My Sweetheart is gone

by Chris Mullins
(Hoch Weisel, Germany)

My lovely wife and best friend Annabell died on 20 September 2011. I am utterly destroyed by her loss. We were so much in love, we were together 7 years, married for 2, she was 27 when she died. She had a cardiac arrest and her heart couldnt recover. I feel so lost and alone, and just want for my time to be over too already. I cant take my own life, so I just must wait, but everyday without her is so painful, Im not sure Im gonna survive. We have a child, hes 6, I am taking care of him as best I can. I am a wreck and have very little in the way of support. If i didnt make it through my son would be OK, he has support from a number of people, just wish someone was here for me. Feels sometimes like Im gonna have a heart attack, well Im not really sure how that feels, but I can imagine. WIsh it would.

Comments for My Sweetheart is gone

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Nov 26, 2011
Chris, I am so sorry about your Annabell
by: Lenora (Alb. NM-USA)

Hi Chris, I am so sorry about your Annabell. I read your story and it makes me cry and so sad because I have been there...I lost the love of my life, Kevin, 7 months ago today (11-27-11). I felt the same way you did...lost and alone. I was also....scared...empty...and sometimes I felt like I was going crazy from the loneliness. Like you I would not bring harm to myself...but all I wanted was to have my Kevin and our life back! Well it’s been (7) long months...some days I just cry, cry, cry...because I miss my Kevin sooo much, our daily life together, his kisses, seeing him coming down the hallway, our conversations about everything and nothing. On the flip side, I also have some good days...where I feel like I’m going to be okay, I find myself laughing, having a memory of Kevin and myself that doesn’t hurt as much, having HOPE for myself and my “new” future without the love of my life.

For you for now....the emotions will be how you will feel in the next few seconds to minutes and eventually that will turn into hours and days. Be patient with yourself and your son.

Chris, please remember that your son is missing his mother too and that he needs his father. He does not understand all that is going on because he is only (6) and its only been (2) months and (7) days since your wife, Annabell and his mother has been gone. The loss is very new and nothing makes any sense and nothing will make sense for awhile. Again, please be patient with your son.

I know today it seems that you will never get through this, but you will. You always have this website to come to and talk about how you feel. Someone here on this website has felt your pain, or is feeling your pain. Please know that this website is here to help you, me and others going through this journey of grief and all that goes with it.

Chris, I wish you well.

From Lenora — MLA~KDB.

Nov 18, 2011
I Feel your Pain
by: Wendy

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry for your loss, and believe me when I say that all of us on this sight can honestly say we understand how you feel. It is 4 months today since I lost the love of my life in a sudden, tragic accident, and I am no further along in dealing with the sadness and loneliness as I was from day one. But you need find someone to talk to. Do you not have any family or friends that can be there to help you through this? Your wonderful wife would never want you to consider leaving your son to be with her. She is now your guardian angel, watching over both of you. Your pain is still so fresh, the wound open so wide that it feels like it will never heal. I would be lying if after four months I told you I'm starting to feel better. I too had very little support, so I reluctantly joined a support group that meets every two weeks and there are people there that are still grieving after 1-2 years. It's an ongoin process, but one you to go through. Just take each day, each hour, each minute and allow yourself to feel the pain. But you must also allow yourself to feel the joy of your child for the both of you. I know she would want that, and he's going to need you as much as you need him. To lose someone at any age is difficult, but so young, and so suddenly for me is the worst. All the plans that will never become reality...but you have to make a new reality for you and your child. Whenever I find myself stumbling, or wondering, I always think of what my husband, my soulmate would want me to do. I know in my heart he wants me to live for both of us, as would your wife. It's too soon for you to realize this, but talk to her. I find writing letters to my beloved everynite in a journal has been so helpful. But if you are feeling truly distraught to the point that you are not sure you can go on.....PLEASE, for yourself, your son and your help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and if you ever need to talk I would be happy to give you my email address and phone number. No one should ever have to go through this alone...believe me I know. Stay Strong.

