My World Has Ended.

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My World Has Ended.

by John Huner
(Conyers Ga)

My son who I loved more than anything did the unthinkable and took his own life om 03/30/2011. It seems he did not intend or so I hope. I know he was high on meth and was hallucinating when he did so. He was a fine son who always had a kind word for everyone and his daughter will turn 1 on April 23 2011. He was 34 and haunted by many things and drugs were an outlet for the pain he was in.

I will never hear him say I love you Dad anymore nor will he call me at work to check on me.

I hope all parents will tell their sons and daughter every chance they have to tell them they love them.

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My World Has Ended.

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My World Has Ended...
by: the.esoteric.love

Dear John,
They say there is no worse a pain than a parent losing a child. I believe it to be true, for what is more precious and powerful than the love we begin to understand when our first child is born.. We watch them grow, every step of the way, we are their guardian and we nourish them with all our heart and soul. It is a love that blooms, even in the darkest corner, even when we hurt each other or hurt ourselves, and hope the shame and agony is unseen by the ones that love us...
Your son passed away in very difficult circumstances.. and I say difficult because it is something that you will lack understanding of, no matter how much you contemplate on the why's, how's and what could have been, there is no clear picture here, just the aftermath of a deluge.. one that had changed your life forever, and left you feeling naked and impoverished in the deepest part of your identity and human core. You feel you are dying.. slowly fading behind clouds that deepen your sorrow. You hurt because you cannot come to a conclusion or sense of understanding that allows you to receive justice. There are just not enough answers, and no one, can make it all better again... You wonder what it takes to feel even the tiniest bit of relief or peace or just to feel.. to feel like you.
John, you are not alone, what happened wasn't your fault and you cannot continue to hurt yourself further with worrisome and destructive thoughts about how you could have done more. No matter how hard we try to protect our children, and how close we feel to them, they will always find a way to occasionally fly into a direction we fear for them. Most of them come back.. and learn.. sometimes they slip up again, and learn again.. because that is life; it can be very easy to fall, and so hard to get up again. When we're young, we tend to think we need nobody to see and hear about our struggles, because of how we'll be perceived or the fear of not making other people, or ourselves proud. And those struggles can be deadly.. when we choose to give up, and forget that there are people who love us enough to hold us up, when we loose the energy and courage to continue fighting alone...

I hope that you find a light in your life John, that begins to cleanse the guilt you feel at the loss of your Son. He would not have wanted to pain you in this way. Drugs destroy peoples lives.. and those left behind, who suffer the losses of their sons, daughters, sisters, brothers and loved ones, know only what it is to be left with pieces, that can't be pieced back together again.

My heart goes out to you and your family. May you all find healing, through each other, and in united strength xo.

A year gone by.
by: John Huner

It has be 365 days as of today when I came home and found my son John had taken is own life. Each day that passes does not get any better just worse. I get angry at myself as I feel I could have done more and differnt things that might have prevented it. I am able to put up a false front for the people I work with and deal with on a daily basis. I get home and he is not there and miss talking to him while fixing supper. I miss his daily phone calls checking on me and having me bring him some fireballs or a couple of cigarettes. Most of all I miss him telling me good night and saying I love you. Time does not heal all wounds thats for sure. John was a good son and friend but could not leave the drugs alone for any period of time. I guess in his mind death was the only way out for him. I will always miss him and think about him everyday .

ditto
by: Anonymous

i want to die too
i feel lonely allways and down.

Still can't get over it still hurt My world has ended
by: John Huner

It 's been almost 9 months since my son John took is own life do to his drug addiction.
He would have been 35 on December the 9th.

Tomorrow will be Christmas which makes things worse for me. I still blame myself wishing I could have done more but can't figure what that could have been. I try to pretend I am ok but am am not and never will be.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a child as no one else knows the pain we deal with 24 hours a day 7 days a week We don't really have any good days only bad days then worse than bad days.

I miss my John so very very much and nothing I can do to bring him back. If there is a Heaven I know he is there as he suffered so much here on earth.

An Old Friend
by: Nicole Stegall

John,

I was lucky to of had your son in my life for five years. It was years ago but I have fond memories, some of which I'm sure you remember yourself. I have looked for him a couple times over the years, with no luck. The times I thought I had, I was never sure. The one time I do, this is what I find. I'm still not sure I believe it myself. I'm so sorry for you and your family. John was a truly amazing person, and will be greatly missed.

very sorry
by: Anonymous

John,

What was your sons name?

Why & If Only...as long as it takes...
by: Dakota Blues

My daughter took her life 3 years ago. She had just turned 25. I am not where I want to be in my grief recovery at all. I keep thinking I can find a short cut...which isn't there. I keep thinking I can do this alone...which I can't. I may be to the point where seeking outside help is needed.

My daughter was given a medication, along with her birth control pills, and within 3 months she was dead. I sometimes struggle with the "why" and the "if only" but not nearly as often as the first year. It's a puzzle piece that is missing and I learned that I won't be able to find it...or if I think I found it...it still doesn't really fit. I still don't really know, why. I can't really say for sure.

We don't get to know 100% of the "why." The one to ask is gone. My daughter seemed to be a normal, healthy young adult. I can point fingers all day long at the side effects with that medication but I will not be given 100% clarity. We just do not know for sure what a person may be thinking no matter how close we are to them. I was really close to my daughter and I never dreamed she was suicidal. I so worried about car accidents.

