by Ray Gleaton
I was just back from Vietnam and a friend wanted me to meet a beautiful lady him and his wife seen in a small rural church. I went on a blind date to meet her, she answered the door and I was struck with awe, I fell in love instantly and knew we would be together through this life. Two nights later I proposed while we were walking down the beach holding hands. Her parents were ministers and her mother married us in their church six days later. That was July 1, 1971 and she passed from liver cancer September 9, 2013 . She was my reason in this life, she was life. The last three years we woke in the mornings holding hands, every weekend I laid beside her all day, reading, watching stupid movies and talking about our lives together. She was so tiny and frail, her little heart could take no more and she faded from this life squeezing may hand and smiling at my big dumb face,
My daughter and son make me go on with their love and devotion or I would fade from this life for I have no purpose here. I have become lost, I live in memories of her laughter of her smile and of times gone from me that will never return.
What I am experiencing now is not just grief or sorrow but the loss of purpose, the loss of hope and direction. I don't know why I am here, what do I do now. Nothing seems important anything I was interested in even days before she left, I have no interest in now. Do I just wait my turn to join her, do I wear this mask of I'm ok so people quit asking how I'm doing. I could scream at them that I am a mess, I have no will to go on, I am angry at God,Life and everyone around me but to spare their feelings, I say I'm ok. Ok, I will never be again. She was my life, there is only time now and grey days and sleepless nights and I cry like a small child and I have become afraid of living to long.
There is no solace when souls are torn apart and one is left to wander in the cold darkness of the living. Living is harder now, than Vietnam was when I was young. There I had to fear dieting , it is much harder fearing to live.