My Turn.

by Alan
(Seattle,WA, United States)

My eldest son took his own life back in 2009 a day before his 37th birthday due to his depression I didn't take seriously. My younger son Vic did a post on this site expressing his sadness of his,and his mom and sisters emptiness of their older brother's suicide.

My wife and daughters are forgiving me now because they felt I was hard on my older son most of his life which I realize now I was. I vented on him, for not getting with the program, school wise like his siblings by saying terrible things that haunt me like no other now. Roger did have attention deficit disorder which I thought it was an excuse for laziness on his behalf. I wanted the best for him and his brother and sisters.

My wife is coping with the pain better as are his sisters and brother. My son in laws are speaking to me again as is my younger sons wife. Roger never dated much or got married because of his confidence thanks to my doing. What have I done? What kind of father am I? My other children wonder why I showed them love and affection and never their older brother. The only way I could express myself with Roger was through sheer anger and disappointment, the way my father did with me.

Yesterday,I went to visit my son's grave for the first time since he was laid to rest. By the time I got up and left it was already dark and I was soaked in the rain. It was a good thing it rained because it disguised the tears in my eyes when I got home. When my wife, who was worried,asked me where I was all wet. I broke down in tears as I put my head in her lap and begged my wife to tell me I wasn't a monster to our son. She cried too and told me it was about time I started my mourning.

It is my turn to start healing, for my wife and children and grandchildren. I miss my son so much and I cry a lot now.

I never had time to grieve my sons passing, and need other fathers advice on how to grieve. Thank you.

Comments for My Turn.

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Jun 10, 2012
My Turn
by: Anonymous

Dear grieving father
I am a mother who also lost her son and have questioned my self if I did e/thing that can be done for a child. As parents we never went to a parenting school except for the inadequate schooling of our parent who as us and our parents never went to parenting schools. We repeated models that we thought were right, I am totally sure that if you have known better you would have done better. We expect everything from our oldest child, hoping that he/she will be a role model to the rest. By the time we have other children we vision life from them different and our demands change. Why I tell you all this because it took me a long time to realize that we offer the best our knowledge allows to offer, we all have made mistakes. The fact that you recognize your mistakes is the 1rst step to heal 2nd step is to forgive yourself and ask your son to forgive you, you may think I am crazy to say to ask forgiveness to someone that is dead, but I believe only his physical body is gone but his spirit still lives. Find meditation time, pray in any way you know, seek the help of a qualified counselor, a spiritual guide, cry all you want, talk and share you feelings.There is a support group call compassionate friends, they are all over USA. You are not alone. Trust me we will always blame ourselves for the death of a child, we feel we failed regardless of having made mistakes or not. It is a pain that no one can understand and e/one grieves different. You are taking the 1rst step, keep moving, share and support your wife and family and find time to express to them your feelings and start from scratch. Getting together and supporting each other will help all of you to heal and build a stronger support system, no one can go through this alone.
take care, be strong, cry and forgive your self

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