BECAME MY FRIEND AFTER SHE TOLD MY HUSBAND WHEN HE WAS DYING THAT SHE'D LOOK AFTER ME---NO OBLIGATION--I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT TILL AFTER HE DIED, HE NEVER TOLD ME SHE OFFERED THAT. BUT 3 WEEKS AFTER HE PASSED, SHE SAID, HE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT ME, AND SHE OFFERED TO KEEP TRACK OF ME, LOOK AFTER ME. THEN SHE CAME AROUND, HELPED, CALLED.

NOW AFTER 7 MONTHS, KNOWING EASTER IS ALMOST HERE AND I WILL ALSO HAVE A BIRTHDAY, SHE HAS BEEN STAYING AWAY, NO CALLS, NOTHING. I CALLED HER TO WISH HER A HAPY EASTER--I KNOW SHE MENTIONED GOING AWAY WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS FOR A FEW DAYS, BUT TO TOTALLY IGNORE ME. SHE KNOWS HOW IT AFFECTS ME; I'M QUITE SENSITIVE, I COUNTED ON HER AND SHE RENEGGED ON HER SO-CALLED PROMISE TO MY DEAR HUSBAND. HE MUST HAVE SEEN THROUGH IT AND THAT IS WHY HE DIDN'T TELL ME. HE WAS GOOD AT JUDGING CHARACTER AND LIARS.

WELL, SO I'LL JUST HAVE TO TELL HER THETRUTH -- THAT I FEEL SHE WASN'T BEING A FRIEND, NOT CALLING ME, ETC. DON'T CARE IF SHE IS ANGRY, I CAN'T JUST PRETEND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ANONYMOUS-SAD ALL THE TIME, AND MISSING MY HUSBAND
'T

Mar 29, 2013
To Vivien, From Lisa (for Vivien)
by: Lisa

Vivien,

Well, I am very sorry that you cried your eyes out last night because of the resemblence of your sister-in-laws to your husband.

I cried too, but I was very sick: I have irritable bowel that acted up so bad. I was scared being alone, without my husband here, alone. I remembered him always telling me: Drink lots of water. I did, but the pain lasted 4 hours--terrible, I almost called the emt's.

Then I reached out my hand, and asked God and my husband to take me to them, that's how bad I felt, on top of my loneliness, sadness, and I am inconsolable. Forget about friends: with Easter and my Birthday approaching, they haven't even called. Who cares--true friends call, no excuse it good enough for me.

I am sorry to say that I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go on. I can't see myself getting through so many things without my husband. There is just too much. He wouldn't wantthis for me, and he certainly wouldn't want me to throw away our home, etc., to the Govt.
They will take it if I don'tget my affairs in order. But I feel that the people I have in mind don't deserve it. Sometimes my own niece doesn't call me--who doesn't have a minute to call????????? B.S.

Easter and my birthday without him, are nothing but JUST DAYS, LIKE ALL THE OTHERS--I AM A ROBOT.

tODAY IS THE 29TH--HE DIED ON THE 29TH, SO I HATE THAT NUMBER AND WILL FOREVER. I WROTE HIM A LONG LETTER TODAY. I WANT HIM TO FORGIVE ME FOR NOTWANTING TO GO ON.
I asked him if he watches me. I'm not sure about that, or Heaven. Are you? I want to believe it.
Where ismy faith?

Stay well. I know your pain for sure.
Love, Lisa

Mar 29, 2013
To Jenny: So Lonely & Sad...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

Yes, holidays are so horrible without our husbands.
Easter and then my birthday -- the 1st Easter and the 1st Birthday I will face without him and how wonderful he made my birthday. Many birthdays, we were alone (during the week), and he'd still get a cake, light it, carry it into the media room and sing by himself, "Happy Birthday." So cute. BUT ALL GONE, FOREVER.


Why is it that none of us can help each other--I will tell you because we had the love of our lives, and we cannot figure out how to get along alone without them. I have that pain, but also worries: what to do with the house, the money he saved for me to live on; how to take care of the inside and outside of this house--I have to hire jerks who won't do things the way my husband did.

I too, like you, hate life, everything hurts. I have to be honest, I don't know how I'm going to continue this much longer.

Friends: forget about it--mine are over the initial helping stage, or fake caring-whatever it was. I don't care--let them go I say--the heck with all of them. They don't get it until they lose their husbands, which I don't hope happens, but people are selfish. Even though I used to think it was "the other guy" I always sympathized with everyone. I cared. But no one is like us.
They don't give a damn. Only God loves us and is faithful, and our husbands worry about us. I ask my husband every day: "Do you feel my pain and hurt since you died?" I wonder if he sees me all the time, what I gothrough, even the problems of daily living.

I am cooking for some family on Sunday, butmy heart is not in it--my husband isn't hear to enjoy it while they stuff their mouths on his food that he paid for--it's true.

Sorry to sound so selfish, but I say the truth.

I hope that you and I can find something to sustain us.

Love, a person who understands every single emotion ou are going through because I am too.
Liz

Mar 29, 2013
Nirmala 3/29/13
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,
I was wondering you were for a few days. This is my refuge going to this blog to read about everyone--we all share the same thing: pain, grief, and worry.

I hope the children come up this summer, it will be good for you. Regarding what you mentioned about your husband, I am happy he changed before passing.

My husband, to me, was very close to "near Saint" in the way he cherished our marriage, and he never even wanted to go out with friends: he never even went bowling, no less to any other place. It was always us from the beginning. That is why I miss him so much. I sometimes wish he had not been so good, kind, loving, and honest and diligent about work; then maybe I wouldn't be so tortured missing this man of a wonderful personality, good heart, etc. He was the perfect one in our marriage. I had a temper, and often worried too much and picked on things; but he was logical, and wonderful. I cannot stand it much longer without him.

Yes, they are coming Sunday, but I have no joy in that. I am cooking for them, not for my husband who loved holidays and my cooking. I am spending money that he worked hard for, on them, and at times they don't really deserve me or him when he was alive. For days now, they don't call. Wouldn't you call someone who you know is alone, wanting to die, and sad.

I know what you mean about frieds: one of mine promised my husband she'd look after me--sure. Why? She only knew us from the hospital. Now, she has backed off, not seeing me hand her money, maybe. She used to say she'd help fix this and that; and then doesn't do it. I trust no one.
I have changed my will so many times. I feel like leaving anything to charity. The hell with everyone. My poor husband worked 50 years since he was a kid, for what, for them? I mean it, I trust no one. Not even the pastoral care woman calls me-she knows I am alone, she knows what I have faced and am still facing--the death of my friend recently, etc. She knows that I don't want to live. A religious person? Sure!
I am beginning to realize it is ME ALONE, AND THAT IS WHY I'D RATHER FIGURE OUT HOW TO DIE SO I CAN JOIN MY HUSBAND WHO WILL LOVE ME, AND MY PARENTS. IF I WEREN'T SO AFRAID OF MESSING IT UP, I'D DO IT. I HATE LIFE.

Liz

Mar 29, 2013
Liz, Vivien, Dawn, Debbie and everybody
by: Nirmala

Liz, I am happy you will have company on Sunday. My sister in law invited us for lunch on Sunday, hopefully we can pass the weekend decently. Most holidays I used to entertain since I loved to cook, my husband and his friends loved my food. These friends do not even give a damn anymore. I need to make new friends, I only have two good friends for now. I was under the false impression my husband's friends were my friends too, they all disappeared. Even my husband's sister has not called me in a long time. My sister will be visiting us in June and her kids will stay with me for over a month I am hoping, they made me happy last summer, although my husband was here last summer, he was very unreasonable at that time, he had brought two dogs in addition to the two big dogs we already have and he would hardly stay home partying with his younger friends till morning at times. He had changed that behavior in the end, that is what bothers me more, if he had died when he was misbehaving it would have been easier to let him go, he realized his mistake, he called me his best friend in the months leading up to his death. Now I need to pick myself up

Mar 29, 2013
So lonely and sad
by: Jenny

Sitting here alone crying again, I've come to the conclusion that nothing will ever be slightly better, holidays again and everyone is right, family and friends just don't get it. Why are we there for them, but they are not here for us, maybe because I can't pretend I'm happy, I miss him beyond belief, I walk alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, no one to decide and discuss things with. No good asking if anyone has any answers because I know no one does.

Mar 29, 2013
to Lisa fromVivien
by: Vivien

Hello Lisa.

Last night I cried most of the night and I feel shattered .

I do hope that you enjoy Easter as best you can even though you will have sad memories and some good ones I hope.

I went to my sister-in-laws yesterday, I think the reason for my upset last night is that both his sisters look like their brother.

Take care for now xx

Mar 28, 2013
Vivien-England, UK
by: Lisa

Dear Vivien, It's Thursday, 3/28, and tomorrow is the 29th--I hate that day and number--it's the day my husband passed away.

I do write him letters, as a matter of fact, I have written to him every 3 to 5 days, sometimes once a week, but every week. I keep the letters in the same place I keep the eulogy I wrote and read to him at his wake.

Yesterday, unfortunately, I had to be strong and go to the same funeral parlor and room my husband was waked in--our friend passed away. It was horrible about that, and to go into that place again. I thought I would faint.

I ran out today to shop for dinner on Sunday. My Goddaughter, her husband, my nephew and their parents are going to come after all. My brother-in-law will start chemo next week. So, I will not be alone on a holiday this time. I really don't care one way or the other--my husband is not here, and I cried in the supermarket--choosing all his favorite foods. He liked to eat pasta, osso bucco, etc. He is German, I'm Italian. But he loved Italian food.

So, a blessed holiday to you and your family.
I will try to calm down, but I will cry my eyes out, and long for him so much.

Regards, Lisa

Mar 28, 2013
Dawn: Another night, another day, so many more...
by: Liz

Dawn,

I'm up early, if I do sleep, Im lucky.
Another night, like you, without my husband.
It is a nightmare that I want to awaken from.

I am angry at the world, I used to be so angry with God, it's normal, but He didn't do this.
Why would he do this to us?

I am angry at couples, happy people on the TV, the fakers from Hollywood who have marriages that last a day or a month, who cheat, etc. They don't know what real life is all about. If they had to deal with our pain, they couldn't.

We are weak, but brave to still go on. I go on just existing, with sorrow, pain, anger, fear, and wanting him to come back so much that I am becoming obsessed with that.

Where is he? I want to take care of him. He died so sick; and he had so many plans to downsize from this big house, move to Florida, get a tiny boat, fish, and grow old with me.
None of it will ever be; and he so much deserved it: worked all his life for what--NOTHING. HE DIDN'T EVEN COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY OR MEDICARE THAT HE PAID INTO ALL THOSE YEARS. Life is unfair, really unfair. My husband, as yours, deserved better.

Now, forever, we have changed lives; and I don't know how to go on; I want no one else; and I can't see years without him. Time goes by so slowly, and I want to be with him.

Another holiday and my birthday is coming: he made every holiday, birthday, and regular days special since I met him. He worked hard, didn't have exactly a good childhood(divorce, etc, and parents who weren't really loving). My parents gave him the love and he gave it back triple.
We did everything together; had no children, so we kind of stayed to ourselves fr the most part, and now, I'm being punished for that lifestyle: not many friends. Who cares: most friends aren't friends when put thrugh the test. Death bothers them, they don't understand it, so they kind of ignore the crying and say I will get better.
They are so wrong and ignorant.

Dawn, I have no answers. I don't even know if I will continue writing on this blog much longer.
All I know is that I have to cling to people in my family who really don't care about my sorrow.
It's a long story.
My husband was my life, and my family after my parents passed away. At least I had him to get me through their illnesses and deaths. Now, it is just ME, ALONE, WITHOUT MY SOLID ROCK.
I CAN'T LOOK AT HIS THINGS; HIS TV HAS BEEN SHUT SINCE HE DIED, AS IS HIS OTHER EQUIPMENT HE PUT TOGETHER YEAR AFTER YEAR, UPDATING, ETC.

LIFE IS NOTHING FOR ME WITHOUT HIM.

mY heart understands your sorrow for your Mike.
Love, Liz

Mar 28, 2013
Debbie: I LOVE YOU MORE.....
by: Lisa

Dear Debbie,

I read your message about your husband Lenny, who, like my husband of 44 years, passed away from that horrible, lethal, miserable disease Pancreatic cancer. My husband's was diagnosed at Stage 4, suddenly, only after he wasn't having an appetite, etc., and this was after a back surger for a disc bulge. We thought nothing of it, that it was due the surgery, the meds he was taking for a backache. NO, instead, it turned out to be that dreaded sentence:Pancreatic Cancer that had already gone to his liver, and portal vein, and who knows where else. The oncologist was so rude when she announced it to him and me. I screamed, cried and I think he panicked but tried to act brave.\\

Debbie, everything you wrote about Lenny is the exact same thing as I could have written about my husband: brave, no complaints, and my husband kept saying, "Babe, it will be all right; I'm going to live for you, I promise." He did everything the doctors told him too, he followed the strick diet of not too much fatty stuff (he always ate right anyway). When his hair fell out, he said, with his face in his hands, "I ruined our lives." It killed my heart with painh for him and I replied, "No, Babe, the cancer did this to us, not you." I hugged and kissed him.
Though he was sick and on chemo, and the pain meds, etc., with all the reactions from that strong chemo, 2 months later on December 24th 2011, he begged me to put up our Christmas tree which he had done almost every year of the 44 yeras we were married. I thought he was too weak, but when he said, "Babe, this will be my last tree, please." I let him: he decorated so beautifully. I handed him everything, and he did his magic. He was so good at everything, so kind, so generous.

I ASK WHY, WHY HIM? i MAY SOUND MEAN NOW: I married, in my opinion, out of my siblings, the best one--their spouses were not kind-hearted, and reliable like my husband. They live, laugh, and are carefree; my husband, always conscientious, caring and took great care of my parents' needs, is GONE. WHY?

I hate the holidays, but I hate every day without him. I wait for him to come back, I really do.
I'm sick over his death, that I can't describe the agony, despair, fright.
I too sleep in the bed where his last breath was taken---it was a very difficult late after last Summer of vomiting blood for almost 5 hours. The hospice nurse came in--I had met her that afternoon, hospice was only with us 2 days. He tried to hang on for me. He said, "I"m broken, no one can fix me." Until I told him I'd be OK, I whispered in his ear, "Go to God, my parents, etc." he wouldn't stop, but as soon as I told him I'd be OK, he stopped breathing in my arms.
I can't get out of my mind. DEATH CHEATED HIM OF HIS DREAMS THAT HE DESERVED MORE THAN ANYTHING.
I AM A ZOMBIE, A CRYING MESS, AND WILL ALWAYS BE.

Love, Lisa

Mar 28, 2013
To Lisa from Vivien in England
by: Vivien

Good Morning again Lisa.

Yesterday I mentioned writing a letter to your husband, I know it sounds silly. You can make it a Love letter or a I'm cross with you letter.
Write it down as if you are really writing to him. think of all the things you want to say to him, good, loving and even angry things. It will make you cry whilst you are doing it but it will also release some stress and anger and sadness.

It does not make everything go away and things be fine again, because that will not be, your life has changed, so has mine.

Like I told you I have mine upstairs, I read them and they make me cry. Then I will write another one. I know it sounds a daft thing to do but it does make you feel closer to them and you can put personal things in the letter, what only you and your husband know about, you can put in things that you both have laughed about or have enjoyed doing. It does for the time of writing take your mind to different things and places. Please try it xx Take care

Mar 27, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

It has been 9 weeks today since I lost my husband and best friend to pancreatic/liver cancer. We were married 32 years and best friends since age 8.He was only 51 years old.How could this have happened? I died the day he did 1-23-13 at 11:50 pm.laying in my arms in the same bed we had shared since we were just 18 years old.Now I must try to sleep in that same bed. Sometimes it gives me comfort and sometimes it breaks my heart.He fought till his last breath and told me "DON'T WORRY BABY IT WILL BE OK'.Then he rolled over,looked at me with his big brown eyes and . there wasn't anything I could do. He was gone.We were both covered with blood but I just halt him and kept screaming "WAKE UP BABY" I know this is a horrible story but it is my life and the AWFUL fact of pancreatic cancer!!!! I just walk around crying and being angry at God.Nothing makes sense anymore.Panic attacks are a daily adventure.I question every decision I made. What did I do wrong? Why couldn't I help him? I am a nurse.I hold his picture and cry,telling him I'm sorry and asking him to please not be mad at me.I know he would not want me to be like this.I will continue to get up each day and "go through the motions"because I told him I would be OK.I had to release him,he was only fighting so hard for me.I couldn't stand to see him in so much pain.Being strong is the only choice I have. I AM LENNY'S WIFE AND I WILL MAKE HIM PROUD <3 I LOVE YOU MORE BABY <3

Mar 27, 2013
TRUE FRIENDS..WHERE?
by: Anonymous

since I lost my spouse to cancer, some friends promised to "keep track" and care about me.
Where are they now? GONE.

None of them even call to see if I will be alone for the upcoming religious holiday, Easter, which I and they celebrate; or for my birthday (I hate getting older, but i will be alone and my husband saw to it that was not the case in the over 4o years we spent our birthdays together.

Friends are ok, and then when they are done with our grief, they are NOT really true friends. True friends, call every day, make sure you're all right especially if they know how you are doing--lousy in my case.

Thanks for reading my comments. I am Alone, and they are gone. People are selfish, and when it happens to them, they will understand too LATE.

aNONYMOUS FOREVER

Mar 27, 2013
Jenny: So lonely, does the pain ever stop?
by: Liz to Jenny

Dear Jenny,

To answer your question, "Does the pain ever stop?" For me, going on almost 8 months of grieving for my husband who passed from the same illness your husband had, NO, MY PAIN HAS NOT STOPPED, AND I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE IT WILL STOP FOR ME UNTIL I DIE AND JOIN HIM.

I, too, last year went into a little mall, nd had a panic attack, cried at the cash register; walked out and couldnt wait to get home.

My home is my "safe" place where I have my husband's photo and obituary posted on my home page. I kiss him all day and I kiss him good-night every night.

I miss him holding my hand, driving me all over,
doing this and that around our house. I miss him everywhere I look, and no matter what I do, even if it's a major big deal, he's there on my mind, he never leaves.

We are broken, at least I should speak for myself--I am broken forever.

I hope you and I can stop crying for at least a few hours.

Love to you; I understand, I care. (My friends used to pay a lot more attention to me, now none of them have called to see if I will be alone for Easter and my birthday.) That's how people are.
Too bad for me; they are fortunate, but don't realize it or under this horrid pain.

Love, Liz

Mar 27, 2013
So hard
by: Dawn

Good morning everyone,

Another night has passed and my Mike is still not walking through the door of our house. It will be 6 weeks this Friday that he has been gone. I miss him so much and cry myself to sleep most nights. Some nights I'm okay but most I'm not. It is the little things that set me off....something I hear someone say or just driving without him. Right now i am angry and getting angrier each day. I'm mad at God for letting this happen, mad at everyone else who still has their husband and mad at myself for not doing more for him.

