My Youngest Brother Committed Suicide on Jan 2, 2011

by Mason
(Westminster, Maryland)

I went over to Ben's apartment that morning with my dog; he was going to watch her for me while I went away for a few days. He had taken an overdose of sleeping pills and died in his bathtub, which is where I found him. I called 911 and they had me try to resuscitate him to no avail. He had probably been dead for at least an hour at that point. He was 28 years old.

I've since gone back to work. I somehow manage to keep it together throughout the day, but I always seem to lose it at night. The pain is literally worse than anything I've ever experienced in all my life. I can't get the image of his body lying in his bathtub out of my head. Sometimes I think he's here in my apartment when my dog starts barking. My living room is filled with boxes of his possessions.

Wrapping up all his loose ends has been particularly hard on myself and my Mom and my other brother. We had to pack up and move everything out of his apartment. We had to close his bank accounts and transfer the titles on his cars. Cancel his credit cards. Call his friends or message them on Facebook. It's like every day brings a new small nightmare, but they're all part of one big long nightmare. One you can't wake up from.

I've joined a survivor support group. I'll go to the first meeting next month. I also signed up to do an 18 mile overnight walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I'm trying desperately to find ways to cope, to try to make some kind of sense out of something that at it's core makes no sense and never can. Every day is a struggle to survive.

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Sep 16, 2014
Missing by Older Brother
by: Karen

On August 22, 2014 my brother took his life. I feel like someone is ripping at my heart. I lost my other brother to a motorcycle in 2008. How do I cope.

May 17, 2014
some days I forget
by: Fay

Some days I forget my brother is dead. I have never gone to California since he killed himself. I feel rotten for not going to his wake and for not making an effort to visit my niece and nephew and now his new granddaughter, but I can´t bear the thought of ever going to San Pedro again. It´s as if I can imagine him still living there if I never actually go. It´s 18 months now since he shot himself. On the days that I remember he´s gone, I cry myself to sleep. I wonder if he ever knew how much I love him? xox

Feb 14, 2014
Missing my baby brother
by: Anonymous

I am truly saddened by your recent loss. I know the excruciating pain and confusion you are experiencing. I felt it a few years ago when I got the news of my baby brother's suicide. I did feel like I was losing my mind for months after his death. It helped me to seek out a support group. I was also put in touch with a woman who had worked through her husband's suicide. She helped me know that many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing were a part of the grief process. Most importantly, she helped me to not feel so emotionally isolated. I can say that today I am more accepting of the loss, but that took time. Your grief is necessary. You must try to let yourself feel it. Ask your husband, friends, whomever you can reach out to for help, some space from your children when you feel overwhelmed by the feelings. Your brother sounded like a very special young man who was tormented by his depression. He leaves a big baby brother hole in your heart. It will heal, but for now it's ok for you to be a mess. They are simply irreplaceable.

Feb 13, 2014
waiting for it to get easier
by: Anonymous

My little brother took his own life nearly 7 weeks ago. The pain is just unbearable. The questions that will never be answered, the what if's and if only's go round and round my head, over and over... I feel like I'm going mad. I know everyone says lovely things about people who have passed away but my brother truly was the kindest man. He suffered with depression and had recently come out of a 5year relationship. He was taking anti depressants and had told everybody close to him that he was feeling better and looking forward to a promising future. Next thing I know there's a policeman in my house telling be my beautiful boy has hung himself with his belt. He was just 22. I miss him so much, his face, voice, mannerisms and the sense of humour we shared. I just wish I could think about him without feeling this deep sadness and a pain that at times is actually physical. I have a lovely husband, two beautiful daughters and I'm expecting a third child in a few weeks. I feel so overwhelmed by my brother's death I just feel hopeless.

My love and thoughts go out to everyone dealing with similar experiences. Surely things will get easier for us all?? I hope so.

Aug 11, 2013
Lost my brother too
by: Anonymous

Hey everyone. I lost my younger brother in 78. He to suicide. We were both athletes. It is now August 2013 and I still feel the loss. It changed my life forever. I am so sorry to all of you and your loss. I am so sorry to all of you. I wish I could take your pain away.

May 29, 2013
May 4, 2011
by: Anonymous

May 4, 2011 - that when my younger brother committed suicide. We all knew he was very depressed but none of us could reach him. He called me a week before he died and said he was losing his mind. I tried to comfort him and asked him to check himself into the hospital. A bold thing to ask I know. I wanted him to see what he had to live for and he just didn't see it. For all of you out there - there is more to life than the here and now. Your job is not who you are! Your bank account is not who you are! Who you are is how you treat those around you - especially those you have no voice for themselves. God bless you all!

