Daddy was an amazing, talented, loving man. He passed on April 25, 2012, at the age of 87, after a four month battle (four months that we were aware of the illness) with lung cancer. Daddy never smoked, worked hard (gardening, etc.) right up until he had the strokes that led to the lung cancer diagnosis. Fortunately, I was able to constantly be with Daddy for the last 4 days of his life. I adore my Daddy and even at age 63, I feel lost without him. I miss Daddy so much, but I have missed closeness with him all my life because of my narcisstic mother, who was jealous of his paying any attention to anyone but her. She required constant praise, kept him from me, their only child, his parents, his sisters, and anyone else who even dared to try to have a private conversation with him. She feels free to critize even the most minor thing about others, but you dare not even hint that there might, possibly be a little something maybe that wasn't perfect about her. We tried to keep Daddy at home for the last months of his life, but when his sister and niece came, at my request, to help us care for him at home, my mother insulted everyone, was hateful to Daddy, and would not let us care for him there. He finally asked to go to a nursing home (something he hated and I tried so hard to prevent) because he did not feel safe at home. No matter how hateful and spiteful mother was, Daddy defended her and would not say a word against her. I longed for him to validate all the horrible things she had done and said to me and to others, but he would not. Now that he is gone, she, only 2 moths after Daddy died, has taken up with a man, whose wife passed away in March 2012, from our church. This has upset me so because I feel they are being so disrespectful of both of their deceased spouses and the children on both sides. My mother will not let me talk rationally to her and all I want to do is cut off contact with her at this point. This is breaking my heart--losing Daddy and her behavior. I feel like she was using Daddy and now is able to put him behind her already and move on.

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Jun 29, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry for the loss of your Daddy. He lived to a good age. But nevertheless at 63. He was still your father and precious. I am the same age as you and my father is still alive at 91yrs. yesterday being his birthday. I will miss my father when he dies. I miss my husband who died 7 weeks ago.
I am sorry about how your mother is behaving. I am sorry also for you not being able to have the relationship with your mother that daughters need and hope for. Your father sounds just like my husband. Placid and not into strife and contention. He did not say a bad word against your mother which says a lot. HE LOVED HER. I don't know what happened along the way to change things. Who knows what goes on in a marriage? where one person honours the other but this is not returned. Your mother lived with your father perhaps in an understanding way. Pity she was so cruel in her manner. It sounds like your mother became bitter over hurts only known to your father and her. Often the children just don't know what goes on in their parents marriage. They are only are aware that there is unhappiness.
Your mother may have been seeing other men before your father died. She didn't do anything about this till your father died. Perhaps she didn't have her needs met within marriage. There will be a lot questions and anger not only for your loss of your father but also for the behaviour of your mother. You will probably not want a relationship with your mother and just have to let her go. It is no use wasting time over what we can't change. If we can't change our situation we can only change our attitude towards the situation. This is the only way be become survivors.

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