I too have grown children who live far away and have their own lives. In the beginning they were great about calling or texting me but not so much anymore. It is horrible to have to go through this alone.

Mar 27, 2013
Reply to Vivien, with my name 3/27/13
by: Lisa to Vivien

Dear Vivien,

So, you can write to me - my real name. Thank you for sharing the birthday stuff. Mine is April 1st, so I will be alone--my husband made all the birthdays we were together (46) special for me. He was only missing on 2--one at boot camp in the Army, and the other in Vietnam.
I will stay home on Easter, the day before and the day after (my birthday). I am used to it.

The few people in my family who were going to come for Easter, probably will not due to my brother-in-law's recent diagnosis of cancer. However, he has only gone to the doctors and has not started chemo or anything. He still goes to work.

It's ironic: the first holiday (Thanksgiving) after my husband passed, my sister and her family left me ALONE--I MENTIONED I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE, BUT I DIDN'T MEAN I WOULD WANT TO BE ALONE. I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE THEY DID NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, BUT THEY DID.

oN cHRISTMAS, THEY MADE ME TRAVEL ON CHRISTMAS EVE--SOMETHING I NEVER DID IN MY ENTIRE LIFE--BY BUS AND TRAIN, ETC. TO THEIR HOMES. MY SUITCASE WAS -- FOOLISHLY--FILLED WITH GIFTS FOR THEM. I WAS WARNED, NOT TO RUIN THEIR CHRISTMAS, OR I'D BE TOLD TO LEAVE! NICE. MY HUSBAND DID EVERYTHING FOR THEM AND THEIR KIDS WHO ARE GROWN UPS NOW.

So, I am used to all of this. I once had a big family, I have just myself to rely on. My husbnd must be so upset that I'll be alone again for a holiday and my birthday. He put up our last tree on December 23, 2011[--he said, "It's my last tree." And he was right.

Vivien, I can't see myself going on much longer. My heart hurts too much. I don't know where he is or if he remembers me. I feel hopeless.

I'm sorry, but that is me.
Love, Lisa

Mar 27, 2013
Hate my life
by: Nirmala

I resent everything and everybody, my mother came to live with me when my husband died. I am angry with him for putting me in this situation, I resent because she could come and stay with me only since my husband passed away. She had refused to come to my house warming party since at that time she decided people did not respect her, my husband was very angry with her at that time. He said she would come to our other house since it was convenient for her to go to the temple, now it is convenient since she can do anything she wants in my house. She is very self centered, my daughter and I lost weight since my husband died but she takes care of herself, she wants variety in food for every meal. I cannot take it anymore, she does not care about anybody it seems, my brother lives a few miles away and he has much younger kids, she is not attached to anybody, I fear she will live with me forever and I will die before her. She thinks if she gives me some money every month I should shut up and take care of her. The first she told my daughter when she lost her father at age 19 was you take care of me I will take care of you. I know I should not feel this way but since we are four siblings I want everybody to take care of her equally. My husband was only 50, it is very unfair I have to go through this. I did not deserve this.

Mar 27, 2013
Vanessa: Missing Your Husband who died suddenly
by: Liz

Dear Vanessa,

I am so sorry for what happened. I lost my dear husband 8 months ago (it will be the 8th month on the 29th of March); I can still not believe it.
His death, from pancreatic/liver cancer was a terrible one--he suffered a lot that last night in July. I shall never forget it, his illness, all the pain he went through, the chemo, etc.
A horrible nightmare that I want to wake up from.

I have no family, just a few of them left who come around sometimes. Other than that, no kids, no one. I don't want a pet, and I am told by friends to get one. No. Nothing will help me.
I miss my husband too much. I ask why did he get this cancer; he took care of himself, etc. Why?
He was 64...a young-looking, vibrant 64 with a positive attitude all through till the end.

I hate life now, I am like a robot. I don't go to work; just do what I have to: store, food shop, clean the house, pay bills, go to post office and occassional (waste of time) visits to my doctor. I have a lot of anxiety from his death, on top of the pain and sorrow and sadness and loneliness and also big-time Anger.

The anxiety has caused stomach pain, pulled out muscles, neck muscles tense, shoulder hurting now, and I know it's me-I'm tense, cry alot, every day. My body is a mess. My husband is probably upset that I am grieving so badly for him.

I want him to come home; that won't happen, so I wish I could follow him. A part of me died when he did; in fact, it started when I heard the terrible diagnosis-Stage 4. I knew in my heart it was a matter of time, but I did what I could for him, with him, with the chemo, etc. I look back and say, why bother with chemo that can't cure this terrible cancer--pancreatic cancer is one of the worst.

So, Vanessa, while I have sympathy and pain for you, I can't help because I can't help myself.
I will say this: beware of anxiety-it will really make you physically sick. I know.

Take care; I wish none of this were true and we both were writing on a cooking/recipe blog and not this blog for those of us in so much pain due to the loss of our spouses.

Love, Liz

Mar 27, 2013
Thank you for that Lisa
by: Vivien

Good Morning here Lisa.

I thank you so much for letting me know your name.

In reply to some of your post,

I sat on my own in February and cried all day. It was my Birthday I did not want any cards the ones I received I had torn up and spent the day sat next to the radiator in our house and cried, did not eat.

I understand very well that you do not want to celebrate, nor do I. When Raymond was diagnosed
I had just put up our Christmas Tree (I love Christmas) I do not know how I kept the tree up but at that time there was hope and when you have hope you have to continue.

My true feelings are I want to take out the tree and everything else and burn it in the garden but I will wait.

Do you write letters to your husband, I do and keep them in my bedroom. I tell him things that are happening, I tell him how sad I am, how I miss him. If you don't, just try it, tell him all sorts of things that are happening to and around you, about the house, your journey to the cemetary, people you have met. Write them every day or so they are just for you and your husband, they are personal between the two of you. Take care x


Mar 27, 2013
So lonely
by: Jenny

Does the pain ever stop? My husband diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (the same illness which also claimed my dad) we only found out a few days before that he had approx 10 days. He was on morphine and other meds so conversations were limited and not lucid. I sat with him and the night he died holding my hand. We never had the opportunity to discuss anything, and he was never one to talk about what to do if we ever had to face this. Since his death, I can't cope with anything. I rarely go out, I have married friends but I hate being the one alone. I sleep badly, eat badly, I know I'm not doing the right thing but I can't help it. Today I forced myself into going to the plaza but I had a panic attack and rushed back home. I felt like the unhappiest person there, I miss him so much, I miss my hand being in his, I miss everything about him. He always said to me that it was his job to look after me and he did. Will the tears ever stop.

Mar 26, 2013
Losing My Husband The Worse Thing That Ever Happened To Me
by: Vanessa

I lost my husband seven months ago. Not to a horrible accident or deadly cancer. Just suddenly. That was it. He was gone. Doctor said probably a massive heart attack. Wow. He was only 68, took care of himself, ate right and exercised.
I have been in shock since. I am 53. Our adult children all have made their lives in different cities after graduating from college and getting jobs.
I am in pain every day and don't know when it will go away. I have made vigorous efforts to stay in touch with all of our friends, visit my children and work like crazy at my job. It's just not the same.
I beat myself up anyway-thinking I that if I was near him I could have saved him. Unfortunately he died alone in a different part of the house-alone.
Should haves, would haves and could haves.
People tell me to get a pet. I dont want a pet. People tell me to get out and meet people. I dont want to meet people. I just want my husband back.
I feel like I am in a bad dream. I miss him so much.
I have no advice or words of wisdom to tell you.
I sympathize from the bottom of my heart.

Mar 26, 2013
Vivien, England UK: my reply, with name
by: Anonymous(with a name for you)

Dear Vivien,

I read your post to me about "guilt." I am so very sorry about what your dear Raymond went through, and you too, watching it all and both suffering physically and mentally. Your heart must have been torn out watching every moment once he was put on those machines.

My guilt comes from the fact that my husband was immediately diagnosed Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with metastises to liver, and it was reported (I read the reports from the CT scan from day one) that it was wrapped around his portal vein, smv, sma, etc. None of the oncologists or any of the gastro experts told me that. I read it because I had made the decision to take him to Johns Hopkins where I thought a famous surgeon could operate, even with the complications. Why did his oncologist make us to there when he knew it was inoperable due to the heart involvement?
Then, the new chemo: I had sought out a famous Dr. in NYC at Mt. Sinai. He said that this new chemo was targeted to "kill" my husband's particular tumors. After my husband began taking that "pill form" chemo, he started going down hill as far as feeling tired, and other reactions.
He went downhill in july of 2012, and there were many ER visits. I knew he was not the same when he could not speak well or correctly--he was a brilliant man, articulate, and when he wold me he could not make it downstairs any longer, I decided to bring in hospice. Three days after that, he passed away, only after stuggling for 5 hours, and it is too graphic to get into. But, I watched, tried to stay as calm as possible as the hospice nurse worked with the tragedy going on before our eyes. When I gave him "permission" to go to God, to my parents, and I told him I'd be OK, he stopped breathing. I died along with him.
Yes, I did. I am inconsolable. I speak to a counselor, a pastor, friends, but I miss him too much, and I am upset still and angry because he suffered so much, never got to fulfill his dreams for us, and he was VERY WORRIED ABOUT ME, HE TOLD EVERYONE SO.

Today, I visited him at the cemetery--difficult, but I had to leave flowers, etc., and a new American flag for my dear husband. I'm exhausted from the sadness today, everyday, and it was a long trip going and getting back.

I owe it to you now to tell you my name: It is Elisa (Lisa), I am called Lee by some people.
I will only share this with you. You care about me, I care about you. My prayer is that Raymond and my husband are with God in Heaven, well, and waiting for us to join them.

Thank you. A blessed Easter to you (if you celebrate that; I'm sorry if I'm mistaken).
I will not celebrate any holidays this year; maybe some year, but not now.

Elisa (Lisa) (Lee)

Mar 26, 2013
to anonymous?
by: Vivien

Good morning yet again.

Guilt is a big part of grieving. What you are feeling is normal. You reach different stages
of grief at different times.

I too made decisions about Raymond which heartbreakingly led to his death. I have felt guilty for my decisions. what choice do we have.
Do we agree to treatment and hope that they will recover and we can carry on loving each other for a few more years to come, or do we withold certain treatment and watch them suffer and break each others hearts in the process.

My husband had Lung cancer stage 4 metastises in his brain, 2 tumours.One had been operated on and he was great. The night the decision was made to put him on a breathing machine in intensive care, he had caught pneaumonia whilst in hospital and it was a very virilent strain. I stood and watched Raymond desperatley struggle to breath, even with a forced oxygen mask on. The antibiotics had not had a chance to work, so this was the choice to give him time. It gave him nearly 7 days of unconciousness, with multi organ failure. Everything switched off it took 2 mins
for him to leave me. A devastating decision.

Like I said I too feel very guilty to lose the love of my life, I hurt every day, as you do.
Raymond would be so upset if I did not carry on
with my life. Don't be afraid of going out and meeting people who do not know about your husband.
Talk to them, believe it or not, it does help a lot. Take care.



Mar 25, 2013
To Pat J, GreenBay, WI
by: Liz

Dear Pat, I know you wrote to a lot of the woman here, and then you left a long message for me, Liz, and I thank you.

I'm happy for you that your family takes you out on your wedding anniversary, and you all got together at the cemetery on the 1st anniversary.
What a wonderful family you have. I cannot say the same; they were (I believed, incorrectly) a wonderful family until their true colors showed when my husband became ill. No excuse from them is plausible, and I forgive their meanness, selfishness, but I don't want to bother with them.
God says to forgive, so I did. But that's it.

So, you got together with 4 other women and had a good laugh. I know, one day I caught myself laughing at something a friend had said, and she was happy. But I felt guilty.

I can only get to his grave every 2 weeks. He could have been buried in the Veterans' cemetery 5 minutes from here, but I wanted him close to my parents and godmother, where I knew I would be visiting all the time, and he wanted it that way.
He never cared about getting anything "free" from the service. He was just a loyal soldier who did as his country asked.

I do not get out much because when I do, I end up seeing people who didn't know he passed, and ask about him, and then I have to tell them that dreaded word, "dead," and I cry and tell the entire story. They say their sorry, give me their number or take mine, but they never call.
I have learned who is truly concerned and who is not.

Tomorrow, 3/26, I will make my long trip to the City to visit him and my parents and aunt, and I will leave the Easter flowers, etc. Big deal. I wish I could give him gifts in person, kiss him, and tell him how much he means to me in person.
I have to settle for talking to the headstone where his handsome picture is.

I was married 44 years, knew him 46 years, and since the day I met him, he was such a generous, caring person. He never played "games" while we dated like not calling. He was sincere till his last breath.

When I hear woman ridiculing their husbands in public, I get upset and I say to myself they don't realize how fortunate they are. I have no husband, and they do and perhaps don't deserve their husbands.

Easter Blessings to you and your family. Thanks for all your caring advice.
Liz

Mar 25, 2013
Jenny: So Alone
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

I answer everybody because I know what it is like not to get calls back lately from so-called family and friends: I suppose they are done with their sympathetic "favors" of checking up on me.

I, too, miss ironing my husband's dress shirts.
For many years, he took them to the cleaners, but they always starched the collars too much, so I started doing them, but he was a perfectionist, so I took my time, and I have to admit l shirt took me about 20 minutes or so!

So alone is how I feel also. Once I belonged to a big family, and had my dear husband; now, I'm alone. When my mother died, certain siblings went their own way; even though my husband was so good to them and their children, they didn't like another sister, and they were missing in action when he was so sick, and when he died. I am still in shock at their behavior toward him--he loved them, and they always showed love to him, but when things got bad, they didn't come around. No excuse--I don't care even if they were angry with (which they had no reason to be), why take it out on a dying man?

Easter is another day for me, every holiday since he passed: Thanksgiving first, then Christmas and New Year's, now Easter and my birthday--nothing any more. He made them special for 46 years, even when he was away in Vietnam, he sent my sister money orders to buy me birthday gifts and holiday gifts. What a guy.

I went to the doctor and told him I hold a lot of guilt inside--did I do the right thing about his chemo, or should I have studied more about alternative doctors? His pancreatic cancer was Stage 4 from the beginning, so why did they give him so much strong chemo. In the end, it weakened him more, etc., and didn't help.
Also, I still tear out my hair wondering why he got it in the first place--was it something that we missed and should have had blood tests done every year considering his exposure to Agent Orange? We never thought of that -- my husband got honorably discharged after his 13 months, and he went on with his life-working, etc., and never complained about the war or his duty.

Then, was it from a dentist's office where Hep B is prevalent? My doctor said that this guilt on top of my grief over losing my husband is going to do me in. He heard a murmur in my heart which I had, but he said it's louder now. So I have to go for a cardiogram. I admit, I have gotten nervous since his diagnosis, worse after he died, not eating right, can't sleep, cry every day, and feel lousy. It all affects my head, my physical being, etc. Mostly my heart hurts every second.

I just stay alone, which I never did all my life. now, I feel like I'm in a nightmare--ALONE, ME, MYSELF AND THAT'S IT. MY HUSBAND AND I DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER--THE ONLY I DO WITH HIM IS VISIT HIS GRAVE, LEAVE FLOWERS, CARDS, AND CRY.

GOD BLESS, Liz

Mar 25, 2013
To Vivien, England UK, WHY I DON'T GIVE MY NAME HERE...
by: Anonymous

Dear Vivien,

Thank you for your kind words.

First, why don't I give my name: Even though I write on this site, something very out of the ordinary for me, and also something I'd never thought I'd be part of, but my husband died, so here I am. Believe it or not, I'm a private person, but I feel I can pour my heart and head out on here with all you compassionate women.

Yes, I know everyone is hurting as bad as I am; however, I think I hurt and also feel guilty:
I was the one who said OK to his chemo, etc., when at Stage 4, all I read right after his diagnosis (sometimes in the middle of the night), I knew that chemo would not cure him, and it made him worse--weak, unable to eat, tired, and all the other reactions from the strong chemo he was getting because of pancreatic cancer that had metastisized to his liver, etc. The doctors knew it was diagnosed too late, but what do you do?
You try everything. My guilt also comes from I kept thinking (after reading a lot of junk on the internet) that perhaps he had this a long time from Viet nam, or even from me. I read that if you (which almost all woman get yeast (candida)infections -- I read that you can get cancer from candida. Now it's far fetched, but still my head allows all of this guilt to enter--what if I had chosen an alternative doctor for him; stopped the chemo, what if I gave him something when I had a sore throat, strep throat a long time ago?
I blame myself.

I am missing him too much, and I've been told it's time for psychiatric counseling. I am resisting it. Instead, I cry, work it through, cry more, and beat myself up. I feel sometimes that my husband died because the doctors should have done blood tests instead jumping to the conclusion that it was his disc again (4 years prior to all this he had minor disc (spine) surgery. We thought, with his symptoms of back ache, it was ready for another one. His surgeon agreed. Then all went wrong. He came home, could not eat a lot and his back still hurt. Then after blood tests, the shock. So, like he protected me from everything and people who may have hurt me; I tried to protect him. I feel I failed in so many ways.

I have managed 8 months miserably, and I cannot face another 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months, no less many years without him. Death has creeped into my psyche, I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm just too sad without him.

Anonymous for now.

Mar 25, 2013
Take Care of Yourself
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Barbara,Liz,Jenny,Nirmala, Doreen and everyone else on this site,
Yes, I am almost at the two year mark. It seems so much longer though and I miss my husband so very much.
June will be a difficult month for me. Our oldest grandaughter will be graduating from high school. On June 25th it will be 37 years since my mom died. June 26th would be our 48th wedding anniversary and June 27th it will be two years since Red died.
Last year the weekend before the one year mark I went up north for the weekend with my widow friends. Imagine 4 women together in a motel room. We shared so many secrets together and we actually laughed again. I never thought I would ever laugh again. At first I actually felt guilty for laughing; how could I laugh when the love of my life died. I am slowly learning to go on without him, but I will tell you, it isn't easy and I miss him everyday.
On our wedding anniversary one of our daughters and her husband and family took me out to dinner, where we usually went on our anniversary. I thought I would cry, but didn't. On his one year anniversary, all our children took off of work or after work joined me and the others for the day. I looked at everyone and told my husband what a lovely family we have and it is a tribute to his memory. I will always talk to our grandchildren about him. The youngest is going to be 7 next month. The grandchildren are 18, 13, 12, 11,11, 9,9, and 7. They all loved their Papa so much. I will always talk about him to anyone. If they don't want to hear about him, they can walk away.
Liz, for months after Red died, I wanted to die also. The cemetery where he is buried is 5 minutes away. For 6 months I visited his grave sometimes 3 times a day. I talked to him, telling him just his body rests here, that he will always live in my heart. I would tell him I am never going to say goodbye. I still feel his presence in our home. I still talk to him all the time and I will always carry him in my heart. I don't think I will ever really say goodbye to him. He was my life. Our adult children told me,"Mom you lived for Dad, now you need to live for yourself; easier said than done. I am living for my family, they lost their Dad and Papa; they sure don't need me to be gone also. I know in time, I will be, death is something we don't have a choice about, but only God knows when.
Please get out Liz, even if it just going for a walk, looking at the miracles of nature. I did alot of that, crying as I walked and talking to Red. He is watching over me and with God's guidance taking care of me. I have my personal angel, we all do.
My e-mail is patj@new.rr.com. Anyone can e-mail me. I find myself reaching out to anyone I know losing a spouse. I am told that is part of the healing process, reaching out to others also hurting.
I sure don't have the answers, but I am a good listener. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't think this wound will ever go away completely.

