My World

by Vickii
(London, England)

My mum passed away on the 1st of May, so nearly 7 months ago, I still can not believe she has gone I'm 19 years old and my mum has been there for me my whole life through the ups & the downs, but the last couple of years she became my best friend.. we used to talk & see each other daily I used to tell her everything!! Things I wouldn't be able to tell anybody. My mum was quite poorly sometimes with asthma and she was hospitalized quite a few times, so in a way I was very protective of her and worried every time she became poorly, but I never knew she was so ill.. Leading up to her death she was hospitalised a few times due to her 'astmah' but nothing life threatening or so nwe thought.. she was to poorly to see my daughter on her 1st birthday, 26th april 2012 but made it to her birthday party on the 28th april, little did I know it would be the last time I saw her alive!! I have no pictures of her from that day it just shows how I took seeing her for granted! My mum passed the tuesday after and the whole day just feels so unreal, 1st of all I put my phone on silent that night, something I rarely used to do especially as my mum was poorly, I slept in in the morning because I had a headache, I was seeing my mum later that day so didnt think much of it, My dad usually works the full week but he had a day off this day, when I woke I had 15 missed calls, immediately I knew something was wrong, I tried to phone my dad but could not get through, so phoned my cousin.. she told me I needed to get to the hospital as my mum had a heart attack, at that point I screamed my whole world fell apart with her words, but never in my mind did I think my mum was dead! Just to know my mum was suffering broke my heart! I spoke to my dad & my aunty whilst waiting for a cab (which was taking abnormally long) they said I better get there quick as it didn't look good. whilst waiting on the corner for my cab a strange sense of calm came over me whilst tears still flowed I sort of felt in my heart everything was ok, so when I got to the hospital and saw my family waiting outside the ambulance entrance, I just asked where my mum was I just wanted to be with her, my dad started crying and I said what? Is she dead? the words made me feel sick.. so when they nodded I felt like I couldn't even breathe, like someone had stabbed me through the chest and dragged it through my heart.. I saw my mum, and just wanted her to get up, I begged her too, when I held her hand I'm sure with all my being that she squeezed it.. maybe i'm just kidding myself but I dont know.. But to this day I still feel that exact same feeling I felt when they told me, everytime I think of her.. But I seem to have just carried on as normal, I dont think people even realise I hurt so bad, I dont know if this is part of the grief or part of my mum living on inside me, because my mum was a fighter, she was the strongest most caring wonderful woman I have and will ever meet in my life.. I just miss her soo much x

Comments for My World

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Nov 24, 2012
Thank you
by: Vickii

Thank you both so much for your beautiful words, they mean alot especially since you have both experienced such pain, I find it so hard to let my emotions out I find it easier to write.. and thank you for taking the time to read my words and help me through such a tough time, my condolences to both of your losses and I hope with time we can all get through such pain and sadness!! x

Nov 23, 2012
My World
by: Doreen U.K.

Vicki however long a person fights an illness to live and they die it is because their time had come to leave this world. I think we can only fight so long. It is up to God when we leave this world. God gives life, and God takes life away.
I am sorry for your loss of your mum. She will always live inside of you, which is why it hurts so much and will do so for some time. It is such a fearful, panicky, desperate moment when the ones we love are so close to death and even die suddenly and we are so very desperate to hold onto them and say one last word, but we don't get the chance to do this.
For some of us we become numb. This happened to me. I still am waiting to thaw out. I have frozen grief. I am plagued with that awful memory of seeing my beloved husband of 44yrs. just lying there having drawn his last breath. I found it difficult to cry. I started ringing everyone I knew to tell them. I skyped my sister in Australia and with her I was able to cry and express my emotion. My sister flew over to be with me. My 3 sisters are so very supportive I couldn't get through a single day without them. It does help having supportive loving people around you to help you through each day.
The lonliness is the worst battle to deal with. Not having our loved one's presence with us is so very hard to deal with. Like all of us you have to HOPE you will get through life with very little damaged emotions that death leaves us with.

Nov 22, 2012
Dear Vicki
by: Anonymous

Your story breaks my heart. You are so young to have gone through this heart-rending experience. I can only try to imagine the terrible sense of panic you must have felt between the missed calls and the time you were able to reach your mother. I do not know how to begin to tell you that I'm truly sorry that you could not speak to her just one more time, but, if it will bring you even the smallest degree of comfort, I believe with my whole heart that she spoke to you. The feeling of calm you describe is no co-incidence, and neither is the squeeze of her hand. Whatever anyone says, it was her way of telling you that she loves you and that she is okay.

My own beloved Mum passed on 28 September this year. She was very ill with metastisised cancer and I had been with her the weekend before. However, I could not be with her at her moment of departure - I live 800km away - but I had confirmed arrangements to fly out the next day, and my plan was to stay with her for as long as she needed me. It was not to be, and I will always regret the fact that I was one day too late to see her again. However, at the precise moment of her passing, I had an experience which will stay with me forever, because I know that my mother was here with me. I cannot describe it because I would not be able to relate it properly. I only want you to know that your Mum did not abandon you. Wherever she is, she knows how much you are hurting, and, if you can bring some silence to the confusion inside you, you will be able to sense that she wishes to comfort you. Be open and allow yourself to be consoled. After all, who can do that better than our mothers?

There is a very beautiful poem which might bring you some relief. I would quote it here but, for fear of violating the website's policy or copyright law, I will only say the poem is entitled "High Flight", by John Gillespie Magee. I discovered this poem in a poetry book many years ago and I am not sure if you will find it on the Internet. I hope you will, and, if you do, I would like to suggest that you share it with your Dad and with anyone else who was close to your Mum. I am certain it will help them too; I also believe that sharing the message of the poem with all who loved her will bring a kind of confirmation to you that your Mum is indeed okay.

Thank you very much for sharing your story on this site. For me personally, it helps to validate more strongly my own experience at my Mum's passing, and I am truly grateful to know that there are people who might relate to that. I hope you will find true comfort knowing that your Mum is near you.

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