My sweet husband...
An African friend of mine was concerned that I did not have a husband. So he called me one day and said "I am bringing your husband to the wedding". I said "I will find my own husband, please do not do this".
But I went ahead to my friends wedding and we met and 6 months later we were married and I said thank you to the intuitive African matchmaker.
Then the trouble started. I loved him like crazy but we were destined to disagree, an African traditional man with an extremely liberated and progressive woman.
But anytime he walked in the room he made me smile and my love for him stayed solid and kept growing. How I enjoyed it when he just wanted to sit by the river next to me. Or he would be playing drums from across the house and speak to me through his music that he wanted me to come to him. Sweet.
Fast forward 10 years and 100's of musical performances and drum classes later. we brought his child here from Africa. We are a happy family still arguing but still in love.
but he keeps coughing. the doctors 3 times in 2010 said it is just scar tissue and he needs to be careful.
One day In August he comes home and collapses. Racing to the emergency room I think heart attack?
No. 4 hours later we find stage 4 lung cancer. After 2 weeks in the hospital and a month of consideration he decides that he will not accept western treatment and instead wants to return to Africa.
4 months later he dies in my arms. december of 2010. We went to Africa for 1 month before he died and he said goodbye to his family. he died two weeks after we returned home.
How I miss him. How sad I am to raise his son with no blood relatives less than 4000 miles away. His birth mom in her limited english emailed me and said "if you want to see him, look in your son's eyes. And she is right.
I cry, I try to not cry in front of my son because he said "mom I can't stand your tears". I am respecting that.
I think my husband will walk back in the door but he never does.
how I love my husband and what he gave me.
Music, nature laughter, joy, smiles and my child.
Some days I am ok. I have been going through his belongings this past week, a task I have been avoiding but finally felt ready for.
But when they called today to ask what I want on his gravestone all hell broke loose. Back to my withering tears. they are private. My child is happily playing a video game and we need to clean the house and pack for a trip and damn sometimes it's just too much.
Go to hell God, sorry about that, I will forgive you as soon as possible.