Mar 25, 2013
ANGRY, AND WILL NOT GET OVER IT
by: Anonymous

don't any one of you get angry?

I am angry; angry that my husband got so sick, why? angry he isn't here any more. angry not to see him enjoy life again here with me.
angry, not at God, but at whatever the mystery it is that people get sick, or killed, or just die.
angry at being alone, angry that he suffered so much and didn't get to live out his dreams and plans that he deserved working hard his life, coming from a divorced family, being on his own, makeing his own way, going to Vietnam and not complaining, just moving on, and working hard. for what? He's dead now, and not with me in our home together where he belongs at least for another 10 or 20 years.

I am so angry I feel like just figuring out how to die too.

don't you get angry?

Anonymous and angry at this changed, miserable life. I hurt for my husband who didn't want to go from me.
Anonymous

Mar 25, 2013
Nirmala: I guess there is a purpose for living in this world
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I am glad you can get your car issues taken care of.

For me, there is no purpose to live; I just exist without my husband. I'm lonely, alone, and really have no reason to wake up. Each day, it seems worse.

Liz

Mar 25, 2013
To: Pat J. Green Bay, WI Lives forever changed
by: Liz

Pat,

I'm glad that you are close with your husband's family and they took you to the new parish, and that you spoke with the priest who ministered to you and Red during his illness and afterward.

I am not where you are: I'm going on 8 months into this, and I feel worse than the day my husband died. I've allowed my body to break down.
I stayed in the house, in and out of bed on Palm Sunday, and did not go to Mass. I couldn't do it--too sick, too upset, too tired, and just could not face people.

My head swirls so much each minute; and when I am in bed, my muscles jump, I get cold feelings inside me and my stomach is constantly giving me problems, not to mention a swoosh feeling in my head when I try to relax. I'm a wreck since he died.

I have to try to make the trip to the cemetery which quite far from me--my husband is buried 3 hours away, and I won't drive there alone, so I take a long bus, train, and another bus trip, then I walk through the cold cemetery to visit him, my parents and my aunt. That's why I buried him there--I knew I'd be going there to visit him.

I WILL NEVER, EVER WANT OR EVEN DATE ANOTHER MAN. NO ONE COULD BE LIKE MY HUSBAND IN EVERY ASPECT.
I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I WILL GO ON ALONE FOR AS LONG AS I CAN, BUT I DON'T THINK IT WILL BE MUCH LONGER. SOMETIMES I TRY TO THINK OF HOW I COULD JUST DIE.

I will be alone on Easter and for my birthday--2 more days that he made special, now no more of them ever. My family can't come--my brother-in-law will probably start chemo soon, he was just diagnosed with cancer.

I hope you stay strong; I don't think I'll ever get there. I'm just that way, and I miss my husband too much to see me not in pain.
For me, this will last till I die, too.

Liz

Mar 25, 2013
For you anonymous
by: Vivien

It is Good Morning here in England UK.
Why do you not give your name as a start to getting some relief from your grieving. It would be nice to see your name and when anyone wants to send you a few words, they can write to you using your name.

As you say you understand how everyone feels but say you are not the same. You grieve the same as everyone on this site and I would think that many people on this site have had thoughts of not wanting to live or carry on because of their loss.

Your husband would want you to carry on and be strong and happy. He would not like to think you had the unhappy thoughts you have.

I lost my husband 7 weeks ago I cry everyday,then, pick myself up and think how sad he would be if he could see me so upset.

I fill my mind with happy memories of him, I smile at photographs of him, I try very hard to block the sadness out, it works for a while then it come back and I start again.

I had been with my husband 43 yrs.

It is not easy.

You were given a life enjoy it, you can still enjoy your life only in a different way. He will still be by your side somewhere.

It does not mean that you love your husband any less or miss him less.xx

Mar 24, 2013
So alone
by: Jenny

Dear Liz, what a lovely compassionate lady you are, all the ladies here are so wonderful so sad it takes a tragedy in our lives that bonds us together. most of the time i have felt like i was crazy but after reading all your posts i feel a little relief that maybe im not. my husband who had never been ill in his life was also diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died in 10 weeks. that was 3 years ago and time has not healed . we lived for each other, we enjoyed the simple things in life as long as we were together. a girl friend told me that was a mistake that i should have been more independent. i miss everything about him, friends have laughed when i said i even missed ironing his shirts. i wish i was better with words but i think you all understand. they say the deeper the love the deeper the hurt, i know that is true. i will love him forever.i

Mar 24, 2013
Lives Forever Changed
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Hi Everyone,
I just got home, I left at 7:30a.m.
Yes, it is Palm Sunday. I went to mass last night with one of my husbands sisters and her fiance. They took me to the new parish our priest was transfered to. He went to college with my sister-in-laws fiance. This priest was so awesome to all of us during Reds' illness and after his unexpected death. He was still concerned about my well-being.
This morning I again went to mass at 8 o'clock. I have never been to church as much as since my husbands death, but I find such peace there. After mass, my widow friends from the grief support group, were all at mass, and we went for breakfast. It was great being with them, but they all seem to be so much further in finding their new normal. They talk about new relationships, as one of them is involved with another man. I just don't see myself ever being there. They tell me I need to let go of my husband. I just can't do that. Maybe my relationship with him was so different from theirs. I still have a close relationship with his siblings and do things with them. They are always there for me and my widow friends tell me I need to move on. I thought they understood me and to a point they do, but Red was the only man I had and I can't imagine at 66 being with anyone else. I am always going to keep in touch with his family. I feel a little confused today.
I stopped at my youngest daughters home and my oldest daughters home afterward. I talked with both of them, about my breakfast conversation. They both told me,"Mom, you are doing so good". I don't always feel that way, but I look back at the last 22 months, though it seemes so much longer, aand feel I have come a long way. Red and I were married 46 years. I was with him since the age of 15, that's a long time to be with someone. I guess I just really feel I don't have the need for another man. I want my husband not just another man. I know there are some women who just need a man in there life. I am not one of them.
ONE DAY AT A TIME AND I PROBABLY WILL ALWAY BE ON THIS SITE UNTIL MY GOD CALLS ME TO JOIN MY HUSBAND.

Mar 24, 2013
I guess there is a purpose for being in this worls
by: Nirmala

I have this strange feeling I can feel my husband around, since yesterday morning and last night I had many dreams in which he was alive. I am hoping there is a purpose for being alive. With my car I am not too worried, it is just that every small thing I do it is like I keep thinking to before his death. My tire had a puncture, this was when he was still alive, I realized there was a problem and he was going to a place where he could take care od the tire and instead of him taking the new car he had bought for me I requested him to take my old car and get the job done. Thank God I am not a shy person I will be able to talk to anybody I need to. Even though my husband showed me how to put air in the tires, I don't think I will feel comfortable doing it. I take it to this place and too far and since they are not too busy in the morning, I tip them to do it for me. Maybe when my son is older, he will take care of it for me. I really wish my husband could have lived at least another 10 years. Why would he die so young, the medical examiner and the funeral director both mention, he hardly had any grey hair, he used to make fun telling he just gives them to me.

Mar 24, 2013
TO EVERYONE ON HERE..
by: Anonymous

DEAR EVERYONE,

I RELATE TO EACH ONE OF YOU, YOUR PAIN, YOUR FEELINGS, ALL OF IT. I AM DIFFRENT THOUGH:

I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE; AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACCOMPLISH THAT BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I WILL END UP IN HELL, BUT MOST OF ALL, I WILL NEVER SEE GOD WHO GAVE ME LIFE, AND OF COURSE, I WILL NOT BE REUNITED WITH MY HUSBAND, IF THERE IS SUCH A THING. NONE OF US KNOW ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH FOR SURE.

I AM NOT GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND, AND I AM TOO SCARED WTHOUT HIM, SAD, AND ISOLATED. MY FAMILY ISN'T CARING, LIKE I AM OR LIKE HE WAS; AND MY FRIENDS SEEM TO BE PRETENDING THEY CARE--I CAN'T REALLY READ THEM RIGHT. ONE DAY, THEY SOUND SINCERE, THE NEXT THEY SOUND JUST LIKE THEY FEEL OBLIGATED TO CALL NOW AND THEN. THEY HAVE PROMISED TO VISIT, TO HELP ME WITH THINGS, BUT THEN THEY HAVE AN EXCUSE.

I'M TRULY ALONE, LOST, CONFUSED. UNTIL I GET MY LEGAL PAPERS IN ORDER, I WON'T BE SO WORRIED ABOUT THROWING AWAY MY HOUSE THAT MY HUSBAND LOVED AND FIXED SO NICE, AND ALL THE MONEY HE SAVED FOR ME SO I WOULD BE OK.

I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO IT--I DEFINITELY NEVER HAD A GUN, I AM AFRAID PILLS WON'T WORK AND LEAVE ME HOOKED UP LIKE AN INVALID TO A MACHINE, AND THEN THE MONEY WILL GO TO AN INSTITUTION WHERE THEY WOULD KEEP ME UNTIL I DIE.

I DON'T MEAN TO ALARM ANYONE, AND I WILL NOT DO IT, BUT DON'T ANY OF YOU EVER JUST WANT TO GO WHERE HEAVEN IS?

I FEEL YOUR PAIN, AND I AM ANGRY THAT I HAD TO EVEN FND THIS WEB SITE AND BE ANOTHER STATISTIC WRITIG HERE. MY HUSBAND AND I THOUGHT WE'D BE TOGETHER IN OUR 80'S. LIFE IS DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT, RUINED, AND NOTHING TO ME.

ANY WORDS OR REASONS WHY I SHOULD GO ON?
ANONYMOUS

Mar 24, 2013
To: Pat J, Green Bay, WI - Life Never The same...
by: Liz

Dear Pat,

No, our lives are forever changed, with aching hearts, longing for our husbands to come back and everything to be back the way it was, and a lot of loneliness and pain, especially around holidays, birthdays, everyday.

I had same trouble with my car 2 weeks ago. It as the salt underneath--had it washed. Went to a crappy car wash (my husband liked a special one, but I'm too afraid to drive there, may get lost).

I, too, worry about every noise, air in the tires, oil, and many things in my house. I don't know how to check the underground oil gauge, so I never really am sure when I am almost out of heating oil. He did everything, tried to teach me. Sometimes I watched, but even if I try to touch-up paint, I get more paint on the floor and my hands and not where I wanted it to go.
I break things because I am so nervous, distracted: I'm always thinking about him, wanting him to come home. I also get angry almost every day. We all know we are not the only woman who have lost their husbands, but each one of us has our own story, memories, special husband, relationship, etc., and we can't explain it. For me, it would be nice to have someone willing to listen about him, but no one cares any more. My friends call less often, and don't care that I'm home alone on holidys. They invite me over, but they know I won't go. They promise to help me with this and that, then never bring itup.
For me, the only trustworthy friend was my husband, and he is gone, and I can't believe he is dead. Some days, I don't want to believe it.
I can't believe he is not here in the house, at work, in his car, sleeping, eating, etc.
I hate life without him.

I hope you get the car noise resolved. ONce this snow clears up, and it finally gets to a real spring, I have to deal with many, many things outside that he used to take care of so perfectly. Now I have to hire men to do it, and the few I have interviewed don't look too smart, and I think they will not have the pride in the work as my husband had. That's my tough luck; he's gone, and I have to deal with this now.

Pat, do you think they know how much we are hurting and missing them, and what we go through?
I mess a lot of things up in the house trying to do things I know nothing about. Do you think our husbands see us and feel our pain and know we miss them?

Take care,
Liz

Mar 24, 2013
Jenny: Always Alone, Me, Too...
by: Liz

Dear Jenny,

This is the first post I saw from you. I began writing here after my husband past away last Summer.

I stay secluded in my house unless I have to shop for food, or pay bills, or mail things.
Life, without him, is torture, and I don't know how to go on. In the beginning friends called all the time; now they are not calling much; and busy with their children home for spring break, etc.

palm Sunday--I sit in jogging clothes, cook myself a meal, and cry and stay alone. I have no children, so I feel lost, very lost. My husband and I did everything together. We were married 44 years, knew each other 46years.

We used to go to the cemetery together to visit all our loved ones there; but nowI have to go there with tears, shaking, to visit himthere too.
I can't explain the hollow, empty, lonely feeling I have. Sometimes I wonder why my heart hasn't given out from being so broken. My face used to look young for my age, but now, black circles, and always tear soaked.

How do we go on? I miss him too much. I hate life now.

I wish I could be of help; but I am in too much pain, but I do like to write to people who take thetime to write on here. I feel they are as lonely as Iam and they go to this spot to fill up some time. That's what I do. I never thought I'd be doing this. He died young, unexpectedly, and I hate the turn my life has taken. I wonder about him every second. Where is He? Is he OK?
Is there a Heaven? Will I see him again?
Why can't he come home?
That's my life--life like a robot. Just existing, and hurting so much.

God bless, and if Easter is your holiday, I know you will be upset as I am on every holiday or birthday that comes up.

Liz

Mar 24, 2013
To: Nirmala, re: Oil Change on your car...
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Don't cry about the oil change. Listen, this happened to me after my husband died:

My tire in front kept losing air: it said it on my dashboard-low pressure. I was driving, and I panicked. I went into the Sunoco gas station, and there was a man filling up his car with gas; I began to tell him my tire problem, and I cried and told him my husband died. He filled up the tire with air, used his own quarters for the machine, and that was it.

If you go to your gas station nearby, or to the car dealer who sells your type of car, tell them what happend; they may check the oil and do the oil change for nothing, or you can pay them in payments. I NEVER REALIZED HOW NICE PEOPLE ARE WHEN THEY HEAR ABOUT OUR LOSS. TRY IT. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. I WAS EMBARRASSED AT FIRST, BUT NOW I LEARNED TO ASK FOR HELP.

My car is new (my husband leased it 3 months before he died), not knowing he was going to die; and I drive it so infrequently; so my service hasn't even shown up on the dashboard. I will take it in anyway soon to have the oil checked, tires, etc., but only pay for that.

I, too, am scared because my husband took care of it. Every time somethng goes wrong in my house, I cry more for him. He did it all, and I don't know how. I am really alone. I feel like an orphan with no one. I have no children, and my sister is now busy with her sick husband, and so is my niece and nephew. Now, I am alone, and they will not be able to bother with me.
For Easter, I will stay in the house, just as I did for the other holidays since he's gone. My birthday is April 1, and there will be no flowers, no cake, and no husband to hold me.

Life is disgusting, miserable, and I don't know why I even bother to go on.

I hope you are doing better than me. At least you have your children and relatives.

Take care. I'm home alone, in this house again, as everyone celebrates Sunday (Palm sunday) in our religion. Then Easter, next week: ALONE.

Take care, Liz

Mar 24, 2013
Car trouble
by: Nirmala

My car oil change was done by my husband on 11/02/12 on my birthday, now I need another change I am so scared to even think about it, I know I will cry. He also did tire maintenance for me, the last time he wanted me take it in, telling me I should learn how to take care of my own car. I sometimes wonder if he knew, he definitely trained me very good with my driving, I am a good driver today only because of him. Pat, just like you mentioned I have started faking my well being, I intentionally smile in front of my brother. My brother was hospitalized since my husband died due to a panic attack.

Mar 24, 2013
Lonely without
by: Jenny

My husband of almost 50 years marriage died suddenly 3 years ago, we had known each other since our teens. The pain of his loss is never ending, he was such a beautiful man.. I've become anti social because no one understands the pain and loss that I feel, most of my days and nights I spend crying, sometimes I only get up to feed our little dog who is my constant companion. We promise in our wedding vows "until death do us part" but I think we don't realise how much pain and sorrow it causes, it's never ending. My love to all the ladies who are suffering the loss of their husbands.

Mar 23, 2013
Life Never the Same
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Liz,
After losing our husband our life is never the same. Next week, the 27th, it will be 22 months my husband died. I still have this ache in my heart when I mention his name. I still miss him just as much if not more. I have adult children to come to help me if it isn't something I can deal with myself, especially car issues. My husband was an amazing maxhanic. I never had to deal with car problems. With all the snow we've had this winter, my car is making this sound when I gradually brake. It isn't my brakes had them checked. One of my son-in-lawas told me it was my bushings from all the salt on the roads. When he said that, it sounded so familiar because a few years ago, I had the same problem, Red knew what it was, the bushings and he lubricated them and the noise went away. One of my sons lubricated, he said, everywhere under the car, but the sound is still there. I am waiting for nice weather and I am going to take my car to a car wash and have an under-carriage wash. My son-in-law told me that should take car of it. I don't want to wste a car wash, now. But I hate the sound and every time I hear it, I tell Red I sure wish he was here to take care of things. I am getting tears just writing about it. So, to answer your question, No it doesn't get eassier or better. We just have to learn to live without them.
Today is another grandchilds birthday party that I have to go without him, put on this happy face and fake it until hopefully one day I won't have to fake it.
I live one day at a time and ask God to carry me. Hang in there, we are all strong women. No, this isn't an easy journey, but thank God for this site.

Mar 22, 2013
To: Nirmala 3/23/13
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I know how you feel. I hope you get find a job; and I hope that you can move to Florida and be with your sister.

I have to stay here; and now I don't have my brother-in-law or sister to count on because they will start the whole thing which the chemo, radiation, then perhaps surgery for his cancer. So, I cannot ask them for anything regarding coming to see me, or help around here. Not that I ever ask anyone for help.

I am very alone and miserable without my husband. Every second, I think about him and he is not here and never will be again. I get scared, too, very scared. I am not used to being alone; I never thought that it would be just me.
I had a big family--many of them parted ways after my mother died; and now who I have left are left with their own bad situation to deal with.

I am not strong; my heart is so weak and sad; and my body is weak and I don't know where to turn to.
I have to go to that funeral which will be held where I had my husband's funeral, and I do not know how I will walk into that building. I'm afraid I will not be able to do it, and go into the same room where his body was laid out. I will probably ending up not going, or going and getting very sick.