Dec 09, 2012
My brother shot himself on November 2nd
by: Anonymous

This is so amazing to find this page. My brother shot his girlfriend and them himself on his 55th birthday November 2nd. They each had three children. I cannot describe the pain than I'm feeling. I'm 57 years old but for the first time in my life I really know what a broken heart feels like. I send love and light to all of you and all of those who've taken their lives, that they may now be at peace. xox

Nov 03, 2012
You got to keep living
by: M

I didnt think too much about suicide until 6th January 2004. I remember it being a cold dull day. Raining a bit too. I got a phone call from my dad at around 2am crying on the phone saying my eldest brother is dead..he killed himself. Bought some petrol and lit himself in his car. Only a couple of streets away in this dark road. Thoughts played on could he...what was he feeling. He actually died outside the car..guessing it was to much for him. Dental records were needed to identify him. Yep.I do miss him. I know he may have had his reasons but I have to continue on...granted its not easy especially when my younger brother followed in his footsteps at the very same place and did the same thing:-( . Both were under thirty. My youngest was going through ups and downs with his ex wife. They were separated and living apart which i didnt know until later.Shet stopped him from seeing his two young daughters. Even today after his funeral last year his ex wife said she would allow us to see the girls but communication from her at all. My parents wanted to see their granddaughters but she is being a cold heated person. Still to this day..i thought i would get some answers from her...but i guess she knows what wrong she done. Her brother was rude when i told him why hasn't she contacted me back after leaving my number with him. Now i given up on them. My youngest brother is dead and nothing is going to bring him back. So i look forward and take each day as it comes...I mean you have to live...don't you??

Sep 25, 2012
Time goes on
by: Nicholas

My heart aches for those who suffer.
38 yrs ago my brother left this life behind.
I was born on his 10th birthday, and I was 17 when he decided to leave.
My father crumbled,.he never really recovered.
My mother chose to support dad which enabled him more.
It hurt me to see them consumed by their sadness,
You will hurt, and time will go on,. and then one day you will realize that there has been a time when you have not thought aboutyour brother.
The periods of time will get longer,.
You will feel guilty sometimes that you haven't had them in your thoughts,.,but less and less so as time goes will have your moments, without rhyme or reason sometimes,.
Your pain is a selfish feeling, the one you love can no longer feel anything, just you can.
Try to channel your sadness, empathize with your brother, feel sadness that they chose to leave life.
You as the living have a duty and a right to be as content with life as you can, not a duty to mourn forever the dead. We can all choose death if we wish.
So teach yourself to understand your feelings, your grief, explore your sadness and then master it.
Do not let the choice of another make choices for you.
There are a lot of us in this world that have experienced this dreadful event,
I would hug all of you if i could.


Sep 20, 2012
My 21 year old brother committed suicide
by: Anonymous

My brother killed himself 12 days ago. He was staying at his friend's place and he left at 4am, went to the park and hung himself. I'm 5 years older than him so I'm his big sister but he's dead now so I don't know what that means. I feel like just staying in bed now but my family all seem to be functioning and doing things. I have to say that I've got a headache to be able to stay in bed. My body feels like it's hurting from my heart to everywhere. I feel so tired. I have no energy and I feel so flat. I know that this is grief and that I'll have less of these feelings in time but for now I want to sit with these feelings and grieve for my brother's life which no longer is. I don't want to be strong and I don't want to get on with things. I just want to be for a little bit longer before getting on with my life and pretending he never existed.

Sep 19, 2012
My Sweet Little Brother
by: Anonymous

My little brother committed suicide on December 26, 2003. Every Christmas and other holidays are very hard for me and our family. I suffered with depression and anxiety because every day I found a reason why I should have been there for him even more than what I was, how I could have stopped him from doing it. He was my best friend as well. I miss him so much. He was going through a divorce and was trying to work things out with his wife. She did not want to work things out. Time does not heal the grief, it just takes you a little bit farther away from the pain. I have two children so I have to move on and keep going for them, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my little brother, and although I understand what the rest of you are going through, at least I don't feel alone with my grief anymore and that there are people out there who understand what I'm going through.

Sep 08, 2012
by: Anonymous

My brother took his own life on the 27th of November 2011.

I have no idea why he did this.

I miss him every day and I feel like noone understands what I am going through. Nobody cares and everyone is just getting on with their lives.

