My wee mummy

by Doireann
(Uk)

I lost my mum who was 56 to cancer in May 2012. We were all present when she passed away and it is something I will never forget seeing . Nothing can prepare you for that experience and it will never leave you. She was afraid up to the end and couldn't talk about dying and that made it worse and I can't get that out of my head.

After nursing her for the last couple of months of her life , I I got much closer to her than I had ever been and i miss her terribly . She was almost like my child in the end as she couldn't walk and was in so much pain that I had to do everything for her. It pains me as she never complained much despite what she was going through. That time was a gift to me and being there for her was the least I could do for the woman who had brought me into the world. I spent night and day with her until the very end and

Almost 4 months on it feels no better. When I visit home I always go to her room and everything is just as it was , but she is not there and it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Her books and clothes still there with her scent upon them. Her little house was her treasure in life and everything she bought , yet she is no longer there and is never coming back .It's the silence at night that is piercing. I'd do anything to hear coming on through the door or in the kitchen.

My mother has taught me that life is short and that nothing and no one is worth your tears as you can he here one minute and gone the next. I am trying to live life remembering that .. .. I don't know how I am going to live without her and I am dreading Christmas

It hard for people to understand how I feel and it is a very lonely feeling, but seeing the postings has helped me realise that there many out there going through the same heartache and that helps a little ... Thanks

Comments for My wee mummy

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Sep 23, 2012

by: Doireann

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering so badly too. It is all so surreal . It's like they are on holiday and you are waiting for them to come home. I know this is silly but you probably know what I mean . It is such early days that sometimes you seem to accept it and then you just can't believe it the next . The emotions are so fluid and it is as if they never existed apart from the memories and all the worldly goods they left behind . I find the clothes and personal items hearbreaking to see and in my head feel it is not healthy to keep them , but you feel you are betraying them to hybrid of their worldly goods and their essence .

God bless

Sep 23, 2012
my wee mummy
by: sharon

Doireann i know how you are feeling as i lost my beautiful mum to cancer on 11th july 2012 and we were all there with her when she died. I too cry almost every day and like you i tried to care for her as best as i could as she too couldnt walk. I have her clothes, shoes curlers etc, and when i walk into the bedroom i still smell her perfume as though she is there. I too am dreading christmas as my mum and I always enjoyed xmas shopping together, and we would have been starting that now, but now i cannot bear to see all the xmas things in the shops. I have dreams of her nearly every night, and she is in my thoughts every minute of the day. I just really want to know that she is happy wherever she is and that she is reunited with my dad who died 25 years ago also from cancer

Sep 18, 2012
My wee mummy
by: Doreen U.K.

Doireanne, I am sorry for your loss of your mummy. It is a very hard place to be right now in grief. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 4 1/2 months ago. It still hurts badly and will for some time. I nursed my husband for 3yrs.39days. He died slowly and in awful pain. As you say. It is the silence at night that is piercing. It is a silence I have never felt before. The Emptiness, and Lonliness is like a cancer in itself. Looking around are all the traces of the one we have lost. My husband had cowboy boots sitting in the hall by the front door. I have only within 4 months put these out of sight. Everything else is hidden behind wardrobe doors so I cannot see this. In my husbands bedside cabinet is his rings ordered from America, his leather waistcoat still on the peg in the hall. His garage has all his tools still in place. All the traces of a short life, all left behind to be disposed of. This is the most painfull experience of our lives to deal with this. The remains of a life that will never again live. Lost forever. How many more tears will we shed, how much more pain will we feel. This in itself is torture for us. I wake up in a panic thinking I dreamt this, only to find my dream is the reality. How do we go on when we don't have the strength to.

Sep 17, 2012
Understand
by: Debbie

Hi,, I too lost my mum to cancer on the 18th July 2012. I totally understand where you are coming from, I find it hard to put into words the pain I feel and disbelief if I'm honest. I miss My mum so much it does physically hurt. Like you I see her clothes,, sandals, make up, rollers etc all as they were and knowing my mum isn't ever going to use these items again is too much to bare.x

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