My life has change so drastically I see no point in going on this way. It is a miserable, alone life with sorrow that will not end for me. I will NEVER, NEVER EVEN THINK OF RE-MARRYING OR EVEN DATING ANY ONE ELSE.

I hope God will help me somehow.

Liz

Mar 22, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

Life is very tough, like Pat said I am really faking it for now so that people around me do not realize how desperate I feel at times. Sometimes I am sick of being a strong person, most everybody was telling me I was a strong person so I will pull through. So if I was not a strong person maybe God would not have made me a widow at age 49, what a life. Some people have suggested maybe I will meet another guy and move on, I would not mind making friends but I do not want another guy in my life. Hopefully once the kids move out I will be able to move closer to my sister, she now lives in Florida. That way I will not feel so desperate, it all depends on whether my brother in law will be ok with that. I need to wait for social security but for now I need to get a job just to get medical insurance, unfortunately it is not easy to get a librarian job.

Mar 21, 2013
To: Nirmala 3/22/13
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Thanks for your sorrow about my brother-in-law. My poor niece has not called me, I guess because she just cries and cries. She is very close to her father. I will not tell the family this, but from what I know about this cancer, he doesn't have a good prognosis; but I PRAY TO GOD THAT HE WILL BE THE EXCEPTION AND GET WELL.

yESTERDAY, Wednesday, I found out more bad news: my neighbor whom I used to see every morning walking his dog for 12 years when I used to go out very early in the morning to jog, he now has lung cancer and is dying. All this sorrow is overwhelming me more each day.

I am never going to get used to not having my husband here.

I do not know how to do Yoga, I used to walked 2 times a day for about 3 miles, but that was before my Mom died, and then my husband.
I have no incentive or energy to do anything except take care of my house, buy food, pay bills, and then do it all like a mechanical person.

My entire personality is gone; I am just living day to day like a nothing. I miss him too much, and I don't know how I will survive much longer.
My heart hurts too much.

The doctor hopefully will have an open mind and not send me home with a prescription--I hate pills, and I need them to build up my immune system, to see my entire problem. I need a holitic doctor, but there are none here where I live.

So, another day, another hundred or more tears.
Too much sadness for me; and now my niece has to suffer. She hasn't called me, maybe she can't talk without crying.

I'll write soon. Hope you can get something for your anemia.
Regards,
Liz

Mar 21, 2013
"I Understand" - Pat J. Wisconsin
by: Liz

Dear Pat,

Thank you for your long message in response to my feeling so distraught, sad and on top of it-plain sick and weak and I have no desire to do anything.
I keep my house immaculate, but like a robot. I used to clean, cook, with joy because I knew at the end of the day my husband would be home. Now, it is the most loneliness feeling; at times I do not trust myself.

With my brother-in-law now being diagnosed with cancer at age 56, it is bringing me down more and more. Just like with my husband, no one would have thought that such a horrible illness would "rob" him of his will to live with many plans, things to do, see, and love. Now, my sister faces it. I don't tell her, but I know his prognosis is not good at all.

Yesterday I found out that my neighbor is dying of lung cancer. So, it has been a week of one tragic piece of news after another, and it all makes me feel like why am I here; everything is changing, going away, what once was a big happy family is dwindling by death sentences from cancer.

I'm going out only to go to the store; that's the extent of my outings--store, post office, pharmacy, and an occassional doctor's visit.
It has been a brutal Winter, but who cares? I don't look forward to Spring and having to hire many people to do what my husband did and enjoyed doing it, with so pride in his heart and he was a perfectionist, but not fanatically so.

I miss him, I don't know how long I can take this life without him, or how.

I don't go to therapy or group sessions; I just can't.

Thank you again.
Love, blessings, Liz

Mar 20, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

I was sorry to hear about your brother in law. You need to take care of yourself. I have realized I cannot let myself go. I think I am anemic and I do not have medical insurance right now, I can ask my sister in law to give me a prescription for a blood test, but I need to improve my diet, I have started eating two decent meals. Hopefully everything improves, I see my daughter is constantly watching me to make sure I am ok. Please consider doing yoga it relaxes you tremendously. I am not ready to exercise yet, but for now I am quite active with my two dogs.

Mar 20, 2013
I Understand
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Liz,
You are going through alot of stress and your resistance is low.
The week before Christmas I started to get sick. I thought it was just my allergies kicking in again; suffy nose, sinus drainage and scratchy throat. I took Sudafed and Tylenol and things improved, but I still had this cough and hoarseness in my voice. Then in the middle of January it all started up again. I took the same medication, only this time things just kept getting worse. I finally gave in and called my doctor. I didn't want to waste money, afraid she would only say it was a virus and there would be nothing she could do. Well it turned out I had now a severe sinus infection and one of my lungs was being affected. She informed me with all the stress I was going through, my resistance was very low. I lost my husband June 27, 2011. This year on my birthday, which was January 5th, one of my girlfriends died from liver cancer and three days later I lost an Aunt who was only nine years younger than me, from congestive heart failure. My doctor told me to pamper myself and get plenty of rest and to make surer I ate. I told her I didn't really have an appetite, but she stressed I needed to eat. I was given an antibiotic and an inhailer. It was amazing how fast I bounced back. We sometimes just have to give in and really start taking care of ourselves.
Losing our husband is a life-shattering experience. We don't realize just how much we depended on them, until they are no longer here.
I joined a grief support group and that was what I really needed after my husbands death. Being with other widows who really understood. Only those of us who have lost our husband can relate to us. They get it; they truly understand.
Liz, this is an awful journey. Everyone tells me how well I am doing. I look good on the outside, but I am still crying on the in side. I don't think we ever really get over the loss of our husbands, we just learn how to live without them.
Take it easy on yourself, one day at a time. I used to say,"I am faking it, until I make it". I am making it, but it is a slow process. It surely isn't the life I expected, but it is my life and my husband would want me to go on as would all our husbands.
God Bless You. Our loving God will help us get through this part of our life.

Mar 20, 2013
Nirmala: Very bad yesterday, and today
by: Liz

Nirmala,

Yesterday was a bad one causing me more grief, and I feel helpless because my husband isn't here to help me.

Found out that my brother-in-law was diagnosed yesterday with cancer. My niece/god daughter, called me with the bad news, she was crying. I am very close to her and her brother, the daughter and son of my brother-in-law.

This hurts, it reminds me when I heard my husband's diagnosis; and I feel helpless. If my husband were here, he would have taken off the day to drive me there and be with them. I do not drive long-distances--too afraid and nervous.

Everything is coming back: on top of my pain for my husband, now I have this emotion to deal with.
I ask what is going on? No wonder I feel sick; but I have no faith in my personal care dr because he will probably send me to another referral and so on. I don't know if it is my nerves, but since I had a cold 8 weeks ago and took the antibiotic (z-pack), I have had on and off an itchy scratchy throat. I feel my immune system is dragged down and maybe it is candida all over my body. But the regular doctors don't believe in candida--they don't believe it can cause so many symptoms.

Life for me is one big sadness, stress, and feeling that without my husband I can't do anything alone. Everything is falling apart.

I'm sorry for such a bad post.
Liz

Mar 18, 2013
reply to NIRMALA 3/18/13
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I read your recent post, and I am happy for you that your friend came to stay with you. Also, I am happy for your children's accomplishments.
Your husband is at peace no matter which way he felt at his time he left.

You are truly blessed. Once, I was too, but my family--most of them have not bothered to worry or care about me alone now. Some friends have stopped calling--they think I'm OK and it's over for their part to bother.

I had a lousy weekend, alone, it was just me, and everyone was too busy to call. I don't know how I get through the days. This morning, I was at the grocery store early to avoid many people and to get out of there as soon as possible.

People tell me to get out, volunteer, get a job--well, if I feel so depressed, and on top of that sick, with not figuring out what it is, how can I want to go out. For what, to just roam around like a robot?

I plan to go my doctor this week. Next week, before Easter Sunday, I will take the long trip to visit my husband's grave, my parents' grave, and my aunt's grave--all at the same cemetery in the city--a long trip for me, but I always make it OK even though I think I can't due to my pain in my heart and feeling week, etc.

I hope you continue to feel better, and may God bless us all, and help us. I ask him nd my husband every day what to do. For, I cannot decide what or how to do what is intended for my future--live like this is too harsh and difficult for me.

Liz

Mar 18, 2013
Liz, Debbie, Dawn, Pat and all other widows that hate the word
by: Nirmala

Days have become longer, hopefully there is some hope for all of us. I have been a little lucky, a very close friend has come to stay with with for a few days, she lost her husband more than three years ago, she is one person I can share my innermost feelings with. She is a physician and has been able to help me deal with my thoughts of how my husband might have died in the end. I have been blessed with two sisters, a sister in law and a couple of very good friends that let me talk. I want to pick up the pieces for my kids sake. My daughter is studying psychology and she has been watching me constantly. My son has been accepted in a few good colleges, my husband wanted to send him away for college but he will be commuting from home. First I thought Sandy was so bad, we did not have electricity for over two weeks during which time my daughter's best friend had to have brain surgery and then my husband drops dead without any warning or good byes. In all this trouble my son still managed to complete his SAT and college application process, my goal in life now is to make sure the two of them will make their beloved father proud. He would not stop talking about them. I just got the picture of the three of us he had kept in his office, I don't even know why he did keep a picture of the four of us. Now it is only three of us.

Mar 17, 2013
ALONE, EVERYTHING IS QUIET, NO ONE CALLS
by: Anonymous

alone on a sunday, all day. no phone ringing, everyone is too busy with their activities, families.

you and i didn't care when we were alone on a sunday--we relaxed, except when we had to work outside in the yard, or go out somewhere.

alone, that's me now. you are gone, and i have no one to call, no one to speak to, no one to eat dinner with, no one to ask if he wants a cup of coffee, something to eat, a kiss?

alone, it is so quiet here, i can hear a pin drop. everything is still; there is no life here, i'm barely alive, like a robot and i wait for night to come so i can sleep for a few hours and not cry for you, long for you, miss you, and thnk about what you and i would be doing, sayhing here today on a quiet sunday, but too quiet for me-alone.

no one understands; no one calls, no one wants to fill my day. who cares? I WONDER IF YOU SEE HOW ALONE I AM; NO DOUBT YOU WORRIED ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU WERE SICK--ME ALONE, YOU KNEW I DID NOT HAVE A COMFORTING FAMILY, AND I DID NOT HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS WHO'D CALL EVERY DAY ONCE YOU WERE GONE.

alone, that is what i will always be even if anyone comes here, calls, or if i am out in a crowded street, grocery store, i go nowhere else.
alone, me, myself and i. you, i hope are surrounded with people and love in heaven. so, i will suffer alone, as long as you are well now and happy. keep a place for me in your heart, and when i join you, please be there with open arms to greet your alone wife.

i love you so much, and without you, i'm alone.

e

Mar 17, 2013
Please Help Me
by: Anonymous EM

Can someone here help me, please?

I not only suffer from tremendous grief due to my husband dying, I also have many symptoms from alllowing my immune system to collapse, and I have digestive disorders, all types, itchy throat, tingling in my right thigh, depression, anxiety, stomach aches, can't sleep through the night--up every hour or so. Suicidal thoughts.
I know you get symptoms from deep grief, but this started before he died, before he was diagnosed and then ill.

DOES anyone KNOW OF A GOOD HOMEOPATHIC DOCTOR WHO TREATS CANDIDIASIS THAT IS CAUSED BY A BROKEN IMMUNE SYSTEM? I LIVE IN ORANGE COUNTY, NEW YORK, AREA.

PLEASE, IF YOU KNOW WHO CAN HELP ME WITH ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS WHICH I BELIEVE ARE FROM AN OVERGROWTH OF CANDIDA, TELL ME HERE.

I MISS MY HUSBAND, HE WOULD BE TAKING ME FROM DR. TO DR. TO GET HELP, BUT HE IS GONE. MY GRIEF IS OVERWHELMING, AND FEELING SICK MAKES ME STAY ISOLATED, ETC.

PLEASE HELP ME.
THANK YOU.
ANONYMOUS EM

Mar 17, 2013
God Will Show Us The Way
by: Elisa

To all who grieve, as I do:

God has had a plan from the time He created us, the very second we were His creation: He knew our entire lives from birth to death. While we do not understand and question why we go through pain, sin, heartache, mis-guided beliefs, troubles, sickness, misunderstandings, arguments, bad habits, revenge, anger, blaming others, blaming ourselves, feeling alone, hurt, lonely, not trusted, pushed to do things we don't want to do and can't understand why we do or did them; changes, accidents, worries, problems, relationship problems, not trusting, and most of all grieving to the point of wanting not to go on, I am desperately trying to listen to God who is only good, did not cause anything bad in our lives; but wants us to make it back home to him, to heaven. We may have been angry with him for the death of our spouses or other loved ones; we may have questioned why He'd "do this" to them, to us", but I am truly trying to trust that He knows what and why these things happen, and when we get to be held in His arms when we too die, we will know the answers to all of the things we have done, endured, and lived through in this life.

I am passing along this message because it is me announcing to God that I seek his love, his understanding, his forgiveness for me wanting to die because my husband died; being angry at Him, and also feeling that I can't take pain, sickness, or anything. I desire that God will show me the way through this anguish, grief, through forgiving myself for my sins, for my shortcomings; and seek His salvation, love, and his gift of eternal life that I pray my husband, my parents, all my loved ones who have died have found in God's home.

God, please love me, help me to love you the right way, not just because I fear death and the unknown. Help me believe in You, your love, Heaven, and life everlasting that you gave to us through Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and that we may have everlasting life because of Your love that you gave your son for us.

This isn't easy, not for me, not for you, not for any of living; however, God will help us find the right way. I am not a preacher, I'm just me, a human being, trying now to find my way to God.
I miss my husband, but I will be reunited with him if I live my life according to God's love for me. Thank you God for getting me on the right road back to salvation, belief, and love.

Elisa

Mar 16, 2013
I HATE LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND, AND WANT TO GO TO HIM
by: Anonymous

I am very distraught today; there are days andnights that I get like this: sick to my stomach, other pains, and a feeling of despair, and I don't feel right: it's all stress from so much crying and screaming. I am begging God to send my husband back from death. I can't take it that he died; and I really want to die too if only I knew how to. I'm afraid to do it becaise I am afraid that it will get messed up and I'll end up in a hospital with machines, or 1/2 a brain, or disabilities for the rest of my life and throw away all he worked for. Then, too, it is a sin against God who gave us life.

I am so desperate to get my husband back, that I'd rather take a chance and just try to join him.
What if there is no "him" no heaven, like we are told: oh you will see your loved one and be reunied. I'd rather see him bak here where he belongs. Why did he have to get cancer and die?
Why do other people survive it, and as strong as he was he didn't? I can't live with the idea that he is gone from Earth, gone from our house, from me, from breathing. living, eating, walking, seeing, loving, laughing, driving, working, and doing everything we are left to do without him.
I HATE MY LIFE, AND I WISH I COULD JUST GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT AND I'D NEVER WAKE UP EXCEPT TO WAKE UP NEXT TO HIM.


Mar 15, 2013
Dawn: Sadness, Sad
by: Liz

Dear Dawn,

I read your two posts starting from February 14th and 15th when your husand wad diagnosed with lung cancer; and then March 15th, one month after his death -- each anniversary of us losing our husbands is worse, (in my opinion) than the others. I am going on 7 1/2 months, and still can't get it in my head that he is gone and not coming back; many times I pretend he will return.

Your husband Mike knew you loved him; I'm glad you had a chance to tell him. When my husband was dying, in our home (I had brought in the hospice nurses about 2 days before he died because I knew he was failing too much, and I thought I needed hospice at that point even though it was admitting to myself and him he'd die soon. I didn't want him to have them here, but he really knew he didn't have a chance any more with his Stage 4 cancer.
He never got to say I love toward the end because he couldn't talk, but I asked him this, "Babe, if you love me squeeze my hand, and he squeezed it so tight--I tld the hospice nurse and she saw it too. He held on, but he struggled, there was non-stop bleeding, etc. coming from his vomiting constantly for about 3 hours. I was going crazy, but tried not to get hysterical. When I had to I stepped out of the bedroom but mostly I layed beside him and kissed him, told him how much I loved him, and it's OK. Finally,I knew I had to let go and give him "permission" to let go. I whispered in his ear to go to God, the light, my parents, etc. and he immediately stopped breathing. We too agreed on DNR, AND I SECOND GUESSED THAT, BUT THE HOSPICE TOLD ME THAT IF I WANTED TO CALL 911 I COULD, BUT HE'D BE HOOKED UP TO MACHINES, AND THEY'D ONLY PROLONG HIS LIFE FOR MAYBE HOURS OR A DAY OR TWO. WHAT FOR?

The grief for me is unending. Each day is a nothing day--I go through the motions. Sometimes I eat, usually not what I used to eat. There is no joy in anything. Months ago, I begged God to return him even though my logic said it could not happen. Where are the miracles that happened during the Bible writings?

Mike and my husband are resting and waiting for us. I just wish they could come back and we could be happy again with them.

I can't give you any advice because I don't know what to do except cry when I want to and just pray and talk to him.

Love, Liz

Mar 14, 2013
Sadness
by: Dawn

He was moved into the hospice house at 1:00 pm on February 14th and he dies at 2:44am on February 15th. I had made a last minute decision to stay with him that night. I can only say God had given me a sign and I knew the time was near. I had dosed off for about 40 minutes when something woke me. I looked over and Mike had his eyes open and was looking at me.
I held onto him and told him how much I loved him and how much everyone loved him. He looked at me and mouthed I love you back. I was crying so hard but knew what I had to do. I told him I would be okay and the kids would be okay. I told him to go be with his dad and to tell my grandma and grandpa hello. I then told him to close his eyes and listen to me. I asked him if he saw the light. He nodded yes. I told him to go to the light and God would take him in. Three breaths later he was gone.

3 minutes later his kids arrived. Part of me died that day and most of the day I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. The pain is overwhelming.

Tomorrow will be exactly 1 month since my husband died and I still cannot believe he will not be coming home. I pray all of us find ourselves again and can move on but it will be a long time before I can do that.
Mike I love you and miss you more than life.

Mar 14, 2013
Sadness
by: Dawn

After a few hours he seemed to know who I was but had a hard time talking because the tube had been in for so long.

A few days later I came to work as his kids were with him and he seemed to be doing ok. I got a call from the pulmonologist asking me to come and sign the DNR in case they needed it. In was horrified, upset and burst out crying at work. My boss and a friend drove my truck and me to the hospital. I knew deep dpwn in my heart what Mike wanted because we had talked about it. I signed the papers instructing them to not bring him back. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I shouldn't have had to make that decision because I thought he would be coming home soon.



