my sweet john

The end of march this year, my son wasn't feeling well because he was laid off and had no insurance, he put off going to the doctor. His lungs were full of fluid. On march 27th, they drained his lungs and sent him home.
That Friday they did a ultrasound of his heart, and said he had fluid around his heart. The day they drained it, the doctor came out and told my husband and I they had to close him back, he had a inoperable malignant tumor on his heart.
Turns out if was angiosarcoma, so rarely only 17 cases ever reported in the world. They sent him home to die, he was living with his girlfriend at the time. The next morning my husband texted him and he called us and said he wanted to come home to die. They put a drain in his chest and I drained his lung every day. Hospice was called in. His three brothers came from Afghanistan, Alaska and California
one by one. On Friday the 29th he came and laid in my lap and told me had to go, he was good with god and to call a priest. The next morning at 8:05 he died with all of us by his side.
He had just turned 40 and it has been 32 days, and I think about him nonstop. I went back to work (in fact took an extra job) to pay for the funeral. I didn't know how much sorrow and grief never stop, i wonder if a day will come when I don't think about and miss him

Comments for my sweet john

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Jun 05, 2011
letters for my boys and husband
by: Anonymous

My son John 5 weeks ago (angiosarcoma) I didn't realize grief and sadness could be so intense and it seems it doesn't stop bur it is always on your mind. My husband and I grief different and I know he loves and supports me, but i am kinda of jealous, I heard him singing in the back yard today and wondered if I would ever sing again. I have three other sons, John was the oldest and I am going to write them a letter telling them how much I love them, and try to comfort them when I am gone. I want them to live life to the fullest and hope they never have to grief like this. I am 60 years old, and have a pretty good life. But 4 years ago I found my sister dead in her apartment two months after our dad died. She was 53 years old.She was on prescription drugs and she was an addicted to prescription drugs. I tried to help her, but we were kinda of estranged the last few months she was alive, she refused to admit she had a problem and told me to mind my own business. I am me, I miss her so.
That was 4 years ago and I just am starting to heal but I really think every day for the rest of my life will be sad.
Lately I just wish I would pass on, but I am trying to be strong for my husband, boys and grandkids. I made a pack along time ago with each my sons that no matter what they would not consider suicide an option, my son that died made me promise him that I would go on

Jun 05, 2011
So sorry
by: Sally

I am so sorry for your loss...I find comfort in these web pages but I also get very sad...my son also died of angiosarcoma six months ago...actually my son had great insurance and was followed by a doctor but they never suspected anything was wrong...I have been devastated by his death because Nate was a wonderful, kind young man who was also my best friend. This grieving of an adult child is almost too much for me. I know Nate would want me to stay strong. Hope you know that all of us in this terrible club share your pain and a hope for a better future.

Jun 05, 2011
Sweet John
by: TrishJ

To answer your question, no the day will not come when you stop missing and thinking about John. My husband died 6 months ago and I think I miss him more as the time goes by. We loved them so much they will always be in our hearts. We are supposed to mourn and grieve for them. That's the price we pay for loving. The more we loved the longer and harder we grieve. There is an emptiness in us and our hearts are battered and bruised.
I really am sorry for your loss. To lose a child is one of life's hardest journeys. We aren't supposed to bury our children. They are supposed to cry at our funerals and miss us.
God's blessings to you. I hope you find some happiness today. Just take things one breath, one step at a time.
PJ

Jun 03, 2011
I'm so sorry
by: Anonymous

This is why everyone needs and deserves health insurance. My daughter passed because she waited too long to go to the doctor's because of no insurance. You will never stop thinking about your child and the pain is always with you. But, you just learn to live with it and remember good memories of your child. No parent should every have to go through this. It doesn't seem so, but you will have good moments again. Hugs to you.

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