My True Love

Work & life took me to an exotic island. I was never supposed to stay longer than 18 months. I met my soul mate, my true love, my best friend. I was 34 yrs.old when I met him & we always joked that I crossed the Atlantic Ocean to meet him. We fell in love & gave each other what we always needed & never thought existed. This beautiful, amazing, loving & kind man was murdered now 3 months ago. We both work in law enforcement & his murder is believed to be & I know to be related to his work. He was also the father of 3 children, a beloved co-worker & even an entrepreneur. I never met such an amazing man & he loved me. All of me: fat/skinny, long hair/short hair, snoring, my silliness & moodiness. He knew me the good, the bad & the ugly & loved me. I never felt more love in my life. Now he is gone. He was taken from us: his family, his friends & his job where he protected so many. The investigation is pending & almost 3 months no arrest. He was one of the good guys & I can't get pass that this is so unfair. So messed up & absolutely all wrong. I can't swallow the whole it was meant to be or the cliche that everything happens for a reason. I go thru my days on autopilot & cruise control. I can't stop thinking of him. My heart physically aches. I scream out & no one answers. I go to work hoping for answers, only to find sadness & anger. Now I am moving & it feels like another death. Leaving where we met, where we fell in love....but also where he was murdered & the memory of his death at work lingers...I will never know love like this & I will never have answers & right now it seems there will never be any arrests or people held responsible for his murder. I am no longer the same person, I avoid radio stations & music because songs make me cry. Songs are either too happy or too sad & too painful so I listen to talk radio. I don't like to go out or be in large groups or settings with lots of people. It feels overwhelming & makes me miss him even more. We were always out & both very social. We had soooo many great times together & good friends. I usually just go to work & then home. I spend time with only co-workers who knew him & are close with us. I don't feel myself. I don't even think I smile the same & when I laugh not sure it's a real laugh. I just want him back. I just want to touch his face, kiss his lips & feel hs hands again. I want to hear his voice & feel his touch. We deserved each other. I don't see how to get thru this. I don't see a way. I am such a different person. I don't know who I am.

Comments for My True Love

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May 27, 2013
another response
by: Kristina

i really am sorry you feel this way too.

i have no desire to find my way without my husband. ALL i want, if God or whatever won't reverse this horrific mistake, is to die and be with my husband. ideally i would want to just die peacefully in my sleep, but really almost anything would do.

i do hope you are able to find your way though, and find peace.

May 26, 2013
Kristina
by: True love

Just want you to know I feel your pain. I think everyday about reuniting with my true love. I pass the days checking off the calendar: Monday check, Tuesday check Wednesday check Thursday check until I am with him again. I live everyday hoping & unfair aid of some tragic event to take me. I think I cou,d be killed like him & I would not fight death or if in some unforeseen accident I would not be afraid to die. Instead I am still here, trying, hoping for some way to find hope, to find the reason why I am still here. What's next for me? Why do I remain? Why would we meet and fall in,I've and then he be so tragically taken ? Why him? Why now? So many questions that I dare even bother to ask because I know no answer will satisfy me. Anyway wanted you to know I understand, thinking of you and hoping we both continue to somehow find our way without our true loves

May 22, 2013
Response to Melina
by: Kristina

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you are in the same situation I am. You said "I am neither alive nor dead and this limbo is slowly killing me. I can’t find anything that makes me want to live life. I have no real compunction to keep up this charade because that is what it has become. I am four and half months dead but walking around in this surreal existence.", and I COMPLETELY agree and feel the same way. I have a wonderful family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law) who love me and whom I love, but that is not enough. I feel badly for them that it isn't, but that's the truth.

There are two reasons I haven't killed myself: first, I promised my family I wouldn't (for their sake, not for mine), and second, because if there is an afterlife I don't know if I would be "allowed" to be with my husband if I killed myself. If those two things were not considerations for me, I would have killed myself the moment I knew my husband was dead.

I am only 44 years old. My husband died at age 40, literally one week after our wedding. We had been together for nearly 13 years. The idea of one more week without him is hell, much less months or years. EVERY day I pray (even though I don't know if there is a God, and even though I don't trust her/him if s/he does exist) that I will die that day.