On Valentine's Day, I bought a card and took it to Mike and read it to him. He was not with it as he was on so much pain medicine he mostly slept. I decided that we needed to move him to thew hospice house. I went over and looked at the hospice house and was so surprised at how beautiful it was and how it did not feel like a hospital. I was told that his insurance would cover everything except the room charge which would be $832 a week. I told them that i would pay it. I promised Mike in the beginning that he would not die in a hospital and it didn't matter to me if I had to empty my retirement accounts to keep that promise.

Mar 14, 2013
Sad
by: Dawn

Liz,
I know what you are feeling. In February 2012 my husband felt achy and had a low grade fever. I made him go to the doctor as he had never been sick the entire time we were married. He had just had a checkup October 2011 with lab work and chest x-rays. Thios time when they ran his blood work the white blood cell count was at 24,000! they immediately took a new chest x-ray where the nurese practitioner saw several spots in his right lung. He went for a CT scan and on my birthday, March 1st we met with the oncologist who told us it was Stage 4 lung cancer that had metatisized to his lymph nodes. We started chemo the very next day. Mike was brave and so good with the chemo.

In April 2012, the kids wanted to take us on a family vacation (we had never done this before) with them and the grandkids. We all went to Florida for a week and had fun. It was a week to make lasting memories (if only I could remember them).

On January 2013 Mike was hospitalized with pneumonia for 13 days. It was during this visit that we found out the cancer had spread to his adrenal glands, bones and liver. He lost 18 pounds in the hospital. I made sure he ate high calorie and high protein foods so that he could build his strength back up. He had actually gained 8 pounds in a week. Then on January 30th he fell and broke his arm.

We immediately went to the orthopaedic doctor to see if they could work him in that day and they did. His arm broke where the cancer mass was in his arm. He was in horrible pain. The solution would be to put a rod in his arm. To make matters worse he broke his left arm and he was left handed.

On February 5th I checked him back into the hospital for his surgery scheduled for the next day. When I arrived the next morning I knew something was wrong when I saw several nurses standing outside his room. Mike had a mosebleed that started at 3am and it was now 7am and it had not stopped.I walked in his room to see a horrible scene as no one had cleaned up much from the nosebleed.Surgery was postponed until Thursday.

Before surgery, the doctors talked with me about keeping him in ICU and keeping the breathing tube in overnight so that his body could rest. Well the breathing tube was in for five days. when he started waking up, he opened his eyes and it was like he didn't know who I was. I immediately called the kids to tell them to come as well as his mother.


Mar 14, 2013
To Vivien: Grief
by: Liz

Vivien,
you're right about remembering the happy times, some days I do, but other days the feeling of the finality of death creeps in and hurts. I am not there yet, will never totally be there. I know you are grieving, and perhaps you have a more positive, faith attitude than I do. I have other things hurting me. People he and I have been good to feel it's their turn to leave me alone, to think I should move on, and I have been hurt bad by someone very close to me.

All I really care about is missing my husband, our love, and trying to figure out how to go on.

You are blessed, a help, an inspiration.

Love, Liz

Mar 14, 2013
To Debbie: I Love You More=About Lenny
by: Liz

To: Debbie (I Love you More) About Lenny:

Debbie,
I know exactly how you feel, I feel it for you and myself.

My husband had back surgery (minor) for a herniated disc. He had had a similar surgery in 2005. So this time, we figured it would be the same, and he'd come home, go back to work.

No, he came home and all of a sudden, he was not eating like he usually would. After this went on for a week or two, I called our local gastro (stomach) specialist. After blood tests, he told me to get my husband to the hospital. To just get right to it, the next morning I went to see him--he told me to come right away because 2 cancer (oncologists) doctors were in his room.
I panicked, got there so fast. Then the harsh words came: STAGE 4 PANCREATIC CANCER-SPREAD TO LIVER, ETC. After many tests, another hospital where they told him he had 2 weeks to live, he ended up in ICU AT our local hospital. They started chemo. For 10 months of agony with the chemo, pain from the chemo, nausea from the morphine to stop the pain, etc., he kept holding on, not eating much, only to please me, just like you said Lenny would do.

Finally, when I knew he was very bad, I had to call in the hospice people. It was horrible, and I had to face facts he was dying, and I know he knew it but was so brave and uncomplaining.

His death was horrible. For 5 hours, he tried to hang on as the hospice nurse tended to him, my lying next to him, shaking, not knowing what to do, not wanting him to die, but couldn't stand his suffering. He tried, and not to make this graphic, he just kept letting everything out, blood and all.

I finally knew I had to let him go, it seems he wouldn't until I told him to. I told him I'd be OK, and to go to God and the light and to my parents in Heaven waiting for him. With those words that killed me to say, he took his final breath and died in my arms.

I, too, don't know how to go on. Each day I go from I will try to I don't want to, and I think very often of taking my life, but then God will not accept me and I will not see my husband again.

I too cannot believe that my husband is no longer here with me, living, doing, etc. I can't describe it.

Debbie, I'm not a help to you, but I wanted you to know I went through it, it's a horrible cancer, and I hate it. I keep saying Why?
I blame myself for not doing more, but I took him to specialists, all over, and I tried to keep him alive. Yet, I am here, he's gone, and it's like there is no reason to go on.

I am sorry for you and for our husbands.

Love, Liz

Mar 14, 2013
Grief
by: vIVIEN

Hello Liz.

Just a few words to say, I am no stronger or weaker than yourself or all the other upset people on here.

I cry a lot and wonder why I keep waking up, why I cannot hold my husbands hand. Why I cannot hug him and kiss him along with all the other things we both shared in our lives.

The only thing I think that probably makes me appear a lot stronger than yourself is, I will not let sadness take over my mind. If sadness creeps in I will immediately think of something good we did togeher or something that made us both laugh. I too do not want to remember his illness I would sooner remember him walking along the beach with the dog, both rolling up jeans and going for a paddle. Silly things we have done, happy times we had. You will find as you bring those into your mind instead of the sad parts, for those few moments you are happy. It does work and the happy times get longer as you think of more and more things and the sad bits get less.

It is not that you are forgetting your partner because you never will, for the one thing your partner would not want you to do would be sad. Raymond would not I know that for a fact. So thats how I work.

Love xx



Mar 13, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

It has been seven weeks tonight at 11:50 p.m that I lost my husband of 32 years and best friends since we were 8.How could this have happened? Lenny was only 51 and a big strong healthy man.He just started loosing weight and felt tired.Our live changed on 9-3-12 when an ER DR came in and said he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer.He fought so hard and would tell me "Don't cry baby,it will be OK". I watched him suffer more each day.He could not eat or even drink water.He would try so hard just to eat a few bites because it would make me happy.He never complained and believed God was going to heal him.We went to bed that night, I could tell something was different.I could not stand to see him like that.I put my head on his chest and told him I would be OK.He looked at me with his big brown eyes and gave me a thumbs up.He rolled over a few seconds later and blood poured out of his mouth,it covered him and me.I couldn't do anything.He passed away in my arms still looking at me with his big brown eyes.My world ended that night.He took my soul with him.I pray every night that God will take me.I cry my self to sleep yelling "DON'T CRY BABY,IT WILL BE OK"I go through the motions.Everyday just brings more pain.I will scream if one more person tells me it will get better or it was Gods plan!!

Mar 13, 2013
NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SPRING...
by: Anonymous

I am not looking forward to the Spring season and not Summer either. Those were my husband's favorite times of the year. When I see the green grass that has a Spring scent, the birds sing, and things bloom, I know I will become even more sad than I am now if that is possible.

I will think of him on his tractor cutting our lawn; cutting the shrubs, buying flowers for all the planter pots (even though the rabbits and deer eat the flowers around 3 days after my husband put them in.) Still, he did every year, hoping that certain flowers weren't liked by the animals, but they were.

I will miss seeing him relax in his favorite beach chair where he sat last year before he died, in front of the driveway, looking around, and probably knowing it would be his last Summer.
It was. He died, and I hate the fact that he and I are not together to welcome his favorite seasons.

Missing him is overbearing. I keep his obituary with his photo as my home page, and all day I look at him. I talk to him. I ask him to come back home.

I hope he sees me, hears me, and I hope he sees when I flicker the lights in the early morning when I get up and at night before I go to bed--three times-meaning ILOVEYOU.

Life without my husband is not life for me; just an existance. I don't want anyone else ever; I just want him.

Please, let it be so that there is an afterlife and I will see him again soon.

Anonymous

Mar 13, 2013
To Barbara from Modesto, CA
by: Liz (again)

Dear Barbara,
I wonder if you ever still visit this web site.
I wrote to you before.

Barbara, I am feeling exactly how you are, and I am so tired of people telling me things will get better. Every emotion, thought you go through so do I. I met my husband at 17, then he was drafted into the US Army, after he was home from Vietnam (that was a horrible thing to go through worrying about him), he finished 6 more months, and then we weremarried.

I still feel like that girl who fell in love with that guy. Where did 47 years go--we met 47 years ago, we were married 44 years -- now it's all gone, just like that. Worse of all, no children to look at and see something of him in them.

Sometimes I know that I scare my friend, but I tell her I don't want to live and wish I could just be taken by God soon. This loneliness, this sadness that he is no longer alive with me is torture to my heart, head, soul, and I am literally sick from it.

I pray for you because you and I and all of us need prayers to keep us steady as possible.
I read somewhere that people die from broken hearts--well, that may be me soon because my heart is more than broken, it's torn to shreds, as I can imagine yours is too.

I am so sorry you cry yourself to sleep; I do too, and then I sleep for only 2 hours, then I'm up; sometimes, I am quiet, because for a second, I think he's there beside me and I'll wake him up. Then I remember, and the searing, sick pain overtakes my body. I often panic.

Barbara, you're so understood about your pain, I speak for myself--I understand.

God bless you and keep you safe,
Liz

Mar 13, 2013
Nirmala
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I am sorry you are so upset, but your husband just like my husband is sad because they see that we are nervous, upset and feel like this.
Your bitterness will only get you sick. I am sick all the time in my stomach from stress, sadness, and also a family member who doesn't understand my pain, and she doesn't care that I am suffering, when she feels like it, she picks on me on thing from the past--all her doing--and she should be instead comforting me.

Apparently all of this stress hurt you and your husband. Sometimes it is friends or colleagues, sometimes it's even our own families who can make us angry, upset and miserable. I have to let go of bad people who don't care about me. There is a saying: "Do not spend time with people who take away any little happiness you have; do not beg for a spot in their heart for if they show you there is none, then stay away from them."

I really don't want to give out my e-mail because I'd rather write on here for now. I am a private person, and I am just trying to get through one day at a time. My digestive tract is ruined, and I had tests, nothing bad showed up, so I refuse to go back to the doctor who will blame it on stress, and just give me pills that bother me more.

I think all the things leading up to your husband's death were not good for him or you, and I know it bothers you.

For me, my husband had a bad illness, incurable, and I did my best to keep him calm, and as strong as possible. In the end, he could not eat, could barely drink water, and I had to watch him suffer until he died in my arms.

However, I am fortunate that it was an illness, and not through anything causing him stress. You will be bitter, but those people don't care; only your health will suffer. It's bad enough you are mourning your husband's death, with all the other things about the past, it's no good for you.

Write back to me on here for now.
Take care. Liz

Mar 13, 2013
My husbands partners should suffer
by: Nirmala

It is over three months, they are only thinking about their money and family, the day after my husband died all of them got their life insurance, my husband had a Ferrari for a year they drove it more than him and damaged the front end. When he sold it in the end he got half the money he paid, thanks to them. They had tickets on his car, they would not pay, he had to pay, all this happened months before he died. Now if talk about it I will be considered bitter and crazy. I hate them all so much. Why do only good people die young?
Liz email me nbhattacharya@yahoo.com, I am guessing you are on the east coast. Like some of the other ladies have mentioned, I would love to spend time with people here since we understand each other so well. We have a bond.

Mar 13, 2013
To: JP - SOMEHOW I HAVE MADE IT 8 MONTHS
by: Liz

To JP:

I just read your message on this blog. Your husband and my husband passed away almost the same time -- the 29th of March will be 8 months ago, my wonderful (veteran also) husband passed away in my arms. It seems like only 8 days ago; I vividly remember that night, and it haunts me every day and night.

His original diagnosis confirmed that he was already in Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver, and then other places.
They sent him for second opinions, I took him to a special hospital in Maryland to see if they could operate-no. Anyway, they told him he had 2 weeks to live; but he lasted 10 months, through chemo, lab tests every 2 days, morphine for pain (which was horrible for a man who didn't drink, smoke or take anydrugs ever). We kept waiting for a miracle--there isnothing they can do for pancreatic or liver cancer. He died in my arms after 5 hours of grueling misery--he wanted to hang on, he kept promising me he'd fight and not leave me. I told him finally to go to God and the light and my parents; and he stopped breathing. He died and took part of me with him.
I will never be the same.

His tumor, we were told could have been growing for decades. It could have been from a faulty dna, which is disturbed by toxins that cause the tumor to grow slowly until it's too late.

He was in Vietnam, and subjected to Agent Orange, but believe it or not his cancer is not on the VA's list of illnesses caused by Agent Orange.
I write letters to the VA, it won't bring back my husband, but I just do it.

He worked all his life, never discussed Vietnam or his army days, and he never complained -- he only worked, and then didn't even get to live our dream for him to retire and move to a warmer climate. He spent his 10 months barely eating, and still did not complain.

I write letters to him every 4 or 7 days, and I keep them inside the book where I have his eulogy that I wrote and read at his funeral--I don't know how I did it.

We are all here on this site because we all suffer. This loss is terrible, and at times I don't think I can go another day. My heart hurts, and also I feel sick all the time with stomach and digestive problems--a lot of acid buildup due to stress.

I pray for us to get through our pain and suffering; our husbands want the best for us.

Love, Liz

Mar 12, 2013
Somehow I have made it 8 months!
by: JP

We suspected something was wrong. He had liver cancer and it was inoperable and could not receive a donor liver, either. His last doctor's appointment was so cruel - he came in all mean and mighty and said "well, it's spreading and you might make it 3 weeks". I don't know how I found our car and then picked him up at the front of the hospital. We carried him in the house. I gave him any food he asked for and as I noticed he was slipping away from me, I stayed with him constantly and as he died in my arms, I told him, "I will love you always and forever"!

The one thing that helped me was I kept a notebook and wrote him a letter everyday of my days advents, people who called, and it became a good reference tool as well since I could look up who had called about what.

This journal was very personal and after 3 months, I ripped it to shreds. I did not want my adult children, grandchildren or anyone else to read my love letters to my then dead husband.

He was retired Navy and the most generous, man - I called him my Mr. Wonderful.

Mar 12, 2013
My husband is guiding me, now I believe it...
by: Liz

Sometimes I pretend my husband is only at work and will be home soon. I can't cope with his death. today I'm as dark and sad as the dark day of rain. I can't believe still that he is gone.
He did show me signs finally--i hadn't been to a certain store in a long while; I looked down and there was a dime. Everyone keeps writing about finding pennies or dimes. Well, I believe in that, and my husband left that dime; also he led me to a web page with a very profound piece of information that he knew I needed at this time.
I will let that info remain in my brain when I start thinking people who don't care about me or him don't bother with me. For several reasons, my husband in Heaven knew that I needed something to make me feel strong because yesterday was one of my very bad days since he's been gone. I did a lot of crying yesterday, more than ever.
So, thank you, Babe, for finally showing me you are around me, watching over me, and stopping me from thinking bad thoughts and about things I wanted to do to get to you. In God's time, I will join you. I hope it's soon because I am ready to go to God and you.
Love, Liz

Mar 12, 2013
Nirmala: Just checking...
by: Liz

Nirmala, Hope you're OK. It is raining a lot here, and I'm just joing in the rain with tears to match the raindrops.

you usually write on here, so maybe you went away.

Trying to stay strong. Had to $50 just now to have my husband's lawn mower fixed--not that I can use it, but just in case I get someone to use it this spring to cut our grass.

Stay well,
Liz

Mar 12, 2013
To Debbie: I Love You More...
by: Liz

Debbie,
I just read your recent comment today, March 12, 2013, and it hurts me for you because I feel so much the same way. I too have panic attacks, and I have to get into bed and try to calm down.

My husband was not a carpenter, but he had a lot of carpentry tools, etc. that he could open a store. He used to just go down to our basement, make mouldings, and other things--he was handy that way.

I can imagine how it is for you to see everything around town built by him. And to see his clothes, boots, red truck, flannel shirts. I can't get rid of my husband's things; and I left his workbench as it was before he died--he was making a birdhouse just to keep his mind off his cancer and the pain. The birdhouse is not finished; my friend keeps saying she or someone will finish it, but it sits there still.
He left a lot of undone projects that he was upset about. He was upset about leaving me too.
He hung on until I told him to go to God, and then he did. He died worried about me, the house and how I would be alone.

Have you been reading how some mean people think we ought to move on? Well, it's true because my own youngest sister is so cruel about that subject.

Anyway, I have days that I sayI can't go on, and I tell my husband (I have his face on myhome page and I look it all during the day). I tell him that, and then I sense it upsets him.

I wear his jackets--too big--and I were his bathrobe--the first one I bought him over 25 years ago! It's still good.

I will nt give away a thing, not now, may never. I don't know about the future, but for sure, NOT NOW.

tAKE CARE, AND I pray for all of us.
Liz

Mar 12, 2013
To Vivien: Grieving
by: Liz

To: Grieving by Vivien,

Thank you, Vivien, for your comments about my grief and how my insensitive (and a few more choice words not for this web site) sister's "move on" command. She also mimics my crying and complaining that my stress has given me stomach trouble. She says, "Oh, my stomach, my foot, my this, my this,my that, it's all about you." SHE NEEDS THE PSYCHIATRIST, NOT ME AS SHE ADVISED.

Look at all of uswoman who have our own stories to tell, how our husbands passed, how we feel, how we try to cope. She doesn't get it. When I suggested she read the blogs, she got so angry, I thought I had said something criminal to her.
She said "I don't care to read about agony and doom and gloom." My husband is the one who spent thousands of dollars on her kids for trips, cruises, etc., and she has the nerve to disrespect me and HIM THIS WAY.

I have to write to another woman on here who wrote today things I've been writing: she doesn't want to go on. I can't help her, but I will tell her that I am re-thinking that because to honor my husband, I must go on and not throw away his hard-earned money to those who tell me to "move on."

I hope you can spread your good spirit amongst us because you sound so much stronger than we do.

Thanks, Liz

Mar 12, 2013
My husband died in my arms,
by: Anonymous&Alone

My husband died in my arms, with only the hospice nurse who had come for the first time that night because I called realizing that my sweet, wonderful, generous husband was losing his battle with that monster cancer he had tried to fight for ten months. He was courageous, and to see him in such a vulnerable, sick state, tore my heart and my mind to pieces.
I knew what I had to do, so I whispered in his ear that he need not worry about me any more, I'd be Okay, and that he should go to the light of God, and to go where my parents waited for him.
With tha said, it seemed as though he decided it was all right, and he stopped breathing. I screamed, cried, kissed him all over his face, and if it weren't for a friend who came over as soon as she could, I think I'd have done somethin like jump out the window. It was horrible.
I misshim that I have no words to write how much; my tears, my aching heart, my sick body are all evidence of what his death has turned me into: a grieving, lost sad person who feels she will never recover.

