My twin brother John

by Matthew Lavertue
(Lawrence, Mass)

This is my twin brother

This is my twin brother

This is my twin brother
I am on the left John is on the right
John at 29 in the Army

Click on each photo to enlarge.

On January 5, 2011 I found my twin brother on the couch passed away. I actually thought he was sleeping, I tried to wake him. I noticed his hand was white, a bad feeling came over me. I repeated John, John and as I went on I looked to see his face, and noticed dry blood from his nose and vomit on his shirt. I screamed John, wake up, wake up, Please John no don't do this to me please... I ran out of the living room screaming and crying his name, and saying God no please no!!!. I went upstairs and went towards the bathroom knowing my girlfriend was in the shower, and said Lori, I think my brother is dead, she stated " what" I said " John is dead he is *%#**#* dead, I then went back down the stairs screaming and crying out his name, I went back into the parlor. I wanted to believe this was a nightmare. I went back in the parlor and saw his lifeless body. I looked all around me, like the room why spinning. I grabbed his cell phone and called our mother. My mother answered and I screamed Mom John is dead, he is dead. My mother said " what do you mean". I again shouted he is dead mom he is ice cold and he has blood coming out of his nose, and vomit on him. My mother said try cpr, and call 911, at this time I noticed my girlfriend only in towel and calling 911. I shouted his name and cried John come back wake up. I then yelled HE IS DEAD, Please no GOD NO, JOhn, JOHN wake up please don't do this to me don't leave me alone. John wake up. with the help of my girlfriend I put him from the couch to the floor, and wiped his mouth of, I felt his tongue was ice cold, I knew he had passed but I tried CPR, the best I could. It didn't seem real, I was crying and yelling and swearing. It seem like hours for the police and paramedics to arrive. Once they did they took over on the cpr. I went to my bedroom crying and calling out his name. I was still on the phone with my mother, I said he dead mom he is (explicit) Dead. I heard the most awful cry from my mother. " No no, not John no God please". My mother said she needed to call Jimmy my brother.

My brother Jim called me and said " Matt Put John on the phone". I stated " Jimmy I can't he is dead" Jim said " no no Matt put him on the phone". Again I said " JIm I can't he is dead". I told him in tears how I found him, and how cold he was. I told Jim "they are working on him now, the police and paramedics. Jimmy said he needed to call our mother and hung up crying.

It was 30 minutes of me crying and pacing my bedroom and shouting his name. A police officer and a paramedic then came to my room and the lady paramedic " I want to tell you we did all we could, but". I stop her and said " don't tell me no, please don't tell me". She stated " I am so sorry there was not much we can do, he passed a while ago he been dead a while". I pleaded with her and said " please go back there is something you can do". She stated " I am very sorry for your loss". I screamed "no no please no JOhn, JOHN". The police officer gave me a hug and said " Let it out don't hold it in".

This was and is the night I replay everyday. It has been 9 months and everyday is a struggle. My twin brother John was everything to me. Not a day went buy him and I had talked, laughed, cried, and watch movies, and talked about the future. Now he is gone, and my life is like up side down.

What happen was John got into a motorcycle accident. He broke his left leg in nine different places. The doctors put a metal rod in his leg and told him it would be a while for a recovery. He came home 3 days after the operation and was given pain meds. Like 3 diffrent kinds. In October he fell down a flight of stairs and rebroke his leg and the ankle of the same leg. He went back on the pain meds.

On January 2 he was put on methadone, and taken off the others meds. I told him please be careful John methadone is not good for a pain med. John promised me he was only gonna take it if needed. Well 2 days later the methadone shutdown his respiratory system, and he went into cardiac arrest. He die peacefully for what I was told.

John was a big part of my life, he was funny, loving, giving and very caring towards others. I miss his smile, his sarcastic remarks to me. I miss him in everyway imaginable. My days are hard and I cry everyday asking
" why". I try to move forward, but that is so hard to do without him. I see his pictures and I cry, and then talk to him on everything that is going on. I don't see a life without him. I am not suicidal, just missing him so much. It is now mine and his favorite Holiday and well I wish this month would just go. I am not looking forward to the next 2 holidays. I no time won't stop, but I feel my life, and my emotions are all over the place. I don't watch tv, or read, or anything else. I don't even want to move forward cause I feel guiltily for being alive, and he is not. I pray at times that this is a nightmare, and I am just waiting to wake up.

