My Sweet Angel Baby Charles
by Dara Sawyer
(Palmyra, NJ USA)
Pregnant with Charles
I am creating this page in honor of my son Charles F. Sawyer IV. My husband and I found out we were pregnant in March of 2011, while stationed out in Fort Lewis, WA. My husband was in the Army and was scheduled to deploy sometime in June of the same year. Needless to say this left us feeling a range of emotions, from nervous and scared to excited.
It all seemed so surreal until I saw my son on the very first ultrasound. They showed the flash that was his tiny heart beating. From that moment on I was so in love with this little person that I had not yet met.
My husband deployed and I moved back home to NJ to live with family so I wasn’t alone during my pregnancy. It was summer time and I decided to celebrate my birthday by taking a day trip to the beach with 2 of my closest friends. It was this day that would forever change my life.
While sunbathing on the beach, I felt my son kick for the very first time. This feeling was so amazing; words can’t even describe the feeling I had. It was this same day that I ended up in the hospital experiencing pre term labor. How could this be happening to me? I am only 22 weeks pregnant! It isn’t time for him to be born. Please someone help me!
The hospital was unable to stop my contractions and I was told that I would be giving birth to my baby “today”. I delivered my son at 0022 on Monday, July 18th 2011. Charles was too small and his lungs to underdeveloped to survive.
I was able to hold my son, sing to him, express my love for him and apologize to him for not keeping him safe. Instead of leaving the hospital with a beautiful baby boy I left with a box of his belongings and footprints.
This little boy changed me. I had never known such love and yet so much pain. I felt alone in my grief and depression for several months. I came across The TEARS Foundation and that is where I began to properly grieve and was surrounded by other parents who had also lost a child. Since then we have walked in honor of our son every year at the Tears Walk. Charles has given me the strength and courage to help other mothers through their grief.
I have started a walk in South Jersey and Philadelphia to honor all babies lost during pregnancy and infancy. I believe that helping others during this time of their lives helps me keep Charles’ name alive and it helps me in my own grieving process.
Not one day goes by that I don’t think of my first-born son and how much I miss him. I love you so very much my little monkey.