My Sweet John's Birthday

by Colleen
(Elk grove Ca)

I posted recently and want to thank you for the kind words. I know only you understand, my son John died on April 30,2011, I changed that day and don't think I will ever be the same and even think the only peace I will have I s when I join him, because this so hard day after day.
His birthday is September 12, we moved from Utah to Elk grove, Ca last year because living in the house he died in tortured me. Any way I had planned to get him a cake
and go to cemetery with happy birthday balloon and release it in his honor. My mom and Dad and sister have passes away, so I wanted my husband's mother father and sisters to join us ( my sons are in Bahrang, Alaksa and one just moved here) I am sure my son will join me, but last night My husbands sister called and decided they can't come, they planned to go to San Francisco instead. This really hurts, they never mention my son, in fact neither does my husband.. I know it has been two years since he died, but I still think of him ever day.....this is so hard
Any advice?

Comments for My Sweet John's Birthday

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Nov 21, 2013
how others react
by: Anonymous Joe's mom

I am sorry your in-laws did not respect the importance of the occasion for many times, our families let us down, especially emotionally. I am glad you went ahead with your plans and remembered your son as that is how we honor their lives. My husband and son have said they must move on, they have no notion of the emotional upheaval I continue to feel daily, unless I tell them. I know most others cannot understand and I would rather visit my younger son (whether at his grave or in a beautiful place elsewhere) alone mostly. My husband helped me decorate his grave the first time, but I know he does not understand my need in that area and my living son has no emotional connection to my needs, never has. He did not want to be alone, so he is living with us at the moment, but he does not provide comfort to me. His younger brother Joe was the one who did that.
I wrote for first time on here recently and find reading helpful in knowing much is common among us. I am wishing you any comfort to be found during the upcoming holidays. Relatives say the WORST things, trying to be comforting or
ask just the WRONG things. Mostly, I do not really want to be around them, because life goes on and I am not ready for that train. Life stands for me in grief, with mostly grey clouds, a few sunrays bursting through and I think, where is my sunshine, oh yeah, he died this year, please pass the potatoes. Unfortunately, with the holidays coming, I have tried hard not to project forward, as the interrogations instead of caring questions, the thoughtless comments best left unsaid and the platitudes that make me want to scream will be unavoidable... but I am hoping for a day of games and laughs and new memories, food and lightness instead of the whole day remembering who is now missing. I wish all the same, as like it or not, I will be seeing a lot of family and some are more sensitive than others. Best wishes to you in your grief journey.

Sep 09, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

Grief is so hard,hurts so much when we loose our child! My son was 39 when his 40th birthday came,I was so hurt that he was gone instead. I somehow survived the day. You will too. It will hurt deep inside but you will make it. I don't know how all us mothers on here who are in pain and lost from our life before this keep going except by the grace of God. What can I do on my own with no strength. He keeps me going when I think I don't want to. Others need me too, I am here for them. We struggle on this path but you are not alone,on here we understand the true pain that you have. Heartfelt love to you.

Sep 08, 2013
by: Anonymous

Colleen - I am sorry for the loss of your son. I lost mine January 2011 - and your words spoke right to my heart. No one seems too want to talk about my son. My husband too. Am I the only one who wants to keep remembering him ? I feel so alone with this sometimes. I know people care and they probably don't know what to say but I want to hear his name.... Dear God please someone say his name ! ! I release balloons on my sons birthday too. The first year - grandparents came, my other son , grandchildren. This year just my son and his family and I am thinking its going to come to the time when it is only me. I will keep trying to keep his memory alive even if it is only me. God Bless you Colleen and keep on doing what you need to do for your Sweet John.

Sep 07, 2013
Only a mum
by: Dianne

Such a short title, but what amazing love we feel. Lost my darling son my baby 9 months and 2days ago. Can,t even think of for ever. But know others have busy lives and can walk on. I like you will never let go of our child. They were and are adorable, and wonderful . And blow everyone else we will always celebrate that even if we do it alone. God bless

Sep 07, 2013
So sorry
by: Anonymous

Dear Colleen,
I am "new" in my grief....only 8 months since my Dad died,and all of the "firsts" are coming up. His birthday later on this month, holidays, etc. Sadly, other people move on and away from our grief, while we are in it everyday. I think about my dad ALL THE TIME and I know in two years I will still be doing the same thing. Honor your son and his memory however you need to, whenever you need to. I hope you visit this website and find support and comfort here. We all understand how you are feeling. Wishing you peace.

Sep 07, 2013
My Sweet John's Birthday
by: Doreen U.K.

Colleen I learned that only a Mom who carried that child within her for 9 months attached by an umbilical cord can understand what a Mother's love is!! Poor father can love a son by bonding with him but he cannot understand this love in the same way a mother does so we as mother's have to process this thinking by trying to view this thought from another perspective. Through the eyes of a Father and also the eyes of the other relatives who are not going to process this loss of your son as you do. This way your EXPECTATIONS will not hurt you so much. Of course it would be good if all those relatives who supported us at the funeral would still be here for us and carry on the same level of support. But they will all go on to their own lives in much the same way we may have done after a funeral. Relatives cannot keep hold of this grief in the same way we do. The LOSS of a loved one is CLOSER to us but not to them. When other people go through a loss. they will understand. But even we will not understand fully their loss to them because of the nature of the relationship each person has with the individual they lost. It is PERSONAL TO THEM. We can EMPATHISE with You because we know the Pain of Grief. We can support you. Pray for you. Offer you on going support. But in the end this is your PERSONAL grief. Only You will feel the DEPTH OF GRIEF like no one else ever could. This is also a privilege you don't share with anyone. It will make you feel SPECIAL as only a mother can FEEL. Many father's may be able to move on faster because they don't have this strong attachment a mother has. It doesn't mean they loved less. Just differently.
Some times I have a moment when I too feel. Where has everyone gone. Don't they care anymore. I then got to process my grief differently in much the same way as thinking People have been dying all around me all the time. Those people have gone through where I am now. WHERE HAVE I BEEN? This takes the STING out of my Lonely moments. I change my FOCUS. I then get through my grief better. It is not Self pity to think we have been forgotten. It is just the nature of grief. On the anniversary of my husband's death my sister came to the graveside and supported me by honouring my husband. They took me and my daughter after for a meal. I will never forget this. At the same time my youngest sister asked my sister and me to visit our father in a care home because they were going on holiday. Because we didn't go to see our Father but decided to honour my husband's first anniversary of death, she got angry and aggressive with us. We have now separated since she doesn't understand we all have needs. My need was just as important. She didn't agree. She saw her need as being more important. I hope this helps you and others.

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