May 22, 2013
Response to Kristina
by: Melina

Kristina,

Sorry to say I am probably not going to be of any help to you unless feeling the same way you do gives you any comfort. I have been writing on this site for a bit now in a different thread (My sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks go ) where a couple other women write back and forth. If you were to read my postings you would see we are on the same page. I could call myself a mutt when it comes to belief. I probably lean further toward atheism. Grew up a Catholic and have a fondness for Quaker action but my recent quest to try and find reason has been quantam physics. Like you the whole role that diety is supposed to play in our lives has failed me.

I am neither alive nor dead and this limbo is slowly killing me. I can’t find anything that makes me want to live life. I have no real compunction to keep up this charade because that is what it has become. I am four and half months dead but walking around in this surreal existence. I was with my husband for 35 years and I’ve known him since a child. I am 61 now and really feel that at this point I should be able to choose my destiny. I am searching for answers for the big question and there are none.

I need him here. If I can’t have him here then maybe I can have him elsewhere. What’s stopping me? I have to make sure I’ve exhausted all remedy because my family and the few really really close friends need assurance that I did all that was possible.
I have declined medication and psychiatric help as a remedy. Maybe I should try them. . I just don’t think either is an answer to the grief.

I keep hoping someone here is going to have an answer. It’s probably my last best hope. Otherwise I see no way out of this pain that is unbearable. Or maybe I do. Or maybe I don’t.

I too would like out.

Melina

May 22, 2013
response to response
by: Kristina

It seems that many of us wish we had died when our husbands/partners died. I will always feel this way. It has been 8 months since my husband died, and the pain and surreal feeling of a world without him in it (but in which I am forced to exist) has not lessened or changed. My family wants me to live, because they love me, but I have absolutely zero desire to live. I want God, if there is one, to reverse this cruel farce and make our lives what they once were, but failing that I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic -- I don't know if there is a God or an afterlife. If there is a God, I do not trust her/him -- why would I, when s/he allowed my soulmate to be torn from me? I hope there is an afterlife, so that my sweetheart is ok there and so that I will be with him again there. But even if there is nothing, I still want to die -- I would rather cease to exist altogether than live without him, than live with this horrific pain and loss. I can't even live for him or in remembrance of him, and I am unable to help anyone else feel any better. I just want OUT of this life. I'm done.


May 19, 2013
Response from True Love Author
by: True Love

Thank you all for your sincere & very open responses.

Kristina, I know exactly how you are feeling. When I first found out of the murder I wished so badly to have been killed with him. We were together a lot& I thought why was I not with him when it happened. I even thought how romantic it would have been to have died together. I had this feeling for like the first 5 to 6 weeks. Now I only think it as a fleeting thought because of how painful it is to miss him & be without him.i realize that me being here helps his close friends & family. About a month ago during the first few weeks after his death ( fyi I was mostly a zombie during that time - here but not here) best friend and his son told me that being near me & around me helped them to feel closer to him. I thought well I guess I was spared & left to live in remembrance of him. At this moment & everything truly is day to day but at this moment I live for him. I live in remembrance of him. I wait for the day that those responsible for his murder are brought to justice. I work to continue his mission- protecting his family & the public.i can't stop because he would not stop & I know he would not want me to stop.

Moving: I had 3wks to decide. I have lived here for 4 yrs. He made it my home. I stayed for him. It's hard because he was killed here & buried here. His mother is here. His 2 girls are here. Our work is here. We fell in love & many memories are here. Here I am frozen in time. I don't want to go. It hurts to go. I really can't explain it or put into words why I am going except to say I need to go. I will never stop thinking or living for him.i will come back. I have friends who have become family. My heart remains here. I transfer in Aug. it will truly be the 2nd most difficult & painful experience of my life. It's going to sound crazy but I hate it here & I love it here. We work so hard to do our jobs & working & living here to make changes for the better is like running with all your power & strength & hitting a brick wall. All I can say is coming here & falling in love & then losing him. "it was the best of times & the worst of times".

