nanny, 6/23/12


I lost my grandmother (nanny) on June 23rd 2012 - she was 68.

Let me rewind a little. My uncle died June 22nd of 1996. My nanny was a very religious woman, and my uncle was gay. He died with full blown AIDS/HIV. When he died, it seemed like a huge part of her died right along with him, and I know she was very hurt because of his lifestyle and felt she had failed him somehow... I was 12 then.

It was as if the rest of us didn't matter.

She carried on, but around age 14 she and I had a fight and I believe that caused a lot of resentment on my part because the fight was over her talking about something she knew NOTHING about (accusing me of things)...That was the start of us growing apart.

When I was little - nanny, was my life and I LOVED her. She was wonderful. Always did special things for me and then bam - my uncle dies and it's over.

She did search for "things" to make her happy...such as expensive shoes, new furniture (several sets), clothes that she never even wore, building a room onto their house etc..... her favorite channel was QVC...

Her health declined more and more rapidly over the years and it was as if she was searching for the next surgery she could on her feet, knees, back, hips.... She was the bionic woman. She even had one of her toes cut off because her toes on her left foot were crowded, so she convinced the doctor to just cut one off....:( Any time you talked to her, it was about a health condition (blood pressure, kidneys, heart, cancer) you name it, she would find a problem with it...It was like you really didn't want to hear it anymore because she just would DWELL on it. She was on every medicine known to man (or at least it seemed) and she didn't take it right... It wasn't just me who felt this way about her. The whole family had dealt with her until exhaustion....

All of that brings me to June 20th 2012...She had called my aunt and said that granddaddy was sick. That was all - no explanation - just "he's sick". You'd ask her for an explanation and she'd say "he's sick" over and over...He went to the hospital... My aunt asked me to go over and care for her while he was gone. So I had an hour drive with my 7 year old to get to her, but when I was about 15 minutes away, my aunt calls me back and says - grandaddy has come home, you don't have to go over there.... I wanted to lose my mind... I just told her that I was going over there anyway, because I hadn't driven that far to turn back now and I wanted to see for myself what was wrong with my grandaddy (I am a registered nurse)

I get there and he tells me that he got impatient at the emergency room and threatened to burn down the hospital and kill people. Ok, my grandaddy is a usually reserved, quiet, polite...super sweet man, so I knew something was terribly wrong. He was also a religious man, and former alcoholic... for 36 years he was sober and then... my grandmother decided that her two soma (strong muscle relaxer) weren't enough, so she took his soma too... so she was taking four soma per day... My granddaddy was having a rough time with the lack of medicine, and decided to self medicate with Gin. So he was drunk (great)

My grandaddy decided to call an ambulance thursday and went back to the hospital. I went over Friday (June 22nd) and spent the day with my nanny - only to find out that they were both drinking a pint of Gin per day... :( and none of the family knew that they had this problem. 4 soma + pint of Gin = very unsteady nanny. She had back surgery in December 2011 and a stroke during that - then decided to to decline rehabilitation services, got home and fell - BROKE HER BACK - and had MORE back surgery. THEN SHE DECIDES SHE NEEDS TO HAVE KNEE SURGERY LESS THAN 4 MONTHS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now we're to June 23rd...grandaddy had new prescriptions from the hospital that needed to be filled and made a trip to town. When he got back, my grandmother had fell and hit her head causing a brain bleed (probably drunk). She had crawled from the utility room to the living room (approximately 15 - 20 meters). My granddaddy had tried CPR, and called an ambulance, but it was too late and she was gone.

I am so sad, and angry. Two emotions that don't sit well with each other. I'm sad, because I did love her and hated to lose her that way, but angry, because of the situation she put herself in! I just don't exactly know how to feel... I feel bad, for being angry. I wish I could have a story about how she thrived and was a wonderful person, but all I end up feeling is like she was self-centered, selfish, and stubborn... :( I don't know what to do, and I'm hurting.

Comments for nanny, 6/23/12

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Aug 03, 2012
To the comment above
by: Original poster

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and comment! Sometimes just putting it all out there, helps to let it go. I think sometimes I have a harder time dealing with it than other times and when I wrote my story, it was 2:00 am and I was definitely having a hard time. Today is better ;) I am a school nurse and I was off for two months and all of this happened in the second month. I am the kind of person that deals with stress by keeping my mind busy doing other things, so when she died I went into overdrive. I paid their bills for my grandaddy and got paperwork together about her death policy and I stayed at his house for a WEEK until I could get him into a detox and rehab facility. After I got him into the rehab, I continued to pay bills for him, check the mail and the house while he was gone. I also picked up my grandmothers ashes from the funeral home and filed death certificates with every place that needed them. I am proud to say that my granddaddy completed treatment and was released yesterday. I went over there and helped him make a grocery list, pay more bills and just visited with him:). It made me feel so good to have him home. Now I just worry about how he will do..... The school that I work at is back in session, so I will have that to keep me busy ;) I guess I am just a little angry because this didn't have to happen. She was being stubborn and just had to get up and go fix her a "drink" while my granddaddy was gone and didn't use her walker (she was supposed to...) he had even asked her to not get up while he was gone and she did anyway. I just want to ask her WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!?! But I know I can't. Again, thanks for commenting and helping me deal with things. I like for someone to be on the outside and look in and let me see things from a different perspective.

Aug 03, 2012
nanny, 6/23/12
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for the loss of your nanny and also the other losses of uncle etc. You say you are angry and sad and sad that you are angry. You are grieving. Sadness and Anger are part of grief but also a trigger for events leading up to the loss that were UNRESOLVED.
When we in life are not able to resolve issues with the ones we love. We are left angry and frustrated. We are all fractured in some way within our families and it takes a death for these issues to resurface and cause us tangled emotions and we feel we are going mad, and we can't sort it all out.
Firstly you have to leave your Nanny's personality out of the grief. She had difficulties and although you as a family had issues with her spending habits etc. This was her way of coping with her internal world. RETAIL THERAPY would have comforted her. QVC is also a method I have used to comfort myself.
You say she changed after your uncle died. He was gay and your nanny had difficulties dealing with this. O.K. Anyone who is religious would have trouble with the Gay Society because of what the Bible says. Weighing up all these issues. Your nanny was a woman of principle. She had strong values and opinions. She also upset you by commenting on something she didn't know. This hurt you. You couldn't resolve this so the hurt went deep and you split up. This is the issue you are unable to resolve for yourself. It came between you both. A grief counsellor may help you to sort this out so that you can move forward better and not let the anger about these unresolved issues affect your grief. You couldn't let your Nanny know you really loved her. You know what! Your nanny would have known you loved her. She was in DENIAL about her own feelings and her inner world that she went shopping instead to cheer herself up. You can't take responsibility for her. Only You. You will have to FORGIVE yourself for the break in the relationship, and your feelings in general that leave you angry and sad.

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