Today was awful I was trying to get through the day, and at 7pm I felt down, and said " I am missing you man. God Blessed Virgin Mary please help me". 10 minutes later I found this site. I read on grief and then I came across the loss of a brother/Sister. I found out I am not alone. My heart goes out to all on this site, but whether you know this or not, You all have saved my life. Writing this I am relaxed but shaking, and crying as I told my story, but I am not alone in feeling this pain, and anguish, and the feeling of being lost. I feel John and along with God and the Blessed Virgin Mary, I found this site.

I love you John and everyday without you is such a struggle, I am trying so hard, but you were and are a big part of my life. I just don't know how to move forward with out you. I know your with me in some crazy way. I love you Man God do I miss you.

YOUR TWIN BROTHER MATT. HOme team man home team....

Comments for My twin brother John

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Jul 11, 2013
My unknown twin brother
by: Mike

I'd like to say I'm sorry for your loss, I'm 19, and live a very simple life. I must say I'm lucky to be going to college, and a family that loves me. Though my life is simply grateful to me, I struggle at times, and feel alone. I as well had a twin brother, but never got the chance to meet him. He died a month after being born, I'm not exactly sure how... All I know is that he was smaller than I was, and needed many tubes to stay alive. Everyday he crosses my mind, because I do pray for him every night. Mature now, I understand each day is a gift, and always ask for his protection. I'm always thinking of how life would have been like if he was here with me. And why God took him so suddenly. Why he created him in the first place... At times I pray and wish he would show himself to me... Telling me everything will be alright, and that he is here with me, hugging me, embracing me with his needed love forever and always till together in heaven. Looking in the mirror reminds me of what could have been. If he showed himself to me, I would no longer question what's missing.

Jun 08, 2013
To Bill
by: Anonymous

Bill I am sorry for your twins passing. Believe in your prayers and your father in Heaven, knows all is more merciful then you can ever imagine. Again I am sorry for your twins passing I will keep him and all on this website in my prayers. Hi John I love you so very very very much always your twin brother and best friend. Matt

Jun 04, 2013
by: Bill

My twin brother also passed away, there is only hope in Jesus, repent from your sin and trust Him alone.

May 16, 2013
My twin brother Matt Palmer died
by: Shane

My sister found my 38 year old twin flame, he was my whole life, I told god he better be right why he took Matt. He was an innocent. A virgin and purely example of a saint. He helped me with anything I wanted even if he was reluctant. Because the work was difficult. I don't feel whole and my entire immediate family is deceased. My youngest brother and my sister is all the immediate family I have that I grew up with. My sister is obese and needs help and is emotional. Matt always helped her and helped me because I run a company. Now my work is adding stress. I have had thoughts that I just want to go with Matt but I don't believe suicide is the answer. My ex girlfriend is fighting a drug charge and they may take her soon. She is the only person keeping me sane right now. She is stressed because she didn't do it but the police believe she did and her probation officer treats her as if she is guilty.and came in my home today with an uncaring attitude. I wanted to lash out at her probation officer but left the room. I have to come up with 3000 dollars to give to the funeral home. I have some very bad things happen to me to the extent I have p.t.s.d disorder. One police officer that came by knows what I have been through and nearly cried himself for me. I moved into a larger house to make sure Matt had a room and now it just lays empty. I am going to be in a big house alone soon. I lived my life to better ours because of the bad and deplorius conditions We suffered as children. My company is not doing well because three competitors moved practically all around my little small retail business and the funeral is soon. I don't know anyone here buy something in my head told me to write the events about my tragedy. From a voice reaching for help

