I lost my grandmother (nanny) on June 23rd 2012 - she was 68.
Let me rewind a little. My uncle died June 22nd of 1996. My nanny was a very religious woman, and my uncle was gay. He died with full blown AIDS/HIV. When he died, it seemed like a huge part of her died right along with him, and I know she was very hurt because of his lifestyle and felt she had failed him somehow... I was 12 then.
It was as if the rest of us didn't matter.
She carried on, but around age 14 she and I had a fight and I believe that caused a lot of resentment on my part because the fight was over her talking about something she knew NOTHING about (accusing me of things)...That was the start of us growing apart.
When I was little - nanny, was my life and I LOVED her. She was wonderful. Always did special things for me and then bam - my uncle dies and it's over.
She did search for "things" to make her happy...such as expensive shoes, new furniture (several sets), clothes that she never even wore, building a room onto their house etc..... her favorite channel was QVC...
Her health declined more and more rapidly over the years and it was as if she was searching for the next surgery she could have...surgery on her feet, knees, back, hips.... She was the bionic woman. She even had one of her toes cut off because her toes on her left foot were crowded, so she convinced the doctor to just cut one off....:( Any time you talked to her, it was about a health condition (blood pressure, kidneys, heart, cancer) you name it, she would find a problem with it...It was like you really didn't want to hear it anymore because she just would DWELL on it. She was on every medicine known to man (or at least it seemed) and she didn't take it right... It wasn't just me who felt this way about her. The whole family had dealt with her until exhaustion....
All of that brings me to June 20th 2012...She had called my aunt and said that granddaddy was sick. That was all - no explanation - just "he's sick". You'd ask her for an explanation and she'd say "he's sick" over and over...He went to the hospital... My aunt asked me to go over and care for her while he was gone. So I had an hour drive with my 7 year old to get to her, but when I was about 15 minutes away, my aunt calls me back and says - grandaddy has come home, you don't have to go over there.... I wanted to lose my mind... I just told her that I was going over there anyway, because I hadn't driven that far to turn back now and I wanted to see for myself what was wrong with my grandaddy (I am a registered nurse)
I get there and he tells me that he got impatient at the emergency room and threatened to burn down the hospital and kill people. Ok, my grandaddy is a usually reserved, quiet, polite...super sweet man, so I knew something was terribly wrong. He was also a religious man, and former alcoholic... for 36 years he was sober and then... my grandmother decided that her two soma (strong muscle relaxer) weren't enough, so she took his soma too... so she was taking four soma per day... My granddaddy was having a rough time with the lack of medicine, and decided to self medicate with Gin. So he was drunk (great)
My grandaddy decided to call an ambulance thursday and went back to the hospital. I went over Friday (June 22nd) and spent the day with my nanny - only to find out that they were both drinking a pint of Gin per day... :( and none of the family knew that they had this problem. 4 soma + pint of Gin = very unsteady nanny. She had back surgery in December 2011 and a stroke during that - then decided to to decline rehabilitation services, got home and fell - BROKE HER BACK - and had MORE back surgery. THEN SHE DECIDES SHE NEEDS TO HAVE KNEE SURGERY LESS THAN 4 MONTHS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now we're to June 23rd...grandaddy had new prescriptions from the hospital that needed to be filled and made a trip to town. When he got back, my grandmother had fell and hit her head causing a brain bleed (probably drunk). She had crawled from the utility room to the living room (approximately 15 - 20 meters). My granddaddy had tried CPR, and called an ambulance, but it was too late and she was gone.
I am so sad, and angry. Two emotions that don't sit well with each other. I'm sad, because I did love her and hated to lose her that way, but angry, because of the situation she put herself in! I just don't exactly know how to feel... I feel bad, for being angry. I wish I could have a story about how she thrived and was a wonderful person, but all I end up feeling is like she was self-centered, selfish, and stubborn... :( I don't know what to do, and I'm hurting.