(south africa , worcester)
It's been 5 months since my mother died from a very rare form of cancer(cholangiocarcinoma). How can you ever express the awful sadness that is constantly with you. The horror of watching those bright eyes go dull and losing your mom in front of your eyes while she is literally starving to death and there is absolutly nothing you can do about it. I am still so angry! She was only 54years old. She had just been married for two years with the love of her life! I have two boys who are now 2 and 4 years old and it was so difficult the last 2 months of her life. I felt permanently guilty. I felt guilty for leaving my husband every weekend to take care of our kids. During the week I felt guilty for not being with my mom. The world stood still then. It felt like an awfull nightmare I couldn't escape from. Every time I went there I tried to prepare myself mentally for the picture I am going to see. " ok,nadia, mom is going to be yellow. her eyes are yellow, she is going to be even thinner than before, she is going to look like a skeleton. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND DEAL WITH IT! " So you put on a fake smile and put on your iron man T-shirt and pretend that you are the strongest person in the world. yeah right! depression. I'm not the same person my husband married or the mother I was before. Everything feels fake. Fake laughter,fake smiles. I miss my mom so much it almost feels like a physical pain. Its been 5 months and I haven't grieved like I should, it was too difficult to go there. Had to be strong for everyone around me. I now know it was wrong to do that. I wasn't going to heal that way. So I am taking a weekend away to write down all the things I could never say.Cry and hopefully start to heal. Starting a journal of all the missed memories to come.