We all have to struggle with "the why." It's part of your grief and normal. Over time "the why" and "what if's" do settle down in our heads. I may not be able to encourage y'all in a lot of areas of grief work but I can tell you that you will wrestle with the 'why" and "if only" for as long as you need to and then you will slowly start to lay those two issues down. Hugs~

So Sorry for Your Loss
by: Dakota Blues

Losing a child is like no other pain. Be very gentle with yourself. Do let your loved ones embrace you right now. Accept ALL help that is offered for as long as it is offered.

Do try to live one day at a time. "Can I just get through today?" Your son was deeply loved...he will be deeply grieved. Grieve and allow others to comfort you.

I found this site today. There is a lot of good information here. Read as you are able to. Again, be very gentle with yourself right now.

So sorry
by: Loretta

I read this, and feel your pain. My son, John, died of a heroin overdose on January 3, 2011. I know it was an "accidental overdose" however, having overdosed 3x that I know of, and having been on advanced life support for one of them- I cant imagine what he was thinking when he relapsed. All I can say is that their struggles are over, and ours have just begun. I will pray for you, as I do for all of us who have this loss, that we come to peace within our own hearts, that our children are in Heaven. Whatever one believes, we must believe, that our children are at Peace.
Hugs to you from California.
Loretta

Sorry for your loss
by: Cynthia Fletche

I just lost my Dad, and what you said about all parents should tell your children you love them is so true, you just never know. Your life can change in just one minute and never ever be the same ever again. I to also have lost a child, she was 2 months old, and I have never been the same since. Time does heal some things but not all and now loosing my Dad has been probably the hardest. I would call and bug him all the time, I miss him. I am praying for you and I to get through the hard days. Just know you were loved by your son...

Truly sorrry for your pain
by: Anonymous

John,
I am so sorry for your loss.

I am sure your son did not intend to end his life. A son that took the time to check in on his dad at work would not deliberately cause you the pain that you feel today.

The demons that cause a person to turn to drugs for comfort took your sons life. Your son could not control those demons. Your son could not find peace in this life, but take comfort in the knowledge that your son is now at peace with the Lord.

May God bless you and your family & give your grand daughter a HUGE hug and kiss. She is the most wonderful gift your son could have given you.

There are more people on this site praying for you than you could imagine. God is bound to listen to us and help you through this in time.

Truly Sorry
by: Ashley roberds sharpe

I am deeply sorry. John was my friend in school. Learning of his death has saddened me. I know hey was a good person, & will be missed.

lost sons
by: Anonymous

I too lost my son on 8/9/10....just 8 months ago. I still have moments where I feel like I'm drowning and can't breathe. I went back to work 3 weeks after his death and I was a zombie. I've been attending Compassionate Friends' meetings and that has helped a lot. Friends are great but it gets to a point where they can't listen to you anymore. At least when I go to these meetings I'm "allowed" to grieve and I don't have to hide it. I don't understand this...Dimitri was only 23. He was just becoming a man. He was just starting his life. I'd trade mine for his any day. I don't have words to comfort you. I still haven't found the right ones for me. Hopefully, one day, all of us will have the answer to the question, "Why?".

RE: My World Has Ended.
by: the.esoteric.love

My deepest condolences go out to you and your family. No parent should have to bury their child; it feels so wrong in every way.. and what explanation could possibly do it justice? So many questions left unanswered, and it haunts you to try and answer what you know you never can..

You cannot allow yourself to be taunted by thoughts that your world has ended. Your child may have meant the world to you, but you must also be aware that you also mean the world to someone else, and there is a lot more for you to do and accomplish here as you journey through life. It will take time, a lot of time.. for you and your family to adjust to living without your dear son, but you can do it, and you know he would want you to look back on him at happier times and move forward with your own life without carrying the cloud of the circumstances under which he died. I know it is a hard thing to do.. but if you keep his memory alive, and reflect on the positive experiences you both shared, it may eventually ease your pain and perhaps some of the helplessness you have felt while contemplating what more you could've done to prevent the worst from occurring.

You have a grandchild that is the greatest and most wonderful gift of life he could've left for you. Whenever you look at her, whenever she stares at you with those big, innocent, happy eyes, think of your son and the unconditional love that exists between a parent and child. Surely, your son felt that amazing sense of connection and safety with you, so whenever you really want to give your son the biggest hug tell him how much he meant to you, give your grand daughter your words and affection instead. Perhaps he will feel it through her, if you believe it so..

take care, and special hugs to you

our sons
by: kay

John
I am so sorry and sad for your huge loss. As a parent who has also lost a son who was 23 years old only last year. I can fully understand your pain. I am sending you all my love and a message of healing. Our lives will never be the same again. WE will always and forever hold them in our hearts. please take care of yourself.xxxxx

My world has ended
by: Anonymous

I know how do you fell I also lost my son he took his life on 2/19/2011 and I just can not make myself to back to work just. The hold in my chest of pain , hope some day we can be able to say everything is ok. Hope that with all my soul .

Loosing your son
by: M Mack

John,

So sorry for the loss of your son. You are probably still numb and trying to figure it all out. This will be a rough road for you and going through it is horrible. Your son was not well, he made a mistake and I'm sure he didn't want this to happen. Pray for him and yourself to find the strength needed to go through this grief. No matter what the circumstance surrounding this tragedy, there is hope for all of us. We need to work through it, face it head on and give in to the sadness I lost the best thing that ever happened to me suddenly nine months ago. I'm still very sad and have many ups and downs.

I'm glad you came to this site for comfort. Write, vent and know that you are not alone. Read posts from the many people all over the world mourning a lost loved one. There is even a part about suicide and many great books to help you along. My heart goes out to you and your family. You have my prayers.

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My World Has Ended.