But the worst part, would you not think that once I called a family member 4 hours before he died, they would come over to be with the two of us.
Her reply was this: "you're not alone, the hospice nurse is with you." What? A stranger (even though the nurse was great--she was a stranger not family. Then when my niece called and said she would come, I was understandably upset, he was already gone, and I said, "Don't bother, you should have been here to comfort him and me during his dying hours." SHE NEVER SHOWED UP--POOR HER--SHE COULDN'T TAKE THE TRUTH. TOO BUSY THOUGH SHE WAS ONLY ABUT 45 MINUTES AWAY.

I still talk to these selfish people, but after too much agony, and seeing through them I am going to get strong on my own, realize they are not good people, and try for my husband to be what he would want me to be - strong, and try to carry on because he knew they were and will always be fake and useless.

He was a great man, uncle to all, kind and hard-working; and he did not deserve their treatment and he is seeing how they are treating me now.

I want him to rest in peace, and I must cut my ties with them because they upset me, and in turn he feels my sadness and nervousness because of them.

My heart will be broken; I will blame myself for not listening to him when he warned me about people disappointing me especially when they see weakness. So, I pray to God I can find my way.
I lost my best friend, and I never thought I would be the one alone; and they go about their lives happy, and tell me not to pour gloom and doom on them with my crying.

Please pray for me to be strong in my commitment to not need people who are empty, shallow, and nasty. I'm afraid I will slide back because I am alone.

Anonymous&Alone

Mar 12, 2013
Grieving
by: Vivien

Good Morning Liz.

I have just been reading what you have put about
the grief you have.

Your grieving can continue as long as you want it to or as short as you want it to.

It is yours to do.

There is no time limit to it at all.

No matter what anyone says family, friends, colleagues

We are all different and cope with these situations which ever way we can and for as long as we want.

Losing someone you have known for many years to a disease that totally sucks, is hard to come to terms with.

You feel you have been sliced in half and part of your body is missing somewhere.

Your body will come back bit by bit, in your own time, not in another persons time, only when you are ready. xx


Mar 12, 2013
To Anonymous with "mean" sis who said to move on...
by: Denise

Dear Anonymous who wrote about being told to "move on". Boy, how cruel that one person who told you that is. I hope the day comes when her husband and/or boyfriend, or whatever, departs and she has to stare at his clothes, shoes, belongings, where he slept, how he spoke, what he did. (Personally, if she's that mean, he may be happyto go.) I'm sorry to sound so crude but she is out of place while you are so hurt, confused and shocked by your loved one's death; and she is the judge telling you to move on?

Next time, tell her this: "you move on, with a sister like you, I would rather be alone, or have a friend. And when she uses her defense tactic, tell her that you just cut her from the will from a million dollars to nothing. That will get her.

Now, to the missing part; it's up to you to miss and cry as long as you have to and/or want to.
I will cry every day, I know, and I don't care who expects me to be tear-free soon.

My heart goes out to you, and I bet others who have read the "move on" comment would like to write to your sister a thing or two. She was born ruthless, bossy, and with no heart. The way I feel, if she'd have told me that, I'd have smacked her one, and I don't hit people ever.

Please rest assure that all of us understand, and we'd never tell you to move on. you've got camaraderie on this site, no devils like her here.

Love, Denise (Big Mama on Harley)

Mar 11, 2013
To Anonymous with the mean sister, rage...
by: AnnMarie

I am writing to you, first to say it is so difficult what you are going through the loss of your husband of many years and yet, right in your very own family, you have suffered with more grief from the bullying (yes, that is what it is), from your sister who sounds like a nut from one of the nutty talk-shows on TV. She has no feelings; she doesn't care, and she should be comforting you, not discomforting you with her garbage.

I have one in my family like her: she literally told me that she can't stand listening to my complaints, crying, and she wants a happy holiday for Easter, not gloom and doom. She claims that I had a "puss" on my face for Christmas--well, excuse me, but my husband had just died, and it was my first Christmas without him in 46 years, oh, I should laugh. I should have stayed home, alone, better off but she has nerve. She also said that it's all about me. No, it is about me missing him, and she is jealous because he loved me so much, gave so much (even to her kids), and he was handsome, a hard worker who was successful. Her husband is nothing, but I don't look down on him. However, she has a complex of her ugly face and mean, ugly heart.

I hope that both of these people who are mean to us will face God and He will punish them for their anger and bitterness instead of compassion and love when we need it most.

They are not only mean, they are crazy. Don't worry about her, nd I will not either, I must finally listen to my husband's warnings about her.
And to think, I was going to leave them money when I pass.

I'm sorry to put this kind of stuff on this blog, it is supposed to be about us grieving; but I just got upset that you were treated poorly in your desperate time of need for love and understanding. I get it.

My best, God bless, Terry W from NY

Mar 11, 2013
To: Nirmala about what happened...
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Now I understand why you were in such shock about your husband's death. I should listen very carefully to your story because I am causing myself so much stress that I am sick in my stomach, and all over. Sometimes I think I am close to a heart attack.

The family you have will help you, don't worry. I have no familyI can count on, so I am grateful that my husband worked so hard and I am OK, but I, too, am looking for a job. I am much older than you, so it will be almost impossible.
If not, I'll do something at home.

Now, I must get myself well, and ignore a member of my family who hurt me again so much today that I really just wanted to die. Instead, I called my priest, and he said, "It is better to have one or two good friends than a bad family member who takes and gives only aggravation to you." He is right. My husband warned me over and over about her, but I DID NOT LISTEN. I TRIED TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER. I AM CLOSE WITH HER DAUGHTER, BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT WILL END BECAUSE OF HER MOTHER.
I MUST STAY STRONG, AND NOT CALL THEM. This is hard for me because I am sad and alone, but I WILL DO IT--SHE IS SO MEAN, TOO MEAN, WORSE THAN MEAN.

I am sorry the accountants in your husband's company did not help with the funeral. This world is full of back-stabbers, liers, and bad people whom you cannot trust. Even in my family, I learned that too late. My husband and I were good to all, but they repay me with grief. They think I am stupid, but I know their mean ways, I just try to keep the peace. Some day, all of them will regret it.

God doesn't like any of this, and all of them will be judged by HIM some day. I can't wait until my sister has to face God, and he will remind her that during my most difficult, darkest hours she treated me like a nothing. I was stupid enough to take it, not any more. God and my husband are signalling me to call it the end, stay away from her once and for all. I better listen.

I hope your problems get straightened out. Life is so sad, unfair, unjust, and difficult. We must make the most of what we can.
Regards, Liz

Mar 11, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

I have been reading everyone's comments.My pain has just gotten worse. nothing I seem to do makes it any better.I have panic attacks night and day.People that said they would be there are not. It has been almost seven weeks and I still keep waiting for him to come home.He was a carpenter and everything in this house he has made. He also worked on or built most of the building in our small town.All of his things are just as he left them.His work shirts hang on the bedroom door and his boots sit by the door.His tools are all over the house and yard and his big red truck sits in the driveway. I sleep in the truck sometimes,I wrap up in his dirty flannel shirts and somehow that makes me feel close to him.I see him everywhere!People are calling wanting to buy his tools.I get so upset and cry for hours. My husbands things are precious to me and they are NOT for sale!!! I wish people would think before they act.Lenny would hold me and say "Don't cry baby,it will be OK" Now I just hold his picture and cry at the top of by lungs "don't cry baby it will be OK" until I cry myself to sleep.I'm afraid I am going to take my own life if I cant get some help....

Mar 11, 2013
To Vivien (To all the Ladies Grieving)my reply
by: Liz

Dear Vivien,

Some day, I hope to find your peace and grace as you mourn for your dear husband who recently passed away. What you are doing with his ashes is a blessed idea, and I love the beautiful, sensitive poem.

I miss my husband so much, I don't know what to do some days. We were married 44 years. He had pancreatic cancer stage 4 at the diagnosis which came as a shock because he had no signs at all.
It was too late, but we went along with the doctors who started the chemo. My husband was not afraid to die, but he didn't want to leave me and often told people that.

I must try very hard now to get well, strong, live for me, and not allow my family members to badger me about moving on, etc. I have been crying a lot, and one sister told me today she can't stand listening any more to me and my crying and my aches and pains from my stress.

So, I hope you visit this web site often if you need courage from us. We give it each other. You will notice, I am on here quite often writing back and forth to several women who are grieving like you and I are.

I pray for you. I understand you. I send you my love as one who cares about those who have broken hearts.
Liz

Mar 11, 2013
It is three months since my husband died
by: Nirmala

My husband died because his technicians made mistakes and he was not able to fire them since they are related to the CEO of the company. When he came home on Friday December 7th after testifying in court defending his billing for a few patients the insurance company was refusing to pay due to errors commited by the technicians. He was upset and was calling everybody concerned that he would quit the job if the technicians were not fired since they were jeopardizing his medical license, the idiots would not listen to him. I had to literally take the phone from his hand on Saturday so he would not talk about it, I was watching him all weekend. But he could not be consoled, he had quit drinking but went back to it on Friday. Poor thing did not stand a chance, he did not take his blood pressure medication and went down hill without even realizing. I thought he just had a hangover but his heart was in trouble because of the stress the idiots put him through, now they are pretending they had nothing to do with my husband's death and trying cheat me from getting the money that is in the receivables. They do not want me to cause any trouble for them by telling the story outside. But as of now they have not given me one penny to pay my bills or buy groceries. These are really the bottom dwellers, they offered to pay for the funeral, a week later I found out my husband's signed check was used for the funeral, so he paid for his own funeral, their God Allah is ok with this behavior I guess.

Mar 11, 2013
To all the ladies grieving.
by: Vivien

Hello everyone. I lost Raymond just over 4 weeks ago to Brain Tumors Lung Cancer and Pneumonia. We were married 40 years I had known him 42. He was my life. I too cry a lot but I also remember the laughs and happy moments we had together, the holding of hands, the cuddles and kisses. Also my life with Raymond through ups and downs and we have had a lot.Raymond was cremated and we decided to a lot with his ashes. On May 11th his ashes are being planted under an English Oak out in the Peak District were you can go and have a picnic around the tree and we can take his Grandson to visit. Some of his ashes are going to Cornwall as we spent the majority of our holidays there, and some are going to Wales as we spent a lot of time there as well. A handful will be taken over the moors were we live as he loved them. I have had a small pewter heart made with the inscription
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

This is a poem which Raymond and myself adored and it says such a lot. I have also with a teaspoon of ashes had a necklace made out of crystal the color of his eyes (Blue). So yes I understand how you all miss your partners and how your hearts ache to nearly bursting point, as mine does. I have done such a lot with what I have left of my beautiful husband, that sometimes I feel a deep happiness inside. Love and peace to you all xx


Mar 11, 2013
To DebbieAnonymous on your 2/28 message
by: Liz

To: Debbie AnOnymous about your 2/28/13 blog

Debbie,

I too am still going through what you do; some mornings, Iget up in a panic. Some days that I know I have to get out to get food at the supermarket, I dread it. I go early to avoid alot of people.

forcingmyself in the beginning to do the calls to social security, hisfriends, other things, was horrible. I kept saying, "My husband just died." And that made me cry and cry to strangers on the phone.

I am still not well, feel sick, and can't seem to know how I will continue going on without my husband whom I love and miss too much for words.
Liz

Mar 11, 2013
To Nirmala
by: Liz

Nirmala,
I'm glad you had a good visit yesterday.

I had a bad day and night. My stomach always hurts, and I have so many other things wrong.
Mostly, my heart hurts. I have no one I can do to close by, and my family only comes whenever they make time for me. It used to be they always made time to come to my parents' house and eat--I would do all the cooking, but now that both parents are dead, everything is different. I don't care. I am so depressed I don't care about anything. My stomach makes me miserable, and I don't have my husband here to help me.

Why did your husband die--you said a broken heart?
What was it from? Did he have heart trouble?

It is early, and I will not sleep any more, so I will get up to start a new day of sadness, feeling sick, and lonely. I hope you do better than I am doing.

Liz

Mar 10, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

My husband also loved the ties, he collected them more like. He did not ale ays like to wear them and he did not know how to tie the knot, I had to do it for him. The Friday before he died he should have already left for the court before I came back from dropping my kids, but he waited for me to come home he asked me to grab a few of his patient medical charts and take it to the car, that was the last day I saw him happy. From that evening till he died on Tuesday he was upset with the technicians that made mistakes in his clinic, he died of a broken heart.
You should not second guess about your husband's treatment, usually alternate medicine are good before the illness, I mean as a preventive measure. My sister does that for her son's ADHD, but she would not consider that for something like cancer.
My day was slightly better, my daughter insisted we go to my brother's house, we spent a couple of hours there. My sister in law, a pediatrician is very strong nice person. I have been able to rely on her these three months, that reminds me she was here with me along with my brother that awful day almost three months, just shy of 12 hours. Poor thing he must have thought he was just falling asleep.
Do not worry about the dog, you should get it whenever you are ready.

Mar 10, 2013
DON'T TELL US TO MOVE ON
by: Anonymous

I HAVE A SISTER WHO TELLS ME TO MOVE ON AND STOP REPEATING MY HUSBAND'S DEATH, MY PAIN, ETC.
WELL, LET'S SEE IF SHE MOVES ON WHEN SHE HAS TO LOOK AT HUSBAND'S THINGS, THEIR HOUSE, LET'S JUST SEE. SHE SCREAMS AT ME TO STOP CRYING AND GET HELP. NO, I WILL GRIEVE FOR AS LONG I LIVE.
PERHAPS SHE WILL NOT GRIEVE, AND ONLY COLLECT THE LIFE INSURANCE. SHE IS COLD, MISERABLE, AND I CAN'T LET HER KNOW ANYTHING I WRITE HERE. SHE WOULD SAY ALL OF US HAVE TO GET A LIFE. THAT IS HER FAVORITE SAYING EVEN ABOUT DEATH.

LET'S JUST SEE WHAT AND HOW SHE REACTS.

FOR ME, PAIN IS NOT A HARSH ENOUGH WORD TO SAY HOW MY HEART FEELS AFTER I LOST MY DEAR, SWEET, CARING, GENEROUS HUSBAND. SO, WHOEVER SAYS MOVE ON, TELL THEM TO GO TO HE--.

ANONYMOUS

Mar 10, 2013
To Nirmala: People do not understand what we really need...
by: Liz

Nirmala, I just read your recent message.

I know you mean well for me about the dog. Perhaps in time I will look into it, just not now.

My husband, too, loves his clothes-his clothes take up more space in our home than mine. He loved good quality suits, shirts, shoes, and especially ties--he was always choosing beautiful silk ties of good quality. My husband in you get what you pay for--pay high and the items will last a lifetime. He was so right.

This morning, I spent my time looking at alternative medicine, holistic medicine, and again I am blaming myself for not doing this to help when my husband had cancer. I was so busy listening to the doctor about chemo, etc., and I should have studied what I studied today. I must have read for 4 hours today. Why didn't I try this for my husband? I now blame myself again-I tried hard, the conventional way. But the holistic approach is to treat and make strong your immune system so that you can fight the cancer. 1 out of 3 people are diagnosed with cancer. For 80 years now, there is no cure. It is all money to the drug companies. I hate chemo, I think it harmed my husband more by tearing down his immune system. I am constantly blaming myself for not doing this type of research instead of researching all the other things that harmed him and did not cure him.
I hope my husband knows that I did my best; but still I am angry with myself. I lost him, when perhaps he could have lasted longer if I had found the right doctor who believes in supplements, holistic things.

Did your husband, as a doctor, consider other approaches other than the usual medicines?
I think here in America we take too many poisonous medicines that contribute to cancer.

Now, my husband is gone, it is too late for me to try things for him other than that poison chemo.

I will not get rid of any of his clothes or things until I am ready, and maybe I will never be ready.

He is gone, I miss him,. and I feel sorry that he died a horrible death from that horrid illness.
If I could have done other things, why didn't God lead me to these answers before? Why am I learning these answers now when it is too late to save my husband? I am angry, sad, and feeling terrible. The sun is out, but I don't care. I was going to go food shopping, but I will go tomorrow.

I hope you have a better day than I'm having.
Liz

Mar 09, 2013
People do not understand what we really need
by: Nirmala

My close friend is also a widow I speak to her a lot. Some people think they might get the disease that we have. You have friends here we all understand you quite well since we are all in the same boat. Whenever you are ready you should visit an animal shelter near your place and see if you might be able to bond with any dog. Please understand I am not bullying you into doing anything. I am convinced having a dog helps everybody.
I need to make sure my husband's dreams for the kids are fulfilled. I have not yet done anything with any of his clothes or shoes, my son might want to hold on to some of his dress shirts, he has a full wardrobe. He throughly enjoyed his clothing, I do not want to get rid of anything

Mar 09, 2013
To: Nirmala, my reply
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Thanks for answering me. You see, I have nothing to do except go on line, cry, clean my house, and cry some more. I will not get a dog now, but maybe in the future.

I know my husband doesn't like this; he didn't like it when I cried in front of him about his sickness. He hated when I worried so much to the point of getting ill.

I must seek counseling, or I don't know what else to do.

My sister called me and all she keeps saying is, "Get help." Well, why doesn't she call me each day to see how I am? It costs her nothing to call--she can call for free for 2000 minutes, but she just doesn't care enough.

I keep calling my niece, and I get her voice mail.
Every body is busy and they don't understand what we go through--the days are long and lonely.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you went for a haircut; my husband used to always bug me about getting my hair done. Sometimes he would cut it for me! I think I will cut it short so it's easier to keep.

Liz

Mar 09, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala, nbhattacharya@yahoo.com

Email me, I really want to talk to you, don't get the dog. I only said that because dogs are such giving creatures. Mine only wants food and then they watch me. My chocolate lab literally licks my tears off, nobody would believe me till they actually saw him do it. We got snowed in yesterday, I could have cleaned the driveway with my son's help but decided against it. I could not take him to school, so be it I can't help it.
Your husband is not going to like what you are doing to yourself. I feel my husband is an angel for me now, he has been watching out for me. So far in spite of everything I did not borrow one dollar from anybody, he is watching out for me. I was dreading to go for a hair cut, but I remembered what he used to tell me, so I went. I already need another one. Please take care of yourself, he is looking at you and thinking what are you doing. You need to do whatever needed for his sake. He did not leave you because he wanted to.

Mar 09, 2013
To Nirmala, about "dog"
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

your husband was a brave man, and good to you.

Mine was too.

