My worst nightmare that came true

by Jill Urbank
(cuyahoga falls, OH)

December 10, 2010 started out like any other day. But it ended in the worst way possible. My husband Aaron died suddenly at work because of a heart attack. We have our own business of hauling water and he drove the truck and I handled the books. Now I handle all of it. I had to hire a person to drive the truck and I know very little about trucks. He was the most important person in my life. Besides our 16 year old son that worshiped the ground his father walked on. He of course is in pain too. Everyday is like walking in quick sand. I get up and just go through the day. I drop from exhaustion and such sadness everyday around 9pm and then I'm awake in the middle of the night, I then fall back to sleep for a short time and the day starts all over again. I have never in my life have felt such sadness and despair. I wish it would have been me instead of him. But here I am trying to pick up this shattered and lonely life because of my son. He and his dad were just about to start his Boy Scout Eagle project and yes his father was the Scoutmaster of my son's boy scout troop. They all miss him too.

The panic is too much. Everyday I cry and say over and over again that I just want my old life back with him. I don't know what the future holds and I'm scared without him.

I thought we would have so many more years together and now there is nothing. I hate the evening hours and it is scary at night so I keep the tv on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. He was the best person I have ever known. I'm lost without him.

Comments for My worst nightmare that came true

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Feb 26, 2011
the loneliness surrounds us
by:

Jill,

Confession time. I have had the T.V on for a year now. It is an old T.V without a timer so I wake up and turn both the alarm clock and the T.V off. Last night is the first night that I slept in the silent dark. It took me longer to fall asleep but I did. Paul used to say that a habit takes a month to make and a month to break. I never agreed with that, more a month to make and three months to break.

Grief is our worst nightmare. We just want it over want it to be like it was. Then we spend the grief not crying trying to find a way out of it, or an exact phase and time of grief.

If I knew it would be a year I would medicate myself into oblivion and wake up a year later tired and unaware of what just happened. But it does not work that way. Grief is hard work and there is no way around it. Rich or poor, smart or simple We ALL go through it our own way but go through it we must.

I will say that I wish there was more support and grief groups in VA and other states. I went to one hospice meeting on grief. The men told me how much their dog missed their wife. That did not help much and I called the grief counselor directly for the many meltdowns.

Come back; this group helped me through the insanity of grief, without them I would be a puddle.
HH

Feb 26, 2011
It is a Nightmare
by: TrishJ

Jill~
I lost my husband exactly one week before you. We seem to be in the same place. For the first 30 days my body was going on autopilot. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Now I'm sleeping a little better but I too have the TV going 24/7. I guess I just want to feel like I'm not alone.
My husband was my best friend and I am so lost without him. My children a bit older than yours ~ I have three very young grandsons that keep asking, "Where's Pop Pop?" It breaks my heart to tell them where he is but it breaks even more to know that eventually they will stop asking.
This is a real roller coaster ride. My emotions are all over the place. I have one good day followed by two terrible days where I don't even want to get out of bed.

We're all in this together. It's a huge uphill battle. This is a wonderful website. I've gotten some really great information and support here. One day at a time ~ that's all we can do. Do the best we can and make our husband's proud of us. We have to believe there is a reason we remain here in such pain. We will see them again some day. God's blessings.

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