My world is shattered but still life goes on
My dad died on 18 May 2014, he had been in and out of hospital so I never tght this time he won't come out. I remember the Sunday morning I was still in bed and my phone rang though it said mum I never expected to hear the words dad died this morning. I remember throwing my cell away jumping out of bed and screaming, it was the most searing pain I have ever felt and to date it hasn't stopped. Literally I feel like my heart is broken and I will never be happy again. I have cried so many time but now I fell guilty because I am upsetting my lil gal and my poor husband. I can't talk to mum about my pain cause I don't want to upset her, my older sister acts all normal like everything is okay, I am back at work now and life continues same old issues with customers and the bosses. Life continues and yet my dad a very big part of my life is gone and my world is crumbling all around me. I don't know if people are just insensitive or truly don't know what to say but they all go on about how much weight I have lost and how lucky I am to have become so slim. I want to scream at them all and their obsession with diets, boot camps and health shakes and let them know that I would take all that weight back if only I could have my dad back. I have lost weight from all the heartache and pain and anguish and all someone can say is how lucky I am to be so slim. I am tired of pretending to be okay to make everyone else comfortable, I am tired of crying my heart out in bathing rooms, I am sick and tired of people who tell me that it's all part of growing up and we must accept it and move on. Who gives anyone the right to tell me when to stop grieving. I had seriously stopped crying and even started laughing at some of his jokes but today a parcel I had shipped for him finally arrived home but it's too late now cause my dad is dead.
All my life I have been motivated by the desire to make my dad proud, he believed in me and always encouraged me at school, in my career and even in my marriage, now dad is gone and non of the things I have spent my time pursuing are worth it. Who is going to be there to say well done when I accomplish things who is going to encourage me. I know I am 33 years old but I still need my dad around. This week my daughter got her exam results and she has done so well, all I could do was cry cause I knew if dad was around I would have picked up the phone and let him know . Even in his last days he kept asking how her exams were but now he is not around to share in the celebration.
My daughter and I always say prayers before bed time and each time she used to ask that God bless grandma and grandpa, nowadays she always pauses or makes a mistake and quickly corrects herself. It's like dad has just vanished, he is gone from our lives but still the world expects me to smile chin up and continue as though nothing happened. The world continues but my daddy is gone forever, can't they see the great chasm his death has created in my life. Will I ever be happy again, will my heart stop aching, no one wants to talk about him is that how people deal with grief. I just don't understand I just believe my dad deserves more so much more but the world disagrees and life goes on