I will not get a dog because I can barely take care of myself. The dog will see me crying all the time. Also, if the dog gets sick and dies, it will be worse for me.

I don't care--I can't decide how to leave this life. I'm scared I will screw it up and end up hooked up to a machine. My husband would not want me to do anything to hurt myself, but I can't take it any more. I just don't care, and no one in my family does. Sometimes they don't even call me, for days, and they know I am alone, even in a big snow storm, they don't check to see if I am OK.

My husband loved me the most, and he is gone.

It's another day, and I have to get through it with crying, pain, and missing him to death.

I appreciate your words, but I am in so much pain.

Love, Liz

Mar 09, 2013
Life: to Dawn
by: Liz

Dawn,

I have been going through what you are for over 7 months now. I'm not getting better. I remember everything, especially picking up the dreaded death certificates. Nothing is a blur, not any minute of my husband's illness, crises he went through, operations, chemo, nothing. He and I lived the horror of pancreatic/liver cancer to the end when he died. I died with him.

My life is just an existance until I can leave and join him. I hope there is a Heaven and re-uniting.

I am sorry for you and your pain.
Love, Liz

Mar 09, 2013
To Debbie:
by: Liz

Dear Debbie,

I truly understand you, the most, because both our husbands had pancreatic cancer Stage 4.

5 years ago, my husband had a discetomy--that's when a disc in your spine bulges and gives you back aches. He had the operation back in 2006, and he was perfect--went back to work in 4 days.

In 2011 (August), he could not take the back aches, he had the surgery again--this time it took longer and I was so scared. To make long story short, after the operation, my husband complained about feeling twisted in his stomach area. After 3 weeks of this, I called a local gastroenterologist and told him what was happening. He told me to get my husband in for blood tests at the nearest hospital the next morning, and he would get the results.

We did that, got home, the doctor called and said, "Get your husband to the hospital now, he is full of bile." So, we did, he got admitted, and then the mri's and cat scans were started.
I went home that night, thinking my husbnd just had a gall bladder problem.

The next morning, I called my husband and told him I was leaving for the hospital to see him--it was only 7 a.m., and I told my husband that I'd first go to the post office to mail a letter.
My husband replied, calmly, not to get me scared, "No, come here now, there are 2 oncologists (cancer doctors) in the room waiting to talk to us. Then in a cold way, the dreaded words came out of the female cancer doctor's mouth: "Your husband has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, with spread to his liver." I SCREAMED, CRIED, . HE TRIED TO ACT SO BRAVE.

iN week, they decided to send him to a big hospital in NYC for second opinion, more special tests. Then, there, it was worse news, "Your husband has 2 weeks to live."

He was sent home after 7 days, with a nurse, and that pole with nutrition. The next morning, he was very sick; I called the local oncologist, who put him in ICU. We thought he would die, but my strong, brave husband stayed there for ten days, and then started chemo. On December 2l of 2011, we weren't going to put up a Christmas tree, but my husband insisted, he said, "Please let me put one up--it will be my last tree." Even though he was weak, he did it--more beautiful than any treee he ever put up.

I took him to Maryland-Johns Hopkins, in hopes a surgeon could help him. No.

So, then I took him to NYC-a specialist in this type of cancer. He put him on a new chemo.
A few months later, my husband went down hill.
It came to the point that 3 days before he died (in our home) I called in hospice. The night he died, at 5 pm, a nurse came and she said to me, "It's hours away, his vital signs are way down." I screamed, "No."

After that, Debbie, it was horrible--my husband didn't want to let go. Finally, I whispered in his ear, "Go to God, go to the light, go to Mom & Dad (my parents), after that, he stopped breathing and died.

I hate life, I don't know how to get through this.
lOVE, lIZ

Mar 08, 2013
To Barbara Robins
by: Liz

Dear Barbara,

I often visit this website since I stumbled acrosss it a few months ago, and your message is the first one on the page. Everything you say is what I go through after losing my great, wonderful, loving husband. I too feel like a zombie, and I will always. I too am sick of people not calling any more, and if they do call, they think I'm supposed to be OK. I don't pretend for them, I cry, I talk about missing my husband, I talk about him, and I don't care. They can just hang up or go away for good.

I am not doing well at all--it's been a little over 7 months since my husband left me, and I still cannot grasp it--death. I can't believe he is gone; I just never pictured him dying at 64, and a young 64 until that cancer ruined his life until he died. He never got to retire; our plans never came true; and the chemo made him worse. He was brave, tried not complain, and our lives were chemo sessions, lab sessions, 7 hospital stays, operations, blood transfusions, etc. I am no longer mad at God, but I REALLY WAS, VERY ANGRY. Now I beg him to return my husband. I do.
I know it doesn't sound like I'm normal, but I beg God to send my husband back to me.

My life is just an existance and will be until I die, which I wish is soon. I want to rejoin him in Heaven, but I'd rather have him here where we could resume our life we knew before the cancer.
I hate doctors, too.

I keep thinking that some day I will not be able to take this pain and try to end my life. I'm afraid if I do, it will go wrong, and I'll end up hooked up machines and all my husband's hard-earned money will go to an institution to keep me alive. also, God will send me straight to Hell and I'll never see my husband or my parents and the rest of my loved ones there.

But, I think about it a lot. I am isolated, we had no children, and every day, I say, this can't be true, why did this happen? Every day, all day and night, I cry, think about him, cry more, and don't know what else to do. People say get a job--what for--to cry in front of people in the office who don't give a damn about me or my life or missing my husband. It's a cold world out there.

So, Barbara, I feel every bit of your pain, it is torture for me. I hope I don't get to a point of too much depression and insanity where I end up regretting it.

My husband was my life; I have no more life without him. I have no desire to laugh, or do anything except go to the food store, pay the bills, try to keep up this house (a big problem because he kept it up so well), and just sleep a few hours. I wake up in a panic each morning. I can't get him back, but maybe in the future, people will figure how to bring back a dead person. Probably not, they can't even figure out when his cancer started, how to cure any cancer, so what can I expect.
Liz


Mar 08, 2013
Life
by: Dawn

I too feel that the more time that goes by the harder it is. It has only been 3 weeks and now it is hitting me that half of me died that day too. I just picked up the death certificates today. Wow it is real and the pain is horrible.

Mar 08, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

Liz, I understand how you feel.I was with my husband since we were eight and best friends.He ask me to marry him when we were twelve.Got married as soon as I turned eighteen.I went straight from my parents to him.We did everything together!He had always been so strong and healthy.He did everything for me,his world revolved around his family.My world was shuddered in a few brief seconds when an ER DR came in and said "your husband has stage4 pancreatic cancer that has went to his liver.That was 9-3-12 and he passed 1-23-13.He fought so hard and he just kept telling me "it will be OK."He died lying in my arms in our bed.He looked up at me with his big brown eyes and I could see the love he felt.He didn't want to leave me but he didn't have a choice.It was an awful moment!Blood started pouring out of his mouth and covered us both,then he was gone.I cry all day,everyday.I was crying last night and then clear as day ,I heard him say "Don't cry baby,it will be OK."I must have repeated that 100 times until I fell asleep last night.I miss him more everyday.I pray every night that God will take me to be with him.I will not go to groups either.I don't think they can help me at this point.I'm not even sure why I post on this site.Maybe it just helps to voice things out loud.GOD HELP US ALL <3

Mar 08, 2013
Please talk to people Liz, email nbhattacharya@yahoo.com
by: Nirmala

You need to talk to people, my husband had an accident 23 years ago in a car rally he had taken part in just after we got married. If he had died at that time I would have missed out on the 23 years. Life was not easy, I am also happy we did not know what was going to happen. That way our lives would have been so artificial. In the end I know or at least I hope I will see him again in my next birth. He was such a crazy guy. Please trust me I will not make fun of your feelings in any way Liz, but please get yourself a little dog, the unconditional love will give you a purpose in life. I know you do not want to have a purpose, but your husband is watching you. It is temporary separation we have a little while longer on this earth so do not wish it away. I cry everyday but I still need to get up and take care of myself because my husband would want me to. I eat because I have to I still do cannot look at grapes since that was last thing he ate. But please honor your husband by taking care of yourself.

Mar 08, 2013
Nothing helps
by: Anonymous

Why does everyone keep saying time will make the pain less. No, for me, the more time goes by, the more I miss my husband and don't want to live.
Anonymous

Mar 08, 2013
To: Nirmala, Pat, Dawn, Debbie: Pain Forever
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala, Pat, Dawn, Debbie,

We all have the same searing pain and emptiness in our hearts. Somehow, why do I feel different: I do not have the will to go on like all of you speak of sometimes. Every day, I beg God to send my husband home; and I know perhaps some of you think I am naive or crazy. I am not; I feel that he went too soon; he didn't want to leave me alone, and his eyes before he stopped breathing said so much. He wasn't scared to die; he was worried so much about me knowing how I take things. He saw how my parents' deaths harmed me mentally and physically; and I know he knew what I would go through without him.

Yes, it is hard to take care of this house because he did so much, even after working 12 hours or more some days. But that is not what is killing me slowly: I am wanting to just die because it is no longer a life without my husband. We were truly one and now his absence is so overwhelming.

I am supposed to finally join a church (not my religion but a church) group of widows. I don't want to go because I'll just cry and not help them, and I will get sicker and sicker. This depression, this loss has killed my insides.
Anxiety pills don't help; and the anti-depressents make me feel like a zombie.

Some of you have families of your own; I really don't. I am isolated most of the time in my home; friends call, visit once a month maybe, but I am truly alone, and I don't care. My heart is so torn.

Each morning I get up very early and I stay in bed, and my mind is in many different places--thinking about my husband, this house, what to do, where to go, and should I go on or not.

Doesn't God know that my frame of mind is going to push me to sin against Him? I hope He will forgive me and understand.

I want my husband back so badly, but that can't happen, so I have no choice but to figure how to get to him. God will punish me, and that is what stops me from leaving this ugly, lonely world I am in.

We were married, right after he returned from Vietnam -- we met in 1966, 9 months after my graduation from High School. He was drafted, and then went to war. He came home, thank God, and we were married in August of 1969. But we were together since 1966. So, some people think I can easily throw away 46 and now 47 years with him, and move along and try to find a way to go on.

Well, I can't even think of any way now. I just can't.

I see myself dying very soon. I can't find a way without my husband. I love and miss him too much to stand it any more.

Liz

Mar 07, 2013
Pat, Liz, Dawn Debbie and all other widows that hate that word
by: Nirmala

Today for the first time I also had to check that box widow. I took some comfort in what Pat had to say, I feel a lot better when I talk about my husband, I have a close friend, she had lost her husband over three years ago. Most other people do not really get it, they expect you to pick yourself up quickly. I have had to remind everybody in my family that my husband has been gone for less than three months. My son will be graduating high school on June 1st, luckily when my daughter graduated two years ago my husband was in India, I am still very scared to go to the graduation, should I become a basket case, nobody will know the real reason for my misery. Every mile stone in our lives is going to be a problem without my husband around, he was always the one to make the smartest and also the craziest statement. He had so many friends, the first time he came to the US more than twenty years ago he met a few of his friends even in a foreign country while walking on the street, he was the smartest doctor I have come across even physicians older and more senior than him would call and ask him for his opinion. He was also an avid racer, such a high achiever. I have to try to make sure my children also follow in his footsteps.

Mar 07, 2013
Love Of My Life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Nirmala, Liz, Dawn, & Debbie,
I have been readng your posts everyday. I have been on this site everyday, since a friend of mine told me about it. She lost her husabnd 6 months before I lost mine, who was the love of my life. I"m sure any of us who lost our husbands can relate to that.
My husband was a part of my life since I was 15 years old. He was my high school swweetheart and I graduated on May 29, 1965 and we were married on June 26, 1965. I went from the comfort of living with my parents to the comfort of living with my husband.
I never imagined that 46 years later I would become his widow. I so hate that word, but that is what I am. We were blessed with 5 children. They are adults now, with families of there own, yet they are always here for me. I feel so blessed to have them and my 8 grandchildren. I have two step- grandchildren, but don't see them. They have a strained relationship with their dad, who is my oldest daughters husband, but that is a story in itself.
I want to tell you, it is amazing how strong we become. My husband died on June 27,2011, the day after our 46th anniversary, from a massive heart attack. My grief was overwhelming as you are now experiencing. People would say things get better or easier. I don't really agree with that. Our life is forever changed. We never quite get over the loss of our husbands, but we do slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
Not a day goes by, that I do not talk to him or think of him. I still have this ache in my heart and always will. The ache does become less, but it is still there. I miss evrything about him and have tears in my eyes as I am writing this.
I joined a grief support group through my church and developed a friendship with three other widows. We do things together at least once a month. I also now go out for breakfast every Sunday after church, with other widows from our parish. We have a friendship and each of us has lost our husbands. One has been a widow for 21 years and tells us the longer they are gone, the more we miss them. That for me is true. I miss everything about Red(his nickname}. His name was Leonard, but when younger had this gorgeous strawberry blonde hair. He always kept his hair just so. He still combed his hair every night before going to bed and always carried a comb in his pocket.
I just want to let you girls know, you will make it. Our loving God is always with you and I truly beleive our husbands are in a better place and they are watching over us.
If any of you want to e-mail me, my address is patj@new.rr.com
God Bless you and I keep everyone on this site in my prayers.

Mar 07, 2013
Painful: by Nirmala
by: Liz

I too have been having a very desperate time of this loss of my husband. He too worried about me even when he was so sick. He didn't want to leave me because he was so worried, and he knew me so well that I would suffer once he died.

I do not sleep. I get 3 times a night. I wake up for good at around 3:30 a.m. or 4, and then I just stay in bed crying, thinking, and more thinking about everything we both went through; I remember a bad car accident that we survived, and I remember picking up my husband in an ice storm, he was stranded at the bus depot. I was so scared to drive, afraid I would slip off the road, but I made it, and I remember his happiness to see me safe. He drove the way back home, safe were we both. I cannot remember the good things; it seems that the bad things haunt me night and day.

This pain is too much, and I just want to go be with him. He won't return, but I asking God to return him. Our life ended when he died. For me, I have nothing I want to live for.

I am sorry that my words are no comfort, but I am just letting you know that my pain is like your pain, no worse, no better. I exist to die soon.
I hate this life without my husband by my side.

Liz

Mar 06, 2013
Painful
by: Nirmala

I really wonder if the pain will ever stop. I keep thinking although I was the one cooking and being nurturing, my husband more than did his part, I am a vegetarian and where ever we went he would tell the person concerned that I do not eat meat and if there was something for me to eat. This he had been doing ever since we met. I feel so desperate at times, nobody in this world can ever be close like that. I would finish his sentences all the time. Everyday I start my day crying, Luckily I have been able to sleep quite nicely. I really don't know how to go on.

Mar 05, 2013
Pain, and I understand: Nirmala & Dawn
by: Liz

To both Nirmala & Dawn,

I write on this blog often, as Nirmala knows.

I have that pain in my chest, feel sick, and it's all the crying I do about my deceased husband. He had pancreatic/liver cancer, fought or 10 months and died in July, at home.

I have just existed; I am lonely, scared, wake up most mornings in a panic, and the second I am awake I remember my husband is gone. I keep asking God to send him back; that isn't going to happen. At first, I was angry at God, but I want to be reunited with my husband, and I have asked God's forgiveness for everything, and to please understand me.

Nirmala, I took care of my Mom for 12 years-she had Alzheimer's, and it was very difficult. But I loved her, still do, and she passed at 97 years of age because I kept her at home, in good care, but finally her heart went. She and my Dad are gone, and I'd give anything to have them back, and my husband too.

I am alone, no children. I have no idea how to go on, I keep thinking about my husband who didn't want to leave me; I miss him, and I miss our life together. At first, I didn't want to pray, but now I do because what else can I do: if I am to believe there is a Heaven, I want to go there and be with those whom I love and miss so much.

Life is horrible here; but it will not get better.
God will decide what my future is. But I know that He knows how much I am suffering here on Earth. So does my husband. I am probably making him and my parents worry and cry for me the way I carry on with this grief.

Always,
Liz

Mar 05, 2013
Pain
by: Nirmala

The chest pain has been constant for me too, the worst part is I cannot tell my family about how I really feel because my brother already had a panic attack and went to the hospital, my brother did CPR on my husband. So, for now I walk around like I am doing ok, but I feel so helpless. Another thing I am getting very scared is my mother wants to live with me because I am all alone with my kids. I am extremely scared, we are four siblings in all and looks like I would have to take care of my mother and in all honesty she will treat me like her mother and I do not want to take on more at this point in my life. I want to be left alone to grieve. Sometimes she does not know the boundaries, she uses my bathroom when she could use the other one. She claims it is one less bathroom to clean but my son uses the other one anyway. She went to my sister's house in Florida and since she cannot get along with her son in law and their dog she is coming back today, less than week is all she managed to stay there.

Mar 04, 2013
I understand
by: Dawn

Barbara,
I know what you are feeling. My husband died 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am struggling to find my "purpose" since he is gone. We did not have any children together so the house is quiet and I am alone. My chest hurts when I think about my Mike. It is like a hole is in my heart that will never go away. People keep telling me it will get better but how do they know? they have not gone through this. My husband too was diagnosed with Stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer a year ago. He was doing well until he broke his arm and had to have a rod placed. He never recovered from the surgery.
I wish I could tell you it is going to be alright but I don't know. I will pray for you and everyone else who is going through this horrible change.

Mar 03, 2013
The house is so quiet, and I can't accept his death
by: Anonymous

Today, as every other day since my husband died, our home is so quiet, you can hear a pin drop. No more listening to his TV as I pranced about cleaning, or cooking. No more hearing that gentle familiar snore, and no more hearing him laugh, or say I love you, or thank you for the littlest thing I did for him. No more music, no more seeing him doing chores inside and outside, nomore of anything, except wondering where he is, is he happy, does he see me, does he remember me, is he waiting for me, and DOES HE WANT TO BE HOME AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM HOME.

No one understands unless they've been through it that having your husband around for over 40years, and then he's gone, you can't describe the feelings and thoughts that go through your head every second, when you eat, when you are in the shower, when you cook, clean, anything you do, he is in your heart and on your mind, 24/7, but he is not with you. You are alone, totally alone, and you sometimes forget for a second and think you can go tell him you feel sick, or tired, or what should be eat or watch on tv? It is horrible. I look for him everywhere. I asked God so many times why He can't just return my husband to me, even for a little while? Im not crazy, just wishing it could come true.

Sometimes, I say, why go on because each day will be the same, it will not change: I want him here, and he will not be coming home ever again. So, why go on-for him, or he may be upset with me?
He must know what I am going through without him; doesn't he miss me the same way? Maybe, once you die, you forget your past and you just go on. I do not know, it's a mystery that tears at my heart every second. Where is he????? It's difficult to be one person, instead of a couple. Couples all over are laughing, maybe fighting, but at least they are together. We are no longer together, and I never thought I would be writing on this blog, never. It's always the other guy, but no, it's me, my husband is dead, there, I said the word, "dead," and it's horrible to think about it--it is a finality that I just hate.

