My twin brother John
by Matthew Lavertue
This is my twin brother
On January 5, 2011 I found my twin brother on the couch passed away. I actually thought he was sleeping, I tried to wake him. I noticed his hand was white, a bad feeling came over me. I repeated John, John and as I went on I looked to see his face, and noticed dry blood from his nose and vomit on his shirt. I screamed John, wake up, wake up, Please John no don't do this to me please... I ran out of the living room screaming and crying his name, and saying God no please no!!!. I went upstairs and went towards the bathroom knowing my girlfriend was in the shower, and said Lori, I think my brother is dead, she stated " what" I said " John is dead he is *%#**#* dead, I then went back down the stairs screaming and crying out his name, I went back into the parlor. I wanted to believe this was a nightmare. I went back in the parlor and saw his lifeless body. I looked all around me, like the room why spinning. I grabbed his cell phone and called our mother. My mother answered and I screamed Mom John is dead, he is dead. My mother said " what do you mean". I again shouted he is dead mom he is ice cold and he has blood coming out of his nose, and vomit on him. My mother said try cpr, and call 911, at this time I noticed my girlfriend only in towel and calling 911. I shouted his name and cried John come back wake up. I then yelled HE IS DEAD, Please no GOD NO, JOhn, JOHN wake up please don't do this to me don't leave me alone. John wake up. with the help of my girlfriend I put him from the couch to the floor, and wiped his mouth of, I felt his tongue was ice cold, I knew he had passed but I tried CPR, the best I could. It didn't seem real, I was crying and yelling and swearing. It seem like hours for the police and paramedics to arrive. Once they did they took over on the cpr. I went to my bedroom crying and calling out his name. I was still on the phone with my mother, I said he dead mom he is (explicit) Dead. I heard the most awful cry from my mother. " No no, not John no God please". My mother said she needed to call Jimmy my brother. My brother Jim called me and said " Matt Put John on the phone". I stated " Jimmy I can't he is dead" Jim said " no no Matt put him on the phone". Again I said " JIm I can't he is dead". I told him in tears how I found him, and how cold he was. I told Jim "they are working on him now, the police and paramedics. Jimmy said he needed to call our mother and hung up crying. It was 30 minutes of me crying and pacing my bedroom and shouting his name. A police officer and a paramedic then came to my room and the lady paramedic " I want to tell you we did all we could, but". I stop her and said " don't tell me no, please don't tell me". She stated " I am so sorry there was not much we can do, he passed a while ago he been dead a while". I pleaded with her and said " please go back there is something you can do". She stated " I am very sorry for your loss". I screamed "no no please no JOhn, JOHN". The police officer gave me a hug and said " Let it out don't hold it in". This was and is the night I replay everyday. It has been 9 months and everyday is a struggle. My twin brother John was everything to me. Not a day went buy him and I had talked, laughed, cried, and watch movies, and talked about the future. Now he is gone, and my life is like up side down. What happen was John got into a motorcycle accident. He broke his left leg in nine different places. The doctors put a metal rod in his leg and told him it would be a while for a recovery. He came home 3 days after the operation and was given pain meds. Like 3 diffrent kinds. In October he fell down a flight of stairs and rebroke his leg and the ankle of the same leg. He went back on the pain meds. On January 2 he was put on methadone, and taken off the others meds. I told him please be careful John methadone is not good for a pain med. John promised me he was only gonna take it if needed. Well 2 days later the methadone shutdown his respiratory system, and he went into cardiac arrest. He die peacefully for what I was told. John was a big part of my life, he was funny, loving, giving and very caring towards others. I miss his smile, his sarcastic remarks to me. I miss him in everyway imaginable. My days are hard and I cry everyday asking " why". I try to move forward, but that is so hard to do without him. I see his pictures and I cry, and then talk to him on everything that is going on. I don't see a life without him. I am not suicidal, just missing him so much. It is now mine and his favorite Holiday and well I wish this month would just go. I am not looking forward to the next 2 holidays. I no time won't stop, but I feel my life, and my emotions are all over the place. I don't watch tv, or read, or anything else. I don't even want to move forward cause I feel guiltily for being alive, and he is not. I pray at times that this is a nightmare, and I am just waiting to wake up. Today was awful I was trying to get through the day, and at 7pm I felt down, and said " I am missing you man. God Blessed Virgin Mary please help me". 10 minutes later I found this site. I read on grief and then I came across the loss of a brother/Sister. I found out I am not alone. My heart goes out to all on this site, but whether you know this or not, You all have saved my life. Writing this I am relaxed but shaking, and crying as I told my story, but I am not alone in feeling this pain, and anguish, and the feeling of being lost. I feel John and along with God and the Blessed Virgin Mary, I found this site. I love you John and everyday without you is such a struggle, I am trying so hard, but you were and are a big part of my life. I just don't know how to move forward with out you. I know your with me in some crazy way. I love you Man God do I miss you. YOUR TWIN BROTHER MATT. HOme team man home team....
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