I have another brother who talks to me infrequently, I try my best to communicate with him and nothing comes of it. I feel completely helpless and cut off.

Sep 03, 2012
My little brother
by: SGray

My brother committed suicide yesterday. He was 23 years old. He was my only sibling and my younger brother. I left the family home for four days. Left a note saying, "I left for good -Alex." He drove to the Park all by himself and spent the day on the park. He always wanted to go there. He then drove to Pennsylvania and committed suicide in a hotel room. He was gone for 4 days before he took his life. My family and I spent days searching any record of his we could fine, Internet posts, called hotel rooms, all on top of a national missing persons report and full police investigation.
My mother keeps saying she wants to join him and I fear she may never be alright. We have to begin his funeral arrangements today. Everyone keeps telling me I have to be strong for my mother but I just lost my only sibling. My childhood playmate. The only person who I could sit with and rant about family dramas because he knew too. I'm 25 and in my last semester of college for my bachelors degree. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who is so supportive and loving but nothing can fill the loss of my brother. I feel as though I've been abandoned. I'm now an only child. I don't have someone to share stories and holidays with like him. He'll never be here to share weddings and births with me. My heart just ached to the point it feels like it will explode.

I love you Alex and I will never forget you. You were so smart and witty. I pray that you can send me some strength to get through this, now that you're my guardian angel.

Sep 02, 2012
my beautiful little brother
by: Anonymous

My beautiful little brother committed suicide two weeks ago.. August 23rd at only 19 years old. He had struggled with psychosis a year ago. when my dad says we lost tom 3 years ago mentally it crushes me.. I didnt lose tom 3 years ago he was still my little brother even if he wasnt communicating or connecting with the world I still needed to look after him. He jumped from a bridge with oncoming traffic...when my parents told me i thought he had been silly and was in hospital with a broken leg at worst but he wasnt ... he left the house that day for one of his walks and he knew he wasnt coming back. its still so raw every morning its like you cant breathe ... you cant talk. nobody understands.

I have lit a candle in my room tonight and have searched the internet for words to describe how this feels.. because how do you describe how this feels? The words left by everyone here have been such a comfort for me.. I wanted to let you all know that I think you are so brave... i dont know how life goes on now, everyone is telling you to live your life for two people but i cant even get through one day without breaking inside.

There are so many questions that you find yourself running around in your head.. why didnt he give us any sign of suicidal behaviour he had never hurt himself before... why that bridge, why that day, why couldnt we help him....

I hope I will be able to accept one day that his suffering has ended and hes at peace now but its so hard, to look into the future and the sky's and think of him but all i want to do now is hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

Aug 03, 2012
A year on
by: Anon

My brother hanged himself on the 4th of August 2011. He was a troubled man, estranged from my mother and I for many years but we always hoped he would turn his life around. He never got to make amends and we never got to help him. I still feel so sad, a year on, hoping that his soul rests in peace now, often thinking of memories of happier childhood times and still in shock sometimes that he is gone forever.

Jul 21, 2012
Missing my little brother
by: Anonymous

My younger brother committed suicide June 29, 2011 at the age of 26. A year and 2 months before my cousin committed suicide also at the age of 22. I finally accepted my cousin, but the pain of my brother has been overwhelming. I feel like I can't move forward. I want to move forward. I want the pain to stop. I've been seeing a counselor for awhile now,but I want someone to hang out with that understands how bad it hurts. He went to war 4 times and on that horrible day he was gone. He had PTSD. It really does feel like a never ending nightmare. I miss him so much.

Jun 10, 2012
my oldest brother completed suicide 4 years ago
by: Therese

July 5, 2008...a day I will never forget. My brother completed his suicide. It still haunts me, no matter how much therapy I've been through. His was a genius, giving and troubled. We didn't know he was bipolar until it was too late. I want so so much to know how he is and where he is. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.

Apr 23, 2012
My little brother
by: Belinda

My beautiful little brother took his own life on the 5th of November 2009. Although it is not as fresh as many others who have written on here, I am still here on the internet almost 3 years later looking for some kind of comfort or some way to cope. The grief does come an go in cycles. Sometimes I dont want it to go at all. Sometimes I feel like there is no possible way I could live the rest of my life with this pain and without him in it. Thank you to all of you for being here, love to you all.