I don't even know how to keep busy, so I look up blogs, read them, look up doctors to help me because my immune system from all this stress and crying is upside down. MY stomach is sick, I get twitches, crawling feelings in my leg, and in my eye; I feel sad all the time, scared, and I don't know how long I can go on this way. I don't want to even live another day, no less 10 more, or 10 years more. How? How do I go that long without him. I cannot even believe now he is gone and not coming home.

Will someone out there tell me what to do? How can I get him to let me know he cares still, loves me, and is watching over me always, just like I am thinking about him all the time, even when I sleep (I hardly sleep), I'm restless, sick, and confused.


Mar 03, 2013
Lonely life
by: Nirmala, New York

Today my sister in law wants me to go with her to a mall not far from home, this is the first time we will be going to a mall, the last time I went was when my husband was still alive and I was trying to do my christmas shopping. I had bought a few things for him in anticipation of his trip to India, he was supposed to travel the following weekend. I have to wait for more than 15 years to get Medicare i don't think my husband's clinic will give Cobra, anyway I will be better off going back to work. Thank God I have a graduate degree in library science, although it is not very easy to get a job right now in New York, the economy is bound to improve.

Mar 03, 2013
Nirmala: I feel so lonely...
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I am responding to your March 3rd, 2013 message about loneliness and your dog.

It's good that you have kids to comfort you, especially your daughter who sleeps in your room.
I have no children, no dog; and I am very lonely.
I wasn't lonely when it was just me and my husband, and I needed no one else, but I didn't think he would die so young, and I'd be left alone. I wish I had gone instead of him.

When he died, I had to get (in U.S.) what they call COBRA INSURANCE--iT IS very expensive, but now that I will turn 65, I will get medicare for less, and I took out my own medical supplemental insurance for medical bills, hospital bills, and then I took out dental and prescription drug insurance. It is costly, and hard on me, but like you said, we lost our husbands, our insurance, etc. Most of all I lost part of my life. I am not happy.

My niece and her husband visited yesterday, yet I could not laugh, I could only feel the loss of my husband at the table as we ate dinner. I live far from everyone, and I don't see them.

I, too, don't like to get "clingy" because friends can listen for so long, then they forget about you. Really, I can't say that there will be a good friend by my side always. People now a days are selfish, busy, and dont care unless it happens to them.

I HATE NOT HAVING MY HUSBAND ALIVE; AND SOMETIMES I BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT HAVING HIM TAKING MORE TESTS, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE WAR IN VIETNAM, AND ESPECIALLY BECAUSE YOU CANNOT COUNT ON ALL DOCTORS. THEY ARE TOO BUSY THESE DAYS, AND IN MY OPINION, THEY DO NOT REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO RESEARCH EACH CASE THOROUGHLY.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHAT CAUSED MY HUSBAND'S CANCER? NO ONE KNOW ANY REAL ANSWERS, SO I LET MY HEAD GO CRAZY.

He is gone, I lost him, I feel like I shall always think of it that way: I LOST MY HUSBAND, AND I CANNOT LOVE HIM AND BE WITH HIM HERE IN OUR HOUSE. I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW.

LIZ

Mar 03, 2013
I feel so lonele
by: Nirmala

I have been feeling very lonely, I should at least try to make friends, the few friends I have do call and talk but I do not want to become clingy. My teenagers are usually busy doing their own thing, but I have realized my daughter does not go out just to keep an eye on me, she actually sleeps in my room. Maybe better weather will make it better. Also both my sisters are planning to visit me during the summer break, that would help a lot. My two dogs are really so wonderful, my chocolate lab does not leave my side. He literally licks my tears off every time I cry. The day we moved into this new house, my husband brought two more dogs for security, thankfully I convinced him to give them up for adoption. If not I would have been stuck with four dogs. Since I have these big dogs as it is I am unable to take any vacations. I need to look for a job in the near future so as to get medical insurance for the kids and I, that is another issue nobody thinks about when a spouse is no more. nbhattacharya@yahoo.com

Mar 02, 2013
So Painful: Nirmala
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

So, your wonderful husband was a doctor. Sometimes the doctors don't know. My husband's doctor told me that even though he is a cancer specialist, his 2 wives died of cancer; so, he couldn't help them, and didn't even catch it in time. His first wife died, and he re-married, and then she, too, died of the terrible cancer too.

I am sure your husband is proud of you and his children.

Why did he die so young, you ask, and I ask the same thing. Many months before my husband was ill, he and I spoke about being old together and taking care of each other, even if we lived to 90. He, too, was trying to do things until about one week before he passed way. I feel that he died knowing he left me, and many things he wanted to accomplish.

I question why he got this cancer; and sometimes I think maybe I should have had things checked more. I keep blaming myself, as though I am being punished for losing him. Death of a loved one does this to people because we feel guilty that we are living without them.

When will this pain go way? For me, NEVER.

Regards, Liz

Mar 02, 2013
So painful
by: Nirmala

This has been the most painful two months and three weeks of my life. I thought I would die when my father died 10 years ago, now looking back I wish my husband lived to be a 70 year old, I would have nothing to complain about. How could he die at 50? He had to do every thing in a hurry. He had to be doing something all the time, even his last weekend he would not stay still even to drink a cup of coffee, he went to the yard to rake the leaves. He was a medical doctor and he still did not realize something was not right, he died Tuesday early in the morning. He was very proud of the kids. I am sure they will make him proud like always.

Mar 01, 2013
Not really angry with my husband
by: Nirmala

I guess he just had to go. I am not even able to think at times. Life is just so unfair. My husband wanted the kids to go away for college. But I insisted I wanted them to complete their under graduate degree staying home, I would have been all alone if I had agreed to send them away. I have to think about the time we spent together and be happy at least I got those 23 years with him, he was crazy, he wanted every thing done correct. Now I have to pick up the pieces and do my best with the kids. If I can fight for what is rightfully my husband's, I might even be able to save this house that he fell in love with.

Mar 01, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

I have felt so many of the same things many of you are saying.I have had to figure out a lot of things I never thought I would have to deal with.My husband took GOOD care of his entire family! He loved us all so much and didn't wont me to worry about anything.He told me the day he passed that it would be OK,so it will be OK.He never said it would be easy!He did not want to get cancer and he fought to his last breath.He was a real HERO!I have to believe he is watching over me and guiding me.I am still his wife and always will be.We were a team.I am angry at God and have many unanswered questions but i never for one second blame my husband!!!My life has changed forever and i cry everyday. There are days I have a hard time just putting my cloths on but I hear him saying "IT WILL BE OK"It has only been 5 weeks and the grief gets worse everyday.There isn't any right or wrong answers.I just take it day by day and hour by hour.






Feb 28, 2013
Response to liz
by: Nirmala

My husband's car was also leased too, I gave that up. The car he bought for me was on his name, I don't even know why he did that, he was buying the car for me and I was to give my car to my daughter, she just got her license. So now we have two cars and very soon my 17 year old son will have learn driving and the father is not here to teach him, I hope there is no God if not it makes me wonder how a god can be this cruel, we are decent people doing all the right things in life why then should we suffer. Today I realized I will be called a mother till I die but now that my husband is no more, I am not even married anymore, I really hate all these changes, feels like my identity itself is supposed to be different now. I keep thinking if I was the one to go before my husband what would he have done. I feel he was being very selfish, I really wish I could have one conversation with him.

Feb 28, 2013
Response to Nirmala
by: Liz

Nirmala,

I am in the same situation as you, a little different: my husband leased a car, not knowing he was going to die and the company tried to make me pay for it. I did my research, and I did not have to pay for it, I never signed the papers.
Also, they tried to get tax money from me for the car; I won that situation too.

I, too, went from a hard-working, very successful husband, to a husband who suddenly was sick, and could no longer work. But, I don't care about anything; I would give up everything I own if he could come back.

My heart hurts too much; today I cried a lot.

I once had an Indian friend who helped me take care of my ill mother; and she was not in a good marriage which she is out of of now. But, you see, my husband taught me never to put everyone in the same category, and your good husband is the exception to the rule that you say Indian husbands don't usually respect their wives. I am happy you, like me, had a great husband.

I too, decided to keep the car--the last thing he purchased for me and my safety.

Life has taken a bad turn for us: one day, great, then misery. They are (what I believe) in Heaven with God. That is my faith and belief.
What you believe could be different, but it does not matter to me, my mind is open to everyone's beliefs, traditions, etc.

We somehow must get through this, but today, I tell you I was beside myself with grief. I keep thinking that he can come back.

I pray for you, I pray for me that we may somehow find out way through our agony and sadness.

Liz

Feb 28, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: debbieAnonymous

it has been 5 weeks since I lost my husband.I have been trying to get all the things taken care of that had to be. It never stops! I don't know how to figure all this out!!! I was suppose to go order his headstone today but I cancelled. I just could not get my cloths on and go out.I cant even go to the store to get food.It takes all I have just to breath. The pain and loneliness just gets worse.I have so many questions left unanswered.I am angry all the time.I know he had cancer and its not his fault he died,he fought till his last breath.He would never talk about what I should do after.He was so weak his last 2 days that he couldn't and his mind was not clear.I need answers that I know I will never have....

Feb 28, 2013
We are all in the same place called Misery
by: Nirmala

I never thought it would be this miserable. We did so much together, most Indian husbands treat their wives with some kind of disrespect, but my husband was always proud to go out with me. Even when his friends would want to hang out with him he would ask me along. I would refuse to go with him, those same friends are not here I have seen them a couple of times in this period. One thing is very certain our husbands would want us to treat ourselves with more care and respect. Yesterday I picked up my husband's repossessed car, it will cost me a lot of money but I cannot let the last gift he bought for me go. He had traded his old car in and put the old licence plates for the new car. I want to hold on to it. I have so much to do, I have so many bills to take care of. I do not have a resume, I was thinking I would go back to work when the kids were in college, now I have to go back whether I like it or not, feeling quite depressed.

Feb 27, 2013
Another response to Nirmala
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,

Thank you for writing in a message to me.

I, too, am grateful for the 46 years we knew each other--married for 44 years; and I, too, would rather have that than 100 with another person.

No couple is perfect: I can tell you we had some really bad fights, with my temper, etc., but always made up, respected each other and just lost our way with words, etc. But, he knew that I loved him so much when he died by the way I cared for him in every way.

I keep being told the pain gets better; for me, it has gotten worse than the first day if that is possible; because when he died, I must have been in a daze or shock, because I think I hurt more now and cry more than before.

What are we supposed to do: we are in our homes without our husbands -- I am sure your husband worked hard to keep a good home and life for you as mine did his entire life. I feel that he never really had a chance to deserve a rest from his hard work, and I know it hurt him that his plans for us were not to be. I saw the sadness in his eyes. One time he told me during his illness (in the beginning of it), "I ruined our lives." That pierced my heart. He didn't ruin our lives, the cancer did. But I believe he was so sad that his life took this bad turn.

I am never going to have a fixed heart, I don't care what others say, write, or tell me. The only reason I must go on is because my husband would want that no harm comes to me by me, and God, too.

Yet, going on is difficult. If I can't go on after 7 months, how can I keep going after maybe 5 or 10 years. I want to see him. And, I am told we are reunited in Heaven, but this may sound selfish, I want him back here where we could share our joy in our home, our town, and be a married couple going on with life here.
I don't know what Heaven is like, but I feel I better have more faith and trust the Bible and God for what it says.

I am so confused; and this pain is killing me day by day, more and more.

Thank you for reading my sorrow. For, I know you understand, and I understand your sorrow. No one's sorrow in these circumanstances are worse or less. Perhaps we are different people, had different types of lives, husbands, but we lost the man we love so much--so WE ARE THE SAME IN THAT WAY.

Liz

Feb 27, 2013
Response to Liz
by: Nirmala

Do not give up on living then there is nothing else in this world. I started doubting God from 12/11/12, my worst day on this earth. I still do not like to think about religion because it has not given me comfort. I still talk to my husband a lot. I was 25 when I met him, I am still not 50. I don't know I have in this world, but I have decided for myself I want to live with dignity grace and kindness. Life is not about me anymore. My husband used to buy me jewelry all the time, I made him stop. Maybe I was preparing for this and also my husband was encouraging me to take care of the car and whatever else. One thing I realized I would still my husband over anybody else, don't get me wrong we were far from the loving doting couple. We fought but we also made up and cared about each other. I could easily finish his sentences. But in the end I am happy I had the 23 years with him than 100 years with somebody else.

Feb 26, 2013
Nirmala Reply to you...
by: Liz

Dear Mirmala,

I too find it difficult to go out alone, even shopping for food or to the post office. I cry in the car, in the parking lot, at the store, and all the way home.

I too scratched up my car making a too-soon turn out of my driveway. I got so upset with myself, and I wondered how my husband would have reacted: at first he'd have said, "You have to take your time, and not go out with things on your mind." Then, he'd comfort me and say it's just an accident and the car can be fixed, but you can't."

Now, he was not fixed, he died of a horrible cancer, and I feel sick, depressed, and hate everything. I just exist.

I don't even know what I'm writing this; nothing helps me. Why am I still here without him? I hate being alive without him.

Liz

Feb 26, 2013
REsponse to Nirmara re options
by: Anonymous

Dear Nimara,

I believe you responded by my writing about choices I am pondering: I miss my husband so badly that I want him to return; but I know that is impossible, unless God is going to perform a modern-day miracle for us.

So, either I stay and wait until I die and hope I join God and my husband; or do I decide to just go, then it's a sin, and I will not see God or

my husband ever again.

I'm depressed, feel very sick, and lonely and sad and full of fear of the unknown.


Feb 26, 2013
To Nirmala, in response to my options
by: Anonymous

Nirmala, I think on 2/26/2013 you were referring to me saying on this blog that I had options: go on, or live in torture. I miss my husband too much, and I am in such a deep depression that I don't know what I want to do. Will God forgive me if he knows how my state of mind is and that I just can't go on?

Feb 26, 2013
Suicide not an option
by: Nirmala

Dying is just not an option, I said the same when my husband passed away, how nice it would be not to wake up the next day. Believe me when I tell you there is a purpose for why we are living. It is very important to accept it. I was in so much pain, I was eating just to show people that I am still eating and drinking water, I have lost so much weight my family started noticing, now I try to watch and make sure I eat a few times a day. The only thing that is helping is to talk to other people in the same situation. I have a friend that lost her husband three years ago, she comes and stays with me and we just talk and that helps me a lot.

Feb 25, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

Well,today was Lenny's 52nd birthday.We took balloons to the cemetery and watched them float into the clouds.The pain gets worse each day and the anger continues.I never thought I would be along at this age.The thought of never having him to hold me or touch me again is more than I can take!! How do I just let go of the last 38 years of my life? Praying every night that God will take me as I sleep!There is no answer....

Feb 25, 2013
In between choices, to go on or not to go on
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 44 years, to that lousy pancreatic/liver cancer, and I am not accepting his death, even after 7 months.

I am in between decision: go on, or don't go on.
If I (as a Catholic), choose to end my life, I do not get to Heaven and see God, and I will never see my husband again, even though I really want him back here in our house with me now.

If choose to go on, it is torture, painful, and each day is a struggle.

Third choice: best, pray that I just die in my sleep over a broken heart.

Angry, sad, upset, grieving, alone, lost, anxious, and missing him too much and hate life now.

Feb 20, 2013
Breaking Hearts
by: Vivien

I feel for everone of you. My heart hurts so much after losing Raymond 10 days ago. Yours must be hurting just the same. You just keep wanting that person to walk in through the door, or be by the side of you when you wake in the morning but they are not I truly hope that your hearts start to hurt a little less as I hope mine does eventually but my memories will be at the fore front of mind as I think all yours will.

Feb 20, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: Debbie

It has been 4 weeks today that Lenny passed. The pain gets worse and the anger has taken over.There is something to take of everyday.I just wont to stay in the bed.I cry when I have to leave the house.People seem to be going on with their normal life's and I am stuck in 1-23-13.Lenny's birthday is the 25th and I know more pain will come.I was a mess on valentines day.We have been together since age 12.We never did anything apart!People say the pain will ease but I don't think so.Still talking to him all the time.I have so many questions left unanswered.Why would God take him?He was only 51 years old.We were suppose to grow old and die together.Praying God will take me soon and this pain will stop.

Feb 20, 2013
It is over two months and nine days since my husband died
by: Nirmala

The raw pain is not so bad all the time, I still cry all the time. He was only 50 what was the rush, he had to do everything, a perfectionist in everything. Now I have had to learn to eat and go out into the public. Hopefully improved weather will make it better for my teenagers and I. Thankfully my sisters and their families will visit us in summer. Life goes on with difficulty, I scratched up my car the other day and my daughter was telling me daddy will not yell at you now. I was telling her I would rather get yelled at for something stupid I did and also have him help me in everything. He used to take care of my car, on Nov. 2 he changed the oil in my car I have to do it again and I am scared to go because I am going to cry in front of everybody, what a life. The worst part is I am not even 50 so I still might have a long life left

Feb 19, 2013
I LOVE YOU MORE
by: DebbieI

I was glad to hear from others after my post.There inst anything we can say to ease each others pain .My pain and anger gets worse each day.People think I'm crazy and suggest I see a Dr. My husband died in my arms. He hemorrhaged, blood just started pouring out of his mouth,it was everywhere,I was covered and there was not anything I could do.I just kept begging him to wake up! How do I get that out of my mind? I sleep in the same bed it happened.Im sorry if this is to graphic but it is my reality!Praying every night I wont wake up.I just wonder around lost.

Feb 19, 2013
I'm physically and emotionally sick after my husband died
by: Anonymous

I cannot go on because I am too distraught, and the doctors blame my stomach trouble, my sick feeling on my depression, but I was sick before my husband passed.

I am so lost, I don't know whom to trust. Everyone thinks grief should end after a month. Mine will never end, unless I die, too.

We did everything together and the memories are constantly on my mind; and so is his last breath he took. It haunts me, it hurts, and I am too weak to want to do anything but stay home, cry, and just do what I have to do.

God, I beg you to help. Is it you want to, but I don't deserve it for any sins, or why? I beg forgiveness for wanting to die, I know you don't want to hear that. My husband doesn't want to hear that, but he truly knew that his death would do this to me.

God, for you I will try.

Hurting, sick, and in a fog.

Feb 19, 2013
To Barbara Robins
by: Anonymous

Dear Barbara,

I feel so much of your pain that I feel as though you took my pen and wrote exactly what I am feeling. Like you, I lost my husband of almost 44years, and I have been through every single emotion you are going through. God is pray to by me, and I know His answers are not coming because well, maybe He is answering in another way.

As well as heart-broken, devastated, you name it, I feel physically sick