Nov 18, 2011
Be Strong When You Can
by: TrishJ

My heart actually aches for you reading your post. You certainly have been given a lot to deal with at a very young age. I can't even pretend to know what you are going through. I can only imagine your pain.
Your son is a gift from God is a combination of you and your beloved wife. He remains behind and is what you need to focus on. You have to take care of yourself....emotionally and physically...if you are to be a good parent for him.
The pain of losing our spouse never leaves us. We feel like our hearts have been torn from our chest. I felt physically ill for months after my husband passed away. You need to just take your life one day at a time and do the best you can. You can't push yourself too quickly and too hard. Your son needs you but you need to be healthy. I'm glad you have support. Use their help as you need it. You need time to yourself to get your feelings out and it shouldn't be around your little son. to your wife. She's listening. Learn to read the little signs that she's letting you know she's around you both. You can't see her or touch her but she's there.
God bless you and your precious son.

Nov 18, 2011
My Sweetheart is gone
by: Vickie Calif.

Chris, I just finished reading your story. It hit home with me. I lost my daughter a little over two yr's ago and she had just turned 26. She left behind a beautiful little girl, five at the time and a loving husband. My heart goes out to you and your little boy. As you already know there aren't words to even begin to describe the hurt, the pain. I am glad that you found your way to this site. After my daughters death, my son-in-law was hanging by a thread. He was blessed to have his family. My son-in-law and daughter and their little girl were all staying there at the time of the accident. I got along well with my son-in-law before my daughters death, and now I am even closer to him. I never would have thought that. I was afraid he would drift away from me. He had my granddaughter to care for, so I had a great deal of concern, for them both. I believe other than my daughters sisters, and her little girl, he understood and felt the pain as I did. Not exactly, because they had a child and a marriage, but the loss was one that we both felt and was beyond measure. I want you to know that your son NEEDS his father, and YOU are the one he NEEDS now-more than ever. Your wife I am sure would want YOU to be there for him. My granddaughter has several people whom all love her and would be there to care for her and that includes me, but she Needs her dad. Since her mothers death she has a bond with her dad stronger than ever. I believe it was her that gave my son-in-law reason to get up each day and still does. I understand your wanting to Stop the pain and hurt that has engulfed you, but taking your life is Not the answer. You are still very young and you have a whole life to live. I am sure that you can't even imagine that right now, but you will one day. It will never be the same, but you will find purpose when your ready to move forward. Right now your wounds are fresh and you are grieving and I am sure that it takes All you have to just get through each day. My son-in-law has recently met someone and I wish only the best for him. It will never be the same as his relationship with my daughter but he deserves to be happy and my granddaughter needs to and deserves it especially. Possibly there is a support group in your area-where you can go? Please know that All of us here CARE. We may be strangers, but there is a common thread that brings us together. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Hugs and prayers to you. Vickie

Nov 17, 2011
Your sweetheart
by: M Mack

Ohhh Chris I know how much pain you are in over your loss. What you are feeling is very normal and anyone who goes through grief will tell you it's worst than anything ever experienced.

I lost my soulmate and love of my life over a year ago and I battle with balancing life without him everyday. Grief can be all consuming and you need to take it one step at a time. I know you cannot understand and accept she is gone but eventually you will. It will get better and you will put your situation in perspective. Look for signs, since this is so new, you do not know they are there. She is with you in spirit and watching over you and your son. I was such a mess I know my love hated to see me so devastated. I knew I had to let go somehow and make the effort to accept his passing and let him rest as well. I prayed, went to support groups, read about the afterlife and anything I could to assure myself that I will eventually be with him again someday.

So take your time mourning and be there as you should for your little boy. You can do this and it will take time. Read these blogs, don't be afraid to write, and know you are not alone. We are here for you and you are in my prayers.

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