My whole world changed, yet I am still here

by Chris
(South Korea)

Back in January, shortly before my birthday, my entire world collapsed.

I am a U.S service man, currently stationed in Korea. My fiance had been struggling with cancer. For sometime it seemed that she was beating it. We were both concerned when I was sent here, because we were uncertain if she would be able to make the trip or not.

We decided that I would head for Korea and we would look into how she might make the trip to be with me. That was in December shortly after Christmas.

She didn't make it to the end of January, and I was half the world away and had no time to get home to her before she passed away.I extended my time in Korea simply because I did not want to go home to that emptiness where we had been together. I thought it might help but it hasn't.

Everything feels so detached now, as if I am just here. That I have no connections to anything anymore.

We were together for almost three years. Which I know isn't a long time compared to what others have had. But that time felt so much longer and was so intense because she had been struggling and each day felt as though it might be the last one. And I wanted to give her everything that I could. To make her feel like we would be together forever.

Now I realize what I fool I was. That hasn't stopped the emotions however. My dreams of her. or the way I long for the time we had together.

I can't let go of her. I don't want to.

Comments for My whole world changed, yet I am still here

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Sep 29, 2012
My whole world changed, yet I am still here.
by: Doreen U.K.

Chris You are not a fool for being away when your fiance was ill. It is not as if you could have prioritised anything in your life. When you are in the armed forces you pretty much have your life organised for you and you just have to follow orders. Us women want the man the love of our lives to be around forever. I guess you wanted that too. This is the language of love. It is just so sad that you didn't get the chance to fullfill your desire to grow old together. It matters not whether you had 3yrs together or 33yrs. It was the quality of time you had with each other that was special to you. I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband to cancer 5 months ago and it might as well be 5yrs. or 55yrs. the pain would be the same. You say you can't let go of her. this is the hardest part for all of us is letting go of the past and looking to the future. Each of us has to decide what we want out of life and sieze the day. If you don't want to let go of your fiance. THEN DON'T hold onto her and her memories as long as you need to. You will know when you are ready to move on in life and to what. You have a very important job to do. You will in time be able to put everything into place. I will never let go of my husband and the memories we shared. I am in control and I won't let any other man intrude on this. My lifelong song to my husband was. MY WORLD BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOU.

Sep 28, 2012
CHRIS
by: IRWIN DRESNER

HI CHRIS, I JUST CAME ACROSS YOUR POST. I AM A KOREA WAR VET AND WAS IN KOREA 1951-1952. I AM GOING OVER YOUR POST AND I WILL WRITE TO YOU IN ABOUT A FEW HOURS. mY WIFE PASSED AWAY 3 YEARS AGO AND COMBAT WAS EASIER. I ALSO HAVE COMBAT MOVIES. I WILL GET BACK TO YOU TODAY.
IRWIN

Sep 22, 2012
Hang In There
by: Anonymous

You don't have to let go of her . . . she is just "stationed" in Heaven while you are still "stationed" on earth. One day, you guys will finally be located on the same base. Hang in there until that time. Have hope, faith in God. That is the only thing getting me through the loss of my love. Reading the Bible every day is helping me deal with the emptiness, loneliness, despair, . . . one day.

Sep 21, 2012
My whole world changed, yet I am still here.
by: Doreen U.K.

Chris I am sorry for your loss of your fiance to cancer. That dreaded disease that keeps cropping up as if it was the flu. My husband of 44yrs. died of cancer 4 3/4 months ago and I nursed him for over 3yrs. and had to watch him die slowly. This is a horrible journey for us who are grieving. It is such a slow process that can't be hurried. I have had a bad grief day today. I feel so isolated and lonely. The house is silent and so very quiet without Steve my husband. I can't bear not seeing him anymore. I can't bear not touching him when I washed his face. I liked the way he held his toothbrush with such style. He was a very placid beautiful person. Oh how my heart aches for him. I can't bear the weeks ahead without the love of my life.
You say you feel so detached now as if you are just here, that you have no connections to life anymore. This is what this hollow feeling of grief is like. I hope that you are well supported in your grief as it does make a differnce to how we go on each new day.

Sep 21, 2012
None of us can escape grief
by: Jan

Hi my name is Jan and I have just read your letter and I want to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss, because I know the pain you describe and I feel the pain you describe every minute of every hour. I lost my partner In January also. That feeling of emptiness and of pain and of not knowing where your supposed to be anymore. I get up everyday and all I do is exist and try to make it through that day and the next and the next......If you would like to write to me, then my email is jjon248@aol.com

We had plans and dreams and if we were the only two people on this planet, then it wouldn't of mattered to me because I would of had everything I possible could have imagined. My whole life was taken away from me and I do not know how to deal with my life without the person I loved with all my heart and more if that were possible. Some of the last words that were spoken were "wherever it is I go, if it is possible to let you know I am ok and at peace and pain free, then I will let you know, when your time comes, I will be here waiting for you so that we can spend all eternity together and never be without each other again" I do understand your pain and your words, I am almost feeling some of your pain too. I am here if you want to talk to someone who truly understands. Take care of yourself.

My name is Jan

Sep 21, 2012
empathy
by: rayolife

Dear Chris,
I feel your pain DEEPLY. First, I want to tell you how proud I am of you, and thank you for serving our country! You are a very special, brave, and courageous young man. My son David, 28 years old, served with the Army 82nd Airborne PIR in Iraq during the 2004 elections, he returned to the US and his platoon trained soldiers in Alabama/Louisana area, and at the Citadel! His unit deployed to Afghanistan Jan 2007- April 2008. David then joined the Army Reserves for another 4 years and was to return to Afghanistan in 2009. He was working on a biology degree to become a physician's assistant. David was engaged to Heather who had 1 more year of college. She had already tried on wedding dresses, I had made her bridal bouquet, and started working on the reception decorations and the groomsmen's boutonieres. He was home on leave and had reservations in July for a week's vacation in the NC mountains to celebrate his return from Afghnistan with all his family and friends.On the morning that he was supposed to leave for his vacation 7/25/08, he and his finacee decided to eat lunch with a couple of their friends before they left for vacation. While driving his motorcyle to meet his friends, a commercial tanker failed to yeild right-of-way, made a left turn and hit him head-on! His fiancee called me to say he was late and asked me to drive the way he would go to meet their friends for lunch. So I came upon the scene of the accident, fortunately they had already taken my son to the hospital, but he passed away almost instantly, thank the Good Lord. I had to wait a while for the police to investigate. The driver was charged with involuntary manslaughter,driving without a suspended license, never had applied for a commercial driver's license, had a terrible driving record, a repeat DUI, the truck was over weight, out of inspection, improperly registered, and found out later the driver was talking on a cell phone, and tested positive for marijuana, but that was never reported to the authorities before the court date. When the state trooper finally came to me and said, "There has been a terrible accident and your son is deceased" I felt like someone had blasted a canonball through my chest and abdomen! My entire future collapsed like a huge, heavy curtain falling from the sky. No more family celebrations with his energetic and humorous personality, no wedding, no grandchildren, NOTHING! My world came to a complete STOP, but the rest of the world kept turning. I was so devastated I had to take a 6 month's leave of absence from work. NOTHING makes it better, ever!By the way the driver only received 8 days in jail, and the truck company was fined only $30.00!!!!! It's been 4 years now. His girlfriend started dating someone else, but is miserable and keeps comparing him to David. A huge void presses on my chest every day! Seek counseling, read books, journal, it may take years to accept her death. Hold on tight, it's a hard, lonely journey!

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