My sweet Mom, taken far too soon
My mom had multiple sclerosis and was bedridden for the past few years. She never complained - she truly loved her life. Mom lived with me and has my whole life with the exception of 1 year when I first moved out. This February, her mom, my Gram, got sick and passed away. We thought we'd never recover. Then came June, and I had to get Mom to the hospital. She was septic.
So many things happened during the hospital stay. There were times we thought we'd lose Mom, times we knew she'd come home. It was never to be. We lost Mom September 10, 2013, at 6:40 p.m. All of us were at her bedside. Mom had not been communicative for at least a month, and I have no idea if she knew what was going on. That part scares me. She had said in the ER "Please don't let me die." That's my sweet Mom. As sick as she was, "please" still came out.
She was in the hospital 3 months. My sisters and I never left her alone - We stayed 12 hours day (me), 12 hours over night (middle sis), and weekend nights and weekday night visits (baby sis). We were her voice when she couldn't be. I'm shaking as I type this. There was just so much that went on, and so much that fills me with guilt.
People will tell me "your mom's not sick now," "your mom's at peace," "your mom would want you to...(insert anything here)" as if they truly know Mom. You know what Mom wanted? Mom wanted to LIVE. She loved this life even if it wasn't the same as the life of someone who is able to get out of bed.
It's all I can do to go past her bedroom door each day. I miss her to my core. I feel like a lost little girl, and I am nearly 45 years old. Mom is 65. And yes, she is 65. Her name is Jan. So many people use "was," as in "what was her name?" Mom still has a name. It just upsets me so much to hear people speak of her in past tense - Mom was here, act like it, please!
I wish we had more time to talk. I wish I knew if Mom was okay with the decisions we made in the hospital. I wish I knew if at the end Mom and God had talked on some other level and that Mom was okay to "go." I'm sure there are thousands of things like this that we all wish.
I'm grateful to you my sweet girl. I thank you for making me who I am and for loving me when I couldn't even love myself. I thank you for giving me my wonderful sisters, who in turn gave you your 2 granddaughters. I thank you for thinking everything mattered. Thank you for being such an amazing planner. Above all else, thank you for being my mom. Knowing everything I know now, all the pain we endured, I would still choose you to be my mom all over again. You are the most amazing mom, and I am truly blessed to be your daughter.
Just a side note, but as I go to enter the letters to submit my post, the word is "sunray." Mom is my sunshine. I always sang that song to her in the hospital. Could this be a sign from you my sweet girl? I love you more than life.