(Seattle,WA, United States)
My eldest son took his own life back in 2009 a day before his 37th birthday due to his depression I didn't take seriously. My younger son Vic did a post on this site expressing his sadness of his,and his mom and sisters emptiness of their older brother's suicide.
My wife and daughters are forgiving me now because they felt I was hard on my older son most of his life which I realize now I was. I vented on him, for not getting with the program, school wise like his siblings by saying terrible things that haunt me like no other now. Roger did have attention deficit disorder which I thought it was an excuse for laziness on his behalf. I wanted the best for him and his brother and sisters.
My wife is coping with the pain better as are his sisters and brother. My son in laws are speaking to me again as is my younger sons wife. Roger never dated much or got married because of his confidence thanks to my doing. What have I done? What kind of father am I? My other children wonder why I showed them love and affection and never their older brother. The only way I could express myself with Roger was through sheer anger and disappointment, the way my father did with me.
Yesterday,I went to visit my son's grave for the first time since he was laid to rest. By the time I got up and left it was already dark and I was soaked in the rain. It was a good thing it rained because it disguised the tears in my eyes when I got home. When my wife, who was worried,asked me where I was all wet. I broke down in tears as I put my head in her lap and begged my wife to tell me I wasn't a monster to our son. She cried too and told me it was about time I started my mourning.
It is my turn to start healing, for my wife and children and grandchildren. I miss my son so much and I cry a lot now.
I never had time to grieve my sons passing, and need other fathers advice on how to grieve. Thank you.