I think about you all losing your husbands & those that had 10+ yrs. Im so sorry. We had 3 yrs & I wish with all my heart that it had been more. Regardless of how much longer he would live there would never be enough time. I hope we all make it. He would want me not to suffer. I miss his voice. He had a sparkle in his eyes & a way to look at you that just made you melt. His hands were not soft he had working hands with cuts & callouses: strong & big. I loved his hands. I miss him. He will 4 ever & always be my one and only true love. I am a gladiator & we will meet again, not yet but we will meet again. We will meet again.

May 18, 2013
i'm in the same place
by: Kristina

My husband died. Different reason (heart attack, completely unexpected), different timing (one week after our wedding; we'd been together for nearly 13 years), but the effect is the same, as you described it -- life isn't worth living, nothing bring joy, i don't want to be around people, i don't enjoy music, etc.

My husband loved me unconditionally too, and I him. He was with me through panic attacks, and comforted me. My body physically hurts with missing him, but my soul/spirit hurts worse, hurts indescribably.

I know what you mean by "I am no longer the same person" and "I don't know who I am". the same is true of me. the person i was is dead, destroyed. I wish God, if there is one, had killed me at the same time he killed my husband (or allowed him to die, or whatever). I wish s/he would do it now, since s/he didn't do it then.

May 18, 2013
So sorry-----My true love
by: Anonymous

I have lost my dear husband 6 months ago; I am grieving as you are. I am so sorry for your heartache. You mention that you are somewhat isolating yourself from others. I am doing that also; it hurts to be with couples; even with my friends who still have their spouses it is hard to be with them---after all--how could they know how I feel? Before my husband died I was like that; sympathetic but not knowing ANYTHING about how widows were hurting. I tend to stay to myself. It even hurts when people speak of my husband in remembering what a great person he was. Its almost like I want to keep his memory all to myself(except I love my kids and grandkids to talk about him) but others--not so much. MY grief seems like a very selfish thing; all I do is think of what I had and now it is gone. My husband and I knew each other since grade school and were a couple and married totaling 48 yrs. Never will I even consider another man; no one could ever take his place nor would I want them to. I wish I could make you feel better but I cannot. But I do know that we have God and only God to get us through this.

May 18, 2013
My True Love
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for your loss of the man you loved you thought would be forever. I am beginning to think our FOREVER is one day at a time. Death is claiming lives so fast now that we can't get our heads around this. As a law enforcement officer you are in the danger zone all the time. What happened is UNFAIR. To use the expression EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST is the most damaging expression at this moment. It is used inappropriately. Murder and death is never for the best. It is for the worst that can happen in someone's life. 3 Children without a father and you without your SOULMATE. This is very CRUEL AND TRAGIC DEATH. AND NEVER FOR THE BEST. If we have pain and a hard life it seems to go on forever. When we have good and happiness in our life it seems to be taken away from us. This may sound cynical. But it is True. I was married to the Best man ever. He died 1yr. ago from a cancer he got from his workplace working with asbestos. The fibres lodged in his lung when he cut this material and 40yrs. later this slow growing cancer claimed his life. A painful death. A 3yrs. battle with cancer that robbed him of quality of life. I got told the same thing. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST. NO IT DOESN'T. How can someone dying because of other's people's CHOICE be for the BEST. This is ludicrous. We are both robbed of our MEN FOREVER. Grief ASSAULTS THE BODY. This is why you feel the way you do. My body is racked with pain everyday I have to take PAINKILLERS. Physical pain caused by GRIEF. Today is Saturday and the day of the week my husband died. I hate Saturday's. I always will. The memories of that day are still so clear.
If you don't have to move then DON'T. The first year is the worst to make such decisions if you don't have to. I made some decision that were O.K. and some I made which I regret now. I am just so glad I DID NOT MOVE HOME. This is one memory I will keep. Being in the home my husband built up. Seeing the log cabin he had built, but never got the chance to enjoy. I want to walk on the ground he walked on. Touch the things he touched. This is one heartache that will go on FOREVER. The BIGGEST LOSS OF MY LIFE. This is one Loss YOU, ME. & Many others on this site will never recover from. Just live with because we have no CHOICE.
May God be with you can comfort you and those children. I hope the days ahead will bring you loving support and healing from your loss.

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