Apr 18, 2012
My baby sister
by: Lisa

My baby sister hung herself on March 16, 2007. It has very difficult in so many ways. A person can grief to death. I didn't. I felt like I was going to at times. Even now.
The thing to remember: Take care of yourself. I know only too well how easy it is to allow despair to color every aspect of life. Guilt can cause a grieving individual to neglect to neglect him or herself. I know I nearly did.
Remember: No matter how much you punish yourself, it won't bring them back.
Remember: You loved the victim. Remember the vital essence, and let go of the rest.
Remember: It's cyclic, this emotional horror story of an emotional and psychological nightmare of reality. It will get better. Sometimes, it will get worse. Eventually, the cycles become tamer, not so extreme. It takes however long it takes. Most people know their siblings for their entire lifetime. I'm not one of them. It was five years ago this past March, but I will never stop missing her, and the person she could have been.

Mar 13, 2012
My Younger Brother
by: Anonymous

I too lost my younger brother Sept. 27 of this year. I cannot tell you the pain and anguish it has caused me and his family. He was a kind and gentle soul, truely unique in so many ways. He was an accomplished builder and loved so many things. I will not and cannot understand, even to this day, why he is gone. I am saddened by his passing and each day I think of him.

Dec 23, 2011
my brother
by: LC

My brother done this about 4 weeks ago and I can't begin to cope with it I'm in so much pain am 22 and have never dealt with anything like this. How long should I wait b4 I go for a spiritual reading? I feel its necessary but have been told I should leave it a while ...

Oct 29, 2011
I will always remember you
by: Anonymous Sister

I lost my younger brother to suicide several months ago. The pain and guilt associated with his death is always there, even though sometimes just under the surface. He was the kind of person who would give people the shirt off his back. For all of us lucky enough to know him, he is simply irreplaceable. I was awed by his humility and generosity. He was tormented by dyslexia, feeling "less than" in a family of overachievers. He was also very ill with a chronic condition... he just got tired. No one saw it coming. I will miss him till the day I die. The world has lost a great and gentle man.

Sep 03, 2011
My elder sister committed suicide on 2 sept 2011
by: Anonymous

She set herself on fire. I am scared today and wondering how long it will take me to feel better.

My sister was 4 years older. She was always a weak person who could never study or earn any money. But she lived a good life until last few years. She had 3 kids and a husband who was mean but still they were together from 20 years. He was selfish sometimes, but still always stick around for the family. They were suffering from financial problems from sometimes. This has caused my brother-in-law to move to a different city. He was earning money there and sending it home to help raise his family. The reason sister took her life is because she wanted him to come back and see her. He didn't want to come back for some more time. This triggered my sister into depression and she took her life.

I feel guilty because I used to help my sister with money and also used to give her moral support by keeping in touch continuously. But, about 8 months ago, I really got fed up with all this. I wanted to live my own life and didn't want to carry responsibilities of her family. I had gone through divorce myself and was unhappy in my own life. I asked her to manage her own life and wasn't keeping in touch with her as much as I used to. Before she committed suicide I hadn't called her for over 2 months. It makes things even harder because she lived in India and I am living in UK.

Now, I am dying inside with the feelings of guilt. And, even imagining how terrible her death must have been, makes me feel completely insane.

I don't know how and when I will get over this. When I would stop playing those incidents in my mind when I was rude to her...She has given me the worst punishment for my bad behaviour.

Aug 12, 2011
My little sister
by: Anonymous

My little sister took her life on the 15 th august 2010 by anti depressant tablets she did this on her 21 st birthday she had mental issues and was always trying to commit suicide and take her life but no one would help they say she was putting it on I think if she had more help she would still be here I miss her so much and her 7 year old niece who she adored missis her swell we look to the stars n she says there's auntie rochelle I feel she's at peace now n she cant hurt herself anymore it dont take away the pain tho

Jul 28, 2011
older brother
by: Anonymous

My older brother committed suicide on January 2, 2011. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. We were not close, but he was my only sibling. To this day, I replay over and over in my head the scene when I had to go to my parents house and tell them he was gone.

Jul 10, 2011
by: Anonymous

My husband is great, he always had a great sense of humor, I knew he loved me that was 4 years ago, he found his younger brother dead by suicide one morning, he wasnt on great terms with him at the time but he loved him greatly, life hasnt been the same since , it is getting easier but sometimes not so, his father passed away not long after, I cant explain the pain he has gone through, after they died he he took some anti depressants hoping he would never wake up, other things have happened, maybe 5 things he did to himself physically to try to hurt himself, I cant tell anyone, he thinks his mum has suffered enough she dosent need to hear our problems, got him to see a councellor in this area, recently he has had thoughts of dying, he looked up how to kill yourself on the net, he said he just did that after a few drinks, I know this is not normal, I know he cant get the picture of finding his brother out of his head, our relationship has suffered greatly, we have beautiful young children and I love him so much , sometimes it is so hard, I could never leave him, this is not his fault, but his humor effects the family greatly, I have a heavy heart watching him like this, he does work but we dont go out anymore and he has lost all contact with his friends, dont get me wrong he is not always down or depressed but when he is I worry, what do I need to do?