Mar 18, 2013
Hi, and there's more
by: Anonymous

A little story for brother-in-law died a few weeks ago. He was cool, fun. Probably like your brother: You could act silly around him and feel comfortable doing so. But even further, they "get" you, they get a gorgeous kick out of you, no scrutiny, just the moment. So fine, so fluid. Only so many people will allow you to not have to completely grow up. You know? This was my BiL. I would flap my arms like a crazy bird when I saw him, he was a chuckler with a round belly. I could rub his belly and he would chuckle. Deep, right-to-his-bones chuckle. He died of a heart attack at only 50. Lived alone, died alone. Hurts to think he died alone. Still can't imagine your pain. You know that nobody dies alone. Some people toss the physiology of the dying process to things for the scientists. No way! What happened to the simplier explanation like the universal intellingence that is benevelent. The benevolence? Could be that when are cells loose oxygen or some equivalence, we would experience our worst nightmare, our worst fears in some deep chasm. Now if we have time, oh yes there is regret/remorse on the deathbed, maybe time while slamming into a tree. This isn't what I mean... the actual death process is beautiful, the splendor of orchestration, as the violin equisites the process into the white light. You can readily see it in the primal world. The lioness crawls across the baby caribou, so slow and carefully. As the casual observer, this natural slaughter could be her offspring. And to the carotid. Mid-point she places her incisors, she has no fangs, and into the twilight. Nothing mean, a baby caribou goes from life to organic...

As he lay in his casket, I had the charm of the equi-distance. I liked him but I didn't love him. I remember thinking, "...death looks so easy, hey even I can do it". Death has charm, it is the most charming in fact, no this for the movies. It's essential for the thinker, we must have moments without happiness to experience happiness. This is our cross. We must have an end. We open the gift or we watch the box. It appears to me, we are headed toward not even enjoying the "box" at all, never mind opening it. Keep looking inside, the universe is good. Take care Buddy.

Mar 18, 2013
No way.
by: Bailey

Oh Matt sweetheart, not your dad too. So sad for you, so sorry. I hope you're well. "Well" is lots of crying and plenty of soulful nourishment and and a must with the food. Biochemistry is not only important for the body but the brain... to achieve good mental health and you sound like you are. But just in case, you need to brush your mind with a thoughtful lifestyle. Don't neglect yourself, the one thing that will get you to the point of feeling the glimpses of happiness - to longer more continuous happiness - will be protecting yourself from bereavement but not missing any of it. People miss out on the beauty of this undeniable feeling because they are afraid or just weren't close. They miss the rose in fear of the thorns.

Feb 17, 2013
To Bailey and all
by: Anonymous

Yes your right it is sad on how many do move on very fast at a death of a loved one. I find it hard but by the grace of The Blessed Virgin Mary and all the prayers I have sent to Jesus through her, I am moving forward, at my pace. I miss John every second of my day, but I do know he is in a better place and waiting for my arrival. As soon as I am done my mission for God I will be able to join my brother and my father (who Passed on Oct. 3, 2012) in heaven. I pray for him and I get little messeges he is good. I pray for my loved one on earth for their pain is great also. John was fun, and exciting to talk to and hang out with. We did everything together, well we still do through me. LOL, John was and is so very loved by me and my family but as we know he would want us to move on and be happy, but that is easier said then done. This website has done a lot for me, and I hope and pray my story will let others know One day one night one hour, one half hour, one minute one second could be your last so enjoy life now and look forward to eternal life afterwards, God Bless Bailey and thank you for your love and support. Love you John miss you so much your twin brother Matt. Love always oxoxoxo

Jan 12, 2013
Dearest Matt
by: Bailey

Hello Matt:

Sweetheart, I'm so happy you've written again. I love your love and I love your face with your brother. I don't know if that "face" will come back, some say it will and some say it won't. Your brother looked like a fun guy, you look so happy with him and he with you. I'm sorry...In death, we become the "walking compassion". Most aren't the old souls to feel this but then we know, we really know. Some brothers, I know them, will wipe a few tears away at their brother's funeral, then fight over the flat screen t.v. Sad but true....As soon as your brother died and only because of your affectionate relationship, you became a fuller person. Wherever you go now you will offer much more of yourself, the moment-by-moment seem so small, but there are so many of them. I wish you well, be happy. We all want that for you, I know we do. xxxxxoxxoxoooooxxx Bye.

