My world is shattered but still life goes on

by Tendo
(UK)

My dad died on 18 May 2014, he had been in and out of hospital so I never tght this time he won't come out. I remember the Sunday morning I was still in bed and my phone rang though it said mum I never expected to hear the words dad died this morning. I remember throwing my cell away jumping out of bed and screaming, it was the most searing pain I have ever felt and to date it hasn't stopped. Literally I feel like my heart is broken and I will never be happy again. I have cried so many time but now I fell guilty because I am upsetting my lil gal and my poor husband. I can't talk to mum about my pain cause I don't want to upset her, my older sister acts all normal like everything is okay, I am back at work now and life continues same old issues with customers and the bosses. Life continues and yet my dad a very big part of my life is gone and my world is crumbling all around me. I don't know if people are just insensitive or truly don't know what to say but they all go on about how much weight I have lost and how lucky I am to have become so slim. I want to scream at them all and their obsession with diets, boot camps and health shakes and let them know that I would take all that weight back if only I could have my dad back. I have lost weight from all the heartache and pain and anguish and all someone can say is how lucky I am to be so slim. I am tired of pretending to be okay to make everyone else comfortable, I am tired of crying my heart out in bathing rooms, I am sick and tired of people who tell me that it's all part of growing up and we must accept it and move on. Who gives anyone the right to tell me when to stop grieving. I had seriously stopped crying and even started laughing at some of his jokes but today a parcel I had shipped for him finally arrived home but it's too late now cause my dad is dead.
All my life I have been motivated by the desire to make my dad proud, he believed in me and always encouraged me at school, in my career and even in my marriage, now dad is gone and non of the things I have spent my time pursuing are worth it. Who is going to be there to say well done when I accomplish things who is going to encourage me. I know I am 33 years old but I still need my dad around. This week my daughter got her exam results and she has done so well, all I could do was cry cause I knew if dad was around I would have picked up the phone and let him know . Even in his last days he kept asking how her exams were but now he is not around to share in the celebration.
My daughter and I always say prayers before bed time and each time she used to ask that God bless grandma and grandpa, nowadays she always pauses or makes a mistake and quickly corrects herself. It's like dad has just vanished, he is gone from our lives but still the world expects me to smile chin up and continue as though nothing happened. The world continues but my daddy is gone forever, can't they see the great chasm his death has created in my life. Will I ever be happy again, will my heart stop aching, no one wants to talk about him is that how people deal with grief. I just don't understand I just believe my dad deserves more so much more but the world disagrees and life goes on

Comments for My world is shattered but still life goes on

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Jul 20, 2014
My dad too
by: Anonymous

I lost my dad on the 9 June 2014, I'm on hold but at 46 still a daddy's gi. You have just written EXACTLY my story except I had to face some horrible decision before he died but my dad being my dad took them away from me an went into cardiac arrest in front of me. I am forever grateful to him for taking the decision. BUT my world is shattered and no one knows how I feel until I read this so I do know how you are feeling. It's horrible and won't go away. I'm angry with everyone. I have booked some bereavement counseling starting this week it the hope to let out how I feel to someone who won't say something stupid or what they think is right.

I hope our pain eases but don't think it's ever going to go.

Jul 16, 2014
My world is shattered but still life goes on
by: Doreen UK

Tendo I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad. None of us knows how to do grief well, or what to expect. The pain is horrendous. Sure we have heard of someone dying and we said. "I am so sorry to hear you lost your ........" But this is all we can do is to pay our respects without even knowing what the pain of grief feels like if we have never experienced this before. NOW. We will be different because we will REALLY FEEL what the person is going through.
People will always say the usual things about TIME BEING A HEALER. or YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. or YOU SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW. We are afraid to tap into our family in case we upset them or bring up their feelings and they cry. And we didn't mean to do this. We tend to go off in our own clicks and just do grief by ourselves. Life goes on and we want to scream whilst our world has stopped and is full of pain. I Lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. and it still hurts. My youngest daughter is 33yrs. same age as you, and she still misses her father. We never outgrow our fathers/mothers. We want them around forever. I miss telling my husband what I have done to the house and how I have done all the jobs he would have done. He built up this home and not here to enjoy the fruits of his labours. Best thing I do is keep the home looking good for the kids. Your mother's grief will be different having lost her husband. She will feel LOST for a long while trying to process her loss and how she moves forward with her life. I guess your father was close to retiring and now your mother will have this emptiness without him. This is how I feel. So unfair to not have this down time to enjoy our lives together. Grandchildren will miss having grandpa around.
It is O.K. for you to still grieve the way you need to and for this to be respected. We don't force grief. We don't force ourselves to cry. It is a spontaneous reaction to hurt, pain, and loss. So just express this how you need to. There will come a time it will get less and you will cry mostly when a memory comes back. But you will Heal and recover from your loss, as we all will. Meantime keep reading posts and replying if you so wish. You will find this grief site your best friend at the moment and on going. Best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I coped. FOCUS is the key to changing one's outlook and perspective, but this happens over time. It was hard for me to watch TV and hear people laughing and going on as normal untouched by any tragedy. It almost felt disrespectful. This is just the aspect of grief. In time this feeling fades. But it is a common feeling. Life will get better for you all in time. Meanwhile keep talking, and supporting each other. If you don't want to upset your mother, you can just ask her how she is? and how you can help her. Ask her occasionally what she needs from you in support. Be guided by her needs, and not yours trying to fix things, or being the strong one for everyone.

Jul 15, 2014
Broken Hearted
by: Shana

I am Sooooo sorry for your loss!!!! I just lost my mama on the 21st of June,her birthday would have been the 4th of July would have been58.I know how you feel, I too have went back to work:( I feel guilty about going on with everyday life.Seems like everything should stop for my loss but unfortunately life don't work that way.I will keep you in my thoughts&prayers.Hopefully things will get easier for both of us.Keep in mind: no matter how hard it is your dad & my mama are in a better place.my mama suffered a lot the last 7 weeks of her life from April 29th til June 21st. I miss her soooo much I know she is no matter how I NEED her here with me.

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