My sweet baby is gone
The last two years of my life have been one loss after another. First my stepmother was gone. Then my sibling and I became estranged. Then my close friends retired and moved away. We keep in touch but it is not the same. As all this went on, I was feeding the most beautiful feral cat, and she was getting tamer. I wanted to take her in if she would let me get closer. Then she brought her kitten by to learn to "hunt" at my food dish.
I caught the kitten, got her cleaned up, and she was mine. She was so beautiful in her tuxedo look, with long fur as soft as silk. Everyone who met her thought she was the sweetest cat. She would crawl into my arms and want to be held like a baby or sleep in my lap every day. Meantime, her mother stopped coming by. I grieved over her for weeks--I did not expect that, but I had my two cats. My older cat got cancer and died after many weeks of caring for her. But still I had my kitten. My workplace decided to have people work from home, so I stopped seeing people every day. My kitten became my daily contact with a living thing. I have groups I go to, but the cat became my daily support. She wasn't right somehow, and I took her to the vet. We couldn't find what was wrong. She was getting worse and I took her back. After a day, he thought I could take her home. I did. She was weak and her beautiful long fur was cut off where she had loose bowels. She was miserable and smelled bad. It was traumatic. I tried to clean her up some. Later she started to cry in pain, was too weak to walk and looked to me for help. I took her to emergency. She just went downhill. There was nothing to be done. She wasn't even a year old. When she died my pain came out in wails. I sounded like an animal wailing from the bottom of my soul. I couldn't stop. I more deeply than when my mother died, and I can’ stop as I write now. My sweet innocent baby didn’t deserve to suffer so, and I can’t help thinking what I might have done better and maybe save her. I tell myself not to think that, though, because I can’t change it. I still expect her to crawl into my arms, and I hug a very soft scarf that feels almost like her when it gets too much. I looked online for friends-only sites today. I know I have to make an effort to round out my life. My sweet kitty can never be replaced. I do miss her so.