Jan 04, 2013
Your Twin Brother Matthew
by: Matthew Lavertue

Well its another year without Twin Brother, and the pain and sorrow is in my heart as if you passed away yesterday. I miss you so much, and pray for you daily. I love you and Miss you and cannot wait till the day we see each other again in heaven. Tell Dad I miss him also I love you both

Your twin Brother

May 09, 2012
dear friend
by: cindy dominy

I have just found this sight and your letter really hits home..I too found my brother and i thought he was sleeping..I know that cry to please just WAKE UP. my only sibling ,Jeff,died on October1,2008 at the age of 43.. It has been so hard and i find myself crying alot ,something as simple as a smell of cologne or i think i see him in a store..sounds crazy..I would of thought this grief would have gotten easier somehow..I have so much to tell him..i have two grandkids now ,one was born on October 1,2010,MY rejoice of her birth hangs with a cloud of pain over me..I want you to know your letter has helped me realize that I am not alone..thank you for that and god bless you and your family.

Mar 16, 2012
HI John From your Twin Brother Matthew
by: Anonymous

Well, It has now been 15 months with out you here. I am still lost, and afraid. I talk to you every night and every morning. Things are what they are. I am writing you to let you know I love you and miss you so very much. I have read the letters from others that wrote on your page. I see my lost and your passing has helped others to relate to pain and lost. But the one thing I have learned from you John is how to love others and try to do the best you can with the time we have on earth. You showed me nothing but love and comfort, and friendship. I hold that dear in my heart. Your body passed but what you left behind was your love because as long as I am on earth I will bring forward and pay forward what you gave me freely, which is friendship, love for others, understanding, and compassion. Mom says Hi she loves you and misses you so very much and so does the rest of the families. Well I say thank you to all who have read what happen and thank you for your kind and loving words. John don't be a stranger you never were when you was here, and you never will be not in my heart. Your love will always shine as long I am here. Until we meet in Gods Kingdom I love you my twin and always will. Love your twin brother Matthew xoxoxoxo Rest in peace my twin

Oct 25, 2011
From Matt your twin brother John
by: Anonymous

Well JOhn it has been 10 months and its is still very hard. I miss you everyday, but I know you are still with me. I try everyday to spread the love you showed me, to others. All my memories of you and I talking and laughing everday are so still fresh, and I pray they always are. I just wanted to leave a comment, on your page to say I LOVE YOU BRO, and I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH> Love Matt your twin, I REALLLY AM LOST WITHOUT YOU< BUT I AM COMING ALONG> LOVE YOU MAN

Oct 14, 2011
Your twin brother


I am so sorry for you loss...I am so very glad that you found this site. I found it three months in and it has been a real lifesaver. I also was never suicidal yet found it very difficult to lead a life without the man that I loved for so long. I am a widow but I can certainly understand how your life can be turned upside down losing what was the center of our universe.

Please read of other losses so that you know that you are not alone and respond to others losses it does help to heal ourselves. Grief is a long hard road it is one step forward three steps back in the beginning.

As time passes there will be less meltdowns and more smiles at the memories we were fortunate enough to have shared with those that we loved more than words on paper can describe.

I am having a rough time Halloween being one of Paul's and my favorite holidays. Knowing that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years which was our wedding anniversary right around the corner makes the days difficult.

But try to see the beauty in the day, we had a great sunset today and I marveled at that. Listening to the swarm of birds as they cackle and cease when I clap my hands and they fly away...
Seek out your miracles after all, Each day is a miracle...Or not.
It really is up to us...

Oct 12, 2011
The Beloved Twin
by: Geoffrey Campbell

This letter of yours was beautifully written, and effected me beyond tears, but rarely have I read something that moved me as your letter. I go to this site as my precious Father is dying, and recently I have lost another member of my family, and this site helps me greatly. I could feel your grief, but more importantly I could really sense your tremendous love for your twin brother, oh hang in there my friend, you are in my prayers and many who read of your letter will be praying for you. From a friend who cares in Pennsylvania, USA

Oct 12, 2011
Losing a loved one
by: Zoe

You are right death is not fair, it is not reasonable, or just. Bad people live while good people do not, and we do not ever get a why. I have not lost a sibling I am a Widow, but I understand how you feel about this site, it also has saved me, on several occasions.
Grief is like being on a ship, you will walk one way and just as you feel like you are getting your foot, you will be slammed another, this grief it is not an easy thing. Even after a year and a half, I can tell you only that the pain become different as time goes by.
But when you need to come here and write, we are always here and we always listen. We do not judge because we understand
and remember when all else fails
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

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