May 19, 2011
Thank you everyone
by: Mason

I appreciate all the words of support. We had a memorial for all his friends and family to come pay their respects, mainly because we thought a lot of people would want the closure. My mom wanted a video to show during the service, so I spent several weeks going through hundreds of photos and hours of video and film footage. Editing it together was incredibly painful - it felt like my heart was being torn out. I managed to finish it, though, and everyone at the celebration loved it. I've also gotten a tattoo on my arm, a portrait of Ben from a picture I took of him in Vegas.
Now it seems like I'll have a few good days where I don't think about it too much, although it's always there in the back of my mind. Then there's days where I just lose it. I guess that's normal.
To the most recent post by anonymous in Westminster, the support group I've been going to is in Frederick. It's been helpful. If you want any information, you can contact me at this email

I hope things are getting better for all of you. Thanks again for commenting. Peace

May 12, 2011
suicide of my brother
by: Anonymous

Hi older brother tim committed suicide in 2008. I still cry everyday and I feel like my soul and heart will never heal. I also live in westminster and am looking for support groups etc. Anything to help me survive. If ud like 2 contact me let me know.

May 05, 2011
by: Anonymous

My husband chose to take his life on Feb. 28 2011.. The pain i feel is none like i have ever felt. I always thought he was the strong one... I am like the lady that found her brother in the bathtub but i found my husband in the bed.... It is a terrible image....And yes the guilt i feel is unbearable... I feel i need to be strong for my kids but i don't want to do anything or go anywhere....

Apr 05, 2011
sorry to hear that
by: Anonymous

My Elder brother did the same about 6 months ago.

Mar 19, 2011
Tying up the loose ends
by: Rebecca

Since my brother passed, I've had try and do everything for my brother. I agree it is hard from closing accounts, making phone calls, repeating the tragedy over and over again. Please the pain of looking at the death cert over and over again as you submit to the various companies. I wish I knew all his affairs, but I am working based on memory and emails that we had. Because his partner won't talk to us nor even mail us his mail, now he won't reply about giving us my brothers personal items. So we are at an entire loss of hope. Not sure when this will get better. All I can say is that my hope is gone, because when he was alive I always hung on to hope that I'd see him again along that God would rescue him from the tormented life he lived. Recently I found out that his partner has been illegally cashing all my brothers unemployment checks acting like he is my brother. I reported it right away. He is the only possible person, cause he had all my brothers passwords, wallet and important papers. His partner even changed my brothers facebook, so I contacted facebook and ask them to return it to what it was as my brother left it and to memorialize it. memorialize means that no ever can make changes to it, only his friends can post and view. I also had to close my brothers email account. It's been a nightmare for sure.

Mar 07, 2011
i am so sorry
by: Rebecca

I am so very sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through. At this time, I really don't have any encouraging words, as my brother just committed suicide on Jan 31, 2011 too. The grieving pain loneliness is overwhelming. I just want to tell you that I care and I am so very sorry for you and your family.

Feb 27, 2011
The pain of suicide
by: Anonymous

My husband committed suicide in June 2009. He left behind a loving wife and three great kids. I also joined a grief group and I have also received grief counseling. I think you are doing great with trying to move forward. The pain is the worse I have ever felt. It is especially hard to not have closure. The whys can never be answered. I am so sorry for your loss

Feb 23, 2011
Love Yourself
by: TrishJ

The most important advice that can be given to suicide survivors is that you must not feel any guilt or think there was anything you could've done to prevent this. This was your brother's decision. That doesn't ease the pain inside or take away all the questions of "WHY"? but survivor's guilt can really tear someone up inside.

I personally have known three people who have comitted suicide. What hurts us so much is to know that person was in so much pain they could find no other escape from it but to take their life. Then there is anger ~ "How could _________ do this to us?"

It's best to find some help with this grieving. You really can't do it alone.

Come to this site and write your thoughts often. It really helps. There are some awesome and supportive people here.

God's blessings to you.

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