My true love

My partner died on the 24th may 2012 from a massive heart attack, I thought we would be together for many more years, we had been sulking with each other which now and again we did, both of us being over sensitive and not very good at talking things through, he was 54 and I am 52' silly behaviour immature but it was us, like a couple of teenagers, we first met when I was 15 and he was 17 , We were so totally besotted with each other and I loved him very much, a couple of years passed and We became pregnant, to cut a long story short my parents would not let me see him again and within a few weeks we had moved, there was no contact allowed and I was with my parents 24/7 , my heart was broken, I was pregnant in a new area with no contact with my love.  Our daughter was born and any effort from my love to try and offer help and support was refused by my parents, they insisted on no name on birth certificate, nor was I left alone in case I tried to see him.  Years and years went by, when my daughter asked about her dad I told her about him, who he was etc. but I was too scared to go against my parents who adored this little girl, more years passed, I married which was a disaster, very violent, but I did have three beautiful little boys from it so some good came out of it, when My daughter was 15 she got more inquisitive about her dad so I decided in secret to show her where his mother used to live, unbeknown to me he now lived there, she started to have a relationship with him, but she also knew she had to keep it secret because of consequences, I remarried but that also failed , both my parents died from horrible illnesses which was horrendous and heartbreaking.  One day I was sat in my daughters back garden when her dad walked round  to the garden, as he approached all those years without him fell away, I was 15 again, knew I had never stopped loving him, only tucked him away.  From that moment on we were always together, he had family from a previous marriage but was now living alone, he moved in and it felt like I had finally come home, we had our ups and downs, he was a free spirit and very private man, our daughter had just had another baby boy , but because we were sulking with each other he did not come to the hospital to see our grandson, I asked and asked but he refused, each day I longed for him to go see the baby especially as he was not very well and was rushed back into hospital, but nothing, so it became a battle of wills, I was very hurt that he was doing this, could not understand it at all, on the morning he died I was in the kitchen having a coffee before going to work, he came in and said he was off out, I went to work and at dinner time I got a phone call to go to the surgery as he had collapsed, I got there as quick as I could but it was closed up, I banged on the doors, made a phone call to his nephews wife who told me he was dead, an ambulance was pulling away as I arrived so he must have been in it, they apparently worked on him for an hour, but a lot of time was wasted before he collapsed, and no one thought to let me know until it was too late, we had been living together for over 7 years,  I never got to say goodbye give him a hug, he could be a pain in the butt but I loved the very bones of him, he was my whole world and some more, now life is unbearable, I have so much guilt and pain, I just want to be with him,,, I want him to forgive me for the way things were, we had had a whole year of not one cross word and then just when we fall out he dies....

Comments for My true love

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Jul 18, 2012
My True Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Sarah, I am so so sorry for your loss and the way you are still feeling with your grief. this is a grief site so you must express your feelings the way you want. No one must judge you for this even if it is ME ME ME. This is all we have now. We as women just naturally put the needs of our families first. This is who we are. We just get lost in it all. We forget the ME. Because we are US and when we lose our spouse. We wonder. What about ME. What do I do about ME. We have to come to terms about this. No one must even think it as being selfish. IT IS NOT AT ALL SELFISH. this too is part of our grief. I can assure you that I am never happier than when I am supporting someone in pain. I wanted to be a counsellor. But the training and the unresolved issues I was going through was too much for me to go through this stress. Sarah I went into counselling for years and IT DOES WORK. If you don't succeed in finding the right counsellor keep trying till you find one where it works and you do get the relief and support you need. Any counsellor who can't help you because you have too much to resolve may not have the skills to deal with your unresolved issues. You say you need to talk and you have no one. Then email me at I will allow you to speak as you wish and pour out your pain and will try my very best to support you. Half of he needs in counselling is to allow the person to talk. Often the problems just evaporate because they have come out of you and you can find many of the solutions to what you are feeling. counsellors talk less and listen more. I will do my best if this is what you want to do. Until then. Be yourself. Don't let anyone judge you for talking about YOU. this is probably what you need to do. Somewhere in life we all get lost and need to find our way back. You will find your way back. I hope that you are able to go back to work and cope with this and that you will be able to find a way through your grief that won't be masked by work. Make a plan for YOU. Do some special things that you like to do and perhaps not ALONE. See if you have either a relative or friend who can allow you both to go off for a regular day out together. Do special things. When you don't feel like doing anything. DON'T DO IT. Pace yourself. DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

Jul 18, 2012
by: Sarah

Thankyou so much for your words, must have been difficult for you what with losing Steve, I am constantly amazed at how people that have been through so much themselves can still find it in their hearts to respond to someone's else's
Pain, I would hope I can do the same, you have many many years of memories of your life with Steve, how on earth do you cope ? Other than one day at a time, I can't bear my memories, every tiny thing reminds me of what has gone, a few weeks ago I had a future, the first time in my life, now I can barely function, I am wiped out with grief and longing, this is the lonliest of times, I go to the cemetery every day and sit by him, even though I know he is never coming home, I can't come to terms with it, I am having to go back to work tomorrow, no where near ready to put a face on, but I can't afford any more time of work, if I don't work I don't get paid, doctor keeps urging me to get some grief counseling, but in my expierience of such previously , they said there was too much and could not help .... So confidence not there, there is no one to talk to, this is the lowest and most desperate feeling, I thought losing my mum and dad was the most painful time of my life, this is the straw that broke the donkeys back. Sorry to keep on and on about me me me, thank you again and I hope you find the strength and time to be kind to yourself , you also must be going through so much pain and grief.....

Jul 16, 2012
My true Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved partner. Your story is so very sad as you have lost your parents. YOur true love and the other relationships and husbands. You have a lot to grieve over if you haven't started some time ago as each loss occurred.
I feel upset about your parents attitude towards your first love and the father of your daughter. I can never understand how parents can be so cruel thinking THEY KNOW BEST. When they don't. My parents did the same thing to me. I was brokenhearted. I did eventually marry the man my parents wanted me to leave. I would have been robbed of 44years of marriage with the one and only man I ever loved. Steve died 2 months ago of cancer. We came to marriage as immature people. We found communication hard. Steve was working long hours and all over the world and so we didn't have the marriage we wanted. But we loved each other. I had issues that took me into counselling. The best decision I ever made. I ended up losing my sensitivity. I became more mature. I found living life easier. My whole way of living and talking actually improved our marriage. I was a different person and much happier. My husband didn't believe in counselling. he was just robbed of living better as a result.
I am happy you met up again with your first love. But sad that he died before you could say good-bye or even sort out emotional stuff. We will never be able to iron out all our issues we come into relationship with. But we can move forward trying to resolve some of it. You will have to FORGIVE YOURSELF. as we all have to do for our mistakes, shortcomings, and the things we didn't say or wished we hadn't said. If your grief is hard try and seek some counselling. Most of what you feel will eventually evaporate and then you will remember all the good things. Often the good things get blocked out by all the other emotional things in the way. I wish for you better days ahead. A little sugar (as my sister would say) to sweeten your days, weeks, and months ahead. I hope you do find LOVE again. Even if it is just a companion to brighten your days. You have been hurt by life and need something good to happen in your life. I wish you all the best.

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