by nadia
(south africa , worcester)

It's been 5 months since my mother died from a very rare form of cancer(cholangiocarcinoma). How can you ever express the awful sadness that is constantly with you. The horror of watching those bright eyes go dull and losing your mom in front of your eyes while she is literally starving to death and there is absolutly nothing you can do about it. I am still so angry! She was only 54years old. She had just been married for two years with the love of her life! I have two boys who are now 2 and 4 years old and it was so difficult the last 2 months of her life. I felt permanently guilty. I felt guilty for leaving my husband every weekend to take care of our kids. During the week I felt guilty for not being with my mom. The world stood still then. It felt like an awfull nightmare I couldn't escape from. Every time I went there I tried to prepare myself mentally for the picture I am going to see. " ok,nadia, mom is going to be yellow. her eyes are yellow, she is going to be even thinner than before, she is going to look like a skeleton. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND DEAL WITH IT! " So you put on a fake smile and put on your iron man T-shirt and pretend that you are the strongest person in the world. yeah right! depression. I'm not the same person my husband married or the mother I was before. Everything feels fake. Fake laughter,fake smiles. I miss my mom so much it almost feels like a physical pain. Its been 5 months and I haven't grieved like I should, it was too difficult to go there. Had to be strong for everyone around me. I now know it was wrong to do that. I wasn't going to heal that way. So I am taking a weekend away to write down all the things I could never say.Cry and hopefully start to heal. Starting a journal of all the missed memories to come.

Comments for nadia

Click here to add your own comments

May 15, 2012
Don't be angry please
by: Anonymous

my mom passed away two weeks ago from a rare form of cancer, because of the cancer she had kidney failure so she was on dialysis on top of chemo and everything else she was going through...just like you, i plastered a fake smile and wore my Iron man tee when i went to see her, i was lucky enough to see her everyday...her eyes lit up every time she saw me....ever since i was a kid....she smile ALL The time griwing up, she was the best mom ever. I feel like a chain with a missing link now, nothing is the same, NOTHING...Mother's day was so hard for me, i have two girls so i had to pretend like i was normal. my mom passed a day after her 60 birthday, the last week she didn't eat or drink, she hated hospitals so she had hospice care at home, she was given a high dose of morphine so she was sleeping for 5 days till the day she left. We kept talking to her, telling her everything that needed to be said. on her birthday my my husband and both girls went to see her, we said happy birthday to her and stayed with her for 3:26am the next day my dada called to tell me she was gone....the ground shifted from under my feet and i ran ti her...she looked so peaceful, she had a slight smile on her face....she was finally free from a body that gave out on her beautiful soul. I love her so much, the weird thing is at 3:00am ( which is the exact time she passed) I suddenly woke up from a deep sleep and felt a warm loving feeling, it felt as though the most loving being had put their hand on my head, and it was gone as fast as it came....i know it was my mom, she loved me so much.

I was angry at first but can't imagine the thought of her being here and suffering immensely. Please don't be angry, our moms are in a better place...if they were with us they would have been suffering. Our moms are in a place of warmth and love...they are needed elsewhere more....our moms have raised us to be strong, sensitive, loving and caring, they have raised us to stand up for ourselves and be kind to others. There will be a day when we will meet our mommy's, that is what keeps me going....I also know they are looking down at us and smiling. Lets keep their memories alive. Let's be loving and kind like our moms were, instead of being bitter. God bless

May 12, 2012
by: Ivy

Sometimes it feels so never ending.. the sadness and times it goes away then all of sudden it comes back. It just makes you feel so helpless. I just graduated physical therapy and I guess I really don't have the motivation anymore to treat patients.. Maybe soon.. And this Mother's Day thats coming up well it's not gonna be easy for me. Its my first mother's day without her and just thinking about that just makes me want to cry.. I guess we dont have to be strong yet. I mean for me, I feel pretty weak most of the time.. I mean I don't feel very good most days, my apartment is in a mess, i'm not attending review classes. I just can't find it in me to really concentrate. I guess from what i've read here its normal but even so reading is very different from feeling it. It feels like i'm going crazy sometimes. I feel like some sad lonely depressed person and that makes me feel worse. Then at times I feel alot better. Its like some kinda trick. Feels like im going crazy and the shifting of moods is so tiring. I would really love to feel her holding me again. To see that smile of hers... anyway I dont know if youve seen this but id like to share a poem I found recently....

A thousand words could not bring you
back...I know because I tried..

A thousand tears could not bring you
back... I know because I cried.

I really miss you mom, Tell me:

I miss you mom, Although your
soul is at rest, and your body free
from pain, The world would be like
heaven if I had you back again.

You're always in my thoughts no
matter where I go, Always in my
heart, Because I loved you so.

However long my life might last,
Whatever land I view, I still remember you. I really miss you mom

May 11, 2012
5 months
by: Ivy

Hey Nadia, sorry for your mother also died 5 months ago from yesterday. From cancer that wasnt diagnosed early enough. I also wrote here because I wasn't grieving properly she died at a time when I was so busy preparing for graduation. I witnessed her getting thinner and thinner. It's really hard, until now. I mostly stay at home alone nowadays just so I can fully grieve properly. This website helps alot. It truly is a rollercoaster ride and it seems so fresh that it'll never end. Well I watched a movie recently, "Courageous". It has a few points about death that I can kind of relate to. It describes dealing with the loss of a loved one like an amputee, youre alive but you'll never be the same again...anyway, I just noticed your blog bec it starts out the same as mine. I'll pray for you too.

May 11, 2012
me too
by: Anonymous

My story is long and I can't share it all today because I can't stop crying and having these wonderful anxiety attacks that started 13 months ago. My mother died 13 months ago of ovarian cancer. She died 13 days after I was told of her illness. I like you put on a brave face, strong, smiling all the time during the 13 days. My mother did not want to know anything about being sick so I was the one being told the brutal news. My mother my best friend was going to die and i just pretended that the world was fine. People would come and say u look good when will they let u go home. I would answer she will comehome when she is better knowing full well she was not coming home. They told me she could die any day. But I just kept smiling. Back track nine years same situation this time my father backtrack five years same situation this time my cousin who was like a sister to me (I am an only child). Now I am a valcano of emotions no more games, know one else to protect horrible news from. Now I am a walking living disaster. Me who never took anything stronger than asprin am now on the strongest amounts of antidepressants as well as anti-anxiety medications. I never mourned for my father or cousin because I had to be the strong one. Now all my strenght is gone just gone. I still put on that God forsaken smile so that I can at least work but it is all fake i have no smiles left i am tired of faking and saying how wonderful I am because it is all a lie. I saw my mother suffer the pains of hell during the last 13 days of her life. I never left herside for a second literally did not leave her room. She was all I had and i was not going to let her die alone. Where did I get all the strenght i had for so many years. Now it is just gone. My extended family just don't get it. All I can say to u is that you are not alone and it just sucks. This is my second mother's day without my mother i thought last year was hard this year is worse.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!