My sweet Rebekah... Left us after fighting leukemia three years
by janis cano
I have nine children and on Dec 29th of 2010 we lost our middle child, Rebekah, to leukemia. We spent 3 years trying to cure it which included a trip to Calif. / Mexico and eventually conventional treatment. She was diagnosed 2 mos after her 18th birthday and once the Dr's had left us to absorb the information she said "I don't want you and dad to try and decide for me...I need to make all the decisions that lie ahead" (and i think she knew that we would literally kill ourselves worrying about what path (s) to take - and we did anyway to some degree) So after being admitted to the hospital and 3 days of chemo, which not only killed the leukemia cells but also all of her good cells, she stayed in the hospital 5 wks. getting to where she could come home. After she was released -30 lbs lighter, she /we chose to try natural treatments first and went to Calif. The regiment this Dr prescribed required discipline and Beka tried for a while but being young and i think wanting to "live" life she wasn't as faithful as she should have. In the meantime she met a young man on the internet, and they began a relationship. But May of 2009, six months after her first round of chemo, her leukemia came back. So back into the hospital for another month of chemo and recovery.... And what we do as a family when our loved one is the hospital. We celebrate birthdays, mother and father's day... One thing i'm so thankful for is that we were able to be with her day and night; one of us stayed with her round the clock. Now that is cherished time even if it brings tears... She got out and we celebrated her graduation from high school which had been put on hold when she got sick; her 19th BD and then the following day she flew to Penn. to meet her boyfriend... she didn't come back :( She cried and cried so torn; wanting to fly -wanting to be normal and fall in love, get married. She stayed all of Aug. and Sept and flew back in Oct when she and her other four sisters here and I had a wedding shopping day. She and her husband were going to have a small ceremony (justice of the peace) there in Penn and then in January of 2010 they would fly to Colo and have the 'real' wedding with the gown and bridesmaids.... We had such a wonderful day that day too and we found the perfect gown :) I kept it here for her. In November i flew to Penn to be with her on her wedding day... Such a bittersweet time!! I flew back home and 2 weeks later she called and said her leukemia was back and would have to go into a hospital (which one!!??) for yet another round of chemo :( We decided as a family that i would fly back to be with her.... and what a 'chapter' that was! But i would do it again! She got such poor care there it was so pitiful :( Horrible! It was there that she and her husband decided to go ahead with the bone marrow transplant that the Dr's here had been wanting her to do but in Colorado. I stayed there 5 weeks (got to know my new son-in-law) and then flew back home. They came out about 4 weeks later as she was able. Chemo is just SO incredibly debilitating :( So we started with her 8 siblings to see who might be a good match and her brother Isaac who had just turned 18 was a "10". So we had high hopes for success!! And that was quite an ordeal - another chapter in its self. Beka, Paul and Isaac are my hero's!!! Long story short, she went in to Children's Hospital in Denver in June where she had the bone marrow transplant and then transitioned into a "home" near the hospital and if at the end of 90 days her counts were good and no leukemia - she could come home. We on our end had moved into a different home that was more in lines of being dust free and cleaner for her as they have to be so careful. We gave them the master bedroom with a bathroom and we were all set. I think it was about 10 days before the 90 period was up that the leukemia came back.... What to do now? The Dr's weren't so optimistic now...but there was always a 'stem cell transplant' that they could try... if nothing else it would buy her time. Again Isaac donated his stem cells.... All the while Beka was in the hospital she was so busy planning on the things she would cook, she started blogging and encouraging others on a cancer blog, she had sister time and parent time; she made cocoa and popcorn and read books together, watched movies, talked, cried, prayed, cried.... but she was SO brave and cheerful. And Paul just loved on her -ran for food that was never eaten, hugged her, verbally and physically he just loved her all the time. They slept together on her bed most of the time... so sweet and so sad. She loved ABSOLUTELY LOVED Christmas and snow. She spent alot of her time making things for Christmas presents and listening to Christmas music... Well they sent her home on Dec 10th with 2 weeks to live :( On the way from denver to springs she "just had to stop and do a little Christmas shopping" even though she wore a mask and Paul had to push her in a wheel chair. She said "This is going to be the best Christmas Ever!!" And we tried so hard to make it be so... to believe that it would be..... She had her niece and 2 nephews on her bed with her watching cartoons while she 'slept'...she just "soaked up" life. It snowed and she just gazed wondrously out the window loving the site of it... We all pretty much camped out in her and Paul's room the last 3 days.... she'd "come up" and hear us and smile and go back to sleep... Paul just stayed curled up by her on the bed but there was always room around her for 'us'. I know we weren't prepared to watch her leave us.... We weren't prepared for the fire dept, the police.... the coroner and finally .... the funeral home who took our sweet Beka away.... My daughter, Rachel (24) Paul and myself just knew we couldn't let her go the way she was so we shut the door and got her all cleaned with her favorite snuggly pajama's with her little cozy booties on. We were all having such a hard time and Rachel trying to encourage us through tears said "Remember this is her shell she isn't here". And I (weeping) said "oh i know..... but i LOVED her shell" I couldn't watch them take her; I just couldn't. We decided as a family to bury her in her wedding dress..... And now..... 10 months later I feel like my grief is just awakening and at times its so hard to bear... We started attending a griefshare support group about 7 weeks ago and that helped in some ways. I guess knowing that everyone grieves differently really helped; knowing that grief is still grief 2 weeks later or 10 months later or 10 years later. It hurts... it always will but somehow we learn to live around it....with it.... a new normal. But most of my family now have seemed to move on (my siblings and mom) and even friends. And so i find myself .... alone with my grief. (I'm sorry it was so long) Janis
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