My worse regret..
by Anabella's Mother
Hello. I wanted to share my story with everyone. I am 19 years old and in February of this year, I went to the emergency room for vomiting. I thought I had a stomach virus or food poising since my vomiting and nausea wouldn't stop. First thing they made me do was pee in a cup, as hospitals always do. When the doctor comes into the room, she introduces herself and asks me why I'm there. I tell her everything and she tells me what medication she'll give me. Just before she exits the room she says, "Just to be clear, you are aware that you're pregnant, right?" My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I shook my head no and she confirmed it once more. When she walks out, I start tearing up. It was unbelievable. I was told by my OBGYN that the chances of me ever getting pregnant where slim to none and that without treatment, getting pregnant was out of the picture. So I accepted it since I never really wanted kids in the future anyway. But now i was pregnant and I was so shocked and confused and overwhelmed. I didn't know how to feel! It was almost like a miracle. I just couldn't believe it, but something in me had a good feeling about this. I called my boyfriend (father) that same night and let him know. He was also very surprised but didn't say much of it. I was scared to hear what he had to say about it. Since he was 28 and much older than me, I expected him to be shocked since it wasn't planned but also excited. But we finally talked about it in person, he wasn't excited at all... His take on it was that 'it was up to me' but he thought that an abortion was the best thing. That just crushed me. I myself wasn't sure what I wanted to do 100%, but I didn't want to get an abortion. In his defense, he mentioned how I was constantly getting kicked out of my parents' house and that I didn't have a car and how we couldn't afford a baby or a place to live together, and that we just weren't ready. It doesn't feel good to hear "I dont want it but its up to you" coming from the person who's in the situation with you. I felt so alone, I didn't have anyone but my bias boyfriend to talk to about it with. I just kept trying to keep hope that one day he would say "yes lets keep it" but those words never came out of his mouth. We kept the pregnancy talk to a minimum and in fact, we avoided it, which didn't help. I was left with this HUGE, life changing decision to make, all on my own. My mother and I were on extremely bad terms at the time and as mentioned before, I was kicked out of my parents' house. She has always told me that if I were to ever get pregnant, she would make me get an abortion or kick me out so either way, I wouldn't go to her about it. So here I am, alone and stressed. I knew I had to make up my mind, before it was too late. I started thinking about my future, and how I was still in school and how I didn't have any money saved up and how I didn't even want children. The more I thought about it, the more reasons I found to not go through with this pregnancy. I went from being told I wasn't able to have kids, to getting pregnant, to contemplating abortion. I kept thinking that we could make it work but what if I went through with the pregnancy and there was no longer a "we" and we split? What if I have this baby and I ruin the father's life? What if i'm left all alone with my baby and I'm not able to give them the life they deserve? In March, a month after finding out, I scheduled to get the abortion. My boyfriend drove me and the car ride was long and silent. I was hoping my boyfriend would stop and say "Let's just turn around, go home and keep our baby," but it didn't happen. Just more silence. I felt really numb and emotionless before and after arriving at the clinic. My boyfriend kept asking me if I was okay and I would nod my head yes. But I wasn't. At the clinic, they made me do an urine test, then they preformed an ultrasound where I found out I was 8 weeks. I tried my hardest to not look at the screen and denied the photos of the scan. I went to the counseling they offer but it was more of just consenting and signing a lot of papers. They then took me and 2 other women down to where we would wait to get the abortion done. The women were both 40+ years old, which made me feel worse. Most of that is blurry but I had to change into a gown and put my belongings in a locker. I remember being wheel-chaired into the operation room. I started to tear up when the nurse was injecting the anesthesia. She saw my tears, caressed my hair and told me she promised everything would be okay. I knew it was too late to back down now. When I woke up, I felt no physical pain or had any guilt or regrets. I went about my life for about a month like nothing happened until it finally hit me... I had killed my baby. There was a human growing inside of me, a person I made, and now it was gone. I began regretting my decision and crying about it every single chance I got. I couldn't believe what I had done, I felt like a monster. How could I kill my baby?? Who even was I? I couldn't function. I had dropped out of school. I ended up dying my hair a different color and cutting it real short, to try and feel like a different person because I couldn't stand the person I was. My boyfriend and I had many fights after the abortion, and I blamed him for all of it. I told him that if he would of gave me just a little support and reassurance, I would of been strong enough to keep my baby and we wouldn't be the way we were. But deep down I know he isn't the only one at fault. He tells me now that he also regrets the decision and he's sorry for handling the situation the way he did. It is now September and its about to be 7 months since my abortion. Til this day, I cry about the death of my unborn child every single day. I've started seeing a therapist who has been very helpful and understand with everything. I assumed the gender and named her Anabella, as a coping and grieving technique, and I pray and apologize to her every night. I apologize for not being strong enough to own up and allow her to grow up to become a beautiful, unique individual and I let her know that if I could take it back, I would. I rather go through hard times with her by my side than live with the regret and self-hatred I do now. I will never forget my Anabella and I know I will live with this feeling for the rest of my life. But I do hope it gets easier to cope with. I hope my story comes across someone who's pregnant and confused with what to do. I hope they see how an abortion can damage you and scar you for the rest of your life. No matter how hard it may seem now, everything will work out in the end. God does everything for a reason and if you are given the chance to create life, you're blessed.